Treasure

Maybe it's just my maternal instinct sneaking out, but I'm starting to catch a glimpse of what Luke meant when he wrote that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2:19).

I'm acting in my church's Christmas play tonight alongside two little girls, a 7-year-old and an 11-year-old. An entire slew of children and adults are acting in other scenes, as characters such as Herod, wisemen, shepherds, and angels. We have been practicing for the play twice a week since just before Thanksgiving and we have our final dress rehearsal this afternoon at 4pm.

You may think that a church Christmas play is a stressful, daunting, and frustrating task. It is. But it doesn't have to be. I have been so amazed and surprised by how the entire process can be so much more rewarding. For one, I have started to treat the girls I'm acting with as if we were equals. When I tell them they need to slow down or exit now or make sure they don't forget a word in a certain line, I also ask them if I can do anything for them. I've gotten responses like: "Can you make sure you say 'Egypt' at the end of that line, so I know my cue?" and "Can I not say this part of my line?" and my personal favorite: "Can I roll my eyes when she says that?" They are actually making their own choices and I believe they feel like I care about their choices.

Yet one thing really captured my heart. In the play, the two girls have not seen their dad in several months and their mom has recently passed away. I'm the social worker at the children's home where they are staying. At the end of the play, I've presented the gospel and the girls and I are praying. The Narrator and music fade in. When we were rehearsing, one of the girls asked me, "Do you think their dad comes back? Why is that not in the play?" I had the opportunity to discuss how finding and accepting Jesus does not make your life perfect; it simply makes you able to handle the problems of life because you can depend on God through them. The girls agreed with me and shared examples.

When we took a break from the hustle and bustle of the play and instead spent some time reflecting, we were able to relate to each other, to place a building block on our relationships, and to fix our eyes on Jesus. That moment is something I treasure. I would not trade it for anything.

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Similarly, I'm learning some interesting things through conflict resolution with my roommate. It is not fun. At all. But it is good.

My roommate is a people-oriented, relationship-motivated extrovert. It makes me want to shoot my foot. I am an introvert who loves people, but I can only handle people in small doses. In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes: "I am that cordless screwdriver that has to charge for twenty hours to earn ten minutes use." I completely understand. I'm also task-oriented. My roommate and I figured this out: It hurts me when she doesn't wash her dishes. It hurts her when I tell her I don't want to talk about what's bothering me. Well, duh, I want to say, Wash your dishes to show me you value me. (I'm task-oriented: wash your dishes.) But then she's saying, Well, duh, talk to me to show me you value me. (She's people-oriented: the dishes can wait.) It's fairly amusing to actually talk about it and deal with it.

The beautiful moment that I will treasure is when we faced this phenomenon together. We talked about our issues no matter how much they hurt. I will treasure the moment when I realized that being a "3am friend" is probably not cut out for me, and I cried about it, and she was there with a hug. I will treasure the moment when she acted as a mediator to help our mutual friend and I experience conflict resolution together. For the first time, I'm seeing problems and disagreements actually worked out in a healthy way. And I treasure that.

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I treasure coffee nights and dinners with my small group girls. About half the group went to coffee with my co-leader and me last night and the other half (with some overlap) are having dinner with us Monday night. I'm seeing that ministry doesn't have to fit in the confines of one hour a week in which we talk about the Bible for the entire hour. In almost all cases, "ministry" should first and foremost be relationships. I treasure the fact that last night, we didn't talk about Jesus. As crazy as that sounds, that's why I treasure it. Because suddenly, I was able to look at these girls as the beautiful individuals they are without trying to weasel some sort of spiritual thoughts out of them. I felt honest as we sipped peppermint mochas and chai lattes. I felt like we were becoming friends while we laughed about Candy Land and chocolate cake. It didn't feel like group, it felt like friendship. And I treasure that.

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I treasure the relationships I have with my guy friends. Who would have thought that guys would make great friends? Definitely not me. While there are still challenges, as with any friendship, I am truly honored to be doing life alongside both girls and guys. I'm starting to see these people as women and men - adults of whom I'm really proud. What a blessing to walk alongside these guys as their sister!

