Growing Up and Falling in Love

This past week was so much fun and such a time of challenge for me. When I applied and interviewed to become one of the counselors at a summer camp held at my college, I didn't think I would make it. The position was for one week in July and on a completely volunteer basis, but I anticipated many of my fellow college students jumping on the chance to serve. I decided to sign up anyway, because something simply encouraged me onward.

I was met with a small group of friends who were also applying to serve and just enough positions for me to become a member of the team. I was surprised. What can I offer? Why did God choose me to spend a week with misfit teenagers and their youth pastors? I have never been a counselor or RA or youth leader before. I attended a few summer camps in elementary and middle school and I went on a mission trip to John's Island, SC every summer during high school. But, honestly, what advantage do I have?

God does not call the equipped. He equips the called.

Well, obviously. That one kindof hit me over the head. God wanted to do something this past week and he wanted to use me. It's that simple. I didn't have anything special, other than a willingness to be used by God. That's all it takes.

I believe that God wants to use us when we have little to nothing to offer, and that's cool because it shows us that God is working and we are just letting him work. It shows us that awesome stuff is not happening because of us, but because of God, and this gives us more reason to praise him. However, and this is cool to me, God isn't finished with us yet. Philippians 1:6 says,

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

You may have heard Mandisa's new song, Stronger, which encourages us to keep going because the pain we face is only making us stronger. She sings, "'Cause if [God] started this work in your life, He will be faithful to complete it, if only you believe it."

Yes, God wants to use us when we are broken and nothing and lacking and empty, but he also wants to grow us. He is the business of fixing broken hearts and renewing lives and growing us spiritually and emotionally. He is going to finish the good work he began in us by using us in places we think we could never be used and by asking us to minister and serve to people we never thought we would be able to serve. And through these opportunities, he teaches us lessons and rescues our hearts and restores us.

That's what happened this week. I was a little bit apprehensive, I guess, since I really did not know what to expect. But overall, I was not nervous. I was ready to meet the teenagers I would spend a week with, because I wanted to minister to them. But I ended up being ministered to much more. Not only was worship amazing and the messages fantastic, but I was surrounded by an awesome group of friends who were happy to see me every morning. They made my day more than once. In fact, one night, while patrolling the campus during Capture the Flag, I had an amazingly awesome talk with a friend of mine named Nancy. I had been struggling with some really stupid thoughts and emotions, like jealousy, envy, and guilt, and Nancy really set me straight that night. She reminded me to be content, and to question why I'm satisfied with not finding my contentment in God. In God's Word Translation, 1 Timothy 6:6-7 says,

A godly life brings huge profits to people who are content with what they have. We didn’t bring anything into the world, and we can’t take anything out of it.

Am I living for Christ, imitating him in everything I do? Because that is contentment. And once again, I ponder what it means to be satisfied in God.

Through that conversation with Nancy and other wonderful conversations and interactions with other good friends, like Jessie and Kyle and Erin, I began to see once again God's love for me. God's relentless pursuit of me. It finally clicked yesterday morning as I was finishing the book of Exodus and slugging through commandment after commandment. I was getting tired when I found this verse, tucked away beside something about the Ark of the Covenant....

You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.

It's Exodus 34:14. And I can't help but be amazed by it. God is jealous. God is jealous for attention and adoration. And also: God is jealous about his relationship with me. (Me!) It could also be worded: God is jealous for a relationship with me. I think I've realized that growing up is a lifelong process. You don't just wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm all grown up now." No, we are constantly learning new things and developing into new people. And part of my growing up is that affirmation that God is not only my friend, my father, my comforter, and my Savior, but that he is my lover. He is jealous for our relationship.

If I can have a regret from this week, it's that I didn't reach out more. With God's love bubbling in me, I wish I could have stayed up until 3 in the morning with the girls on my hall. I wish I had sat with different people a bit more during meals. I could have gone a little farther, opened up a little more, when talking with kids about Jesus. I could have instigated those conversations about God, instead of waiting for them to happen. And yet, the good news is that there is more time. God is still working. Great things happened and great things are still to happen. God knows what he's doing and he is bringing everything about in his timing and within his plans.

Finally, I want you to know that God loves you. And when we're little kids, it's fine to say that God's our friend or Dad and he is looking out for us. But as I'm growing up, I'm seeing that God loves me like a faithful husband loves his wife (see Hosea 2:20). It's that real and practical and obvious and even emotional. I want to close with a quote from a book I have yet to read, but I have heard many good things about.

The following quote describes what a romantic relationship should look like from a Christian perspective. See, one of the things that bothered me this past week was that I was the only female counselor who was not dating, taken, or otherwise pursuing a relationship. It drove me crazy for a while. (Have you ever asked, "What is wrong with me?") I will be the first to tell younger girls that they don't need a boyfriend or to encourage a friend who is struggling with her singleness, but I tend to secretly struggle very deeply with my singleness. To be honest, I hate this struggle with a passion. I hate the fear I encounter when I feel alone. I hate the guilty feeling I get when I am uncomfortable with being single. I hate the doubting and questioning that seems to overwhelm me. And broaching this subject is a scary place, because I feel weak when I talk about it. But know this, my heart, know this, my friend, God loves you. He is jealous for a relationship with you. He yearns to be desired by you. Does that make the desire to date go away? Probably not. But for me, it makes the fear subside and the guilt diminish. It makes my heart stop hiding. It makes my eyes see God in more places and my ears a little more attuned to his voice. It makes my soul cease questioning, if only for a few moments of sunshine. It makes me realize what I'm looking for in a guy and keep my emotions from swaying me too far. And, in the end, it allows me to fall in love with Jesus. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true. Okay, here's the quote...

