Crumpled Pieces of Red Paper

Of the many things working at camp has taught me, the fact that I am growing up too fast is consistently evident. Case in point: One of the songs played at camp dances is N*Sync's "Bye, Bye, Bye." Do you know when that song was released? Thirteen years ago. How is that even possible?!? That was my jam back in the day - how is it over a decade old?

As I pondered this, I was reminded that there are only six short months until I embark for Thailand and then, 3-4 months later, I will be college graduate. And it's pretty terrifying but exciting and adventurous and all that. What a great God, to have brought me thus far and to keep leading me onward. I am blessed.

With all that is happening in my personal/interpersonal life with this whole growing up thing, God spoke to me today about the growth that has happened in the area of my spirituality. 

After exchanging Secret Santa gifts (today is Christmas in July at camp), we had a Pajama breakfast before heading to the gym for camp church. All the counselors are a part of Counselor Choir, so we gathered on the stage in our new navy Christmas in July shirts and sang Christmas and worship songs with Mrs. Amy, who leads church each week. (She is also our camp mom for this session.) 

Then Mrs. Amy led a discussion on Jesus as our peace and pulled from several verses to illustrate this concept. Our key verse was John 14:27, which says, "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid." 

She then passed out pieces of red paper that counselors had torn up earlier and had both campers and staff write something that was keeping us from peace. We would then crumple our papers and pray for peace, bringing those things before God, before bringing our papers to the cross at the front of the gym. Head counselors taped the pieces of the paper to a large wooden cross in the front. Mrs. Amy and one of the older campers were singing "Lord, I Need You" acoustically.

I wrote the thing that I feel has been holding me back this summer on my slip and followed a group of campers up the cross. When I got up there, I waited for a group of campers to get their papers taped to the cross, and I looked up to see a little slip of paper that read simply: "not being perfect enough."

You guys, I broke right there. I handed my piece of paper to the head counselor and started to weep. That was me. That girl who wrote that she wasn't perfect enough, whoever she is, was me a few months ago. Just a few months ago. And I still wrestle with that little girl inside me who just can't do anything right, who is broken and hurting and falls down over and over and over again.

I wept for that young woman who thinks that God doesn't love her because she isn't perfect enough. I wept because I don't know who she is and I don't know how to help her. And I wept for myself. For the pain and the struggle and the fighting that it took for God's grace to finally break through my clouded vision. Even at this point in my spiritual growth, with a much healthier relationship with God's grace and a much better perception of how he relates to me, I still don't understand. There is so much about forgiveness and grace that I don't understand. SO much.

But I know one thing: I'm not who I was. I'm not the same person, the same doubting and shame-stricken girl. I am blessed. When I related the story of a broken friendship to a co-counselor just this week, I was able to present the story as grace-filled and, ultimately, God-honoring. Because it is. When I realized that I was not in the same place I was before, that I have overcome, I was able to praise God for what he has done. He is not finished with me, but he has done so much in me already! Hallelujah!

Could I beseech you as my brothers and sisters in Christ to pray for mentors in my life? I am blessed to be here at camp, but sometimes I find it difficult to discover the presence of strong Christian mentors and build deep Christian friendships. Pray for unity and openness among the staff. I am honored and humbled to be able to share this with you tonight.

With love.

Peace on the Rock

A steady rain falls outside the floor length window I'm sitting beside. The floors are old wood, the ceilings are a fancy wood and plaster design. There is modern art hanging on the alternating red and white walls. The door handles and fixtures are antique in metal and design. Mini light bulbs are strung up like a classy carnival and big band music is filtering through the air. The display case is full of homemade goodies and I'm sipping a frozen chai latte. And if I didn't keep hearing "y'all," I would think that I was in the downtown eclectic area of a big city.

Instead, I'm chilling in small town Alabama on my day off. Haha.

Orientation and our first week of camp are over. On Sunday, we get new campers for two weeks. If I have learned anything from the past two weeks, it has been that being a camp counselor is hard. This past week, we had mostly thirteen year olds with some 12 and 14 year olds sprinkled in. Some of them were excellent, well-behaved, and considerate young women. Some had the energy of little children mixed with the behavior of older teenagers. It was definitely a learning experience. I learned to be both tough and gentle with them.

I also learned that thirteen year olds can really shake your peace. When the usual three tables are combined into two because two of your co-counselors have a night off on the same night that Oreo Yum Yum is served for dessert, there is no peace to be found. Nowhere. 

Except in God. Just the day before Oreo-Yum-Yum-for-dessert night, my devotional directed me to a verse that really stuck out. It has come in handy throughout the week and I have learned to meditate on it. It goes like this: 

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the LORD always, for the LORD GOD is the eternal Rock." - Isaiah 26:3-4, NLT

We serve a beautiful God, you guys. He is the Rock. At a place like the mountains of Northeast Alabama, that imagery is so significant. He will provide peace of mind and heart like the mountains here that are immovable and unchangeable. 

His peace is unchangeable. Even when 19+ thirteen year old girls are screaming at the top of their lungs and singing Justin Beiber like there is no tomorrow, his peace is unshakable. And the cool thing is that he loves those thirteen year old girls as his own precious children. What a blessing to rest in his love for these girls and for me.

Until next time.

Rebelling Against Grace

I've been cynical and rebellious towards God's grace for a long time now. I chose grace as my OneWord for 2013 because I was really hoping that I would be able to get a handle on the crazy notion that God would give me what I don't deserve. And I kinda feel like I haven't learned anything.

For several months, I've been asking what God's response is when we sin. Why would he treat me with grace when I deserve nothing less than punishment and Hell?  No one has a really solid answer. Yes, Christ died for me and took my punishment, but I can't stand the feeling of not being held accountable. It feels wrong, and I don't know how to handle it. I caught myself asking "Is grace really all there is?" It doesn't feel like enough has been done. Do I just not understand what Christ really did?

I've included here two songs I love that have guided and continue to guide my thoughts on grace. I've included links and lyrics for them. I pray that even when I don't understand what God is doing; even when I wonder, yet again, why he loves me; even when I cannot seem to grasp this concept of his love for me, that I would be able to find rest in his provision and hope.

The Scandal of Grace - Hillsong

Grace, what have You done?
Murdered for me on that cross
Accused in absence of wrong
My sin washed away in Your blood

Too much to make sense of it all
I know that Your love breaks my fall
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live

Chorus:
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart

Death, where is your sting?
Your power is as dead as my sin
The cross has taught me to live
And mercy, my heart now to sing

The day and its trouble shall come
I know that Your strength is enough
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live

Chorus

Beautiful, Scandalous Night - Smalltown Poets
Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified
Follow Christ to the holy mountain
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
Cleanse your heart and your soul
In the fountain that flows
For you and for me and for all

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

On the hillside, you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that pours
From our blessed Savior's side

A Good Gift

This is a story of a father who knew how to give good gifts to his children...

One day a father gave his two children a present. He was a good man and a really mindful and caring dad, and he gave his children everything they needed. This gift was really special, over and beyond simply meeting a need. He carefully designed the gift himself, crafted it with both of his children in mind, and even got custom gift wrapping. When it was just the right time, the perfect occasion, the father gave the gift to his children, and they both appreciated the gift. He gave them specific guidelines for using the gift, but they found no problem with keeping to the guidelines.

Sometime later, no one knows exactly how long, the children disobeyed their father. They had been coerced into doing something that he specifically told them not to do. Even though they felt like they had been tricked, they willingly and individually chose to disobey their dad.

The children were ashamed and felt guilty, and they hid from their dad. When he came home and couldn't find them, he realized what had happened. It broke the father's heart, but he had to send his children away for a time. They had broken his trust and they needed to experience his discipline.

