River Reflections

On the last night of summer camp each session, we all go to the camp's dock on Little River, high atop Lookout Mountain. In the moonlight, we can see the faint outline of the blob and it's staircase, the edge of the concrete dock, the bleachers where campers sit, the canoe shed.

Little River

We light the campfire, sing our evening songs to the strums of Shannon's guitar, watch with awe as counselors in canoes lit only by torches sing hymns as they round the riverbend, and listen intently as volunteers from each cabin read aloud their cabin's wish for the session, usually something along the lines of: "We wish we will keep old friends and new friends, make it home safely, and come back next year." The director, Mrs. Susan, gives an inspirational talk, encouraging us to love those we meet or press on through difficult times. Shannon plays Michael W. Smith's "Pray for Me" and we dismiss with hugs.

As I worked the entire summer (five sessions), I had the honor of attending five River Reflections. They provided the appropriate closure for the session and, in the case of our final session, appropriate closure for the summer. Therefore, this post presents closure for me personally: my own River Reflections.

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I lived in two cabins over the course of the summer: my first cabin was for ages thirteen and fourteen, and my second housed girls eleven to thirteen. My co-counselors (fellow college students) and I often wondered aloud to each other: "Was I like that when I was their age?" We encountered strange things, like eleven year olds with cell phones and boyfriends, or thirteen year olds unable to deal with a simple disagreement. Thinking back to my middle school days, I realized so much has happened since then. If I compared my twenty-one year old self to my middle-school self, I am almost a completely different person. I mean, I'm still me. I'm still Alex, introverted people person who likes mint chocolate. But since then I have learned how to drive, I have moved away from home, started college, had actual jobs, my car's broken down, I've made friends my parents have never met, I've been out of the country, I've driven more than five hours by myself, I've done my own laundry, shopped for and cooked my own meals... I am closer to twenty-four than I am to fourteen.

Yet what was so incredibly cool is that camp breaks down the walls between my twenty-one year old self and these thirteen year old girls. Yes, my co-counselors and I are the authority figures. But we are also friends with these girls. No one is driving, no one is using their cell phones, no one is cooking their own meals, everyone sends their laundry out on laundry day and has to go searching for it the next day. We were more equalized than we would have been in real life.

This gave me the opportunity to speak into my campers' lives. I read Bible verses and prayed with them at bedtime, spoke positive words over them, and played games with them. In fact, when one of our girl's parents arrived to take her home this last session, she gave each counselor a letter she had written for us. She mentioned in the letter that it meant a lot to have someone like us to look up to. I grew to really love the girls each session. Sometimes I became apathetic towards building new friendships with them, since each group stays for two weeks or less and then a new group arrives, but God always sent encouragement my way to keep loving on them.

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One of the most difficult aspects of camp by far happened because I loved these girls so much. Ironic, isn't it? Over the course of the summer, I dealt personally with young ladies who were involved in self-harm, bullying (both sides), who struggled with parents divorcing, eating disorders, who were developmentally delayed, and much more. Not only did circumstances like these require me to heavily depend on my co-counselors, head counselors, and the directors, but I was broken for these girls before God. I learned what it means to ache for someone and realize there is little to nothing you personally can do for them. I remember one night, after a particularly difficult day, getting into the shower after all the girls were in bed and just crying. There's so much I can't do, but I learned what I can do: pray and speak truth and love.

I truly learned to love on some precious girls.

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Late one night, after tucking all the campers into bed, I was reading my Bible and reflecting on the day. I began contemplating on our one Jewish camper. Now, the camp itself is a Christian camp, but we accept girls of all religions who are of good character. We model Christianity through our actions and we teach it at morning watch and campfire, but many nonbelievers or other-believers choose our camp regardless.

I wondered that night whether I should encourage her sharing about her religion or ignore her differences. I knew I would respect her and her beliefs, but I wasn't sure how that would work with camp and the other campers. I debated whether or not to read only Old Testament passages at bedtime or to eliminate mention of  "Jesus" when I spoke around her.

And then I thought about her faith. I don't know how devout her family is, but Judaism as a whole is a very intriguing religion. Jews must have the most hope and faith of anyone I know. Case in point: they believe that the Messiah has still not come - and that God is still silent. He has not spoken to the prophets since Old Testament times, and they are still waiting patiently for their Redeemer. What awesome hope is that!

While I praise her hope, I am heartbroken that she is still waiting for the Messiah. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick," says Proverbs 13:12.

I chose to read from the Old Testament when I put her room to bed, but I didn't shy away from Jesus. He, of course, fulfills and proves the Old Testament. And I came to love her as person, not seeing her religion, but seeing her heart, seeing her likes and dislikes, loving her humor and smiling at her jokes. I pray her experience at camp planted a seed or maybe watered a growing one, but I know God is working in her.

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This summer, I worked on the ropes course and co-taught a few knitting classes. And if you know me, I am not much for heights. At all. But I signed up for the ropes course because I love the thrill of the adventure. I'm tired of being boring.

We went through a week of intense training on the elements, sometimes going through each element (zip line, V-swing, climbing tower, swing by choice, etc) as many as ten or twelve times and then training on each element for two or three participants before sending ourselves. It was very intense. I faced a number of fears, learned boundaries and restrictions (my own and those of the course), and grew to trust Adam, Shannon, Ali, and others I worked with and on whom I depended.

We also learned something I had never heard before about ropes courses. I cannot tell you how many times I heard Adam express some or all of the following statement to girls on the elements:

It's okay to be afraid. Fear is your body's normal and natural reaction to heights. The ropes course is a challenge by choice. So, you make the choice to push yourself to try new things even when it's scary. Or, you can make the choice to be lowered. If you keep going, you might like it, but you can come down if you don't want to keep going.

Camp's ropes course philosophy can be summed up in two mantras: Challenge by Choice and the Full Value Contract. It's your choice to be challenged and how far you want to go - we can lower you at almost any point. The Full Value Contract exists to make sure each participant is treated with fairness: each person gets the same opportunity.

In life, we don't always get to choose our challenges. But we are given a choice in how we react to them. And often, we are afraid. Unlike some believers who assume that all fear is bad, I think a certain level of fear is good. I'm afraid of going outside in the woods in the dark by myself. That is a healthy and good fear because it keeps me safe. We know that if God has called us to something, he will be with us and will protect us, and we don't need to be afraid, but fear is normal. We can also learn to overcome fear, as I eventually slid off the zipline platform like it was nothing by the time I had been on the zipline a thousand times.

I gave a morning watch devotional one morning about how God's got us, mentioning both the big storm we had the night before and the ropes course. Just like the ropes on the course can hold up to 5,000 pounds and the cables are the same strength used to hold up airplanes, God is not going to let me go. I used Psalm 91 as my key passage. Verses 9-10 read: "If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home."

I'm learning how to be a more adventurous person. I love adventure. Secretly, I love thrill-seeking, but don't tell my mom, haha. However, there is no way I could pursue the adventures I'm after, like Thailand, college graduation, life after college, moving to a new place, a new teaching job, a Masters?, a family?, etc., if I did not believe wholeheartedly that God's got me. And he will not let me go.

Crumpled Pieces of Red Paper

Of the many things working at camp has taught me, the fact that I am growing up too fast is consistently evident. Case in point: One of the songs played at camp dances is N*Sync's "Bye, Bye, Bye." Do you know when that song was released? Thirteen years ago. How is that even possible?!? That was my jam back in the day - how is it over a decade old?

As I pondered this, I was reminded that there are only six short months until I embark for Thailand and then, 3-4 months later, I will be college graduate. And it's pretty terrifying but exciting and adventurous and all that. What a great God, to have brought me thus far and to keep leading me onward. I am blessed.

With all that is happening in my personal/interpersonal life with this whole growing up thing, God spoke to me today about the growth that has happened in the area of my spirituality. 

