Already Forgiven

My college's prayer team has spent days and weeks participating in 24/7 prayer for a number of years, and next week is our big Spring 2013 week of nonstop prayer. 24/7 Prayer is an "international, interdenominational Christian movement praying and working for reconciliation" spiritually, socially, and environmentally.

A couple years ago, while I was spending an hour in our prayer room on campus with a group of people for a 24/7 prayer week, I got the strong sense that God was speaking to me. This was before the really powerful sense of God's voice I felt when my vision clouded over and my heart beat faster, like when I was called to Asia, even though I haven't had that same experience in a while. Anyway, I felt as if God was saying, "I've already forgiven you." At the time, I had not been to counseling or expressed my need for confession or accountability yet. I didn't understand. It was almost like I could not quite process what God was saying to me, like I wasn't ready for it.

I'm not sure if I felt like I was being "super-righteous" or what, but I opened my eyes and looked for someone to whom I could tell what God had told me. I figured that since I didn't quite understand what he meant in reference to my own life, he must have meant it for someone else. I stood up and walked across the room to a girl I barely knew, who I'll call T, and I told her, "God has already forgiven you." She smiled at me, I smiled back, and I returned to my seat.

The funny thing is, she no longer attends my college, but I recently became acquainted with her blog. She is working with the International House of Prayer in the area where I used to live, and I am reading such encouraging and spiritually-motivating thoughts on her blog. A tiny part of me is like: Who am I to think I'm all high and mighty for God Himself to give me a message for this girl who is obviously closer to Him than I am?

I chastised myself for that thought, because why would I think that? Maybe she really did need to hear what God had told me. On the other hand, for several weeks after that night, I have questioned why I so distinctly felt God telling me "I've already forgiven you" if there was no point to it. Eventually, I gave up my concern for the circumstance and let it pass. Now, years later, it struck me tonight that perhaps that word from God was for me.

I have been out of counseling for over three months now, and I do not have all my problems solved. However, I am at a much healthier place in my life. I have learned positive coping mechanisms and successful thought processes. I have seen God in an entirely new light. And now even when the emotional roller coaster of that changing process is pretty much over, and it's tempting to get down on myself again, God continues to reveal little things to me. Like this thought tonight that maybe that word was for me: to prepare me for dealing with my crap and to prepare me for the time of learning after dealing with it.

His Words to me are:

I have already forgiven you. And I will keep forgiving you.

This is about more than the "sin that so easily entangles" that we all deal with everyday. This is about the deep tragedies of life from when we were younger, the sins we committed and the sins committed against us. This is about the sense of failing that grinds into our shoulders and backs and hearts and keeps us from standing up straight or letting our real faces show to the world.

Our God is not a God of anger. He is a God who speaks.

I have been praying for God to speak to me again, and I have been asking for more of Him since very early this month. I'm sad to say I have not been asking him consistently for these big things, but mostly I have been asking him for little things, like to "please let this computer open my document now so I won't be late to class." I know, those are ridiculous things. People write sermons on how we shouldn't treat God like a vending machine when they hear prayers like that.

Fortunately, those "little" prayers are teaching me something, too. A relationship with God is built not only on big things, but also on little things. Similarly, my relationship with my roommate L is built on "big" things, like finding time to Skype over Christmas or summer break or buying each other nice things for our birthdays. But it is also built on little things, like when I save her the chocolate piece at the end of a nutty ice cream cone. She loves the little chocolate piece. It's something small and meaningful, as crazy as that sounds.

A relationship with God should not be lived on Sunday mornings and during revival weeks. It should be lived in the day to day, and my seemingly petty prayers only serve to remind me to keep a conversation with God at the forefront. They remind me to ask God what he would have me do instead of constantly asking him to do things for me. He is so good and so patient and so graceful with an already-but-not-yet-resurrected-fallen-woman like me.

Oh, and by the way, the document opened before I had even finished my prayer. Even in the little things, God reminds me that he will always pursue me. He will always speak to me. He will always forgive me.

We are already forgiven.

