Constellations and Redemption

As Orion sinks slowly below the horizon, a little farther each night, so spring rolls softly around the corner.

My 6th grade Math and Science teacher, Mr. Underwood, taught our class how to find Orion in the night sky. We were supposed to locate the constellation for homework and report back the next day. I remember slipping out the sliding glass door into my backyard, wrapped in a blanket from shoulders to knees, but with nothing on my feet, gazing up until my neck hurt.

Photo by Bahadorjn, Flickr

When the days grew longer, Mr. Underwood explained to a concerned student that Orion wasn't disappearing. The constellations that we could see in our hemisphere changed as the earth rotated, and Orion is only visible in the winter.

I continued to visit Orion after that first night, especially in the dead of winter, especially when I needed some grounding. It's crazy how seeing the vastness of the universe can ground you.

Today I reflected on what God has been doing in my life. I have all but completed a huge paper, due largely to the fact that God provided the crazy idea to check to see if the library in town had the book I needed for my paper Friday night. I prayed long and hard that I would be able to finish it in time - it's not due until Tuesday. I have been experiencing a bit of a digestive issue, but my roommate suggested a simple remedy that is really helping. In addition, tonight we had a time of worship at my college, and during one song I had a really personal heart-to-heart the Lord.

And he told me that he is doing something new.

Just as Orion can be seen in the northern hemisphere only in the winter, and then it fades from our view, so God is preparing to do something in me and in my life that has been hidden from my view. I'm excited for whatever it is and I'm eagerly anticipating the next stage in my life, but I'm a little afraid as well. I once told God I would follow him anywhere - from the shack in the middle of India to the country club in the Carolinas, and God has been known to do infinitely more than we could ask or express. He has a sense of humor like that.

Despite my fear, I just can't help but be excited. God told me, "That stuff you were dealing with a year, two years ago... It is over. I have redeemed you from that and I have set things in a different direction. I have the next step prepared for you."

And so I wait with eager anticipation. God, reveal to me more of who You are.

I realized just last week that I literally have nine months until I return to Asia. If my last trip was any indication, there's going to be a lot of heart-prep that needs to happen in the next few months, as well as a lot of working and saving and prayer to be able to go overseas. Just the other day, I had a kind of vivid daydream in which I felt like I was in Hong Kong again. I saw the familiar sights, felt and smelled the same sensations, everything.

It also hits me often: How can I expect to make an impact on people in Thailand if I cannot love the people beside me? That cuts deep, and I am often unable to understand why I find it difficult to love people. Often, I either try really hard and fail or I have no desire to try. This reveals itself in relationships with friends or acquaintances I know, but choose not to treat with patience, kindness, etc. God, make me more like You.
It also reveals itself in the frustration I occasionally feel with the pace of this whole dating business. I mean, I hate to harp on something no one likes to hear about, but, really, do I treat guys like real people? Do I treat them with patience, kindness, etc., or do I think about only what I could get from them (no matter how weird that sounds)? I want to be respectful and considerate towards every guy, not just the ones that I maybe could possibly date one day.
I want to love these people around me, both guys and girls. I only have about nine months left with them.

Yes, God has redeemed me from a significant amount of difficulties I faced earlier in college. But I am not perfect. I still have bad days. I rejoice in the fact that my paper is 99% finished, but I still have a thousand (not quite) rationales to write for my portfolio, which is due on the same day. I face struggles consistently, but I know God is good, even when it doesn't seem like it.

I know God is good because Orion fades away, and then returns. I know God is good because winter turns to spring. Every. Single. Year. He is doing something new, even if I feel stuck. He makes all things new.

Jesus, You're the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus, surely you will find us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new
Will make all things new

- "Dry Bones," Gungor

Treasure

Maybe it's just my maternal instinct sneaking out, but I'm starting to catch a glimpse of what Luke meant when he wrote that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2:19).

I'm acting in my church's Christmas play tonight alongside two little girls, a 7-year-old and an 11-year-old. An entire slew of children and adults are acting in other scenes, as characters such as Herod, wisemen, shepherds, and angels. We have been practicing for the play twice a week since just before Thanksgiving and we have our final dress rehearsal this afternoon at 4pm.

You may think that a church Christmas play is a stressful, daunting, and frustrating task. It is. But it doesn't have to be. I have been so amazed and surprised by how the entire process can be so much more rewarding. For one, I have started to treat the girls I'm acting with as if we were equals. When I tell them they need to slow down or exit now or make sure they don't forget a word in a certain line, I also ask them if I can do anything for them. I've gotten responses like: "Can you make sure you say 'Egypt' at the end of that line, so I know my cue?" and "Can I not say this part of my line?" and my personal favorite: "Can I roll my eyes when she says that?" They are actually making their own choices and I believe they feel like I care about their choices.

Yet one thing really captured my heart. In the play, the two girls have not seen their dad in several months and their mom has recently passed away. I'm the social worker at the children's home where they are staying. At the end of the play, I've presented the gospel and the girls and I are praying. The Narrator and music fade in. When we were rehearsing, one of the girls asked me, "Do you think their dad comes back? Why is that not in the play?" I had the opportunity to discuss how finding and accepting Jesus does not make your life perfect; it simply makes you able to handle the problems of life because you can depend on God through them. The girls agreed with me and shared examples.

When we took a break from the hustle and bustle of the play and instead spent some time reflecting, we were able to relate to each other, to place a building block on our relationships, and to fix our eyes on Jesus. That moment is something I treasure. I would not trade it for anything.

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Similarly, I'm learning some interesting things through conflict resolution with my roommate. It is not fun. At all. But it is good.

My roommate is a people-oriented, relationship-motivated extrovert. It makes me want to shoot my foot. I am an introvert who loves people, but I can only handle people in small doses. In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes: "I am that cordless screwdriver that has to charge for twenty hours to earn ten minutes use." I completely understand. I'm also task-oriented. My roommate and I figured this out: It hurts me when she doesn't wash her dishes. It hurts her when I tell her I don't want to talk about what's bothering me. Well, duh, I want to say, Wash your dishes to show me you value me. (I'm task-oriented: wash your dishes.) But then she's saying, Well, duh, talk to me to show me you value me. (She's people-oriented: the dishes can wait.) It's fairly amusing to actually talk about it and deal with it.

The beautiful moment that I will treasure is when we faced this phenomenon together. We talked about our issues no matter how much they hurt. I will treasure the moment when I realized that being a "3am friend" is probably not cut out for me, and I cried about it, and she was there with a hug. I will treasure the moment when she acted as a mediator to help our mutual friend and I experience conflict resolution together. For the first time, I'm seeing problems and disagreements actually worked out in a healthy way. And I treasure that.

