"What is Man?" [My Thoughts on Lent]

Stuck between hours of reading, journal responses, and craft nights for Valentine's Day sits something I usually scarcely notice. My desk and the kitchen table are scattered with glittery heart stickers and pink and red hole scraps of paper. There are books everywhere.

My nights are late. When they're not, my mornings are early. And sometimes both.

This is the point of the semester when you prove yourself. It's not yet mid-terms. It's not yet pay-day. The homework level has increased to the typical norm and you must balance your time wisely so you can complete the bigger tasks that lay ahead.

I am not-so-patiently awaiting details on overseas student teaching, acceptance at a summer job, and confirmation for my future. I struggle with feeling alone, again, on Valentine's Day. I struggle with feeling tired too early in the semester. I struggle with keeping a budget when I'm on the five-meal plan. I struggle with freedom.

Today was Ash Wednesday, which marked the beginning of the Lenten season. My college has, in the past couple semesters, introduced a variety of worship styles. Our chapel service this morning was an Ash Wednesday service based on Anglican liturgy. It included Scripture reading, responsive reading, chanting, kneeling, standing, prayers aloud and silently, and the traditional ashen cross. We were given the option of coming forward during the Imposition of Ashes to receive the cross on our foreheads.

While the speaker, a professor here, spoke candidly about how we must not skip ahead to the resurrection too soon, I found myself longing for it desperately throughout the service. It is true that being raised in communities that only barely resemble liturgical churches may have colored my perception of liturgy. However, it seems to me that we can get too easily caught up in guilt and shame and sin that we neglect to act as if and believe that we are forgiven. Having lived in a mindset of legalism, guilt (real and false), and worthlessness for years, I am tired of feeling guilty for my sins any longer. Maybe that is not the appropriate response, but it is exactly how I feel. I don't want to be beaten over the head with rules that make me feel like crap. Don't God and I have a relationship?

Someone once told me that legalism is the natural course of the heart. When we realize we aren't doing it perfectly, we strive to make rules for ourselves so that we will, by our estimation. What we don't understand is that God doesn't want rules and God doesn't want sacrifices. He wants us to do what he says out of love, not out of a fear that we don't, we will be struck down from heaven.

Yet perhaps there is a time and a place for the "Ash Wednesday" phenomenon. I mean, the church calendar has been around for ages and no one really seems to have a huge problem with today's purple and black and ash crosses. Yes, my sinfulness brings me to my knees on many occasions. I guess the problem I have is with "requiring" repentance just because this is the beginning of a season.

I would just like to change the connotation of the Lenten season. Rather than a time of repentance and sad reflection, let this be a time of eager anticipation. Do not fast because it somehow reminds you of the suffering of Christ (how can it even compare?). Fast because it allows you that time to devote to knowing Christ more. And never, by any means, fast because everyone else is doing it. Fast (from anything) because God is telling you to do it.

In the scheme of things, finite man is nothing compared to infinite God. Nothing. But the fact remains that he is deeply in love with us. Why? Because he is delighted in the creation that he chose to create.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

- Psalm 8:3-5

Singleness of Heart

I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently. About how messy they are, how our relationship with God affects other relationships and how other relationships affect our relationship with God, how people shape our lives, for better or for worse. I love seeing the parallels between my relationship with God and the relationship involved in marriage. It's absolutely beautiful.

Along the same lines, remember back two months ago when I first shared about a calling God had given me? (If not, you can read about it here.) Recently, God shook that up a little bit. He whispered to me that maybe it wasn't so much about singleness of relationship status as it was about singleness of heart.

When the people return to their homeland, they will remove every trace of their vile images and detestable idols. And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, so they will obey my decrees and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.

(Ezekiel 11:18-20)

This passage from Ezekiel is describing the Jewish people returning to Jerusalem after the exile. God tells Ezekiel that the people will give up their idolatry. God says that he will bring his people back to focusing on him spiritually and legally. Therefore, singleness of heart means to get rid of anything that even so much as threatens God's place in your life. Anything that breaks that first commandment is out. 

Interestingly, the passage also talks about having a tender and responsive heart. Ladies who are struggling with their emotions tend to think that if only they could just be strong and not weak, they wouldn't succumb to their emotions. Legalistic people often think they are never firm enough and that's why they can't keep their obligations. The fact is that being gentle, tender, open, whatever word you want to use, is good. It's good to be willing to let God use you, to be available to his calling, to let yourself melt when he pursues you. It's good to allow yourself to be responsive to God. 

Friends, are we walking with the Lord so closely that we are devoted to him like a bride is devoted to her soon-to-husband? Are we so patiently listening for his will and so captivated by his words that we will let ourselves be pursued?