After exchanging Secret Santa gifts (today is Christmas in July at camp), we had a Pajama breakfast before heading to the gym for camp church. All the counselors are a part of Counselor Choir, so we gathered on the stage in our new navy Christmas in July shirts and sang Christmas and worship songs with Mrs. Amy, who leads church each week. (She is also our camp mom for this session.) 

Then Mrs. Amy led a discussion on Jesus as our peace and pulled from several verses to illustrate this concept. Our key verse was John 14:27, which says, "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid." 

She then passed out pieces of red paper that counselors had torn up earlier and had both campers and staff write something that was keeping us from peace. We would then crumple our papers and pray for peace, bringing those things before God, before bringing our papers to the cross at the front of the gym. Head counselors taped the pieces of the paper to a large wooden cross in the front. Mrs. Amy and one of the older campers were singing "Lord, I Need You" acoustically.

I wrote the thing that I feel has been holding me back this summer on my slip and followed a group of campers up the cross. When I got up there, I waited for a group of campers to get their papers taped to the cross, and I looked up to see a little slip of paper that read simply: "not being perfect enough."

You guys, I broke right there. I handed my piece of paper to the head counselor and started to weep. That was me. That girl who wrote that she wasn't perfect enough, whoever she is, was me a few months ago. Just a few months ago. And I still wrestle with that little girl inside me who just can't do anything right, who is broken and hurting and falls down over and over and over again.

I wept for that young woman who thinks that God doesn't love her because she isn't perfect enough. I wept because I don't know who she is and I don't know how to help her. And I wept for myself. For the pain and the struggle and the fighting that it took for God's grace to finally break through my clouded vision. Even at this point in my spiritual growth, with a much healthier relationship with God's grace and a much better perception of how he relates to me, I still don't understand. There is so much about forgiveness and grace that I don't understand. SO much.

But I know one thing: I'm not who I was. I'm not the same person, the same doubting and shame-stricken girl. I am blessed. When I related the story of a broken friendship to a co-counselor just this week, I was able to present the story as grace-filled and, ultimately, God-honoring. Because it is. When I realized that I was not in the same place I was before, that I have overcome, I was able to praise God for what he has done. He is not finished with me, but he has done so much in me already! Hallelujah!

Could I beseech you as my brothers and sisters in Christ to pray for mentors in my life? I am blessed to be here at camp, but sometimes I find it difficult to discover the presence of strong Christian mentors and build deep Christian friendships. Pray for unity and openness among the staff. I am honored and humbled to be able to share this with you tonight.

With love.

Constellations and Redemption

As Orion sinks slowly below the horizon, a little farther each night, so spring rolls softly around the corner.

My 6th grade Math and Science teacher, Mr. Underwood, taught our class how to find Orion in the night sky. We were supposed to locate the constellation for homework and report back the next day. I remember slipping out the sliding glass door into my backyard, wrapped in a blanket from shoulders to knees, but with nothing on my feet, gazing up until my neck hurt.

Photo by Bahadorjn, Flickr

When the days grew longer, Mr. Underwood explained to a concerned student that Orion wasn't disappearing. The constellations that we could see in our hemisphere changed as the earth rotated, and Orion is only visible in the winter.

I continued to visit Orion after that first night, especially in the dead of winter, especially when I needed some grounding. It's crazy how seeing the vastness of the universe can ground you.

Today I reflected on what God has been doing in my life. I have all but completed a huge paper, due largely to the fact that God provided the crazy idea to check to see if the library in town had the book I needed for my paper Friday night. I prayed long and hard that I would be able to finish it in time - it's not due until Tuesday. I have been experiencing a bit of a digestive issue, but my roommate suggested a simple remedy that is really helping. In addition, tonight we had a time of worship at my college, and during one song I had a really personal heart-to-heart the Lord.

And he told me that he is doing something new.

Just as Orion can be seen in the northern hemisphere only in the winter, and then it fades from our view, so God is preparing to do something in me and in my life that has been hidden from my view. I'm excited for whatever it is and I'm eagerly anticipating the next stage in my life, but I'm a little afraid as well. I once told God I would follow him anywhere - from the shack in the middle of India to the country club in the Carolinas, and God has been known to do infinitely more than we could ask or express. He has a sense of humor like that.

Despite my fear, I just can't help but be excited. God told me, "That stuff you were dealing with a year, two years ago... It is over. I have redeemed you from that and I have set things in a different direction. I have the next step prepared for you."

And so I wait with eager anticipation. God, reveal to me more of who You are.

I realized just last week that I literally have nine months until I return to Asia. If my last trip was any indication, there's going to be a lot of heart-prep that needs to happen in the next few months, as well as a lot of working and saving and prayer to be able to go overseas. Just the other day, I had a kind of vivid daydream in which I felt like I was in Hong Kong again. I saw the familiar sights, felt and smelled the same sensations, everything.

It also hits me often: How can I expect to make an impact on people in Thailand if I cannot love the people beside me? That cuts deep, and I am often unable to understand why I find it difficult to love people. Often, I either try really hard and fail or I have no desire to try. This reveals itself in relationships with friends or acquaintances I know, but choose not to treat with patience, kindness, etc. God, make me more like You.
It also reveals itself in the frustration I occasionally feel with the pace of this whole dating business. I mean, I hate to harp on something no one likes to hear about, but, really, do I treat guys like real people? Do I treat them with patience, kindness, etc., or do I think about only what I could get from them (no matter how weird that sounds)? I want to be respectful and considerate towards every guy, not just the ones that I maybe could possibly date one day.
I want to love these people around me, both guys and girls. I only have about nine months left with them.

Yes, God has redeemed me from a significant amount of difficulties I faced earlier in college. But I am not perfect. I still have bad days. I rejoice in the fact that my paper is 99% finished, but I still have a thousand (not quite) rationales to write for my portfolio, which is due on the same day. I face struggles consistently, but I know God is good, even when it doesn't seem like it.

I know God is good because Orion fades away, and then returns. I know God is good because winter turns to spring. Every. Single. Year. He is doing something new, even if I feel stuck. He makes all things new.

Jesus, You're the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus, surely you will find us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new
Will make all things new

- "Dry Bones," Gungor

Already Forgiven

My college's prayer team has spent days and weeks participating in 24/7 prayer for a number of years, and next week is our big Spring 2013 week of nonstop prayer. 24/7 Prayer is an "international, interdenominational Christian movement praying and working for reconciliation" spiritually, socially, and environmentally.

A couple years ago, while I was spending an hour in our prayer room on campus with a group of people for a 24/7 prayer week, I got the strong sense that God was speaking to me. This was before the really powerful sense of God's voice I felt when my vision clouded over and my heart beat faster, like when I was called to Asia, even though I haven't had that same experience in a while. Anyway, I felt as if God was saying, "I've already forgiven you." At the time, I had not been to counseling or expressed my need for confession or accountability yet. I didn't understand. It was almost like I could not quite process what God was saying to me, like I wasn't ready for it.

I'm not sure if I felt like I was being "super-righteous" or what, but I opened my eyes and looked for someone to whom I could tell what God had told me. I figured that since I didn't quite understand what he meant in reference to my own life, he must have meant it for someone else. I stood up and walked across the room to a girl I barely knew, who I'll call T, and I told her, "God has already forgiven you." She smiled at me, I smiled back, and I returned to my seat.

The funny thing is, she no longer attends my college, but I recently became acquainted with her blog. She is working with the International House of Prayer in the area where I used to live, and I am reading such encouraging and spiritually-motivating thoughts on her blog. A tiny part of me is like: Who am I to think I'm all high and mighty for God Himself to give me a message for this girl who is obviously closer to Him than I am?