So the father helped his children pack their things, although it wasn’t much. Before they left, he wept with them. He told them that their choice to disobey him had disrupted not only both of their relationships with him, but also their relationships with each other. He assured them that he still loved them, but that this would be best for them. Then he reminded them to take with them the gift he had given them earlier. Their father explained that it would be more difficult to enjoy it now that their relationships were marred, but that it was still good. He sent it with them as a reminder of the perfect relationships they once had with him and with each other, as well as a reminder of the plans he had for them. These plans, he explained, were that one day they could both have perfect relationships again. “One day,” he told them, “We will be together face to face again, but until then, you might not be able to speak directly with me. It may feel like looking into a cloudy mirror, but I will write letters when I can, and I will send you messages.”

So his children left home, got jobs, and moved to different areas. They each had their own children and, eventually, grandchildren. When their children were old enough and mature enough, they passed the gift on to their children, and their children passed it on to their children. As the years went on, some parents did not instruct their children in the correct way to use the gift. Even when parents gave instructions, some children rebelled against these guidelines. The gift became misused and mistreated. Some people used the gift against others, perverting the purpose of the gift.

As a result of this treatment of the gift, many people experienced the shame and guilt that the first two children felt. Most of this guilt and shame forced the people into hiding, just as the first two children hid from their father. Because of this, the marred relationships the father spoke about grew even more disfigured. Yet some people who were broken by their guilt and shame realized that they did not want to or have to stay in that mistreatment of the gift. These people told each other of their guilt. They shared with each other that they didn't want to keep hiding.

By this time, the first father was a wizened old man, and many people would come to see him. He regretted that his children had disobeyed him and that the gift had been perverted over the years, but he knew that through this, many people would come to know him as their adopted father. While the time had not yet come for the children, both the first two children and the adopted children, to be reconciled completely to their father, he was ready to provide them with hope and healing despite their shame. When people sought out the father and asked him for hope and healing, he forgave them for misusing his gift and then gave them a renewed desire and strength to pursue the gift in its pure form. The people weren't perfect, but they tried, and the father met all their needs. And when the people messed up? The father continued to show them grace upon grace.

---

In light of recent interpersonal and community-wide discussions on sexual brokenness, I was challenged to think of sex as God's gift. This has been really difficult for me, and I wondered whether I should write or post about it at all, but I find that silence is the worst choice in this area. One of the causes and contributors to sexual sin, especially hidden sin, is loneliness. Shame from the sin breeds silence, which breeds loneliness, which leads to more sin, which causes shame. It's a relentless cycle unless someone knows, unless it becomes one less person struggling alone.

I wrote this simple retelling of the Garden of Eden and sexual sin to encourage us to find the goodness in God's gift. He is a good father who gives good gifts, but he gave instructions and parameters to this gift so we could enjoy it wisely. (This is an interesting parallel to his command that Adam and Eve not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.) In terms of parameters, I was once told that we don't build fires on our living room floors - we build them in fireplaces. These guidelines are good and wholesome, but there has been a lot of confusion. I think Satan loves to corrupt God's good things, and he has corrupted this quite a bit. There is much brokenness, guilt, and shame as a result of the misuse of God's gift, both because we live in a fallen world and because of the sinfulness of ourselves and other humans.

But God is good.

"But God" is my favorite phrase in the Bible. It shows up 59 times in the NLT. Therefore, despite the corruption, the misuse, and the guilt and shame, God is good. I believe that he gives us good gifts and he is heartbroken when they are misused, but it is not his plan to leave us in that. He is a God of grace and forgiveness and freedom.

What does that look like?

In February of my sophomore year, I started counseling in response to some difficult stuff that had happened earlier. One of the ways that I was able to heal during counseling was by changing the way that I saw God. Through counseling and prayer, I came to see God as a daddy whose lap I could climb up in. It came as a new revelation to me at the time that God would want to listen to me. I pictured having chai lattes with him at my kitchen table or sitting on his lap in a big, comfy chair. Interestingly, just the summer and semester prior to counseling, I had been reading and studying Captivating by the Eldredges. Every time I read it, something else jumps out at me, and that time I just faintly underlined (and didn't even put a tab at) one sentence almost half way through the book. Looking through the book now, I randomly found that sentence on page 100 and nearly cried when I saw it. It says:

The best thing we can do is to let Jesus come in, open the door and invite him in to find us in those hurting places.

God wanted me to let him in, and he continued to give me that image when I wasn't getting it the first time. That's what healing, forgiveness, and freedom looks like. It starts with letting someone in. For some people, the first person is Jesus, for others, they have to tell someone else before they can open up to the Lord.

The key here is that loneliness solves nothing. Shame will try to keep you down, but it will not define you. We are not defined by our failings and shortcomings, in this or any other area. Accountability and community are the safeguards.

And grace is the cure.

---

If this post hits home for you, I encourage you to seek out someone you trust who will listen and can help. If you're a TFC student, I pray that you'll get connected with the Breaking Free ministry (this chapel and others) or free counseling on campus. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Already Forgiven

My college's prayer team has spent days and weeks participating in 24/7 prayer for a number of years, and next week is our big Spring 2013 week of nonstop prayer. 24/7 Prayer is an "international, interdenominational Christian movement praying and working for reconciliation" spiritually, socially, and environmentally.

A couple years ago, while I was spending an hour in our prayer room on campus with a group of people for a 24/7 prayer week, I got the strong sense that God was speaking to me. This was before the really powerful sense of God's voice I felt when my vision clouded over and my heart beat faster, like when I was called to Asia, even though I haven't had that same experience in a while. Anyway, I felt as if God was saying, "I've already forgiven you." At the time, I had not been to counseling or expressed my need for confession or accountability yet. I didn't understand. It was almost like I could not quite process what God was saying to me, like I wasn't ready for it.

I'm not sure if I felt like I was being "super-righteous" or what, but I opened my eyes and looked for someone to whom I could tell what God had told me. I figured that since I didn't quite understand what he meant in reference to my own life, he must have meant it for someone else. I stood up and walked across the room to a girl I barely knew, who I'll call T, and I told her, "God has already forgiven you." She smiled at me, I smiled back, and I returned to my seat.

The funny thing is, she no longer attends my college, but I recently became acquainted with her blog. She is working with the International House of Prayer in the area where I used to live, and I am reading such encouraging and spiritually-motivating thoughts on her blog. A tiny part of me is like: Who am I to think I'm all high and mighty for God Himself to give me a message for this girl who is obviously closer to Him than I am?

I chastised myself for that thought, because why would I think that? Maybe she really did need to hear what God had told me. On the other hand, for several weeks after that night, I have questioned why I so distinctly felt God telling me "I've already forgiven you" if there was no point to it. Eventually, I gave up my concern for the circumstance and let it pass. Now, years later, it struck me tonight that perhaps that word from God was for me.

I have been out of counseling for over three months now, and I do not have all my problems solved. However, I am at a much healthier place in my life. I have learned positive coping mechanisms and successful thought processes. I have seen God in an entirely new light. And now even when the emotional roller coaster of that changing process is pretty much over, and it's tempting to get down on myself again, God continues to reveal little things to me. Like this thought tonight that maybe that word was for me: to prepare me for dealing with my crap and to prepare me for the time of learning after dealing with it.

His Words to me are:

I have already forgiven you. And I will keep forgiving you.

This is about more than the "sin that so easily entangles" that we all deal with everyday. This is about the deep tragedies of life from when we were younger, the sins we committed and the sins committed against us. This is about the sense of failing that grinds into our shoulders and backs and hearts and keeps us from standing up straight or letting our real faces show to the world.

Our God is not a God of anger. He is a God who speaks.

I have been praying for God to speak to me again, and I have been asking for more of Him since very early this month. I'm sad to say I have not been asking him consistently for these big things, but mostly I have been asking him for little things, like to "please let this computer open my document now so I won't be late to class." I know, those are ridiculous things. People write sermons on how we shouldn't treat God like a vending machine when they hear prayers like that.

