Thunderstorms and Change in the Air

It rained so many times today. The skies were absolutely dark in the direction ahead of me and I was driving  to a nearby town to pick up my brother. I called him and asked him if it was raining where he was. He assured me it was not and I hung up. A few moments later, it started pouring where I was driving.
It rained again when I missed my turn and took the back way to get my brother, this time a more gentle rain. My windshield looked like it was covered in tiny jewels.
Then it rained once I got into town and began helping for my mom's program. We moved everything for the reception upstairs into the cafeteria just in time before a huge storm hit. The lights flickered and the windows shook and we could barely see out of the windows.

My roommate-last-year loves the rain because to her, it is God telling her he's got everything under control and he knows what he's doing. I am not sure if I am remembering right, but I am pretty sure it rained at her grandfather's funeral, and that is why it means so much to her. It was like God was saying, "Hey, I've got this..." Recently, butterflies have been telling me the same thing. Rain often still gets to me in a beautiful way, but God has been using butterflies, too. For example, over the weekend I was nervous about a friend's spiritual life. I was putting my insurance information back into my glove compartment, half of my body in my car and half out, when I glanced out the windshield. Right as I looked up, a gorgeous blue butterfly flitted by. And God said, "Hey, I've got this..." 

I know it sounds a bit sacrilegious to an American Christian to rely on "signs and visions," although the Bible tells us that in the end days, people will prophesy and see visions and dreams (Acts 2:17). However, I know that God is a patient lover who is pursuing his bride, the church, both corporately and individually. And I know that one of the ways God pursues us is with things that have meaning to us, like the right song at the right time. Or a kind word right when we need it. Or a butterfly.

Believe me, God is here. And active. And he is working. We just have to listen.

From Flickr - US National Archives

P.S. I'm going to China in five weeks and two days! I will not be posting on this blog while I'm gone and I may or may not be available on Facebook. If you would like to receive e-mail updates from me (about one per week) while I'm out of the country for five weeks, please fill out the form below. Thanks!

Living in Today

God is not in the failure business. In fact, I believe there are no failures where God is concerned. Even a "failure" in our eyes is simply preparation or a redirection in God's.

There is one person, however, who is interested in bringing up our failures to our faces, and we give him way too much credit in our lives. Satan, unlike God, wants us to know how insignificant we are so we will become depressed, lose confidence, belittle ourselves, and stop fighting for God's side. God wants us to know how insignificant we are to this world so we can run to him for our significance and realize his significance and power.

I'm going to let you in on a secret. When I was little, I had horrible stress- and nerve-induced stomach-aches, especially when I was going to be doing something new or something I was unsure about. They made me so nauseous I couldn't eat, and I often had to breathe deeply and hold onto something to keep from getting sick. Tonight, after I picked my brother up from a concert, I started feeling that familiar nervousness I thought I had overcome more than a year ago. I was nervous about going back to college tomorrow. The whole stomach-ache and sweaty palms business. Why? Why was I suddenly upset about something I couldn't wait to do? I would have gone back to school in June if I could. Why this sudden nervousness?

And then it hit me. Strangely, filtering in to my thoughts like sunlight filters through half-closed blinds, a memory of a time I had failed last year came rushing back. It involved a musical instrument and a couple instances when I was to demonstrate, but couldn't. I won't go into the details, but 88 keys tend to be a problem when you've only got 10 fingers. Playing music is something I do for fun, like running, and I'm not too talented at it, especially when people are watching. Without warning, other "failures," like relationships gone awry, conversations that could have been handled better, and people I could have treated differently came flashing back to mind. To be honest, it was debilitating. I mean, I was still driving, keeping the speed limit and stopping at red lights, but I felt paralyzed.

