Appointment With Dr. House, Please?

I cannot vouch for any coherence of thought in this post, considering it is after 10pm and I’ve taken medicine, but I wanted to share a bit about what’s going on.

It’s been a really weird week. On Monday, my three-hour night class was shortened to individual 15 minute meetings, which left me slightly unoccupied and worried I was missing something. I’ve had a headache since Tuesday, accompanied by some dizziness and nausea. The doctor I saw at the clinic thinks it might be congestion from sinuses or allergies, so he’s pumping me full of meds and hoping something sticks.

Not only that, but on Tuesday, I spilled my favorite Thai noodles all over my favorite outfit, the couch, and the floor around the microwave in my dorm, before I had even taken a bite. I was so upset. After that, nothing I ate could make me full. Also, a lot of events are happening this weekend, from Thursday night, when high school students came to visit our college, to tonight, when our college has rented out a theater at the local cinema for everyone to watch The Hunger Games. Unfortunately, I have not been able to attend most of these events due to my headache and dizziness.

I’m trying not to complain. Some of my friends have graciously volunteered their time (thank you Tiffany) or their driving abilities (you too, Jeremy and Lula) to help me out.

The problem is that somewhere deep inside, I’m afraid this is not congestion and the medicine is not going to work. Even with some good pain killers, my head and neck still hurt, and I’m pretty sure the antibiotics are not doing anything.

This whole experience is teaching me a lot about being needy, about not being to do things by myself.

I love driving people places. For a while, I considered it my personal ministry to physically bring people to church. I prefer to drive or to ride in the front seat anywhere I go. So, of course, the medicine the doctor prescribes me has specific warnings against operating moving vehicles. It’s hard to be independent when standing up and walking up stairs is a slow and sometimes dizzying process, not to mention not even being allowed to drive!

Yet hasn’t God called us to be utterly dependent on him? We should never be fearful or afraid or weak, but we are never alone and we should never “lean on our own understandings.”

While I’m filling out my application for the Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital’s diagnostic team’s next case, I’m also searching for God. Do I really think I can survive this crazy, messed-up life on my own? Of course not. My hope is found in God alone. Being seen by the great Dr. House would be awesome, but only God can truly heal my spirit and direct my paths.

It's at the point of not knowing that we begin to trust and have faith.

See Psalm 70:5, Isaiah 41:17, and Philippians 4:19.

Awesomeness from Tonight

I think this is the only time (that I can remember) that I have left a large-ish gathering of people feeling energized and refreshed. The trademark of an introvert is that they gain energy from being alone or being in pairs, so it’s weird to enjoy people so much.

But I did and do.

Some awesome things that happened tonight:

• I met my mom halfway between college and home so she could give me some schoolwork and shoes I forgot when I moved back into my dorm. We ate at Waffle House in the middle of a rather “sketchy” part of town, and I had an amazing conversation with my mom, more like friends than a parental role. Those sorts of things are happening more often, now that I’m almost twenty. (What? Almost twenty?)

• And on the way to meet my mom, I felt my car hydroplane a little bit on the very wet roads. I was afraid that the raining would get worse and that the highways would be even more wet, although I once I got to the interstate, it was mostly puddle-free and easy to drive. God is awesome. 

• As I was leaving Waffle House, I stopped to get gas (again, sketchy part of town) and I drove through more rain and some fog. And, of course, the college and its town I was going back to and the situations there that are difficult there came to mind. At the most perfect moment, Chris Tomlin’s “Our God” came on the radio. Wow. Our God is bigger and stronger than the storms of the weather and the storms of our lives. It was a great reminder.

• I drove back to my college town and met some friends at my pastor’s house. We played Rock Band, Catchphrase, and MadGabs and it was an awesome time of fellowship and friendship. We used to get together like that in the past, and I really appreciated the time to be together with my best friends and two beloved mentors. 

• When my fellow college kids and I drove back to campus to make curfew, I happened to be the first person in the succession of cars. It was weird, because I usually drive very slow, and I always feel scrutinized when people I know drive behind me. However, it was actually beneficial tonight. The headlights on my car are not the best, and I actually needed the headlights of the two cars behind me to help me see when I wasn't under streetlights or when I was driving through the fog. Even though the person behind me probably wanted to make fun of my bad driving habits, their presence actually helped me to drive safer, because I could see.

There was no deep spiritual or theological or psychological conversation tonight. It was fun and practical and worthwhile. It was being a daughter. It was being a friend. And I loved it.  I loved listening to the rain on my car windows and learning simple practical lessons about God’s provision and protection. I loved driving almost an hour and a half to meet my mom for dinner. I loved having nothing to do. I loved not being tied to a computer or a phone. I loved. And was loved.

Today, I’m thankful for the people God has placed in my life.

Sometimes I Feel Like a Mess

But, you know what? It's okay! Because when I'm broken and desperate and needy, that is when I realize my need for God. That is when I realize how I'm going nowhere without him. In the New Living Translation, Matthew 5:3 reads, "God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs." It's okay to struggle and it's good to realize that we don't and won't have it all together, because through that we come to understand how great and powerful and forgiving and holy and accepting of us God really is. So, run to him and climb up in his lap and love him and receive his love for you! Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

Along those same lines, I often find myself going through life searching for the next "thing", the next "high", if you will. For many people, life is just a series of events strung one after the other. It follows that "living for the weekend" mindset that you may have noticed in high school or college: life consists of planning parties for next weekend and 'recovering' from parties last weekend.

We even see this in the Christian life. We think that we are truly Christians, or that we're doing it right, during those moments of high intensity in our Christian walk. There's this subconsious idea that, as Christians, those moments where we are completely on fire for God and we see God everywhere are better or "right" and that those times of living in the valley and struggling to see God are not "Christian" or are "wrong". But we forget that life can't lived on an emotional high everyday. We need moments of peace. Also, God may be using the times when you don't necessarily "feel" him as an opportunity to prepare you for something better in life. For example, for me personally, I can see how God is using this moment of singleness (even when being single hurts!) to prepare me for his future for me in regards to dating and marriage. I've learned so much through the struggles that I truly would not trade it for anything.

My friend Tori said it well when she said, "God is just preparing you to be ready for the best." If it's not the best, then it's not from God - and God's "best" usually looks different than mine! Hold out for God's best, trust that he knows what he's doing (because he does!), and use today to learn something. What is God trying to teach you through this experience?

Finally, have patience. Josh Wilson sings, "My friend, you know how this all ends and you know where you're going, you just don't know how you'll get there. So say a prayer. And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God. Life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture." And he's right - it's going to take time, but press on. God loves you and he has a good and perfect plan for your life and he will never fail you.

Maybe there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring better ending. Someday, somehow, you'll see.

- "Before the Morning", by: Josh Wilson

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

- Zephaniah 3:17