God Who Proves Himself

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

The lyrics of this beautiful hymn, written in 1882 by Louisa Stead, sound like a paradox. I trust Jesus, I've proved Jesus, I need to trust Jesus more. Wait, do I trust him or not? Is trust an all or nothing thing, like being dead? Or is it more like a gradient thing? Like being hungry for a 3 Musketeers but not hungry enough for dinner.

Yeah, I don't know.

I do remember facing a circumstance and its subsequent aftermath and wondering if I could trust God again. It was a subtle unwinding of my faith, but it was rebuilt each time I called out His name, even if His name was the only thing I could muster. Somehow I came to the point where I trusted Him again. I think that was a very slow process, and I think it occurred because I needed Him. I needed God to be real and trustworthy and even though I wanted to hide with shame, He was there. He started to prove himself again.

This past June, I wrote about the confirmation I felt about my call to go to Asia. I specifically referenced the  fact that my eyes kept "leaking." I was crying all over the place because of the confirmation and fulfillment that the God provided about the trip. It is here, in the beginning of this semester, that I am faced with a similar situation. My eyes are leaking again. It is confirmation again.

The day before yesterday, I read the first chapter of our Literature for Today's Young Adults textbook and I found myself tearing up. What am I doing? This is a textbook for a college class, I thought to myself. But isn't God in the college classroom? Isn't God in my career choices? Isn't God in what I want to do for the rest of my life?

Yesterday, I attended a professional development conference for education majors. I had a conversation and prayer with an encouraging speaker on overseas teaching. I listened to a presentation / Q and A session with a principal at a Christian school who supports Christian education. That is what I want to do for the rest of my life. The last speaker, the one who is a principal at a Christian school, shared with us that if God has called you to Christian education and you follow Him in that, He will be faithful. You won't have money, but He will be faithful.

God's faithfulness is something I have been overwhelmed with for a long time, so that was an encouraging thought. Above and beyond, I was aware of being needy. Teachers don't make very much and Christian school teachers don't make anything. But God provides. God proves himself.

I have written before about actions and qualities of God. For example, God is a God who is here. He is a God who knows and who sees. Today, I want to write about the God who proves himself.

I had a first hand experience of this when I went to the store yesterday. To understand this story, you need to know that I have an envelope of money I've set aside for groceries to use until I get paid again that clearly has the word "Groceries" written on the front. So... I was walking down the hill to my car when I realized I had forgotten my grocery money. Because it was important, I turned around and went back to get it. I drove to the grocery store, went in, bought the sour cream I needed for a recipe and a couple things I probably didn't need, and went to check out.

That's when I noticed I didn't have my grocery money envelope with me. What's weird is that I found enough cash in my wallet to pay for my sour cream and stuff without even having my grocery money. I bought my stuff and went out to my car. And it was then I realized my car door was unlocked. I was worried, because I knew I had left my money in the car and I couldn't find it! When I got in my car and looked around, it turned out that my money had fallen between my car seats. So even though my car door was unlocked, my clearly marked grocery money envelope was not obvious. I don't think anyone would steal my money, but I was so thankful the situation wasn't tempting to anyone walking by. God proved himself in that.

God has also proved himself in how even though I won't get paid again until the end of February, I am confident I don't have to worry about what I'm going to eat. I tweeted the other day that Matthew 6:25 was definitely written for students on the five meal plan. The great thing is that I don't have to worry. God is proving himself.

God is also proving himself in the next thing I think he is teaching me, which is listening. I am not naturally gifted in extroversion or intercession or socializing. At all. I cannot do small talk or make speeches or answer impromptu questions without at least a hint of my old stutter coming back. But you know what happened? God has placed me in multiple situations in which I have to listen. One of those has been people in my life who talk a lot. No offense to these people, but when they keep talking, all you can do is listen. Sometimes God teaches you something by plunging you headfirst into it. Another situation was when my roommate and I got into a disagreement and she chided me for interrupting and speaking critically of her. I wasn't listening.