Then I saw this huge lightning bolt crack ahead of me, slightly to the left. I saw it breaking through layers of cloud and tree limbs, a purplish color, bright and forceful. And only for a moment, because as soon as it came, it left. It faded off into the distance. I stared at the direction from which it had come and waited to see it again. This next time, it was even bigger and brighter. The flashes of lightening looked like strobe lights against the night sky. It kinda hit me that there's something bigger going on here. As much as I fear my mistakes and find it hard to tear myself away from my doubts and flaws and defeats, they are not the issue. I've got to separate myself from the errors I hold on to. What purpose do they serve? And do other people really care about something that happened six months when I was a terrified freshman? Do other people really poke fun of past mistakes of mine? Do they even remember?

Hillsong sings,

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

Christ has overcome our failures. Can we not now stand? Stand to overcome them, but also stand to move on? Do not let past mistakes dictate future actions. You are your own person. And you are new in Christ. His mercies are new every morning. So why do we find it so hard to forgive ourselves and accept this mercy? Jesus died for our sins, to forgive us for our wrongs. He also died to redeem us from wrongs done to us. In addition, he died so we could know freedom. Even here. The joys of eternal life don't wait until heaven to appear.

Are you letting fears that you'll fail restrict your freedom? It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Don't get tangled up in life before Christ again. You don't have to hold on to past mistakes like long lost treasures. Name them, learn from them, and move on. And live in today.

Communion and My Freshman Year

We take communion in honor and remembrance of Jesus. His life, his death, his resurrection, his presence beside God at this moment, his ultimate return to earth.

The last time (besides today) I had the chance to partake of the Lord's Supper was at a weekly Bible study / community of friends. We had been studying the movie "To Save a Life" and we were taking a break to spend some time learning about silence. The guy leading our study, a friend of mine, invited us to come forward when we were ready to take communion. He specifically said, "Do not come and take communion if you are not at peace with a fellow brother or sister or with God." Our worship leader played some songs on the guitar for a while, then stopped and let us soak in the silence. It was beautiful, but I was pained.

I left the room and sat outside. It was late February or early March, and still chilly, so I was freezing by the time I found a seat on the stairs outside. There weren't any words I could say to explain what I felt. But God listened. And the words from Romans about the Holy Spirit interceding for us with groans that cannot be expressed in words came rushing back to me.

A friend once told me that people become themselves when they enter college - intense versions of themselves. I believe that describes what's been going on with me. I feel like this whole last year, my first year of college, has been a very emotional time. I'm a nineteen year old girl - I am emotional. But it has almost felt like turmoil. So many things have happened, with guys, with friends, learning how to live away from my mom, figuring out how to manage my time, discovering that my relationship with God is my responsibility. I have been blessed with some incredible friends, specifically the girls on my hall, who have walked through these months with me every step of the way. I'm so grateful for them. They've helped me tremendously. But, why was everything that happened so emotional to me?

I'm emotional - obviously. But I'm also a thinker. On the Meyers-Briggs, I'm an INFJ. My I and J are very, very strong. I'm Introverted and Judging. Those two mostly go without saying. My N is not very strong. In fact, neither N nor S are expressed very readily in my personality. (Meaning, when it comes to iNtuitive and Sensing, I'm not dominate in any one category.) However, my F is just a little more strong than T, which means that I'm strong in both Feeling and Thinking.

All of that mumbo-jumbo to say, when something happens, I've realized I feel it first, then I think to get through it. The problem is that my feeling and thinking are so closely intertwined that I end up feeling what I'm thinking and thinking what I'm feeling... or something like that. Basically, when something is sketch, I question and ponder it mercilessly. It makes for a very emotional thought-life and a very tired brain and heart. I can't let go of something once I'm thinking about it and feeling it. It's like anxiety in my mind.

In explanation, that's what was happening that night in March. I couldn't let go of a struggle that I was facing in a relationship with a friend. I now consider this person a good friend and I'm very proud of where they are going in life, but it took dealing with that issue (and not taking communion until I had dealt with it) to move on. In fact, today, about an hour or two after taking communion at my grandma's church, I heard from this friend that God had answered a prayer - something a group of us had been praying about for a couple months now. And I was so excited. I felt like a sister, telling my friend congratulations for how God had provided.

