Spiritually Prepared

My biggest fear going into college was that I wouldn't make any friends. God radically challenged and demolished that fear by blessing me with an amazing group of friends I have kept and loved these last two years. I would not be here without them.

Now, when it comes to my five week trip to Asia (which I leave for in 7 days!), my biggest fear is that I am not spiritually prepared enough. It's like this little sneaky feeling that I should be somewhere else (farther or deeper or stronger) in my relationship with God and that I'm just not there yet. I was actually really upset that I was not as "Christian" as I thought I should be before embarking on this trip.

The organization I'm serving with really emphasizes preparation and  pre-trip planning, even providing a Bible study, a journal devotional, and a book on servanthood to prepare us for the trip and the ministry we'll be doing. I think that's great, but it was affecting my outlook on the trip in general. I felt like I was not good enough to go to Asia in the first place. Fortunately, I was wrong. It's not about my "good-ness" or ability. It's about God's goodness and ability. He will equip me to do the good work he is calling me to. The pre-trip devotionals and Bible studies are for the purpose of opening my eyes and heart so I am willing to let him use me. They serve little purpose than to help me be aware, to help open and keep open the lines of communication between me and God.

Tirzah Presbyterian Church

I learned this while I was on a mini road trip today. This morning, I woke up at 6:30am and drove a little over an hour to a city a couple counties over from mine. It was fairly spontaneous, as the idea occurred to me late yesterday afternoon, and I wasn't sure exactly where I was going. I ended up doing everything I set out to do. First, I visited a tiny unincorporated community called Tirzah. In Hebrew, "Tirzah" is a female name which means "She is my delight" and it is found in the Bible as both a name and a city. I've always wanted to visit it just because of the name, but I learned today that the little town is just one street long! The road (Tirzah Rd) is about a mile and a half long and it literally has one church and a bunch of pretty houses. That's it. I wondered why I drove all the way there to drive down one street. Later, I went to the County library and found old records from the church, but nothing to explain why it was named Tirzah.

I think I set out trying to prove that I was beautiful or to find beauty. Maybe if I'm beautiful, I found myself reasoning, my Father will notice me. Or maybe I went about it trying to prove that I was somehow a good Christian, that I could go be away with God somewhere and have an amazing experience and come back spiritually renewed and glowing. Initially, I didn't set out looking to spend more time with God; I set out trying to be someone I wasn't.

Tirzah Road sign

After that random adventure, I drove to the Glencairn Gardens, a volunteer-run flower garden in the area. I spent some time taking pictures of nature and enjoying the scenery. Then I settled in for Jesus time. And let me tell you, God showed up without me needing to pressure him into coming. Or get down on my hands and knees and beg his presence. Not that there's anything wrong with asking God to be among us. The fact is that I learned that He already is. It matters so much to me that God sees me, that he notices me, that he finds me important, significant, and yes, beautiful. I failed to realize that he already does.

I don't have to do anything to get his attention because I already have it. He has carved my name into the palms of his hands. He doesn't just walk away when I need him or ignore me when I call him or find something more interesting to do. He always wants to hear my voice.

Flower at the Gardens

Thus, I realized I tend to focus on myself way too much. Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest had this to say today: "The continual inner-searching we do in an effort to see if we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, sickly type of Christianity, not the vigorous and simple life of a child of God."

I honestly felt like I wasn't good enough, and that held me back from doing so much. Chambers says that the correct attitude is to "launch out in reckless, unrestrained belief that the redemption is complete," because even if it isn't, we are made right with God in Christ, and we should move on from ourselves. At some point, we should not "worry anymore about [ourselves], but begin to do as Jesus has said...". Which is: prayer and service. Sometimes as Christians, we get this weird idea that sanctification and ministry are not simultaneous. I would like to argue that they almost always happen at the same time. God has saved me and is saving me and I'm working out my salvation through my work for God's kingdom.

The point is that God sees and notices and loves me. Sometimes I still have to be reminded of that. Because he so generously lavishes love and forgiveness on me, I can go and serve and minister to others, even if I don't feel perfect or even good enough. You know why?

Because we "are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that [we] may declare the praises of him who called [us] out of darkness into this wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:9). He chose us to serve him. And if we waited until we were perfect to start serving, we would be in heaven already. (Alone, of course, because a nice portion of that serving is missions work.)

In this post from March, I included 1 Peter 2:9 because I heard it twice in one less-than-two-hour period and I couldn't figure out why. However, today, when I opened My Utmost for His Highest and saw that 1 Peter 2:9 was the headlining verse, I knew God was going to speak to me through it. It was like he had given me a little taste beforehand so I'd know when to pay attention when he used that verse to speak to me. What a strange blessing from the Lord!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is going to use me how and where he wants me. He is going to equip me for the work to which he's called me. And I don't have to be superwoman or super-Christian. I just have to be willing.

