Relapse (Or, Grace Upon Grace)

It always happens the same way. Stress tends to build up like a slow but severe snow storm and, before I know it, I’m snowed in. Or, rather, “stressed”-in. I have lost the simplistic joy I once felt. I have mistaken jokes for criticisms and companionship for annoyance. I have done what I do best in tumult – hide. I take introversion too far. I snap at people. I neglect the needs and desires of those around me. I cannot see above the obligations, the homework, the work hours, the confusion. I cannot see God. I slip into the sin that so easily entangles and I cannot find my way out. The tension within stretches and snaps my frail defenses.

But God (the two greatest words in my opinion), in his infinite wisdom, draws me back to himself like an adoring father forgiving his daughter, like a patient lover restoring his bride. I don’t know why he wants me again. After letting the things of this world almost crowd him out of my vision, I do not understand why he would fight to be my vision and fight to win back my heart.

But he is. He is fighting for me. Early last week, I flipped my Bible open to 2 Chronicles 20, when God tells the people that they need only to “stand firm” while he fights on their behalf. God’s got this. He knows what he’s doing.

I could have sworn that the gorgeous, warm day we had this past Sunday was created just for me. Warm weather is a blessing to the soul, and I welcomed it wholeheartedly by letting two friends convince me to hammock with them. I read Edith Wharton while lying in a friend’s hammock and experiencing a strange sense of peace. It was as if I had vitamin D deficiency and the sunshine was recharging a battery of sorts. A physical battery and an emotional battery.

We read from Job on Sunday morning and I was reminded of Job’s blatant finite-ness compared with the amazingly infinite God he served.

Then Job replied to the Lord: “I know that You can do anything, and no one can stop You. You asked, ‘Who is this that questions My wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I--and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me… I had only heard about You before, but now I have seen You with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

(Job 42:1-3,5-6)

It is in the place of brokenness, when have not spent with time with God earlier, when we are falling into sin and fear, that we often call out to God to save us. I wonder if God gets upset with us. If you had just stayed with me earlier, you wouldn't be in this mess, I imagine him saying sometimes. Yet that doesn't sound like God. God doesn't bring up all the bad things Job must have done to be deserving this pain, but he does ask Job who he thinks he is. Job answers by saying, “I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head” (Job 42:5, MSG). God demonstrates his omnipotence and omniscience in this situation and he proves Job's (and man's as a whole) nothingness.

Yet I don't think that God was necessary angry in the last couple chapters of Job. I think he was acting like a powerful father in a kind of protective rage. In a sense, he wants to prove man's nothingness so man will return to him with all he is. God isn't sitting up on some cloud berating me for the combination of circumstances and mistakes that led to this stressful situation. God isn't criticizing me for not running to Him at first sight of what I could not handle.

He’s standing here with his arms open. He is asking me to come back.

This world is not our home and it will not treat us kindly or fairly, but take heart, because He has overcome the world.

John 1, while describing Jesus's incarnation, pauses for a minute to discuss Christ in relation to the law. Basically, where the law could not provide peace or salvation for us, Christ does. God's unfailing love came from Christ, not from the law we couldn't keep. John 1:16 says, "From [Christ's] abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another."

The English Standard Version comes close to what I've read that the original Greek means. It translates "one gracious blessing after another" as "grace upon grace." The Amplified Bible translates it as "gift heaped upon gift." My friends, even in our times of relapse, brokenness, shame, pain, or confusion... Because Christ came and died for us, we have grace heaped upon grace freely available.

He is a God who welcomes us back.

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This post was contributed to Only a Breath's Monthly link-up party for OneWord365 bloggers on March 14th, 2013. 

He Keeps Track of Sorrows... and Gives JOY

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Even Christians are not happy all the time. First of all, that's just weird. Second, we are called to live honest and real lives versus fake lifestyles, even if they're not very happy. Recently, things have just been getting me down. Things like a confusing conversation at work, an apparently peaceful confrontation, an untimely invitation, or an inside joke that doesn't include me.