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I wanted to share these things with you as a reminder that although we have bad days (weeks, months, seasons...), we are still surrounded by an amazing God who provides for us each day. He blesses us with not  only the things we need for life, but also things that provide the joy in life.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

- C.S Lewis

Love Yourself: Advice for Christians (Part Two)

If you missed part one, you can read it here.

I accepted Jesus into my heart fourteen years ago this month. I've spent fourteen years in this religion that is more like a relationship; fourteen years deeper into the heart of God.

A lot has changed since then. For one, I have learned how to articulate my beliefs. I finally nailed down my views on Calvinism and Arminianism (closer to the latter), soteriology (ransom theory with a bit of Christus Victor), and predestination ("ordained" free will... kinda). In addition, I've had my fair share of heartaches, victories, doubts, and beliefs. I watched the breaking apart of my parents' marriage. I lost a piece of my innocence. I lost my grandpa. I faced my fears. I began counseling.

Sometimes I characterize my growing up as "overchurched," in the sense that attending a Christian school and being involved in every activity at church often made me jaded to Christ. I literally did not want to hear it anymore. Unfortunately, living with a continual and typically repetitive or even simplistic "dose" of Jesus every time you turn around can be unhealthy. We may forget the most important things about Christianity.

Case in point: We all know the words of John 3:16 by heart, but most of us really do not believe them in our hearts. John 3:16 begins with these two words: God loves. Do we believe that he loves? Does our acknowledgement of his love change the way we live, interact, or think?

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In my last post, I offered the idea that the advice "Love Yourself" can actually be beneficial for Christians. When I look at 1 Corinthians 13 and see that love is patient, love is kind, it only makes sense that I would treat myself, just as I treat others, in those ways.

To continue with 1 Corinthians 13, verse five says that love "keeps no record of being wronged." When it comes to loving yourself, I think this phrase goes both ways. Love does not make a list of every time someone sins against you. But also, love does not make a list of every time you sin. Yourself. Love is not about keeping the law or maintaining rules and regulations. Love is about living a spirit-filled life. Romans 8:3-4 reads:

The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin's control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit.

The thing is, under the new covenant (basically, the New Testament), we do not live by the rules of the Law (the old covenant, the Old Testament Law). And when we meet Christ and accept his free gift of salvation, we no longer live in slavery to the sinful nature. As born-again Christians, we live by the Spirit. God declared an end to both the law's control and sin's control over us.

Now, take this theology and apply it to keeping no record of wrongs. If Romans 8:1 is correct, if there really is no condemnation for those who in Christ Jesus, then of course God does not make a list of our sins and judge us by it. He loves us as his children, and I believe he isn't about to bring up our past sins to make us feel guilty or to place blame or shame on us. That's not the way love works.

Similarly, when we talk about loving ourselves, it is important that we acknowledge that we sin, that we are aware that we are not yet who we want to be in Christ, but that we not become obsessed with feeling bad about our sins or walking around with this subjective feeling of "condemnation" for doing something wrong. Has God forgiven you? Has God already forgiven you? The answer is a firm and resounding Yes. Don't keep holding to that bad feeling after you sin. 1 John 1:9 says, "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." So confess it and move on.

Keeping a record of your wrongs and bringing them up again every single time someone mentions forgiveness and grace is a pretty depressing way to live. I know. I've been there. The thing is, God doesn't care about all of that. He loves you regardless. He loves you for who he made you to be. He loves you because His son's blood covers all of your sins. Why hold on to something Jesus has already washed off of you? Why grasp the chains of sin and guilt that Jesus already broke? Tenth Avenue North sings:

Your blood bought and makes us children
Children drop your chains and sing

Friends, a healthy realization that, as Christians, we still sin, is good. Yes, Christians still sin. The only difference is that sin does not drive us from God in a desperation, it actually ends up drawing us closer to God. When we sin now, as believers, we can come to God and kneel before him and confess, "God, I'm sorry for my sin. I repent." And you know what? God says, "What sin? I don't know what you're talking about." Come up here and sit on my lap.

Hebrews chapter four says that since Jesus was tempted in every way we are, yet he did not sin, we can "approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" (Hebrews 4:16). God is not angry at us! He wants to give us mercy and grace. He wants to help us in our weaknesses. He beckons us towards him. What a beautiful realization that, even though it seems impossible, if we give God our pain and mistakes and heartaches, if we reveal to him our brokenness and sins, he will redeem us. He will forgive us. In fact, he already has. Come to the water, my friend.