I heard once that people most enjoy talking about themselves. If you listen to people, you give them the honor of your presence. You build their self-esteem because you are demonstrating interest in their lives. Listening means being quiet and occasionally asking open-ended questions. It means looking with interest and showing that you care about what they have to say.

And when you do listen? You get to hear about the awesome stuff that God is doing, like making ways for your friends to go on mission trips and providing stories of angels in disguise. You can validate a person's story and testimony just by listening. When Jesus healed the demon-possessed man in Luke chapter 8, the man wanted to follow Jesus as a disciple, but Jesus told him:

"No, go back to your family, and tell them everything God has done for you." So he went all through the town proclaiming the great things Jesus had done for him.

- Luke 8:39

So keep listening, and take it from me. God is proving himself in my finances, my future, and his instruction to me to listen. When you follow God, he will provide. He will prove himself in little ways and in big ways. Do not worry.

So don’t worry about these things, saying, "What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?" These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

-Matthew 7:11

Impossible

It's become almost like a curse word to me now: the "i" word. Let me explain...

My last full day in Asia, my own shortsightedness and humanity hit me in the face. For all my group's previous large-group meetings, we had been in a fairly big room with a projector, floor to ceiling windows, and several rows of chairs. Yet for some reason, we were scheduled to gather in a much smaller room for our final meeting. My roommate and I arrived around 8 minutes early to find the room empty, save for a few scattered tables. We were very confused.

A minute later, a man arrived who would be conducting part of the meeting. He clarified who he was and that this was the room we were meeting in, and then he asked for our help to arrange the room. We began folding tables and unstacking chairs as more people arrived. Soon, there were at least ten of us arranging rows and occasionally pausing to count the chairs.

The entire time, I kept saying to myself and, even more unfortunately, to the people around me: "This is not going to work. There isn't enough room. This area is too small. How are we going to fit more than seventy people in here?" I remember once, leaning over to my roommate and saying a bit too loudly, "This is just impossible."

Less than ten minutes later, the room was arranged and seating was provided for more than seventy people.

When I realized what had just happened, I felt extremely humiliated. I found a seat on the second row and sat down, feeling awkward and probably blushing a bit. The good news is that the man who had asked us to help wasn't bothered at all by my doubt, and he struck up a conversation with me before the meeting started.

It occurred to me later that God did a lot of impossible things this summer. I mean, seriously, I lived half-way around the world for more than five weeks and not only survived, but loved it. My team and I led, organized, and taught a three-week English camp to almost 200 Asian teenagers. I built friendships with my team, my students, and a bunch of Lao college kids that I hope will be lasting. I saw the need for prayer and some methods of prayer and I discovered the importance of intentionality in relationships. I lost my wallet, but thankfully not my ID or passport, and I received my replacement debit card in the mail in perfect timing. And, with about 9 other people, I set up seventy chairs in a room which I thought could not hold that many people.

And I realized: Nothing is impossible for God. When I'm putting my trust in the Almighty Father, He is truly that: All. Mighty. Omnipotent. Can't the One who created the world also work in the world? He is not a hands-off God, He is an active and present and all-knowing God.

Nothing is impossible for Him. He works everything out in His ways and with His provision. We may feel as if that limits Him, but it doesn't. It only shows his greatness and omnipotence. I guess I should stop saying that things are impossible. Saying that just proves that I am not trusting my Father. "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)

What I'm Listening To:

"Grace" - Tenth Avenue North

"You Do All Things Well" - Tenth Avenue North

Friends, Foes, and Confidants

When I first came to college, I legitimately asked God to make me an extrovert. Most of the girls I met were out being crazy (e.g. Taco Bell runs and hikes to Little Falls) at random hours every evening during Orientation week. I was organizing my room. For the third time. And because introverts are, by definition, usually by themselves, it was just a little bit difficult to make friends.

But I did, praise the Lord, partly because I prayed earnestly for friendships all throughout my senior year of high school, especially second semester. To realize halfway through my freshman year of college that I had developed some amazing friendships literally rocked my world. One day, I posted this line on my tumblr blog: “I’m so in love with these people.”