Now, the reality is that things change. Each new August, roommates get switched, dorms and terraces and floors and halls house new people, and relationships like suitemates and across-the-hall-mates and wallmates change. Relationships deepen and wane. Hearts are broken and mended. Family situations, life experiences, and goals for the future become more distinct and defined. Obviously, it's no one's fault that things change. In fact, it's great! Seeing a good guy friend develop some amazing strength and self-control I never though he would have is really inspiring. Watching as good friends ask questions about their futures, questions like "Am I in the right major?" or "What does God want me to do when I graduate? Or this summer?" is awesome. We are becoming the people we are going to be. And that is amazing. That is God working. Four years from now, we are going to be doing totally different things. We are going to pursuing the active futures God has for us. College is like a crock pot - you've got so many different obligations, responsibilities, experiences, choices, and opportunities in these few short 4 or 5 years, but out of that comes an awesome dinner... er, person. You get the gist.

The point I'm making is that despite my knowledge that change is okay, even good, it still makes me feel weird. Knowing that continuing relationships with the people I loved dearly last year (and still do) is going to be difficult doesn't make it easier to reconnect and love on them. Knowing that I have a new boss and a new RD are going to shake things up does not calm my nerves when things are randomly shaken. Knowing that the new friendships I'm forming deserve energy and time does not make more energy in my body and time in my day. Knowing that I am surrounded by people (and an amazing God) who love me usually does not make me feel more loved.

See, feelings are very tricky things. We should pay attention to them and listen to how we feel emotionally, because it may tie in to how our bodies are feeling physically, or even how we are subconsciously dealing with stress or pain. We should allow ourselves to feel emotions instead of stuffing them.

But feelings are not always reliable. For example, we can feel that God is far away or that people do not care about us or that we are being left out - but that doesn't make it true. Something to remember is that God is always true regardless of how we feel about him. Scripture is always reliable even when we don't "get it" emotionally.

Despite feeling down recently, I don't have to take that as God leaving me or ignoring me. God is always faithful! He doesn't leave, even if I'm not feeling him. And the cool thing is that he understands our pain and hurt and cares about it. Psalm 56:8 says,

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

Finally, know that while Christians are not called to happiness, we are called to joy. And since joy is not dependent on circumstances, we can be joyful even when we feel like crap. Joy is a fruit of the spirit, which means that we cannot control or create it in our lives. It has to be done by the Holy Spirit.

I'm going to ask you to do what I have to do: to ask God for joy. To stop letting little things get in the way of the big picture. To reevaluate and change some things. For me, this means holding fast to God and appreciating the people he's given me without becoming overly dependent on them. This means accepting that things are going to happen and life is going to change and knowing that God is still the same. This means understanding God's reliability and consistency and learning to bask in that. Ask and seek for joy today.

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

- Psalm 28:7

Welcome Home

Nothing is more calming than a breezy summer evening and nothing de-stresses me more than a car ride. So, of course, the Sunday night of finals week, I'm taking the first opportunity to get off campus. I rolled down my windows, turned up the Christian radio, and drove to my favorite gas station down the only major street of the little town I go to college in. Dusk was settling in, lights were flickering on, the air smelled like summer was coming, and the breeze was so warm and inviting.

And you know what? I realized I was at home.

It was a traditional late spring / summer thing for me when I lived at my old house to drive out to the gas station or CVS for gas, milk, or something random in the evenings. It was a year or more ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. It was like taking a chill pill or something, just to get away. I was finding my first breath of independence from my mom and brother. I remember the different routes I would take when I wanted something new. I remember getting lost that one time. I remember thinking this old guy was following me. I remember turning the radio up so loud I thought the neighbors could hear me.

And that made my old house home. I lived there for almost ten years, and it was home. The house I actually grew up in. I walked in that door a scrawny little 4th grader and walked out a confident eighteen year old. There's a little piece of me that would give seriously anything to have that back.

