Take It or Leave It

The English idiom "take it or leave it" has two distinct meanings. It can mean that the other person must take your offer and you will not compromise (think of making an offer at a pawn shop or auction). It can also mean that the item is not important or wanted enough to be overly concerned about ("Sushi's not my favorite, but I'll eat it... I could take it or leave it").

God's been asking me to take it or leave it recently. For example, there was a circumstance with a situation I wanted to remedy, a person I wanted to hold on to, and God said, "Hey, if I asked you to, could you totally let this go? Could you take it or leave it?" I realized I had to leave it behind. It just wasn't worth it.

But I want to focus on taking or leaving something else that has been bothering me for a while now. Being in a two-parent household for the first time in ten years, where my stepdad works two jobs just because he wants to, we are better off financially more than we were in the past. It's difficult to watch (and I often feel uncomfortable over) the amount of money my family spends - even though comparatively, it's not outrageous. Having experienced ten years with no internet or cable at home and PB&J instead of Filet Mignon, I feel weird when we drop a nice amount at a Japanese steakhouse, for example. In addition, spending eight or so months in a culture where 86 cent Ramen noodles are regular fare, gas money is hard to come by, and half of my peers have first-hand accounts of starving children in Africa, has shaped me.

Speaking of college, during this past year, I hesitated to speak about money. The times I did, I received some weird looks or a snide comment. I always offered to drive friends, and I bought what I needed (and even some of what I wanted) on regular Walmart trips. And many times it made me uncomfortable. I give to church and to missions, but why do I have more than other people? (Maybe so I can give, and give freely, to church and missions and friends? Hm.)

Through all this, I've wrestled with the desire to minister to those who appear well-off. I'm unsure if this desire is from God (a "missionary to the mansions" kind of thing) or from me (cushy lifestyle instead of just scraping by). Years ago, I was struggling with this same thing as I babysat for both a wealthy family and a 'penny-pinching' family. I still remember a certain moment one night; I was sitting on my bedroom floor with a journal and I was just pouring all of this out to God. Eventually, I told him: "I will follow you to the mansion by the golf course country club or to the dirt-floor shack in the middle of India."

How true that is becoming! With a degree in English Education, which I plan to receive in 3 years, I could teach AP English Literature at an elite college-prep school in the Buckhead area of Atlanta. Or I could teach remedial reading at a Title I school in the low income county of Hancock. Or I could teach ESL at a school in China or Mexico. Or teach Chaucer and Bunyan at a middle-income Christian school in Greenville. Or teach sponsor-supported missionary kids at an International School in Spain. You get the picture.

God is asking me, "Alex, if I place you in a location, in a situation where money is prevalent, you must be willing to take it or leave it for me. You must love the people and not the stuff. And you must be willing to take me and leave everything else behind at a moment's notice." And you know what? This applies even today, too. There are so many things in life clamoring for my attention, my energy, my time, my faith, and my desire that God is often pushed aside from the forefront of my life. This should definitely not be so. I finished reading an allegorical book recently where the main character built an altar every time she began putting what she wanted (healing, human love, to go her own way, etc) above what God wanted for her. This is the way I should view my life. If I could drop it all for Christ - if I could take it or leave it - I'm on the right track. Matthew 19:29-30 says,

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

This does not mean we should disown our family to go live in the jungle in the middle of nowhere. But it does mean that God always comes first. I've heard countless stories of teenagers and young adults who wanted to pursue something God laid on their hearts, despite the words of naysayers like their parents. I think it all boils down to obedience. Am I willing to obey God no matter the cost?

See, Abraham did. And Ruth. Mary. Joseph. Jonah. Esther. They gave up their homes, possessions, reputations, safety, even their lives. So why do I find it so hard to give God even a full day of my time?

Finally, for months about a year ago before I left for college, I struggled with the idea of being satisfied in God. How can I be completely satisfied in God and not want or need anything else? Is God really all I need? Yeah, those kind of thoughts. But since last year, and even while writing this, it seems to me that God is revealing just how amazing he really is. Life with God does not even compare to anything else I could possibly want. Everything just looks bleak without God.

When I want God more than I want financial security or a relationship or a squeaky-clean reputation or perfect grades, I honestly can choose God over everything else and be perfectly okay with it. Yeah, it's going to hurt when I start to compare myself with others who have those things, but God is so much better. God's way is better, God's gifts are better, and God's peace is better. And you know what, God gives us the desires of our heart. I like to translate that verse (Psalm 37:4) as God giving us what we will desire (putting the desire in our hearts). Because God has a crazy way of giving us what we do want, be careful what you wish for! But anyway, God's not going to leave you high and dry unless he is actually bringing what you desire to you or he is asking you to sacrifice it on the altar to him. Either way, God's way is better. He is in the restoring business, the redeeming business. And he knows how to give good gifts to his children (Luke 11:13). Don't doubt that God knows what he's doing - even if it doesn't look like he is working for your good. Just be willing to obey whatever he asks of you.

