Confession: I Don't Do Well With Change

Maybe I'm just going crazy. I certainly feel like it.

The last two weeks have led me to a conclusion: I don't do well with change. Sure, I can handle going halfway around the world with 100+ people I've never met before and getting thrown into a culture and language I definitely did not study enough and facing responsibilities like riding the public bus by myself and imparting not only the English language but also the love of the Father to more than 20 Asian teenagers. Oh, sure. Difficult, but I survived and loved it.

What I can't handle is coming back for my third year in this city and at this college. Granted, I love this so much. I love where I'm living, I love living here in this area of this state, I love who I'm living with. I love my classes, professors, and (even sometimes) the homework.

But this is so stinkin' hard. My confession is that I'm having a much difficult time than I anticipated. I'm definitely feeling disoriented and confused.

For one, I almost got lost in the dorm where I spent two years of my life. I went to visit, and the whole thing was crazy weird. The halls and rooms are the same, but the decorations, names on the doors, and faces are different. I forgot that one staircase goes to all three floors and the basement, while the other only goes to the upper floors. I also entered that dorm's code into the electronic lock on my new terrace-dorm's door. Twice.

Two, I walked into the library more than thirty minutes ago. I literally know less than 40% of the people in the library who have been here since I've been here. So many faces are unfamiliar and voices unknown. I kinda don't know what to do anymore.

Three, I'm still unsure as to what extracurricular activities I'm supposed to be involved in. I mean, my relationship with my church has been weird because our college Sunday school has not yet started up again and I'm not going on Wednesday night anymore. I love all of them, and I miss them.
From first semester freshman year to almost a year ago, I was involved in a group that met for fellowship and Bible study each week. When my time with that ministry drew to a close almost a year ago, I suddenly found myself feeling very empty with how I was supposed to structure my time. I had been so busy for so long that I forgot what to do with myself. I spent October to December in that weird middle state until I began teaching ESL in a neighboring town with a group from my college in January.
Well, I have rejoined that ESL group only to find that there are all new teachers (except me) and I have been paired with a guy (who's engaged) to teach a class of three adult students. The thing is, change is a little unsettling to me. Especially because none of these people taught last semester. Especially because our class sizes are really small this semester. Especially because I don't know this guy very well and I'm worried about co-teaching with him because he's doing this for credit, while I'm just volunteering. So, I'm just a bit unsure of everything.
I feel like I should be stepping up to the roles to which God has called me. Roles like ESL teaching, discipling a friend who asked for help on a class requirement for discipleship, co-leading a small group of freshmen/transfer girls, etc., but I'm having a hard time doing so.

Four, the fact of singleness has hit me hard. I think it does every August, because returning back to school and seeing all the couples get together makes me feel lonely. Maybe moreso this year, I'm seeing couples actually getting married. Couples I know. None of my super-close friends, but people I know. And that's crazy scary. It feels like people are just growing up and moving on without me.  I know God is still doing great and wonderful things in me and through me before I have a guy in my life. But I'm waiting to know what more of those are. I'm learning that it's okay to step outside of my comfort zone a bit and it's okay to get to know people better and it's okay to choose not to hide from guys. Yet, I'm in that awkward stage of not liking anyone. And, again, I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.
Also, autumn/fall, as a season, has definitely been difficult for me for the last two or three years, so there are a lot of cold-weather "backseat driver" moments. And that's been hard as well.

In fact, as I was preparing for this post, I read a previous post of mine from October 2011 in which I wrote about God asking me to be tree. On that day, God showed me that he has great things for me, but he might just "shake my leaves" and ask me to "dig my roots deep" into him in preparation for those things. I wrote that God was telling me:

Look, I am bringing about new buds. Little bursts of growth and blessing. Alex, let me love you, and I will shower lush leaves upon you. I will bring about new growth and new experiences... I long for you to trust me, to hope in me, to have faith that what I am bringing about is best, even you don't understand, even when you're hurt. Let me love you. Let me demonstrate my faithfulness. I am the Lord your God.

You know what? Eleven months later, He is still telling me that. He's still asking me to come in close to him and fall in love with him and trust him and rely on him.

I think right now He's asking me to talk with him. Because how can we claim to love a God with whom we never talk?

What I'm Listening To:

 "Erosion" and "Learning to Breathe" - Switchfoot

"Skeleton Bones" and "Dress Us Up" - John Mark McMillan

Freedom

In reply to my previous posts about second chances and leaving it behind, I wanted to share this quote. It's from James MacDonald's sermon on "Freedom from People Pleasing." Sometimes I listen to his sermons on podcasts when I work out and this stuck out to me today.

In John chapter 8... Jesus says to them, 'If my Word abides in you, you are my disciples indeed, or you are truly my disciples. And you'll know the truth and the truth will set you free.' And so the two characteristics of a genuine believer are: that you have this growing love for God's word and then the result of that is that you have a growing pattern of freedom in your life. People who don't know Christ are slaves to sin. They've just got certain sins that every time it calls their name they come running and they can't change it and they try not to be angry, they try not to be selfish, they try not to be prideful, they try not to be lustful, but they are. And they always come back to it.... But see, the thing is, is that when you're in Christ, you're getting free. You're getting increasingly free.

I am amazed at God's provision right when I need it. He is calling us to freedom. 

Too Many Burdens

Have you heard someone talk about a burden they had for someone? A desire that a non-Believer meet Jesus or that a strayed Christian would return to the Faith?

It is wonderful that fellow Christians would be so concerned about not only each other, but also about friends and family members who don't know the Lord. It's often a very genuine, honest, God-honoring concern.

But sometimes we fall into the trap of taking the word "burden" a little too seriously. You see, God has not created us to bear the whole weight of one person's salvation upon ourselves. We were not made to be responsible for leading people through every step and realization of coming to Christ or even coming back to Christ. Granted, God may be using you, even right now, to do something amazing in a life of someone near you. But it is not your sole responsibility to draw them into Christ. That is the Holy Spirit's job.

Likewise, I often find myself carrying too many burdens. Last week, I found a guy I attended middle school with on Facebook through one of those "mutual friends" things. He had a skimpily dressed girlfriend and several of his pictures included alcoholic beverages. Knowing that this kid is no older than me, I was obviously offended and asked God how this could happen. I became concerned about his apparent wandering from Christianity. And suddenly I was carrying a burden. Another burden to my list.

I'm carrying similar burdens concerned about the salvation and hearts of members of my stepfamilies as well as friends, families of friends, and others who don't know the Lord. In addition, my heart is burdened with thoughts and worries about friends and acquaintances who have seemingly abandoned God. More burdens.

And yes, as a Christian, I am to carry the burdens of my fellow believers (Galatians 6:2). I am to mourn when they mourn, laugh when they laugh, and care about what they are concerned about. However, there is a line between genuinely caring and becoming a nervous wreck.

When things come up, like a friend whose heart is the wrong place, or someone shares a prayer request for an unsaved family member, I urge you to care. I urge you to pray alongside and support them however you can.

And then, this is the hard part, give it God. Stop trying to convert your atheist friend on your own agenda in your own power. Let go. Give it up. Allow God to use you to do his work; don't force your plan on his purposes. Let go of the burdens you're carrying and obey the Holy Spirit's voice.

Now I will take the load from your shoulders; I will free your hands from their heavy tasks. You cried to me in trouble, and I saved you; I answered out of the thundercloud and tested your faith when there was no water at Meribah.

Psalm 81:6-7

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:29