But now I'm a nineteen year old college student. I've got plans and goals and dreams that are suddenly both bigger and smaller than the dreams of my high school days. My hopes are so much more tangible and so much more realized, but also so much deeper now. It's a little frightening, but also a lot of fun.

Along with coming to college is the sudden realization that I've got to adjust to a new home. I don't know if you've kept up with me, but I moved from my old home of ten years to my new home this past June. However, since I've been here at college, I've only been at my new house for three or four months out of the year that my family has lived there. So, college is my home away from home.

It's taken this long, my whole Freshman year, to finally feel completely at home here. Finding a church home helped, growing a group of friends helped, diving into a student ministry helped, eating out and supporting the community helped, but I didn't feel at home until I drove down Big A Road with my windows rolled down and my radio turned up loud.

For me, it's the little things that make me feel at home and at peace. It's finding a little alcove in the rocks surrounding the waterfall on my campus. It's the look in my pastor's daughter's face when I carry her on my shoulders. It's staying up late talking with my roommate, suitemates, and future roommate. It's driving into town by myself on a Sunday evening to get gas.

Yes, I'm home. The bad news is that I leave to go back home on Tuesday. :) Oh well, there's always next semester! And I will be using this summer to spend more time at my new house and in our new city. And, of course, with my family.

Enjoying God

Well, after that passionate post yesterday about taking action and following God and obeying his every command, I find an interesting status update on Facebook from a friend which really spoke to me. Here I am, all excited about doing God’s will for the purpose of obedience and I read this status, which says,“The key to serving God is to enjoy God. If you don’t enjoy God, you’re not ready to serve him. For God doesn’t want your help, he wants your heart.” (from my friend Evan).

God doesn't want my help.

This makes me think of something I dived into a bit earlier on this blog. And that is the concept of being still. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still, and know that I am God...". Exodus 14:14, Moses speaking to the depressed and complaining Isralites, states: "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

In the NASB, Psalm 46:10 reads, "Cease striving and know that I am God...". Why would knowing God is God stop us from striving? Psalm 100:3 says, "Know that the LORD Himself is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture." When we get it into our minds that God is in control, that He is the Almighty Lord of all, the King of everything, the great, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient Creator God... when we even try to wrap our minds around it... It gives us a bit of peace. It does for me at least. One of the main causes of stress, of striving, is the false thought that maybe God can't handle it, that maybe he doesn't know what he's doing. I mean, honestly, God creates the whole world from nothing, then I come along and get all upset that he's messing up my life. Looking at myself from that perspective, I can be really ridiculous sometimes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're focused on anything but God, you're going to mess up. We can do a lot of good things in life, even people who don't believe in God can do nice things for other people. But true good, true satisfaction, true purpose and meaning, only come from God. Your life should be like a flowchart. Out of God's love he saved us. And because of that salvation and that love, we then give God everything we have, and by means of that, we love other people - the "whatever you do to the least of these" philosophy (Matt 25:40). Don't do seemingly "good" things to get something from God. Do them because of what God has already given you.

And, by the way, when we are satisified, we will stop striving. John Piper said, "God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him." Along with the idea that God knows what he's doing in our lives is the realization that God is all we need. Nothing else can satisfy.

Ask God to show you what it looks like to find him the center of your life. Ask God to give you the desire and the power to focus on Him and to love him and to enjoy him for who he is and what he has done.

I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

- Psalm 13:6

What More Do I Want?

Sometimes I get so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I get so exhausted with striving and striving. Living the Christian life is exhausting and often burnout comes quickly, even if we have pure motives and are maintaining a consistent devotional time.

It's at the point of giving up with exhaustion when we ask God for a sign. We ask him to show or give us something that will keep us going. We beg him to make things happen in our lives, to fix our situations, to give us additional reassurance.

And then we sit down with our eyes closed and our ears plugged and we ignore God's thunderstorm outside.