All fine and dandy, right? Wrong.

Now, please do not misunderstand me. Friends are a blessing, especially for introverts. It is imperative that we understand that God made us for relationships. Ultimately, he made us for a relationship with him (to glorify and enjoy him - Westminster catechism, anyone?) Also, because it was not good for us to be alone, and because one way we can learn about our relationship with God is by having relationships with others, God gave us each other.

The problem comes when we put what God has given us over God Himself. Suddenly, everything is out of order, and that makes for a lopsided life.

I recently began to reevaluate my friendships, because I felt like I was putting friends above God. I also felt like very few of my friends were “doing” friendship the same way I was, and that made me feel even more alone. However, to my friends, it looked like I was literally pushing them away.

How can an introvert evaluate her friendships without looking like she is pushing her friends away?

I don’t know. But I do know that God made us to love each other, even though it’s so messy.

What I’m learning is that philos (friendship love) is going to be messy and yucky sometimes. But we do it anyway, because God said so. And because the rewards of loving one another is beautiful.

The disciple John wrote about love in two of his books. In John 13:35, he says, “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” This is pretty legit. We are called to love each other. I believe that love is the first step towards anything spiritual happening. For example, we must love the unreached and meet their physical needs before we can share Jesus with them. We must love before fear will leave (1 John 4:18). If we hate our Christian brothers and sisters, there’s no way we can love God (1 John 4:20-21).

This is a tough pill to swallow for an introvert, but I would like to let you in on a little secret: Love does not mean you have 47 intimate friends. Love does not mean you can’t also have time alone. Love does not mean you are constantly surrounded by people. Love means you truly care about others (Philippians 2:4). It means you give up yourself for them (John 15:13). It means you notice your friends' love languages and you look for ways to meet them. It means even if you don’t have a coffee date every night of every week, you still make time for people.

And sometimes, it’s okay to be a little extroverted. I’ve started to place an addendum on my introversion status. I say: “Yeah, I’m an introvert... who loves people.”

Lesson from this week: Don’t place anything above God (Exodus 20:3), but don’t stop loving (Luke 10:27).
I wrote earlier about a sacrifice God had called me to make. Recently, I was speaking with someone about it, and they asked me some questions that began to plant doubt in my confidence. I was a little upset, because I was sure that God had called me.

In less than a 30 hour period this week, God gave me two verses about sacrifices. The basic gist from each verse is that God wants my heart more than he wants my sacrifice. I learned that is the reason for my sacrifice: that I would become closer to God. That I would love him and that I would love others. Sometimes God calls us to give up something that is standing in the way of our obedience to the greatest commandments, and that’s why I’m sacrificing.

“To love [God] with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” - Mark 12:33

Take It or Leave It

The English idiom "take it or leave it" has two distinct meanings. It can mean that the other person must take your offer and you will not compromise (think of making an offer at a pawn shop or auction). It can also mean that the item is not important or wanted enough to be overly concerned about ("Sushi's not my favorite, but I'll eat it... I could take it or leave it").

God's been asking me to take it or leave it recently. For example, there was a circumstance with a situation I wanted to remedy, a person I wanted to hold on to, and God said, "Hey, if I asked you to, could you totally let this go? Could you take it or leave it?" I realized I had to leave it behind. It just wasn't worth it.

But I want to focus on taking or leaving something else that has been bothering me for a while now. Being in a two-parent household for the first time in ten years, where my stepdad works two jobs just because he wants to, we are better off financially more than we were in the past. It's difficult to watch (and I often feel uncomfortable over) the amount of money my family spends - even though comparatively, it's not outrageous. Having experienced ten years with no internet or cable at home and PB&J instead of Filet Mignon, I feel weird when we drop a nice amount at a Japanese steakhouse, for example. In addition, spending eight or so months in a culture where 86 cent Ramen noodles are regular fare, gas money is hard to come by, and half of my peers have first-hand accounts of starving children in Africa, has shaped me.