I'm still struggling through some things. (As soon as you conquer one issue in life, another one lands on the table and you've got to deal with it.) But, and this is something I often miss, I try to deal with it alone. To be honest, God is not the first person I go to when I'm facing something difficult or even something joyous. Why? Well, first I feel it. Then I think about it and run through each scenario. And by that time, someone's asked me how I'm doing and I spill the beans on them. God is usually last on the list. I hate admitting that. I feel like I've failed. I feel like the God of the universe, my creator, my Savior, my lover and friend, who longs to hear me, who never tires of hearing my voice, should be the first person I cry out to in good or in bad. Don't I trust that God will provide? That God will tell me what to do (or better yet, what he is doing)? That he will use the Holy Spirit in my life to speak to me? To show me the path I should take? Don't I believe? Don't I realize that it's when walking along my own path that I fall? Proverbs says, "Do not lean on your own understanding." I'm ashamed, because I've been leaning on my own understanding and following what I think to be right all this time...

It's storming outside again. Thunder and lightning. Not as bad as the hail that attacked us two days ago, but still it's a storm. It's God... God, my powerful, Almighty King, the Lord of all, the Creator and sustainer of the universe, the lover that is jealously coveting my attention and affection ("Have you forgotten your first love?"). It's God. God, displaying his healing forgiveness, his pardon for my sins, his blood washing away my grievances against him, shown through the rain. It's God, my Savior, my protector, my Father, providing me with grace that he will never flood the earth again, seen in the rainbow after the storm. God is powerful, God deserves everything I am and everything I have, but God is also always full of forgiveness. He is angry, righteous anger, but his forgiveness and unfailing love just seem to bubble over, covering me. I cannot breathe when he pours out his love. He longs for me to be closer, to feel him, to lay back against him and feel his heartbeat. I'm terrified. (To get that close to the God who fashioned everything, both seen and unseen?) But, yet, God also created my heart. My feeling, thinking, fragile, but beautiful heart. He made it, with care. Doesn't he deserve it? All of it?

When God speaks to me, my heart hurts, my heartbeat starts pounding in my ears, and my vision clouds. Just as long as it takes him to speak to me. Today, in church, God said, "There's something bigger going on here than you." It made sense immediately. The here was the church building, but it was also the circumstance I was, of course, mercilessly pondering. It was my life. It was my narrow-minded opinion of the world. God has something bigger in mind. We can rarely see the big picture. (In fact, some time ago, I asked God to show me what he was doing. Bad idea, since I was afraid of what I saw. I decided it would better to leave those things to God.) Because, see, God is working out the details and the big picture. At the same time. And he has it under control.

What is God teaching me through this? A lot, since it's so wonderful to get it out onto paper and stop mulling it over. He's been, since Easter, showing me that he is faithful. That he doesn't leave and he doesn't change. That seriously gets me every time. He's also showing me and teaching me that peace is possible. I do not have to turn situations and circumstances and confusing encounters and relationships and ideas and feelings over and over in my mind. I can find a peace to fill my heart. I can find a peace to fill my mind.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

John 14:27

We take communion to remember Jesus. Let's actually remember him today. Jesus died so we could live victorious. Yes, we will face trials here on earth. But Jesus rose and defeated death. And one day, we will defeat death as well, living in heaven. Live life victorious today, not in fear or emotional turmoil. Come to him with everything you face and he will guard you with peace.

Doing It Alone (Part Two)

Yesterday, after finishing up a very long post about how I was never meant to go at life alone, I got a crazy idea to make breakfast for dinner for my little brother and me. I fried bacon (which could have been a little more crispy), made cheese grits, toast, and cereal. I was starting to get a little prideful, when all of a sudden a crack of thunder shook the house and knocked the power out. The rain outside the kitchen window was blinding. And I was home alone with a thirteen year old boy who was afraid of the dark.

