Friends, Foes, and Confidants

When I first came to college, I legitimately asked God to make me an extrovert. Most of the girls I met were out being crazy (e.g. Taco Bell runs and hikes to Little Falls) at random hours every evening during Orientation week. I was organizing my room. For the third time. And because introverts are, by definition, usually by themselves, it was just a little bit difficult to make friends.

But I did, praise the Lord, partly because I prayed earnestly for friendships all throughout my senior year of high school, especially second semester. To realize halfway through my freshman year of college that I had developed some amazing friendships literally rocked my world. One day, I posted this line on my tumblr blog: “I’m so in love with these people.”

All fine and dandy, right? Wrong.

Now, please do not misunderstand me. Friends are a blessing, especially for introverts. It is imperative that we understand that God made us for relationships. Ultimately, he made us for a relationship with him (to glorify and enjoy him - Westminster catechism, anyone?) Also, because it was not good for us to be alone, and because one way we can learn about our relationship with God is by having relationships with others, God gave us each other.

The problem comes when we put what God has given us over God Himself. Suddenly, everything is out of order, and that makes for a lopsided life.

I recently began to reevaluate my friendships, because I felt like I was putting friends above God. I also felt like very few of my friends were “doing” friendship the same way I was, and that made me feel even more alone. However, to my friends, it looked like I was literally pushing them away.

How can an introvert evaluate her friendships without looking like she is pushing her friends away?

I don’t know. But I do know that God made us to love each other, even though it’s so messy.

What I’m learning is that philos (friendship love) is going to be messy and yucky sometimes. But we do it anyway, because God said so. And because the rewards of loving one another is beautiful.

The disciple John wrote about love in two of his books. In John 13:35, he says, “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” This is pretty legit. We are called to love each other. I believe that love is the first step towards anything spiritual happening. For example, we must love the unreached and meet their physical needs before we can share Jesus with them. We must love before fear will leave (1 John 4:18). If we hate our Christian brothers and sisters, there’s no way we can love God (1 John 4:20-21).

This is a tough pill to swallow for an introvert, but I would like to let you in on a little secret: Love does not mean you have 47 intimate friends. Love does not mean you can’t also have time alone. Love does not mean you are constantly surrounded by people. Love means you truly care about others (Philippians 2:4). It means you give up yourself for them (John 15:13). It means you notice your friends' love languages and you look for ways to meet them. It means even if you don’t have a coffee date every night of every week, you still make time for people.

And sometimes, it’s okay to be a little extroverted. I’ve started to place an addendum on my introversion status. I say: “Yeah, I’m an introvert... who loves people.”

Lesson from this week: Don’t place anything above God (Exodus 20:3), but don’t stop loving (Luke 10:27).
I wrote earlier about a sacrifice God had called me to make. Recently, I was speaking with someone about it, and they asked me some questions that began to plant doubt in my confidence. I was a little upset, because I was sure that God had called me.

In less than a 30 hour period this week, God gave me two verses about sacrifices. The basic gist from each verse is that God wants my heart more than he wants my sacrifice. I learned that is the reason for my sacrifice: that I would become closer to God. That I would love him and that I would love others. Sometimes God calls us to give up something that is standing in the way of our obedience to the greatest commandments, and that’s why I’m sacrificing.

“To love [God] with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” - Mark 12:33

Growing Up and Falling in Love

This past week was so much fun and such a time of challenge for me. When I applied and interviewed to become one of the counselors at a summer camp held at my college, I didn't think I would make it. The position was for one week in July and on a completely volunteer basis, but I anticipated many of my fellow college students jumping on the chance to serve. I decided to sign up anyway, because something simply encouraged me onward.

I was met with a small group of friends who were also applying to serve and just enough positions for me to become a member of the team. I was surprised. What can I offer? Why did God choose me to spend a week with misfit teenagers and their youth pastors? I have never been a counselor or RA or youth leader before. I attended a few summer camps in elementary and middle school and I went on a mission trip to John's Island, SC every summer during high school. But, honestly, what advantage do I have?

God does not call the equipped. He equips the called.

Well, obviously. That one kindof hit me over the head. God wanted to do something this past week and he wanted to use me. It's that simple. I didn't have anything special, other than a willingness to be used by God. That's all it takes.

I believe that God wants to use us when we have little to nothing to offer, and that's cool because it shows us that God is working and we are just letting him work. It shows us that awesome stuff is not happening because of us, but because of God, and this gives us more reason to praise him. However, and this is cool to me, God isn't finished with us yet. Philippians 1:6 says,

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

You may have heard Mandisa's new song, Stronger, which encourages us to keep going because the pain we face is only making us stronger. She sings, "'Cause if [God] started this work in your life, He will be faithful to complete it, if only you believe it."

Yes, God wants to use us when we are broken and nothing and lacking and empty, but he also wants to grow us. He is the business of fixing broken hearts and renewing lives and growing us spiritually and emotionally. He is going to finish the good work he began in us by using us in places we think we could never be used and by asking us to minister and serve to people we never thought we would be able to serve. And through these opportunities, he teaches us lessons and rescues our hearts and restores us.