Take it from a recent Tweet of mine:

God: "You are always right where I want you. Instead of complaining about circumstances, watch me do something bigger than you."

Doing It Alone (Part Two)

Yesterday, after finishing up a very long post about how I was never meant to go at life alone, I got a crazy idea to make breakfast for dinner for my little brother and me. I fried bacon (which could have been a little more crispy), made cheese grits, toast, and cereal. I was starting to get a little prideful, when all of a sudden a crack of thunder shook the house and knocked the power out. The rain outside the kitchen window was blinding. And I was home alone with a thirteen year old boy who was afraid of the dark.

Thanks, God.

Again, reminding me that I can't do it alone, my older stepbrother and his friend came home from the Fire department (where my stepbrother is a regular volunteer). Together, we found candles and lit them. My stepbrother got the oil lantern from our parents' room, lit it, and proceeded to give me instructions on how to use it (which was definitely humorous, considering he didn't know how to use it either). He made sure the kitchen, living room, and bathroom were adequately lit and asked if we needed anything. It was all very nonchalant and simple, but I appreciated it. They even taught my little brother some wrestling moves, just for fun. (I was just afraid they were going to knock down a candle and set the house on fire.) They stayed for a while before leaving again.

I can't do it alone. I would be lying if I said my stepbrother coming home to check on us and the house didn't make me feel any safer. And I felt even better when my mom came home about twenty-minutes later. It's weird to say, but I wasn't completely satisfied until my stepdad came home just a few minutes later. The funny thing is, right after he got home and found a flashlight, the power came back on.

There's something to be said for trusting other people. I've been rereading the Eldridge's book Captivating recently and it hits me hard every time I pick it up. This morning, I read about the two ways women try to deal with their wounds: becoming either dominating or desolate. The dominating woman hides behind everything she has to do. She becomes busy. She seems successful - she could be a CEO or chairman of the PTA or president of Key Club (sound familiar?). But inside, she's hurting. She's hiding. The desolate woman throws herself at men. She doesn't have a handle on who she is and often falls into abusive situations. She doesn't go for it; she doesn't go for anything. Inside, she's hurting, too. This is what women are told: "Hide your vulnerability. Hide your heart. You aren't safe."

We women are told that we aren't enough, and that we're too much, at the same time. And because of that, we tend to fall into two categories. Dominating or desolate. I see a little of myself in both. I get and stay busy. Last semester, I was stressed on multiple occasions (okay, pretty much every week). And that's the way I lived: one week at a time. Where was my time for rest? Where was my time to have fun with friends? To stay late and pray with someone? To open my heart to what God wanted to say? No, I had to be busy. I had to move from one thing to the next. I couldn't open my heart. I didn't have time.

Why?

For many reasons. One of which is that I think I can't trust people. It's easy to stay busy. To glance at a watch when things get too emotional or vulnerable and say, "I hate it, but I have to run." It's hard to trust. It's easy to run on a time schedule.

Being a woman is not being weak. It's being vulnerable. It's being humble. It's being gracefully strong. It's being gentle. It's being true. It's being adventurous. Somewhere along the line, I missed this. I decided to be busy. There's nothing alluring and inviting in a constantly busy and lonely woman. I use the word lonely because when you're constantly running, you're not relaxing in the company of friends.

Proverbs 11:16 says, "A woman of gentle grace gets respect..."

And I urge you to live in that place of gentle grace. It's beautiful. I'm learning to be real with people. It's taken 8 or 9 months to see that the people who really love me won't leave when I'm real with them. To confide in a friend pain I'm feeling, pain that is honest and raw and deep and messy, and for them to stay beside me and walk with me through it... That's the blessing that comes from being real with people. I'm learning how to do that. How to trust people. It's so hard! But it's so worth it. We were not meant to do this alone. We think we can. We think that since we were messed up and broken and lied to when we were little, people cannot be trusted anymore. So we put up walls. And one of my walls is busyness.

Sisters and brothers, I urge you. Go to God first. When your heart aches, go to Him before anything and anyone else. Give Him your ache. Let Him take it. Lay it at his feet and let Him pick you up and hold you in His arms.

And when He's held for you for longer than you think you need to be held, watch for the people He's placing in your life who will walk with you step-by-step through the healing. Yeah, healing takes time. Usually it's messier than anything you've seen before. But don't forget this one thing...

You were never meant to do this alone.

All We Need Is You

There are two specific times in our lives when we come face-to-face with the realization that Christ is literally we need: First, when we have absolutely nothing monetarily or physically or even emotionally, and we have to rely completely on God for life and sustainment. And second, when we have everything we want and then some, and we finally understand that none of it matters and none of it fulfills and we realize the only way we can be truly sustained (and yet also truly alive) is through God.