What I'm Listening To:

"You're Beautiful" - Phil Wickham

"Something Beautiful" - NeedtoBreathe

Switchfoot on shuffle

Keeping On

I truly love where I am and what I'm doing. I love this college. I love my job. I love my family, and I miss them when I'm not home. I love these people here and I miss them when I'm not at college. I love them even when they drive me crazy! I love my professors and my classes and the extracurricular activities here. I love what I'm learning, even when it makes me crazy.

And I don't want to be bitter.

But while everything seems to be moving a little faster than I'd like (it's already December!), everything seems to be going a little slower than I thought, too.

I look back at how far I've come, and I'm proud. I'm proud of the work it took to get here. I'm proud of a God who works in my life, who is active and present and profound. I'm thankful that he loves me, that he delights in me. I'm thankful for the strength he gave and continues to give me, the hope he pours out, the safety and freedom I find in his arms.

I don't deserve any of that. I don't deserve his little blessings, the reminders of his grace and compassion. I don't deserve the wonderful things he's placed in my life for a purpose.

But sometimes... People can make me insane.

Those who make mountains out of molehills, by becoming upset over circumstances they shouldn't be concerned about and can't change

Those who become very open with their public displays of affection with each other, disregarding the opinions of others

Those who find it necessary to jump from relationship to relationship

Those who are succeeding at life and want me to be happy for them when I feel bad about myself

Those who look for reasons to be jealous or angry or emotional

Those who criticize others, who do not apply themselves to their work, those who claim to follow God, then become apathetic about his truth and love and purposely fail to demonstrate excellence when it counts

Etc.

Where is the line in a relationship in which I can go to a friend and confront him or her about a problem in his or her life where I don't sound jealous or hypocritical? Because I find myself doing plenty of those things as well.

I'd urge you to read Galatians 6:1, 2 Corinthians 2:7-8, Proverbs 9:9, and James 5:16, but here I have a quote from a blog I stumbled upon called Daily Discernment. The author writes: "First make sure your friend has actually 'sinned' and not just done something that you didn’t like. What scripture have they violated?"

In the majority of those circumstances above, my friends have not actually committed a sin, and there is a large part of me that has decided that unless I am close enough with them to bring the issue up without raising alarm, I should let it be. Which is hard, but is probably the best option.

In addition, part of being an adult is not being easily swayed by the opinions and emotions of others. It's becoming your own person and standing on your own two feet. Have I missed that? Have I forgotten the importance of becoming my own person in life? Of standing up for what I think, and not swaying back and forth like chaff in the wind? It's not God-honoring to be so concerned about everyone else that I fail to find my identity in him.

So why I am bitter? I feel like I can't live this life and enjoy my friends and their companionship because I'm concerned about the mistakes they're making. Is that the way friends are supposed to act? I mean, we're all broken ad sinful and we all make mistakes. But what would it look like to be devoted to my friends? To care so much about them that I love them though their sins? That I love them despite their fall-outs and hang-ups? That I have genuine compassion for them and their souls?

Any thoughts?

‎Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

- Romans 12:15-16

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

- 1 Peter 3:8-9

Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

- Luke 6:30-31

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

- Galatians 6:2

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

- Galatians 2:20

Temple Tuesday... Wednesday

I'm sorry about the late Temple Tuesday, but I moved into college yesterday and did not get a free moment at all!

Thinking about college recently has left me thinking about who I am, which has led me to question the things I do and the way I interact with people. I need quiet time, so sometimes I feel like I am rude to say no to activities or not hang out with other people 24/7. It's just that I have to have time to regroup. And, especially at orientation week at college, I feel like I'm supposed to always be doing something with someone, and that it would be selfish to ask for some time alone.

I also feel like I should be more friendly, more outgoing, more talkative, and more sociable. Which is not to say that I haven't been meeting lots of new people, just that I'm not a naturally extroverted person.

And in the midst of this, I can hear God. Through a song. See, we are not called to be the life of the party or a wall flower. We are not called to be the star on the sports team or in the band or at the school. Just in general, we are called to love God. To know him and love him.

Now, God might call you to play soccer or baseball or guitar or piano or act in the play or join this random club... But our goal in life, our purpose, is to know God and love God. That comes first.

Sidewalk Prophets asks, "When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me, Father of love, you can have me. You can have me!" Think about that for a minute. The world has told us love is a fleeting emotion, but God says otherwise. Love is actually a choice, a decision, to care for the other person, to give them the best, to make them better than yourself. So, despite everything that's going on, know God and love God.

When you feel like you need to fix or change something about yourself to be better, remember: your goal and purpose is not to please everyone else, it's not to become a better person, even. Your goal is to know God and love God. And love, by the way, is consuming and moving. Know God and love God and he will direct you. Trust in him and he will make your paths straight.