God keeps no record of wrongs. Love keeps no record of wrongs (your own or someone else's). To love yourself means to not beat yourself up over what has happened in the past. To love yourself means to confess it and move on, to accept God's graciousness and forgiveness and be loved. To let yourself be loved.

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1 Corinthians 13:7 says that love always hopes. Check back for part three where I will discuss how hope applies to loving yourself.

What I'm Listening To:

Hallelujah, The Struggle, and Shadows - Tenth Avenue North
Doubts or Disbelief - Chasen

Like Raindrops and Waterfalls

I love acoustic worship. So when I heard that this morning’s worship at my church was all acoustic, organized by one of my friends, I was really excited. There was a cello, an acoustic guitar, and a Cajon (a square drum you sit on), as well as a couple singers. Wow is the best word to describe how great it was.

When the third and next to last song began, I realized I recognized it. I listened for a minute and then opened my eyes to read the lyrics on the screen. Oh, yes. I knew this song because a good friend had introduced me to the artist through a couple concert invitations and a ministry we were a part of. I say this in the past tense because there was an issue in the friendship that eventually caused its end. On a good note, forgiveness has been given and received, although things can never be the way they were before.

I liken this situation to a dating relationship that ended in a break up because whenever I was reminded of what happened with this friend, I got angry. Someone would say something my friend would say, and I would be upset. Or I would go to a restaurant or hear a song or remember something funny about the friendship and it be pretty unfortunate for my emotions. It felt like a bad break up, even though I've never dated before.

I would add that eventually people get over break-ups. Yeah, eat some ice cream and cry about it and pray about it, but soon you’re going to move on and be a better person because of it. I want to share something I’ve learned recently.

Healing comes like raindrops and waterfalls. 

Sometimes, healing is like little raindrops. For me, I learned how to say “Hi” to someone who hurt me. It was tiny, but it was healing. Also, I learned how to ask for help when I was struggling with things like temptation. Sending one quick text message, while it may feel huge, is just a raindrop of healing.

Healing also comes like waterfalls. When I realized what song was being played this morning, I was not upset about remembering my friend. In fact, I began to make a new “memory” with the song, if you will. Now, when I hear it, I am no longer thinking of the concert I did not attend, I am thinking of an acoustic worship set in the sanctuary in my church home. Even more than that, I am thinking of the beautiful God who loves me.

But remember this: Healing Comes. God will never leave us in the mess in which we find ourselves. He is patient, He is good, and He will restore us.

On Wednesday night, I got to share one of the deepest parts of my testimony with a large group of girls in my dorm as part of a testimony night we have once a month. It was so awesome that once we got started, I was not nervous at all. And then when I spoke, it went so well, and I did not stutter like I usually do when speaking before people. In the past, this has been a sign that God was really speaking though me, which was so encouraging. So many girls came up to me afterwards and thanked me for sharing. A couple of them have wanted to talk recently. This healing is like a waterfall. Strong and persistent; beautiful and cleansing.

Francis Frangipane once said, “Rescue is the constant pattern of God's activity.” So beautiful.

Oh, and the song we sang today in church? Phil Wickham’s “Beautiful”
Enjoy.



I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

Coming to Terms

On their new album, Switchfoot sings,

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
....
I want to thrive, not just survive...

Finding words for this post was difficult, I'm just going to be honest, and the post seems all over the place and scrambled. This week has been like an emotional roller coaster. I learned this week to let go of the things I carry around with me. It's like an unspoken rule that I always have to be upset or angry over something; I must always have a grudge on someone. I like to hold on to what happened and let it fester. Even if I've already forgiven and "moved on," bringing it up again to complain about it is somehow comforting.

The truth is that I should just get over some of those difficult things I carry around with me. Others of them, however, while I may have moved past them in one sense, are deeply embedded into who I think I am. Those usually deserve some deeper thought and prayer (maybe some evaluations, some changes, etc), but they are definitely not the end of the world. Nothing really is. God's got me no matter what, and I need to remember that.