The Rescue

I knew there was a problem when it was 1 am and I was still on my computer, following some drama play out on Facebook. The thing about relationships is that they are messy, and if I didn't know better, I'd stay as far away from all relationships as possible. Thankfully, the blessings of good relationships supersede the troubles of even the worst, and we can rejoice in those.

I sit here reminded of friends of mine who are fearful and broken tonight. Near the end of the semester, a good friend and next-door neighbor dealt with problems in her family. Her uncle had contracted a severe illness and is still in the hospital, though regaining his abilities to speak and move. Then between Thanksgiving and Christmas break, her grandmother (her dad and uncle's mom) passed away. She was struggling with the hurt. I got a text from another friend yesterday that her great-grandmother, who has been in hospice, took a turn for the worse. Then today I got a Facebook message from a third friend whose grandfather is at risk for his second heart attack in a week and it doesn't look good.

While praying for and thinking about these friends who are hurting tonight over the fear of the unknown, a song came on my iTunes shuffle that seemed to fill the room. I've written earlier about music: how songs bring back memories and how sometimes those memories get altered or replaced. This case is similar. "The Rescue" is about a guy who is offering comfort and rescue to a girl who has been hurt, but it carries a symbolic meaning of God rescuing his beloved, even ending with the lyrics to "Amazing Grace."

It took a minute to break through, but I realized that God was changing my perception of this song. For so long, it has only served to remind me of a relationship that went south. Yet when I realize that God can redeem not only my heart, but also this song, I see his rescue available for my friends. He can take these notes and these lyrics and give them a new meaning. It is not really replacing what they used to remind me of, but rather, providing a new layer of meaning.

It is in that sense of rescue, beautiful rescue, when I realize this is a community thing. "Community" is that sense of partnership and in-it-together-ness that encircles us when we feel loved and supported and held by fellow believers around us. Community is what Hebrews 12:1 is referencing (and what Hebrews 11 is proving). Community is the body of Christ coming alongside each other, to do what Romans 12:15 is commanding.  Community is the reason and the opportunity for accountability. Community is what happens (for me, at least), during impromptu hand-holding prayer and within acoustic worship sessions and when friends stop to ask how you're doing and really listen.

And I've always thought of rescue as a singular deal. One person getting rescued by God. Alone. I guess that stems from my similar belief that salvation should also be an alone deal. It's the reason I hate altar calls. Why would I want to go up to the front, not only where can people see me, but also where some person I don't know is waiting to lay hands on me and ask God for something generic for me?

Maybe there is a sense of community in rescue. After a year of counseling, I firmly believe that Christian counseling should be an extension of the body of Christ, i.e. community. It's two Christians coming together to discuss and navigate pain. If counseling is not a form of rescue, I don't know what is!

Not only is counseling a form of rescue, but I also believe intercession prayer is as well. I've never been good at intercession. I mean, I know it doesn't really count as a talent or a hobby, but I have never really learned how to do it right or even disciplined myself enough to get a good amount of practice in it. I typically say the generic things ("I ask that You be with my friends") and not much more. However, today, I sent a prayer over text to my friend whose grandfather is in the hospital. That was unique in itself. But something else was different for me: I prayed a character quality of God and a Bible verse. Suddenly, the focus of that conversation with God was not on me or on my friend or even on his troubles, but it was on God. And that felt so freeing. In that moment, it didn't matter how the prayer affected my friend or his family, it mattered that God was praised and uplifted and acknowledged as omnipotent and omniscient King. Then once God was praised and I rejoiced in that, I got a reply from my friend and was able to rejoice in that as well. Rescue became a joint act. I got to play a small part in God's work in my friend's life.

Christian college kids everywhere can identify, but it is typically over breaks when I feel the least supported. Everyone is at home, doing their own things, and I live more than 45 minutes from any friends. Community is hard to come by and Satan is easy to listen to.

