Constellations and Redemption

As Orion sinks slowly below the horizon, a little farther each night, so spring rolls softly around the corner.

My 6th grade Math and Science teacher, Mr. Underwood, taught our class how to find Orion in the night sky. We were supposed to locate the constellation for homework and report back the next day. I remember slipping out the sliding glass door into my backyard, wrapped in a blanket from shoulders to knees, but with nothing on my feet, gazing up until my neck hurt.

Photo by Bahadorjn, Flickr

When the days grew longer, Mr. Underwood explained to a concerned student that Orion wasn't disappearing. The constellations that we could see in our hemisphere changed as the earth rotated, and Orion is only visible in the winter.

I continued to visit Orion after that first night, especially in the dead of winter, especially when I needed some grounding. It's crazy how seeing the vastness of the universe can ground you.

Today I reflected on what God has been doing in my life. I have all but completed a huge paper, due largely to the fact that God provided the crazy idea to check to see if the library in town had the book I needed for my paper Friday night. I prayed long and hard that I would be able to finish it in time - it's not due until Tuesday. I have been experiencing a bit of a digestive issue, but my roommate suggested a simple remedy that is really helping. In addition, tonight we had a time of worship at my college, and during one song I had a really personal heart-to-heart the Lord.

And he told me that he is doing something new.

Just as Orion can be seen in the northern hemisphere only in the winter, and then it fades from our view, so God is preparing to do something in me and in my life that has been hidden from my view. I'm excited for whatever it is and I'm eagerly anticipating the next stage in my life, but I'm a little afraid as well. I once told God I would follow him anywhere - from the shack in the middle of India to the country club in the Carolinas, and God has been known to do infinitely more than we could ask or express. He has a sense of humor like that.

Despite my fear, I just can't help but be excited. God told me, "That stuff you were dealing with a year, two years ago... It is over. I have redeemed you from that and I have set things in a different direction. I have the next step prepared for you."

And so I wait with eager anticipation. God, reveal to me more of who You are.

I realized just last week that I literally have nine months until I return to Asia. If my last trip was any indication, there's going to be a lot of heart-prep that needs to happen in the next few months, as well as a lot of working and saving and prayer to be able to go overseas. Just the other day, I had a kind of vivid daydream in which I felt like I was in Hong Kong again. I saw the familiar sights, felt and smelled the same sensations, everything.

It also hits me often: How can I expect to make an impact on people in Thailand if I cannot love the people beside me? That cuts deep, and I am often unable to understand why I find it difficult to love people. Often, I either try really hard and fail or I have no desire to try. This reveals itself in relationships with friends or acquaintances I know, but choose not to treat with patience, kindness, etc. God, make me more like You.
It also reveals itself in the frustration I occasionally feel with the pace of this whole dating business. I mean, I hate to harp on something no one likes to hear about, but, really, do I treat guys like real people? Do I treat them with patience, kindness, etc., or do I think about only what I could get from them (no matter how weird that sounds)? I want to be respectful and considerate towards every guy, not just the ones that I maybe could possibly date one day.
I want to love these people around me, both guys and girls. I only have about nine months left with them.

Yes, God has redeemed me from a significant amount of difficulties I faced earlier in college. But I am not perfect. I still have bad days. I rejoice in the fact that my paper is 99% finished, but I still have a thousand (not quite) rationales to write for my portfolio, which is due on the same day. I face struggles consistently, but I know God is good, even when it doesn't seem like it.

I know God is good because Orion fades away, and then returns. I know God is good because winter turns to spring. Every. Single. Year. He is doing something new, even if I feel stuck. He makes all things new.

Jesus, You're the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus, surely you will find us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new
Will make all things new

- "Dry Bones," Gungor

Already Forgiven

My college's prayer team has spent days and weeks participating in 24/7 prayer for a number of years, and next week is our big Spring 2013 week of nonstop prayer. 24/7 Prayer is an "international, interdenominational Christian movement praying and working for reconciliation" spiritually, socially, and environmentally.

A couple years ago, while I was spending an hour in our prayer room on campus with a group of people for a 24/7 prayer week, I got the strong sense that God was speaking to me. This was before the really powerful sense of God's voice I felt when my vision clouded over and my heart beat faster, like when I was called to Asia, even though I haven't had that same experience in a while. Anyway, I felt as if God was saying, "I've already forgiven you." At the time, I had not been to counseling or expressed my need for confession or accountability yet. I didn't understand. It was almost like I could not quite process what God was saying to me, like I wasn't ready for it.

I'm not sure if I felt like I was being "super-righteous" or what, but I opened my eyes and looked for someone to whom I could tell what God had told me. I figured that since I didn't quite understand what he meant in reference to my own life, he must have meant it for someone else. I stood up and walked across the room to a girl I barely knew, who I'll call T, and I told her, "God has already forgiven you." She smiled at me, I smiled back, and I returned to my seat.

The funny thing is, she no longer attends my college, but I recently became acquainted with her blog. She is working with the International House of Prayer in the area where I used to live, and I am reading such encouraging and spiritually-motivating thoughts on her blog. A tiny part of me is like: Who am I to think I'm all high and mighty for God Himself to give me a message for this girl who is obviously closer to Him than I am?

