Impossible

It's become almost like a curse word to me now: the "i" word. Let me explain...

My last full day in Asia, my own shortsightedness and humanity hit me in the face. For all my group's previous large-group meetings, we had been in a fairly big room with a projector, floor to ceiling windows, and several rows of chairs. Yet for some reason, we were scheduled to gather in a much smaller room for our final meeting. My roommate and I arrived around 8 minutes early to find the room empty, save for a few scattered tables. We were very confused.

A minute later, a man arrived who would be conducting part of the meeting. He clarified who he was and that this was the room we were meeting in, and then he asked for our help to arrange the room. We began folding tables and unstacking chairs as more people arrived. Soon, there were at least ten of us arranging rows and occasionally pausing to count the chairs.

The entire time, I kept saying to myself and, even more unfortunately, to the people around me: "This is not going to work. There isn't enough room. This area is too small. How are we going to fit more than seventy people in here?" I remember once, leaning over to my roommate and saying a bit too loudly, "This is just impossible."

Less than ten minutes later, the room was arranged and seating was provided for more than seventy people.

When I realized what had just happened, I felt extremely humiliated. I found a seat on the second row and sat down, feeling awkward and probably blushing a bit. The good news is that the man who had asked us to help wasn't bothered at all by my doubt, and he struck up a conversation with me before the meeting started.

It occurred to me later that God did a lot of impossible things this summer. I mean, seriously, I lived half-way around the world for more than five weeks and not only survived, but loved it. My team and I led, organized, and taught a three-week English camp to almost 200 Asian teenagers. I built friendships with my team, my students, and a bunch of Lao college kids that I hope will be lasting. I saw the need for prayer and some methods of prayer and I discovered the importance of intentionality in relationships. I lost my wallet, but thankfully not my ID or passport, and I received my replacement debit card in the mail in perfect timing. And, with about 9 other people, I set up seventy chairs in a room which I thought could not hold that many people.

And I realized: Nothing is impossible for God. When I'm putting my trust in the Almighty Father, He is truly that: All. Mighty. Omnipotent. Can't the One who created the world also work in the world? He is not a hands-off God, He is an active and present and all-knowing God.

Nothing is impossible for Him. He works everything out in His ways and with His provision. We may feel as if that limits Him, but it doesn't. It only shows his greatness and omnipotence. I guess I should stop saying that things are impossible. Saying that just proves that I am not trusting my Father. "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)

What I'm Listening To:

"Grace" - Tenth Avenue North

"You Do All Things Well" - Tenth Avenue North

Appointment With Dr. House, Please?

I cannot vouch for any coherence of thought in this post, considering it is after 10pm and I’ve taken medicine, but I wanted to share a bit about what’s going on.

It’s been a really weird week. On Monday, my three-hour night class was shortened to individual 15 minute meetings, which left me slightly unoccupied and worried I was missing something. I’ve had a headache since Tuesday, accompanied by some dizziness and nausea. The doctor I saw at the clinic thinks it might be congestion from sinuses or allergies, so he’s pumping me full of meds and hoping something sticks.

Not only that, but on Tuesday, I spilled my favorite Thai noodles all over my favorite outfit, the couch, and the floor around the microwave in my dorm, before I had even taken a bite. I was so upset. After that, nothing I ate could make me full. Also, a lot of events are happening this weekend, from Thursday night, when high school students came to visit our college, to tonight, when our college has rented out a theater at the local cinema for everyone to watch The Hunger Games. Unfortunately, I have not been able to attend most of these events due to my headache and dizziness.

I’m trying not to complain. Some of my friends have graciously volunteered their time (thank you Tiffany) or their driving abilities (you too, Jeremy and Lula) to help me out.

The problem is that somewhere deep inside, I’m afraid this is not congestion and the medicine is not going to work. Even with some good pain killers, my head and neck still hurt, and I’m pretty sure the antibiotics are not doing anything.

This whole experience is teaching me a lot about being needy, about not being to do things by myself.

I love driving people places. For a while, I considered it my personal ministry to physically bring people to church. I prefer to drive or to ride in the front seat anywhere I go. So, of course, the medicine the doctor prescribes me has specific warnings against operating moving vehicles. It’s hard to be independent when standing up and walking up stairs is a slow and sometimes dizzying process, not to mention not even being allowed to drive!