But the wonderful God we serve caught my attention earlier this break with significant themes in the devotional I've been using. Two days in a row, I saw themes of blindness and deafness, with Jesus providing healing and asking the people to watch him and listen to him. I thought about it for a while and could not figure out why it stuck out to me. The thing is, God provides community even when we're all home on breaks. Friends who call, text, and e-mail, (and who respond to mine) are such encouragements during this time. In addition, being able to be with my family (who have finally started attending a good church regularly!) provides community as well. He is speaking; are we listening? Have we opened our eyes to God and shut them to Satan?

God is in the redeeming and rescuing business, and many times He uses his children to minister to others of his children. Keep your eyes and ears open. After going through a difficult time, he may just use you to provide comfort and offer rescue to your brother or sister.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

What I'm Listening To:

"The Rescue" - Tyler Ward

"Hallelujah" - Tenth Avenue North

"I Will Wait" - Mumford and Sons

"Like An Avalanche" - Hillsong

Confession: I Don't Do Well With Change

Maybe I'm just going crazy. I certainly feel like it.

The last two weeks have led me to a conclusion: I don't do well with change. Sure, I can handle going halfway around the world with 100+ people I've never met before and getting thrown into a culture and language I definitely did not study enough and facing responsibilities like riding the public bus by myself and imparting not only the English language but also the love of the Father to more than 20 Asian teenagers. Oh, sure. Difficult, but I survived and loved it.

What I can't handle is coming back for my third year in this city and at this college. Granted, I love this so much. I love where I'm living, I love living here in this area of this state, I love who I'm living with. I love my classes, professors, and (even sometimes) the homework.

But this is so stinkin' hard. My confession is that I'm having a much difficult time than I anticipated. I'm definitely feeling disoriented and confused.

For one, I almost got lost in the dorm where I spent two years of my life. I went to visit, and the whole thing was crazy weird. The halls and rooms are the same, but the decorations, names on the doors, and faces are different. I forgot that one staircase goes to all three floors and the basement, while the other only goes to the upper floors. I also entered that dorm's code into the electronic lock on my new terrace-dorm's door. Twice.

Two, I walked into the library more than thirty minutes ago. I literally know less than 40% of the people in the library who have been here since I've been here. So many faces are unfamiliar and voices unknown. I kinda don't know what to do anymore.

Three, I'm still unsure as to what extracurricular activities I'm supposed to be involved in. I mean, my relationship with my church has been weird because our college Sunday school has not yet started up again and I'm not going on Wednesday night anymore. I love all of them, and I miss them.
From first semester freshman year to almost a year ago, I was involved in a group that met for fellowship and Bible study each week. When my time with that ministry drew to a close almost a year ago, I suddenly found myself feeling very empty with how I was supposed to structure my time. I had been so busy for so long that I forgot what to do with myself. I spent October to December in that weird middle state until I began teaching ESL in a neighboring town with a group from my college in January.
Well, I have rejoined that ESL group only to find that there are all new teachers (except me) and I have been paired with a guy (who's engaged) to teach a class of three adult students. The thing is, change is a little unsettling to me. Especially because none of these people taught last semester. Especially because our class sizes are really small this semester. Especially because I don't know this guy very well and I'm worried about co-teaching with him because he's doing this for credit, while I'm just volunteering. So, I'm just a bit unsure of everything.
I feel like I should be stepping up to the roles to which God has called me. Roles like ESL teaching, discipling a friend who asked for help on a class requirement for discipleship, co-leading a small group of freshmen/transfer girls, etc., but I'm having a hard time doing so.

Four, the fact of singleness has hit me hard. I think it does every August, because returning back to school and seeing all the couples get together makes me feel lonely. Maybe moreso this year, I'm seeing couples actually getting married. Couples I know. None of my super-close friends, but people I know. And that's crazy scary. It feels like people are just growing up and moving on without me.  I know God is still doing great and wonderful things in me and through me before I have a guy in my life. But I'm waiting to know what more of those are. I'm learning that it's okay to step outside of my comfort zone a bit and it's okay to get to know people better and it's okay to choose not to hide from guys. Yet, I'm in that awkward stage of not liking anyone. And, again, I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.
Also, autumn/fall, as a season, has definitely been difficult for me for the last two or three years, so there are a lot of cold-weather "backseat driver" moments. And that's been hard as well.