I chastised myself for that thought, because why would I think that? Maybe she really did need to hear what God had told me. On the other hand, for several weeks after that night, I have questioned why I so distinctly felt God telling me "I've already forgiven you" if there was no point to it. Eventually, I gave up my concern for the circumstance and let it pass. Now, years later, it struck me tonight that perhaps that word from God was for me.

I have been out of counseling for over three months now, and I do not have all my problems solved. However, I am at a much healthier place in my life. I have learned positive coping mechanisms and successful thought processes. I have seen God in an entirely new light. And now even when the emotional roller coaster of that changing process is pretty much over, and it's tempting to get down on myself again, God continues to reveal little things to me. Like this thought tonight that maybe that word was for me: to prepare me for dealing with my crap and to prepare me for the time of learning after dealing with it.

His Words to me are:

I have already forgiven you. And I will keep forgiving you.

This is about more than the "sin that so easily entangles" that we all deal with everyday. This is about the deep tragedies of life from when we were younger, the sins we committed and the sins committed against us. This is about the sense of failing that grinds into our shoulders and backs and hearts and keeps us from standing up straight or letting our real faces show to the world.

Our God is not a God of anger. He is a God who speaks.

I have been praying for God to speak to me again, and I have been asking for more of Him since very early this month. I'm sad to say I have not been asking him consistently for these big things, but mostly I have been asking him for little things, like to "please let this computer open my document now so I won't be late to class." I know, those are ridiculous things. People write sermons on how we shouldn't treat God like a vending machine when they hear prayers like that.

Fortunately, those "little" prayers are teaching me something, too. A relationship with God is built not only on big things, but also on little things. Similarly, my relationship with my roommate L is built on "big" things, like finding time to Skype over Christmas or summer break or buying each other nice things for our birthdays. But it is also built on little things, like when I save her the chocolate piece at the end of a nutty ice cream cone. She loves the little chocolate piece. It's something small and meaningful, as crazy as that sounds.

A relationship with God should not be lived on Sunday mornings and during revival weeks. It should be lived in the day to day, and my seemingly petty prayers only serve to remind me to keep a conversation with God at the forefront. They remind me to ask God what he would have me do instead of constantly asking him to do things for me. He is so good and so patient and so graceful with an already-but-not-yet-resurrected-fallen-woman like me.

Oh, and by the way, the document opened before I had even finished my prayer. Even in the little things, God reminds me that he will always pursue me. He will always speak to me. He will always forgive me.

We are already forgiven.

Twenty-One: Expectations vs. Reality

Maybe this is what twenty-one feels like. I thought to myself. A couple days ago, a few days before my birthday, I sat with two friends as we pondered and discussed housing arrangements for next semester... My last semester living on a campus as a college student. What. Then the conversation shifted to grad school. We want to look into a certain school together, maybe apply, see about living in that town. Hold on.

How am I this old? How am I planning for student teaching and Thailand and grad school and after college already? How am I already to the point of making my own budget, cooking my own meals, saving for that strange and crazy world after graduation? Graduation has always seemed like a far away pie in the sky. Something only for grown people, adults with plans and dreams and futures lined out. I don't even know what I'm eating for dinner most nights, how can I figure out my plans for the rest of my life?!?

Okay, deep breaths.

See, the thing is, I am not alone. No one else knows what they want to do. And even those who do will see their plans changed twice or thrice over during the course of their lives. It's okay to not have it figured out. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to make a weird choice and suffer the consequences. It's okay to budget wrong or spend too much and have to pay the "stupid tax," as my grandma calls it.

Because, you see, I am only human. Becoming an adult does not mean that you are somehow more than human. Adults make mistakes all the time.

So I guess it comes down to expectations verses reality. For example, I had once hoped that I would be in a dating relationship by my 21st birthday. Yet I always saw myself as a very independent and very single college graduate. I know things can happen between now and graduation (I've got a little over a year), but I've started to wonder if this really is the place where I will meet the guy God has for me. I wonder if we will start dating in college or sometime later.

When I had decided on a school for college, my mom's boss told her that the school I eventually chose is a great school, spiritually and academically. She told my mom that the reason this was important is that I will probably be meeting my future husband here. I agree with her in that typically you would find great guys at a great school, but it is frustrating to me when people assume that is why girls go to college. I am not going through four years of college to get my MRS degree. Come on now. I'm going through college so I can be equipped to teach for the rest of my life. I'm going to college for experiences I otherwise wouldn't have been able to have, things like living on a hall with thirty beautiful and crazy ladies in a building with almost ninety squealing freshmen girls. I'm going to college so I can have experiences like traveling to Hong Kong and Laos last summer to teach English and befriend students. I'm going to college, a Christian college, so I can learn how my faith interacts with and calls me to my career, how God works in the secular arena. All of those things can happen simultaneously with marriage, but the point is that marriage is not my focus in this.

Expectations verses reality... I didn't expect to get married right out of college, but a part of me did expect to date here. A part of me did expect certain relationships to be different. And yet looking back, I'm encouraged that God did not allow certain events (and allowed others instead). He knows what he's doing!

Another expectation verses reality is that I often expected that college would change me into a totally different person. In all honesty, I am different. I am much more likely to talk to people I don't know well, much more likely to share about my faith, much more likely to worship freely, and much less likely to worry as much as I did in high school. Yet, I am still the same person. I've dealt with a lot of crap and pain, but I am still dealing with it. I am very, very different, but I am still me. I am still an introvert, I am still a "J" personality, but I feel as if I am more well-rounded now.

Someone once told me that in college, we become over-exaggerated versions of ourselves. As we grow older, we mellow out. After college, we "slide into" the personas we discovered ourselves to be during college, and it gets toned down a bit. I think that is a great way of putting it.

Therefore, I'm becoming myself.

In all actuality, this is earth-shattering. See, I started this blog exactly 3 years ago today and named it "LosingMyself" because I wanted to focus on the fact that the purpose of life is not to go and do and "find" myself, but to lose myself in Him. I wonder if that is a correct way to look at it. I wonder if that is how I see life anymore. For example, I feel most alive when I am serving God in the capacities in which he's gifted me. I love teaching and I feel as if God has given me abilities to teach. This is becoming more Christ-like, through service, but it is also definitely becoming myself. What if becoming like Christ is really becoming who I was meant to be originally? As in, what if becoming like Christ is honing and developing the elements of me (and Christ in me) that are good?

I wrestle with this here because it is very intriguing to me. I have been facing up to who I am as I grow into me each day, and I wonder, yet again, if this is what twenty-one feels like. I still have two days, but I feel as if I'm getting much closer.

I wanted to share this blog post from December 2011. I had just finished Fall semester sophomore year when I composed this post referencing the acts of growing and serving in the season of singleness. I wrote:

...After this summer (spending five weeks in Asia [June-August 2012]), and my junior year..., what kind of person will emerge? A stronger, deeper, healthier, and more Christ-like person, that’s my prayer. I made a list a couple months ago of qualities I desired in my future husband, but also qualities that I would seek to reach as well. One such quality was the ability to attempt difficult things. Challenging things. Things like ministering overseas, but also things like becoming yourself.

I think too many of us are afraid of who really are, but like my psychology professor always says: “There must be a ‘me’ before there can be a ‘we’.” A Relevant Magazine article discusses the importance of singleness as it relates to your individuality: “Making the most of being single means being on your own. It’s just you and God. Being single is about discovering who you are, setting personal boundaries, knowing your likes and dislikes, your passions and the desires of your heart.”

I'm three-quarters of the way finished with my junior year, and I am so encouraged by the prediction I made at the end of 2011. I have become myself so much more during this time and I am grateful for that.

A final expectations versus reality moment: I did not expect to experience God as much I have since I've been in college. There was a time months ago when I specifically knew that God was speaking to me. I wrote about it in regards to going to Asia, "My heart skips a beat, my peripheral vision clouds over, I can’t breathe." It was definite. However, there was a long time in which that did not happen, and it hasn't happened recently, which led me to wonder if God was still speaking to me. Or is it just that I'm not listening?