I chastised myself for that thought, because why would I think that? Maybe she really did need to hear what God had told me. On the other hand, for several weeks after that night, I have questioned why I so distinctly felt God telling me "I've already forgiven you" if there was no point to it. Eventually, I gave up my concern for the circumstance and let it pass. Now, years later, it struck me tonight that perhaps that word from God was for me.

I have been out of counseling for over three months now, and I do not have all my problems solved. However, I am at a much healthier place in my life. I have learned positive coping mechanisms and successful thought processes. I have seen God in an entirely new light. And now even when the emotional roller coaster of that changing process is pretty much over, and it's tempting to get down on myself again, God continues to reveal little things to me. Like this thought tonight that maybe that word was for me: to prepare me for dealing with my crap and to prepare me for the time of learning after dealing with it.

His Words to me are:

I have already forgiven you. And I will keep forgiving you.

This is about more than the "sin that so easily entangles" that we all deal with everyday. This is about the deep tragedies of life from when we were younger, the sins we committed and the sins committed against us. This is about the sense of failing that grinds into our shoulders and backs and hearts and keeps us from standing up straight or letting our real faces show to the world.

Our God is not a God of anger. He is a God who speaks.

I have been praying for God to speak to me again, and I have been asking for more of Him since very early this month. I'm sad to say I have not been asking him consistently for these big things, but mostly I have been asking him for little things, like to "please let this computer open my document now so I won't be late to class." I know, those are ridiculous things. People write sermons on how we shouldn't treat God like a vending machine when they hear prayers like that.

Fortunately, those "little" prayers are teaching me something, too. A relationship with God is built not only on big things, but also on little things. Similarly, my relationship with my roommate L is built on "big" things, like finding time to Skype over Christmas or summer break or buying each other nice things for our birthdays. But it is also built on little things, like when I save her the chocolate piece at the end of a nutty ice cream cone. She loves the little chocolate piece. It's something small and meaningful, as crazy as that sounds.

A relationship with God should not be lived on Sunday mornings and during revival weeks. It should be lived in the day to day, and my seemingly petty prayers only serve to remind me to keep a conversation with God at the forefront. They remind me to ask God what he would have me do instead of constantly asking him to do things for me. He is so good and so patient and so graceful with an already-but-not-yet-resurrected-fallen-woman like me.

Oh, and by the way, the document opened before I had even finished my prayer. Even in the little things, God reminds me that he will always pursue me. He will always speak to me. He will always forgive me.

We are already forgiven.

"What is Man?" [My Thoughts on Lent]

Stuck between hours of reading, journal responses, and craft nights for Valentine's Day sits something I usually scarcely notice. My desk and the kitchen table are scattered with glittery heart stickers and pink and red hole scraps of paper. There are books everywhere.

My nights are late. When they're not, my mornings are early. And sometimes both.

This is the point of the semester when you prove yourself. It's not yet mid-terms. It's not yet pay-day. The homework level has increased to the typical norm and you must balance your time wisely so you can complete the bigger tasks that lay ahead.

I am not-so-patiently awaiting details on overseas student teaching, acceptance at a summer job, and confirmation for my future. I struggle with feeling alone, again, on Valentine's Day. I struggle with feeling tired too early in the semester. I struggle with keeping a budget when I'm on the five-meal plan. I struggle with freedom.

Today was Ash Wednesday, which marked the beginning of the Lenten season. My college has, in the past couple semesters, introduced a variety of worship styles. Our chapel service this morning was an Ash Wednesday service based on Anglican liturgy. It included Scripture reading, responsive reading, chanting, kneeling, standing, prayers aloud and silently, and the traditional ashen cross. We were given the option of coming forward during the Imposition of Ashes to receive the cross on our foreheads.

While the speaker, a professor here, spoke candidly about how we must not skip ahead to the resurrection too soon, I found myself longing for it desperately throughout the service. It is true that being raised in communities that only barely resemble liturgical churches may have colored my perception of liturgy. However, it seems to me that we can get too easily caught up in guilt and shame and sin that we neglect to act as if and believe that we are forgiven. Having lived in a mindset of legalism, guilt (real and false), and worthlessness for years, I am tired of feeling guilty for my sins any longer. Maybe that is not the appropriate response, but it is exactly how I feel. I don't want to be beaten over the head with rules that make me feel like crap. Don't God and I have a relationship?

Someone once told me that legalism is the natural course of the heart. When we realize we aren't doing it perfectly, we strive to make rules for ourselves so that we will, by our estimation. What we don't understand is that God doesn't want rules and God doesn't want sacrifices. He wants us to do what he says out of love, not out of a fear that we don't, we will be struck down from heaven.

Yet perhaps there is a time and a place for the "Ash Wednesday" phenomenon. I mean, the church calendar has been around for ages and no one really seems to have a huge problem with today's purple and black and ash crosses. Yes, my sinfulness brings me to my knees on many occasions. I guess the problem I have is with "requiring" repentance just because this is the beginning of a season.

I would just like to change the connotation of the Lenten season. Rather than a time of repentance and sad reflection, let this be a time of eager anticipation. Do not fast because it somehow reminds you of the suffering of Christ (how can it even compare?). Fast because it allows you that time to devote to knowing Christ more. And never, by any means, fast because everyone else is doing it. Fast (from anything) because God is telling you to do it.