In fact, as I was preparing for this post, I read a previous post of mine from October 2011 in which I wrote about God asking me to be tree. On that day, God showed me that he has great things for me, but he might just "shake my leaves" and ask me to "dig my roots deep" into him in preparation for those things. I wrote that God was telling me:

Look, I am bringing about new buds. Little bursts of growth and blessing. Alex, let me love you, and I will shower lush leaves upon you. I will bring about new growth and new experiences... I long for you to trust me, to hope in me, to have faith that what I am bringing about is best, even you don't understand, even when you're hurt. Let me love you. Let me demonstrate my faithfulness. I am the Lord your God.

You know what? Eleven months later, He is still telling me that. He's still asking me to come in close to him and fall in love with him and trust him and rely on him.

I think right now He's asking me to talk with him. Because how can we claim to love a God with whom we never talk?

What I'm Listening To:

 "Erosion" and "Learning to Breathe" - Switchfoot

"Skeleton Bones" and "Dress Us Up" - John Mark McMillan

Jesus Wants More Than 8 Minutes

One week sometime earlier this semester, I finished up my devotional time every morning at 8:08am. It’s weird that it was at the same time every day, but I have to tell you that I sat down to devotional time every morning between 7:57 and 8 o’clock. Believe me, Jesus wants more than 8 minutes. And I returned to God after glancing at the clock and said, “Hey, I want to dive deeper into You and You deserve more than what I’m giving you right now.” It was a little depressing to realize that I devoted to God a page of My Utmost for His Highest and a few verses from Psalms or Deuteronomy or whatever book I flipped through. I thought I had progressed to a deeper relationship with God and here I was crossing “God time” off my to-do list like a control freak. It hurt me and the people around me and I could tell.

I spent an hour in communion with God today as part of my college’s 24/7 prayer week. Every day this week, around the clock, at least one person is in our prayer (army) tent. During the evenings, a group comes to lead worship and group prayer. It struck me during my hour slot that I was not spending the time with God that I should. It made me sad. I mean, here’s God, the creator of the universe, who loves me enough to send his only son to die for me, and I can’t even spend an hour talking with him?

I heard somewhere that married couples are not spending enough time with each other. To have a healthy relationship, couples should spend an hour a day, a morning/evening a week, a day a month, and a weekend a year together in close, personal communication, alone together.

Then I realized that if I claim to have a personal and intimate relationship with my Savior, yet I am not spending time with him, what do I have? Since a husband and wife is a great metaphor to Christ and the church, we must realize that a marriage without close communication and unity (emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically) is hurting. Likewise with our relationship with Christ.

So my question is this: Have you spent time with God today? Have you heard his words to you? Have you bathed in his presence? Have you given him your heart? Have you placed your burdens at his feet?

A friend once told that God never gets tired of hearing my voice. What a beautiful thing to hear. God never tires of listening to you. He may chuckle or roll his eyes or shake his head, but he is listening to every word you say and every thought you think and every silent prayer you whisper.

So what if we spent an hour with God everyday? An hour in personal time devoted to him. That doesn't mean an hour of Bible reading, although that could certainly be it. Maybe it's an hour walk with no distractions or an hour in worship music. Take the time and give it to God.

Be Careful What You Pray For

The weather's changing, which always makes me start feeling a little more. Sometimes it's feeling empty and alone, sometimes refreshed and in love with God.

College is awesome as always, although I'm constantly comparing each semester. Last year, especially last semester, I was so busy and stressed that I really had to trust God. I depended on God for so much - every minute I needed to study, every quarter I needed for laundry, every hour I needed for work, every friendship I needed for community. It was intense, because sometimes I wasn't sure of hardly anything.

