Moving!

I'm sure I've mentioned before how much I hate change, but change is also good.

I am announcing here and now that I am blogging on a new website. Personally and technically, I have outgrown this blog. I have found that Wordpress offers not only a different space for me, but also much more technical options.

In lieu of moving all of my posts and tags over to the new website, I am simply starting afresh. There will be plenty of links back here, but I am looking to move in a new direction.

Check out the new website here: deannalexis.wordpress.com.

Provision Despite Worry

My first semester of college was tough, to say the least. As a rule-follower and structure-oriented person, I couldn't handle hallmates heading on late-night Taco Bell runs, running late to class, or feeling overwhelmed with the amount of free-for-all homework that was being assigned. I struggled my freshman year with feeling like the stress was up to my eyeballs.

One night early in that year, my RA (resident assistant) came into my room to chat or do roomcheck or something and asked me how I was doing. It was so great to have the chance to tell someone how I was feeling. I had my Bible with me (probably doing chapter summaries or something) and she asked me to turn to Matthew chapter six.

I grew up in Sunday School, I thought. I know where she's going with this. And I was right, she pointed out verse 25 and following.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

- Matthew 6:25-33, NLT

A little over two years ago, I still remember that conversation. Even though I "knew" the passage she was referring to, I did not really know it. I had not really experienced it. Sure, times were hard financially and emotionally after my parents' divorce when my mom was single. Money was tight, but God provided. I never feared that we wouldn't have a roof over our heads and food in our fridge. As a child, I never knew how much we really didn't have. Up until that semester, my needs were pretty much met.

However, going to college was a new experience. A change. Have I mentioned how much I don't like change? (I even wrote a post entitled "I Hate Change" in August 2010... oh goodness.) Anyway, this change, this new experience, has been fantastic, but it has also been challenging. For example, that first year, I was terribly afraid I would not have enough time to do my homework. I sacrificed time with good friends because I feared not finishing an assignment. As time went on, I feared other things. First, it was: would I be able to make friends? Later: would I have enough nice clothes to wear to work? Would I be able to finish this project? Would I be able to serve effectively here or there? Would I be able to end this relationship, if needed, and heal from it, if necessary? Would I be able to go through counseling (and would it actually help)? Would I be able to make it in another country? Would I be able to find my identity in Christ?

And most recently, my worry has been: Do I have enough money? Can I afford this?
I think it's a bit ironic that Matthew writes that "you cannot serve both God and money" exactly one verse before the passage my RA shared with me. In addition, the examples Matthew uses as things people worry about are food, drink, and clothing. All money-related items. It seems as if God is pretty serious when it comes to relying on him over money. That's why Jesus said that it is "easier for a camel to go through an eye of a needle than for a rich person to go to heaven" (Matthew 19:24). If we depend on our money, we are not depending on God. "Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven," Matthew writes.

Yet despite God's consistent warnings, we still need money to survive. I'm going on the five-meal plan at my college this coming semester. That means that I will only get five meals per week in the cafeteria. The other meals I will cook or eat out. From the money my parents are saving by this room and board option, they will be giving me a chunk (for groceries) and saving the rest. I'm going to need that grocery money. But I don't have to worry about it. God will provide, though my parents and through his provision.

It's interesting, though, that God will always provide. And if he doesn't? It just means he has better plans. My black dress flats had started to show serious signs of wear this past semester, and the heel of one is falling apart now. I needed to buy a new pair before I completed observations at a local school in January. Yesterday, I just got so worried about getting a new pair of shoes at a price I could afford that I literally started tearing up in the car. It was actually kindof ridiculous how worried I was.

In that moment, my RA's advice rang through my head. Matthew chapter six. Do not "worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?" And "do not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough trouble of its own." 

You know what? God will provide impromptu shopping trips and shoes on sale. He will, I promise. :) But that's not the point here. The point is that He is all we need. Seek Him first, and he will provide.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

-  Matthew 6:33, KJV

What I'm Listening To:

"Nothing But the Blood" - Matt Redman
"My Story" - Addison Road
"Search My Heart" - Hillsong
"All We Need" - Charlie Hall
"You Never Let Go" - Matt Redman

Confession: I Don't Do Well With Change

Maybe I'm just going crazy. I certainly feel like it.

The last two weeks have led me to a conclusion: I don't do well with change. Sure, I can handle going halfway around the world with 100+ people I've never met before and getting thrown into a culture and language I definitely did not study enough and facing responsibilities like riding the public bus by myself and imparting not only the English language but also the love of the Father to more than 20 Asian teenagers. Oh, sure. Difficult, but I survived and loved it.