Fortunately, those "little" prayers are teaching me something, too. A relationship with God is built not only on big things, but also on little things. Similarly, my relationship with my roommate L is built on "big" things, like finding time to Skype over Christmas or summer break or buying each other nice things for our birthdays. But it is also built on little things, like when I save her the chocolate piece at the end of a nutty ice cream cone. She loves the little chocolate piece. It's something small and meaningful, as crazy as that sounds.

A relationship with God should not be lived on Sunday mornings and during revival weeks. It should be lived in the day to day, and my seemingly petty prayers only serve to remind me to keep a conversation with God at the forefront. They remind me to ask God what he would have me do instead of constantly asking him to do things for me. He is so good and so patient and so graceful with an already-but-not-yet-resurrected-fallen-woman like me.

Oh, and by the way, the document opened before I had even finished my prayer. Even in the little things, God reminds me that he will always pursue me. He will always speak to me. He will always forgive me.

We are already forgiven.

Peace From the Heart of God

It's Tuesday of Spring Break week and I'm sitting on a screened-in porch in central Florida. The birds woke me up this morning a little before nine, and I had a breakfast of cereal and a clementine before reading the morning away. The sunshine is warm and the breeze is cool. When I walk down the tile and hardwood hallway, my feet make "plick-plick" sounds, like a museum. Yesterday, we saw manatees and a natural spring, and today we're going shopping before dinner with M's grandmother.

There is nothing like a peaceful place to set your heart back in line.

I have friends at college who are heavily into philosophy, apologetics, and psychiatry. Several weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend who changed her major from education to philosophy, and, although she never said it aloud, I found a beautiful reminder in her major-change: studying philosophy seemed to lead her closer to the heart of God.

See, God is a God of truth. Many even say that "all truth is God's truth." If this is true, then philosophy (which is basically logic, ethics, and wisdom), would lead its follower deeper into the God of all logic, ethics, and wisdom. That is why the world does not deny Christ, but proves him.
(I hope my philosophy friends can share their thoughts on this!)

When I found myself in this beautiful setting for spring break, in which the mornings are for reading, the afternoons are for fun, and the evenings are for fellowship, I wondered if perhaps this peaceful setting could and would lead me closer to the heart of God: the heart of a God who is peaceful and welcoming.

Psalm 118, the Bible reading for the Lenten devotionals I get each morning, made reference to the goodness of God. My phone call last night with my roommate reminded me of God's goodness and grace, provision and hope, and then today, reminded again of the peace here, I sought out one of my favorite passages: John chapter 14.

John writes, "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)

Even though the peace of this week will fade away when I return to the busyness of next week's school assignments, I am reminded that God's peace, the kind this world cannot give, will not fade away. He is the rock I can cling to during this storms of this life.

Twenty-One: Expectations vs. Reality

Maybe this is what twenty-one feels like. I thought to myself. A couple days ago, a few days before my birthday, I sat with two friends as we pondered and discussed housing arrangements for next semester... My last semester living on a campus as a college student. What. Then the conversation shifted to grad school. We want to look into a certain school together, maybe apply, see about living in that town. Hold on.

How am I this old? How am I planning for student teaching and Thailand and grad school and after college already? How am I already to the point of making my own budget, cooking my own meals, saving for that strange and crazy world after graduation? Graduation has always seemed like a far away pie in the sky. Something only for grown people, adults with plans and dreams and futures lined out. I don't even know what I'm eating for dinner most nights, how can I figure out my plans for the rest of my life?!?

Okay, deep breaths.

See, the thing is, I am not alone. No one else knows what they want to do. And even those who do will see their plans changed twice or thrice over during the course of their lives. It's okay to not have it figured out. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to make a weird choice and suffer the consequences. It's okay to budget wrong or spend too much and have to pay the "stupid tax," as my grandma calls it.

Because, you see, I am only human. Becoming an adult does not mean that you are somehow more than human. Adults make mistakes all the time.

So I guess it comes down to expectations verses reality. For example, I had once hoped that I would be in a dating relationship by my 21st birthday. Yet I always saw myself as a very independent and very single college graduate. I know things can happen between now and graduation (I've got a little over a year), but I've started to wonder if this really is the place where I will meet the guy God has for me. I wonder if we will start dating in college or sometime later.

When I had decided on a school for college, my mom's boss told her that the school I eventually chose is a great school, spiritually and academically. She told my mom that the reason this was important is that I will probably be meeting my future husband here. I agree with her in that typically you would find great guys at a great school, but it is frustrating to me when people assume that is why girls go to college. I am not going through four years of college to get my MRS degree. Come on now. I'm going through college so I can be equipped to teach for the rest of my life. I'm going to college for experiences I otherwise wouldn't have been able to have, things like living on a hall with thirty beautiful and crazy ladies in a building with almost ninety squealing freshmen girls. I'm going to college so I can have experiences like traveling to Hong Kong and Laos last summer to teach English and befriend students. I'm going to college, a Christian college, so I can learn how my faith interacts with and calls me to my career, how God works in the secular arena. All of those things can happen simultaneously with marriage, but the point is that marriage is not my focus in this.

Expectations verses reality... I didn't expect to get married right out of college, but a part of me did expect to date here. A part of me did expect certain relationships to be different. And yet looking back, I'm encouraged that God did not allow certain events (and allowed others instead). He knows what he's doing!

Another expectation verses reality is that I often expected that college would change me into a totally different person. In all honesty, I am different. I am much more likely to talk to people I don't know well, much more likely to share about my faith, much more likely to worship freely, and much less likely to worry as much as I did in high school. Yet, I am still the same person. I've dealt with a lot of crap and pain, but I am still dealing with it. I am very, very different, but I am still me. I am still an introvert, I am still a "J" personality, but I feel as if I am more well-rounded now.

Someone once told me that in college, we become over-exaggerated versions of ourselves. As we grow older, we mellow out. After college, we "slide into" the personas we discovered ourselves to be during college, and it gets toned down a bit. I think that is a great way of putting it.

Therefore, I'm becoming myself.

In all actuality, this is earth-shattering. See, I started this blog exactly 3 years ago today and named it "LosingMyself" because I wanted to focus on the fact that the purpose of life is not to go and do and "find" myself, but to lose myself in Him. I wonder if that is a correct way to look at it. I wonder if that is how I see life anymore. For example, I feel most alive when I am serving God in the capacities in which he's gifted me. I love teaching and I feel as if God has given me abilities to teach. This is becoming more Christ-like, through service, but it is also definitely becoming myself. What if becoming like Christ is really becoming who I was meant to be originally? As in, what if becoming like Christ is honing and developing the elements of me (and Christ in me) that are good?

I wrestle with this here because it is very intriguing to me. I have been facing up to who I am as I grow into me each day, and I wonder, yet again, if this is what twenty-one feels like. I still have two days, but I feel as if I'm getting much closer.

I wanted to share this blog post from December 2011. I had just finished Fall semester sophomore year when I composed this post referencing the acts of growing and serving in the season of singleness. I wrote:

...After this summer (spending five weeks in Asia [June-August 2012]), and my junior year..., what kind of person will emerge? A stronger, deeper, healthier, and more Christ-like person, that’s my prayer. I made a list a couple months ago of qualities I desired in my future husband, but also qualities that I would seek to reach as well. One such quality was the ability to attempt difficult things. Challenging things. Things like ministering overseas, but also things like becoming yourself.

I think too many of us are afraid of who really are, but like my psychology professor always says: “There must be a ‘me’ before there can be a ‘we’.” A Relevant Magazine article discusses the importance of singleness as it relates to your individuality: “Making the most of being single means being on your own. It’s just you and God. Being single is about discovering who you are, setting personal boundaries, knowing your likes and dislikes, your passions and the desires of your heart.”