In addition, the majority of the stress was my own fault. No one needs three leadership positions, a student ministry, 15 hours of work, and 5 classes. Looking back, I see now how a lot of that was an attempt to stifle what I was actually trying to work towards. I've written it about before, but one of the ways that women try to cope with emotional wounds is by becoming driven, dominating, and busy. She hides behind everything she has to do. While I was saying I was striving for dedicated, deep friendships and an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, I was painfully running away from those by having too much to do all the time.

Which brings me to my next point. When I was as busy as I was last semester, I rarely stayed very late after my Thursday night ministry (a small group for my fellow college kids). I just didn't have the time, and I was exhausted from all the late nights I had already pulled that week.

But this past week, as this ministry resumed this semester, the leadership team bathed each other and the night in prayer shortly before we started. The four of us went around in a circle praying for God to reveal himself, for great things to happen, for people to come to a deeper relationship with God. It was great. When it was my turn, I prayed this amazingly dangerous prayer... I asked God to "wreck our schedules."

If you don't know me very well, I am a schedule freak. Literally, I have my calendar on my phone. I have my weekly schedule (a color-coordinated Excel Document) taped to the side of my desk. I have a sticky note on my desk that I replace every week with that week's homework assignments. I started wearing a watch last summer, and checking it has been both a life-saver and an annoying habit. So, for me to pray for God to "wreck our schedules" was a really big deal.

In fact, God answered that prayer. Our worship leaders ended up substituting a couple songs on the set list, cutting out a song I love. There was a shift in our notes, and my co-leader and I ended up jumping ahead, then having to come back around to the points we missed. For closing worship, one of our worship leaders lead us outside to sit and lay in the grass as we worshiped. God answered that prayer! Tangibly!

...And I was so angry.

I honestly do not know why. I've been asking for God to do something. I've been asking for answers to prayer and trying to look for them. So when God did something that I could actually see, I don't know why, but I became upset. Angry. Disoriented. I couldn't name the feeling.

After our ministry was over and everyone left, I sat on the edge of the stage beside my co-leader and two other friends, surrounded by their compassion, as they held my hands or touched my shoulders. And I prayed. Real, honest prayer. Half the time, I forgot they were there. I prayed that I would learn to trust. I prayed for each aspect of life that I wasn't trusting God with: church, homework, friendships, singleness, etc. I asked for forgiveness for being upset with what God was doing. We sang a couple songs together. Later that night, recounting the story to my current and former roommates, I cried.

God, I'm so messed up. Why do you love me?

Because I choose to.

The title of this post is kind of a joke, because we should be praying with abandon, praising and confessing to God, not simply repeating a laundry list of requests. So chill out. Stop running. During first semester, God kept telling me, "Alex, stop and let me love you." When we have some time to stop and breathe Him in, we'll actually hear what God is saying. And what a beautiful time to listen to Him than early autumn.

Fasting

I've been thinking a lot about fasting (or abstaining from something for a period of time) recently. Not only are we in the 3rd week of Lent (or 4th, depending on your church), but today is the first day of the April session of the Global Bridegroom Fast, which occurs on the first Monday-Wednesday of each month. I have several friends who are giving up various things in order to observe (and celebrate!) these times of fasting, such as junk food, shoes, Facebook, even talking! There is someone in our prayer room on campus for 36 hours straight, for the Global Bridegroom Fast.

I had the 6pm shift in the prayer room today, and I will meeting up with friends for the 10pm shift tomorrow and the 11pm shift on Wednesday. This morning in chapel, our campus pastor spoke about fasting and how Christians fast to dedicate time to God and to seek his face and his will more clearly. It's been a great day just learning about fasting and the freedom we have to give something to God.

And I suppose here is the point where I should comment on my personal interaction with fasting. I once wanted to participate in the 30-hour famine sponsored by World Vision, but I was cautioned against it, because I was a growing teenage girl. However, I did decide to give up other things as time went on. The week before Prom my senior year, I gave up Facebook for seven days. It was awesome. Since January 1st, 2011, other than the week of Spring Break, I have only had Coke and sweet Tea on the weekends. I turned off my Facebook chat the week before Lent. During Lent, I have chosen not to get on Facebook on Sundays. I've made small steps that have made a difference in who I am and how I spend my time.

