The Mystery of Grace

Towards the beginning of the summer, I wrote a post on my realization that God sees me, and that He is aware of me and cares specifically for me. Last week, after an incredible Spiritual Emphasis Week, I felt the need to write a post describing my interactions and reactions with what I learned in chapel.

But I was at a loss for words. Until tonight.

I was fighting the temptation to throw myself a pity party for some ridiculous reason when I hopped on to Twitter and saw a line from C.S. Lewis sitting on my homepage. 

Wow. "He sees because He loves, and therefore loves although He sees."

I acknowledged back in June that God loves us and sees us, but I still have a difficult time understanding God's love "although He sees." The fact that he loves even though he knows we are broken and messy. Being a natural rule-follower, I have legalistic tendencies, which show up in huge way in my interactions with sin and grace. Grace, to a rule-follower and people-pleaser like me, is ludicrous. It makes zero sense. Why would a perfect God choose to love and forgive a consistently sinful person like me? My confession is that I don't understand grace.

If God truly saw me, We reason, he would never love me. He would never forgive me. He would always be angry with me.
If my friends knew who I really was, they would be disappointed in me or just avoid me.
If, God forbid, I told my pastor or even a mentor or counselor, about my struggles or pain, I would be pegged as a psycho by everyone who knew.

Um, hello? None of that is true. I know, I know, it is so hard to believe it. For one, our godly friends are gifts from heaven who make up the body of Christ for us. They are there to bear our burdens.  A friend who will not only confront us with grace, but who will also hold us to accountable if and when we mess up again is extremely valuable (Galatians 6). Two, many times there are issues, struggles, or pain we legitmately cannot handle on our own. God gives us not only friends and family, but also pastors, mentors, counselors, and the like to walk with us through those dark places.

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I'm in my second semester of counseling right now. It seems like forever ago when I asked one of the counselors on campus if we could talk. We dealt with my parents' divorce. We identified practical steps for dealing with a broken friendship. We talked about a personal struggle. I found freedom in naming my issues. I was working to learn from them and move on from them.

I signed up to continue counseling this semester without even thinking about it. I came back here to school three weeks ago, moved in, and began weekly meetings again. We both knew there was more to my story. I ignored it and my counselor didn't press for it.

And then one day I told him that we could do "feeling journals" for the rest of the semester, but I didn't feel like we would go anywhere until I told him the rest of the story. (Paul Harvey, anyone? Anyway...)

"There's more." I said simply. He nodded. Silently and obviously, I gathered the courage to open the door into one of the darkest places of my heart. It took almost four weeks, not to mention the semester prior, to get to that point where I could let someone in on the "stuffed stuff," meaning, the thoughts and experiences I tried so hard to forget. They keep coming back because, until that point, they had not been dealt with. Now, it is freeing that someone else knows me to my core. It is freeing to have a safe place to talk about things that have been hidden for so long.

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So I have advocated for Christian siblings and for professional help, but I have failed to make the connection to God's grace. Yet. As Lewis said, "...He loves although He sees." Honestly, even as I sit here, I'm wondering if his love really is enough.

It seems to me that at any point, God could just stand up and say, "Look, Alex, I thought you were different. I thought my gift of salvation changed your life, but apparently you are still the sinful human now that you were back before salvation. It's too late for you. I'm tired of dealing with your crap."

Oh, how wrong that is! Brothers and sisters, God will never make that statement to any of us. I'm a firm believer in permanent salvation - God does not take it back.

Yet we know that God is holy, and, on our own, we are not. So, why does he love us? Because he wants to.

I was once told that the Japanese (and Chinese, I believe) symbol for righteousness is depicted by drawing the symbol for "lamb" above the symbol for "me." Thus, when God looks down from heaven, he doesn't see my sinfulness, but Christ (the lamb of God who took on the sin of the world) covering over me. (See more info here) This is righteousness. It is as if Jesus Christ, who never sinned, is like a white robe to cover me.

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One of the most significant things I learned from Spiritual Emphasis Week is that God wants to come sit with me in my brokenness. He loves me enough to want to be invited into the dark places of my heart so we can drink Chai lattes (my drink of choice!) and feel that pain together. I believe the Holy Spirit is the person of the trinity who does just that.