Yet hasn’t God called us to be utterly dependent on him? We should never be fearful or afraid or weak, but we are never alone and we should never “lean on our own understandings.”

While I’m filling out my application for the Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital’s diagnostic team’s next case, I’m also searching for God. Do I really think I can survive this crazy, messed-up life on my own? Of course not. My hope is found in God alone. Being seen by the great Dr. House would be awesome, but only God can truly heal my spirit and direct my paths.

It's at the point of not knowing that we begin to trust and have faith.

See Psalm 70:5, Isaiah 41:17, and Philippians 4:19.

Fully Restored

In the past week or so, more than two people have told me, verbatim: “God is faithful.” None of these people know that since this past Easter, God’s been showing me that he’s faithful.

Somewhere along the line, I forgot that God was faithful. I started having doubts again. I was so fearful and uncertain and worried. Things happened in life that almost took away my joy. Surprisingly, as soon as I made the decision to stop fighting what God was doing and allow Him to keep working, joy and peace and hope instinctively took over.

It was like the difference between night and day. Suddenly, I noticed the birds singing in the trees, I noticed how blue the sky was, I marveled at the bright stars. God is faithful.

God is faithful to always be here. I felt so far from him the past few weeks, but he is still here and he has never left. I may feel far away because of circumstances or choices or a lack of a Christ-focused mindset, but God is here.

And God is faithful to redeem and restore us. He will not leave us in the broken state in which we find ourselves. He will not leave us in the sin wrapped around our wrists. Our goal should be to become more like Christ – and through this God is repairing those broken pieces. We will always have scars, but those are just reminders of what God has done in saving us.

I have begun to acknowledge this amazing hope and joy in my heart today, and as I do, the things that threaten it seem both more menacing and yet so small in comparison. I am reminded that I cannot do this alone. We cannot think positive thoughts about negative things by ourselves. It takes an amazing God. And yes, it hurts. Restoration hurts a ton, but it is so beautiful. We must let God into the darkest, deepest places and surrender that which he calls us to give up, and he will make us whole again.

On the day when we meet Christ Jesus, we will be fully restored. We are not there yet, but that is where we are moving. And that makes me so joyful. Because my God is faithful.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

– Philippians 4:8

Be Careful What You Pray For

The weather's changing, which always makes me start feeling a little more. Sometimes it's feeling empty and alone, sometimes refreshed and in love with God.

College is awesome as always, although I'm constantly comparing each semester. Last year, especially last semester, I was so busy and stressed that I really had to trust God. I depended on God for so much - every minute I needed to study, every quarter I needed for laundry, every hour I needed for work, every friendship I needed for community. It was intense, because sometimes I wasn't sure of hardly anything.

In addition, the majority of the stress was my own fault. No one needs three leadership positions, a student ministry, 15 hours of work, and 5 classes. Looking back, I see now how a lot of that was an attempt to stifle what I was actually trying to work towards. I've written it about before, but one of the ways that women try to cope with emotional wounds is by becoming driven, dominating, and busy. She hides behind everything she has to do. While I was saying I was striving for dedicated, deep friendships and an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, I was painfully running away from those by having too much to do all the time.

Which brings me to my next point. When I was as busy as I was last semester, I rarely stayed very late after my Thursday night ministry (a small group for my fellow college kids). I just didn't have the time, and I was exhausted from all the late nights I had already pulled that week.

But this past week, as this ministry resumed this semester, the leadership team bathed each other and the night in prayer shortly before we started. The four of us went around in a circle praying for God to reveal himself, for great things to happen, for people to come to a deeper relationship with God. It was great. When it was my turn, I prayed this amazingly dangerous prayer... I asked God to "wreck our schedules."

If you don't know me very well, I am a schedule freak. Literally, I have my calendar on my phone. I have my weekly schedule (a color-coordinated Excel Document) taped to the side of my desk. I have a sticky note on my desk that I replace every week with that week's homework assignments. I started wearing a watch last summer, and checking it has been both a life-saver and an annoying habit. So, for me to pray for God to "wreck our schedules" was a really big deal.