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I treasure coffee nights and dinners with my small group girls. About half the group went to coffee with my co-leader and me last night and the other half (with some overlap) are having dinner with us Monday night. I'm seeing that ministry doesn't have to fit in the confines of one hour a week in which we talk about the Bible for the entire hour. In almost all cases, "ministry" should first and foremost be relationships. I treasure the fact that last night, we didn't talk about Jesus. As crazy as that sounds, that's why I treasure it. Because suddenly, I was able to look at these girls as the beautiful individuals they are without trying to weasel some sort of spiritual thoughts out of them. I felt honest as we sipped peppermint mochas and chai lattes. I felt like we were becoming friends while we laughed about Candy Land and chocolate cake. It didn't feel like group, it felt like friendship. And I treasure that.

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I treasure the relationships I have with my guy friends. Who would have thought that guys would make great friends? Definitely not me. While there are still challenges, as with any friendship, I am truly honored to be doing life alongside both girls and guys. I'm starting to see these people as women and men - adults of whom I'm really proud. What a blessing to walk alongside these guys as their sister!

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I wanted to share these things with you as a reminder that although we have bad days (weeks, months, seasons...), we are still surrounded by an amazing God who provides for us each day. He blesses us with not  only the things we need for life, but also things that provide the joy in life.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

- C.S Lewis

Sacrifices

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

(1 Peter 2:9)

I have never officially participated in Lent, the 40 days of fasting before Easter, but I have made spiritual decisions for my life that correspond with lent for the past two years. So far this year, God has been doing some amazingly awesome stuff, which has contributed to what I’m doing for a personal rendition of Lent.

For one, this past Thursday, God gave reconciliation to a friendship of mine. It was pretty much unexpected and surprising. I was convinced people could not change, but I was reminded that when God gets a hold of someone who is open, awesome things happen. That reconciliation was an answer to prayer and I know God is going to do great things with this friend’s life.

Friday, the next day, I went hiking and “swimming” with some awesome friends. After dinner, I went back to my room, but it was Friday, so I didn’t want to do any homework or hang out alone. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anyone to hang out with, but I began to sense that I needed and wanted to spend time with God. So, I grabbed my Bible, journal, and iPod and headed to the campus prayer room, where I turned up the worship music so loud the walls were shaking. That whole worship experience was amazing. It was almost two and a half hours of singing, Scripture reading, artsy-crafty worship, and dancing (yes, dancing can be worship, too!). It was good communion with God.

And then, out of the blue, some thoughts popped up. Not immoral thoughts, just a realization. I realized that guys who love Jesus are attractive. Not sure why it took me so long to get it... just kidding! Anyway, I was so taken aback by the suddenness of these thoughts I honestly did not know what to do with them; I immediately turned them over to God. Obviously, it’s not wrong for women to be attracted to Godly men, but this was worship time. I have come to understand that my focus should be always be on God over and above what God has created, even if it’s good.

This simple and somewhat naïve action this past Friday started an entire personal lent movement. When I went to God with the realization, he asked me make a sacrifice. He asked me to sacrifice my desire to date and get married. Almost immediately, Genesis chapter 22 (where Abraham attempts to sacrifice Isaac) came to mind and I knew that’s what God wanted me to do.

Even though I’m making this sacrifice, I believe I will still get married. Abraham knew and believed his descendents would come from Isaac, but he was still able and ready to obey God and sacrifice Isaac (see Hebrews 11:17-19). The point and meaning of this sacrifice is that I will make a conscious and intentional effort to focus on God and my relationship with Him instead of the worries, doubts, and fears that come with potentially entering the realm of dating. 

Believe me when I say that guys who obviously love Jesus are incredibly attractive to me. What a blessing from the Lord to feel that way! We are human beings after all. Yet I know God is calling me to singleness for this time. I know, because he has asked me to hold my relationship with him so close that a dating relationship cannot be in the picture yet.

Towards the end of my first semester of freshman year, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before he brought a guy into my life. I asked for those things, and slowly, God revealed them. Most of them were ministry opportunities or personal development opportunities that could be best taken as a single person. When I returned to school this January, I looked back over what I was doing and I realized none of those things were in my life anymore. Suddenly, I questioned God’s providence. Was he calling me to remain single or to date? Now, with this new revelation of sacrifice, I am convinced again of God’s purposes and providence. He has a plan for my life and he is doing great things. Awesome things.

The prayer team on my college’s campus has organized a 24/7 Bible Reading, in which students and staff of the college sign up to read from the Bible for 24 hours a day as many days as it takes to read the entire Bible, which is actually going to be less than seven days. We’ve done the same thing with prayer before. Last night, I went to listen to whomever was reading, but I ended up filling in for an hour for someone who missed their shift. I was reading Psalms and I kept breaking out in song every few chapters. It was raining, so I kept singing “And I believe You will come like the rain” from Jesus Culture, as well as any songs I thought of when I read the Psalms. It was pretty amazing. I left that hour, after reading, praying, and singing the Word, very fulfilled. I prayed for rain and for God to come like Hosea 6:3 says.

The funny thing is, we sang “You’ll Come” by Hillsong in chapel today. The chorus is about both rain and God coming to us, and I knew it was no coincidence that it lined up perfectly with what I prayed for last night. And it did rain today, it was just misty instead of drenching. I began to see that God’s pursuit of me is definitely not a coincidence, but that it is real and consistent, but more than that, it is gentle, like misty rain. I am reminded that God’s love is strong. How can something so often thought of as weak and mushy be strong? I think it’s in the same way that God’s pursuit of his bride is both furious and gentle at the same time.

My point is that in “giving up” the dating desire (and taking practical steps to reduce the temptation I encounter to worry about or lust over a potential relationship), I am making the effort to grow closer to God and to listen to him as he is pursuing me. So, yeah, in some way, this is what I’m giving up for Lent. And this semester. And this summer. And probably this entire year. And who knows how long. Because my relationship with the God of the universe matters so much than getting married and having kids. Don’t get me wrong, I desperately desire to get married and have kids one day, but that cannot be my focus. I can’t go to college to get my MRS degree, because that’s ridiculous. I must ask myself: who am I focusing on?