And the reason that God can come into my place of sinfulness and pain with me? He's already forgiven me for it. "Christ suffered for our sins once for all time" (1 Peter). I think He is able to feel my pain because we have a high priest who sympathizes with us, namely, Jesus. He loves me intimately and wants me to trust him with the dark places. Isn't that beautiful?

Friends, God will not give up on you. I went to a Tenth Avenue North concert this past weekend and I was blown away by the stories Mike Donehey (the lead singer) shared about God's grace. I had pre-ordered the new album, The Struggle, when it was first available, but it wasn't until I heard Mike share stories and Biblical truths behind the album's songs that I was aware of how they really capture the idea of God's grace.

I hope to post more about grace as I'm learning to understand what I can of it, but I will leave you with this chorus from "The Struggle," by Tenth Avenue North.

Hallelujah, we are free to struggle
But we're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
Children, drop your chains and sing

Suddenly, freedom in Christ becomes a much more beautiful thing. Yes, God sees us because he loves us. As a direct result, he also loves us even though he sees us. All of us. They say a true friend knows everything about you and still loves you.

Oh what a friend we have in Jesus...

Spiritually Prepared

My biggest fear going into college was that I wouldn't make any friends. God radically challenged and demolished that fear by blessing me with an amazing group of friends I have kept and loved these last two years. I would not be here without them.

Now, when it comes to my five week trip to Asia (which I leave for in 7 days!), my biggest fear is that I am not spiritually prepared enough. It's like this little sneaky feeling that I should be somewhere else (farther or deeper or stronger) in my relationship with God and that I'm just not there yet. I was actually really upset that I was not as "Christian" as I thought I should be before embarking on this trip.

The organization I'm serving with really emphasizes preparation and  pre-trip planning, even providing a Bible study, a journal devotional, and a book on servanthood to prepare us for the trip and the ministry we'll be doing. I think that's great, but it was affecting my outlook on the trip in general. I felt like I was not good enough to go to Asia in the first place. Fortunately, I was wrong. It's not about my "good-ness" or ability. It's about God's goodness and ability. He will equip me to do the good work he is calling me to. The pre-trip devotionals and Bible studies are for the purpose of opening my eyes and heart so I am willing to let him use me. They serve little purpose than to help me be aware, to help open and keep open the lines of communication between me and God.

Tirzah Presbyterian Church

I learned this while I was on a mini road trip today. This morning, I woke up at 6:30am and drove a little over an hour to a city a couple counties over from mine. It was fairly spontaneous, as the idea occurred to me late yesterday afternoon, and I wasn't sure exactly where I was going. I ended up doing everything I set out to do. First, I visited a tiny unincorporated community called Tirzah. In Hebrew, "Tirzah" is a female name which means "She is my delight" and it is found in the Bible as both a name and a city. I've always wanted to visit it just because of the name, but I learned today that the little town is just one street long! The road (Tirzah Rd) is about a mile and a half long and it literally has one church and a bunch of pretty houses. That's it. I wondered why I drove all the way there to drive down one street. Later, I went to the County library and found old records from the church, but nothing to explain why it was named Tirzah.

I think I set out trying to prove that I was beautiful or to find beauty. Maybe if I'm beautiful, I found myself reasoning, my Father will notice me. Or maybe I went about it trying to prove that I was somehow a good Christian, that I could go be away with God somewhere and have an amazing experience and come back spiritually renewed and glowing. Initially, I didn't set out looking to spend more time with God; I set out trying to be someone I wasn't.

Tirzah Road sign

After that random adventure, I drove to the Glencairn Gardens, a volunteer-run flower garden in the area. I spent some time taking pictures of nature and enjoying the scenery. Then I settled in for Jesus time. And let me tell you, God showed up without me needing to pressure him into coming. Or get down on my hands and knees and beg his presence. Not that there's anything wrong with asking God to be among us. The fact is that I learned that He already is. It matters so much to me that God sees me, that he notices me, that he finds me important, significant, and yes, beautiful. I failed to realize that he already does.

