The Rescue

I knew there was a problem when it was 1 am and I was still on my computer, following some drama play out on Facebook. The thing about relationships is that they are messy, and if I didn't know better, I'd stay as far away from all relationships as possible. Thankfully, the blessings of good relationships supersede the troubles of even the worst, and we can rejoice in those.

I sit here reminded of friends of mine who are fearful and broken tonight. Near the end of the semester, a good friend and next-door neighbor dealt with problems in her family. Her uncle had contracted a severe illness and is still in the hospital, though regaining his abilities to speak and move. Then between Thanksgiving and Christmas break, her grandmother (her dad and uncle's mom) passed away. She was struggling with the hurt. I got a text from another friend yesterday that her great-grandmother, who has been in hospice, took a turn for the worse. Then today I got a Facebook message from a third friend whose grandfather is at risk for his second heart attack in a week and it doesn't look good.

While praying for and thinking about these friends who are hurting tonight over the fear of the unknown, a song came on my iTunes shuffle that seemed to fill the room. I've written earlier about music: how songs bring back memories and how sometimes those memories get altered or replaced. This case is similar. "The Rescue" is about a guy who is offering comfort and rescue to a girl who has been hurt, but it carries a symbolic meaning of God rescuing his beloved, even ending with the lyrics to "Amazing Grace."

It took a minute to break through, but I realized that God was changing my perception of this song. For so long, it has only served to remind me of a relationship that went south. Yet when I realize that God can redeem not only my heart, but also this song, I see his rescue available for my friends. He can take these notes and these lyrics and give them a new meaning. It is not really replacing what they used to remind me of, but rather, providing a new layer of meaning.

It is in that sense of rescue, beautiful rescue, when I realize this is a community thing. "Community" is that sense of partnership and in-it-together-ness that encircles us when we feel loved and supported and held by fellow believers around us. Community is what Hebrews 12:1 is referencing (and what Hebrews 11 is proving). Community is the body of Christ coming alongside each other, to do what Romans 12:15 is commanding.  Community is the reason and the opportunity for accountability. Community is what happens (for me, at least), during impromptu hand-holding prayer and within acoustic worship sessions and when friends stop to ask how you're doing and really listen.

And I've always thought of rescue as a singular deal. One person getting rescued by God. Alone. I guess that stems from my similar belief that salvation should also be an alone deal. It's the reason I hate altar calls. Why would I want to go up to the front, not only where can people see me, but also where some person I don't know is waiting to lay hands on me and ask God for something generic for me?

Maybe there is a sense of community in rescue. After a year of counseling, I firmly believe that Christian counseling should be an extension of the body of Christ, i.e. community. It's two Christians coming together to discuss and navigate pain. If counseling is not a form of rescue, I don't know what is!

Not only is counseling a form of rescue, but I also believe intercession prayer is as well. I've never been good at intercession. I mean, I know it doesn't really count as a talent or a hobby, but I have never really learned how to do it right or even disciplined myself enough to get a good amount of practice in it. I typically say the generic things ("I ask that You be with my friends") and not much more. However, today, I sent a prayer over text to my friend whose grandfather is in the hospital. That was unique in itself. But something else was different for me: I prayed a character quality of God and a Bible verse. Suddenly, the focus of that conversation with God was not on me or on my friend or even on his troubles, but it was on God. And that felt so freeing. In that moment, it didn't matter how the prayer affected my friend or his family, it mattered that God was praised and uplifted and acknowledged as omnipotent and omniscient King. Then once God was praised and I rejoiced in that, I got a reply from my friend and was able to rejoice in that as well. Rescue became a joint act. I got to play a small part in God's work in my friend's life.

Christian college kids everywhere can identify, but it is typically over breaks when I feel the least supported. Everyone is at home, doing their own things, and I live more than 45 minutes from any friends. Community is hard to come by and Satan is easy to listen to.

But the wonderful God we serve caught my attention earlier this break with significant themes in the devotional I've been using. Two days in a row, I saw themes of blindness and deafness, with Jesus providing healing and asking the people to watch him and listen to him. I thought about it for a while and could not figure out why it stuck out to me. The thing is, God provides community even when we're all home on breaks. Friends who call, text, and e-mail, (and who respond to mine) are such encouragements during this time. In addition, being able to be with my family (who have finally started attending a good church regularly!) provides community as well. He is speaking; are we listening? Have we opened our eyes to God and shut them to Satan?