What I can't handle is coming back for my third year in this city and at this college. Granted, I love this so much. I love where I'm living, I love living here in this area of this state, I love who I'm living with. I love my classes, professors, and (even sometimes) the homework.

But this is so stinkin' hard. My confession is that I'm having a much difficult time than I anticipated. I'm definitely feeling disoriented and confused.

For one, I almost got lost in the dorm where I spent two years of my life. I went to visit, and the whole thing was crazy weird. The halls and rooms are the same, but the decorations, names on the doors, and faces are different. I forgot that one staircase goes to all three floors and the basement, while the other only goes to the upper floors. I also entered that dorm's code into the electronic lock on my new terrace-dorm's door. Twice.

Two, I walked into the library more than thirty minutes ago. I literally know less than 40% of the people in the library who have been here since I've been here. So many faces are unfamiliar and voices unknown. I kinda don't know what to do anymore.

Three, I'm still unsure as to what extracurricular activities I'm supposed to be involved in. I mean, my relationship with my church has been weird because our college Sunday school has not yet started up again and I'm not going on Wednesday night anymore. I love all of them, and I miss them.
From first semester freshman year to almost a year ago, I was involved in a group that met for fellowship and Bible study each week. When my time with that ministry drew to a close almost a year ago, I suddenly found myself feeling very empty with how I was supposed to structure my time. I had been so busy for so long that I forgot what to do with myself. I spent October to December in that weird middle state until I began teaching ESL in a neighboring town with a group from my college in January.
Well, I have rejoined that ESL group only to find that there are all new teachers (except me) and I have been paired with a guy (who's engaged) to teach a class of three adult students. The thing is, change is a little unsettling to me. Especially because none of these people taught last semester. Especially because our class sizes are really small this semester. Especially because I don't know this guy very well and I'm worried about co-teaching with him because he's doing this for credit, while I'm just volunteering. So, I'm just a bit unsure of everything.
I feel like I should be stepping up to the roles to which God has called me. Roles like ESL teaching, discipling a friend who asked for help on a class requirement for discipleship, co-leading a small group of freshmen/transfer girls, etc., but I'm having a hard time doing so.

Four, the fact of singleness has hit me hard. I think it does every August, because returning back to school and seeing all the couples get together makes me feel lonely. Maybe moreso this year, I'm seeing couples actually getting married. Couples I know. None of my super-close friends, but people I know. And that's crazy scary. It feels like people are just growing up and moving on without me.  I know God is still doing great and wonderful things in me and through me before I have a guy in my life. But I'm waiting to know what more of those are. I'm learning that it's okay to step outside of my comfort zone a bit and it's okay to get to know people better and it's okay to choose not to hide from guys. Yet, I'm in that awkward stage of not liking anyone. And, again, I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.
Also, autumn/fall, as a season, has definitely been difficult for me for the last two or three years, so there are a lot of cold-weather "backseat driver" moments. And that's been hard as well.

In fact, as I was preparing for this post, I read a previous post of mine from October 2011 in which I wrote about God asking me to be tree. On that day, God showed me that he has great things for me, but he might just "shake my leaves" and ask me to "dig my roots deep" into him in preparation for those things. I wrote that God was telling me:

Look, I am bringing about new buds. Little bursts of growth and blessing. Alex, let me love you, and I will shower lush leaves upon you. I will bring about new growth and new experiences... I long for you to trust me, to hope in me, to have faith that what I am bringing about is best, even you don't understand, even when you're hurt. Let me love you. Let me demonstrate my faithfulness. I am the Lord your God.

You know what? Eleven months later, He is still telling me that. He's still asking me to come in close to him and fall in love with him and trust him and rely on him.

I think right now He's asking me to talk with him. Because how can we claim to love a God with whom we never talk?

What I'm Listening To:

 "Erosion" and "Learning to Breathe" - Switchfoot

"Skeleton Bones" and "Dress Us Up" - John Mark McMillan

Thunderstorms and Change in the Air

It rained so many times today. The skies were absolutely dark in the direction ahead of me and I was driving  to a nearby town to pick up my brother. I called him and asked him if it was raining where he was. He assured me it was not and I hung up. A few moments later, it started pouring where I was driving.
It rained again when I missed my turn and took the back way to get my brother, this time a more gentle rain. My windshield looked like it was covered in tiny jewels.
Then it rained once I got into town and began helping for my mom's program. We moved everything for the reception upstairs into the cafeteria just in time before a huge storm hit. The lights flickered and the windows shook and we could barely see out of the windows.