I'm three-quarters of the way finished with my junior year, and I am so encouraged by the prediction I made at the end of 2011. I have become myself so much more during this time and I am grateful for that.

A final expectations versus reality moment: I did not expect to experience God as much I have since I've been in college. There was a time months ago when I specifically knew that God was speaking to me. I wrote about it in regards to going to Asia, "My heart skips a beat, my peripheral vision clouds over, I can’t breathe." It was definite. However, there was a long time in which that did not happen, and it hasn't happened recently, which led me to wonder if God was still speaking to me. Or is it just that I'm not listening?

My roommate challenged me to ask God for more of Himself, so I did. This past week, I had time with God each morning for five straight days, which I haven't done in a while. He also showed me some amazing things through not only that time with Him, but also the consistency of his love and his provision. For example, I have been yearning for a while for God to show me my new name. Our September spiritual emphasis week at college focused on our brokenness, and how God wants to come and sit with us there. At the end of the week, we were given the opportunity to take a small stone to remind us that God is giving us new names. A connection was made to the invitation Jewish people would give friends they were inviting to a wedding. In a sense, God is writing our new and true names on our invitations to eternity with him. I was reminded of Isaiah 62:4, as God is renaming Jerusalem. I was pondering this desire when my morning devotional was on Zephaniah chapter three. We are all familiar with verse 17, but I wanted to draw your attention to the remainder of the chapter (emphasis mine):

For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.
"I will gather you who mourn for the appointed festivals;
you will be disgraced no more.
And I will deal severely with all who have oppressed you.
I will save the weak and helpless ones;
I will bring together
those who were chased away.
I will give glory and fame to my former exiles,
wherever they have been mocked and shamed.
On that day I will gather you together
and bring you home again.
I will give you a good name, a name of distinction,
among all the nations of the earth,
as I restore your fortunes before their very eyes.
I, the Lord, have spoken!"

Maybe twenty-one will be about accepting who I am and who God made me to be: a single adult allowing God to change me and refine me to become more Christ-like and more me. And I'm okay with that.
In fact, it's a pretty exciting adventure. Let's do it.

Edited 3/25/13 at 9:54pm for labels.

Relapse (Or, Grace Upon Grace)

It always happens the same way. Stress tends to build up like a slow but severe snow storm and, before I know it, I’m snowed in. Or, rather, “stressed”-in. I have lost the simplistic joy I once felt. I have mistaken jokes for criticisms and companionship for annoyance. I have done what I do best in tumult – hide. I take introversion too far. I snap at people. I neglect the needs and desires of those around me. I cannot see above the obligations, the homework, the work hours, the confusion. I cannot see God. I slip into the sin that so easily entangles and I cannot find my way out. The tension within stretches and snaps my frail defenses.

But God (the two greatest words in my opinion), in his infinite wisdom, draws me back to himself like an adoring father forgiving his daughter, like a patient lover restoring his bride. I don’t know why he wants me again. After letting the things of this world almost crowd him out of my vision, I do not understand why he would fight to be my vision and fight to win back my heart.

But he is. He is fighting for me. Early last week, I flipped my Bible open to 2 Chronicles 20, when God tells the people that they need only to “stand firm” while he fights on their behalf. God’s got this. He knows what he’s doing.

I could have sworn that the gorgeous, warm day we had this past Sunday was created just for me. Warm weather is a blessing to the soul, and I welcomed it wholeheartedly by letting two friends convince me to hammock with them. I read Edith Wharton while lying in a friend’s hammock and experiencing a strange sense of peace. It was as if I had vitamin D deficiency and the sunshine was recharging a battery of sorts. A physical battery and an emotional battery.

We read from Job on Sunday morning and I was reminded of Job’s blatant finite-ness compared with the amazingly infinite God he served.

Then Job replied to the Lord: “I know that You can do anything, and no one can stop You. You asked, ‘Who is this that questions My wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I--and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me… I had only heard about You before, but now I have seen You with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

(Job 42:1-3,5-6)

It is in the place of brokenness, when have not spent with time with God earlier, when we are falling into sin and fear, that we often call out to God to save us. I wonder if God gets upset with us. If you had just stayed with me earlier, you wouldn't be in this mess, I imagine him saying sometimes. Yet that doesn't sound like God. God doesn't bring up all the bad things Job must have done to be deserving this pain, but he does ask Job who he thinks he is. Job answers by saying, “I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head” (Job 42:5, MSG). God demonstrates his omnipotence and omniscience in this situation and he proves Job's (and man's as a whole) nothingness.

Yet I don't think that God was necessary angry in the last couple chapters of Job. I think he was acting like a powerful father in a kind of protective rage. In a sense, he wants to prove man's nothingness so man will return to him with all he is. God isn't sitting up on some cloud berating me for the combination of circumstances and mistakes that led to this stressful situation. God isn't criticizing me for not running to Him at first sight of what I could not handle.

He’s standing here with his arms open. He is asking me to come back.

This world is not our home and it will not treat us kindly or fairly, but take heart, because He has overcome the world.

John 1, while describing Jesus's incarnation, pauses for a minute to discuss Christ in relation to the law. Basically, where the law could not provide peace or salvation for us, Christ does. God's unfailing love came from Christ, not from the law we couldn't keep. John 1:16 says, "From [Christ's] abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another."

The English Standard Version comes close to what I've read that the original Greek means. It translates "one gracious blessing after another" as "grace upon grace." The Amplified Bible translates it as "gift heaped upon gift." My friends, even in our times of relapse, brokenness, shame, pain, or confusion... Because Christ came and died for us, we have grace heaped upon grace freely available.

He is a God who welcomes us back.

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This post was contributed to Only a Breath's Monthly link-up party for OneWord365 bloggers on March 14th, 2013. 

"What is Man?" [My Thoughts on Lent]

Stuck between hours of reading, journal responses, and craft nights for Valentine's Day sits something I usually scarcely notice. My desk and the kitchen table are scattered with glittery heart stickers and pink and red hole scraps of paper. There are books everywhere.

My nights are late. When they're not, my mornings are early. And sometimes both.

This is the point of the semester when you prove yourself. It's not yet mid-terms. It's not yet pay-day. The homework level has increased to the typical norm and you must balance your time wisely so you can complete the bigger tasks that lay ahead.

I am not-so-patiently awaiting details on overseas student teaching, acceptance at a summer job, and confirmation for my future. I struggle with feeling alone, again, on Valentine's Day. I struggle with feeling tired too early in the semester. I struggle with keeping a budget when I'm on the five-meal plan. I struggle with freedom.

Today was Ash Wednesday, which marked the beginning of the Lenten season. My college has, in the past couple semesters, introduced a variety of worship styles. Our chapel service this morning was an Ash Wednesday service based on Anglican liturgy. It included Scripture reading, responsive reading, chanting, kneeling, standing, prayers aloud and silently, and the traditional ashen cross. We were given the option of coming forward during the Imposition of Ashes to receive the cross on our foreheads.

While the speaker, a professor here, spoke candidly about how we must not skip ahead to the resurrection too soon, I found myself longing for it desperately throughout the service. It is true that being raised in communities that only barely resemble liturgical churches may have colored my perception of liturgy. However, it seems to me that we can get too easily caught up in guilt and shame and sin that we neglect to act as if and believe that we are forgiven. Having lived in a mindset of legalism, guilt (real and false), and worthlessness for years, I am tired of feeling guilty for my sins any longer. Maybe that is not the appropriate response, but it is exactly how I feel. I don't want to be beaten over the head with rules that make me feel like crap. Don't God and I have a relationship?

Someone once told me that legalism is the natural course of the heart. When we realize we aren't doing it perfectly, we strive to make rules for ourselves so that we will, by our estimation. What we don't understand is that God doesn't want rules and God doesn't want sacrifices. He wants us to do what he says out of love, not out of a fear that we don't, we will be struck down from heaven.