In fact, God answered that prayer. Our worship leaders ended up substituting a couple songs on the set list, cutting out a song I love. There was a shift in our notes, and my co-leader and I ended up jumping ahead, then having to come back around to the points we missed. For closing worship, one of our worship leaders lead us outside to sit and lay in the grass as we worshiped. God answered that prayer! Tangibly!

...And I was so angry.

I honestly do not know why. I've been asking for God to do something. I've been asking for answers to prayer and trying to look for them. So when God did something that I could actually see, I don't know why, but I became upset. Angry. Disoriented. I couldn't name the feeling.

After our ministry was over and everyone left, I sat on the edge of the stage beside my co-leader and two other friends, surrounded by their compassion, as they held my hands or touched my shoulders. And I prayed. Real, honest prayer. Half the time, I forgot they were there. I prayed that I would learn to trust. I prayed for each aspect of life that I wasn't trusting God with: church, homework, friendships, singleness, etc. I asked for forgiveness for being upset with what God was doing. We sang a couple songs together. Later that night, recounting the story to my current and former roommates, I cried.

God, I'm so messed up. Why do you love me?

Because I choose to.

The title of this post is kind of a joke, because we should be praying with abandon, praising and confessing to God, not simply repeating a laundry list of requests. So chill out. Stop running. During first semester, God kept telling me, "Alex, stop and let me love you." When we have some time to stop and breathe Him in, we'll actually hear what God is saying. And what a beautiful time to listen to Him than early autumn.

Take It or Leave It

The English idiom "take it or leave it" has two distinct meanings. It can mean that the other person must take your offer and you will not compromise (think of making an offer at a pawn shop or auction). It can also mean that the item is not important or wanted enough to be overly concerned about ("Sushi's not my favorite, but I'll eat it... I could take it or leave it").

God's been asking me to take it or leave it recently. For example, there was a circumstance with a situation I wanted to remedy, a person I wanted to hold on to, and God said, "Hey, if I asked you to, could you totally let this go? Could you take it or leave it?" I realized I had to leave it behind. It just wasn't worth it.

But I want to focus on taking or leaving something else that has been bothering me for a while now. Being in a two-parent household for the first time in ten years, where my stepdad works two jobs just because he wants to, we are better off financially more than we were in the past. It's difficult to watch (and I often feel uncomfortable over) the amount of money my family spends - even though comparatively, it's not outrageous. Having experienced ten years with no internet or cable at home and PB&J instead of Filet Mignon, I feel weird when we drop a nice amount at a Japanese steakhouse, for example. In addition, spending eight or so months in a culture where 86 cent Ramen noodles are regular fare, gas money is hard to come by, and half of my peers have first-hand accounts of starving children in Africa, has shaped me.

Speaking of college, during this past year, I hesitated to speak about money. The times I did, I received some weird looks or a snide comment. I always offered to drive friends, and I bought what I needed (and even some of what I wanted) on regular Walmart trips. And many times it made me uncomfortable. I give to church and to missions, but why do I have more than other people? (Maybe so I can give, and give freely, to church and missions and friends? Hm.)

Through all this, I've wrestled with the desire to minister to those who appear well-off. I'm unsure if this desire is from God (a "missionary to the mansions" kind of thing) or from me (cushy lifestyle instead of just scraping by). Years ago, I was struggling with this same thing as I babysat for both a wealthy family and a 'penny-pinching' family. I still remember a certain moment one night; I was sitting on my bedroom floor with a journal and I was just pouring all of this out to God. Eventually, I told him: "I will follow you to the mansion by the golf course country club or to the dirt-floor shack in the middle of India."

How true that is becoming! With a degree in English Education, which I plan to receive in 3 years, I could teach AP English Literature at an elite college-prep school in the Buckhead area of Atlanta. Or I could teach remedial reading at a Title I school in the low income county of Hancock. Or I could teach ESL at a school in China or Mexico. Or teach Chaucer and Bunyan at a middle-income Christian school in Greenville. Or teach sponsor-supported missionary kids at an International School in Spain. You get the picture.