I don't have to do anything to get his attention because I already have it. He has carved my name into the palms of his hands. He doesn't just walk away when I need him or ignore me when I call him or find something more interesting to do. He always wants to hear my voice.

Flower at the Gardens

Thus, I realized I tend to focus on myself way too much. Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest had this to say today: "The continual inner-searching we do in an effort to see if we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, sickly type of Christianity, not the vigorous and simple life of a child of God."

I honestly felt like I wasn't good enough, and that held me back from doing so much. Chambers says that the correct attitude is to "launch out in reckless, unrestrained belief that the redemption is complete," because even if it isn't, we are made right with God in Christ, and we should move on from ourselves. At some point, we should not "worry anymore about [ourselves], but begin to do as Jesus has said...". Which is: prayer and service. Sometimes as Christians, we get this weird idea that sanctification and ministry are not simultaneous. I would like to argue that they almost always happen at the same time. God has saved me and is saving me and I'm working out my salvation through my work for God's kingdom.

The point is that God sees and notices and loves me. Sometimes I still have to be reminded of that. Because he so generously lavishes love and forgiveness on me, I can go and serve and minister to others, even if I don't feel perfect or even good enough. You know why?

Because we "are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that [we] may declare the praises of him who called [us] out of darkness into this wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:9). He chose us to serve him. And if we waited until we were perfect to start serving, we would be in heaven already. (Alone, of course, because a nice portion of that serving is missions work.)

In this post from March, I included 1 Peter 2:9 because I heard it twice in one less-than-two-hour period and I couldn't figure out why. However, today, when I opened My Utmost for His Highest and saw that 1 Peter 2:9 was the headlining verse, I knew God was going to speak to me through it. It was like he had given me a little taste beforehand so I'd know when to pay attention when he used that verse to speak to me. What a strange blessing from the Lord!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is going to use me how and where he wants me. He is going to equip me for the work to which he's called me. And I don't have to be superwoman or super-Christian. I just have to be willing.

What I'm Listening To:

"You're Beautiful" - Phil Wickham

"Something Beautiful" - NeedtoBreathe

Switchfoot on shuffle

Sacrifices

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

(1 Peter 2:9)

I have never officially participated in Lent, the 40 days of fasting before Easter, but I have made spiritual decisions for my life that correspond with lent for the past two years. So far this year, God has been doing some amazingly awesome stuff, which has contributed to what I’m doing for a personal rendition of Lent.

For one, this past Thursday, God gave reconciliation to a friendship of mine. It was pretty much unexpected and surprising. I was convinced people could not change, but I was reminded that when God gets a hold of someone who is open, awesome things happen. That reconciliation was an answer to prayer and I know God is going to do great things with this friend’s life.

Friday, the next day, I went hiking and “swimming” with some awesome friends. After dinner, I went back to my room, but it was Friday, so I didn’t want to do any homework or hang out alone. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anyone to hang out with, but I began to sense that I needed and wanted to spend time with God. So, I grabbed my Bible, journal, and iPod and headed to the campus prayer room, where I turned up the worship music so loud the walls were shaking. That whole worship experience was amazing. It was almost two and a half hours of singing, Scripture reading, artsy-crafty worship, and dancing (yes, dancing can be worship, too!). It was good communion with God.

And then, out of the blue, some thoughts popped up. Not immoral thoughts, just a realization. I realized that guys who love Jesus are attractive. Not sure why it took me so long to get it... just kidding! Anyway, I was so taken aback by the suddenness of these thoughts I honestly did not know what to do with them; I immediately turned them over to God. Obviously, it’s not wrong for women to be attracted to Godly men, but this was worship time. I have come to understand that my focus should be always be on God over and above what God has created, even if it’s good.

This simple and somewhat naïve action this past Friday started an entire personal lent movement. When I went to God with the realization, he asked me make a sacrifice. He asked me to sacrifice my desire to date and get married. Almost immediately, Genesis chapter 22 (where Abraham attempts to sacrifice Isaac) came to mind and I knew that’s what God wanted me to do.