God is in the redeeming and rescuing business, and many times He uses his children to minister to others of his children. Keep your eyes and ears open. After going through a difficult time, he may just use you to provide comfort and offer rescue to your brother or sister.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

What I'm Listening To:

"The Rescue" - Tyler Ward

"Hallelujah" - Tenth Avenue North

"I Will Wait" - Mumford and Sons

"Like An Avalanche" - Hillsong

Pages from My Asia Notebook (Part 2)

This post contains two passages from the journal I took to Asia. This is part two of two. I hope you'll see that living overseas is hard, but that God shows up in big ways.

7/24/12
I'm learning a lot about selflessness so far. I mean, the trip and the city and the food are new and exciting for a time. And then all that wears off and you're left with tired feet, unorganized lesson plans, lost wallets, janitors who throw your classroom decorations away, a difficult conversation, a language and culture you can't decipher, people who aren't speaking your love language, unresponsive students, buses that never come, a chipped tooth, a level 10 typhoon, a night you're unable to sleep, cravings for a restaurant on the other side of the world, a difficult provided Bible study, and a wondering in your heart if your students will ever see His love. It's not easy.
When the fun and excitement wears off, His love remains. His people remain. Relationships (with the Creator of the world first and with the community He's given us after that) are what surpass country lines and culture shock. They will provide for us to push through the difficulties and trust His faithfulness even in the bleak times, even when we worry or doubt or fear. He's there no matter where we are, at home or half way around the world, loving us just the same, desiring to work through us just the same.

7/26/12

I've had "I Believe You Will Come Like the Rain" stuck in my head for days now. It rains everyday here. 

Paul could tell the Philippians honestly, "...Everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News" (Phil 1:12). He didn't know (at the time all the crap was happening) that all of it would work perfectly together to bring about the Good News. And he probably never saw it working together perfectly with his own eyes. But he believed the Father.

I don't know how my life is going to work out. Honestly, I don't know. It's scary. But God is good. He works everything out for my good and His glory, so the Good News will be spread.

That God of ours, He works everything out for good and glory. We are called to let Him use us. And He is faithful to equip us for the work to which He's called us.

My Call to Go

One of the things I love most about being home for the summer is sitting around the dining room table with my family. Usually there’s something funny going on: someone is either getting picked on or just said or did something hilarious or is telling a funny story from their day.

My stepdad recently buzzed my brother’s hair, I got a trim today, and my mom is getting her hair cut tomorrow, so we recently discussed hair styles. In a bit of humor, my stepdad told me to get a crazy hairstyle before I go to Asia, so that it will catch on. Casually, he remarked that “when [I] go back in three years,” everyone in Asia will be wearing their hair like that.

When I go back in three years? Wait… 

And that’s when I felt it. That little pinprick in my heart. Kinda like a cross between a jolt of electricity and the flap of a butterfly’s wing. Or perhaps it’s easier described as a push or poke or a bright light, maybe? (It sounded like this to Abraham and smelled like smoke for Moses.)

It’s happened to me a couple times. My heart skips a beat, my peripheral vision clouds over, I can’t breathe.

Sometimes it happens when God is calling me to say something. Or not to say something. But I’ve felt it strongest when God is speaking to me. It can happen in the midst of a worship session or in a random conversation. I felt it, just for a second, at the dinner table the other night.

Sometimes it’s clear like it was at dinner. That moment during May of my freshman year when God all but audibly called me to my vocation (teaching), was more than distinct. I cried walking down the hallway with a bunch of eighth graders. When God called me to intentional singleness last February, I was sitting in the prayer room on my college campus and I felt it inside. There’s no way I could pretend I didn’t hear what God said to me.

Other times, it’s been less noticeable. I can’t remember one specific moment when God called me to Asia, and I still don’t know if I'll ever serve in Asia long-term. But my heart is hugely with Asia for this summer. I knew in May 2011 that God called me to be a teacher, and I am drawn towards late middle school / early high school, which is what led me to volunteer with the organization I’m serving with this summer. Then Asia came into the picture, because that’s where the organization works. So I said: Cool, I've never been to Asia. I want to do something awesome this summer and for God to be glorified. And it’s teaching English, something I’ll be doing for the rest of my life.

