His Love is Even Here

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. The last few weeks of the semester tend to do that to me.

Sickness messed with my sleep and work schedules, which messed with my concentration and homework time, which messed with my free time and has me confused as to which day of the week it is today. Friends needing a shoulder to cry on; other friends not wanting to talk at all; other friends flip-flopping between wanting to be friends and ignoring the threads of friendship between us.

This has all left me tired and definitely in the midst of a real-life Twilight Zone. What can break me out of this mind-trick?

• Twelve hours of sleep made me feel better physically, but not really mentally. 
• A random act of kindness filled the gap like drugs: a high I could ride that left me in a crash.
• Waiting for a summer job interview, a placement for student teaching, a reply on my resubmitted nonfiction piece... I'm always waiting.
• Running lines with two precious girls for our church Christmas play lifted my spirits but reminded me of the work to be done for the play.
• Letting go of a crush the same day I see friends comforted by their boyfriends is disheartening. Very disheartening.
• Canceling our Thursday small group provided rest for my co-leader and me, but now it doesn't feel like Thursday anymore, and I can't shake the feeling I'm failing at ministry again.
• Breakfast at 10:30am. Enough said.
• My roommate and housemate pulled an all-nighter last night and woke me up just before 7 this morning. Lovely.

Speaking of which, I wrote my roommate a raw and painfully honest letter this morning about various things in our friendship. I was so busy writing it that I was almost late to my class this morning. When I looked down at the pages I had written, my heart was broken at how angry I sounded. The passive-aggressive letter is long and full of questions and exclamations I would have to flinch to even say aloud to her. Who do I think I am, expressing those hurtful comments to someone who matters so much to me? But, what if those comments need to be spoken because of how much she matters to me?

At this point I don't know.

Religion seems meaningless right now.

Ecclesiastes ends with the Teacher telling us to fear God and obey Him, for we will be judged. He goes through twelve chapters shooting down everything in the entire universe as meaningless, and then he comes back to God. Obey Him. Those are his final words.

And even at this point, obedience seems meaningless. Unless I disconnect it from religion.

Obedience because of religion is heartless and pointless. Muslims bow in prayer five times a day. Jewish people light eight candles (with a ninth candle in the middle) for Hanukkah each year. Why? These seem to be empty traditions based on obedience to religions that seem empty themselves.

If we think of Christianity in those terms of empty religion, it is meaningless. However, if we think of obedience as an out-flowing of the love we have for our Savior and friend, it becomes a relationship.

Did you know that his love is even here? Even here in the Twilight Zone with a headache, waiting for so many things, trying to get well, sipping tea that's gone cold, wondering how I feel so alone when I'm so surrounded... His love is here. Even here.

• When I can only get out his name in a broken voice before the guilt of my sin overcomes me, He's here.
• When I can't concentrate on a single homework assignment, not to mention a chapter of my favorite book in His Word, He's here.
• When I feel like I'm failing as a small group co-leader, like my past has come back to haunt me, He's here.
• When I wrongly think that hearing his words and feeling his hug would make things right, He's here.
• When I hurt with desperation over the confusion in my friendships, He's here.
• When I have trouble even lasting a shift at work, He's here.
• When no food satisfies and most of it leaves me feeling nauseous, He's here.
• When my singleness adds to my already disillusioned outlook, He's here.
• And even when I don't want Him, He's here. Like a patient gentleman, He's waiting on me to ask Him to come in and be at home with me with nothing but jasmine tea between us.

His love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between. 

Oh, How He Loves.
Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. For the Bible tells me so.

He is the God who is here.

What I'm Listening To:

"Times" - Tenth Avenue North

"Sometimes" - David Crowder Band

Thankful for His Grace

What is God's response when we sin? What is his attitude towards us? Is God angry at us?

I've written about my legalistic tendencies before, but to reiterate, I have a very difficult time accepting grace. To me, and to many people, it seems as if a perfect God would not tolerate any sinfulness on our part, and that immediate repentance and begging and pleading is required to appease his wrath that occurs because of our sin.