God is asking me, "Alex, if I place you in a location, in a situation where money is prevalent, you must be willing to take it or leave it for me. You must love the people and not the stuff. And you must be willing to take me and leave everything else behind at a moment's notice." And you know what? This applies even today, too. There are so many things in life clamoring for my attention, my energy, my time, my faith, and my desire that God is often pushed aside from the forefront of my life. This should definitely not be so. I finished reading an allegorical book recently where the main character built an altar every time she began putting what she wanted (healing, human love, to go her own way, etc) above what God wanted for her. This is the way I should view my life. If I could drop it all for Christ - if I could take it or leave it - I'm on the right track. Matthew 19:29-30 says,

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

This does not mean we should disown our family to go live in the jungle in the middle of nowhere. But it does mean that God always comes first. I've heard countless stories of teenagers and young adults who wanted to pursue something God laid on their hearts, despite the words of naysayers like their parents. I think it all boils down to obedience. Am I willing to obey God no matter the cost?

See, Abraham did. And Ruth. Mary. Joseph. Jonah. Esther. They gave up their homes, possessions, reputations, safety, even their lives. So why do I find it so hard to give God even a full day of my time?

Finally, for months about a year ago before I left for college, I struggled with the idea of being satisfied in God. How can I be completely satisfied in God and not want or need anything else? Is God really all I need? Yeah, those kind of thoughts. But since last year, and even while writing this, it seems to me that God is revealing just how amazing he really is. Life with God does not even compare to anything else I could possibly want. Everything just looks bleak without God.

When I want God more than I want financial security or a relationship or a squeaky-clean reputation or perfect grades, I honestly can choose God over everything else and be perfectly okay with it. Yeah, it's going to hurt when I start to compare myself with others who have those things, but God is so much better. God's way is better, God's gifts are better, and God's peace is better. And you know what, God gives us the desires of our heart. I like to translate that verse (Psalm 37:4) as God giving us what we will desire (putting the desire in our hearts). Because God has a crazy way of giving us what we do want, be careful what you wish for! But anyway, God's not going to leave you high and dry unless he is actually bringing what you desire to you or he is asking you to sacrifice it on the altar to him. Either way, God's way is better. He is in the restoring business, the redeeming business. And he knows how to give good gifts to his children (Luke 11:13). Don't doubt that God knows what he's doing - even if it doesn't look like he is working for your good. Just be willing to obey whatever he asks of you.

Take it from a recent Tweet of mine:

God: "You are always right where I want you. Instead of complaining about circumstances, watch me do something bigger than you."

Deepest Fear

In Captivating, Stasi Eldredge writes:

Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

She is right. Read it again if you don't believe me.

There is a loveliness and a beauty and a mystery in women that we find and experience naturally but feel somehow opposed to.

When we see the need to spend more time with people, to get involved in their lives, to mentor and to serve, we hear Don't take on more than you can handle. You can't take their problems and yours at the same time. Why would they want to trust you with their problems anyway? And besides, you don't have the compassion or hospitality to minister to hurting people.

When we want to dress up and look our best, we hear You are just trying to get attention and make people look at you. You really aren't beautiful and none of that jewelry or make-up is going to cut it. It's a hopeless case.

Or what about this one? When we feel let down by yet another guy, we hear You are not worth it. No guy will pursue you because you're too messy, too emotional. You're not enough of a woman, so no guy will waste his time on you. No guy will have the courage and strength to approach you.

Ladies, this leads to the deepest fear of a multitude of women, and probably you, too. The fear of being abandoned and alone. The fear that no one will ever find you captivating or beautiful. The deep desire to be noticed, sought after, comforted, reached, encouraged, desired.

Those sentences in italics above are lies. Lies. Don't believe them. Satan likes to tell us lies, because we believe them so easily. The truth is that you are loved and admired and ransomed and held and found captivating by the only guy who actually has a say in the matter: God.

And the cool part is that He is more than willing and completely able to bless you with the companionship of friends and even a faithful husband, to further reveal His truth to us.

And the hard part is that we are all broken, messed up people. God is working to redeem and restore us, but we will be broken until we realize heaven. So, yeah, we're going to believe Satan's lies sometimes. We're going to be let down by people we trust. We're going to be told face-to-face that we are too much or not enough for the guys in our lives, for the friends we trust.