Listen, God is working whether we see it or not! When we attribute a certain circumstance to chance or coincidence, God is working. When something just goes completely perfect, God is working. Things just don't happen. God is working them out. Also, God knows what we need. Even before we ourselves know it. He's just that awesome.

Some practical examples:

I was upset over a rift in a relationship, and God caused the other person to say something at just the right time to smooth things over.

I was worried about who I was going to room with next year, and a friend asked me if I would be willing to room with her - which was a total God thing.

I was focused so much on myself and what I do and what I need and a friend blessed me with words of encouragement, thanking me for something God had used me to do for other people.
I was beyond stressed over a paper that was due on Tuesday when I got an e-mail saying the due date had been extended to Thursday - so a couple more days to finish this long paper! Before I got the e-mail, my great-uncle reminded me he was praying for me and all the work I had due, and it really encouraged me to keep going.

There are a multitude of further examples. The point is that God is truly working. He is not silent; he is not absent. So while it's normal to want a sign from God, we don't need one. Every sunrise, every breath, every baby born, every moment is a sign that God is active in our world today, a sign that he really does care. We don't see God in actuality. And we typically don't audibly hear his voice. But he is here, active and present.

1 Peter 1:8 says, "Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy."

I Can't Do This

After the first couple days of classes, syllabus shock set in. I was terrified to even open my syllabus, afraid that some big monster would jump out and drag me into a mismatched calendar or a dayplanner with missing pages. But then I realized it was okay. I can write chapter summaries on the book of Mark in two weeks. I can make a Portfolio Outline for Teacher Ed, and it really wasn't that difficult.

And then last night, it hit me again. I said, I can't do this. I can't finish chapter summaries and go to my study group and be prepared for this test and practice piano and everything else on my calendar and actually stay sane.

And you know what God said? He said, "No, you can't... alone. But I'm your God. And you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you."

Talk about a wake-up call! See, my parents are not going to come down to my college and rescue me if I fail. I'm on my own. But this is just another reason to rely fully on God.

I'm reading the book of Psalms, and today I'm on chapter 40. It's a beautiful story of needing God, and below I have verses 1-3, 5, 12-13, 17, but I encourage you to read the entire chapter.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing,a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.
For troubles surround me— too many to count! My sins pile up so high I can’t see my way out. They outnumber the hairs on my head. I have lost all courage. Please, Lord, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
As for me, since I am poor and needy, let the Lord keep me in his thoughts. You are my helper and my savior. O my God, do not delay.

Temple Tuesday

A few years ago, I started to read the book of Psalm, a chapter a day. I started with good intentions, but my plan fell through because I didn't feel like I could relate to the Psalms. David and the other authors of the Psalms wrote about lions, enemies on the hunt for them, wars, political strife, personal crises, and more. Personally, I wasn't being pursued by vicious enemies who wanted to torture and kill me.

Towards the end of this summer, however, I started reading Psalm again. And this time there was a huge difference. As I entered college, I began to identify these enemies David struggled with in my own life. Things like stress, worry, fear, and the feeling that surviving my challenges are impossible... Those are my "enemies". Those are the "people" who I feel are chasing me, hunting me, enveloping me.

For example, on my first day of classes, I was overwhelmed, God gave me the sixteenth chapter of Psalm. It was next in my regular reading schedule, but it really, really spoke to me. I was worried, and I was afraid, and David wrote the words I needed to make it through the day. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak these words to your heart.

Keep me safe, O God,
for I have come to you for refuge.
I said to the Lord, “You are my Master!
Every good thing I have comes from you.”
The godly people in the land
are my true heroes!
I take pleasure in them!
Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.
I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood
or even speak the names of their gods.

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.
You guard all that is mine.
The land you have given me is a pleasant land.
What a wonderful inheritance!
I will bless the Lord who guides me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I know the Lord is always with me.
I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
My body rests in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead
or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
You will show me the way of life,
granting me the joy of your presence
and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Psalm 16:1-11