Even though I’m making this sacrifice, I believe I will still get married. Abraham knew and believed his descendents would come from Isaac, but he was still able and ready to obey God and sacrifice Isaac (see Hebrews 11:17-19). The point and meaning of this sacrifice is that I will make a conscious and intentional effort to focus on God and my relationship with Him instead of the worries, doubts, and fears that come with potentially entering the realm of dating. 

Believe me when I say that guys who obviously love Jesus are incredibly attractive to me. What a blessing from the Lord to feel that way! We are human beings after all. Yet I know God is calling me to singleness for this time. I know, because he has asked me to hold my relationship with him so close that a dating relationship cannot be in the picture yet.

Towards the end of my first semester of freshman year, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before he brought a guy into my life. I asked for those things, and slowly, God revealed them. Most of them were ministry opportunities or personal development opportunities that could be best taken as a single person. When I returned to school this January, I looked back over what I was doing and I realized none of those things were in my life anymore. Suddenly, I questioned God’s providence. Was he calling me to remain single or to date? Now, with this new revelation of sacrifice, I am convinced again of God’s purposes and providence. He has a plan for my life and he is doing great things. Awesome things.

The prayer team on my college’s campus has organized a 24/7 Bible Reading, in which students and staff of the college sign up to read from the Bible for 24 hours a day as many days as it takes to read the entire Bible, which is actually going to be less than seven days. We’ve done the same thing with prayer before. Last night, I went to listen to whomever was reading, but I ended up filling in for an hour for someone who missed their shift. I was reading Psalms and I kept breaking out in song every few chapters. It was raining, so I kept singing “And I believe You will come like the rain” from Jesus Culture, as well as any songs I thought of when I read the Psalms. It was pretty amazing. I left that hour, after reading, praying, and singing the Word, very fulfilled. I prayed for rain and for God to come like Hosea 6:3 says.

The funny thing is, we sang “You’ll Come” by Hillsong in chapel today. The chorus is about both rain and God coming to us, and I knew it was no coincidence that it lined up perfectly with what I prayed for last night. And it did rain today, it was just misty instead of drenching. I began to see that God’s pursuit of me is definitely not a coincidence, but that it is real and consistent, but more than that, it is gentle, like misty rain. I am reminded that God’s love is strong. How can something so often thought of as weak and mushy be strong? I think it’s in the same way that God’s pursuit of his bride is both furious and gentle at the same time.

My point is that in “giving up” the dating desire (and taking practical steps to reduce the temptation I encounter to worry about or lust over a potential relationship), I am making the effort to grow closer to God and to listen to him as he is pursuing me. So, yeah, in some way, this is what I’m giving up for Lent. And this semester. And this summer. And probably this entire year. And who knows how long. Because my relationship with the God of the universe matters so much than getting married and having kids. Don’t get me wrong, I desperately desire to get married and have kids one day, but that cannot be my focus. I can’t go to college to get my MRS degree, because that’s ridiculous. I must ask myself: who am I focusing on?

Maybe, if you’ve read this far, you’re wondering why I put 1 Peter 2:9 as the opening for this post. Honestly, I do not know. All I know is that within a couple hours on Monday night, I heard this verse twice from two different people in two completely different contexts. I am asking God to show me what he wants me to gather from this verse.  I know for sure that God is doing great things and, as his child, I am privileged to be a part of them. To be loved by the God of the universe so much that he calls you his holy priesthood is pretty amazing stuff. He loves you.

Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City" or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God,” for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

(Isaiah 62:4)

Temple Tuesday

After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?"

“Yes, Lord,” Peter replied, “you know I love you.”

“Then feed my lambs,” Jesus told him.

Jesus repeated the question: “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

“Yes, Lord,” Peter said, “you know I love you.”

“Then take care of my sheep,” Jesus said.

A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep.

“I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go.” Jesus said this to let him know by what kind of death he would glorify God. Then Jesus told him, “Follow me.”

Peter turned around and saw behind them the disciple Jesus loved—the one who had leaned over to Jesus during supper and asked, “Lord, who will betray you?” Peter asked Jesus, “What about him, Lord?”

Jesus replied, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? As for you, follow me.” So the rumor spread among the community of believers that this disciple wouldn’t die. But that isn’t what Jesus said at all. He only said, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?”