In the scheme of things, finite man is nothing compared to infinite God. Nothing. But the fact remains that he is deeply in love with us. Why? Because he is delighted in the creation that he chose to create.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

- Psalm 8:3-5

Grace Means Freedom and Second Chances

Freedom is what happens when you choose to forgive, and forgiveness is a process. A long process. And it's pretty stinkin' hard.

I was talking with a good friend tonight who has been feeling disrespected and unappreciated, and she was angry towards the person she felt had wronged her. She told me that she knew she wanted to love and forgive this person, but she didn't know how to love someone with whom she didn't have a relationship.

How do you love someone you don't know? How do you forgive someone with whom you don't already have the basis of relationship?

I smiled and cried at the same time, because I realized it could be done.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

- Romans 5:8

God loved us before he had a relationship with us. How do we know? Because he forgave us. He gave us his Son so that we could be reconciled to him. If God was not all-knowing, his gift of his Son would be a bit like an act of faith. It would be God extending his offer of forgiveness and waiting to see if we would accept it.

Of course, God is omniscient, so I don't think that was an issue for him, but it is worth acknowledging because it applies to us. If you have a healthy relationship with someone, you can say without fear, "Hey, it bothers me when you don't take out the trash, could you please take it out next time?" Or, "I'm sorry about what I said about you." But if you do not have a relationship, or even a healthy relationship, with the person who has wronged you, forgiveness is so much more harder. You have to put yourself out there in an act of faith, hoping that they will give you what you are asking for.

---

I was blessed to have a very encouraging time of closure in a broken friendship earlier this week. When the friendship dissolved, we were both forced to seek God individually, alone and in appropriate communities, and the conversation this week was about what God has done in our lives since that time. And God has done some beautiful things.

I remember praying desperately and clinging to hope when things started crashing around me during the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012. Remembering that God is good enabled me to keep clinging to Him through that time. Songs like "Times" and "Beautiful Things" rang in my ears. I didn't have immediate proof that all things worked out for our good and His glory, so I held on to the hope that they would eventually.

A year and a half later, God showed me the beautiful things he did through that time. He brought two people out of the crap they were stuck in and washed off the dust that settled on them after the collapse of a friendship and a ministry. He brought us out of places of darkness, sin, and pain through a catastrophic event.

God made us new and has given us second chances.

I was able to forgive this person only, ironically, after I realized God's forgiveness for me. I could extend grace only after I received God's grace towards me. In that point of forgiveness, I realized that grace is freedom.

Now, set free through God's gift of grace from things which kept me in chains of brokenness, I am alive. I am given a second chance. God made me a new creation when he rescued me from the eternal consequences of my sin, but he also continues to make me a new creation each day when his mercies are new.

Jesus is pleading for us even today because we still sin even today.

- Bryan Chapell
His attitude towards us is full of grace, not shame, not anger, not bitterness. The Son is pleading for us before the Father to bring about his righteousness over us. Because he loves us.

Finally, I see that grace has brought about a purpose to my mistakes instead of shame. For one, my mistakes led to the development of a healthier and stronger relationship with Christ. I can rest in that.

Edited 3/25/13 at 9:57pm for labels.

The Rescue

I knew there was a problem when it was 1 am and I was still on my computer, following some drama play out on Facebook. The thing about relationships is that they are messy, and if I didn't know better, I'd stay as far away from all relationships as possible. Thankfully, the blessings of good relationships supersede the troubles of even the worst, and we can rejoice in those.

I sit here reminded of friends of mine who are fearful and broken tonight. Near the end of the semester, a good friend and next-door neighbor dealt with problems in her family. Her uncle had contracted a severe illness and is still in the hospital, though regaining his abilities to speak and move. Then between Thanksgiving and Christmas break, her grandmother (her dad and uncle's mom) passed away. She was struggling with the hurt. I got a text from another friend yesterday that her great-grandmother, who has been in hospice, took a turn for the worse. Then today I got a Facebook message from a third friend whose grandfather is at risk for his second heart attack in a week and it doesn't look good.

While praying for and thinking about these friends who are hurting tonight over the fear of the unknown, a song came on my iTunes shuffle that seemed to fill the room. I've written earlier about music: how songs bring back memories and how sometimes those memories get altered or replaced. This case is similar. "The Rescue" is about a guy who is offering comfort and rescue to a girl who has been hurt, but it carries a symbolic meaning of God rescuing his beloved, even ending with the lyrics to "Amazing Grace."

It took a minute to break through, but I realized that God was changing my perception of this song. For so long, it has only served to remind me of a relationship that went south. Yet when I realize that God can redeem not only my heart, but also this song, I see his rescue available for my friends. He can take these notes and these lyrics and give them a new meaning. It is not really replacing what they used to remind me of, but rather, providing a new layer of meaning.

It is in that sense of rescue, beautiful rescue, when I realize this is a community thing. "Community" is that sense of partnership and in-it-together-ness that encircles us when we feel loved and supported and held by fellow believers around us. Community is what Hebrews 12:1 is referencing (and what Hebrews 11 is proving). Community is the body of Christ coming alongside each other, to do what Romans 12:15 is commanding.  Community is the reason and the opportunity for accountability. Community is what happens (for me, at least), during impromptu hand-holding prayer and within acoustic worship sessions and when friends stop to ask how you're doing and really listen.