My roommate challenged me to ask God for more of Himself, so I did. This past week, I had time with God each morning for five straight days, which I haven't done in a while. He also showed me some amazing things through not only that time with Him, but also the consistency of his love and his provision. For example, I have been yearning for a while for God to show me my new name. Our September spiritual emphasis week at college focused on our brokenness, and how God wants to come and sit with us there. At the end of the week, we were given the opportunity to take a small stone to remind us that God is giving us new names. A connection was made to the invitation Jewish people would give friends they were inviting to a wedding. In a sense, God is writing our new and true names on our invitations to eternity with him. I was reminded of Isaiah 62:4, as God is renaming Jerusalem. I was pondering this desire when my morning devotional was on Zephaniah chapter three. We are all familiar with verse 17, but I wanted to draw your attention to the remainder of the chapter (emphasis mine):

For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.
"I will gather you who mourn for the appointed festivals;
you will be disgraced no more.
And I will deal severely with all who have oppressed you.
I will save the weak and helpless ones;
I will bring together
those who were chased away.
I will give glory and fame to my former exiles,
wherever they have been mocked and shamed.
On that day I will gather you together
and bring you home again.
I will give you a good name, a name of distinction,
among all the nations of the earth,
as I restore your fortunes before their very eyes.
I, the Lord, have spoken!"

Maybe twenty-one will be about accepting who I am and who God made me to be: a single adult allowing God to change me and refine me to become more Christ-like and more me. And I'm okay with that.
In fact, it's a pretty exciting adventure. Let's do it.

Edited 3/25/13 at 9:54pm for labels.

God Who Proves Himself

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

The lyrics of this beautiful hymn, written in 1882 by Louisa Stead, sound like a paradox. I trust Jesus, I've proved Jesus, I need to trust Jesus more. Wait, do I trust him or not? Is trust an all or nothing thing, like being dead? Or is it more like a gradient thing? Like being hungry for a 3 Musketeers but not hungry enough for dinner.

Yeah, I don't know.

I do remember facing a circumstance and its subsequent aftermath and wondering if I could trust God again. It was a subtle unwinding of my faith, but it was rebuilt each time I called out His name, even if His name was the only thing I could muster. Somehow I came to the point where I trusted Him again. I think that was a very slow process, and I think it occurred because I needed Him. I needed God to be real and trustworthy and even though I wanted to hide with shame, He was there. He started to prove himself again.

This past June, I wrote about the confirmation I felt about my call to go to Asia. I specifically referenced the  fact that my eyes kept "leaking." I was crying all over the place because of the confirmation and fulfillment that the God provided about the trip. It is here, in the beginning of this semester, that I am faced with a similar situation. My eyes are leaking again. It is confirmation again.

The day before yesterday, I read the first chapter of our Literature for Today's Young Adults textbook and I found myself tearing up. What am I doing? This is a textbook for a college class, I thought to myself. But isn't God in the college classroom? Isn't God in my career choices? Isn't God in what I want to do for the rest of my life?

Yesterday, I attended a professional development conference for education majors. I had a conversation and prayer with an encouraging speaker on overseas teaching. I listened to a presentation / Q and A session with a principal at a Christian school who supports Christian education. That is what I want to do for the rest of my life. The last speaker, the one who is a principal at a Christian school, shared with us that if God has called you to Christian education and you follow Him in that, He will be faithful. You won't have money, but He will be faithful.

God's faithfulness is something I have been overwhelmed with for a long time, so that was an encouraging thought. Above and beyond, I was aware of being needy. Teachers don't make very much and Christian school teachers don't make anything. But God provides. God proves himself.

I have written before about actions and qualities of God. For example, God is a God who is here. He is a God who knows and who sees. Today, I want to write about the God who proves himself.

I had a first hand experience of this when I went to the store yesterday. To understand this story, you need to know that I have an envelope of money I've set aside for groceries to use until I get paid again that clearly has the word "Groceries" written on the front. So... I was walking down the hill to my car when I realized I had forgotten my grocery money. Because it was important, I turned around and went back to get it. I drove to the grocery store, went in, bought the sour cream I needed for a recipe and a couple things I probably didn't need, and went to check out.

That's when I noticed I didn't have my grocery money envelope with me. What's weird is that I found enough cash in my wallet to pay for my sour cream and stuff without even having my grocery money. I bought my stuff and went out to my car. And it was then I realized my car door was unlocked. I was worried, because I knew I had left my money in the car and I couldn't find it! When I got in my car and looked around, it turned out that my money had fallen between my car seats. So even though my car door was unlocked, my clearly marked grocery money envelope was not obvious. I don't think anyone would steal my money, but I was so thankful the situation wasn't tempting to anyone walking by. God proved himself in that.

God has also proved himself in how even though I won't get paid again until the end of February, I am confident I don't have to worry about what I'm going to eat. I tweeted the other day that Matthew 6:25 was definitely written for students on the five meal plan. The great thing is that I don't have to worry. God is proving himself.

God is also proving himself in the next thing I think he is teaching me, which is listening. I am not naturally gifted in extroversion or intercession or socializing. At all. I cannot do small talk or make speeches or answer impromptu questions without at least a hint of my old stutter coming back. But you know what happened? God has placed me in multiple situations in which I have to listen. One of those has been people in my life who talk a lot. No offense to these people, but when they keep talking, all you can do is listen. Sometimes God teaches you something by plunging you headfirst into it. Another situation was when my roommate and I got into a disagreement and she chided me for interrupting and speaking critically of her. I wasn't listening.

I heard once that people most enjoy talking about themselves. If you listen to people, you give them the honor of your presence. You build their self-esteem because you are demonstrating interest in their lives. Listening means being quiet and occasionally asking open-ended questions. It means looking with interest and showing that you care about what they have to say.

And when you do listen? You get to hear about the awesome stuff that God is doing, like making ways for your friends to go on mission trips and providing stories of angels in disguise. You can validate a person's story and testimony just by listening. When Jesus healed the demon-possessed man in Luke chapter 8, the man wanted to follow Jesus as a disciple, but Jesus told him:

"No, go back to your family, and tell them everything God has done for you." So he went all through the town proclaiming the great things Jesus had done for him.

- Luke 8:39

So keep listening, and take it from me. God is proving himself in my finances, my future, and his instruction to me to listen. When you follow God, he will provide. He will prove himself in little ways and in big ways. Do not worry.

So don’t worry about these things, saying, "What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?" These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

-Matthew 7:11

Grace Relaxes Perfectionism (And Other Lessons)

A little over two weeks ago, I picked one word to focus on for the year 2013: Grace. I chose to modify my word with one powerful adjective: Intentional. It's time to take a look at my OneWord challenge and see what has happened recently.

In the first two weeks or so of 2013, I sliced my left index finger open while chopping collared greens (lovely scar still remains), drove down to my college apartment to pick up my swim suit and summer-y clothes, took my brother to get sushi for his birthday, celebrated his birthday with some of the extended family and our traditional chocolate ganache cake, packed and repacked for our vacation, went on said vacation (Christmas-present cruise with the family!), swam with stingrays on said vacation, and then returned home just in time to begin a week of observations at a private school in town. Today is day two of observations and I am as exhausted as ever. This teaching business is tiring, and I'm not even teaching!

Even though it has only been fifteen days, I took some careful notes regarding intentional grace. When my brother and I got in an argument over who would sleep on the "couch" bed and the "real" bed during our one-night stay in a hotel before our cruise, I was taught that grace is patient. I let him have the "real" bed. It wasn't worth arguing about, and I knew it was right to think of him before myself. Even if I failed the first few thoughts. Grace doesn't lose her temper with a little brother who has always slept in the "couch" bed when traveling. Grace doesn't lose her temper because she is blessed to know she has a bed tonight that she doesn't have to share.