Maybe, if you’ve read this far, you’re wondering why I put 1 Peter 2:9 as the opening for this post. Honestly, I do not know. All I know is that within a couple hours on Monday night, I heard this verse twice from two different people in two completely different contexts. I am asking God to show me what he wants me to gather from this verse.  I know for sure that God is doing great things and, as his child, I am privileged to be a part of them. To be loved by the God of the universe so much that he calls you his holy priesthood is pretty amazing stuff. He loves you.

Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City" or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God,” for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

(Isaiah 62:4)

Switchfoot on the Drive Home and “Boys”

Yesterday, I drove home a different way for the first time. I had my windows down and the radio way too loud, letting Switchfoot and this surprisingly warm February speak to my soul. It was such a blessing.

Recently, my heart’s been breaking over relationships. For one, Student Government elections tend to bring out the worst in people. I left the Open Forum early, but I heard it got a little heated towards the end. And I heard some slightly accusatory questions before I left. Why? Are we Christians when we’re going to church and feeding the homeless, but not when we’re choosing the next SGA president? I’m aware that SGA is not a “religious” organization, but we are all Christians and I think a little more should have been said for the character of the candidates. Like, who is connected to a church and serving whole-heartedly? My favorite teacher in high school once said that the best way to find out if a boy is a man is to ask him how many trenches he’s dug. Hard work usually makes for excellent character.

Speaking of which, this whole issue with “boys” and “men” intrigues me. A couple weekends ago, a good friend and I went to visit our mutual friends at a nearby college. At one point in the evening, one of our friends was talking about her developmental psychology class last semester in which the professor would not let any student refer to people of their own age group as “girls” or “boys.” The professor required students to say “women” and “men.” (This was because college students are physically, mentally, and legally adults.)

Interestingly, I’ve seen that when we’re upset with each other, we refer to each other as if we were children. Last week, in less than a two hour time frame, two friends came to me to talk about “boys” who they termed as “stupid.” I listened to their stories. And yes, the males in the circumstances made some stupid decisions. But in all honesty, it pained me to hear my female friends describe our brothers in this way. All of the guys mentioned in these conversations profess to be Christians. Yes, they may do some not-so-smart stuff, but they are not “stupid boys.” They are 19 to 20-something-year-old men who serve the same God we do.

Have you ever seen this picture on a book or T-shirt? I laughed the very first time I saw it. I mean, all girls (there I go again…) understand it because all of us have been hurt by a guy at one time or another. Or multiple times.  But today it just makes me angry.


One of my guy friends is particularly fond of the word “destroy” and he often uses it to describe the way he feels after a good philosophical argument destroys what he thought he knew. Recently, however, he also used it to explain the way a good friend of his was destroyed by his ex-girlfriend. It caught me off-guard when my friend wrote, “…you're not a guy if a girl hasn't destroyed you at some point.” I would agree that (vice versa) is true for girls as well. But anyway, my point is that girls (women) do stupid things, too. We often don’t realize it, because girls and guys do stupid things in different ways.

That’s why that picture makes me angry. Why, when we all do stupid things or do good things stupidly, do we call each other stupid? Hey, does the Golden Rule to treat others the way we want to be treated or the Christian mandate to love your neighbor go out the window when a guy hurts you?

I’m not minimizing the pain, believe me. After my dad left when I was eight, I’ve been sensitive to the pain that male-female relationships cause. And most recently, the loss of a good guy friend and the ministry we shared. It’s been months now, and I can honestly say that I’ve forgiven him. I’m moving on. I’m healing. Good friends have been pouring into me, helping me release the pain and to stop holding on to what happened. I like to use it as a shield, to keep me from getting close to guys again, and friends have been showing me how to love with boundaries, not shields, and to learn to trust again.

In no way am I saying your pain from a male-female relationship isn’t real. But the thing we must remember is that we are all broken people. What happened is not okay, but you are okay. You will be okay. God is in the process of restoring broken people. And that guy? He will be okay. Healing and moving on will come. And it will come when you two are working through it separately. Switchfoot sings an awesome and deep song about some healing and moving on.

I’m asking that we learn to love each other despite and through our shortcomings. Yes, sin hurts. Like crap. But what about forgiveness? What about love?

Let me close this post…

• Guys (men), your sisters have been hurt. A lot of us are deeply terrified of dating. Yes, it would be nice, but we are striving to pursue what God wants for us, and to work on our personal healing and goals before we begin a relationship. I speak for many of us: please just be our brothers. There will be time for pursuing girls romantically.
• Girls (women), your brothers have been hurt. A lot of them are afraid and apprehensive of dating. Yes, they would probably love to be dating, but they want to pursue God’s healing and God’s purposes for their lives before a dating relationship. I can’t speak for them, but I do know that they admire us as their sisters and we should continue to be there for them the way sisters should. Dating will come in time.

Overall, keep loving. No matter what, we are still brothers and sisters.

“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” (John 13:35)

Please Stop Lying to Yourself

When we begin to come to terms with the things we've done and/or the things that have been done to us that grieve God’s heart (i.e., sins), we also begin to wrestle with the natural ramifications of those things. Sin is never simply a mistake. Each time a sin is committed, we lay the groundwork for future pain, either in our lives or the lives of others, and usually in both.

One such pain I would like to analyze is found in the lies we tell ourselves. For example, after engaging in sexual sin, we may later feel dirty, worthless, undesirable, unvaluable, or any of the above. Or, after someone we care about speaks condescendingly or negatively towards us, we may feel insignificant, inadequate, rejected, etc. I’m sure you could think of some prime examples in your own life.

We may also use “If… then…” or “Since… then…” statements on ourselves. Have you ever said this: “Since no one wants to hang out with me, then I must not matter to anyone.” Or, “If I cannot resist this temptation, then I will never be able to have a successful marriage / career / relationship / family.” Or, “If I fail one more time, then it must mean I am a failure.” Or, “Since my dad left, then that means I’m not wanted and no guy will ever want to date me.”

If I am completely honest, I have to tell you that I have said all of those to myself. It has taken lots of time to identify that, first, I’m saying those things to myself, and second, they are not truth. And even when they feel true, I must acknowledge that one fact does not prescribe the other. Yes, my dad left when I was eight, but that in no way means that I’m not attractive or not valuable or not significant or not desirable. Good friends have poured into me the realization that I am valuable. Professors and mentors who care about me and my growth are apt to acknowledge my significance. And even when some situations with guys seem to repeatedly speak negatively to me about attractiveness or desirability, I must hold on to glimpses of truth, such as a cute hair day, a compliment, a kind remark from a guy friend, or a word from God about beauty.