And I've always thought of rescue as a singular deal. One person getting rescued by God. Alone. I guess that stems from my similar belief that salvation should also be an alone deal. It's the reason I hate altar calls. Why would I want to go up to the front, not only where can people see me, but also where some person I don't know is waiting to lay hands on me and ask God for something generic for me?

Maybe there is a sense of community in rescue. After a year of counseling, I firmly believe that Christian counseling should be an extension of the body of Christ, i.e. community. It's two Christians coming together to discuss and navigate pain. If counseling is not a form of rescue, I don't know what is!

Not only is counseling a form of rescue, but I also believe intercession prayer is as well. I've never been good at intercession. I mean, I know it doesn't really count as a talent or a hobby, but I have never really learned how to do it right or even disciplined myself enough to get a good amount of practice in it. I typically say the generic things ("I ask that You be with my friends") and not much more. However, today, I sent a prayer over text to my friend whose grandfather is in the hospital. That was unique in itself. But something else was different for me: I prayed a character quality of God and a Bible verse. Suddenly, the focus of that conversation with God was not on me or on my friend or even on his troubles, but it was on God. And that felt so freeing. In that moment, it didn't matter how the prayer affected my friend or his family, it mattered that God was praised and uplifted and acknowledged as omnipotent and omniscient King. Then once God was praised and I rejoiced in that, I got a reply from my friend and was able to rejoice in that as well. Rescue became a joint act. I got to play a small part in God's work in my friend's life.

Christian college kids everywhere can identify, but it is typically over breaks when I feel the least supported. Everyone is at home, doing their own things, and I live more than 45 minutes from any friends. Community is hard to come by and Satan is easy to listen to.

But the wonderful God we serve caught my attention earlier this break with significant themes in the devotional I've been using. Two days in a row, I saw themes of blindness and deafness, with Jesus providing healing and asking the people to watch him and listen to him. I thought about it for a while and could not figure out why it stuck out to me. The thing is, God provides community even when we're all home on breaks. Friends who call, text, and e-mail, (and who respond to mine) are such encouragements during this time. In addition, being able to be with my family (who have finally started attending a good church regularly!) provides community as well. He is speaking; are we listening? Have we opened our eyes to God and shut them to Satan?

God is in the redeeming and rescuing business, and many times He uses his children to minister to others of his children. Keep your eyes and ears open. After going through a difficult time, he may just use you to provide comfort and offer rescue to your brother or sister.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

What I'm Listening To:

"The Rescue" - Tyler Ward

"Hallelujah" - Tenth Avenue North

"I Will Wait" - Mumford and Sons

"Like An Avalanche" - Hillsong

Treasure

Maybe it's just my maternal instinct sneaking out, but I'm starting to catch a glimpse of what Luke meant when he wrote that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2:19).

I'm acting in my church's Christmas play tonight alongside two little girls, a 7-year-old and an 11-year-old. An entire slew of children and adults are acting in other scenes, as characters such as Herod, wisemen, shepherds, and angels. We have been practicing for the play twice a week since just before Thanksgiving and we have our final dress rehearsal this afternoon at 4pm.

You may think that a church Christmas play is a stressful, daunting, and frustrating task. It is. But it doesn't have to be. I have been so amazed and surprised by how the entire process can be so much more rewarding. For one, I have started to treat the girls I'm acting with as if we were equals. When I tell them they need to slow down or exit now or make sure they don't forget a word in a certain line, I also ask them if I can do anything for them. I've gotten responses like: "Can you make sure you say 'Egypt' at the end of that line, so I know my cue?" and "Can I not say this part of my line?" and my personal favorite: "Can I roll my eyes when she says that?" They are actually making their own choices and I believe they feel like I care about their choices.

Yet one thing really captured my heart. In the play, the two girls have not seen their dad in several months and their mom has recently passed away. I'm the social worker at the children's home where they are staying. At the end of the play, I've presented the gospel and the girls and I are praying. The Narrator and music fade in. When we were rehearsing, one of the girls asked me, "Do you think their dad comes back? Why is that not in the play?" I had the opportunity to discuss how finding and accepting Jesus does not make your life perfect; it simply makes you able to handle the problems of life because you can depend on God through them. The girls agreed with me and shared examples.

When we took a break from the hustle and bustle of the play and instead spent some time reflecting, we were able to relate to each other, to place a building block on our relationships, and to fix our eyes on Jesus. That moment is something I treasure. I would not trade it for anything.

---

Similarly, I'm learning some interesting things through conflict resolution with my roommate. It is not fun. At all. But it is good.

My roommate is a people-oriented, relationship-motivated extrovert. It makes me want to shoot my foot. I am an introvert who loves people, but I can only handle people in small doses. In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes: "I am that cordless screwdriver that has to charge for twenty hours to earn ten minutes use." I completely understand. I'm also task-oriented. My roommate and I figured this out: It hurts me when she doesn't wash her dishes. It hurts her when I tell her I don't want to talk about what's bothering me. Well, duh, I want to say, Wash your dishes to show me you value me. (I'm task-oriented: wash your dishes.) But then she's saying, Well, duh, talk to me to show me you value me. (She's people-oriented: the dishes can wait.) It's fairly amusing to actually talk about it and deal with it.