Speaking of college, during this past year, I hesitated to speak about money. The times I did, I received some weird looks or a snide comment. I always offered to drive friends, and I bought what I needed (and even some of what I wanted) on regular Walmart trips. And many times it made me uncomfortable. I give to church and to missions, but why do I have more than other people? (Maybe so I can give, and give freely, to church and missions and friends? Hm.)

Through all this, I've wrestled with the desire to minister to those who appear well-off. I'm unsure if this desire is from God (a "missionary to the mansions" kind of thing) or from me (cushy lifestyle instead of just scraping by). Years ago, I was struggling with this same thing as I babysat for both a wealthy family and a 'penny-pinching' family. I still remember a certain moment one night; I was sitting on my bedroom floor with a journal and I was just pouring all of this out to God. Eventually, I told him: "I will follow you to the mansion by the golf course country club or to the dirt-floor shack in the middle of India."

How true that is becoming! With a degree in English Education, which I plan to receive in 3 years, I could teach AP English Literature at an elite college-prep school in the Buckhead area of Atlanta. Or I could teach remedial reading at a Title I school in the low income county of Hancock. Or I could teach ESL at a school in China or Mexico. Or teach Chaucer and Bunyan at a middle-income Christian school in Greenville. Or teach sponsor-supported missionary kids at an International School in Spain. You get the picture.

God is asking me, "Alex, if I place you in a location, in a situation where money is prevalent, you must be willing to take it or leave it for me. You must love the people and not the stuff. And you must be willing to take me and leave everything else behind at a moment's notice." And you know what? This applies even today, too. There are so many things in life clamoring for my attention, my energy, my time, my faith, and my desire that God is often pushed aside from the forefront of my life. This should definitely not be so. I finished reading an allegorical book recently where the main character built an altar every time she began putting what she wanted (healing, human love, to go her own way, etc) above what God wanted for her. This is the way I should view my life. If I could drop it all for Christ - if I could take it or leave it - I'm on the right track. Matthew 19:29-30 says,

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

This does not mean we should disown our family to go live in the jungle in the middle of nowhere. But it does mean that God always comes first. I've heard countless stories of teenagers and young adults who wanted to pursue something God laid on their hearts, despite the words of naysayers like their parents. I think it all boils down to obedience. Am I willing to obey God no matter the cost?

See, Abraham did. And Ruth. Mary. Joseph. Jonah. Esther. They gave up their homes, possessions, reputations, safety, even their lives. So why do I find it so hard to give God even a full day of my time?

Finally, for months about a year ago before I left for college, I struggled with the idea of being satisfied in God. How can I be completely satisfied in God and not want or need anything else? Is God really all I need? Yeah, those kind of thoughts. But since last year, and even while writing this, it seems to me that God is revealing just how amazing he really is. Life with God does not even compare to anything else I could possibly want. Everything just looks bleak without God.

When I want God more than I want financial security or a relationship or a squeaky-clean reputation or perfect grades, I honestly can choose God over everything else and be perfectly okay with it. Yeah, it's going to hurt when I start to compare myself with others who have those things, but God is so much better. God's way is better, God's gifts are better, and God's peace is better. And you know what, God gives us the desires of our heart. I like to translate that verse (Psalm 37:4) as God giving us what we will desire (putting the desire in our hearts). Because God has a crazy way of giving us what we do want, be careful what you wish for! But anyway, God's not going to leave you high and dry unless he is actually bringing what you desire to you or he is asking you to sacrifice it on the altar to him. Either way, God's way is better. He is in the restoring business, the redeeming business. And he knows how to give good gifts to his children (Luke 11:13). Don't doubt that God knows what he's doing - even if it doesn't look like he is working for your good. Just be willing to obey whatever he asks of you.

Take it from a recent Tweet of mine:

God: "You are always right where I want you. Instead of complaining about circumstances, watch me do something bigger than you."

Temple Tuesday

Some thoughts to encourage you on this Tuesday before Christmas...

And you, my little son,
will be called the prophet of the Most High,
because you will prepare the way for the Lord.

You will tell his people how to find salvation
through forgiveness of their sins.
Because of God’s tender mercy,
the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us,

to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,
and to guide us to the path of peace.