God loves you. A ton. He died for you! And the point I'm making is that because he is so awesome and so great, we are called to praise him. One beautiful way to praise him is to allow only Him in our hearts at one time.

It's called singleness of heart. It means that while I don't know what God is doing in my love life and I probably won't want to know, I'm still seeking with everything, and maybe a little more than everything. Do I do it perfect? Nope. Anything but. But I know that God is faithful and that he loves us. No matter what.

Friends, Foes, and Confidants

When I first came to college, I legitimately asked God to make me an extrovert. Most of the girls I met were out being crazy (e.g. Taco Bell runs and hikes to Little Falls) at random hours every evening during Orientation week. I was organizing my room. For the third time. And because introverts are, by definition, usually by themselves, it was just a little bit difficult to make friends.

But I did, praise the Lord, partly because I prayed earnestly for friendships all throughout my senior year of high school, especially second semester. To realize halfway through my freshman year of college that I had developed some amazing friendships literally rocked my world. One day, I posted this line on my tumblr blog: “I’m so in love with these people.”

All fine and dandy, right? Wrong.

Now, please do not misunderstand me. Friends are a blessing, especially for introverts. It is imperative that we understand that God made us for relationships. Ultimately, he made us for a relationship with him (to glorify and enjoy him - Westminster catechism, anyone?) Also, because it was not good for us to be alone, and because one way we can learn about our relationship with God is by having relationships with others, God gave us each other.

The problem comes when we put what God has given us over God Himself. Suddenly, everything is out of order, and that makes for a lopsided life.

I recently began to reevaluate my friendships, because I felt like I was putting friends above God. I also felt like very few of my friends were “doing” friendship the same way I was, and that made me feel even more alone. However, to my friends, it looked like I was literally pushing them away.

How can an introvert evaluate her friendships without looking like she is pushing her friends away?

I don’t know. But I do know that God made us to love each other, even though it’s so messy.

What I’m learning is that philos (friendship love) is going to be messy and yucky sometimes. But we do it anyway, because God said so. And because the rewards of loving one another is beautiful.

The disciple John wrote about love in two of his books. In John 13:35, he says, “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” This is pretty legit. We are called to love each other. I believe that love is the first step towards anything spiritual happening. For example, we must love the unreached and meet their physical needs before we can share Jesus with them. We must love before fear will leave (1 John 4:18). If we hate our Christian brothers and sisters, there’s no way we can love God (1 John 4:20-21).

This is a tough pill to swallow for an introvert, but I would like to let you in on a little secret: Love does not mean you have 47 intimate friends. Love does not mean you can’t also have time alone. Love does not mean you are constantly surrounded by people. Love means you truly care about others (Philippians 2:4). It means you give up yourself for them (John 15:13). It means you notice your friends' love languages and you look for ways to meet them. It means even if you don’t have a coffee date every night of every week, you still make time for people.

And sometimes, it’s okay to be a little extroverted. I’ve started to place an addendum on my introversion status. I say: “Yeah, I’m an introvert... who loves people.”

Lesson from this week: Don’t place anything above God (Exodus 20:3), but don’t stop loving (Luke 10:27).
I wrote earlier about a sacrifice God had called me to make. Recently, I was speaking with someone about it, and they asked me some questions that began to plant doubt in my confidence. I was a little upset, because I was sure that God had called me.

In less than a 30 hour period this week, God gave me two verses about sacrifices. The basic gist from each verse is that God wants my heart more than he wants my sacrifice. I learned that is the reason for my sacrifice: that I would become closer to God. That I would love him and that I would love others. Sometimes God calls us to give up something that is standing in the way of our obedience to the greatest commandments, and that’s why I’m sacrificing.

“To love [God] with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” - Mark 12:33

Turning Twenty... And Other Wrestles

I had a bit of a crisis last night in the library between Charles Dickens’ Best Stories and Europe Since 1715. It had nothing to do with literary and historical classics, but… I’m turning twenty years old this weekend! What?!? Don’t get me wrong, this is super exciting, but it’s a time of transition and change as well. And I usually don’t like transition and change.

I was sitting at my favorite table in the library, filling out an application for a ministry position on campus, when I was just a bit shocked at how quickly I had found myself here. Hasn’t it been less than two years since I cried myself to sleep as a high school senior, wondering what was going to happen when I graduated, moved, and “adopted” an entire stepfamily? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I drove a little red Mercury Cougar with bucket seats? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I was a terrified and naïve eighteen year old with a broken family and a heart yearning for love?