The beautiful moment that I will treasure is when we faced this phenomenon together. We talked about our issues no matter how much they hurt. I will treasure the moment when I realized that being a "3am friend" is probably not cut out for me, and I cried about it, and she was there with a hug. I will treasure the moment when she acted as a mediator to help our mutual friend and I experience conflict resolution together. For the first time, I'm seeing problems and disagreements actually worked out in a healthy way. And I treasure that.

---

I treasure coffee nights and dinners with my small group girls. About half the group went to coffee with my co-leader and me last night and the other half (with some overlap) are having dinner with us Monday night. I'm seeing that ministry doesn't have to fit in the confines of one hour a week in which we talk about the Bible for the entire hour. In almost all cases, "ministry" should first and foremost be relationships. I treasure the fact that last night, we didn't talk about Jesus. As crazy as that sounds, that's why I treasure it. Because suddenly, I was able to look at these girls as the beautiful individuals they are without trying to weasel some sort of spiritual thoughts out of them. I felt honest as we sipped peppermint mochas and chai lattes. I felt like we were becoming friends while we laughed about Candy Land and chocolate cake. It didn't feel like group, it felt like friendship. And I treasure that.

---

I treasure the relationships I have with my guy friends. Who would have thought that guys would make great friends? Definitely not me. While there are still challenges, as with any friendship, I am truly honored to be doing life alongside both girls and guys. I'm starting to see these people as women and men - adults of whom I'm really proud. What a blessing to walk alongside these guys as their sister!

---

I wanted to share these things with you as a reminder that although we have bad days (weeks, months, seasons...), we are still surrounded by an amazing God who provides for us each day. He blesses us with not  only the things we need for life, but also things that provide the joy in life.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

- C.S Lewis

His Love is Even Here

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. The last few weeks of the semester tend to do that to me.

Sickness messed with my sleep and work schedules, which messed with my concentration and homework time, which messed with my free time and has me confused as to which day of the week it is today. Friends needing a shoulder to cry on; other friends not wanting to talk at all; other friends flip-flopping between wanting to be friends and ignoring the threads of friendship between us.

This has all left me tired and definitely in the midst of a real-life Twilight Zone. What can break me out of this mind-trick?

• Twelve hours of sleep made me feel better physically, but not really mentally. 
• A random act of kindness filled the gap like drugs: a high I could ride that left me in a crash.
• Waiting for a summer job interview, a placement for student teaching, a reply on my resubmitted nonfiction piece... I'm always waiting.
• Running lines with two precious girls for our church Christmas play lifted my spirits but reminded me of the work to be done for the play.
• Letting go of a crush the same day I see friends comforted by their boyfriends is disheartening. Very disheartening.
• Canceling our Thursday small group provided rest for my co-leader and me, but now it doesn't feel like Thursday anymore, and I can't shake the feeling I'm failing at ministry again.
• Breakfast at 10:30am. Enough said.
• My roommate and housemate pulled an all-nighter last night and woke me up just before 7 this morning. Lovely.

Speaking of which, I wrote my roommate a raw and painfully honest letter this morning about various things in our friendship. I was so busy writing it that I was almost late to my class this morning. When I looked down at the pages I had written, my heart was broken at how angry I sounded. The passive-aggressive letter is long and full of questions and exclamations I would have to flinch to even say aloud to her. Who do I think I am, expressing those hurtful comments to someone who matters so much to me? But, what if those comments need to be spoken because of how much she matters to me?

At this point I don't know.

Religion seems meaningless right now.

Ecclesiastes ends with the Teacher telling us to fear God and obey Him, for we will be judged. He goes through twelve chapters shooting down everything in the entire universe as meaningless, and then he comes back to God. Obey Him. Those are his final words.

And even at this point, obedience seems meaningless. Unless I disconnect it from religion.

Obedience because of religion is heartless and pointless. Muslims bow in prayer five times a day. Jewish people light eight candles (with a ninth candle in the middle) for Hanukkah each year. Why? These seem to be empty traditions based on obedience to religions that seem empty themselves.

If we think of Christianity in those terms of empty religion, it is meaningless. However, if we think of obedience as an out-flowing of the love we have for our Savior and friend, it becomes a relationship.

Did you know that his love is even here? Even here in the Twilight Zone with a headache, waiting for so many things, trying to get well, sipping tea that's gone cold, wondering how I feel so alone when I'm so surrounded... His love is here. Even here.

• When I can only get out his name in a broken voice before the guilt of my sin overcomes me, He's here.
• When I can't concentrate on a single homework assignment, not to mention a chapter of my favorite book in His Word, He's here.
• When I feel like I'm failing as a small group co-leader, like my past has come back to haunt me, He's here.
• When I wrongly think that hearing his words and feeling his hug would make things right, He's here.
• When I hurt with desperation over the confusion in my friendships, He's here.
• When I have trouble even lasting a shift at work, He's here.
• When no food satisfies and most of it leaves me feeling nauseous, He's here.
• When my singleness adds to my already disillusioned outlook, He's here.
• And even when I don't want Him, He's here. Like a patient gentleman, He's waiting on me to ask Him to come in and be at home with me with nothing but jasmine tea between us.