On Monday, I had my first appointment with one of the counselors here on campus. I realized I could not deal with issues from last semester, seven years ago, twelve years ago, etc., on my own. Plenty of hurt surfaced, some related, some not, and I had to talk it out. I had to pray about it. I had to stop bugging my friends with my same, ridiculous issues again and again, and I needed someone to talk to who wasn't nineteen years old and living in a college dorm. I realized not only am I more than what has happened to me, but I'm also more than what I've done. God does forgive sin.

I feel a bit ashamed to admit that I broke down at church on Wednesday. I felt so alone. It was stupid, really. With my extremely sensitive nature, I took some sarcastic comments a little too personally and they became the straw on the camel's back of my emotions. With the help of my pastor's lovely wife and a good friend, I realized that we are all, essentially, the same. We all have crap in our lives. We all have needs and desires: psycho-social, physical, mental, emotional, relational, psychological, spiritual, and more. We all have this overwhelming emptiness, this innate yearning for something more. We all fear that we are just not good enough or we just don't quite fit. Therefore, it is wrong to complain about our issues, because, let's face it, others are hurting, too. This does not mean that our true friends do not want to hear from us. Or that its wrong to have a bad day or need some crying time or whatever. It just means that we should be living with our eyes ahead, lifted to God's grace, whether we are on the mountains or in the valleys of life. Don't get so bogged down in the things of life. Name them, learn from them, and move on.

Please be praying for my dad and stepmom. This past week, two relatives and friends of theirs passed away, both pretty suddenly. I have been praying for and seeking a way to talk with them about Jesus, and while this was definitely not expected, it does provide a prime chance to talk. Please pray for that.

But there is good news, my friends!

On Thursday, I was blessed with two generous donations for my trip to China this summer. God is so good. I cannot imagine how poor college students could have contribution so much already. Your prayers are coveted for the trip, especially for the teenagers I will be teaching, either middle or school or high school grade(s).

Also, I will be teaching (substituting) in an ESL class on Tuesday. I usually team-teach the Advanced class with a friend, but this week I am substituting alone, for the beginner's class, which is super exciting.

Finally, to end on a good note, I want to show you a blog post I wrote when I was turning 18. I asked if I was what I thought I would be, and if I wanted to be who I thought I would be. I answered both questions with a "no," because even though I had most of what I wanted (like a car, a job, extracurriculars, etc.) In a sense, I'm glad I got what I wanted. But more than that, I realized, at seventeen and 362 days, that I wish I had listened to God more during high school. I do not want that to be a regret of my college experience.

One way to avoid being regretful in college is to move on through my issues and difficulties. Getting stuck in the pitfalls is an absolutely horrible idea. This week I began taking the first steps to a continual process of moving on, and it was the people around me who helped to make it possible.

Relationships... And Crazy People.

I struggled for a long time with how to introduce this post. On one hand, I am a die-hard introvert who struggles to make small talk and who has difficulty keeping up with lots of people. On the other, I love friends and community and challenges and deep dialogue. So, relationships are complicated for me, to put it simply.

This does not mean that they are not rewarding. The longer I’m at college, the more amazing relationships become. I mean, who would have thought that guy friends can be so cool? Or that the girls I shared a bathroom with would actually become young ladies I could cry with and laugh with. Or that a friend with a similar home situation would sob on my shoulder, and I on hers. Or that God would bless me with not one, but two awesome roommates. Or that a community would actually wrap their arms around me. I mean, really.

However, do not take this to mean that relationships are in any way easy. I mean, the fact that we have to work for them usually makes them as rewarding as they are. But they’re so difficult!

To paraphrase my friend who led Sunday School this morning, a relationship can be defined as a shared understanding between two people. This understanding involves expectations which we assume will be met by the other person. These expectations are 1) Care for each other (concern, acknowledgement, etc), as well as 2) Mutual intimacy through shared enjoyment of each other or a mutual interest, goal, principle, or activity. Basically, when either of the expectations are not met, there is a sudden rift and pain in the friendship. This pain is called shame.

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I want to focus specifically on a couple “pain” feelings I’ve dealt with recently.