Sometimes I just want to yell, "Look at me now!" I want to find that guy who made fun of me in middle school so I can show him who I’ve become and talk with him about what God can do in people’s lives. I want to remind my dad that I am no longer the eight year old little girl I was when he left and I want to tell him that he can never get back those years of my life. I want to actually do the great and wonderful things that my shyness and insecurities kept me from doing years ago.

One of the things I’ve wrestled with when it comes to my birthday is my singleness. For one, God has been showing me amazing things about singleness and sacrifice since my last post. That’s been really good. The problem, however, is that I honestly have not been living and thinking in ways I know I should and in ways that will glorify God. I mean, I have worked to maintain outward displays of purity and joyfulness in singleness, but I am not living with singleness of heart. My heart is not thinking on that which is noble and pure and true and my mind is not full of the glories of my Savior. It is often on two things: Complaining about being "alone" and dwelling on the "potentials" of a relationship.

This makes me upset. God has specifically called me to singleness for this current season, for the next while of my life, and I’ve discovered my heart is set on anything but Him. That should be my point! When we sacrifice what is good, we do so for the whole purpose of gaining that which is best (namely, God). So, if we participate in something like Lent or a personal sacrifice, we must replace what we give up with God, especially more time in his presence and more time meditating on him.

I guess I had some kind of unspoken plan to date while I was still a teenager. Leaving that behind has been weird. It’s a bit like the first time I realized I wasn’t going to be kissed in high school. I’m saving my first kiss for when I get engaged, so that eliminates that opportunity. It really was not a big deal, but it made me think. Now, I’m wondering how long God’s command that I sacrifice my desire to date will be. At this rate, I’m doing a very bad job at it, and God just might call me to surrender dating for a while. Am I okay with that? Well, when it comes to God, I have to be. Assuming that the Creator of the universe actually gave me life and knows how best to live it, I shouldn’t have much of a problem trusting his plans for my life, my entire life, even my love life.

But I do. I do have problems trusting him.

I have a problem when I see yet another couple is displaying way too much physical affection. I have a problem when I don’t pay attention to God’s consistent pursuit of my heart because I chalk it up to coincidence. I have a problem when I hear stories of the not-so-smart actions of girls and guys when it comes to romantic relationships.

This problem is more like a heart cry of mine, focused on the brokenness between people, especially in male/female relationships. A female friend and I talked the other night, completely broken over the hurt we have encountered in relationships with our dads, brothers, guy friends, and male spiritual leaders. There’s a lot of hurt there. I told her that I was striving with every bit of me to believe that there are strong Godly men who are spiritual leaders. Yet after struggling with the pain of broken relationships, believing that is so difficult.

That’s a problem I encounter when it comes to trusting in God. Now, the good news is that we must give God time to shape our future spouses. We wouldn’t want to begin dating them until God has shaped us, too.

And I think that’s my point.

Are we passionately in love with the God who pursues us and loves us with everything? I’ve come to realize that we cannot and should not begin a dating relationship until we are passionately in love with him. This does not mean that we never date. This does not mean that we are hopeless. This simply means that we get some things straight before we involve other person. We must be able to worship and serve God and love doing it. We must find out some things about ourselves, like what makes us tick and what gives us energy, before we try to find that in another person. We must pray and fast and embrace silence and read the Word and every other spiritual discipline. We must learn to love all our brothers and sisters. We must give and give freely of ourselves and our time and our love. And I believe we must have heartache along the way. No one is ready for a dating relationship unless they have been hurt and caused hurt in the past and have come to terms with it and moved. It’s essential.

Is your faith your own? Is your God your own? Do you love him?

I wrote a fictional (but largely based on actual events) post that was themed like a Q and A session with God. I asked God why I was still single. He asked me if I loved him. I hope and pray that we would dive deeper into him, take our pain and joys to him, and worship him fully. That’s why we’re here.

Even at twenty years old and never dated, that's still why I'm here. A woman's highest calling is the same as a man's, regardless of occupation, station, or relationship status... to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Sacrifices

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

(1 Peter 2:9)

I have never officially participated in Lent, the 40 days of fasting before Easter, but I have made spiritual decisions for my life that correspond with lent for the past two years. So far this year, God has been doing some amazingly awesome stuff, which has contributed to what I’m doing for a personal rendition of Lent.

For one, this past Thursday, God gave reconciliation to a friendship of mine. It was pretty much unexpected and surprising. I was convinced people could not change, but I was reminded that when God gets a hold of someone who is open, awesome things happen. That reconciliation was an answer to prayer and I know God is going to do great things with this friend’s life.