Yet perhaps there is a time and a place for the "Ash Wednesday" phenomenon. I mean, the church calendar has been around for ages and no one really seems to have a huge problem with today's purple and black and ash crosses. Yes, my sinfulness brings me to my knees on many occasions. I guess the problem I have is with "requiring" repentance just because this is the beginning of a season.

I would just like to change the connotation of the Lenten season. Rather than a time of repentance and sad reflection, let this be a time of eager anticipation. Do not fast because it somehow reminds you of the suffering of Christ (how can it even compare?). Fast because it allows you that time to devote to knowing Christ more. And never, by any means, fast because everyone else is doing it. Fast (from anything) because God is telling you to do it.

In the scheme of things, finite man is nothing compared to infinite God. Nothing. But the fact remains that he is deeply in love with us. Why? Because he is delighted in the creation that he chose to create.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

- Psalm 8:3-5

God Who Proves Himself

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

The lyrics of this beautiful hymn, written in 1882 by Louisa Stead, sound like a paradox. I trust Jesus, I've proved Jesus, I need to trust Jesus more. Wait, do I trust him or not? Is trust an all or nothing thing, like being dead? Or is it more like a gradient thing? Like being hungry for a 3 Musketeers but not hungry enough for dinner.

Yeah, I don't know.

I do remember facing a circumstance and its subsequent aftermath and wondering if I could trust God again. It was a subtle unwinding of my faith, but it was rebuilt each time I called out His name, even if His name was the only thing I could muster. Somehow I came to the point where I trusted Him again. I think that was a very slow process, and I think it occurred because I needed Him. I needed God to be real and trustworthy and even though I wanted to hide with shame, He was there. He started to prove himself again.

This past June, I wrote about the confirmation I felt about my call to go to Asia. I specifically referenced the  fact that my eyes kept "leaking." I was crying all over the place because of the confirmation and fulfillment that the God provided about the trip. It is here, in the beginning of this semester, that I am faced with a similar situation. My eyes are leaking again. It is confirmation again.

The day before yesterday, I read the first chapter of our Literature for Today's Young Adults textbook and I found myself tearing up. What am I doing? This is a textbook for a college class, I thought to myself. But isn't God in the college classroom? Isn't God in my career choices? Isn't God in what I want to do for the rest of my life?

Yesterday, I attended a professional development conference for education majors. I had a conversation and prayer with an encouraging speaker on overseas teaching. I listened to a presentation / Q and A session with a principal at a Christian school who supports Christian education. That is what I want to do for the rest of my life. The last speaker, the one who is a principal at a Christian school, shared with us that if God has called you to Christian education and you follow Him in that, He will be faithful. You won't have money, but He will be faithful.

God's faithfulness is something I have been overwhelmed with for a long time, so that was an encouraging thought. Above and beyond, I was aware of being needy. Teachers don't make very much and Christian school teachers don't make anything. But God provides. God proves himself.

I have written before about actions and qualities of God. For example, God is a God who is here. He is a God who knows and who sees. Today, I want to write about the God who proves himself.

I had a first hand experience of this when I went to the store yesterday. To understand this story, you need to know that I have an envelope of money I've set aside for groceries to use until I get paid again that clearly has the word "Groceries" written on the front. So... I was walking down the hill to my car when I realized I had forgotten my grocery money. Because it was important, I turned around and went back to get it. I drove to the grocery store, went in, bought the sour cream I needed for a recipe and a couple things I probably didn't need, and went to check out.

That's when I noticed I didn't have my grocery money envelope with me. What's weird is that I found enough cash in my wallet to pay for my sour cream and stuff without even having my grocery money. I bought my stuff and went out to my car. And it was then I realized my car door was unlocked. I was worried, because I knew I had left my money in the car and I couldn't find it! When I got in my car and looked around, it turned out that my money had fallen between my car seats. So even though my car door was unlocked, my clearly marked grocery money envelope was not obvious. I don't think anyone would steal my money, but I was so thankful the situation wasn't tempting to anyone walking by. God proved himself in that.

God has also proved himself in how even though I won't get paid again until the end of February, I am confident I don't have to worry about what I'm going to eat. I tweeted the other day that Matthew 6:25 was definitely written for students on the five meal plan. The great thing is that I don't have to worry. God is proving himself.

God is also proving himself in the next thing I think he is teaching me, which is listening. I am not naturally gifted in extroversion or intercession or socializing. At all. I cannot do small talk or make speeches or answer impromptu questions without at least a hint of my old stutter coming back. But you know what happened? God has placed me in multiple situations in which I have to listen. One of those has been people in my life who talk a lot. No offense to these people, but when they keep talking, all you can do is listen. Sometimes God teaches you something by plunging you headfirst into it. Another situation was when my roommate and I got into a disagreement and she chided me for interrupting and speaking critically of her. I wasn't listening.

I heard once that people most enjoy talking about themselves. If you listen to people, you give them the honor of your presence. You build their self-esteem because you are demonstrating interest in their lives. Listening means being quiet and occasionally asking open-ended questions. It means looking with interest and showing that you care about what they have to say.

And when you do listen? You get to hear about the awesome stuff that God is doing, like making ways for your friends to go on mission trips and providing stories of angels in disguise. You can validate a person's story and testimony just by listening. When Jesus healed the demon-possessed man in Luke chapter 8, the man wanted to follow Jesus as a disciple, but Jesus told him:

"No, go back to your family, and tell them everything God has done for you." So he went all through the town proclaiming the great things Jesus had done for him.

- Luke 8:39

So keep listening, and take it from me. God is proving himself in my finances, my future, and his instruction to me to listen. When you follow God, he will provide. He will prove himself in little ways and in big ways. Do not worry.

So don’t worry about these things, saying, "What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?" These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

-Matthew 7:11

Provision Despite Worry

My first semester of college was tough, to say the least. As a rule-follower and structure-oriented person, I couldn't handle hallmates heading on late-night Taco Bell runs, running late to class, or feeling overwhelmed with the amount of free-for-all homework that was being assigned. I struggled my freshman year with feeling like the stress was up to my eyeballs.

One night early in that year, my RA (resident assistant) came into my room to chat or do roomcheck or something and asked me how I was doing. It was so great to have the chance to tell someone how I was feeling. I had my Bible with me (probably doing chapter summaries or something) and she asked me to turn to Matthew chapter six.

I grew up in Sunday School, I thought. I know where she's going with this. And I was right, she pointed out verse 25 and following.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

- Matthew 6:25-33, NLT

A little over two years ago, I still remember that conversation. Even though I "knew" the passage she was referring to, I did not really know it. I had not really experienced it. Sure, times were hard financially and emotionally after my parents' divorce when my mom was single. Money was tight, but God provided. I never feared that we wouldn't have a roof over our heads and food in our fridge. As a child, I never knew how much we really didn't have. Up until that semester, my needs were pretty much met.

However, going to college was a new experience. A change. Have I mentioned how much I don't like change? (I even wrote a post entitled "I Hate Change" in August 2010... oh goodness.) Anyway, this change, this new experience, has been fantastic, but it has also been challenging. For example, that first year, I was terribly afraid I would not have enough time to do my homework. I sacrificed time with good friends because I feared not finishing an assignment. As time went on, I feared other things. First, it was: would I be able to make friends? Later: would I have enough nice clothes to wear to work? Would I be able to finish this project? Would I be able to serve effectively here or there? Would I be able to end this relationship, if needed, and heal from it, if necessary? Would I be able to go through counseling (and would it actually help)? Would I be able to make it in another country? Would I be able to find my identity in Christ?