For one, I recently got upset with my roommate. Long story short, I ended up washing three loads of dishes. I told a mutual friend that I was not going to wash the dishes and that I was leaving them for my roommate, but in the end I just couldn’t leave them. It was not my job to wash these dishes, I didn’t use them and they weren’t mine, but I washed them anyway. Why?

In the past, I have succumbed, I guess, to other people’s wishes. I blamed myself when things went wrong. I did more than my share of the group project. I drove to events or church or school even when I didn’t want to. I felt sick when there were confrontations or arguments between two other people around me. While I was washing the dishes tonight, I realized I was beating up myself. I kept saying “I should have made her wash the dishes. Maybe then she wouldn’t leave a pile. But what would Jesus do? Isn’t it right to lay down what I want for someone else? I know this isn’t the first time this has happened, but I’m a compassionate, forgiving person. Why, so I can let this happen again?” It was ridiculous. All that said, I washed the dishes.

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Secondly, an issue we talked about this morning is what I like to term “soul-disclosure.” It’s the act of disclosing not only information about yourself, but also the deeper things. When you meet someone and you talk about where you’re from, your family, what you do, that sort of stuff is self-disclosure. When you start talking about God, your testimony, your hopes and dreams, your doubts and fears, your wounds and compromises, and boundaries, things have shifted from self-disclosure to soul-disclosure.

From personal experience, I would say that all close relationships with our Christian brothers and sisters should be at a level of soul-disclosure, but the level of depth is up to you. A relationship of mine suffered and the friendship ended several weeks ago because there was a miscommunication about the expectations involved. You must be careful with soul-disclosure, because this is intimate stuff. The fear is that if we reveal a certain aspect of our souls, we will be rejected. That is why soul-disclosure must only be given when trust has been established. And even then, hurt can still happen.

This is where my pain comes from. With regards to soul-disclosure, the perfectly normal and good expectation was not met, and I experienced shame. It’s why I feel like I’m too much or not enough. And I’m still dealing with it – it doesn’t go away immediately by itself. But God is good. Because through this, he is refining me like gold through fire. He’s teaching me how to let him love me. But more on that later.

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In closing, I believe that we need each other. Greatly. The Christian community is so essential for the Christian. If for no other reason, go to church for the people.

With that said, I would invite you to make peace with Christian brothers or sisters you need to reconcile with. In the past few weeks, good friends have come to me and said, “I apologized to so-and-so” or “Hey, I got to talk with so-and-so” and it is amazing hearing their stories. The thing that has made life so much better for me the past year was forgiving my dad last March. So, if you’re waiting to make peace, here’s the encouragement.

I also encourage you to shake up the way you express love. For example, I often end conversations with “Love you!” or compliment a friend with “I love you!” While it’s wonderful to say that, and I am not lying, I feel as if few people really understand. I’ve decided I’m going to actually define “I love you” when I say it. This means that I’m going to be saying what I mean, however weird it sounds. “I enjoy spending time with you,” “I value your thoughts and feelings,” and “I’m here for you” are all ways to say “I love you” without the awkward connotations or confusion. It really clarifies what I actually feel. Now by all means, there is something significantly important to the words "I love you," but sometimes they need defining.

Finally, define love. And love the people around you. God's given them to you for a reason.

"Why Are You Nice?"

This past Wednesday, a friend and I were pushing swings, catching kids at the bottom of the slide, and carrying on conversations with little ones before children's church started. I found myself at the top of the slide with a little girl behind me. As I picked her up so she could slide down on my lap, an eight year old boy behind us asked, "Why are the college kids always so nice?"

My heart broke for him. I wanted to sit him down and look into those green eyes of his and tell him how Jesus saved me. I wanted to pour out my joy upon this little kid, investing God's love into him. I wanted to captivate his attention with the story of how I came to know Christ and how Christ is changing me. I wanted to be a vessel through which God could shine down his love upon this child.

It was time to go inside for church. So I simply smiled at this eight year boy and told him we'd talk later. How I long for an opportunity to do just that!