And slowly, God broke down my defenses against Asia and revealed to me that he has great plans for me there. He has great plans for the team of college students I’ll meet in Los Angeles and work with Asia. And he has great plans for the students I will be teaching.

Recently, I’ve been having a hard time keeping my eyes from "leaking." I was given a copy of a pre-service Bible study called “God’s Heart for the Nations” for my trip and my eyes started watering while I was completing the first lesson. I couldn’t even get through the first preface to the third edition of John Piper’s Let the Nations be Glad without tearing up. The Sunday before Memorial Day, I spoke at my grandma’s church and received a love offering from them.  While I was preparing, the pastor and I previewed the video I was going to show before I spoke. I couldn’t even see the video once it started playing because my eyes were watering, and I struggled to keep myself from being noticed. And don’t even get me started on when I received the Operation Servanthood book, my luggage tags, T-shirt, waterbottle, and official journal in the mail. I opened the journal and skimmed a couple pages and felt like my heart was exploding.

It’s weird, because while I do have a tendency to cry, I don’t cry all that much. Nothing (except for the beauty of my Savior and my vocational calling) has captured my heart so much as this trip to Asia. Maybe it’s because this trip opens up a world (literally) of overseas opportunities for my future. Or maybe because this is the longest time I’ll be overseas, without anyone I’ve met before.  Or maybe because Asia is hitting me hard. (I would love to share more about that when I return!)

While I was getting ready for this trip, a guy friend of mine who has been to Asia three times before handed me an envelope with some cash for my trip. It was quite a lot of money for a college student, and I thanked him profusely.

On the outside of the envelope, he wrote a note, signing it “sincerely, with blessings, from a bro,” and his name. One line from the note caught my attention: May your preparation be worship. …That makes me cry, too.

In these next three weeks before I leave, I must make prayer a vital part of my preparation. I must make worship (the conscious effort of placing God first and giving him the glory due him) a vital part of my preparation. My friend was saying that all of my preparations, whatever I have to do to get ready, be an act of worship. I love that.

I have no doubt this trip is going to be difficult. Five weeks, two countries, over thirty-eight hours in airplanes (not to mention layovers), at least three different beds and roommates, and a classroom of 16-20 teenaged students. Yeah, it’ll be tough. But, hey, with God, nothing is impossible. With God, I have nothing to fear.

"No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you." (Joshua 1:5)

"The One Who called you is faithful and will do what He promised." (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

"God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. (1 Corinthians 1:9)

What I'm Listening To:

"Hold On" - B*Witched (this is one of my pumped-for-the-summer songs)

"I Refuse" - Josh Wilson

"Conmigo Estas (You Hold Me Now)" - Hillsong

P.S. I won't be updating this blog while I'm Asia. If you would like to receive my e-mail updates, please scroll down to the bottom of this post. For more information about my trip and how you can help, see my page here or send me an e-mail. Thanks!

Singleness of Heart

I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently. About how messy they are, how our relationship with God affects other relationships and how other relationships affect our relationship with God, how people shape our lives, for better or for worse. I love seeing the parallels between my relationship with God and the relationship involved in marriage. It's absolutely beautiful.

Along the same lines, remember back two months ago when I first shared about a calling God had given me? (If not, you can read about it here.) Recently, God shook that up a little bit. He whispered to me that maybe it wasn't so much about singleness of relationship status as it was about singleness of heart.

When the people return to their homeland, they will remove every trace of their vile images and detestable idols. And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, so they will obey my decrees and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.

(Ezekiel 11:18-20)

This passage from Ezekiel is describing the Jewish people returning to Jerusalem after the exile. God tells Ezekiel that the people will give up their idolatry. God says that he will bring his people back to focusing on him spiritually and legally. Therefore, singleness of heart means to get rid of anything that even so much as threatens God's place in your life. Anything that breaks that first commandment is out. 

Interestingly, the passage also talks about having a tender and responsive heart. Ladies who are struggling with their emotions tend to think that if only they could just be strong and not weak, they wouldn't succumb to their emotions. Legalistic people often think they are never firm enough and that's why they can't keep their obligations. The fact is that being gentle, tender, open, whatever word you want to use, is good. It's good to be willing to let God use you, to be available to his calling, to let yourself melt when he pursues you. It's good to allow yourself to be responsive to God. 