When we were on our cruise, I realized that grace relaxes perfectionism and doesn't demand her own way. I hate this lesson. I will probably learn it everyday for the rest of my life. I'm the kind of person who reads all the flyers and watches the information channel just to tell you that yes, we do need to eat before we leave and yes, they will call us off the ship at this time. I like to know where things are and how much they cost and what time the show is and I'm not afraid to tell you. Early in our vacation, my mom pulled me aside and said, "Sometimes it hurts people when you talk like you know more than they do." Instead of getting defensive, I listened. It is God's Grace that grants me a second chance when I'm not perfect. Who am I to demand everyone be perfect on the first try? I mean, really?

I heard somewhere that humans were not made to withstand every shake. Just as tall buildings in earthquake-prone areas are made with a bit of flexibility to them, so also are people made to "wobble" a bit. Grace is what lets us struggle like buildings in an earthquake. If we were always strong, we would never wobble, and a single catastrophe would ruin our lives. But if we allow ourselves to struggle, if we allow ourselves grace, we will not crumble at the first sign of disaster. We will weather the storm. Don't bottle it in; let yourself feel and move and wobble.

It's been fifteen interesting and unique days. I'm ready to keep at it this year. Before I sign off, I have one very exciting tid-bit to share. I will completing my student teaching one year from now. I applied to complete this student teaching experience overseas and I just discovered today that my placement at a specific international school has been secured. I will receive a confirmation of placement soon, but I could not wait to share the name of my school. Want to take a guess? Grace International School, of course!

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I'm writing this post as part of a monthly link-up party for OneWord through Only a Breath. Check out the January reminder and other bloggers' thoughts on their words for the year.

For more information on my overseas student teaching trip, visit Alex's Adventures in Asia.
What has God been teaching you about grace?

The Mystery of Grace

Towards the beginning of the summer, I wrote a post on my realization that God sees me, and that He is aware of me and cares specifically for me. Last week, after an incredible Spiritual Emphasis Week, I felt the need to write a post describing my interactions and reactions with what I learned in chapel.

But I was at a loss for words. Until tonight.

I was fighting the temptation to throw myself a pity party for some ridiculous reason when I hopped on to Twitter and saw a line from C.S. Lewis sitting on my homepage. 

Wow. "He sees because He loves, and therefore loves although He sees."

I acknowledged back in June that God loves us and sees us, but I still have a difficult time understanding God's love "although He sees." The fact that he loves even though he knows we are broken and messy. Being a natural rule-follower, I have legalistic tendencies, which show up in huge way in my interactions with sin and grace. Grace, to a rule-follower and people-pleaser like me, is ludicrous. It makes zero sense. Why would a perfect God choose to love and forgive a consistently sinful person like me? My confession is that I don't understand grace.

If God truly saw me, We reason, he would never love me. He would never forgive me. He would always be angry with me.
If my friends knew who I really was, they would be disappointed in me or just avoid me.
If, God forbid, I told my pastor or even a mentor or counselor, about my struggles or pain, I would be pegged as a psycho by everyone who knew.

Um, hello? None of that is true. I know, I know, it is so hard to believe it. For one, our godly friends are gifts from heaven who make up the body of Christ for us. They are there to bear our burdens.  A friend who will not only confront us with grace, but who will also hold us to accountable if and when we mess up again is extremely valuable (Galatians 6). Two, many times there are issues, struggles, or pain we legitmately cannot handle on our own. God gives us not only friends and family, but also pastors, mentors, counselors, and the like to walk with us through those dark places.

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I'm in my second semester of counseling right now. It seems like forever ago when I asked one of the counselors on campus if we could talk. We dealt with my parents' divorce. We identified practical steps for dealing with a broken friendship. We talked about a personal struggle. I found freedom in naming my issues. I was working to learn from them and move on from them.

I signed up to continue counseling this semester without even thinking about it. I came back here to school three weeks ago, moved in, and began weekly meetings again. We both knew there was more to my story. I ignored it and my counselor didn't press for it.

And then one day I told him that we could do "feeling journals" for the rest of the semester, but I didn't feel like we would go anywhere until I told him the rest of the story. (Paul Harvey, anyone? Anyway...)

"There's more." I said simply. He nodded. Silently and obviously, I gathered the courage to open the door into one of the darkest places of my heart. It took almost four weeks, not to mention the semester prior, to get to that point where I could let someone in on the "stuffed stuff," meaning, the thoughts and experiences I tried so hard to forget. They keep coming back because, until that point, they had not been dealt with. Now, it is freeing that someone else knows me to my core. It is freeing to have a safe place to talk about things that have been hidden for so long.

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So I have advocated for Christian siblings and for professional help, but I have failed to make the connection to God's grace. Yet. As Lewis said, "...He loves although He sees." Honestly, even as I sit here, I'm wondering if his love really is enough.

It seems to me that at any point, God could just stand up and say, "Look, Alex, I thought you were different. I thought my gift of salvation changed your life, but apparently you are still the sinful human now that you were back before salvation. It's too late for you. I'm tired of dealing with your crap."

Oh, how wrong that is! Brothers and sisters, God will never make that statement to any of us. I'm a firm believer in permanent salvation - God does not take it back.

Yet we know that God is holy, and, on our own, we are not. So, why does he love us? Because he wants to.

I was once told that the Japanese (and Chinese, I believe) symbol for righteousness is depicted by drawing the symbol for "lamb" above the symbol for "me." Thus, when God looks down from heaven, he doesn't see my sinfulness, but Christ (the lamb of God who took on the sin of the world) covering over me. (See more info here) This is righteousness. It is as if Jesus Christ, who never sinned, is like a white robe to cover me.

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One of the most significant things I learned from Spiritual Emphasis Week is that God wants to come sit with me in my brokenness. He loves me enough to want to be invited into the dark places of my heart so we can drink Chai lattes (my drink of choice!) and feel that pain together. I believe the Holy Spirit is the person of the trinity who does just that.

And the reason that God can come into my place of sinfulness and pain with me? He's already forgiven me for it. "Christ suffered for our sins once for all time" (1 Peter). I think He is able to feel my pain because we have a high priest who sympathizes with us, namely, Jesus. He loves me intimately and wants me to trust him with the dark places. Isn't that beautiful?

Friends, God will not give up on you. I went to a Tenth Avenue North concert this past weekend and I was blown away by the stories Mike Donehey (the lead singer) shared about God's grace. I had pre-ordered the new album, The Struggle, when it was first available, but it wasn't until I heard Mike share stories and Biblical truths behind the album's songs that I was aware of how they really capture the idea of God's grace.

I hope to post more about grace as I'm learning to understand what I can of it, but I will leave you with this chorus from "The Struggle," by Tenth Avenue North.

Hallelujah, we are free to struggle
But we're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
Children, drop your chains and sing

Suddenly, freedom in Christ becomes a much more beautiful thing. Yes, God sees us because he loves us. As a direct result, he also loves us even though he sees us. All of us. They say a true friend knows everything about you and still loves you.

Oh what a friend we have in Jesus...

Impossible

It's become almost like a curse word to me now: the "i" word. Let me explain...

My last full day in Asia, my own shortsightedness and humanity hit me in the face. For all my group's previous large-group meetings, we had been in a fairly big room with a projector, floor to ceiling windows, and several rows of chairs. Yet for some reason, we were scheduled to gather in a much smaller room for our final meeting. My roommate and I arrived around 8 minutes early to find the room empty, save for a few scattered tables. We were very confused.

A minute later, a man arrived who would be conducting part of the meeting. He clarified who he was and that this was the room we were meeting in, and then he asked for our help to arrange the room. We began folding tables and unstacking chairs as more people arrived. Soon, there were at least ten of us arranging rows and occasionally pausing to count the chairs.