What we know deep inside and what we know from God’s Word are things that we should be letting define ourselves, not those painful experiences that seep into our lives and threaten to take truth away. The truth is that God will never leave us (Deuteronomy 31:6 and 8). The truth is that we are valuable (Matthew 6:26). The truth is that God is listening (Psalm 17:6). The truth is that God has chosen us and is with us and will help us (Isaiah 41:8-10). Do you believe the Bible is the Word of God? Then believe these things. And stop lying to yourself. Don’t believe what Satan is telling you. Find a verse to disprove anything you hear from him.

On another note, I heard a beautiful testimony tonight from a dear friend. I had heard it once before, when we went out for coffee, but tonight she shared with a group at a prayer meeting. She had told me multiple times before that she just wanted God to get the glory and to be praised through the story of her issues and struggles and redemption. So, tonight, as she talked, I smiled at her jokes and cried at her pain, but I was praying. Praying that God would receive the glory. To my surprise, after the meeting, some girls called for the musicians in the group to go get their guitars so we could all worship in song together. Her story inspired intimate worship and praise to and for God – what an amazing testament to glorifying God.

Someone once told me, “We should not think less of ourselves. Instead, we should think of ourselves less.” Awesome advice. So today, I'm telling you not to lie to yourself or belittle yourself. I’m telling you to spend more time with God. I’m telling you to believe what He says. I’m telling you to glorify Him no matter what. God will do great things. Sometimes you have to step back and watch.

Navigating This Season

[This is part one of a three part series.]

Maybe I’m just a biased, almost 20 year old college student, but none of these books or articles or websites or speakers on Christian singleness are really helping.

Last week, I found myself in the back of the library, sitting on a stepstool in the corner beside the “Devotional” section, hunched up and holding the book carefully so no who descended the stairs and rounded the corner could see the title. I held my breath whenever someone walked through the doorway to the stairs, hoping it wasn’t someone I knew. I spent an hour on that little stepstool (after I got my studying done, of course), reading books on chastity and singleness. It hasn’t been the easiest season of singleness recently, and I needed some kind of help that knew what it was talking about but wouldn’t judge and had time for me at 10:30 on a Sunday night. Enter the Christian experts shelved in my college’s library.

For the most part, I appreciated the comments. I found a good book by Lauren Winner, which I didn’t have time to read in its entirety. However, most of the books I located were published in the early 90’s (which isn’t surprising for my small college’s library), but I have a feeling things may have changed just a bit in the last 20 years.

Coming home for Christmas break, I found my huge collection of books I’ve loved, as well as those I just haven’t had time to read yet. In the want-to-read-but-haven’t-yet pile, I found many books, including the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (Harris) and “I Gave Dating a Chance” (Clark) dichotomy, as well as “Boundaries in Dating” and “Lady in Waiting,” not to mention my “Wild at Heart” and “Captivating” bookshelf back at school. So, why do I have all these books? Because the books from high school (like “Dateable”) aren’t cutting it for the college student I have become. Because if I’m honest with myself, marriage is no longer foreign and far away. Suddenly I find myself almost twenty and searching for a few answers.

Let me clue you in. This is what I’m looking at right now:

1. Being single, I can devote more of my time to ministry than to a boyfriend/husband/family (1 Corinthians 7:34)
2. This season of life can be used to plan for the next. There should be an enjoyment of this season with anticipation for the next season, but not a focus on it (Ecclesiastes 3).
3. The desire for dating and marriage is not inherently wrong, and I would do well to find a place to put it (more on that later) instead of stuffing it (Psalm 37:4, Song of Solomon).

That is what I believe. Yet, I find that many of the resources available and/or prized highly for Christian singles are not saying what we need to hear. Many of the Christian sources I found told me I just needed to be a stronger Christian or I needed to have more purity, and I would be okay until marriage. I heard the ever elusive “Don’t awaken love before its time” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4), but "love" has already been awake for a while. Let me give you another example: I gave away my copies of “Passion and Purity” and “When God Writes Your Love Story” because I was so upset at their messages. I got the impression that I should just sit here and wait for God to hang a flashing neon sign above the head of the guy I should marry. While that’s probably not what the authors were intending, that’s the message I got.

Elisabeth Elliot (author of Passion and Purity) praised the womanly virtue of patience, which seemed to me more like sitting here waiting for the guy God told we’re going get married finally come around to asking me. She admits in the book that her future husband (the first of three) even began “talking” to some girls at the college he attended while they were physically separated before their courtship began. I may be female, but I am not called to sit here in silence while he makes all the moves.

Note: I am not asserting any feminist tendencies here. This issue here is not about submission as a wife, but rather the concept that relationships take two people, not just a pursuing guy. Anyway, learning to submit to God, who loves me enough to die for me, has taught me some lessons that will be valuable in the future.

In the meantime, however, let me propose some places to “put” the desire for dating and marriage that I really feel neither our worldly culture nor our Christian culture has, for the most part, provided. I believe these places are healthy outlets and safe places for the Christian single.

• Friendships. Having healthy and positive relationships with both guys and girls has made singleness a good thing for me. We will need our friends before, during, and after dating relationships. And until that boyfriend becomes a fiancé, your girl friends come first any day. I would add that we need friends of both genders who are both single and taken, and we desperately need same-gender single friends to hold us accountable and provide support and encouragement (Ecclesiastes 4:12, Proverbs 27:17).

• College, Career, and Ministry. If one more person mentions going to college to her get MRS degree, I’m going to get really angry. Yes, it would be great to marry a guy who will graduate from such an awesome college as mine, but I have a life apart from marriage. I have a job I’m excited about and a future career into which I desire to invest. I have obligations here at college that I long to fulfill. Life is not about getting married and having kids, and although I desire that, I will not make it my aim. In addition, there are multiple ministry opportunities, places of service, jobs, and callings that are only available to single people, and we can minister in those capacities in our seasons of singleness (1 Corinthians 7:34).