One day she will be running in her lane, relentlessly in pursuit of Jesus, looking ahead and not around, when all of a sudden she will hear him approaching. If he is the one, she will not have to stop running or change her pace, and she won't have to look behind her, because before she knows it, he will be running alongside her. He will grab her hand and they will finish the good race together.

Excerpted from A Man Worth Waiting For, by Jackie Kendall

All of this to say... I realized this week that I'm growing up and falling in love. And its beautiful.

Regrets?

I remember reading through the last pages of a really old yearbook of mine. A girl who was graduating that year had purchased an ad in the "Community Connections" section and dedicated it to her younger brother. She put a couple pictures of them when they were younger and wrote a sweet little note about missing him when she went off to college. Towards the end she told him that she had no regrets about the way she had lived for the past 18 years, and she encouraged him to live with no regrets - to live passionately and whole-heartedly and whatnot.

Those words have haunted me for years.

I believe I was in middle school when that yearbook was published, and at the time, I was recovering from a rejection from my first real crush, an experience that no person ever really gets over, even though I can totally joke about it now. In my pre-teen mind, I wondered how in the world this graduating senior could have survived seven years of middle school and high school without any regrets at all. I had barely survived 7th and 8th grades, and I carried around a badge of "that girl who tried to get the bad-boy to like her" - no kidding.

There must be something in her past that she regrets, I thought. Something she's holding on to, but won't admit.

It's been a long time since I first read that yearbook ad, but I think I've finally realized what that girl was talking about.

There are two kinds of regrets: moments when we have not done something we wish we had and moments when we have done something we wish we had not. Regrets of doing too much and regrets of not doing enough. The difference is remarkable. Sydney Smith, an English Clergyman born in 1771 wrote,

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

By all means, I think he's right. Now, obviously, deciding to go to a drinking party or hang out in a dark, parked car with your boyfriend or girlfriend because you "might miss out" is not what it's talking about. But if it's something beneficial, go for it. Especially when it comes to something God is asking you to do. I don't think I'm the best example, but hey, if you want to go on the mission trip, or start the ministry, or write the book, or befriend the kid, or serve the homeless, or pray for something huge... Do it. Seriously. Someone once challenged me to live like God's answer is yes. If you're running after his heart and you get the feeling to do something, God will see you through. (Even if you "fail" by earthly standards, God's still going to do something awesome.) Don't regret those things you could have done.

To be honest, no one likes to go out and venture for something new and scary, because, honestly, no one wants to fail. There are so many guys who do not pursue or define relationships with girls they are interested in because they are afraid of failing. They are afraid they do not have what it takes (hearken back to Wild at Heart for a minute). There are so many college kids who go home on the weekends or stay in their dorm room all the time, because they are afraid of doing something new and fun and making new friends. By all means, start small. Even if it's eating at a new restaurant or doing your hair a different way. But don't limit yourself. Don't say, "I can't."

The other type of regrets is the type of which I am most afraid. It's doing something and then regretting that you did it. It happens most often when we speak and then realize we shouldn't have. Or when we make a mistake by reacting a certain way or making a certain decision and then wishing we could take it back. I struggled with this for a long time. For me, it felt like if I just stood still long enough, I wouldn't have to make any decisions, and then I'd be fine. But life is a lot of little decisions and some big ones, too... Do I go with him? Do I talk to her? Do I wear this?

The truth is that sometimes you never know if a choice is going to turn out "bad" or "good". And while we're on the subject, what makes something "bad" or good"? Yeah, a decision might have ruined something you considered worthwhile, but it happened. You can't take it back. And God's still working everything out even if you feel like you screwed up everything.

Many times, my kind of regrets stem from this issue: I feel like something happened that I did not want, but instead of stopping it when I had the chance, I wait and let it progress until things get worse, and then I blow up. This is a bad way to live. And then I'm stuck with the regret that I didn't say something when I could have.

You know what? I believe the girl who wrote that ad in the yearbook did have regrets. I know that she dated during high school and I know that she did a lot in high school, but could have done more. I know that she wasn't perfect. But I also know that she didn't let her regrets phase her. She could honestly say, "I'm not living with regrets." Because she wasn't. She had moved on. You can't change the past, but you can change the way you react, the way you act, the way you deal with today.

The cool part comes when you make an effort to move on and God shows you what you've learned because of what happened. Honestly, I can't regret those things because I discovered so much about myself and about people and about God. And I'm so ridiculously excited about moving on, about learning something more, about pursuing and being pursued by God.

A little less than a year ago, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before there was a guy in my life. He's still doing those things. In ways I never expected. Seriously, it's freaking awesome. :)

So, yeah, sometimes I think back on something recent or something from years past and I say "Man, that was stupid." Sometimes it really was stupid. Sometimes it takes a while to see that it really wasn't that stupid after all. Either way, I can't let it bother me. I can't be controlled by what happened.

The process for dealing with issues is simple: Name It, Deal With It, and Move On. Now, actually doing those is painful and takes a long time, but that's how it works. So, learn to deal with it and move on. Don't settle, don't ever compromise, and trust God. Because if anyone knows what they're doing, it's him.