My roommate-last-year loves the rain because to her, it is God telling her he's got everything under control and he knows what he's doing. I am not sure if I am remembering right, but I am pretty sure it rained at her grandfather's funeral, and that is why it means so much to her. It was like God was saying, "Hey, I've got this..." Recently, butterflies have been telling me the same thing. Rain often still gets to me in a beautiful way, but God has been using butterflies, too. For example, over the weekend I was nervous about a friend's spiritual life. I was putting my insurance information back into my glove compartment, half of my body in my car and half out, when I glanced out the windshield. Right as I looked up, a gorgeous blue butterfly flitted by. And God said, "Hey, I've got this..." 

I know it sounds a bit sacrilegious to an American Christian to rely on "signs and visions," although the Bible tells us that in the end days, people will prophesy and see visions and dreams (Acts 2:17). However, I know that God is a patient lover who is pursuing his bride, the church, both corporately and individually. And I know that one of the ways God pursues us is with things that have meaning to us, like the right song at the right time. Or a kind word right when we need it. Or a butterfly.

Believe me, God is here. And active. And he is working. We just have to listen.

From Flickr - US National Archives

P.S. I'm going to China in five weeks and two days! I will not be posting on this blog while I'm gone and I may or may not be available on Facebook. If you would like to receive e-mail updates from me (about one per week) while I'm out of the country for five weeks, please fill out the form below. Thanks!

He Keeps Track of Sorrows... and Gives JOY

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Even Christians are not happy all the time. First of all, that's just weird. Second, we are called to live honest and real lives versus fake lifestyles, even if they're not very happy. Recently, things have just been getting me down. Things like a confusing conversation at work, an apparently peaceful confrontation, an untimely invitation, or an inside joke that doesn't include me.

Now, the reality is that things change. Each new August, roommates get switched, dorms and terraces and floors and halls house new people, and relationships like suitemates and across-the-hall-mates and wallmates change. Relationships deepen and wane. Hearts are broken and mended. Family situations, life experiences, and goals for the future become more distinct and defined. Obviously, it's no one's fault that things change. In fact, it's great! Seeing a good guy friend develop some amazing strength and self-control I never though he would have is really inspiring. Watching as good friends ask questions about their futures, questions like "Am I in the right major?" or "What does God want me to do when I graduate? Or this summer?" is awesome. We are becoming the people we are going to be. And that is amazing. That is God working. Four years from now, we are going to be doing totally different things. We are going to pursuing the active futures God has for us. College is like a crock pot - you've got so many different obligations, responsibilities, experiences, choices, and opportunities in these few short 4 or 5 years, but out of that comes an awesome dinner... er, person. You get the gist.

The point I'm making is that despite my knowledge that change is okay, even good, it still makes me feel weird. Knowing that continuing relationships with the people I loved dearly last year (and still do) is going to be difficult doesn't make it easier to reconnect and love on them. Knowing that I have a new boss and a new RD are going to shake things up does not calm my nerves when things are randomly shaken. Knowing that the new friendships I'm forming deserve energy and time does not make more energy in my body and time in my day. Knowing that I am surrounded by people (and an amazing God) who love me usually does not make me feel more loved.

See, feelings are very tricky things. We should pay attention to them and listen to how we feel emotionally, because it may tie in to how our bodies are feeling physically, or even how we are subconsciously dealing with stress or pain. We should allow ourselves to feel emotions instead of stuffing them.

But feelings are not always reliable. For example, we can feel that God is far away or that people do not care about us or that we are being left out - but that doesn't make it true. Something to remember is that God is always true regardless of how we feel about him. Scripture is always reliable even when we don't "get it" emotionally.

Despite feeling down recently, I don't have to take that as God leaving me or ignoring me. God is always faithful! He doesn't leave, even if I'm not feeling him. And the cool thing is that he understands our pain and hurt and cares about it. Psalm 56:8 says,

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

Finally, know that while Christians are not called to happiness, we are called to joy. And since joy is not dependent on circumstances, we can be joyful even when we feel like crap. Joy is a fruit of the spirit, which means that we cannot control or create it in our lives. It has to be done by the Holy Spirit.