This disciple is the one who testifies to these events and has recorded them here. And we know that his account of these things is accurate.

Jesus also did many other things. If they were all written down, I suppose the whole world could not contain the books that would be written.

(John 21:15-25)

What More Do I Want?

Sometimes I get so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I get so exhausted with striving and striving. Living the Christian life is exhausting and often burnout comes quickly, even if we have pure motives and are maintaining a consistent devotional time.

It's at the point of giving up with exhaustion when we ask God for a sign. We ask him to show or give us something that will keep us going. We beg him to make things happen in our lives, to fix our situations, to give us additional reassurance.

And then we sit down with our eyes closed and our ears plugged and we ignore God's thunderstorm outside.

Listen, God is working whether we see it or not! When we attribute a certain circumstance to chance or coincidence, God is working. When something just goes completely perfect, God is working. Things just don't happen. God is working them out. Also, God knows what we need. Even before we ourselves know it. He's just that awesome.

Some practical examples:

I was upset over a rift in a relationship, and God caused the other person to say something at just the right time to smooth things over.

I was worried about who I was going to room with next year, and a friend asked me if I would be willing to room with her - which was a total God thing.

I was focused so much on myself and what I do and what I need and a friend blessed me with words of encouragement, thanking me for something God had used me to do for other people.
I was beyond stressed over a paper that was due on Tuesday when I got an e-mail saying the due date had been extended to Thursday - so a couple more days to finish this long paper! Before I got the e-mail, my great-uncle reminded me he was praying for me and all the work I had due, and it really encouraged me to keep going.

There are a multitude of further examples. The point is that God is truly working. He is not silent; he is not absent. So while it's normal to want a sign from God, we don't need one. Every sunrise, every breath, every baby born, every moment is a sign that God is active in our world today, a sign that he really does care. We don't see God in actuality. And we typically don't audibly hear his voice. But he is here, active and present.

1 Peter 1:8 says, "Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy."

Your Testimony

Look at your testimony, your story of faith. Describe it. Look at where you've been and how far you've come. What has God taught you?

Too often we have this mindset that the only good testimonies are the ones where we can see some spectacular sign of God's immediate and powerful work. We live like the only good testimonies are the stories of desperate, wicked sinners being radically and emotionally changed into God-fearing, loving saints.

...Wait a minute! Aren't we all desperate wicked sinners who need God? And aren't all Christians radically changed by God? And aren't all of us called to radical obedience and crazily giving everything back to God and letting him love others through us?

Well, yeah, actually. But we tend to play the comparison game, even when it comes to our testimonies. We say, "Oh, well, I accepted Christ when I was 6 and I've always lived in a Christian home and I never did drugs or slept around, so my life and testimony is boring" and we hear someone who lived an immoral life and who didn't listen to God until they were adults and have overcome such supposedly vast sins... And we think that their testimony is so much more important and special and influential than ours.

But the truth is that we are all sinners saved by grace through faith. My story is no more important or amazing than yours, because it's my story. It's what God said to me and did in me. Likewise with your story.

I see this in the two stories of changed lives we find in Acts 9:1-22 and in Luke 5:1-11. In Acts chapter 9, Saul is going to Damascus when God does something incredible. If you know the story, you know that a bright light shines down, Saul is blinded, and Jesus asks, "Saul, why are you persecuting me? ... I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do." (v.4-6). It's a pretty amazing story. But God works in many different ways, and we see a slightly different faith story in Luke chapter 5. Jesus climbs into Simon Peter's boat and asks him to take the boat out a bit into the water so Jesus can preach from the boat. It is a seemingly ordinary move - a guy stepping into another guy's boat. Jesus called Peter, a simple, uneducated man who worked as a fisherman to follow him. And Peter didn't leave behind a life of massive, growth sin (in human standards), he left behind his own life. And he took up his cross and followed after Jesus. It changed his life.

So whether or not your testimony sounds "cool" or seems to compare with others' testimonies, it really doesn't matter. Because God has and is and will continue to work in your life. And God will use your struggles and your testimony for his glory. Because that's the purpose, that's the end result: That we are conformed to the image of Christ for the sake of others.