Friends, are we walking with the Lord so closely that we are devoted to him like a bride is devoted to her soon-to-husband? Are we so patiently listening for his will and so captivated by his words that we will let ourselves be pursued?

God loves you. A ton. He died for you! And the point I'm making is that because he is so awesome and so great, we are called to praise him. One beautiful way to praise him is to allow only Him in our hearts at one time.

It's called singleness of heart. It means that while I don't know what God is doing in my love life and I probably won't want to know, I'm still seeking with everything, and maybe a little more than everything. Do I do it perfect? Nope. Anything but. But I know that God is faithful and that he loves us. No matter what.

Turning Twenty... And Other Wrestles

I had a bit of a crisis last night in the library between Charles Dickens’ Best Stories and Europe Since 1715. It had nothing to do with literary and historical classics, but… I’m turning twenty years old this weekend! What?!? Don’t get me wrong, this is super exciting, but it’s a time of transition and change as well. And I usually don’t like transition and change.

I was sitting at my favorite table in the library, filling out an application for a ministry position on campus, when I was just a bit shocked at how quickly I had found myself here. Hasn’t it been less than two years since I cried myself to sleep as a high school senior, wondering what was going to happen when I graduated, moved, and “adopted” an entire stepfamily? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I drove a little red Mercury Cougar with bucket seats? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I was a terrified and naïve eighteen year old with a broken family and a heart yearning for love?

Sometimes I just want to yell, "Look at me now!" I want to find that guy who made fun of me in middle school so I can show him who I’ve become and talk with him about what God can do in people’s lives. I want to remind my dad that I am no longer the eight year old little girl I was when he left and I want to tell him that he can never get back those years of my life. I want to actually do the great and wonderful things that my shyness and insecurities kept me from doing years ago.

One of the things I’ve wrestled with when it comes to my birthday is my singleness. For one, God has been showing me amazing things about singleness and sacrifice since my last post. That’s been really good. The problem, however, is that I honestly have not been living and thinking in ways I know I should and in ways that will glorify God. I mean, I have worked to maintain outward displays of purity and joyfulness in singleness, but I am not living with singleness of heart. My heart is not thinking on that which is noble and pure and true and my mind is not full of the glories of my Savior. It is often on two things: Complaining about being "alone" and dwelling on the "potentials" of a relationship.

This makes me upset. God has specifically called me to singleness for this current season, for the next while of my life, and I’ve discovered my heart is set on anything but Him. That should be my point! When we sacrifice what is good, we do so for the whole purpose of gaining that which is best (namely, God). So, if we participate in something like Lent or a personal sacrifice, we must replace what we give up with God, especially more time in his presence and more time meditating on him.

I guess I had some kind of unspoken plan to date while I was still a teenager. Leaving that behind has been weird. It’s a bit like the first time I realized I wasn’t going to be kissed in high school. I’m saving my first kiss for when I get engaged, so that eliminates that opportunity. It really was not a big deal, but it made me think. Now, I’m wondering how long God’s command that I sacrifice my desire to date will be. At this rate, I’m doing a very bad job at it, and God just might call me to surrender dating for a while. Am I okay with that? Well, when it comes to God, I have to be. Assuming that the Creator of the universe actually gave me life and knows how best to live it, I shouldn’t have much of a problem trusting his plans for my life, my entire life, even my love life.

But I do. I do have problems trusting him.

I have a problem when I see yet another couple is displaying way too much physical affection. I have a problem when I don’t pay attention to God’s consistent pursuit of my heart because I chalk it up to coincidence. I have a problem when I hear stories of the not-so-smart actions of girls and guys when it comes to romantic relationships.

This problem is more like a heart cry of mine, focused on the brokenness between people, especially in male/female relationships. A female friend and I talked the other night, completely broken over the hurt we have encountered in relationships with our dads, brothers, guy friends, and male spiritual leaders. There’s a lot of hurt there. I told her that I was striving with every bit of me to believe that there are strong Godly men who are spiritual leaders. Yet after struggling with the pain of broken relationships, believing that is so difficult.

That’s a problem I encounter when it comes to trusting in God. Now, the good news is that we must give God time to shape our future spouses. We wouldn’t want to begin dating them until God has shaped us, too.

And I think that’s my point.