Thanks, God.

Again, reminding me that I can't do it alone, my older stepbrother and his friend came home from the Fire department (where my stepbrother is a regular volunteer). Together, we found candles and lit them. My stepbrother got the oil lantern from our parents' room, lit it, and proceeded to give me instructions on how to use it (which was definitely humorous, considering he didn't know how to use it either). He made sure the kitchen, living room, and bathroom were adequately lit and asked if we needed anything. It was all very nonchalant and simple, but I appreciated it. They even taught my little brother some wrestling moves, just for fun. (I was just afraid they were going to knock down a candle and set the house on fire.) They stayed for a while before leaving again.

I can't do it alone. I would be lying if I said my stepbrother coming home to check on us and the house didn't make me feel any safer. And I felt even better when my mom came home about twenty-minutes later. It's weird to say, but I wasn't completely satisfied until my stepdad came home just a few minutes later. The funny thing is, right after he got home and found a flashlight, the power came back on.

There's something to be said for trusting other people. I've been rereading the Eldridge's book Captivating recently and it hits me hard every time I pick it up. This morning, I read about the two ways women try to deal with their wounds: becoming either dominating or desolate. The dominating woman hides behind everything she has to do. She becomes busy. She seems successful - she could be a CEO or chairman of the PTA or president of Key Club (sound familiar?). But inside, she's hurting. She's hiding. The desolate woman throws herself at men. She doesn't have a handle on who she is and often falls into abusive situations. She doesn't go for it; she doesn't go for anything. Inside, she's hurting, too. This is what women are told: "Hide your vulnerability. Hide your heart. You aren't safe."

We women are told that we aren't enough, and that we're too much, at the same time. And because of that, we tend to fall into two categories. Dominating or desolate. I see a little of myself in both. I get and stay busy. Last semester, I was stressed on multiple occasions (okay, pretty much every week). And that's the way I lived: one week at a time. Where was my time for rest? Where was my time to have fun with friends? To stay late and pray with someone? To open my heart to what God wanted to say? No, I had to be busy. I had to move from one thing to the next. I couldn't open my heart. I didn't have time.

Why?

For many reasons. One of which is that I think I can't trust people. It's easy to stay busy. To glance at a watch when things get too emotional or vulnerable and say, "I hate it, but I have to run." It's hard to trust. It's easy to run on a time schedule.

Being a woman is not being weak. It's being vulnerable. It's being humble. It's being gracefully strong. It's being gentle. It's being true. It's being adventurous. Somewhere along the line, I missed this. I decided to be busy. There's nothing alluring and inviting in a constantly busy and lonely woman. I use the word lonely because when you're constantly running, you're not relaxing in the company of friends.

Proverbs 11:16 says, "A woman of gentle grace gets respect..."

And I urge you to live in that place of gentle grace. It's beautiful. I'm learning to be real with people. It's taken 8 or 9 months to see that the people who really love me won't leave when I'm real with them. To confide in a friend pain I'm feeling, pain that is honest and raw and deep and messy, and for them to stay beside me and walk with me through it... That's the blessing that comes from being real with people. I'm learning how to do that. How to trust people. It's so hard! But it's so worth it. We were not meant to do this alone. We think we can. We think that since we were messed up and broken and lied to when we were little, people cannot be trusted anymore. So we put up walls. And one of my walls is busyness.

Sisters and brothers, I urge you. Go to God first. When your heart aches, go to Him before anything and anyone else. Give Him your ache. Let Him take it. Lay it at his feet and let Him pick you up and hold you in His arms.

And when He's held for you for longer than you think you need to be held, watch for the people He's placing in your life who will walk with you step-by-step through the healing. Yeah, healing takes time. Usually it's messier than anything you've seen before. But don't forget this one thing...

You were never meant to do this alone.