The entire time, I kept saying to myself and, even more unfortunately, to the people around me: "This is not going to work. There isn't enough room. This area is too small. How are we going to fit more than seventy people in here?" I remember once, leaning over to my roommate and saying a bit too loudly, "This is just impossible."

Less than ten minutes later, the room was arranged and seating was provided for more than seventy people.

When I realized what had just happened, I felt extremely humiliated. I found a seat on the second row and sat down, feeling awkward and probably blushing a bit. The good news is that the man who had asked us to help wasn't bothered at all by my doubt, and he struck up a conversation with me before the meeting started.

It occurred to me later that God did a lot of impossible things this summer. I mean, seriously, I lived half-way around the world for more than five weeks and not only survived, but loved it. My team and I led, organized, and taught a three-week English camp to almost 200 Asian teenagers. I built friendships with my team, my students, and a bunch of Lao college kids that I hope will be lasting. I saw the need for prayer and some methods of prayer and I discovered the importance of intentionality in relationships. I lost my wallet, but thankfully not my ID or passport, and I received my replacement debit card in the mail in perfect timing. And, with about 9 other people, I set up seventy chairs in a room which I thought could not hold that many people.

And I realized: Nothing is impossible for God. When I'm putting my trust in the Almighty Father, He is truly that: All. Mighty. Omnipotent. Can't the One who created the world also work in the world? He is not a hands-off God, He is an active and present and all-knowing God.

Nothing is impossible for Him. He works everything out in His ways and with His provision. We may feel as if that limits Him, but it doesn't. It only shows his greatness and omnipotence. I guess I should stop saying that things are impossible. Saying that just proves that I am not trusting my Father. "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)

What I'm Listening To:

"Grace" - Tenth Avenue North

"You Do All Things Well" - Tenth Avenue North

A "Real" Missionary: How We're Always on Assignment

A lot of people think that missions is giving up of luxuries in Jesus's name. Like "I'm not a real missionary unless I go to the farthest corner of the earth and have no running water and run an undercover house church."

But that is not true. Serving the Lord in missions is an act of giving up your selfcenteredness for His glory so that He may use you to love on and minister to the people He desires to draw to Himself. Simply, it's not always giving up world-defined "luxuries." It's giving up anything which draws your attention back to yourself. Anything that keeps you from being selfless. Anything that keeps you from listening to the Spirit as he directs your steps. Anything that keeps you from building relationships with the people who need to hear of His saving grace and forgiveness.

If you can selflessly serve the Lord in a one room shack in the middle of India to poverty-stricken Hindus, you are doing missions. If you can selflessly serve the Lord in a tiny Hong Kong apartment in the heart of a big city among unreached businessmen, you are doing missions. If you can selflessly serve the Lord in a four bedroom house near the mountains of the Carolinas among "situational" and "nominal" Christians, you are doing missions.

Missions is not always the act of being luxury-less, it is the act of being selfless. Sometimes the two are the same thing. Sometimes God calls us to be his hands and feet to people who literally have nothing and are starving and naked and thirsty. And sometimes he calls us to be his hands and feet to people who seemingly have everything, but who in reality are as broken and needy as those who have nothing.

The organization I served with this summer primarily ministers to the educated of Asia. These people have food, they have shelter, but they are hungry for hope.

Yes, there is a dire need for people like us to meet the physical needs of the poor around the world. Even Jesus did that. He healed the lepers and fed the hungry before he told them the Good News. As a teacher, I like to say that my students won't care how much I know until they know how much I care. It's the same thing with the Good News. People won't care what you know (Jesus cares) until they know that you care. I'm not saying there isn't a call for physical needs (like hunger, thirst, illness, and nakedness) to be met. I would like to argue that there is more. There is also a call for emotional and mental needs to be met. Help meet the first need (whichever one God has equipped you to meet) and people will be open to hearing about how God can meet their spiritual need.

 Don't ever think that if your calling doesn't take you out of the country or to the poorest of the poor that you somehow aren't good enough. Because sometimes the orphans of the world are AIDS-infected African children. And sometimes they are black-haired, light-brown-skinned teenagers with almond-shaped-eyes whose biological parents have never told them that they love them.

And unless we learn to love the people around us in situations that don't actually call us to give up "big" or comfortable things, how can we ever love the people around us in the situations that do?

A lot of people think that missions is simply showing the Jesus film and planting a church. Maybe digging a fresh water well, too. Those things are great and we need them. But I think that "missions" can be more accurately defined as a lifestyle, not a profession. And way more than a summer trip.

We can choose professions like pastor, teacher, translator, counselor, and even auto mechanic, and can use those jobs as part of our missional lifestyle. That's one problem I have with majoring in Cross-Cultural Studies, like many people at my college do. Because what are you going to do with that? Why not get additional training? Major in Counseling and minor in CCS, so you then have a practical skill. Not only can that grant you entrance into a creative-access country, but it is actually a marketable profession you can do and get paid for and do missions through. Or major in Cross-Cultural Adult Education, because education is a great tool for relationship building which can lead to some awesome conversations.

Don't think that only people with a cross-cultural or inter-cultural studies degree can serve as a missionary. Missions is a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle whether you are overseas or in your home country. It's an assignment to make known the name of Christ wherever you are.

Interestingly, you never retire from mission work. We are always on an assignment, which proves that missions isn't something that only happens in other countries. 2 Peter chapter 3 says, "Always be ready to explain [your Christian hope]," not just when you sign up to go on a mission trip. I want to leave you with this quote from Father Sullivan...

We say the missionary is coming ‘home’. Perhaps that is the problem, for in fact, the missionary is not coming home. For it is as difficult to return and begin as it was to begin when you first went. The person has changed, the culture has changed, and the politics of the country has changed. So let’s reconceptualise it: we are not coming home, we are going on a new assignment. We have made that transition once, let’s build on a previous experience and feel we are going on a new commitment. This takes a lot of work.

What I'm Listening To:

"Send Us to the Nations" - Jarod Espy / Arisen

"All the Poor and Powerless" - All Sons and Daughters
"I Refuse" - Josh Wilson

Pages from My Asia Notebook (Part 2)

This post contains two passages from the journal I took to Asia. This is part two of two. I hope you'll see that living overseas is hard, but that God shows up in big ways.

7/24/12
I'm learning a lot about selflessness so far. I mean, the trip and the city and the food are new and exciting for a time. And then all that wears off and you're left with tired feet, unorganized lesson plans, lost wallets, janitors who throw your classroom decorations away, a difficult conversation, a language and culture you can't decipher, people who aren't speaking your love language, unresponsive students, buses that never come, a chipped tooth, a level 10 typhoon, a night you're unable to sleep, cravings for a restaurant on the other side of the world, a difficult provided Bible study, and a wondering in your heart if your students will ever see His love. It's not easy.
When the fun and excitement wears off, His love remains. His people remain. Relationships (with the Creator of the world first and with the community He's given us after that) are what surpass country lines and culture shock. They will provide for us to push through the difficulties and trust His faithfulness even in the bleak times, even when we worry or doubt or fear. He's there no matter where we are, at home or half way around the world, loving us just the same, desiring to work through us just the same.

7/26/12

I've had "I Believe You Will Come Like the Rain" stuck in my head for days now. It rains everyday here. 

Paul could tell the Philippians honestly, "...Everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News" (Phil 1:12). He didn't know (at the time all the crap was happening) that all of it would work perfectly together to bring about the Good News. And he probably never saw it working together perfectly with his own eyes. But he believed the Father.

I don't know how my life is going to work out. Honestly, I don't know. It's scary. But God is good. He works everything out for my good and His glory, so the Good News will be spread.

That God of ours, He works everything out for good and glory. We are called to let Him use us. And He is faithful to equip us for the work to which He's called us.