- Luke 1:76-79 (Zechariah, speaking about his newborn son John the Baptist)

"I believe that if God showed us our purpose and future all at once, we wouldn't be able to handle it. God has such magnificent things in store for you, and sometimes it's going to be painful waiting for them to be manifested completely. Believe me, I know. So take heart and learn to be patient with yourself."

- Me, to a friend

"My child, eat honey, for it is good, and the honeycomb is sweet to the taste. In the same way, wisdom is sweet to your soul. If you find it, you will have a bright future, and your hopes will not be cut short."

- Proverbs 24:13-14

"This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed."

- Habakkuk 2:3

Song of Praise

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her! My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. Each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.
O Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you in all of heaven above or on the earth below. You keep your covenant and show unfailing love to all who walk before you in wholehearted devotion. You have kept your promise to your servant David, my father. You made that promise with your own mouth, and with your own hands you have fulfilled it today.
Forgive your people who have sinned against you. Forgive all the offenses they have committed against you. Make their captors merciful to them, for they are your people—your special possession—whom you brought out of the iron-smelting furnace of Egypt.
May your eyes be open to my requests and to the requests of your people Israel.
Praise the Lord who has given rest to his people Israel, just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the wonderful promises he gave through his servant Moses. May the Lord our God be with us as he was with our ancestors; may he never leave us or abandon us. May he give us the desire to do his will in everything and to obey all the commands, decrees, and regulations that he gave our ancestors. And may these words that I have prayed in the presence of the Lord be before him constantly, day and night, so that the Lord our God may give justice to me and to his people Israel, according to each day’s needs. Then people all over the earth will know that the Lord alone is God and there is no other.

(This song of praise taken from Luke 1:45-47, Psalm 42:8, 1 Kings chapter 8, NLT)

Your Testimony

Look at your testimony, your story of faith. Describe it. Look at where you've been and how far you've come. What has God taught you?

Too often we have this mindset that the only good testimonies are the ones where we can see some spectacular sign of God's immediate and powerful work. We live like the only good testimonies are the stories of desperate, wicked sinners being radically and emotionally changed into God-fearing, loving saints.

...Wait a minute! Aren't we all desperate wicked sinners who need God? And aren't all Christians radically changed by God? And aren't all of us called to radical obedience and crazily giving everything back to God and letting him love others through us?

Well, yeah, actually. But we tend to play the comparison game, even when it comes to our testimonies. We say, "Oh, well, I accepted Christ when I was 6 and I've always lived in a Christian home and I never did drugs or slept around, so my life and testimony is boring" and we hear someone who lived an immoral life and who didn't listen to God until they were adults and have overcome such supposedly vast sins... And we think that their testimony is so much more important and special and influential than ours.

But the truth is that we are all sinners saved by grace through faith. My story is no more important or amazing than yours, because it's my story. It's what God said to me and did in me. Likewise with your story.

I see this in the two stories of changed lives we find in Acts 9:1-22 and in Luke 5:1-11. In Acts chapter 9, Saul is going to Damascus when God does something incredible. If you know the story, you know that a bright light shines down, Saul is blinded, and Jesus asks, "Saul, why are you persecuting me? ... I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do." (v.4-6). It's a pretty amazing story. But God works in many different ways, and we see a slightly different faith story in Luke chapter 5. Jesus climbs into Simon Peter's boat and asks him to take the boat out a bit into the water so Jesus can preach from the boat. It is a seemingly ordinary move - a guy stepping into another guy's boat. Jesus called Peter, a simple, uneducated man who worked as a fisherman to follow him. And Peter didn't leave behind a life of massive, growth sin (in human standards), he left behind his own life. And he took up his cross and followed after Jesus. It changed his life.

So whether or not your testimony sounds "cool" or seems to compare with others' testimonies, it really doesn't matter. Because God has and is and will continue to work in your life. And God will use your struggles and your testimony for his glory. Because that's the purpose, that's the end result: That we are conformed to the image of Christ for the sake of others.