"What is Man?" [My Thoughts on Lent]

Stuck between hours of reading, journal responses, and craft nights for Valentine's Day sits something I usually scarcely notice. My desk and the kitchen table are scattered with glittery heart stickers and pink and red hole scraps of paper. There are books everywhere.

My nights are late. When they're not, my mornings are early. And sometimes both.

This is the point of the semester when you prove yourself. It's not yet mid-terms. It's not yet pay-day. The homework level has increased to the typical norm and you must balance your time wisely so you can complete the bigger tasks that lay ahead.

I am not-so-patiently awaiting details on overseas student teaching, acceptance at a summer job, and confirmation for my future. I struggle with feeling alone, again, on Valentine's Day. I struggle with feeling tired too early in the semester. I struggle with keeping a budget when I'm on the five-meal plan. I struggle with freedom.

Today was Ash Wednesday, which marked the beginning of the Lenten season. My college has, in the past couple semesters, introduced a variety of worship styles. Our chapel service this morning was an Ash Wednesday service based on Anglican liturgy. It included Scripture reading, responsive reading, chanting, kneeling, standing, prayers aloud and silently, and the traditional ashen cross. We were given the option of coming forward during the Imposition of Ashes to receive the cross on our foreheads.

While the speaker, a professor here, spoke candidly about how we must not skip ahead to the resurrection too soon, I found myself longing for it desperately throughout the service. It is true that being raised in communities that only barely resemble liturgical churches may have colored my perception of liturgy. However, it seems to me that we can get too easily caught up in guilt and shame and sin that we neglect to act as if and believe that we are forgiven. Having lived in a mindset of legalism, guilt (real and false), and worthlessness for years, I am tired of feeling guilty for my sins any longer. Maybe that is not the appropriate response, but it is exactly how I feel. I don't want to be beaten over the head with rules that make me feel like crap. Don't God and I have a relationship?

Someone once told me that legalism is the natural course of the heart. When we realize we aren't doing it perfectly, we strive to make rules for ourselves so that we will, by our estimation. What we don't understand is that God doesn't want rules and God doesn't want sacrifices. He wants us to do what he says out of love, not out of a fear that we don't, we will be struck down from heaven.

Yet perhaps there is a time and a place for the "Ash Wednesday" phenomenon. I mean, the church calendar has been around for ages and no one really seems to have a huge problem with today's purple and black and ash crosses. Yes, my sinfulness brings me to my knees on many occasions. I guess the problem I have is with "requiring" repentance just because this is the beginning of a season.

I would just like to change the connotation of the Lenten season. Rather than a time of repentance and sad reflection, let this be a time of eager anticipation. Do not fast because it somehow reminds you of the suffering of Christ (how can it even compare?). Fast because it allows you that time to devote to knowing Christ more. And never, by any means, fast because everyone else is doing it. Fast (from anything) because God is telling you to do it.

In the scheme of things, finite man is nothing compared to infinite God. Nothing. But the fact remains that he is deeply in love with us. Why? Because he is delighted in the creation that he chose to create.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

- Psalm 8:3-5

Turning Twenty... And Other Wrestles

I had a bit of a crisis last night in the library between Charles Dickens’ Best Stories and Europe Since 1715. It had nothing to do with literary and historical classics, but… I’m turning twenty years old this weekend! What?!? Don’t get me wrong, this is super exciting, but it’s a time of transition and change as well. And I usually don’t like transition and change.

I was sitting at my favorite table in the library, filling out an application for a ministry position on campus, when I was just a bit shocked at how quickly I had found myself here. Hasn’t it been less than two years since I cried myself to sleep as a high school senior, wondering what was going to happen when I graduated, moved, and “adopted” an entire stepfamily? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I drove a little red Mercury Cougar with bucket seats? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I was a terrified and naïve eighteen year old with a broken family and a heart yearning for love?

Sometimes I just want to yell, "Look at me now!" I want to find that guy who made fun of me in middle school so I can show him who I’ve become and talk with him about what God can do in people’s lives. I want to remind my dad that I am no longer the eight year old little girl I was when he left and I want to tell him that he can never get back those years of my life. I want to actually do the great and wonderful things that my shyness and insecurities kept me from doing years ago.