I feel like I have experienced tiny glimpses of both in my life. In regards to the first one: following my parents' divorce when I was eight, my mom, 3-year-old brother, and I moved into my mom's parents' house for six months. It was five people sharing one shower. My mom saved up to buy a little house about an hour away from my grandparents. I never knew it at the time, but those first few years in our new house on our own were the most difficult for my mom, financially and emotionally. She was in desperate need of God, and through that I now see how God provided for us.

Secondly, my mom married my stepdad in June, and since then, we've lived in his house, about 30 minutes away from our old house. Not only has this marriage provided more financially for my family (in the way of two incomes), but it has also helped to expand my horizons and cause me to grow (I've stepped out of a teeny-tiny comfort zone, my mom is now more stable to support me in my endeavors in college, and my step-dad is also pushing me to be better while encouraging who I am). Thus, I have more stuff (my physical needs and wants are met) and I have more strength emotionally (I am supported by a network of caring people).

And after all this is said and done, here I sit, on this Christmas Eve, knowing I'm in the second category. This post from a little over a month ago relates the same idea: I have a lot of stuff. Good stuff, don't get me wrong, not only possessions, but also things like a great college I'm attending, friends I admire and look up to, a family I wouldn't trade for anything, experiences that have taught me so much, service and leadership opportunities... But it's a lot of stuff. There's nothing I'm just dying to have right now. Except one thing - God.

It's so easy to say "Well, if I only had this! If I only had that!", especially at this time of year. But I've got to the point where no physical thing is necessary any longer. God is calling out. And he's saying: "You don't need me and ____ or me and ____. You just need me. Nothing else will satisfy. I am all you need. I am your God and you will find everything you desire, everything you want, everything you need in me. So drink deep."

Ask God to show you what it looks like for him to be all you need. Ask him to show you what it means to be fully dependent on him. But be careful: I went into that prayer thinking God would take my earthly joys, like possessions or status, away, so that I could learn to trust him when I had nothing. Instead, God gave me earthly joys and asked me to prove that I didn't need them. Either way, and often, echo the words of Charlie Hall, "Cause we have all we need in You. All we need is You, all we need is you."

"The essence of faith is being satisfied with all that God is for us in Jesus."

- John Piper

"I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you."

- Psalm 63:2-5

I hate change.

I hate change. There, I said it. If you want to know what I hate: I hate change. Hate it with a passion. After celebrating (and dealing with) graduation, mom's remarriage, moving, and adapting to a stepdad and stepfamily, I thought, with some humor, Oh, God's trying to teach me about change. This is cool. I can adapt to change. Everything is going fine.

But I guess I spoke too soon. God isn't about coasting through life or simply taking what you're given and merging into your present life. God is about change.

See, if I became a Christian and then spoke the same way, watched the same movies, listened to the same music, befriended the same people, and thought about life the same way as I did before Christ (or as non-Christians do), then has Christ made a difference in my life? Or am I simply the same as I was before I met Christ?

As Christians, we've got to be different. We must be different, so we reflect Christ instead of this world. We do this through our choices in media as well as our actions, words, and thoughts. And while we are choosing cleaner, Godlier choices in media and words, God is in the process of refining our thoughts and viewpoints and feelings. This whole, entire movement or shift in our lives is a big change! It's a change towards Godliness, an adjustment in the direction of Christ along the straight and narrow path. In theology, we call it Sanctification.

Isaiah 48:10 explains this by saying: "See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction." Whatever survives the 'furnace' is good and Godly, but it's a life-long process.

Okay, so back to the change in my life. I hate it. But God has a purpose for it. God's plan is that through the things I hate (like change), I will be refined. I will become more like Christ, and my life will conform to God instead of to this world.

Josh Wilson writes and sings about those uncomfortable, even painful moments in life that have a purpose like this:

Do you wonder why you have to
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Spring

Spring is just around the corner. I mean, DST is literally tonight! But also, today was the first day this season I wore capri pants. I love those things. Not only were my pants still in the washer and dryer, but it was a bit warm outside.

I went to a Kiwanis Pancake Breakfast with my very wonderful Key Club members and I made pancakes with them. Then I went with my mom to Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond to make bridal registries for her.

It kind of hit me there, walking behind her with a scanner. "Do we need this? Do we need that?" It was almost as if I didn't need to be there - like she was 23 again, looking for stuff for her first wedding. I mean, she was obviously looking for her second marriage and she told the salespeople that. I don't know, it just felt weird.

But I am glad that she asked me to come along. I'm a part of this. It's not just two people coming together. It's the blending of two families.

In other news, birthday dinner with my friends is tonight! I'm so excited. I love these people. Happy Birthday to me!