• Preparation. I know I bashed many Christian singles books, but there are also some good ones. I would recommend “Boundaries in Dating” by Townsend and Cloud. In addition, people are usually better than books any day, so I would encourage you to go to other Christians, those who are single, dating, and married, and ask for advice and encouragement. A pastor once said that if you don’t start thinking and planning for marriage when you’re eighteen, it will probably be too late to start by the time you’re twenty-five. (Proverbs 16:9)

• God. “I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20). Have we forgotten how much God loves us? He is wooing us like a patient lover. Before you get all up in arms about singleness, return to God. Let him love you. Now, loving God does not always mean that your longing for a guy or girl will be eliminated. I believe that if God has not called you to singleness, you will still yearn to get married. But God provides fulfillment until he opens the door for marriage. Like a good father, he wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but he wants us to first be satisfied in him. (Psalm 37:4, Luke 11:13, 1 Samuel 8:4-9)

Finally, know that we were never meant to be alone and that the desires within you to date and get married are not wrong. They will never be wrong unless they take the place of God in your heart. Also know that loneliness is a possibility. I’ve felt so lonely at periods when I was surrounded by people. It takes a close Christian community and a growing relationship in Christ to combat loneliness. But never let loneliness force you into a relationship. Go into a relationship when there is a measure of wholeness, not out of your own brokenness.

Trust that God guides us on the best path (Psalm 32:8). After all of this, I still believe that God has a guy picked out for me, and me for him. And I believe that God knows what he’s doing when he works out circumstances and relationships the way he does.

After writing this entire post and going back over it multiple times over several days, one line from my devotional reading this morning really stuck out. It was about love being the true fellowship of two souls. I spent a while reading through 1 Corinthians 13 and I was convicted about the terrible job I’ve been doing at love. It’s easy to end a conversation with a friend with: “Bye, I love you!” But do I really love them?

I once heard a friend say that he felt like he had so much work to do on his heart and in his life before he could get married, because he didn’t think he was mature enough or Christ-like enough to love his wife and treat her right. When I heard that, I laughed, because I know we’ll never be “good enough” for anything, if that is our goal. But it started to make sense to me when I looked at what I could be doing so much better. Maybe God knows what he’s doing when he requires us to wait a seemingly long time for a romantic relationship. In our deep struggles connected with the opposite gender/love/families, there are issues we must work through on our own and there are issues we work through with our spouses. Maybe God’s “holding off” because I’m still working on me. Because He’s still working on me.

And that’s okay. In fact, it’s awesome. I still fall short, but God is in the process of restoring me. When his timing is right, a guy and I will end up running the race together and being perfected by God together. Jeramy Clark writes, “You’re running on your own, then one day you notice someone running next to you at the same pace and in the same direction. You can run together without hindrance because your course is the same."

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6 (NASB)

P.S. I welcome any suggestions for books and articles on this or any other subject.

Relationships... And Crazy People.

I struggled for a long time with how to introduce this post. On one hand, I am a die-hard introvert who struggles to make small talk and who has difficulty keeping up with lots of people. On the other, I love friends and community and challenges and deep dialogue. So, relationships are complicated for me, to put it simply.

This does not mean that they are not rewarding. The longer I’m at college, the more amazing relationships become. I mean, who would have thought that guy friends can be so cool? Or that the girls I shared a bathroom with would actually become young ladies I could cry with and laugh with. Or that a friend with a similar home situation would sob on my shoulder, and I on hers. Or that God would bless me with not one, but two awesome roommates. Or that a community would actually wrap their arms around me. I mean, really.

However, do not take this to mean that relationships are in any way easy. I mean, the fact that we have to work for them usually makes them as rewarding as they are. But they’re so difficult!

To paraphrase my friend who led Sunday School this morning, a relationship can be defined as a shared understanding between two people. This understanding involves expectations which we assume will be met by the other person. These expectations are 1) Care for each other (concern, acknowledgement, etc), as well as 2) Mutual intimacy through shared enjoyment of each other or a mutual interest, goal, principle, or activity. Basically, when either of the expectations are not met, there is a sudden rift and pain in the friendship. This pain is called shame.

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I want to focus specifically on a couple “pain” feelings I’ve dealt with recently.

For one, I recently got upset with my roommate. Long story short, I ended up washing three loads of dishes. I told a mutual friend that I was not going to wash the dishes and that I was leaving them for my roommate, but in the end I just couldn’t leave them. It was not my job to wash these dishes, I didn’t use them and they weren’t mine, but I washed them anyway. Why?

In the past, I have succumbed, I guess, to other people’s wishes. I blamed myself when things went wrong. I did more than my share of the group project. I drove to events or church or school even when I didn’t want to. I felt sick when there were confrontations or arguments between two other people around me. While I was washing the dishes tonight, I realized I was beating up myself. I kept saying “I should have made her wash the dishes. Maybe then she wouldn’t leave a pile. But what would Jesus do? Isn’t it right to lay down what I want for someone else? I know this isn’t the first time this has happened, but I’m a compassionate, forgiving person. Why, so I can let this happen again?” It was ridiculous. All that said, I washed the dishes.

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Secondly, an issue we talked about this morning is what I like to term “soul-disclosure.” It’s the act of disclosing not only information about yourself, but also the deeper things. When you meet someone and you talk about where you’re from, your family, what you do, that sort of stuff is self-disclosure. When you start talking about God, your testimony, your hopes and dreams, your doubts and fears, your wounds and compromises, and boundaries, things have shifted from self-disclosure to soul-disclosure.

From personal experience, I would say that all close relationships with our Christian brothers and sisters should be at a level of soul-disclosure, but the level of depth is up to you. A relationship of mine suffered and the friendship ended several weeks ago because there was a miscommunication about the expectations involved. You must be careful with soul-disclosure, because this is intimate stuff. The fear is that if we reveal a certain aspect of our souls, we will be rejected. That is why soul-disclosure must only be given when trust has been established. And even then, hurt can still happen.

This is where my pain comes from. With regards to soul-disclosure, the perfectly normal and good expectation was not met, and I experienced shame. It’s why I feel like I’m too much or not enough. And I’m still dealing with it – it doesn’t go away immediately by itself. But God is good. Because through this, he is refining me like gold through fire. He’s teaching me how to let him love me. But more on that later.

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In closing, I believe that we need each other. Greatly. The Christian community is so essential for the Christian. If for no other reason, go to church for the people.

With that said, I would invite you to make peace with Christian brothers or sisters you need to reconcile with. In the past few weeks, good friends have come to me and said, “I apologized to so-and-so” or “Hey, I got to talk with so-and-so” and it is amazing hearing their stories. The thing that has made life so much better for me the past year was forgiving my dad last March. So, if you’re waiting to make peace, here’s the encouragement.

I also encourage you to shake up the way you express love. For example, I often end conversations with “Love you!” or compliment a friend with “I love you!” While it’s wonderful to say that, and I am not lying, I feel as if few people really understand. I’ve decided I’m going to actually define “I love you” when I say it. This means that I’m going to be saying what I mean, however weird it sounds. “I enjoy spending time with you,” “I value your thoughts and feelings,” and “I’m here for you” are all ways to say “I love you” without the awkward connotations or confusion. It really clarifies what I actually feel. Now by all means, there is something significantly important to the words "I love you," but sometimes they need defining.