His love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between. 

Oh, How He Loves.
Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. For the Bible tells me so.

He is the God who is here.

What I'm Listening To:

"Times" - Tenth Avenue North

"Sometimes" - David Crowder Band

Singleness of Heart

I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently. About how messy they are, how our relationship with God affects other relationships and how other relationships affect our relationship with God, how people shape our lives, for better or for worse. I love seeing the parallels between my relationship with God and the relationship involved in marriage. It's absolutely beautiful.

Along the same lines, remember back two months ago when I first shared about a calling God had given me? (If not, you can read about it here.) Recently, God shook that up a little bit. He whispered to me that maybe it wasn't so much about singleness of relationship status as it was about singleness of heart.

When the people return to their homeland, they will remove every trace of their vile images and detestable idols. And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, so they will obey my decrees and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.

(Ezekiel 11:18-20)

This passage from Ezekiel is describing the Jewish people returning to Jerusalem after the exile. God tells Ezekiel that the people will give up their idolatry. God says that he will bring his people back to focusing on him spiritually and legally. Therefore, singleness of heart means to get rid of anything that even so much as threatens God's place in your life. Anything that breaks that first commandment is out. 

Interestingly, the passage also talks about having a tender and responsive heart. Ladies who are struggling with their emotions tend to think that if only they could just be strong and not weak, they wouldn't succumb to their emotions. Legalistic people often think they are never firm enough and that's why they can't keep their obligations. The fact is that being gentle, tender, open, whatever word you want to use, is good. It's good to be willing to let God use you, to be available to his calling, to let yourself melt when he pursues you. It's good to allow yourself to be responsive to God. 

Friends, are we walking with the Lord so closely that we are devoted to him like a bride is devoted to her soon-to-husband? Are we so patiently listening for his will and so captivated by his words that we will let ourselves be pursued?

God loves you. A ton. He died for you! And the point I'm making is that because he is so awesome and so great, we are called to praise him. One beautiful way to praise him is to allow only Him in our hearts at one time.

It's called singleness of heart. It means that while I don't know what God is doing in my love life and I probably won't want to know, I'm still seeking with everything, and maybe a little more than everything. Do I do it perfect? Nope. Anything but. But I know that God is faithful and that he loves us. No matter what.

Friends, Foes, and Confidants

When I first came to college, I legitimately asked God to make me an extrovert. Most of the girls I met were out being crazy (e.g. Taco Bell runs and hikes to Little Falls) at random hours every evening during Orientation week. I was organizing my room. For the third time. And because introverts are, by definition, usually by themselves, it was just a little bit difficult to make friends.

But I did, praise the Lord, partly because I prayed earnestly for friendships all throughout my senior year of high school, especially second semester. To realize halfway through my freshman year of college that I had developed some amazing friendships literally rocked my world. One day, I posted this line on my tumblr blog: “I’m so in love with these people.”

All fine and dandy, right? Wrong.

Now, please do not misunderstand me. Friends are a blessing, especially for introverts. It is imperative that we understand that God made us for relationships. Ultimately, he made us for a relationship with him (to glorify and enjoy him - Westminster catechism, anyone?) Also, because it was not good for us to be alone, and because one way we can learn about our relationship with God is by having relationships with others, God gave us each other.

The problem comes when we put what God has given us over God Himself. Suddenly, everything is out of order, and that makes for a lopsided life.

I recently began to reevaluate my friendships, because I felt like I was putting friends above God. I also felt like very few of my friends were “doing” friendship the same way I was, and that made me feel even more alone. However, to my friends, it looked like I was literally pushing them away.

How can an introvert evaluate her friendships without looking like she is pushing her friends away?

I don’t know. But I do know that God made us to love each other, even though it’s so messy.

What I’m learning is that philos (friendship love) is going to be messy and yucky sometimes. But we do it anyway, because God said so. And because the rewards of loving one another is beautiful.

The disciple John wrote about love in two of his books. In John 13:35, he says, “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” This is pretty legit. We are called to love each other. I believe that love is the first step towards anything spiritual happening. For example, we must love the unreached and meet their physical needs before we can share Jesus with them. We must love before fear will leave (1 John 4:18). If we hate our Christian brothers and sisters, there’s no way we can love God (1 John 4:20-21).

This is a tough pill to swallow for an introvert, but I would like to let you in on a little secret: Love does not mean you have 47 intimate friends. Love does not mean you can’t also have time alone. Love does not mean you are constantly surrounded by people. Love means you truly care about others (Philippians 2:4). It means you give up yourself for them (John 15:13). It means you notice your friends' love languages and you look for ways to meet them. It means even if you don’t have a coffee date every night of every week, you still make time for people.

And sometimes, it’s okay to be a little extroverted. I’ve started to place an addendum on my introversion status. I say: “Yeah, I’m an introvert... who loves people.”