I did not specifically give up anything for Lent this year, because I didn't feel God telling me to do so. That's the number one step of fasting: don't do it unless God tells you to do it. During chapel this morning, after being challenged to give up something and use that time to reconnect with God, our campus pastor gave us a brief moment to pray about it and ask God what he wanted us to do. During this time, friends of mine decided to fast from all food for three days and another friend received renewed dedication and peace about her original Lenten sacrifice, among other things. I, on the other hand, didn't feel or receive anything then, but it began to hit me later.

I love Lipton Green Tea. I realized it when I was almost late to class this morning because I had to put more bottles of green tea in my fridge so they would be cold when I wanted them. Because I'm not drinking coke and sweet tea, I drink water in the cafeteria and green tea in the dorm. So, how much green tea am I actually drinking on a daily basis?

I decided to give up green tea for the three days of the Global Bridegroom Fast. I will only be drinking water and milk during this time (and the 4 tablespoons of Cuban coffee my roommate gave me tonight). It's only Monday and I'm missing my green tea. But I know this will teach me something. I know that God placed this seemingly insignificant thing on my heart for a purpose. And I also know that God's going to start me with the little things, like Green Tea, before I can graduate to giving even more of me to God on a daily basis.

My challenge here is for you to consider what typically stands in between you and God. Or what do you spend a large portion of your time doing? Ask God what he wants to give up for a day, three days, a week, a month, six months, or longer. And do it. Do it if you have a specific prayer need you desire to bring before God. Do it if you want to focus more on an intimate fellowship with God.

Overwhelmed Only By His Love

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Your Love

God, thank you for wooing me. Like a patient lover enamored by my beauty, You adore me. You pursue me.

God, I am chief of sinners. I am desperately entangled in sin, surrounded by my enemies, encompassed by the lies of this world, the lies of my sinful desires. I am wrong, so bitterly wrong. I feel distant from you. Surrounded by the dark clouds of my mistakes, and You seem so far away, so dim through the haze.

But You reach out Your hand. Into the darkness of my sin, my pain, my apathy, You reach Your great hand to rescue me. You pull me from the mud and mire and give me a firm, steady, secure, safe place to stand.

I don't want to take Your hand. Everything in me yearns for it, but I'm bitter. I'm depressed, feeling dejected, feeling hurt, feeling ugly and worthless. I feel like I messed up everything.

But You show me the path to redemption. Lighted only by Your voice and marked out only by Your eyes. You show me Your heart.

Still, I'm afraid. It's a scary thing to grasp Your hand and let You pull me up.

You woo me. You speak through the loosened tongues of those who know me. I hear Your voice from the lips of those who have become available for your work. Through these people, willing to be used by You without knowing the outcome, you tell me:

You will always be in love with me

Suffering is inevitable and necessary to be like Christ, but You will never leave me

I am Your masterpiece

You Love me just the way I am

You stretch out Your hand, but because of my shame, I am wary of reaching for it. I know when You begin to rescue me, all my misdeeds, all my sins against Your Holy name will be revealed in the light of Your glory. And I'm ashamed.

But Your Love is greater than any sin of mine. I try to cower, but You simply smile and nod behind You. And there, standing behind you, is a man, yet somehow more than a man. His hands are pierced and bloody, his side is punctured. A crown of thorns is pressed into his head. He is dirty, ragged, and exhausted. But at the same time, He shines with radiance. You smile and tell me he shines because he defeated sin and death. My sin and death. I'm confused.

Knowingly, You remind me of Christ's death and resurrection. But seeing my sin upon his shoulders, tormenting him and weighing him down on that cross, it becomes real. That man, that person of Your trinity, took my sin, my mistakes, my misdeeds, my doubt, my frustrations, my self-righteousness, my impurity, my greed, my selfishness, my apathy, my hate, all my sin, upon himself and was brutally, horrifically, tortured and murdered. For me. Everything I should have faced, everything I should have felt, all the punishment I should have endured because of my sin against my neighbor, against my friend, against my enemy, against You, he suffered. He took the blame, the punishment.