Yet is that really how God views us? Romans 8 says "nothing will be able separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus." Nothing. Nothing in the future or in the past. Just prior to that verse, Paul writes that it is God who sent his only son, Jesus, to die for us, which means that God would not turn around and then condemn us. Jesus has already stood in our place to receive our punishment. Since we are justified by God through Jesus, Jesus cannot and will not condemn us either. Romans 8:34 says that Jesus died and rose again, and is now sitting at God's right hand interceding or pleading for us. That means that he is praying for us continually.

Why would Jesus pray for us? To paraphrase theologian Bryan Chapell, Jesus is pleading for us even today because we still sin even today. Why yes, Christians still sin, but, like I wrote earlier, sin in a Christian's life eventually leads him or her closer to God. Where sin abounds, grace does much more abound. God's grace is overflowing for us because he has already redeemed us. God doesn't change his mind when it comes to grace.

Yet, here is my dilemma. If God will keep forgiving me, do I have to stop sinning? What if sin feels good or is a natural response? Paul asked this same question in Romans 5:20-6:2:

....But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant. So just as sin ruled over all people and brought them to death, now God’s wonderful grace rules instead, giving us right standing with God and resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it?

Chapter six goes on to say that we are no longer slaves to sin. As Christians, we have been redeemed. Grace reigns in us through righteousness for eternal life. Yet in God, we have the full power to tell Satan to get out of our way. We can say "No." We are no longer slaves to sin.

Another thing to consider is that sin disrupts our relationship with God. I would argue that it doesn't change how God sees and feels about us (remember, he doesn't change his mind), but it changes how we feel about God. I think the Holy Spirit convicts us, but I don't think God is stomping around like an angry Zeus. Ever done something behind someone's back that you should not have done, and then ignored them because you felt guilty about it? That is what happens when Christians sin. We feel bad about it and there is a disruption in our relationship with God. Yes, sin is sin, and yes, it is wrong. However, I think too many Christians forget that Jesus has truly already died for our sins.

I described this phenomenon of sin actually drawing us closer to God in an earlier post:

When we sin now, as believers, we can come to God and kneel before him and confess, "God, I'm sorry for my sin. I repent." And you know what? God says, "What sin? I don't know what you're talking about. Come up here and sit on my lap."

God's forgiveness does not give us a license to sin. In fact, it should make us want to sin less. Wow, God really loves me. I'm so grateful for that and I don't want to take advantage of it. John 14:15 says, "If you love me, obey my commandments." When we love God, we are more likely to not want to sin against him. When we know that God loves us, we are more likely to come to him in repentance, not terrified fear, after sinning.

So, how do we know that God really loves us? Open your Bible! It's full of God's love. Jason Zahn says that when dealing with repetitive sins, we know we are doing the right thing if we are making progress towards sanctification. It may be hard to see for a while, but when we see that we are sinning less, that we are pursuing Bible study, prayer, worship, and community, and that, as Zahn says, we are "grow[ing] in understanding [of our] Savior," we know that God continues to forgive. Not only does he continue to forgive, but he continues to love.

Remember, you don't have to have all your crap together to approach God. Not the first time you approach him or the 47th time. Or the 8,739th time. Because in reality, the Christian life is not actually about us. My sanctification is not the end all be all of Christ's death and resurrection. Fortunately, Christ came and died so all the nations would be saved through him. Really, this life is about God and his ultimate cosmic plan. I believe his plan includes my growth and maturation and sanctification as a follower of Him. But I also believe there's more to it than that.

This November, I am challenging myself to be thankful for his grace. I have often been very cynical of it. I have thought things like, "Why on earth would God still love someone like me?" And, "Since I don't understand why God would forgive me, I'm not going to accept it." What a horrible way to treat the death of my Savior! He died so that I might live, and I refuse to live. Ridiculous.