Finally, define love. And love the people around you. God's given them to you for a reason.

The One Thing Not On The List

A friend and I were speaking recently about our dreams and goals for the future. I am definitely a goal-setter and I've become more of a "goal-reacher" since I've gone to college. Anyway, I told this friend about the list I'm making of all the things I want to do in the next 10 and 1/2 years. Eventually, I want to complete thirty goals before I turn thirty. So, my friend immediately told me the goal that would be number one on her list: Getting married.

Ironically, that was the one thing I decided not to put on my list.

I've wrestled with the idea of marriage for a long time. I guess since I was 13, when I wrote the first letter to my future husband. That was also the year my mom gave me a purity ring and I made the decision to save my first kiss for my fiance. Since then, dating and marriage have been familiar, yet strangely foreign, topics to me. Like knowing how to cook, but never having cooked yourself. You might know the steps to making scrambled eggs, but it takes experience to get it right.

Of the little experience I have with guys, I feel like it's all been a big mess. I know that I have grown a lot because of the icky and awkward situations I have dealt with and I know that they have prepared me for what is to come. But that doesn't change the fact that they were still icky and awkward and often painful situations. Yet after all of that awkwardness, I've still had comparatively little experience. I have yet to enter a dating relationship. It's a little disheartening.

I'm torn between two thoughts: I'm nineteen and I still have the rest of my life to find a great guy, get married, have kids, and settle down and I'm a college sophomore, the chances of meeting a guy after college are small and I want to get married so I can have kids before I'm thirty.

But the honest-to-goodness fact is that I can't control my love life. I can't make anyone like me. I can't manufacture an awesome guy and waltz him right on into my life at the perfect time. It doesn't work like that. Relationships are one of those things with which we must trust God. That does not mean I'm called to be an indifferent, uncaring, boring, turtleneck-wearing, nun... you get the picture. So, yeah, my list of 30 things to do before I'm 30 currently does not include anything that would require a man by my side. I'm not finished writing it yet, so that may change later. Right now it simply includes things I want to do for me and others before I reach the big "3-oh." I have time. I have a little less than 11 years.

Does this mean that if, within the next 11 years, God brings my future husband into my life, I can't marry him? Of course not. It simply means that I'm not going to put a time limit on God's schedule for my life. I'm not going to tell God that he has to work within these parameters and this calendar. I'm going to let God have his way with me. And if his way is that I live in a shack in the middle of India when I'm thirty, where I can't own a piano, open a long-term savings account, or any of the other things on my list (excluding visit more countries or go on another mission trip), then so be it. Because his plans are going to be so much better than mine.

On the other hand, just because I'm letting God take control, that doesn't mean I don't care. I was visiting a church for a service for college-aged young adults. The topic for the night was marriage and someone asked, "I'm 18. Why do I need to talk about marriage now?" The pastor answered, "Because if you wait until you're twenty-five, it will be too late." God's got a plan and I'm going to pray hard and prepare diligently (and let myself be prepared) so I'll be ready for what he has for me and even for what Satan throws me at me.

This means that whether I start dating in two months or in two years, or whether I get married in five years or in fifteen years, God is still in control. And that's why I'm not putting it on my list. Because God is still in control. And with something as big as marriage, I don't want to jeopardize God's plan with my desire to beat a timeline.

Oh, The Promises

I would never do you wrong or let you down or lead you on.

- Lifehouse

I will never cross the line. I won't tell you any lies. I was sent here for the rescue.

- Tyler Ward

A girl like you is impossible to find. ... Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep.

- Secondhand Serenade

I never knew that I could love someone the way that I love you.

- Ben Rector

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again.

- Anberlin (originally by The Cure)

They say that emotional arousal/attachment is the pornography of women. Romantic fantasies. Chick flicks. Yep. We get the twisted idea that all guys should be like that. We get all excited. Heart starts racing, mind starts inventing all kinds of things that were never there. Don't lie to me, you do it too.

I guess now is the time to confess my guilty pleasure... These songs. These promises sung oh-so-sweetly. Seriously, I know these songs are sung appropriately - mostly with pure intentions. One of the quotes I even took out of context to prove my point. But I like all of these songs. Some of them have played on my iTunes as I'm writing this.

Ladies, because our minds are filled with "images" of the perfect guy (or of what he says), we tend to attach song lyrics and movie lines and emotions to our boyfriends, interests, crushes, and guy friends. It could be disastrous, for a couple reasons.

1. He could be saying or doing those romantic things he does just to keep us and get us to do things for him (Guys give love to get sex, girls give sex to get love.)
2. We could be forcing what we want onto the relationship, thinking there's more going on than there actually is.

I will confess, I'm probably too cynical for my own good. I don't want to be hurt again. But it's really ridiculous that I'm always concerned a guy has ulterior motives. Yeah, I will admit: guys are stupid. (In reality, girls aren't that smart, either.) But, honestly - do guys really mean what they say? Or maybe the better question is: do they mean it the way girls think they mean it? I guess as girls we attach code to everything. Maybe to a guy "I enjoy talking with you" really just means "I enjoy talking with you," for goodness' sake!

Maybe we should all just listen to Foreign Language and call it a day?

Unfortunately, no. Haha. I'll tell you what I know. Please comment if you'd like to add anything.

• Guys like to promise great and outrageous things to the people they love.
• But, guys... The problem is that the girl will remember everything you tell her. Everything. And she will hold you to it, which means she's stuck to you. Bad idea. (Exception: The good news is that making a statement like that to your wife or long-term girlfriend can be good - you are offering her your strength. She will admire that. Do not fail her or she will kill you, though.)
• Girls, not only should you take care to guard your heart around guys (by not freely giving of it to be mishandled), you should also guard your heart around music or fashion or magazines or books or movies. Whatever floats your boat. Guard your heart around it. Be careful with it.
• Finally, ask God for strength. Guys, ask God to guide and direct your steps around the impressionable young ladies you interact with. You may need to be up front and honest about your plans for the future of the relationship. You may need to reevaluate the things you say to her. Girls, ask God to guide and direct your steps around the young men you interact with. Don't put more on them than they can handle. And don't rush what God's doing.

Finally, know that God's romance story for your life is so much better than anything Nicholas Sparks could have ever written.