I'm going to ask you to do what I have to do: to ask God for joy. To stop letting little things get in the way of the big picture. To reevaluate and change some things. For me, this means holding fast to God and appreciating the people he's given me without becoming overly dependent on them. This means accepting that things are going to happen and life is going to change and knowing that God is still the same. This means understanding God's reliability and consistency and learning to bask in that. Ask and seek for joy today.

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

- Psalm 28:7

Inevitable Change

Change happens.

It's kindof, well, inevitable.

The good news is that I serve a God who never changes. My God is always faithful, always present, always active, always unpredictably sure, and always awesome.

I feel like we often miss that. We are too easily swayed by the winds of life that we ignore God's ever-present, omnipresent, and omniscient self. The fact is that God doesn't change. He's the same forever. We change and experience new and both exciting and awful things. Because of that, we often perceive him differently at different times. God didn't change - we did. And we learned something new about him.

Change happens. We change, life changes... But God never changes. He is always the same. And he is always here.

"A Rolling Stone...

...gathers no moss." Is a quote my dad always tells me, which means that people and things constantly change. He also says, "The only two constants in life are death and taxes." Or this really creative thought: "If we never changed, we'd always be the same." :)

So, in reference to that, I'm going to let you in on a few changes to this blog. To be honest, I write this blog as means to express what I'm feeling and going through, not for other people. However, I'm impressed that people actually read my blog, so I would like to know what you think about it and what you would suggest.

Here's a short, ten question survey, just wondering what you think. It's completely anonymous, by the way. If you could, please take it! Just click on the link or put this in your address bar: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/WW5SRQC

Also, I recently created a Tumblr account, and I will posting poetry, free verse thoughts, and Bible verses over there from now on. This blog will still be updated frequently, but it will serve as a more non-fiction account of things and discussion on Scripture and life. So, if you feel moved to see what the fuss is about, the link to that page is http://losingmyself14.tumblr.com/!

Well, again, thanks for reading! Please take the survey and check back here for more posts later. :)

College [Dis]orientation

Going to college is a challenge, if you didn't already know that. It is a huge change and a great challenge to adapt to college life and to adapt to being away from home. In fact, this morning at the campus church, the pastor asked us if we were disoriented or if Orientation had actually worked. :)

Do you remember Joshua from the Bible? After Moses died, God called Joshua to lead the Israelites. Imagine Joshua, a young adult, being given a task to lead his people. This was a big challenge! God led Joshua to conquer new territory, to tackle new challenges, to fight new battles, and to advance His purpose even further. See, God didn't change and God's purposes didn't change. But changes happened in Joshua's life to challenge him and Israel and further accomplish God's plan.

While at college, remember that this is a change! You are going to feel disoriented. It's going to be hard. Like Joshua, we need to have the right attitude (be strong and courageous) and follow the right path (Study this Book of Instruction [Bible] continually). But fight those battles, cross that threshold, and follow God, because he is always with us.

[Thanks to Pastor Dave at the Campus church for a message on Joshua. This post is based on his message on Joshua 1:1-9.]

I hate change.

I hate change. There, I said it. If you want to know what I hate: I hate change. Hate it with a passion. After celebrating (and dealing with) graduation, mom's remarriage, moving, and adapting to a stepdad and stepfamily, I thought, with some humor, Oh, God's trying to teach me about change. This is cool. I can adapt to change. Everything is going fine.

But I guess I spoke too soon. God isn't about coasting through life or simply taking what you're given and merging into your present life. God is about change.

See, if I became a Christian and then spoke the same way, watched the same movies, listened to the same music, befriended the same people, and thought about life the same way as I did before Christ (or as non-Christians do), then has Christ made a difference in my life? Or am I simply the same as I was before I met Christ?

As Christians, we've got to be different. We must be different, so we reflect Christ instead of this world. We do this through our choices in media as well as our actions, words, and thoughts. And while we are choosing cleaner, Godlier choices in media and words, God is in the process of refining our thoughts and viewpoints and feelings. This whole, entire movement or shift in our lives is a big change! It's a change towards Godliness, an adjustment in the direction of Christ along the straight and narrow path. In theology, we call it Sanctification.

Isaiah 48:10 explains this by saying: "See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction." Whatever survives the 'furnace' is good and Godly, but it's a life-long process.

Okay, so back to the change in my life. I hate it. But God has a purpose for it. God's plan is that through the things I hate (like change), I will be refined. I will become more like Christ, and my life will conform to God instead of to this world.