I'm remembering, even today, that in Him, I am literally a new creation. When he says that the old has gone, he is not saying that it is my duty to remove everything bad from my life. That is what I am aiming for, but He is doing it in me and through me. It is a slow process, but all good things are slow processes.

Two years ago, I never would have imagined that when God told me he was going to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before there was a guy in my life, he meant all that has happened since then. I mean, I've had some guy troubles, some friendship troubles, I've begun counseling, I've faced the crap that I stuffed for many years... I went to Asia and I'm planning to go back (wow!), I felt my calling to teaching solidified... so much has happened. So much has changed. Finally, I'm out of the "funk" that haunted me for several weeks earlier this semester. I'm starting to see God and Christianity in a new light. I'm starting to see his forgiveness as beautiful and merciful, not as unwanted as I did before. I'm (very slowly) starting to see marriage as viable, possible, and not completely terrifying.

Does all of this mean that God's going to plop Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome right in front of me tomorrow? I'd be beyond surprised if he did. It does mean that God is still doing those great and wonderful things. He hasn't given up on me and He is still working in my life.

What a beautiful, gracious, amazing, and mighty God we serve. Oh, how he loves!

What I'm Listening To:

"Free" - Switchfoot

"Only Grace" - Matthew West

"Desert Soul" - Rend Collective Experiment

"This Love is Free" - Hyland

Turning Twenty... And Other Wrestles

I had a bit of a crisis last night in the library between Charles Dickens’ Best Stories and Europe Since 1715. It had nothing to do with literary and historical classics, but… I’m turning twenty years old this weekend! What?!? Don’t get me wrong, this is super exciting, but it’s a time of transition and change as well. And I usually don’t like transition and change.

I was sitting at my favorite table in the library, filling out an application for a ministry position on campus, when I was just a bit shocked at how quickly I had found myself here. Hasn’t it been less than two years since I cried myself to sleep as a high school senior, wondering what was going to happen when I graduated, moved, and “adopted” an entire stepfamily? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I drove a little red Mercury Cougar with bucket seats? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I was a terrified and naïve eighteen year old with a broken family and a heart yearning for love?

Sometimes I just want to yell, "Look at me now!" I want to find that guy who made fun of me in middle school so I can show him who I’ve become and talk with him about what God can do in people’s lives. I want to remind my dad that I am no longer the eight year old little girl I was when he left and I want to tell him that he can never get back those years of my life. I want to actually do the great and wonderful things that my shyness and insecurities kept me from doing years ago.

One of the things I’ve wrestled with when it comes to my birthday is my singleness. For one, God has been showing me amazing things about singleness and sacrifice since my last post. That’s been really good. The problem, however, is that I honestly have not been living and thinking in ways I know I should and in ways that will glorify God. I mean, I have worked to maintain outward displays of purity and joyfulness in singleness, but I am not living with singleness of heart. My heart is not thinking on that which is noble and pure and true and my mind is not full of the glories of my Savior. It is often on two things: Complaining about being "alone" and dwelling on the "potentials" of a relationship.

This makes me upset. God has specifically called me to singleness for this current season, for the next while of my life, and I’ve discovered my heart is set on anything but Him. That should be my point! When we sacrifice what is good, we do so for the whole purpose of gaining that which is best (namely, God). So, if we participate in something like Lent or a personal sacrifice, we must replace what we give up with God, especially more time in his presence and more time meditating on him.

I guess I had some kind of unspoken plan to date while I was still a teenager. Leaving that behind has been weird. It’s a bit like the first time I realized I wasn’t going to be kissed in high school. I’m saving my first kiss for when I get engaged, so that eliminates that opportunity. It really was not a big deal, but it made me think. Now, I’m wondering how long God’s command that I sacrifice my desire to date will be. At this rate, I’m doing a very bad job at it, and God just might call me to surrender dating for a while. Am I okay with that? Well, when it comes to God, I have to be. Assuming that the Creator of the universe actually gave me life and knows how best to live it, I shouldn’t have much of a problem trusting his plans for my life, my entire life, even my love life.

But I do. I do have problems trusting him.

