Be Careful What You Pray For

The weather's changing, which always makes me start feeling a little more. Sometimes it's feeling empty and alone, sometimes refreshed and in love with God.

College is awesome as always, although I'm constantly comparing each semester. Last year, especially last semester, I was so busy and stressed that I really had to trust God. I depended on God for so much - every minute I needed to study, every quarter I needed for laundry, every hour I needed for work, every friendship I needed for community. It was intense, because sometimes I wasn't sure of hardly anything.

In addition, the majority of the stress was my own fault. No one needs three leadership positions, a student ministry, 15 hours of work, and 5 classes. Looking back, I see now how a lot of that was an attempt to stifle what I was actually trying to work towards. I've written it about before, but one of the ways that women try to cope with emotional wounds is by becoming driven, dominating, and busy. She hides behind everything she has to do. While I was saying I was striving for dedicated, deep friendships and an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, I was painfully running away from those by having too much to do all the time.

Which brings me to my next point. When I was as busy as I was last semester, I rarely stayed very late after my Thursday night ministry (a small group for my fellow college kids). I just didn't have the time, and I was exhausted from all the late nights I had already pulled that week.

But this past week, as this ministry resumed this semester, the leadership team bathed each other and the night in prayer shortly before we started. The four of us went around in a circle praying for God to reveal himself, for great things to happen, for people to come to a deeper relationship with God. It was great. When it was my turn, I prayed this amazingly dangerous prayer... I asked God to "wreck our schedules."

If you don't know me very well, I am a schedule freak. Literally, I have my calendar on my phone. I have my weekly schedule (a color-coordinated Excel Document) taped to the side of my desk. I have a sticky note on my desk that I replace every week with that week's homework assignments. I started wearing a watch last summer, and checking it has been both a life-saver and an annoying habit. So, for me to pray for God to "wreck our schedules" was a really big deal.

In fact, God answered that prayer. Our worship leaders ended up substituting a couple songs on the set list, cutting out a song I love. There was a shift in our notes, and my co-leader and I ended up jumping ahead, then having to come back around to the points we missed. For closing worship, one of our worship leaders lead us outside to sit and lay in the grass as we worshiped. God answered that prayer! Tangibly!

...And I was so angry.

I honestly do not know why. I've been asking for God to do something. I've been asking for answers to prayer and trying to look for them. So when God did something that I could actually see, I don't know why, but I became upset. Angry. Disoriented. I couldn't name the feeling.

After our ministry was over and everyone left, I sat on the edge of the stage beside my co-leader and two other friends, surrounded by their compassion, as they held my hands or touched my shoulders. And I prayed. Real, honest prayer. Half the time, I forgot they were there. I prayed that I would learn to trust. I prayed for each aspect of life that I wasn't trusting God with: church, homework, friendships, singleness, etc. I asked for forgiveness for being upset with what God was doing. We sang a couple songs together. Later that night, recounting the story to my current and former roommates, I cried.

God, I'm so messed up. Why do you love me?

Because I choose to.

The title of this post is kind of a joke, because we should be praying with abandon, praising and confessing to God, not simply repeating a laundry list of requests. So chill out. Stop running. During first semester, God kept telling me, "Alex, stop and let me love you." When we have some time to stop and breathe Him in, we'll actually hear what God is saying. And what a beautiful time to listen to Him than early autumn.

Living Life Like I Control It All = Ridiculous

God, I hate that I hate.

And I'm disappointed that I feel disappointed.

I feel upset and uneasy over the fact that I'm upset. And uneasy.

I regret that I have regrets. I wish I didn't wish for so much. It would be nice if I was nicer.

It it were up to me, everything would be peachy keen and soft and sweet. But what I once longed for is never coming to fruition.

But what is God doing? Here I go again, living life like I control it all!

Hey, you. Yeah, you. God has a plan for your life. God has a purpose. God is working all things out for your good, because you love him and have been called according to his purpose. You are not struggling through this world on your own. So hope for the best and keep on keeping on. Don't get so bogged down in the little things of life.

Imagine the unimaginable! Try to fathom the unbelievable. That's what God wants to do in your life, your school, your workplace, your city, your state, your country, and in this world.

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

(Ephesians 3:20-21, MSG)

Selfless Living

When was the last time you gave of yourself to serve someone else selflessly? It could be an organized service project or a spur of the moment decision to love. It could be a global initiative for missions or a consistent effort to brighten your roommate's day. It could be listening to a friend's concerns and needs or feeding a hungry child. It could be anything where you give of yourself and become nothing so someone else can be blessed. Philippians 2:3 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." I think that's what I'm getting at.

It's like this: I've got homework, I'm tired, I feel a headache coming on, and I'm hungry, but a friend comes into my room needing help, and I must be selfless and listen to her and give her advice.

Or: Despite my work and school obligations, one of my classes is doing a service project and I'm required to be there. Do I show up late and with an attitude? Or do I strive to get there as soon as I can and demonstrate a servant's heart?

Or: I totally forget about something a friend is struggling with and I bring up related, awkward topics without considering the effect it might have. Why do I do that?

Because I'm sinful. Paul said, "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate." (Romans 7:15) But guess what? Christ, living in me, through the Spirit, can do fantastic things, such as selfless living. When I give everything I am and have and desire to God, he can use it for great things to bless others and further his kingdom. Your longings and fears and desires and family situation and past and relationships and circumstances and plans are not coincidence. Let God use them for His glory.

Listen, God will never take something away from you without giving you something better. God works everything out for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) and he will give you what is good (Matthew 7:9-11).

Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.

Romans 6:13-14, NLT

How God Changed My Mind

Earlier today I had every intention of finding a moment where I could speak to God one on one and tell him everything that was going on and how I felt about it. I was going to tell him about the person who had hurt my feelings, the "intense" stress I was going through, the immaturity I had encountered at one point, as well as my personal triumphs and the reasons I was better than someone else. It was going to be my rave and rant session with God.

But God had different plans. Very slowly, as I was finishing up my evening, God spoke to me. Instead of my ostentatious spiel about me, God revealed my need for selflessness. Here I was, focusing on everything I desired, everything I deserved, everything I needed God to do for me, and God said "Love me with everything you are and everything you have and love your neighbor more than you love yourself".

I was shocked. One part of me wanted to ask God how he could just command that from me. And then I realized he was... well, God. God's got a purpose and a plan and my concern for only myself cannot be used by God to bring good in and through my life.

It took me visiting the prayer room in my dorm, opening up to God, and seeing the need there was for genuine love amongst siblings in Christ for me to realize that I wasn't loving the way I should. There are so many hurting, spiritually hungry, exhausted, afraid, empty, lonely, and disappointed people in this world, both Christians and non-Christians. I have to be loving them.

One last thing, we cannot truly love by ourselves. Do you know how hard it is to love someone unconditionally? But if we open our hearts to God, he will love the people around us and show us how to love them in return. Just be willing and open to love those God puts in your path.