Suddenly, my hazy pit looks like a pity-party for myself. This man, this son of Yours, this only son, died a horrible death for me, for punishment for my sin. He was depressed, dejected, and hurt. For me. Somehow I can never get that through my head. Maybe it's so hard to get my mind around it, so hard to get my mind around Your Love.

Your Love. So I grasp Your hand, the hand You so willingly offer, and You pull me out of my mud and mire. And You give me a rock to stand on. In Your light, I see my nakedness, my shame, my sin, myself for who I really am.

But that's not the way You see me. Because in Your eyes, I am really clothed, unashamed, and perfect. Perfect because I am Yours.There is now no condemnation for those who belong to Your son, You tell me. I am beautiful and matchless to You.

You have a beautiful plan for my life, You tell me. You have a God-sized plan for everyone as a whole, to bring about world-sized restoration. You're bringing Your people back to You again. And You want me to be a part of this. You want me, having been drawn to You, to be Your witness wherever I go, wherever You send me, to the people I meet. And when they see me, they will see You.

You tenderly invite me to an existence of joy. A life not contained by this world, but one which expands beyond the limits of time to live in You. You compassionately invite me to join You, to seek Your face, to know You, to live within You, and thus, to meet other people where they are and be a vessel You can use for Your purposes. Your whole purpose is in restoring Your people to You and You are passionate about this goal. And I willingly accept Your invitation to go out into the world, to my neighbor beside me and my neighbor across the world from me, and be Your witness and reach the ones You love who are lost without You.

You are in love with me. And You adore me.

I constantly spit in Your face, ridicule You, and reject You for something I think might possibly be more important than You, and when I realize what I have done, I am ashamed and my remorse fills me deeply. But You are so in love with me, You just want to be with me. You just want to see my face, hear my voice say Your name. I do not deserve You. I do not deserve Your attention. I messed up! When You Love me, I bring back to memory all the times I rejected You, all the times I cursed You and pretended I didn't know You, all the moments I ignored You...

And You stand there with a smile on Your face, telling me You have no idea what I'm talking about, telling me You Love me. You Love me. Your Love is amazing. And having experienced it, I am falling on my knees. Worship. Surrender. Love.

This was not the story of my conversion to Christ, although it certainty could have been. I turn my back on God on a daily and momentarily basis more times than I'd care to admit, and, as such, this is just the story of a simple day. A little over twenty-four hours of God's wooing. He is incredible. And just as he loves me, he loves you. With the same kind of love and the same deep intensity. His love knows no bounds. And it's here waiting to envelope you.

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

"Your Love" - Brandon Heath

My Disappointments

To me, true beauty is being able to take something that looks like a mess and turn it into something good. And God does that well!

I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life that I don't have time to worry about it. It's so amazing that God can use my disappointments to strengthen and prepare me, encourage others, and glorify Him. :)

I had been praying for God to provide guidance and direction and peace in a certain aspect of my life, but it wasn't until I made the conscious effort to give this thing to God that I really saw him working and heard him speak. And when I gave him full control of this issue, he did something wonderful - He took it away from me. I know what you're thinking: What?! How could God take that away from her? For a while, I was really disappointed. This was something I wanted, and had wanted for a while, and God removed it from my life. But I had given it to God. I realized that I couldn't just take it back from God now. It belonged to him. It had already belonged to him, I was just giving him control. I was relinquishing my futile grasp on what already belonged to him. I was saying that I would no longer try to manipulate circumstances or people that I honestly couldn't control.

God taking this from me was probably the best thing he could have done, obviously. I mean, I had prayed for God to show me that I could trust his plan and purpose and for an understanding of his guidance and future and desire to give me what is best for me. I've realized that when God wants to teach me something, he doesn't just show me, he puts me in a circumstance where I will have to learn it. So, to teach me that he always does what is best for me, he took this thing I thought I needed out of my grasp. To teach me that he is reliable and dependable and trustworthy, he placed me in a situation where the people I thought I could depend on let me down, and the people I didn't really want to trust were the ones who stuck by me throughout the situation. See, God knows me better than I know myself, and he knows what I need and what I want, what I long for and what he desires for me. And God allows trials and difficult circumstances in my life to strengthen, prepare, encourage, and grow me. He has a reason for allowing the hurt that comes from both my mistakes and outside influences.

