How Ropes Taught Me Patience

As of yesterday, I have been here at camp in Alabama for one month. When this current week comes to a close, I will be half way through the summer, halfway through my job working here at a camp for girls. How did it go by so fast?

A long time ago, it seems, when I was in counseling with a Christian counselor at my college, the question was posed: "Do you love yourself?" Now, I grew up being taught that JOY comes from loving Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last. So I kind of shrugged off the question and moved on, going on about the fact that I like who I am becoming or something equally strange and cheesy. Whatever.

Yet my counselor kept going back to the question. Later, or in different sessions, or the next semester, he would ask. Again. "Do you love yourself?" 

So I asked what that meant. Aren't I always supposed to put myself last? I asked God to show me why I needed to love myself and how I could do so. You can see some of the posts I've written about the realization <a href="http://losingmyselfblog.blogspot.com/search/label/love%20yourself">here</a>, but to summarize, I learned that 1 Corinthians 13 applies to me too. The adjectives in that chapter should define the way that I treat others and the way that I treat myself.

Fast forward to camp. My very first week in Alabama was staff orientation, and I began training on the ropes course. My goodness, that was tough! It was several hours each day (usually 9am-4pm) of not only training on each element, but also going on each element multiple times so everyone had a chance to train well. I was exhausted. One afternoon, while I was training high in the zip line tree with my friend Ali, I was taking a little longer than some of the other trainees. Ali remarked between participants that I was being really patient with myself. 

I don't think I realized it at the time, but it came to me slowly later. And I almost broke down. I was being patient with myself. Patient. You know what love is? "Love is patient, love is kind..." I was astounded. Here I am, learning how to love myself 50 feet up in the air. 

A couple weeks later, when I was asked to train in the rappelling wall window for the advanced class, I mentioned to my friend Kat, who has been doing ropes for a number of years, that ropes course is teaching me to be patient with myself. And as I continued to train, it was proven true. You must remember each specific aspect of the element; which way to clip into a harness and when to flip the carabiner; which way to turn and hold the belay device; when to use a screw gate, a rapid link, or an auto lock; how to get the best helmet adjustment, etc, etc. Yes, a lot of it becomes muscle memory after a while, but like I said in introductions for this new group of campers, I've been doing ropes for an entire four weeks. I have noticed improvements, such as the amount of time it takes me to five point check a camper and clip in my belay device or my ability to get a helmet fitting just right, but I am still learning. I am so grateful for the people I work with who challenge and encourage me and make me keep trying. 

I am thankful that this often difficult experience occurred at this time in my life. I am grateful for all the times I have learned to overcome and press on and achieve things I thought I could never do. And I'm grateful that I have learned one way to love myself: and that that is to be patient.

Impossible

It's become almost like a curse word to me now: the "i" word. Let me explain...

My last full day in Asia, my own shortsightedness and humanity hit me in the face. For all my group's previous large-group meetings, we had been in a fairly big room with a projector, floor to ceiling windows, and several rows of chairs. Yet for some reason, we were scheduled to gather in a much smaller room for our final meeting. My roommate and I arrived around 8 minutes early to find the room empty, save for a few scattered tables. We were very confused.

A minute later, a man arrived who would be conducting part of the meeting. He clarified who he was and that this was the room we were meeting in, and then he asked for our help to arrange the room. We began folding tables and unstacking chairs as more people arrived. Soon, there were at least ten of us arranging rows and occasionally pausing to count the chairs.

The entire time, I kept saying to myself and, even more unfortunately, to the people around me: "This is not going to work. There isn't enough room. This area is too small. How are we going to fit more than seventy people in here?" I remember once, leaning over to my roommate and saying a bit too loudly, "This is just impossible."

Less than ten minutes later, the room was arranged and seating was provided for more than seventy people.

When I realized what had just happened, I felt extremely humiliated. I found a seat on the second row and sat down, feeling awkward and probably blushing a bit. The good news is that the man who had asked us to help wasn't bothered at all by my doubt, and he struck up a conversation with me before the meeting started.