Lesson from this week: Don’t place anything above God (Exodus 20:3), but don’t stop loving (Luke 10:27).
I wrote earlier about a sacrifice God had called me to make. Recently, I was speaking with someone about it, and they asked me some questions that began to plant doubt in my confidence. I was a little upset, because I was sure that God had called me.

In less than a 30 hour period this week, God gave me two verses about sacrifices. The basic gist from each verse is that God wants my heart more than he wants my sacrifice. I learned that is the reason for my sacrifice: that I would become closer to God. That I would love him and that I would love others. Sometimes God calls us to give up something that is standing in the way of our obedience to the greatest commandments, and that’s why I’m sacrificing.

“To love [God] with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” - Mark 12:33

Sacrifices

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

(1 Peter 2:9)

I have never officially participated in Lent, the 40 days of fasting before Easter, but I have made spiritual decisions for my life that correspond with lent for the past two years. So far this year, God has been doing some amazingly awesome stuff, which has contributed to what I’m doing for a personal rendition of Lent.

For one, this past Thursday, God gave reconciliation to a friendship of mine. It was pretty much unexpected and surprising. I was convinced people could not change, but I was reminded that when God gets a hold of someone who is open, awesome things happen. That reconciliation was an answer to prayer and I know God is going to do great things with this friend’s life.

Friday, the next day, I went hiking and “swimming” with some awesome friends. After dinner, I went back to my room, but it was Friday, so I didn’t want to do any homework or hang out alone. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anyone to hang out with, but I began to sense that I needed and wanted to spend time with God. So, I grabbed my Bible, journal, and iPod and headed to the campus prayer room, where I turned up the worship music so loud the walls were shaking. That whole worship experience was amazing. It was almost two and a half hours of singing, Scripture reading, artsy-crafty worship, and dancing (yes, dancing can be worship, too!). It was good communion with God.

And then, out of the blue, some thoughts popped up. Not immoral thoughts, just a realization. I realized that guys who love Jesus are attractive. Not sure why it took me so long to get it... just kidding! Anyway, I was so taken aback by the suddenness of these thoughts I honestly did not know what to do with them; I immediately turned them over to God. Obviously, it’s not wrong for women to be attracted to Godly men, but this was worship time. I have come to understand that my focus should be always be on God over and above what God has created, even if it’s good.

This simple and somewhat naïve action this past Friday started an entire personal lent movement. When I went to God with the realization, he asked me make a sacrifice. He asked me to sacrifice my desire to date and get married. Almost immediately, Genesis chapter 22 (where Abraham attempts to sacrifice Isaac) came to mind and I knew that’s what God wanted me to do.

Even though I’m making this sacrifice, I believe I will still get married. Abraham knew and believed his descendents would come from Isaac, but he was still able and ready to obey God and sacrifice Isaac (see Hebrews 11:17-19). The point and meaning of this sacrifice is that I will make a conscious and intentional effort to focus on God and my relationship with Him instead of the worries, doubts, and fears that come with potentially entering the realm of dating. 

Believe me when I say that guys who obviously love Jesus are incredibly attractive to me. What a blessing from the Lord to feel that way! We are human beings after all. Yet I know God is calling me to singleness for this time. I know, because he has asked me to hold my relationship with him so close that a dating relationship cannot be in the picture yet.

Towards the end of my first semester of freshman year, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before he brought a guy into my life. I asked for those things, and slowly, God revealed them. Most of them were ministry opportunities or personal development opportunities that could be best taken as a single person. When I returned to school this January, I looked back over what I was doing and I realized none of those things were in my life anymore. Suddenly, I questioned God’s providence. Was he calling me to remain single or to date? Now, with this new revelation of sacrifice, I am convinced again of God’s purposes and providence. He has a plan for my life and he is doing great things. Awesome things.

The prayer team on my college’s campus has organized a 24/7 Bible Reading, in which students and staff of the college sign up to read from the Bible for 24 hours a day as many days as it takes to read the entire Bible, which is actually going to be less than seven days. We’ve done the same thing with prayer before. Last night, I went to listen to whomever was reading, but I ended up filling in for an hour for someone who missed their shift. I was reading Psalms and I kept breaking out in song every few chapters. It was raining, so I kept singing “And I believe You will come like the rain” from Jesus Culture, as well as any songs I thought of when I read the Psalms. It was pretty amazing. I left that hour, after reading, praying, and singing the Word, very fulfilled. I prayed for rain and for God to come like Hosea 6:3 says.

The funny thing is, we sang “You’ll Come” by Hillsong in chapel today. The chorus is about both rain and God coming to us, and I knew it was no coincidence that it lined up perfectly with what I prayed for last night. And it did rain today, it was just misty instead of drenching. I began to see that God’s pursuit of me is definitely not a coincidence, but that it is real and consistent, but more than that, it is gentle, like misty rain. I am reminded that God’s love is strong. How can something so often thought of as weak and mushy be strong? I think it’s in the same way that God’s pursuit of his bride is both furious and gentle at the same time.

My point is that in “giving up” the dating desire (and taking practical steps to reduce the temptation I encounter to worry about or lust over a potential relationship), I am making the effort to grow closer to God and to listen to him as he is pursuing me. So, yeah, in some way, this is what I’m giving up for Lent. And this semester. And this summer. And probably this entire year. And who knows how long. Because my relationship with the God of the universe matters so much than getting married and having kids. Don’t get me wrong, I desperately desire to get married and have kids one day, but that cannot be my focus. I can’t go to college to get my MRS degree, because that’s ridiculous. I must ask myself: who am I focusing on?