That's what happened this week. I was a little bit apprehensive, I guess, since I really did not know what to expect. But overall, I was not nervous. I was ready to meet the teenagers I would spend a week with, because I wanted to minister to them. But I ended up being ministered to much more. Not only was worship amazing and the messages fantastic, but I was surrounded by an awesome group of friends who were happy to see me every morning. They made my day more than once. In fact, one night, while patrolling the campus during Capture the Flag, I had an amazingly awesome talk with a friend of mine named Nancy. I had been struggling with some really stupid thoughts and emotions, like jealousy, envy, and guilt, and Nancy really set me straight that night. She reminded me to be content, and to question why I'm satisfied with not finding my contentment in God. In God's Word Translation, 1 Timothy 6:6-7 says,

A godly life brings huge profits to people who are content with what they have. We didn’t bring anything into the world, and we can’t take anything out of it.

Am I living for Christ, imitating him in everything I do? Because that is contentment. And once again, I ponder what it means to be satisfied in God.

Through that conversation with Nancy and other wonderful conversations and interactions with other good friends, like Jessie and Kyle and Erin, I began to see once again God's love for me. God's relentless pursuit of me. It finally clicked yesterday morning as I was finishing the book of Exodus and slugging through commandment after commandment. I was getting tired when I found this verse, tucked away beside something about the Ark of the Covenant....

You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.

It's Exodus 34:14. And I can't help but be amazed by it. God is jealous. God is jealous for attention and adoration. And also: God is jealous about his relationship with me. (Me!) It could also be worded: God is jealous for a relationship with me. I think I've realized that growing up is a lifelong process. You don't just wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm all grown up now." No, we are constantly learning new things and developing into new people. And part of my growing up is that affirmation that God is not only my friend, my father, my comforter, and my Savior, but that he is my lover. He is jealous for our relationship.

If I can have a regret from this week, it's that I didn't reach out more. With God's love bubbling in me, I wish I could have stayed up until 3 in the morning with the girls on my hall. I wish I had sat with different people a bit more during meals. I could have gone a little farther, opened up a little more, when talking with kids about Jesus. I could have instigated those conversations about God, instead of waiting for them to happen. And yet, the good news is that there is more time. God is still working. Great things happened and great things are still to happen. God knows what he's doing and he is bringing everything about in his timing and within his plans.

Finally, I want you to know that God loves you. And when we're little kids, it's fine to say that God's our friend or Dad and he is looking out for us. But as I'm growing up, I'm seeing that God loves me like a faithful husband loves his wife (see Hosea 2:20). It's that real and practical and obvious and even emotional. I want to close with a quote from a book I have yet to read, but I have heard many good things about.

The following quote describes what a romantic relationship should look like from a Christian perspective. See, one of the things that bothered me this past week was that I was the only female counselor who was not dating, taken, or otherwise pursuing a relationship. It drove me crazy for a while. (Have you ever asked, "What is wrong with me?") I will be the first to tell younger girls that they don't need a boyfriend or to encourage a friend who is struggling with her singleness, but I tend to secretly struggle very deeply with my singleness. To be honest, I hate this struggle with a passion. I hate the fear I encounter when I feel alone. I hate the guilty feeling I get when I am uncomfortable with being single. I hate the doubting and questioning that seems to overwhelm me. And broaching this subject is a scary place, because I feel weak when I talk about it. But know this, my heart, know this, my friend, God loves you. He is jealous for a relationship with you. He yearns to be desired by you. Does that make the desire to date go away? Probably not. But for me, it makes the fear subside and the guilt diminish. It makes my heart stop hiding. It makes my eyes see God in more places and my ears a little more attuned to his voice. It makes my soul cease questioning, if only for a few moments of sunshine. It makes me realize what I'm looking for in a guy and keep my emotions from swaying me too far. And, in the end, it allows me to fall in love with Jesus. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true. Okay, here's the quote...

One day she will be running in her lane, relentlessly in pursuit of Jesus, looking ahead and not around, when all of a sudden she will hear him approaching. If he is the one, she will not have to stop running or change her pace, and she won't have to look behind her, because before she knows it, he will be running alongside her. He will grab her hand and they will finish the good race together.

Excerpted from A Man Worth Waiting For, by Jackie Kendall

All of this to say... I realized this week that I'm growing up and falling in love. And its beautiful.

Jealous

In the midst of commands about covenants, Asherah poles, Festivals, and sacrafices, I found this little gem in Exodus 34:14:

You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.

Wow. That makes "How He Loves" such a more beautiful song. God is jealous for me, and jealous for our relationship. It reminds me of Hosea, when Israel (the prostitute) scorns God (Hosea) b leaving him and committing adultery with other men. God is so jealous for me and I constantly leave him to run after something else I think might make me happy instead of him.