And most recently, my worry has been: Do I have enough money? Can I afford this?
I think it's a bit ironic that Matthew writes that "you cannot serve both God and money" exactly one verse before the passage my RA shared with me. In addition, the examples Matthew uses as things people worry about are food, drink, and clothing. All money-related items. It seems as if God is pretty serious when it comes to relying on him over money. That's why Jesus said that it is "easier for a camel to go through an eye of a needle than for a rich person to go to heaven" (Matthew 19:24). If we depend on our money, we are not depending on God. "Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven," Matthew writes.

Yet despite God's consistent warnings, we still need money to survive. I'm going on the five-meal plan at my college this coming semester. That means that I will only get five meals per week in the cafeteria. The other meals I will cook or eat out. From the money my parents are saving by this room and board option, they will be giving me a chunk (for groceries) and saving the rest. I'm going to need that grocery money. But I don't have to worry about it. God will provide, though my parents and through his provision.

It's interesting, though, that God will always provide. And if he doesn't? It just means he has better plans. My black dress flats had started to show serious signs of wear this past semester, and the heel of one is falling apart now. I needed to buy a new pair before I completed observations at a local school in January. Yesterday, I just got so worried about getting a new pair of shoes at a price I could afford that I literally started tearing up in the car. It was actually kindof ridiculous how worried I was.

In that moment, my RA's advice rang through my head. Matthew chapter six. Do not "worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?" And "do not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough trouble of its own." 

You know what? God will provide impromptu shopping trips and shoes on sale. He will, I promise. :) But that's not the point here. The point is that He is all we need. Seek Him first, and he will provide.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

-  Matthew 6:33, KJV

What I'm Listening To:

"Nothing But the Blood" - Matt Redman
"My Story" - Addison Road
"Search My Heart" - Hillsong
"All We Need" - Charlie Hall
"You Never Let Go" - Matt Redman

His Love is Even Here

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. The last few weeks of the semester tend to do that to me.

Sickness messed with my sleep and work schedules, which messed with my concentration and homework time, which messed with my free time and has me confused as to which day of the week it is today. Friends needing a shoulder to cry on; other friends not wanting to talk at all; other friends flip-flopping between wanting to be friends and ignoring the threads of friendship between us.

This has all left me tired and definitely in the midst of a real-life Twilight Zone. What can break me out of this mind-trick?

• Twelve hours of sleep made me feel better physically, but not really mentally. 
• A random act of kindness filled the gap like drugs: a high I could ride that left me in a crash.
• Waiting for a summer job interview, a placement for student teaching, a reply on my resubmitted nonfiction piece... I'm always waiting.
• Running lines with two precious girls for our church Christmas play lifted my spirits but reminded me of the work to be done for the play.
• Letting go of a crush the same day I see friends comforted by their boyfriends is disheartening. Very disheartening.
• Canceling our Thursday small group provided rest for my co-leader and me, but now it doesn't feel like Thursday anymore, and I can't shake the feeling I'm failing at ministry again.
• Breakfast at 10:30am. Enough said.
• My roommate and housemate pulled an all-nighter last night and woke me up just before 7 this morning. Lovely.

Speaking of which, I wrote my roommate a raw and painfully honest letter this morning about various things in our friendship. I was so busy writing it that I was almost late to my class this morning. When I looked down at the pages I had written, my heart was broken at how angry I sounded. The passive-aggressive letter is long and full of questions and exclamations I would have to flinch to even say aloud to her. Who do I think I am, expressing those hurtful comments to someone who matters so much to me? But, what if those comments need to be spoken because of how much she matters to me?

At this point I don't know.

Religion seems meaningless right now.

Ecclesiastes ends with the Teacher telling us to fear God and obey Him, for we will be judged. He goes through twelve chapters shooting down everything in the entire universe as meaningless, and then he comes back to God. Obey Him. Those are his final words.

And even at this point, obedience seems meaningless. Unless I disconnect it from religion.

Obedience because of religion is heartless and pointless. Muslims bow in prayer five times a day. Jewish people light eight candles (with a ninth candle in the middle) for Hanukkah each year. Why? These seem to be empty traditions based on obedience to religions that seem empty themselves.

If we think of Christianity in those terms of empty religion, it is meaningless. However, if we think of obedience as an out-flowing of the love we have for our Savior and friend, it becomes a relationship.

Did you know that his love is even here? Even here in the Twilight Zone with a headache, waiting for so many things, trying to get well, sipping tea that's gone cold, wondering how I feel so alone when I'm so surrounded... His love is here. Even here.

• When I can only get out his name in a broken voice before the guilt of my sin overcomes me, He's here.
• When I can't concentrate on a single homework assignment, not to mention a chapter of my favorite book in His Word, He's here.
• When I feel like I'm failing as a small group co-leader, like my past has come back to haunt me, He's here.
• When I wrongly think that hearing his words and feeling his hug would make things right, He's here.
• When I hurt with desperation over the confusion in my friendships, He's here.
• When I have trouble even lasting a shift at work, He's here.
• When no food satisfies and most of it leaves me feeling nauseous, He's here.
• When my singleness adds to my already disillusioned outlook, He's here.
• And even when I don't want Him, He's here. Like a patient gentleman, He's waiting on me to ask Him to come in and be at home with me with nothing but jasmine tea between us.

His love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between. 

Oh, How He Loves.
Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. For the Bible tells me so.

He is the God who is here.

What I'm Listening To:

"Times" - Tenth Avenue North

"Sometimes" - David Crowder Band

Love Yourself: Advice for Christians (Part Two)

If you missed part one, you can read it here.

I accepted Jesus into my heart fourteen years ago this month. I've spent fourteen years in this religion that is more like a relationship; fourteen years deeper into the heart of God.

A lot has changed since then. For one, I have learned how to articulate my beliefs. I finally nailed down my views on Calvinism and Arminianism (closer to the latter), soteriology (ransom theory with a bit of Christus Victor), and predestination ("ordained" free will... kinda). In addition, I've had my fair share of heartaches, victories, doubts, and beliefs. I watched the breaking apart of my parents' marriage. I lost a piece of my innocence. I lost my grandpa. I faced my fears. I began counseling.

Sometimes I characterize my growing up as "overchurched," in the sense that attending a Christian school and being involved in every activity at church often made me jaded to Christ. I literally did not want to hear it anymore. Unfortunately, living with a continual and typically repetitive or even simplistic "dose" of Jesus every time you turn around can be unhealthy. We may forget the most important things about Christianity.

Case in point: We all know the words of John 3:16 by heart, but most of us really do not believe them in our hearts. John 3:16 begins with these two words: God loves. Do we believe that he loves? Does our acknowledgement of his love change the way we live, interact, or think?

---

In my last post, I offered the idea that the advice "Love Yourself" can actually be beneficial for Christians. When I look at 1 Corinthians 13 and see that love is patient, love is kind, it only makes sense that I would treat myself, just as I treat others, in those ways.

To continue with 1 Corinthians 13, verse five says that love "keeps no record of being wronged." When it comes to loving yourself, I think this phrase goes both ways. Love does not make a list of every time someone sins against you. But also, love does not make a list of every time you sin. Yourself. Love is not about keeping the law or maintaining rules and regulations. Love is about living a spirit-filled life. Romans 8:3-4 reads:

The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin's control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit.

The thing is, under the new covenant (basically, the New Testament), we do not live by the rules of the Law (the old covenant, the Old Testament Law). And when we meet Christ and accept his free gift of salvation, we no longer live in slavery to the sinful nature. As born-again Christians, we live by the Spirit. God declared an end to both the law's control and sin's control over us.

Now, take this theology and apply it to keeping no record of wrongs. If Romans 8:1 is correct, if there really is no condemnation for those who in Christ Jesus, then of course God does not make a list of our sins and judge us by it. He loves us as his children, and I believe he isn't about to bring up our past sins to make us feel guilty or to place blame or shame on us. That's not the way love works.