Deepest Fear

In Captivating, Stasi Eldredge writes:

Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

She is right. Read it again if you don't believe me.

There is a loveliness and a beauty and a mystery in women that we find and experience naturally but feel somehow opposed to.

When we see the need to spend more time with people, to get involved in their lives, to mentor and to serve, we hear Don't take on more than you can handle. You can't take their problems and yours at the same time. Why would they want to trust you with their problems anyway? And besides, you don't have the compassion or hospitality to minister to hurting people.

When we want to dress up and look our best, we hear You are just trying to get attention and make people look at you. You really aren't beautiful and none of that jewelry or make-up is going to cut it. It's a hopeless case.

Or what about this one? When we feel let down by yet another guy, we hear You are not worth it. No guy will pursue you because you're too messy, too emotional. You're not enough of a woman, so no guy will waste his time on you. No guy will have the courage and strength to approach you.

Ladies, this leads to the deepest fear of a multitude of women, and probably you, too. The fear of being abandoned and alone. The fear that no one will ever find you captivating or beautiful. The deep desire to be noticed, sought after, comforted, reached, encouraged, desired.

Those sentences in italics above are lies. Lies. Don't believe them. Satan likes to tell us lies, because we believe them so easily. The truth is that you are loved and admired and ransomed and held and found captivating by the only guy who actually has a say in the matter: God.

And the cool part is that He is more than willing and completely able to bless you with the companionship of friends and even a faithful husband, to further reveal His truth to us.

And the hard part is that we are all broken, messed up people. God is working to redeem and restore us, but we will be broken until we realize heaven. So, yeah, we're going to believe Satan's lies sometimes. We're going to be let down by people we trust. We're going to be told face-to-face that we are too much or not enough for the guys in our lives, for the friends we trust.

Guys [I'm wondering if any guys would read this far, but anyway], there are girls in your life right now who are asking these questions and believing these lies, and there's probably a girl out there who will one day marry you who is doing the same thing. All you can do is point these girls to God. The Eldredges write that a girl's biggest question is, "Am I captivating?", and the thing is that a guy cannot answer a girl's question (nor can a girl answer a guy's). Mostly, the parents, especially the dad, answer the questions. In addition, God is the supreme question-answerer, and His answers really matter. Anyway, guys, you can also be a stable force in the lives of these girls. Just being there is a great thing.

Finally, girls, remember that God has blessed you abundantly. And above all, he is faithful.

He will never fail you.

Patience Is a Virtue

"The kind of guys who would go after you your first semester [or first year of college] are not the kind of guys you should date and marry." - My Lovely RA

Believe me, it feels good to be approached by a guy first semester freshman year of college (or even high school) and realize he's paying attention to you. I'm not going to lie and tell you that attraction is bad or wrong. It's normal. And granted, we all like people to notice us.

However, with the entering of college or high school that first semester, suddenly you are surrounded by so many new people. There are a lot of new things to experience, new people to meet, new friends to get to know, new things to do. My advice is to put off dating. For a long while.

When they say patience is a virtue, they aren't lying. To tell you the truth, I've never heard someone say, "Yeah, we waited until we knew each other better or whatever before we started dating and it was the worst decision we ever made." Who says that? If anything, it's typically a positive to wait.

Wait for how long and for what? I don't want to give specific details, since, well, I've never been there, but typically, if you've been in a relationship before, you should wait before you get in another relationship the length of time of your last relationship. If you were dating someone for 6 months, you should probably wait at least 6 months before dating again. If you haven't been in a relationship before, I'd say you should know the person 6 months to a year (And I'd really push a year) before entering into an exclusive dating relationship. Obviously, group dating/outings are different.

Someone wise once told me, "You should never date until you're happy being single." Which, actually, is the over-arching point of this entire blog-post. If you're out there visibly looking for a significant other, if you found the perfect guy or girl who makes you feel happy... Not exactly a prime reason to begin a relationship. In addition, I just want to remind you that singleness is a beautiful gift as well. Allow God to do something great and lovely in you and through you before have a guy/girl in your life.

I don't know if I'm just vastly old-fashioned, but I love the idea of being a lady in waiting, having what Proverbs 11:16 (in the Message) describes as "gentle grace". None of this flirtatious, go-ask-the-guy-out-because-he's-too-much-of-a-pansy stuff. Guys are called to be men. I don't know how much you believe that.

But there's something that girls, especially some around me, have forgotten. Being a man does not mean that a guy should ask you out immediately. Girls get so tired of waiting on guys to do the asking, but imagine what would happen if he asked too quickly or never left you alone. There's something more beautiful, more manly, even, in a guy giving a girl he happens to like a little more space, in "casually" bumping into her at the cafeteria, for example. By all means, there is a time to make your intentions known - it's typically called the "defining the relationship talk" - and it's different from asking her on a date. But that time does not need to happen as soon as you meet her.

There's an anonymous quote that is used to compare relationships to grains of sand. If you've ever held a handful of sad tightly in your fist, you know what I mean...

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be.

I know it sounds anti-pop culture, or whatever, but it's true. The greatest test to see if something if really for you is if you let it go and it doesn't go away. To apply this, if you stop trying to control a relationship and let God do the writing of your story, it's actually going to work out the way God desires and has planned. Believe me, it does. God has a plan and a purpose for you and your love life. Take the risk to believe it.

Please don't get wrong, I am not condemning or ridiculing those who have begun dating relationships, even Freshman year. I am simply offering advice, wisdom, and encouragement to those who haven't entered these relationships and/or will face the opportunity soon.

To My Sisters in Christ

Dear Sisters,

I pray these things for us, as daughters of the King. Remember, you are valuable. And God has picked out a guy for you who values you. Don't settle for anything less.

Wait for the guy who makes you want to dive deeper into God. Wait for the guy who reminds you how incredible God is and how beautiful he's made his creation. Wait for the moment when God gives you his peace and his blessing about his gifts and his timing. Wait for the guy who is a gift from God, not a burden or an infatuation.

Wait for the guy who will wait, not only for you, but also for God's timing. Wait for the guy who will not let waiting become more awkward than it is. Wait for the guy who respects you. Wait for the guy who chases God with everything he is.

Wait for God's guy for you.

With love,

Your Sister In Christ

A Call to Patience... Again

Yesterday, I wrote about waiting for marriage. But I feel like I aimed it specifically at those people who were and are dating. However, there is a different kind of patience (or, more accurately, a different place where patience is needed): that window of time between wanting to date and actually going on a date.