Because I believe that question was his way of sending a little questioning probe into Christianity, into the possibility of a relationship with Christ. It's the same as an adult asking her Christian colleague, "Why are you so peaceful despite all the work you have to do?" Or the guy knee-deep in partying asking his Christian roommate, "Why don't you come party with us?" Or the grandma in the airplane beside a young missionary asking, "Where do you get this strength to go on long-term mission trips?" I believe that little boy was asking where we got our joy and where we tapped into the love we often unknowingly pour upon those kids.

I missed the opportunity to share with him this past week, but I'm counting on it again. God is opening doors to share his heart with broken people... Even eight year old boys.

There is hope, there is hope, there is hope
But everyone who’s lost will be coming home
And everything that hurts will be whole again
And love will be the last thing standing

"Love Wins," Robbie Seay Band

1 Corinthians 8:9-13

But you must be careful so that your freedom does not cause others with a weaker conscience to stumble. For if others see you - with your "superior knowledge" - eating in the temple of an idol, won’t they be encouraged to violate their conscience by eating food that has been offered to an idol? So because of your superior knowledge, a weak believer for whom Christ died will be destroyed. And when you sin against other believers by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong, you are sinning against Christ. So if what I eat causes another believer to sin, I will never eat meat again as long as I live - for I don’t want to cause another believer to stumble.

1 Corinthians 8:9-13, NLT

Church

What is the church, but a community of believers gathered for worship, fellowship, and prayer?

"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

- Hebrews 10:25

My family and I attended a church today in our new area. We had attended the church's more traditional service two weeks ago, so today we went to the more contemporary service. Despite the fact that the people were different, the building was shaped and situated differently, and the styles of preaching and singing were different than my old church - I really began to see a great similarity.

You see, all true Christians worship the same God. As the leader of the band strummed the tune to "Oh Happy Day" on his guitar, the female singer worshipfully sang, "Hosanna, Hosanna" and the drummer went crazy to "Let God Arise", I realized that Christians everywhere, no matter what they wear or sing or where they go or who they're with, praise and honor the same God on Sunday morning. They have something in common - their Savior.

Towards the end of the service, a softer song was played, one I hadn't heard before. It was beautiful, and I realized that I don't always have to sing the same songs to praise my Lord. I can "sing a new song to you, O God" (Psalm 144:9). There are so many beautiful worship songs out there and I don't have to get stuck in a spiritual rut and hear the same messages and sing the same songs every Sunday. God is big and great and multi-faceted and supreme and the supplier of all we need. We need to worship him in many ways with different songs and different words and varied and multiple acts of service and generosity.

My move to this new area and the chance to visit another church has taught me that we all serve the same God. And that there are so many different ways to worship him through song, actions, and more. Don't neglect the beauty of God in your life. Worship him.

Connecting

Ironically, the week before my first official Sunday at my new house, my old church is doing a series on connecting. The tag-line is "Life doesn't work well in isolation". Touche, church, touche.
Being alone hurts, everyone knows that. Sure, it may feel good to get away from everything once in a while, but humans were not designed to be alone all the time. That's why we have friends and family and spouses and roommates and churches.
And other than hanging with my mom and my brother all day long as we move stuff to our new house and train our dog to stay inside the new invisible fence and eat dinner with my stepdad, there hasn't been a lot of connecting going on. I haven't seen one of my best friends since the day after graduation, and the other since my mom's wedding about 3 weeks ago. Another good group of friends and I last got together on Memorial Day.
I love my friends. And while I may miss them, I have a million things to do with the move and I just haven't had time to see them yet. Although, I am get-together with a good friend tomorrow, so that's okay.

But what about church? I have this summer to deal with. Eight Sundays until I go to college.
There are many churches in my new town I could visit, and I think I will. On one hand, I feel guilty for leaving my old church. The problem is that I don't want to drive 45 minutes to church every week. So maybe it's time to move on. Moving and moving on.
There's a church at the college I'm attending that I'll visit and probably attend when I go to college.
I don't want to feel upset that I'm leaving my old church and visiting new ones. I want to be able to find connections wherever I am. And I'll be praying for God to help me establish those.

Did I Miss Out?

Over the course of my adolescence, I've had crushes on many guys. Some were painful emotions which lasted for years, and some were moment-long butterflies.

I caught a glance of one of the guys I recently liked at youth group. The butterfly feelings were unmistakable - and strong. I hadn't felt them in a long time. I looked away. And I felt guilty for my fleeting look, however innocent, because I knew a friend of mine was interested in this guy.