It occurred to me later that God did a lot of impossible things this summer. I mean, seriously, I lived half-way around the world for more than five weeks and not only survived, but loved it. My team and I led, organized, and taught a three-week English camp to almost 200 Asian teenagers. I built friendships with my team, my students, and a bunch of Lao college kids that I hope will be lasting. I saw the need for prayer and some methods of prayer and I discovered the importance of intentionality in relationships. I lost my wallet, but thankfully not my ID or passport, and I received my replacement debit card in the mail in perfect timing. And, with about 9 other people, I set up seventy chairs in a room which I thought could not hold that many people.

And I realized: Nothing is impossible for God. When I'm putting my trust in the Almighty Father, He is truly that: All. Mighty. Omnipotent. Can't the One who created the world also work in the world? He is not a hands-off God, He is an active and present and all-knowing God.

Nothing is impossible for Him. He works everything out in His ways and with His provision. We may feel as if that limits Him, but it doesn't. It only shows his greatness and omnipotence. I guess I should stop saying that things are impossible. Saying that just proves that I am not trusting my Father. "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)

What I'm Listening To:

"Grace" - Tenth Avenue North

"You Do All Things Well" - Tenth Avenue North

Doing the Impossible

Paul instructs us to “never tire of doing good” in second Thessalonians. Taken at its simplest, this is still incredible instruction. Doing what is good is more difficult than doing what is right, which is even more difficult than just not doing what is wrong. Think about that for a minute.

Now, are we trying to do what is good and right and trying to not do what is wrong and bad out of our own power? I would argue that we are.

I know for me, I have a consistent problem of trying to do everything on my own, in my own power, alone. I suffered at the beginning of last semester with the mindset that I could survive sophomore year without any help. It was actually kind of stupid. About the time midterms hit, God whispered, “Alex, stop hiding.” When I realized, with help, what I was hiding from, I was ashamed. I was hiding from my friends, my core, the people I had learned to love and rely on during freshman year.

So on the Tuesday before Midterm exams, I was confronted with the need to start over, to come to terms with the realization that I needed my friends. I began the process of reestablishing good friendships and redefining not-so-good ones. It’s not over yet, I know. After almost ignoring the connections I had with my core for a few months, getting things back with them is very difficult, especially now that I live two floors away from some of them.

The point I’m making is that I realized I could not do this semester, the year, even that week before midterms, without people. We need each other, if you haven’t realized. And we need God. Because we can’t do life, especially the Christian life without Him.

First Thessalonians 5:23-24 reads:

Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.

My devotional for today featured verse 23 and discussed the importance of being blameless before God. As I read it this morning, I immediately became defensive. I don’t know about you, but I am not blameless. I mess up every day in ways I cannot make excuses for. I’m so often ashamed of my inability to just behave, to just do things right. It’s a Romans 7 struggle I'm not happy about. I was suddenly resentful of the devotional reading on blamelessness because I knew I could not be blameless on my own.

But isn’t that why my Savior died for me? Our blameless king became a servant and took our blame so we could live. “…[H]e has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.” (Colossians 1:22)

So when I opened my Bible and found the next verse, I Thessalonians 5:24, I almost cried. It says that GOD will "make me blameless" and "holy," without fault, because "he who calls me is faithful." Since this past Easter, my Savior has been pouring his faithfulness onto me. It’s one of the ways he romances and show his love for me. And to know that I am not the one making myself pure and blameless is amazing. God is making me pure and blameless. Yes, I should never tire of doing good, but it is God who changes my heart so I can do that which is good.

We must stop trying to do life on our own; we must realize our need for Him and depend on Him for everything, even the ability to live and live in Christ.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” – Philippians 1:6

Living Life Like I Control It All = Ridiculous

God, I hate that I hate.

And I'm disappointed that I feel disappointed.

I feel upset and uneasy over the fact that I'm upset. And uneasy.

I regret that I have regrets. I wish I didn't wish for so much. It would be nice if I was nicer.

It it were up to me, everything would be peachy keen and soft and sweet. But what I once longed for is never coming to fruition.

But what is God doing? Here I go again, living life like I control it all!

Hey, you. Yeah, you. God has a plan for your life. God has a purpose. God is working all things out for your good, because you love him and have been called according to his purpose. You are not struggling through this world on your own. So hope for the best and keep on keeping on. Don't get so bogged down in the little things of life.

Imagine the unimaginable! Try to fathom the unbelievable. That's what God wants to do in your life, your school, your workplace, your city, your state, your country, and in this world.