One of the things I’ve wrestled with when it comes to my birthday is my singleness. For one, God has been showing me amazing things about singleness and sacrifice since my last post. That’s been really good. The problem, however, is that I honestly have not been living and thinking in ways I know I should and in ways that will glorify God. I mean, I have worked to maintain outward displays of purity and joyfulness in singleness, but I am not living with singleness of heart. My heart is not thinking on that which is noble and pure and true and my mind is not full of the glories of my Savior. It is often on two things: Complaining about being "alone" and dwelling on the "potentials" of a relationship.

This makes me upset. God has specifically called me to singleness for this current season, for the next while of my life, and I’ve discovered my heart is set on anything but Him. That should be my point! When we sacrifice what is good, we do so for the whole purpose of gaining that which is best (namely, God). So, if we participate in something like Lent or a personal sacrifice, we must replace what we give up with God, especially more time in his presence and more time meditating on him.

I guess I had some kind of unspoken plan to date while I was still a teenager. Leaving that behind has been weird. It’s a bit like the first time I realized I wasn’t going to be kissed in high school. I’m saving my first kiss for when I get engaged, so that eliminates that opportunity. It really was not a big deal, but it made me think. Now, I’m wondering how long God’s command that I sacrifice my desire to date will be. At this rate, I’m doing a very bad job at it, and God just might call me to surrender dating for a while. Am I okay with that? Well, when it comes to God, I have to be. Assuming that the Creator of the universe actually gave me life and knows how best to live it, I shouldn’t have much of a problem trusting his plans for my life, my entire life, even my love life.

But I do. I do have problems trusting him.

I have a problem when I see yet another couple is displaying way too much physical affection. I have a problem when I don’t pay attention to God’s consistent pursuit of my heart because I chalk it up to coincidence. I have a problem when I hear stories of the not-so-smart actions of girls and guys when it comes to romantic relationships.

This problem is more like a heart cry of mine, focused on the brokenness between people, especially in male/female relationships. A female friend and I talked the other night, completely broken over the hurt we have encountered in relationships with our dads, brothers, guy friends, and male spiritual leaders. There’s a lot of hurt there. I told her that I was striving with every bit of me to believe that there are strong Godly men who are spiritual leaders. Yet after struggling with the pain of broken relationships, believing that is so difficult.

That’s a problem I encounter when it comes to trusting in God. Now, the good news is that we must give God time to shape our future spouses. We wouldn’t want to begin dating them until God has shaped us, too.

And I think that’s my point.

Are we passionately in love with the God who pursues us and loves us with everything? I’ve come to realize that we cannot and should not begin a dating relationship until we are passionately in love with him. This does not mean that we never date. This does not mean that we are hopeless. This simply means that we get some things straight before we involve other person. We must be able to worship and serve God and love doing it. We must find out some things about ourselves, like what makes us tick and what gives us energy, before we try to find that in another person. We must pray and fast and embrace silence and read the Word and every other spiritual discipline. We must learn to love all our brothers and sisters. We must give and give freely of ourselves and our time and our love. And I believe we must have heartache along the way. No one is ready for a dating relationship unless they have been hurt and caused hurt in the past and have come to terms with it and moved. It’s essential.

Is your faith your own? Is your God your own? Do you love him?

I wrote a fictional (but largely based on actual events) post that was themed like a Q and A session with God. I asked God why I was still single. He asked me if I loved him. I hope and pray that we would dive deeper into him, take our pain and joys to him, and worship him fully. That’s why we’re here.

Even at twenty years old and never dated, that's still why I'm here. A woman's highest calling is the same as a man's, regardless of occupation, station, or relationship status... to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Sacrifices

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

(1 Peter 2:9)

I have never officially participated in Lent, the 40 days of fasting before Easter, but I have made spiritual decisions for my life that correspond with lent for the past two years. So far this year, God has been doing some amazingly awesome stuff, which has contributed to what I’m doing for a personal rendition of Lent.