And when my mind wandered to her feelings for this guy, my guilt turned to disappointment. All my middle school daydreams of meeting the perfect guy in high school, walking to and from classes with him, being escorted to senior prom by him... Gone.

The question I'm asking is - Did I miss out on something in High School because I didn't date? Am I missing what "everyone else" had?

I'll let you know ten years from now when I'm a happy wife and a mother!

Facebook Fast Update #2

Today is day 6 1/2. Tomorrow the "half" is really the whole day because I promised not to get on Facebook until after prom. I won't be home from prom until midnight, which is obviously Sunday. :)

Anyway, other than daydreaming about what my crops must be doing, or wondering how many notifications I'll have when I return, fasting from Facebook isn't truly that hard.

But I have a confession. By eliminating Facebook, I haven't really replaced it with something else. I mean, my life is so busy anyway, but I thought I'd have all this time to do whatever with. Turns out I just watch tv and go to bed earlier. Not entirely what I thought I'd do.

Although maybe today will be different. No school today. I'm getting my eyebrows done at 10:15, then heading to the mall for some kind of hair accessory for prom. I'll be home before lunch, so what am I going to do with the rest of my day? Work on homework for Monday? (Probably, because all I have is a Budget plan for Econ.)

But, I digress. The point is that I'll have more free time today and tomorrow morning/early afternoon. Which is why I'm writing here instead of posting a good Facebook status.

Something I've realized while doing this is that you get out what you put in. When I stopped making status updates, I stopped getting as many e-mails (something I forgot to turn off) announcing that my friends had commented on my statuses. I think that concept applies to other areas of life, too. If I put hours into a certain friendship or relationship, building up the other person, communicating, developing inside jokes... I'm going to get something great out of it. Same thing with God. I haven't been putting in much lately. I've been feeling like I'm working too hard and I'm not getting anything out.

At youth group on Wednesday, the message series was called "Flirt" and it's about "the air and opportunity between God and me". Our youth pastor told us that (in the best sense), God is flirting with us. He draws us towards him and chases us, like guys should do for girls. I've never really heard it mentioned like that before. And I've never really felt like that before. It always seems like I have to do the work to get to God.

People always quote James 4:8 ("Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.") which always leaves me wondering if I have to be perfect to enter God's presence, if I have to do to the work to get to know God. Wouldn't he want to get to know me?

Since context is king, I went to James chapter 4. It describes sinful, covetous people who quarrel and fight because they don't have what they want "because you do not ask God" (v. 2). It goes on to say that when they ask, they ask with "wrong motives" (v. 3).

It says that "friendship with the world is hatred toward God" (v. 4) but that God gives us more grace if we are humble (v. 6). Verse seven is a call for submission to God and resistance to the devil. And there is verse eight, which tells us to draw near to God and purify ourselves. Verses nine and ten tell us to be sad and gloomy and to humble ourselves so God will lift us up.

Huh?

So then I looked at a commentary (here). The commentary says that James is clear about sinful practices and motives "not to leave us in deeper despair over it, but that we may humble ourselves before the Lord and find grace for change". But the commentary does not speak directly to verse 8.

I have to go take a shower, but I trust that this will be resolved. Secretly, though, it's a little scary. Ever been pursued by a guy? It's unnerving! It's hard to know what's happening next.

More later.

Unending love

It hit me in church this morning - God doesn't change. He had no beginning, he has no end. His love never wavers. His faithfulness never fails.

Despite leaving high school, leaving my home of 7 and a half years, leaving my hometown... God doesn't change. And he's still here. And his sacrifice doesn't loose it's significance because I'm not in my comfortable little bubble. In fact, it will probably gain more significance in my eyes.

Attending the Brooklyn Tabernacle in New York last week on my senior trip really opened my eyes to the fact that every true Christian serves the same God.

The Maker of Adam, the Lord of Abraham, the King of David, on into the Savior of New Yorkers, the Redeemer of Mexicans, the Helper of Middle Easterners... This is my God. This is our God. Christianity surpasses every race and geographical boundary.

God's love is unending and unchanging, no matter where, what, or who I am.