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

(Ephesians 3:20-21, MSG)

Temple Tuesday

A few years ago, I started to read the book of Psalm, a chapter a day. I started with good intentions, but my plan fell through because I didn't feel like I could relate to the Psalms. David and the other authors of the Psalms wrote about lions, enemies on the hunt for them, wars, political strife, personal crises, and more. Personally, I wasn't being pursued by vicious enemies who wanted to torture and kill me.

Towards the end of this summer, however, I started reading Psalm again. And this time there was a huge difference. As I entered college, I began to identify these enemies David struggled with in my own life. Things like stress, worry, fear, and the feeling that surviving my challenges are impossible... Those are my "enemies". Those are the "people" who I feel are chasing me, hunting me, enveloping me.

For example, on my first day of classes, I was overwhelmed, God gave me the sixteenth chapter of Psalm. It was next in my regular reading schedule, but it really, really spoke to me. I was worried, and I was afraid, and David wrote the words I needed to make it through the day. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak these words to your heart.

Keep me safe, O God,
for I have come to you for refuge.
I said to the Lord, “You are my Master!
Every good thing I have comes from you.”
The godly people in the land
are my true heroes!
I take pleasure in them!
Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.
I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood
or even speak the names of their gods.

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.
You guard all that is mine.
The land you have given me is a pleasant land.
What a wonderful inheritance!
I will bless the Lord who guides me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I know the Lord is always with me.
I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
My body rests in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead
or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
You will show me the way of life,
granting me the joy of your presence
and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Psalm 16:1-11

God, Why is it so hard to...

...trust you?
Why is it so hard to just let go?
Why is it so hard to give it all to you?
Why is it so hard to place my life in your hands?

I can give you one issue. I can ask you one question. I can reveal to you one wound.
But you can't have all of me.
Why?

There are so many things coming up that I'm unsure about. Maybe it takes an unsure moment to demonstrate trust, to develop faith.
My Sunday School days taught me that faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". It's ringing in my ears because someone taught me years ago.
But, in all practicality, how can I be certain of what I cannot see? That's like saying, "I'm certain there's a little village over that hill." How can I say that? Because in Disney movies, there's always a little village on the other side of a hill? Because I want there to be a little village over there? Because someone told me there's a village - I just haven't seen it with my own eyes yet?
I'm going to go with the last one.

God, you told me you'd never leave me nor forsake me (Joshua 1:9 - another gem from Sunday School). You told me to be strong and courageous. You told me you would supply every need I have (Phillipians 4:19). You told me your grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). Do I believe You? God, my amazing, incredible, outstanding, extraordinary, Almighty God... Do I believe you?
Why not?

If the Creator of the universe promised He loved you and would never leave you, would you believe him?
Yes, outside circumstances might prompt you to doubt. It's normal to doubt. We put a lot of stock into what our parents do, and the abandonment of a parent might cause you to fret about God one day abandoning you. That's normal.
But God is not normal. He's super-normal, supernatural, and phenomenal. His word is final and absoute. 2 Samuel 22:31 says, "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." 1 Kings 8:56 tells of a specific example, "Praise be to the LORD, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses."

1 Chronicles 16:10-17 explains,

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,

O descendants of Israel his servant, O sons of Jacob, his chosen ones.

He is the LORD our God; his judgments are in all the earth.

He remembers his covenant forever, the word he commanded, for a thousand generations,

the covenant he made with Abraham, the oath he swore to Isaac.

He confirmed it to Jacob as a decree, to Israel as an everlasting covenant...

If you can't trust God, whose words are documented and verified a thousand times over, who can you trust?

What really matters?

Years from now, will it really matter who I went to prom with?

When I'm standing there in my green cap and gown, will it matter if I had a date in high school?

When I set foot on the TFC campus, will it matter if I wore a $400 dress or a $100 dress to prom?

When I stand in the front of a classroom and teach twenty-something teenagers about English literature, will it matter if I was the most popular girl in school?

Walking down the aisle to stand beside the man I'll spend the rest of my life with, will I really care if I wasn't Homecoming Queen or Student Body President? I mean, honestly!

Neither a resume nor a boyfriend make you a better person or a stronger Christian.

But with a heart wholly devoted to God, nothing is impossible.