So, yeah, it hurts that at the end of the day, this issue doesn't pop up. It hurts that things have changed. But, at the same time, it's a blessing that I no longer have to control this. It's a blessing that God is in control of my life. It's a blessing that I don't have to worry about what's going on anymore. Because Christ died for me - and all I can do is give myself to him as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:2). God can do infinitely more than we might ask or imagine if we are willing to give him our first and our full (Ephesians 3:20).

I realized that I would make a mess of my life if I held on to it. I realized that I would ruin everything if I jumped ahead before God called me. But waiting for God to lead me only means that he has something SO much better for me and that if I wait on him, he will bring it into my life at the perfect time.

Why not trust God with your life and your joys and your disappointments? He knows what's going to happen! He has a great and wonderful plan, and when you trust him, he can do wonderful things in you and through you for others.

Temple Tuesday

God, your love is amazing,

Your grace is outstanding,

My soul cannot comprehend.

God, your love brings me to my knees,

Your grace brings me to let go,

Your peace brings me to smile.

God, the gift of your son draws me to tears,

But the fact you redeem me breaks forth my joy.

God, your forgiveness prompts me to forgive others,

And your love prods me to love others.

And the way you welcome me, chief of sinners, into your arms,

Makes me desire to welcome even the worst into your kingdom.

My Prayer Today

God,

I've made a mess of me. Like Switchfoot sings, I am my own affliction. Why do I mess up so much?

God, give me a desire to know you more, to yearn for you. Give me a desire to search for you, to seek you, to desire you above all else.

Nothing else fulfills me and rescues me like you.

Lord, I am your creation, pursued by you. Your child. Your friend. Your beloved. Throughout my busy, hectic, overwhelming life, I pray that you, loving you and your children, would be the focus of my life.

Christ be the center of our lives. Be the place we fix our eyes. Be the center of our lives.

Temple Tuesday

God is never too busy to hear from us or too tired to listen to us. He never has something better to do. He is our friend, comforter, and provider.

Bring God your praise and your disappointments, your joys and your heartbreaks, your smooth-sailing moments and your frustrating times. He is listening.

Here me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me!
My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me."
And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."

Psalm 27:7-8

How God Changed My Mind

Earlier today I had every intention of finding a moment where I could speak to God one on one and tell him everything that was going on and how I felt about it. I was going to tell him about the person who had hurt my feelings, the "intense" stress I was going through, the immaturity I had encountered at one point, as well as my personal triumphs and the reasons I was better than someone else. It was going to be my rave and rant session with God.

But God had different plans. Very slowly, as I was finishing up my evening, God spoke to me. Instead of my ostentatious spiel about me, God revealed my need for selflessness. Here I was, focusing on everything I desired, everything I deserved, everything I needed God to do for me, and God said "Love me with everything you are and everything you have and love your neighbor more than you love yourself".

I was shocked. One part of me wanted to ask God how he could just command that from me. And then I realized he was... well, God. God's got a purpose and a plan and my concern for only myself cannot be used by God to bring good in and through my life.

It took me visiting the prayer room in my dorm, opening up to God, and seeing the need there was for genuine love amongst siblings in Christ for me to realize that I wasn't loving the way I should. There are so many hurting, spiritually hungry, exhausted, afraid, empty, lonely, and disappointed people in this world, both Christians and non-Christians. I have to be loving them.

One last thing, we cannot truly love by ourselves. Do you know how hard it is to love someone unconditionally? But if we open our hearts to God, he will love the people around us and show us how to love them in return. Just be willing and open to love those God puts in your path.

In Your Ocean I'm Ankle Deep

My prayer tonight...

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

(Something Beautiful, By: NeedtoBreathe)