For one, this past Thursday, God gave reconciliation to a friendship of mine. It was pretty much unexpected and surprising. I was convinced people could not change, but I was reminded that when God gets a hold of someone who is open, awesome things happen. That reconciliation was an answer to prayer and I know God is going to do great things with this friend’s life.

Friday, the next day, I went hiking and “swimming” with some awesome friends. After dinner, I went back to my room, but it was Friday, so I didn’t want to do any homework or hang out alone. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anyone to hang out with, but I began to sense that I needed and wanted to spend time with God. So, I grabbed my Bible, journal, and iPod and headed to the campus prayer room, where I turned up the worship music so loud the walls were shaking. That whole worship experience was amazing. It was almost two and a half hours of singing, Scripture reading, artsy-crafty worship, and dancing (yes, dancing can be worship, too!). It was good communion with God.

And then, out of the blue, some thoughts popped up. Not immoral thoughts, just a realization. I realized that guys who love Jesus are attractive. Not sure why it took me so long to get it... just kidding! Anyway, I was so taken aback by the suddenness of these thoughts I honestly did not know what to do with them; I immediately turned them over to God. Obviously, it’s not wrong for women to be attracted to Godly men, but this was worship time. I have come to understand that my focus should be always be on God over and above what God has created, even if it’s good.

This simple and somewhat naïve action this past Friday started an entire personal lent movement. When I went to God with the realization, he asked me make a sacrifice. He asked me to sacrifice my desire to date and get married. Almost immediately, Genesis chapter 22 (where Abraham attempts to sacrifice Isaac) came to mind and I knew that’s what God wanted me to do.

Even though I’m making this sacrifice, I believe I will still get married. Abraham knew and believed his descendents would come from Isaac, but he was still able and ready to obey God and sacrifice Isaac (see Hebrews 11:17-19). The point and meaning of this sacrifice is that I will make a conscious and intentional effort to focus on God and my relationship with Him instead of the worries, doubts, and fears that come with potentially entering the realm of dating. 

Believe me when I say that guys who obviously love Jesus are incredibly attractive to me. What a blessing from the Lord to feel that way! We are human beings after all. Yet I know God is calling me to singleness for this time. I know, because he has asked me to hold my relationship with him so close that a dating relationship cannot be in the picture yet.

Towards the end of my first semester of freshman year, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before he brought a guy into my life. I asked for those things, and slowly, God revealed them. Most of them were ministry opportunities or personal development opportunities that could be best taken as a single person. When I returned to school this January, I looked back over what I was doing and I realized none of those things were in my life anymore. Suddenly, I questioned God’s providence. Was he calling me to remain single or to date? Now, with this new revelation of sacrifice, I am convinced again of God’s purposes and providence. He has a plan for my life and he is doing great things. Awesome things.

The prayer team on my college’s campus has organized a 24/7 Bible Reading, in which students and staff of the college sign up to read from the Bible for 24 hours a day as many days as it takes to read the entire Bible, which is actually going to be less than seven days. We’ve done the same thing with prayer before. Last night, I went to listen to whomever was reading, but I ended up filling in for an hour for someone who missed their shift. I was reading Psalms and I kept breaking out in song every few chapters. It was raining, so I kept singing “And I believe You will come like the rain” from Jesus Culture, as well as any songs I thought of when I read the Psalms. It was pretty amazing. I left that hour, after reading, praying, and singing the Word, very fulfilled. I prayed for rain and for God to come like Hosea 6:3 says.

The funny thing is, we sang “You’ll Come” by Hillsong in chapel today. The chorus is about both rain and God coming to us, and I knew it was no coincidence that it lined up perfectly with what I prayed for last night. And it did rain today, it was just misty instead of drenching. I began to see that God’s pursuit of me is definitely not a coincidence, but that it is real and consistent, but more than that, it is gentle, like misty rain. I am reminded that God’s love is strong. How can something so often thought of as weak and mushy be strong? I think it’s in the same way that God’s pursuit of his bride is both furious and gentle at the same time.