Guys [I'm wondering if any guys would read this far, but anyway], there are girls in your life right now who are asking these questions and believing these lies, and there's probably a girl out there who will one day marry you who is doing the same thing. All you can do is point these girls to God. The Eldredges write that a girl's biggest question is, "Am I captivating?", and the thing is that a guy cannot answer a girl's question (nor can a girl answer a guy's). Mostly, the parents, especially the dad, answer the questions. In addition, God is the supreme question-answerer, and His answers really matter. Anyway, guys, you can also be a stable force in the lives of these girls. Just being there is a great thing.

Finally, girls, remember that God has blessed you abundantly. And above all, he is faithful.

He will never fail you.

Great and Wonderful Things

Sometimes it's really easy to get angry at God for where we find ourselves. We look around and see things that are totally different from what we anticipated, and what do we do? We get angry and frustrated at God. We blame him for setting us up in a situation or at a place or with people we don't prefer.

And you know what? It's really ridiculous to think like that. Believe me, I've done it a million times. But why? Why don't we look for the positives? Why don't we look for what God is actually doing?

It's so easy, especially as college students, to look around see people in relationships, getting engaged and getting married, and become slightly depressed with that fact that we are not dating. Honestly, I hate to keep harping on this issue. But if I had a dollar for every conversation I've had in the past few weeks about relationships, both good and bad, I bet wouldn't even have to take out student loans!

Okay, maybe that was a hyperbole, but you get the point. Just stop with me and consider that maybe God has an unbelievable plan and purpose for you - and one of the qualities he might use to bring about his plan is your singleness. It's not crazy, it's practical. He did the same sort thing to prepare the world for the sending of his Son. Do you think it's any coincidence that the vast expanse of the Mediterrian world was controlled by one power (Rome), generally spoke the same language, had a huge transportation system, and began to accept Judaism as the legal religion about the same time that Jesus was born?

For example, last semester, God said to me: I want to do great and wonderful things in you and through you before there's a guy in your life. When I asked God to show me what those were, he put multiple things in my path, such as leading a Bible Study for the girls in my dorm, co-leading a student group on campus, starting my student ministry with the church, and multiple other ways I could get involved on campus and in my community - that I could do very efficiently while I'm single. God answered that prayer of mine with a very distinct answer. He gave me a reason to have faith, to believe in what I can't see, specifically that he has a plan for my life. He wants to use me to further his kingdom. And while it may seem like I'm a lonely single lady, God is really doing something beautiful in my life. The loveliest part of it is that he's using me to reach others. How amazing is that?

And guess what? He wants to use you, too. Exactly where you are.

Going Skydiving

Eric Ludy writes, "God is asking, 'How seriously are you going to trust me?'" How seriously are you trusting God? Do we really believe that God is enough? That he works everything out for good? That he is supreme and everywhere and all powerful? That we can rely on him for anything and everything?

We may say that we believe God is all powerful, but then we worry and doubt the outcome of a situation. That's normal, but it's not right. If God is really all powerful, what can't he do?

Likewise, we'll tell our friends, "Oh, yeah, God loves you and he's going to work out everything out for your good" then we complain or freak out as soon as plans change.

How seriously are you trusting God?

A friend once told me: "The opposite of faith is fear." Are you afraid? 1 Timothy tells us that God did not give us "a spirit of timidity", but one of "power, love, and self-discipline". In actuality, with God we have nothing to fear, because if God is for us, who can be against us?

So be willing to trust God. Ask him to give you the ability and desire to rely on him, to depend on him, to be less afraid and more faithful. God is faithful to us, and never failed us. He will never let you down. Give him your trust. Truly, unashamedly, ask him to show you how to trust, how to let go of the airplane and jump out so you can actually experience sky-diving. Ask him to give you a perfect opportunity to do so.

Often times we give a lot of our lives to God, but we hold back something for ourselves. Maybe this is your school work, your friendships, your romantic relationships, your speech or thoughts. Listen, God wants it all. Go sky-diving in every part of your life! Wrap it up in a box and set it at God's feet. Treat each issue of your life the same - an issue to bring before God and ask for his grace about. No problem is any different than the others.

So... How seriously are you willing to trust God? How seriously are you depending on him, relying on him, needing him for everything?

Trust him.