Josh Wilson writes and sings about those uncomfortable, even painful moments in life that have a purpose like this:

Do you wonder why you have to
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Growth

Imagine, just four years ago. Where were you? What were you doing? What mattered most to you? What filled your free time? What made you busy? Who occupied your thoughts?

As I leave high school and step into college, I am amazed at the growth and change in my life. The realization, discovery, and acknowledgement of me. Alex. Who I am and what I am and my personality, my needs and wants, my strengths and weaknesses, my similarities and differences with those around me, how I feel and what I feel and what it is that exists outside of my feelings and space and time. Well, who, that is. It's God.

And, believe it or not: God never changes. It's so beautiful that God is the same. He's always there. He is trustworthy and dependable and consistent, because he never changes. The lovely thing, the almost romantic thing, is that when we grow, we change. Our perceptions and illusions and beliefs and claims and feelings and desires change. And through these changes, we begin to see different sides of God. God hasn't changed, but now we see a deeper picture of God.

I once read a story about marriage. The author wrote about how men enjoy something new and adventurous. That's why when you're dating, young women are cautioned to be mysterious - to let guys enjoy the chase. Then the author posed a question like this: In marriage, though, one man is "stuck" with one woman for his lifetime. How can men enjoy that? And the author answered: In marriage, instead of going surface deep with several women, the husband goes deeper into his wife, learns more about her, and gets to know what makes her tick.

Such is the same with God. We can grow deeper into God if we allow changes within our own lives - if we don't fight change from God, but welcome it as a chance to grow.

So... four years ago! Think about God, too. Where were you with God four years ago? Where are you now? And where do you want to be with God in four years?

God, Why is it so hard to...

...trust you?
Why is it so hard to just let go?
Why is it so hard to give it all to you?
Why is it so hard to place my life in your hands?

I can give you one issue. I can ask you one question. I can reveal to you one wound.
But you can't have all of me.
Why?

There are so many things coming up that I'm unsure about. Maybe it takes an unsure moment to demonstrate trust, to develop faith.
My Sunday School days taught me that faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". It's ringing in my ears because someone taught me years ago.
But, in all practicality, how can I be certain of what I cannot see? That's like saying, "I'm certain there's a little village over that hill." How can I say that? Because in Disney movies, there's always a little village on the other side of a hill? Because I want there to be a little village over there? Because someone told me there's a village - I just haven't seen it with my own eyes yet?
I'm going to go with the last one.

God, you told me you'd never leave me nor forsake me (Joshua 1:9 - another gem from Sunday School). You told me to be strong and courageous. You told me you would supply every need I have (Phillipians 4:19). You told me your grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). Do I believe You? God, my amazing, incredible, outstanding, extraordinary, Almighty God... Do I believe you?
Why not?

If the Creator of the universe promised He loved you and would never leave you, would you believe him?
Yes, outside circumstances might prompt you to doubt. It's normal to doubt. We put a lot of stock into what our parents do, and the abandonment of a parent might cause you to fret about God one day abandoning you. That's normal.
But God is not normal. He's super-normal, supernatural, and phenomenal. His word is final and absoute. 2 Samuel 22:31 says, "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." 1 Kings 8:56 tells of a specific example, "Praise be to the LORD, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses."

1 Chronicles 16:10-17 explains,

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,

O descendants of Israel his servant, O sons of Jacob, his chosen ones.

He is the LORD our God; his judgments are in all the earth.

He remembers his covenant forever, the word he commanded, for a thousand generations,

the covenant he made with Abraham, the oath he swore to Isaac.

He confirmed it to Jacob as a decree, to Israel as an everlasting covenant...

If you can't trust God, whose words are documented and verified a thousand times over, who can you trust?

Unending love

It hit me in church this morning - God doesn't change. He had no beginning, he has no end. His love never wavers. His faithfulness never fails.

Despite leaving high school, leaving my home of 7 and a half years, leaving my hometown... God doesn't change. And he's still here. And his sacrifice doesn't loose it's significance because I'm not in my comfortable little bubble. In fact, it will probably gain more significance in my eyes.

Attending the Brooklyn Tabernacle in New York last week on my senior trip really opened my eyes to the fact that every true Christian serves the same God.

The Maker of Adam, the Lord of Abraham, the King of David, on into the Savior of New Yorkers, the Redeemer of Mexicans, the Helper of Middle Easterners... This is my God. This is our God. Christianity surpasses every race and geographical boundary.

God's love is unending and unchanging, no matter where, what, or who I am.