My point is that in “giving up” the dating desire (and taking practical steps to reduce the temptation I encounter to worry about or lust over a potential relationship), I am making the effort to grow closer to God and to listen to him as he is pursuing me. So, yeah, in some way, this is what I’m giving up for Lent. And this semester. And this summer. And probably this entire year. And who knows how long. Because my relationship with the God of the universe matters so much than getting married and having kids. Don’t get me wrong, I desperately desire to get married and have kids one day, but that cannot be my focus. I can’t go to college to get my MRS degree, because that’s ridiculous. I must ask myself: who am I focusing on?

Maybe, if you’ve read this far, you’re wondering why I put 1 Peter 2:9 as the opening for this post. Honestly, I do not know. All I know is that within a couple hours on Monday night, I heard this verse twice from two different people in two completely different contexts. I am asking God to show me what he wants me to gather from this verse.  I know for sure that God is doing great things and, as his child, I am privileged to be a part of them. To be loved by the God of the universe so much that he calls you his holy priesthood is pretty amazing stuff. He loves you.

Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City" or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God,” for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

(Isaiah 62:4)

Fasting

I've been thinking a lot about fasting (or abstaining from something for a period of time) recently. Not only are we in the 3rd week of Lent (or 4th, depending on your church), but today is the first day of the April session of the Global Bridegroom Fast, which occurs on the first Monday-Wednesday of each month. I have several friends who are giving up various things in order to observe (and celebrate!) these times of fasting, such as junk food, shoes, Facebook, even talking! There is someone in our prayer room on campus for 36 hours straight, for the Global Bridegroom Fast.

I had the 6pm shift in the prayer room today, and I will meeting up with friends for the 10pm shift tomorrow and the 11pm shift on Wednesday. This morning in chapel, our campus pastor spoke about fasting and how Christians fast to dedicate time to God and to seek his face and his will more clearly. It's been a great day just learning about fasting and the freedom we have to give something to God.

And I suppose here is the point where I should comment on my personal interaction with fasting. I once wanted to participate in the 30-hour famine sponsored by World Vision, but I was cautioned against it, because I was a growing teenage girl. However, I did decide to give up other things as time went on. The week before Prom my senior year, I gave up Facebook for seven days. It was awesome. Since January 1st, 2011, other than the week of Spring Break, I have only had Coke and sweet Tea on the weekends. I turned off my Facebook chat the week before Lent. During Lent, I have chosen not to get on Facebook on Sundays. I've made small steps that have made a difference in who I am and how I spend my time.

I did not specifically give up anything for Lent this year, because I didn't feel God telling me to do so. That's the number one step of fasting: don't do it unless God tells you to do it. During chapel this morning, after being challenged to give up something and use that time to reconnect with God, our campus pastor gave us a brief moment to pray about it and ask God what he wanted us to do. During this time, friends of mine decided to fast from all food for three days and another friend received renewed dedication and peace about her original Lenten sacrifice, among other things. I, on the other hand, didn't feel or receive anything then, but it began to hit me later.

I love Lipton Green Tea. I realized it when I was almost late to class this morning because I had to put more bottles of green tea in my fridge so they would be cold when I wanted them. Because I'm not drinking coke and sweet tea, I drink water in the cafeteria and green tea in the dorm. So, how much green tea am I actually drinking on a daily basis?

I decided to give up green tea for the three days of the Global Bridegroom Fast. I will only be drinking water and milk during this time (and the 4 tablespoons of Cuban coffee my roommate gave me tonight). It's only Monday and I'm missing my green tea. But I know this will teach me something. I know that God placed this seemingly insignificant thing on my heart for a purpose. And I also know that God's going to start me with the little things, like Green Tea, before I can graduate to giving even more of me to God on a daily basis.

My challenge here is for you to consider what typically stands in between you and God. Or what do you spend a large portion of your time doing? Ask God what he wants to give up for a day, three days, a week, a month, six months, or longer. And do it. Do it if you have a specific prayer need you desire to bring before God. Do it if you want to focus more on an intimate fellowship with God.

Overwhelmed Only By His Love

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