Similarly, when we talk about loving ourselves, it is important that we acknowledge that we sin, that we are aware that we are not yet who we want to be in Christ, but that we not become obsessed with feeling bad about our sins or walking around with this subjective feeling of "condemnation" for doing something wrong. Has God forgiven you? Has God already forgiven you? The answer is a firm and resounding Yes. Don't keep holding to that bad feeling after you sin. 1 John 1:9 says, "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." So confess it and move on.

Keeping a record of your wrongs and bringing them up again every single time someone mentions forgiveness and grace is a pretty depressing way to live. I know. I've been there. The thing is, God doesn't care about all of that. He loves you regardless. He loves you for who he made you to be. He loves you because His son's blood covers all of your sins. Why hold on to something Jesus has already washed off of you? Why grasp the chains of sin and guilt that Jesus already broke? Tenth Avenue North sings:

Your blood bought and makes us children
Children drop your chains and sing

Friends, a healthy realization that, as Christians, we still sin, is good. Yes, Christians still sin. The only difference is that sin does not drive us from God in a desperation, it actually ends up drawing us closer to God. When we sin now, as believers, we can come to God and kneel before him and confess, "God, I'm sorry for my sin. I repent." And you know what? God says, "What sin? I don't know what you're talking about." Come up here and sit on my lap.

Hebrews chapter four says that since Jesus was tempted in every way we are, yet he did not sin, we can "approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" (Hebrews 4:16). God is not angry at us! He wants to give us mercy and grace. He wants to help us in our weaknesses. He beckons us towards him. What a beautiful realization that, even though it seems impossible, if we give God our pain and mistakes and heartaches, if we reveal to him our brokenness and sins, he will redeem us. He will forgive us. In fact, he already has. Come to the water, my friend.

God keeps no record of wrongs. Love keeps no record of wrongs (your own or someone else's). To love yourself means to not beat yourself up over what has happened in the past. To love yourself means to confess it and move on, to accept God's graciousness and forgiveness and be loved. To let yourself be loved.

---

1 Corinthians 13:7 says that love always hopes. Check back for part three where I will discuss how hope applies to loving yourself.

What I'm Listening To:

Hallelujah, The Struggle, and Shadows - Tenth Avenue North
Doubts or Disbelief - Chasen

Pages from My Asia Notebook (Part 1)

Welcome Back! As you know, I spent the last five weeks in Asia teaching, sight-seeing, and catching a vision, and I returned to the States almost a week ago. It was an amazing and challenging trip that put things into perspective and solidified my calling. I would like to share with you some passages from the notebook/journal I used in Asia. This is part one of two. Enjoy!

7/12/12
So, I met my class two days ago. They are absolutely adorable and I love all of them. To think that the Father loves all of them more than I ever will is simply amazing.
I shared the devo tonight (we each have two nights to share a devo with the rest of the team). I shared about Lowercase People - the bus drivers, waitresses, 7-11 employees, school janitors, etc. They are not our primary focus, but they are making this trip possible. (Great tie to Switchfoot as well!) I received lots of comments about how good it was and I said "thank you" - that's it. It was good for me. What a blessing to hear that, even when everyone was tired.

Out to lunch with some students.

I'm thankful for taxi cabs when we don't want to ride the bus and good seats when we do. I'm thankful for snacks and cold water and the internet and students who listen when we talk. I'm thankful for students who will invite me to lunch and Ms. Bersa and Mr. Wong who also invite us. I'm thankful for sleep.

7/15/12
What an amazing two weeks it's been. I can say I love sitting at the harbor with my team at Tsim Sha Tsui looking over the Hong Kong skyline. It was beautiful. I really love my team - though sometimes each of them can get a bit annoying at times. Making sure I get enough food, rest, and introvert time makes loving them easier.

Some of the team and me at the TST Harbor.

I am reminded of His forgiveness when I compare myself to His standard and find I can never measure up. We celebrated communion at fellowship today and the leader said: "We take communion because we love the Lord a little and want to love Him a more... When we celebrate it, we do so not out of guilt, but by remembering that Christ has clothed us in his white robes of righteousness." No guilt in communion, only grace and forgiveness and remembrance.

Spiritually Prepared

My biggest fear going into college was that I wouldn't make any friends. God radically challenged and demolished that fear by blessing me with an amazing group of friends I have kept and loved these last two years. I would not be here without them.

Now, when it comes to my five week trip to Asia (which I leave for in 7 days!), my biggest fear is that I am not spiritually prepared enough. It's like this little sneaky feeling that I should be somewhere else (farther or deeper or stronger) in my relationship with God and that I'm just not there yet. I was actually really upset that I was not as "Christian" as I thought I should be before embarking on this trip.

The organization I'm serving with really emphasizes preparation and  pre-trip planning, even providing a Bible study, a journal devotional, and a book on servanthood to prepare us for the trip and the ministry we'll be doing. I think that's great, but it was affecting my outlook on the trip in general. I felt like I was not good enough to go to Asia in the first place. Fortunately, I was wrong. It's not about my "good-ness" or ability. It's about God's goodness and ability. He will equip me to do the good work he is calling me to. The pre-trip devotionals and Bible studies are for the purpose of opening my eyes and heart so I am willing to let him use me. They serve little purpose than to help me be aware, to help open and keep open the lines of communication between me and God.

Tirzah Presbyterian Church

I learned this while I was on a mini road trip today. This morning, I woke up at 6:30am and drove a little over an hour to a city a couple counties over from mine. It was fairly spontaneous, as the idea occurred to me late yesterday afternoon, and I wasn't sure exactly where I was going. I ended up doing everything I set out to do. First, I visited a tiny unincorporated community called Tirzah. In Hebrew, "Tirzah" is a female name which means "She is my delight" and it is found in the Bible as both a name and a city. I've always wanted to visit it just because of the name, but I learned today that the little town is just one street long! The road (Tirzah Rd) is about a mile and a half long and it literally has one church and a bunch of pretty houses. That's it. I wondered why I drove all the way there to drive down one street. Later, I went to the County library and found old records from the church, but nothing to explain why it was named Tirzah.

I think I set out trying to prove that I was beautiful or to find beauty. Maybe if I'm beautiful, I found myself reasoning, my Father will notice me. Or maybe I went about it trying to prove that I was somehow a good Christian, that I could go be away with God somewhere and have an amazing experience and come back spiritually renewed and glowing. Initially, I didn't set out looking to spend more time with God; I set out trying to be someone I wasn't.

Tirzah Road sign

After that random adventure, I drove to the Glencairn Gardens, a volunteer-run flower garden in the area. I spent some time taking pictures of nature and enjoying the scenery. Then I settled in for Jesus time. And let me tell you, God showed up without me needing to pressure him into coming. Or get down on my hands and knees and beg his presence. Not that there's anything wrong with asking God to be among us. The fact is that I learned that He already is. It matters so much to me that God sees me, that he notices me, that he finds me important, significant, and yes, beautiful. I failed to realize that he already does.

I don't have to do anything to get his attention because I already have it. He has carved my name into the palms of his hands. He doesn't just walk away when I need him or ignore me when I call him or find something more interesting to do. He always wants to hear my voice.

Flower at the Gardens

Thus, I realized I tend to focus on myself way too much. Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest had this to say today: "The continual inner-searching we do in an effort to see if we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, sickly type of Christianity, not the vigorous and simple life of a child of God."

I honestly felt like I wasn't good enough, and that held me back from doing so much. Chambers says that the correct attitude is to "launch out in reckless, unrestrained belief that the redemption is complete," because even if it isn't, we are made right with God in Christ, and we should move on from ourselves. At some point, we should not "worry anymore about [ourselves], but begin to do as Jesus has said...". Which is: prayer and service. Sometimes as Christians, we get this weird idea that sanctification and ministry are not simultaneous. I would like to argue that they almost always happen at the same time. God has saved me and is saving me and I'm working out my salvation through my work for God's kingdom.