Maybe, if you’ve read this far, you’re wondering why I put 1 Peter 2:9 as the opening for this post. Honestly, I do not know. All I know is that within a couple hours on Monday night, I heard this verse twice from two different people in two completely different contexts. I am asking God to show me what he wants me to gather from this verse.  I know for sure that God is doing great things and, as his child, I am privileged to be a part of them. To be loved by the God of the universe so much that he calls you his holy priesthood is pretty amazing stuff. He loves you.

Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City" or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God,” for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

(Isaiah 62:4)

Switchfoot on the Drive Home and “Boys”

Yesterday, I drove home a different way for the first time. I had my windows down and the radio way too loud, letting Switchfoot and this surprisingly warm February speak to my soul. It was such a blessing.

Recently, my heart’s been breaking over relationships. For one, Student Government elections tend to bring out the worst in people. I left the Open Forum early, but I heard it got a little heated towards the end. And I heard some slightly accusatory questions before I left. Why? Are we Christians when we’re going to church and feeding the homeless, but not when we’re choosing the next SGA president? I’m aware that SGA is not a “religious” organization, but we are all Christians and I think a little more should have been said for the character of the candidates. Like, who is connected to a church and serving whole-heartedly? My favorite teacher in high school once said that the best way to find out if a boy is a man is to ask him how many trenches he’s dug. Hard work usually makes for excellent character.

Speaking of which, this whole issue with “boys” and “men” intrigues me. A couple weekends ago, a good friend and I went to visit our mutual friends at a nearby college. At one point in the evening, one of our friends was talking about her developmental psychology class last semester in which the professor would not let any student refer to people of their own age group as “girls” or “boys.” The professor required students to say “women” and “men.” (This was because college students are physically, mentally, and legally adults.)

Interestingly, I’ve seen that when we’re upset with each other, we refer to each other as if we were children. Last week, in less than a two hour time frame, two friends came to me to talk about “boys” who they termed as “stupid.” I listened to their stories. And yes, the males in the circumstances made some stupid decisions. But in all honesty, it pained me to hear my female friends describe our brothers in this way. All of the guys mentioned in these conversations profess to be Christians. Yes, they may do some not-so-smart stuff, but they are not “stupid boys.” They are 19 to 20-something-year-old men who serve the same God we do.

Have you ever seen this picture on a book or T-shirt? I laughed the very first time I saw it. I mean, all girls (there I go again…) understand it because all of us have been hurt by a guy at one time or another. Or multiple times.  But today it just makes me angry.


One of my guy friends is particularly fond of the word “destroy” and he often uses it to describe the way he feels after a good philosophical argument destroys what he thought he knew. Recently, however, he also used it to explain the way a good friend of his was destroyed by his ex-girlfriend. It caught me off-guard when my friend wrote, “…you're not a guy if a girl hasn't destroyed you at some point.” I would agree that (vice versa) is true for girls as well. But anyway, my point is that girls (women) do stupid things, too. We often don’t realize it, because girls and guys do stupid things in different ways.

That’s why that picture makes me angry. Why, when we all do stupid things or do good things stupidly, do we call each other stupid? Hey, does the Golden Rule to treat others the way we want to be treated or the Christian mandate to love your neighbor go out the window when a guy hurts you?

I’m not minimizing the pain, believe me. After my dad left when I was eight, I’ve been sensitive to the pain that male-female relationships cause. And most recently, the loss of a good guy friend and the ministry we shared. It’s been months now, and I can honestly say that I’ve forgiven him. I’m moving on. I’m healing. Good friends have been pouring into me, helping me release the pain and to stop holding on to what happened. I like to use it as a shield, to keep me from getting close to guys again, and friends have been showing me how to love with boundaries, not shields, and to learn to trust again.

In no way am I saying your pain from a male-female relationship isn’t real. But the thing we must remember is that we are all broken people. What happened is not okay, but you are okay. You will be okay. God is in the process of restoring broken people. And that guy? He will be okay. Healing and moving on will come. And it will come when you two are working through it separately. Switchfoot sings an awesome and deep song about some healing and moving on.

I’m asking that we learn to love each other despite and through our shortcomings. Yes, sin hurts. Like crap. But what about forgiveness? What about love?

Let me close this post…

• Guys (men), your sisters have been hurt. A lot of us are deeply terrified of dating. Yes, it would be nice, but we are striving to pursue what God wants for us, and to work on our personal healing and goals before we begin a relationship. I speak for many of us: please just be our brothers. There will be time for pursuing girls romantically.
• Girls (women), your brothers have been hurt. A lot of them are afraid and apprehensive of dating. Yes, they would probably love to be dating, but they want to pursue God’s healing and God’s purposes for their lives before a dating relationship. I can’t speak for them, but I do know that they admire us as their sisters and we should continue to be there for them the way sisters should. Dating will come in time.

Overall, keep loving. No matter what, we are still brothers and sisters.

“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” (John 13:35)