I have a problem when I see yet another couple is displaying way too much physical affection. I have a problem when I don’t pay attention to God’s consistent pursuit of my heart because I chalk it up to coincidence. I have a problem when I hear stories of the not-so-smart actions of girls and guys when it comes to romantic relationships.

This problem is more like a heart cry of mine, focused on the brokenness between people, especially in male/female relationships. A female friend and I talked the other night, completely broken over the hurt we have encountered in relationships with our dads, brothers, guy friends, and male spiritual leaders. There’s a lot of hurt there. I told her that I was striving with every bit of me to believe that there are strong Godly men who are spiritual leaders. Yet after struggling with the pain of broken relationships, believing that is so difficult.

That’s a problem I encounter when it comes to trusting in God. Now, the good news is that we must give God time to shape our future spouses. We wouldn’t want to begin dating them until God has shaped us, too.

And I think that’s my point.

Are we passionately in love with the God who pursues us and loves us with everything? I’ve come to realize that we cannot and should not begin a dating relationship until we are passionately in love with him. This does not mean that we never date. This does not mean that we are hopeless. This simply means that we get some things straight before we involve other person. We must be able to worship and serve God and love doing it. We must find out some things about ourselves, like what makes us tick and what gives us energy, before we try to find that in another person. We must pray and fast and embrace silence and read the Word and every other spiritual discipline. We must learn to love all our brothers and sisters. We must give and give freely of ourselves and our time and our love. And I believe we must have heartache along the way. No one is ready for a dating relationship unless they have been hurt and caused hurt in the past and have come to terms with it and moved. It’s essential.

Is your faith your own? Is your God your own? Do you love him?

I wrote a fictional (but largely based on actual events) post that was themed like a Q and A session with God. I asked God why I was still single. He asked me if I loved him. I hope and pray that we would dive deeper into him, take our pain and joys to him, and worship him fully. That’s why we’re here.

Even at twenty years old and never dated, that's still why I'm here. A woman's highest calling is the same as a man's, regardless of occupation, station, or relationship status... to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Like a Tree

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.

Ephesians 3:17

God sure works in mysterious ways, but I believe that he always provides confirmation. God provided wet fleece for Gideon, a star for the Magi, and a promise for Abraham. He asked these people to go and do, sometimes without specific directions, but once they obeyed, he gave them provision and confirmation.

Today, I drove to a nearby town to mentor like I do every Friday, but I actually did not get the opportunity to mentor this week. I was a little disappointed about it, but I realized when I was driving back to campus that God had shown me something awesome earlier. Maybe the point of driving out there was to see the confirmation God was showing me.

God has used music to get my attention before, and today, as I was pulling off campus, a song came on our campus radio station that really made me focus. It was Ascend the Hill's cover of "How Great Thou Art." I typically love modern covers of hymns, and this one is phenomenal. After that song, I flipped through a couple stations and heard "Our God," "How He Loves," and "My Savior Lives," all powerful songs that hold meaning for me. God was talking and asking me to listen.

I drove past a house I've driven past several times before, but this time, due to the weather changing, the tree was only half covered with leaves, orange and yellow leaves, and as I watched, some leaves drifted off the tree and floated to the ground.

And God said, "Alex, I want you to be a tree." Seriously. He said, "I've been shaking you and your leaves, the things you hold dear, because I want you to hold me dearer than any of that. Soon, you're going to be bare. You have felt and will feel empty and alone. But you are never alone. And during those times, I urge you to dig your roots down deep into my love and my words. Look, I am bringing about new buds. Little bursts of growth and blessing. Alex, let me love you, and I will shower lush leaves upon you. I will bring about new growth and new experiences and new things for you and for the people around you. I long for you to trust me, to hope in me, to have faith that what I am bringing about is best, even you don't understand, even when you're hurt. Let me love you. Let me demonstrate my faithfulness. I am the Lord your God."

For I am like a tree whose roots reach the water, whose branches are refreshed with the dew.

Job 29:19

So I'm going to be a tree.