Friday, the next day, I went hiking and “swimming” with some awesome friends. After dinner, I went back to my room, but it was Friday, so I didn’t want to do any homework or hang out alone. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anyone to hang out with, but I began to sense that I needed and wanted to spend time with God. So, I grabbed my Bible, journal, and iPod and headed to the campus prayer room, where I turned up the worship music so loud the walls were shaking. That whole worship experience was amazing. It was almost two and a half hours of singing, Scripture reading, artsy-crafty worship, and dancing (yes, dancing can be worship, too!). It was good communion with God.

And then, out of the blue, some thoughts popped up. Not immoral thoughts, just a realization. I realized that guys who love Jesus are attractive. Not sure why it took me so long to get it... just kidding! Anyway, I was so taken aback by the suddenness of these thoughts I honestly did not know what to do with them; I immediately turned them over to God. Obviously, it’s not wrong for women to be attracted to Godly men, but this was worship time. I have come to understand that my focus should be always be on God over and above what God has created, even if it’s good.

This simple and somewhat naïve action this past Friday started an entire personal lent movement. When I went to God with the realization, he asked me make a sacrifice. He asked me to sacrifice my desire to date and get married. Almost immediately, Genesis chapter 22 (where Abraham attempts to sacrifice Isaac) came to mind and I knew that’s what God wanted me to do.

Even though I’m making this sacrifice, I believe I will still get married. Abraham knew and believed his descendents would come from Isaac, but he was still able and ready to obey God and sacrifice Isaac (see Hebrews 11:17-19). The point and meaning of this sacrifice is that I will make a conscious and intentional effort to focus on God and my relationship with Him instead of the worries, doubts, and fears that come with potentially entering the realm of dating. 

Believe me when I say that guys who obviously love Jesus are incredibly attractive to me. What a blessing from the Lord to feel that way! We are human beings after all. Yet I know God is calling me to singleness for this time. I know, because he has asked me to hold my relationship with him so close that a dating relationship cannot be in the picture yet.

Towards the end of my first semester of freshman year, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before he brought a guy into my life. I asked for those things, and slowly, God revealed them. Most of them were ministry opportunities or personal development opportunities that could be best taken as a single person. When I returned to school this January, I looked back over what I was doing and I realized none of those things were in my life anymore. Suddenly, I questioned God’s providence. Was he calling me to remain single or to date? Now, with this new revelation of sacrifice, I am convinced again of God’s purposes and providence. He has a plan for my life and he is doing great things. Awesome things.

The prayer team on my college’s campus has organized a 24/7 Bible Reading, in which students and staff of the college sign up to read from the Bible for 24 hours a day as many days as it takes to read the entire Bible, which is actually going to be less than seven days. We’ve done the same thing with prayer before. Last night, I went to listen to whomever was reading, but I ended up filling in for an hour for someone who missed their shift. I was reading Psalms and I kept breaking out in song every few chapters. It was raining, so I kept singing “And I believe You will come like the rain” from Jesus Culture, as well as any songs I thought of when I read the Psalms. It was pretty amazing. I left that hour, after reading, praying, and singing the Word, very fulfilled. I prayed for rain and for God to come like Hosea 6:3 says.

The funny thing is, we sang “You’ll Come” by Hillsong in chapel today. The chorus is about both rain and God coming to us, and I knew it was no coincidence that it lined up perfectly with what I prayed for last night. And it did rain today, it was just misty instead of drenching. I began to see that God’s pursuit of me is definitely not a coincidence, but that it is real and consistent, but more than that, it is gentle, like misty rain. I am reminded that God’s love is strong. How can something so often thought of as weak and mushy be strong? I think it’s in the same way that God’s pursuit of his bride is both furious and gentle at the same time.

My point is that in “giving up” the dating desire (and taking practical steps to reduce the temptation I encounter to worry about or lust over a potential relationship), I am making the effort to grow closer to God and to listen to him as he is pursuing me. So, yeah, in some way, this is what I’m giving up for Lent. And this semester. And this summer. And probably this entire year. And who knows how long. Because my relationship with the God of the universe matters so much than getting married and having kids. Don’t get me wrong, I desperately desire to get married and have kids one day, but that cannot be my focus. I can’t go to college to get my MRS degree, because that’s ridiculous. I must ask myself: who am I focusing on?

Maybe, if you’ve read this far, you’re wondering why I put 1 Peter 2:9 as the opening for this post. Honestly, I do not know. All I know is that within a couple hours on Monday night, I heard this verse twice from two different people in two completely different contexts. I am asking God to show me what he wants me to gather from this verse.  I know for sure that God is doing great things and, as his child, I am privileged to be a part of them. To be loved by the God of the universe so much that he calls you his holy priesthood is pretty amazing stuff. He loves you.

Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City" or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God,” for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

(Isaiah 62:4)