For those of you, like me, who are on the latter list (having never had a date), I have three words for you: Do not despair. On the very serious side of things, you have the rest of your life to find a true, honest, and Christlike guy or girl to marry - you don't need to obsess over it now. This came to mind as I was writing yesterday's post and I said that most people date between the ages of 15 and 25. It's funny, because I was so concerned about dating years ago, yet I'm only three years into this supposedly "taboo" margin. So stop worrying!

"Yeah," you say, "It sounds easy enough. But I feel like everyone else is dating. All the popular girls at school have boyfriends, my roommate's got a great girlfriend..."

The truth is that you are you for a purpose. Your future significant other, whether you've already met each other, whether you'll date a ton of other people before him/her, is who they are for a purpose. And your meeting and dating and marriage is, guess what, for a purpose. So don't underestimate or belittle God. He knows what he's doing with your life. He understands how you feel - but he has an all-encompassing, world-wide plan! He's never late, he's never preoccupied, he's the creator and commander of the universe - so he can handle your love life.

Why don't you let him? And be patient! You'll be glad you did.

If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.

- Habakkuk 2:3

Did I Miss Out?

Over the course of my adolescence, I've had crushes on many guys. Some were painful emotions which lasted for years, and some were moment-long butterflies.

I caught a glance of one of the guys I recently liked at youth group. The butterfly feelings were unmistakable - and strong. I hadn't felt them in a long time. I looked away. And I felt guilty for my fleeting look, however innocent, because I knew a friend of mine was interested in this guy.

And when my mind wandered to her feelings for this guy, my guilt turned to disappointment. All my middle school daydreams of meeting the perfect guy in high school, walking to and from classes with him, being escorted to senior prom by him... Gone.

The question I'm asking is - Did I miss out on something in High School because I didn't date? Am I missing what "everyone else" had?

I'll let you know ten years from now when I'm a happy wife and a mother!

It's not the places you go...

...but the people you know who make life worth it.

A girl who I know through a mutual organization, thought not personally, got married on Friday, which was also her birthday. She's my age, a high school senior. I looked at her wedding pictures, her gorgeous dress, her lovely cake, and the smiling face of her now-husband as he walked her to his car, and I wondered if I could get married my senior year of high school. I don't know this girl's situation firsthand, so I can't explain her early marriage.

After her 18th birthday in November, my grandmother married my grandfather in January 1965. She completed her last four months of high school as a married woman, living with my grandfather and his family to escape the abuse of her often drunk stepfather.

What about me? I mean, yeah, if I loved the guy and all, but really, I've got my whole life ahead of me! It really gets you thinking, though, about what would happen if things went differently. I really don't feel ready for a marriage yet. I barely know who I am, not to mention taking care of a husband and learning who he is. And, of course, with a husband comes children...!

Sometimes I'm glad I've never had a boyfriend in high school. One less thing to stress over and one more reason to wait a while before committing to anything. But there's always college! And there's plenty of time to get married in the future.
I'll wait on God's timing.

What really matters?

Years from now, will it really matter who I went to prom with?

When I'm standing there in my green cap and gown, will it matter if I had a date in high school?

When I set foot on the TFC campus, will it matter if I wore a $400 dress or a $100 dress to prom?

When I stand in the front of a classroom and teach twenty-something teenagers about English literature, will it matter if I was the most popular girl in school?

Walking down the aisle to stand beside the man I'll spend the rest of my life with, will I really care if I wasn't Homecoming Queen or Student Body President? I mean, honestly!

Neither a resume nor a boyfriend make you a better person or a stronger Christian.

But with a heart wholly devoted to God, nothing is impossible.

So...

... I talked to the guy today. Everything's wonderful. I know why he was acting strange, and things are getting better. I'm proud of him again. It's going to work out great, I think. And he texted me tonight about a Key Club event tomorrow (and said some funny things along the way).

Anyway, the play is going nicely and I have high hopes it will go well. My co-star (lol, he's really the star) is jut getting better and better.

Prom is a different story. A friend of mine was going to ask a guy friend of hers from our Math class to go to Prom with her. But he's taken. By the one girl she can't stand - a girl who flirted very obviously with him when she still attended our school. I know it's all just school drama, but my friend is upset. She had planned a perfect prom around her daydreams, and now it's not coming true. Now she's planning to take a guy friend of hers who attends a different school and who is friends with another one of our girl friends. (If this isn't making sense, it's okay!) Anyway, her mom doesn't know this guy personally, and would much rather if I double-dated with her. Now the problem is finding me a date. There are only 2 options in the senior class (My guy from Homecoming is taken) and I would be completely willing to attend prom with either one. The problem is actually getting one.

My friend wants to ask one of them to ask me. But isn't that kind of middle-school-ish? I don't know. It's all so complicated.

I guess I will wait until after the play is over to bother with that. I mean, sure, prom is important. But there's still time. And I'm not ready to dive into that realm again for some time. Guys are just so complicated.

Guys…

You can’t live with them; you can’t live without them.

Back in January, I asked a guy a year younger than me to escort me to Homecoming, where I received the title of Miss Senior. He was a very Godly guy who had served as a Key Club officer with me.

Before Homecoming, everything was relatively normal. He was a typical guy: funny, approachable. During Homecoming prep and that night, we was so hilarious, and everything he said was perfect. After Homecoming, things started to change.

By now, everything is different. He won’t look at me, won’t talk to me. Last Thursday, I saw his mom (who’s really sweet) and she suggested we take can tabs the Key Club had been collecting to the Ronald McDonald house together. He didn’t seem too happy. Earlier last week, I was speaking with him and my faculty advisor about college choices. He wouldn’t look in my direction. This morning, he saw me behind him, but he didn’t hold the door for me – which is something he knows is important to me.

In accordance with advice from my mom and one of my friends (and against the advice of another friend), I’ve decided to speak to him about it. I will do that tomorrow.

Oh, and did I mention he has a date to prom? Not me, of course. I mean, I would like him to go to prom with someone he likes, a girl from his class. Of course, that leaves me with the senior guys who wouldn’t go out with me to save their lives.

What’s a girl to do?

Poetry No. 1

(No, poetry is not required to have rhyme or rhythm. This is called "free verse".)

The Same Anymore

Did you want more?
I saw it as a date to serve a purpose
A function in which I needed someone on my arm
It was a chance to get to know you and enjoy myself that night

Did I want more?
Maybe you saw it as my invitation
And when I didn't take another step in that direction
Were you wondering? Were you let down? Is that why things just aren't

the same anymore?