Pages from My Asia Notebook (Part 1)

Welcome Back! As you know, I spent the last five weeks in Asia teaching, sight-seeing, and catching a vision, and I returned to the States almost a week ago. It was an amazing and challenging trip that put things into perspective and solidified my calling. I would like to share with you some passages from the notebook/journal I used in Asia. This is part one of two. Enjoy!

7/12/12
So, I met my class two days ago. They are absolutely adorable and I love all of them. To think that the Father loves all of them more than I ever will is simply amazing.
I shared the devo tonight (we each have two nights to share a devo with the rest of the team). I shared about Lowercase People - the bus drivers, waitresses, 7-11 employees, school janitors, etc. They are not our primary focus, but they are making this trip possible. (Great tie to Switchfoot as well!) I received lots of comments about how good it was and I said "thank you" - that's it. It was good for me. What a blessing to hear that, even when everyone was tired.

Out to lunch with some students.

I'm thankful for taxi cabs when we don't want to ride the bus and good seats when we do. I'm thankful for snacks and cold water and the internet and students who listen when we talk. I'm thankful for students who will invite me to lunch and Ms. Bersa and Mr. Wong who also invite us. I'm thankful for sleep.

7/15/12
What an amazing two weeks it's been. I can say I love sitting at the harbor with my team at Tsim Sha Tsui looking over the Hong Kong skyline. It was beautiful. I really love my team - though sometimes each of them can get a bit annoying at times. Making sure I get enough food, rest, and introvert time makes loving them easier.

Some of the team and me at the TST Harbor.

I am reminded of His forgiveness when I compare myself to His standard and find I can never measure up. We celebrated communion at fellowship today and the leader said: "We take communion because we love the Lord a little and want to love Him a more... When we celebrate it, we do so not out of guilt, but by remembering that Christ has clothed us in his white robes of righteousness." No guilt in communion, only grace and forgiveness and remembrance.

Spiritually Prepared

My biggest fear going into college was that I wouldn't make any friends. God radically challenged and demolished that fear by blessing me with an amazing group of friends I have kept and loved these last two years. I would not be here without them.

Now, when it comes to my five week trip to Asia (which I leave for in 7 days!), my biggest fear is that I am not spiritually prepared enough. It's like this little sneaky feeling that I should be somewhere else (farther or deeper or stronger) in my relationship with God and that I'm just not there yet. I was actually really upset that I was not as "Christian" as I thought I should be before embarking on this trip.

The organization I'm serving with really emphasizes preparation and  pre-trip planning, even providing a Bible study, a journal devotional, and a book on servanthood to prepare us for the trip and the ministry we'll be doing. I think that's great, but it was affecting my outlook on the trip in general. I felt like I was not good enough to go to Asia in the first place. Fortunately, I was wrong. It's not about my "good-ness" or ability. It's about God's goodness and ability. He will equip me to do the good work he is calling me to. The pre-trip devotionals and Bible studies are for the purpose of opening my eyes and heart so I am willing to let him use me. They serve little purpose than to help me be aware, to help open and keep open the lines of communication between me and God.

Tirzah Presbyterian Church

I learned this while I was on a mini road trip today. This morning, I woke up at 6:30am and drove a little over an hour to a city a couple counties over from mine. It was fairly spontaneous, as the idea occurred to me late yesterday afternoon, and I wasn't sure exactly where I was going. I ended up doing everything I set out to do. First, I visited a tiny unincorporated community called Tirzah. In Hebrew, "Tirzah" is a female name which means "She is my delight" and it is found in the Bible as both a name and a city. I've always wanted to visit it just because of the name, but I learned today that the little town is just one street long! The road (Tirzah Rd) is about a mile and a half long and it literally has one church and a bunch of pretty houses. That's it. I wondered why I drove all the way there to drive down one street. Later, I went to the County library and found old records from the church, but nothing to explain why it was named Tirzah.

I think I set out trying to prove that I was beautiful or to find beauty. Maybe if I'm beautiful, I found myself reasoning, my Father will notice me. Or maybe I went about it trying to prove that I was somehow a good Christian, that I could go be away with God somewhere and have an amazing experience and come back spiritually renewed and glowing. Initially, I didn't set out looking to spend more time with God; I set out trying to be someone I wasn't.

Tirzah Road sign

After that random adventure, I drove to the Glencairn Gardens, a volunteer-run flower garden in the area. I spent some time taking pictures of nature and enjoying the scenery. Then I settled in for Jesus time. And let me tell you, God showed up without me needing to pressure him into coming. Or get down on my hands and knees and beg his presence. Not that there's anything wrong with asking God to be among us. The fact is that I learned that He already is. It matters so much to me that God sees me, that he notices me, that he finds me important, significant, and yes, beautiful. I failed to realize that he already does.

I don't have to do anything to get his attention because I already have it. He has carved my name into the palms of his hands. He doesn't just walk away when I need him or ignore me when I call him or find something more interesting to do. He always wants to hear my voice.

Flower at the Gardens

Thus, I realized I tend to focus on myself way too much. Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest had this to say today: "The continual inner-searching we do in an effort to see if we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, sickly type of Christianity, not the vigorous and simple life of a child of God."

I honestly felt like I wasn't good enough, and that held me back from doing so much. Chambers says that the correct attitude is to "launch out in reckless, unrestrained belief that the redemption is complete," because even if it isn't, we are made right with God in Christ, and we should move on from ourselves. At some point, we should not "worry anymore about [ourselves], but begin to do as Jesus has said...". Which is: prayer and service. Sometimes as Christians, we get this weird idea that sanctification and ministry are not simultaneous. I would like to argue that they almost always happen at the same time. God has saved me and is saving me and I'm working out my salvation through my work for God's kingdom.

The point is that God sees and notices and loves me. Sometimes I still have to be reminded of that. Because he so generously lavishes love and forgiveness on me, I can go and serve and minister to others, even if I don't feel perfect or even good enough. You know why?

Because we "are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that [we] may declare the praises of him who called [us] out of darkness into this wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:9). He chose us to serve him. And if we waited until we were perfect to start serving, we would be in heaven already. (Alone, of course, because a nice portion of that serving is missions work.)

In this post from March, I included 1 Peter 2:9 because I heard it twice in one less-than-two-hour period and I couldn't figure out why. However, today, when I opened My Utmost for His Highest and saw that 1 Peter 2:9 was the headlining verse, I knew God was going to speak to me through it. It was like he had given me a little taste beforehand so I'd know when to pay attention when he used that verse to speak to me. What a strange blessing from the Lord!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is going to use me how and where he wants me. He is going to equip me for the work to which he's called me. And I don't have to be superwoman or super-Christian. I just have to be willing.

What I'm Listening To:

"You're Beautiful" - Phil Wickham

"Something Beautiful" - NeedtoBreathe

Switchfoot on shuffle

My Call to Go

One of the things I love most about being home for the summer is sitting around the dining room table with my family. Usually there’s something funny going on: someone is either getting picked on or just said or did something hilarious or is telling a funny story from their day.

My stepdad recently buzzed my brother’s hair, I got a trim today, and my mom is getting her hair cut tomorrow, so we recently discussed hair styles. In a bit of humor, my stepdad told me to get a crazy hairstyle before I go to Asia, so that it will catch on. Casually, he remarked that “when [I] go back in three years,” everyone in Asia will be wearing their hair like that.

When I go back in three years? Wait… 

And that’s when I felt it. That little pinprick in my heart. Kinda like a cross between a jolt of electricity and the flap of a butterfly’s wing. Or perhaps it’s easier described as a push or poke or a bright light, maybe? (It sounded like this to Abraham and smelled like smoke for Moses.)

It’s happened to me a couple times. My heart skips a beat, my peripheral vision clouds over, I can’t breathe.

Sometimes it happens when God is calling me to say something. Or not to say something. But I’ve felt it strongest when God is speaking to me. It can happen in the midst of a worship session or in a random conversation. I felt it, just for a second, at the dinner table the other night.