Are we passionately in love with the God who pursues us and loves us with everything? I’ve come to realize that we cannot and should not begin a dating relationship until we are passionately in love with him. This does not mean that we never date. This does not mean that we are hopeless. This simply means that we get some things straight before we involve other person. We must be able to worship and serve God and love doing it. We must find out some things about ourselves, like what makes us tick and what gives us energy, before we try to find that in another person. We must pray and fast and embrace silence and read the Word and every other spiritual discipline. We must learn to love all our brothers and sisters. We must give and give freely of ourselves and our time and our love. And I believe we must have heartache along the way. No one is ready for a dating relationship unless they have been hurt and caused hurt in the past and have come to terms with it and moved. It’s essential.

Is your faith your own? Is your God your own? Do you love him?

I wrote a fictional (but largely based on actual events) post that was themed like a Q and A session with God. I asked God why I was still single. He asked me if I loved him. I hope and pray that we would dive deeper into him, take our pain and joys to him, and worship him fully. That’s why we’re here.

Even at twenty years old and never dated, that's still why I'm here. A woman's highest calling is the same as a man's, regardless of occupation, station, or relationship status... to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Please Stop Lying to Yourself

When we begin to come to terms with the things we've done and/or the things that have been done to us that grieve God’s heart (i.e., sins), we also begin to wrestle with the natural ramifications of those things. Sin is never simply a mistake. Each time a sin is committed, we lay the groundwork for future pain, either in our lives or the lives of others, and usually in both.

One such pain I would like to analyze is found in the lies we tell ourselves. For example, after engaging in sexual sin, we may later feel dirty, worthless, undesirable, unvaluable, or any of the above. Or, after someone we care about speaks condescendingly or negatively towards us, we may feel insignificant, inadequate, rejected, etc. I’m sure you could think of some prime examples in your own life.

We may also use “If… then…” or “Since… then…” statements on ourselves. Have you ever said this: “Since no one wants to hang out with me, then I must not matter to anyone.” Or, “If I cannot resist this temptation, then I will never be able to have a successful marriage / career / relationship / family.” Or, “If I fail one more time, then it must mean I am a failure.” Or, “Since my dad left, then that means I’m not wanted and no guy will ever want to date me.”

If I am completely honest, I have to tell you that I have said all of those to myself. It has taken lots of time to identify that, first, I’m saying those things to myself, and second, they are not truth. And even when they feel true, I must acknowledge that one fact does not prescribe the other. Yes, my dad left when I was eight, but that in no way means that I’m not attractive or not valuable or not significant or not desirable. Good friends have poured into me the realization that I am valuable. Professors and mentors who care about me and my growth are apt to acknowledge my significance. And even when some situations with guys seem to repeatedly speak negatively to me about attractiveness or desirability, I must hold on to glimpses of truth, such as a cute hair day, a compliment, a kind remark from a guy friend, or a word from God about beauty.

What we know deep inside and what we know from God’s Word are things that we should be letting define ourselves, not those painful experiences that seep into our lives and threaten to take truth away. The truth is that God will never leave us (Deuteronomy 31:6 and 8). The truth is that we are valuable (Matthew 6:26). The truth is that God is listening (Psalm 17:6). The truth is that God has chosen us and is with us and will help us (Isaiah 41:8-10). Do you believe the Bible is the Word of God? Then believe these things. And stop lying to yourself. Don’t believe what Satan is telling you. Find a verse to disprove anything you hear from him.

On another note, I heard a beautiful testimony tonight from a dear friend. I had heard it once before, when we went out for coffee, but tonight she shared with a group at a prayer meeting. She had told me multiple times before that she just wanted God to get the glory and to be praised through the story of her issues and struggles and redemption. So, tonight, as she talked, I smiled at her jokes and cried at her pain, but I was praying. Praying that God would receive the glory. To my surprise, after the meeting, some girls called for the musicians in the group to go get their guitars so we could all worship in song together. Her story inspired intimate worship and praise to and for God – what an amazing testament to glorifying God.

Someone once told me, “We should not think less of ourselves. Instead, we should think of ourselves less.” Awesome advice. So today, I'm telling you not to lie to yourself or belittle yourself. I’m telling you to spend more time with God. I’m telling you to believe what He says. I’m telling you to glorify Him no matter what. God will do great things. Sometimes you have to step back and watch.