The point is that God sees and notices and loves me. Sometimes I still have to be reminded of that. Because he so generously lavishes love and forgiveness on me, I can go and serve and minister to others, even if I don't feel perfect or even good enough. You know why?

Because we "are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that [we] may declare the praises of him who called [us] out of darkness into this wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:9). He chose us to serve him. And if we waited until we were perfect to start serving, we would be in heaven already. (Alone, of course, because a nice portion of that serving is missions work.)

In this post from March, I included 1 Peter 2:9 because I heard it twice in one less-than-two-hour period and I couldn't figure out why. However, today, when I opened My Utmost for His Highest and saw that 1 Peter 2:9 was the headlining verse, I knew God was going to speak to me through it. It was like he had given me a little taste beforehand so I'd know when to pay attention when he used that verse to speak to me. What a strange blessing from the Lord!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is going to use me how and where he wants me. He is going to equip me for the work to which he's called me. And I don't have to be superwoman or super-Christian. I just have to be willing.

What I'm Listening To:

"You're Beautiful" - Phil Wickham

"Something Beautiful" - NeedtoBreathe

Switchfoot on shuffle

Leaving It Behind

Hebrews 12:1 says: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

Happy May, everyone! I am officially finished with my sophomore year of college! I cannot believe how fast time flies.

If I could describe this year or even this past semester in one phrase, it would be “Coming to Terms.” I have spent my sophomore year coming to terms with my past, dealing with of crap, and learning to move on. I wish I could say I am now perfectly healed and whole, but that’s not entirely true. Yes, God has redeemed and ransomed me, and I am not who I was, but I still have a very long way to go. The cool part is that God has me where he wants me, and I’m sure of that now.

As part of this whole “coming to terms” thing, I shared a part of my testimony at the end of March with the ladies in my dorm. The entire experience was absolutely great - God had his hand in it the whole time. As part of the testimony night, everyone who shared painted, drew, or chalked key phrases from their testimonies on a piece of cardboard. Each lady’s cardboard testimony had a “before” side and an “after” side, describing her struggles on one side and her hope or change on the other.

After the evening, I put my cardboard testimony on the shelf above my desk where I could see it every time I walked in my room. The “after” side faced out, which was really encouraging. Yesterday, when I finished packing up and preparing to head home, I found myself unsure about what to do with my piece of cardboard. I knew I could fit it in my car, but I also knew that it would be hassle to squeeze it in somehow. And what am I going to do with a piece of painted cardboard?

I debated quickly whether to throw it away or to keep it, and the pack rat in me lost. But as I threw the rectangle cardboard testimony into the dirty and rusty garbage dumpster behind my dorm, I felt like I was leaving that pain and that sin behind. It was like a weight was being lifted. Suddenly, a portion of the guilt that I thought could never leave began to melt and crack a little.

So I left my sin in the dumpster. Eventually, a dump truck will come by and carry my cardboard testimony to a landfill miles away. It’s virtually gone forever. I promise I am still coming to terms. I promise I am still dealing with guilt, shame, and mistakes. I promise I will still struggle. But I know that I know that God has forgiven me. I don’t have to fight anymore. God is here.

Even before the word “Emmanuel” was used for Jesus to mean “God with us,” a name for God translated Jehovah Shammah was used. It means “The Lord is there.” Not only is this phrase the final words of the book of Ezekiel (48:35), but it is repeated multiple times in the Old Testament. It is used in reference to Jerusalem, as the Lord is living among his people in Israel.

I heard about Jehovah Shammah a while ago, but when I was coming to terms with feelings of loneliness, I began researching the name again. To learn that this name refers to the city of Jerusalem makes me want to cry with joy. See, when I shared my testimony in March, I quoted Isaiah 62:4 about God’s restoration of the city of Jerusalem. I mentioned it because I like to compare the broken and hurting woman to the broken and hurting city of Jerusalem during the times of captivity or warfare. Thus, just as God came for Jerusalem to heal her and rescue her, so God does the same for women (and men, too).

How beautiful is it to know that the same God who calls Jerusalem by a new name in Isaiah 62:4 because he is restoring her is the same God who then dwells in Jerusalem and calls himself Jehovah Shammah because he is there in that city with his bride. I believe that God is also calling himself Jehovah Shammah with us, his children. I left that sin behind in a landfill in some county in North Georgia, but God is here. Sometimes that’s all I know, and it is more than enough.

What I'm listening to...

"Million Pieces" - Newsboys

"Oh My Dear" - Tenth Avenue North

Friends, Foes, and Confidants

When I first came to college, I legitimately asked God to make me an extrovert. Most of the girls I met were out being crazy (e.g. Taco Bell runs and hikes to Little Falls) at random hours every evening during Orientation week. I was organizing my room. For the third time. And because introverts are, by definition, usually by themselves, it was just a little bit difficult to make friends.

But I did, praise the Lord, partly because I prayed earnestly for friendships all throughout my senior year of high school, especially second semester. To realize halfway through my freshman year of college that I had developed some amazing friendships literally rocked my world. One day, I posted this line on my tumblr blog: “I’m so in love with these people.”

All fine and dandy, right? Wrong.

Now, please do not misunderstand me. Friends are a blessing, especially for introverts. It is imperative that we understand that God made us for relationships. Ultimately, he made us for a relationship with him (to glorify and enjoy him - Westminster catechism, anyone?) Also, because it was not good for us to be alone, and because one way we can learn about our relationship with God is by having relationships with others, God gave us each other.

The problem comes when we put what God has given us over God Himself. Suddenly, everything is out of order, and that makes for a lopsided life.

I recently began to reevaluate my friendships, because I felt like I was putting friends above God. I also felt like very few of my friends were “doing” friendship the same way I was, and that made me feel even more alone. However, to my friends, it looked like I was literally pushing them away.

How can an introvert evaluate her friendships without looking like she is pushing her friends away?

I don’t know. But I do know that God made us to love each other, even though it’s so messy.

What I’m learning is that philos (friendship love) is going to be messy and yucky sometimes. But we do it anyway, because God said so. And because the rewards of loving one another is beautiful.

The disciple John wrote about love in two of his books. In John 13:35, he says, “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” This is pretty legit. We are called to love each other. I believe that love is the first step towards anything spiritual happening. For example, we must love the unreached and meet their physical needs before we can share Jesus with them. We must love before fear will leave (1 John 4:18). If we hate our Christian brothers and sisters, there’s no way we can love God (1 John 4:20-21).

This is a tough pill to swallow for an introvert, but I would like to let you in on a little secret: Love does not mean you have 47 intimate friends. Love does not mean you can’t also have time alone. Love does not mean you are constantly surrounded by people. Love means you truly care about others (Philippians 2:4). It means you give up yourself for them (John 15:13). It means you notice your friends' love languages and you look for ways to meet them. It means even if you don’t have a coffee date every night of every week, you still make time for people.

And sometimes, it’s okay to be a little extroverted. I’ve started to place an addendum on my introversion status. I say: “Yeah, I’m an introvert... who loves people.”

Lesson from this week: Don’t place anything above God (Exodus 20:3), but don’t stop loving (Luke 10:27).
I wrote earlier about a sacrifice God had called me to make. Recently, I was speaking with someone about it, and they asked me some questions that began to plant doubt in my confidence. I was a little upset, because I was sure that God had called me.

In less than a 30 hour period this week, God gave me two verses about sacrifices. The basic gist from each verse is that God wants my heart more than he wants my sacrifice. I learned that is the reason for my sacrifice: that I would become closer to God. That I would love him and that I would love others. Sometimes God calls us to give up something that is standing in the way of our obedience to the greatest commandments, and that’s why I’m sacrificing.

“To love [God] with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” - Mark 12:33