Sometimes it’s clear like it was at dinner. That moment during May of my freshman year when God all but audibly called me to my vocation (teaching), was more than distinct. I cried walking down the hallway with a bunch of eighth graders. When God called me to intentional singleness last February, I was sitting in the prayer room on my college campus and I felt it inside. There’s no way I could pretend I didn’t hear what God said to me.

Other times, it’s been less noticeable. I can’t remember one specific moment when God called me to Asia, and I still don’t know if I'll ever serve in Asia long-term. But my heart is hugely with Asia for this summer. I knew in May 2011 that God called me to be a teacher, and I am drawn towards late middle school / early high school, which is what led me to volunteer with the organization I’m serving with this summer. Then Asia came into the picture, because that’s where the organization works. So I said: Cool, I've never been to Asia. I want to do something awesome this summer and for God to be glorified. And it’s teaching English, something I’ll be doing for the rest of my life.

And slowly, God broke down my defenses against Asia and revealed to me that he has great plans for me there. He has great plans for the team of college students I’ll meet in Los Angeles and work with Asia. And he has great plans for the students I will be teaching.

Recently, I’ve been having a hard time keeping my eyes from "leaking." I was given a copy of a pre-service Bible study called “God’s Heart for the Nations” for my trip and my eyes started watering while I was completing the first lesson. I couldn’t even get through the first preface to the third edition of John Piper’s Let the Nations be Glad without tearing up. The Sunday before Memorial Day, I spoke at my grandma’s church and received a love offering from them.  While I was preparing, the pastor and I previewed the video I was going to show before I spoke. I couldn’t even see the video once it started playing because my eyes were watering, and I struggled to keep myself from being noticed. And don’t even get me started on when I received the Operation Servanthood book, my luggage tags, T-shirt, waterbottle, and official journal in the mail. I opened the journal and skimmed a couple pages and felt like my heart was exploding.

It’s weird, because while I do have a tendency to cry, I don’t cry all that much. Nothing (except for the beauty of my Savior and my vocational calling) has captured my heart so much as this trip to Asia. Maybe it’s because this trip opens up a world (literally) of overseas opportunities for my future. Or maybe because this is the longest time I’ll be overseas, without anyone I’ve met before.  Or maybe because Asia is hitting me hard. (I would love to share more about that when I return!)

While I was getting ready for this trip, a guy friend of mine who has been to Asia three times before handed me an envelope with some cash for my trip. It was quite a lot of money for a college student, and I thanked him profusely.

On the outside of the envelope, he wrote a note, signing it “sincerely, with blessings, from a bro,” and his name. One line from the note caught my attention: May your preparation be worship. …That makes me cry, too.

In these next three weeks before I leave, I must make prayer a vital part of my preparation. I must make worship (the conscious effort of placing God first and giving him the glory due him) a vital part of my preparation. My friend was saying that all of my preparations, whatever I have to do to get ready, be an act of worship. I love that.

I have no doubt this trip is going to be difficult. Five weeks, two countries, over thirty-eight hours in airplanes (not to mention layovers), at least three different beds and roommates, and a classroom of 16-20 teenaged students. Yeah, it’ll be tough. But, hey, with God, nothing is impossible. With God, I have nothing to fear.

"No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you." (Joshua 1:5)

"The One Who called you is faithful and will do what He promised." (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

"God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. (1 Corinthians 1:9)

What I'm Listening To:

"Hold On" - B*Witched (this is one of my pumped-for-the-summer songs)

"I Refuse" - Josh Wilson

"Conmigo Estas (You Hold Me Now)" - Hillsong

P.S. I won't be updating this blog while I'm Asia. If you would like to receive my e-mail updates, please scroll down to the bottom of this post. For more information about my trip and how you can help, see my page here or send me an e-mail. Thanks!

Second Chances

After a lovely graduation at my alma mater and an awesome commencement speech from one of my favorite high school teachers, I had every intention of welcoming friends into the high-school-graduate club, taking a few pictures, and heading home to enjoy the beautiful and warm evening. I planned to write a blog post and add some supporters to my e-mail update list for while I am overseas before going to bed.

 I was feeling like quite the independent woman, to say the least. (Cue the “independent black woman who don’t need no man!”) Walking back to my car after the ceremony tonight, in my heels with my fancy purse, I relished (maybe a bit too forwardly) that I was a twenty year college student with my life before me and trip to Asia on the horizon. I even got the random urge to roll down my windows and turn up the radio and sing Abandon’s “New Years Day” much too loudly on the thirty minute drive home. It was fantastic.

Then I glanced down and realized I had missed a call from my mom. I called her back and we played a short round of phone tag. She called me back again and asked me if I had left graduation yet and where I was.

Pause with me for a moment. Here I am. Independent. Driving my own car. I have been at college on and off for two years, during which time I do not call my mom every time I leave or arrive somewhere, like I once did during my first years as a licensed driver. My mom was even at graduation, though she was required to sit with the other teachers while I sat with a friend, and she told me she was leaving as soon as the ceremony was over, but that I could stay as long as I wanted. So why did she call me? It felt like overkill.

Believe me, I absolutely love my mom. But there was something that irked me about her phone call. Sometimes I feel like I am at this strange and confusing crossroads between child and adult. Legally, I can order things online, drive unrestricted, live by myself, and a host of other things. One more year and I’ll be legal in more ways as well.

Yet at the very same time, I am so incredibly dependent. Just hours earlier, my mom bought my dinner at Moe’s and was reminding me that I have to rely on someone to come pick me up from the airport when I fly back to the US from Asia.

And when it comes to God, I need him to. Sometimes I hate admitting that.

I came home from college excited about this trip to Asia. I came home tired, so tired, but ready to learn and grow (and read and knit and run) this summer. And I was doing well, too. I had a system for getting up at a decent time, eating a healthy breakfast and doing a devotional time, then heading to the YMCA for a good workout and practicing for a 5K.

In time, I began slipping out of the schedule. I got prideful. I stayed up too late and woke up too late. I didn’t do my devotions; I stopped seeing God in the little things. I slipped up. Earlier today, I got upset for no reason. I lost my phone and blamed it on everyone but myself. I became disappointed in myself for a side cramp and a leg-spasm-thing that kept me from running today. I yelled at my brother.

When I don’t go to God for the daily (spiritual) bread I need each day, I sometimes wonder how I make it through the day. It’s awful. There is this God who is sovereign over everything and who loves me and I continue to ignore him and his pursuit of me because reading the Bible is “boring” or I’m “tired” or there’s “so much” to do. How stupid is that?

Tonight, driving with the windows down and “New Years Day” loud, I thought about second chances. Today did not go exactly as planned, although it ended well. When I mess up, whether I’m struggling with a bad habit sin or a major struggle sin, whether I’m just not seeing God or actively rebelling against God, it should bring me to (good) guilt - the kind that leads to repentance.

Repentance is not an “I’m sorry” and move on. It’s a changing “I’m sorry.” Repentance means that I hate the sin and I am so grateful that God would love me through and in spite of it. In reality, God does not see my sinful self, but rather the holy Jesus covering over me. And while God sees Jesus covering me, I am being redeemed and made holy. I am in the process of sanctification. I am being saved.

Am I there yet? Definitely not. But I must believe that God is working. God is moving. I am being sanctified. I am being made to look more like him.

And I must have patience with myself along the way. God is a God of second chances and it’s okay to need him desperately, because I do. A lot.

What I'm Listening To...

"New Year's Day" - Abandon

"You Are" - Tenth Avenue North

"You Are My King (Amazing Love)" - Newsboys

Check out my 30 Before 30 Blog: doing thirty things in the next ten years. Want to get e-mail updates  while I'm in Asia for five weeks? Use the form in the post below. Comment with your thoughts on repentance!