Is This What I Meant?

I'm writing this after a seemingly normal day in the life of me. I woke up, ate breakfast, checked my e-mail, drove to school, went to English where I talked about poems, went to Bible where I took a quiz and did a worksheet, went to Science where I took a test, went to lunch, went to Economics where I watched a Dave Ramsey video, drove home and did four transactions on my Economics project, worked on my Key Club Scholarship, checked my Facebook, then I ate leftover Taco soup and watched Law and Order: Criminal Intent until I left for Bible Study which was at the coffee shop, I led the lesson at Bible Study about Abraham after listening to one of our members practice her speech on faberge eggs for her class tomorrow, then I came home and watched House with my mom as I made a Facebook event for next week's Bible Study and talked with a friend about a possible move night next week, then I got my laptop and went into my room where I continued to work on my scholarship application, and where I realized that I was supposed to buy a costume for the upcoming play, in which I play the main female role, then I logged on to my online yearbook program to work on my page which is due the day after tomorrow, and then I logged in here.

And it occurred to me: On Thursday I will be 18 years old. Of course, I've been planning events and talking about it with my friends, but it finally hit me. I suddenly realized: Wow. I wondered: When I was younger, and I dreamed about being 18, is this what I had meant? Is this what I had envisioned for my future?

I had always wanted to be involved and active in my world and have a lot of friends and a boyfriend and a car and that sort of thing. And sure, I'm the president of my school's Key Club, I'm a member of my church and my church's youth group, and my church's youth group's leadership team, and my church's Guest Services team, and... But sometimes it just seems like busy-ness. My younger self always thought that I would find immense fulfillment in every activity I undertook, yet my busy days look like just that - busy days. Not this perfect teenager who succeeds at everything she does. (Because I don't!)

I guess my question is: Am I who I thought I would be?

The answer is two-fold: Yes and no. Yes, activities like Key Club and youth group and Bible Study and my babysitting business have brought me out of my terribly shy shell and given me the experience to do more in my future, but no, I'm not perfect. I'm not the ideal teenager with a perfect life. No, I don't have a boyfriend and I struggle with thoughts that I'm not good enough every day.

I've always had this "perfect" mentality. You may see it in the lives of adults who say things like this: "I just need that job or that kind of car or a house in that neighborhood or those kinds of kids... and then I'll be good enough. Then I'll be perfect. Then I will be better than the Joneses." Well, I had this perfect little teenager ideal picked out for me: Car, Boyfriend, Job, president of some clubs, straight As, all the extracurriculars, overly kind, open to everyone... I could go on forever.

And now my question is: Do I want to be who I thought I would be? Do I want that ideal teenage life?

The answer is no. When we pick and choose these "perfect" labels, we forget God's plan. See, God doesn't want us to be "successful" as much as he wants us to serve him. Maybe God wants you in this particular neighborhood instead of the one you have your eyes on, so you can minister to the people here. Maybe God doesn't want you to join 10 groups in high school. Maybe He wants you to invest your life into 1 or 3 where you can make a big difference for Him. Maybe I don't have a boyfriend because he wants to use me as a single lady for his purposes, maybe to encourage someone else who isn't dating.

Riddle me this: Is the dirt-poor missionary in Africa any less successful than the famous wealthy movie star with 3 broken marriages?

Yeah, it's hard to say that I'll give God my everything, because I want my money! I want my time! I want my love life! I want, I want! It's hard to say that I will care about heavenly successes more than earthly successes. It's hard to say that treasures in heaven are more important to me than treasures on earth. It's hard to say that I'm more interested in God telling me "Well done, good and faithful servant" than the scholarship board telling me "Congratulations, here's your $1,000 scholarship".

But what really matters?

"Money is given you by God so that you might use it in such a way that it is plain to everyone that money is not your treasure Christ is!"

- John Piper

People get it living for a job,
Make a little money start living for a car,
Get 'em a wife, a house, kids and a dog,
Then they retire, they living high on the hog,
But guess what? They didn’t ever really live at all,
To live is Christ, and that’s Paul I recall,
To die is gain and for Christ we give it all,
He's the treasure you’ll never find in a mall,
See, your money, your singleness, marriage, talents, your time,
They were loaned you to show the world that Christ is divine

- Don't Waste Your Life By: LeCrae

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

- Matthew 6:21