Turning Twenty... And Other Wrestles

I had a bit of a crisis last night in the library between Charles Dickens’ Best Stories and Europe Since 1715. It had nothing to do with literary and historical classics, but… I’m turning twenty years old this weekend! What?!? Don’t get me wrong, this is super exciting, but it’s a time of transition and change as well. And I usually don’t like transition and change.

I was sitting at my favorite table in the library, filling out an application for a ministry position on campus, when I was just a bit shocked at how quickly I had found myself here. Hasn’t it been less than two years since I cried myself to sleep as a high school senior, wondering what was going to happen when I graduated, moved, and “adopted” an entire stepfamily? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I drove a little red Mercury Cougar with bucket seats? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I was a terrified and naïve eighteen year old with a broken family and a heart yearning for love?

Sometimes I just want to yell, "Look at me now!" I want to find that guy who made fun of me in middle school so I can show him who I’ve become and talk with him about what God can do in people’s lives. I want to remind my dad that I am no longer the eight year old little girl I was when he left and I want to tell him that he can never get back those years of my life. I want to actually do the great and wonderful things that my shyness and insecurities kept me from doing years ago.

One of the things I’ve wrestled with when it comes to my birthday is my singleness. For one, God has been showing me amazing things about singleness and sacrifice since my last post. That’s been really good. The problem, however, is that I honestly have not been living and thinking in ways I know I should and in ways that will glorify God. I mean, I have worked to maintain outward displays of purity and joyfulness in singleness, but I am not living with singleness of heart. My heart is not thinking on that which is noble and pure and true and my mind is not full of the glories of my Savior. It is often on two things: Complaining about being "alone" and dwelling on the "potentials" of a relationship.

This makes me upset. God has specifically called me to singleness for this current season, for the next while of my life, and I’ve discovered my heart is set on anything but Him. That should be my point! When we sacrifice what is good, we do so for the whole purpose of gaining that which is best (namely, God). So, if we participate in something like Lent or a personal sacrifice, we must replace what we give up with God, especially more time in his presence and more time meditating on him.

I guess I had some kind of unspoken plan to date while I was still a teenager. Leaving that behind has been weird. It’s a bit like the first time I realized I wasn’t going to be kissed in high school. I’m saving my first kiss for when I get engaged, so that eliminates that opportunity. It really was not a big deal, but it made me think. Now, I’m wondering how long God’s command that I sacrifice my desire to date will be. At this rate, I’m doing a very bad job at it, and God just might call me to surrender dating for a while. Am I okay with that? Well, when it comes to God, I have to be. Assuming that the Creator of the universe actually gave me life and knows how best to live it, I shouldn’t have much of a problem trusting his plans for my life, my entire life, even my love life.

But I do. I do have problems trusting him.

I have a problem when I see yet another couple is displaying way too much physical affection. I have a problem when I don’t pay attention to God’s consistent pursuit of my heart because I chalk it up to coincidence. I have a problem when I hear stories of the not-so-smart actions of girls and guys when it comes to romantic relationships.

This problem is more like a heart cry of mine, focused on the brokenness between people, especially in male/female relationships. A female friend and I talked the other night, completely broken over the hurt we have encountered in relationships with our dads, brothers, guy friends, and male spiritual leaders. There’s a lot of hurt there. I told her that I was striving with every bit of me to believe that there are strong Godly men who are spiritual leaders. Yet after struggling with the pain of broken relationships, believing that is so difficult.

That’s a problem I encounter when it comes to trusting in God. Now, the good news is that we must give God time to shape our future spouses. We wouldn’t want to begin dating them until God has shaped us, too.

And I think that’s my point.

Are we passionately in love with the God who pursues us and loves us with everything? I’ve come to realize that we cannot and should not begin a dating relationship until we are passionately in love with him. This does not mean that we never date. This does not mean that we are hopeless. This simply means that we get some things straight before we involve other person. We must be able to worship and serve God and love doing it. We must find out some things about ourselves, like what makes us tick and what gives us energy, before we try to find that in another person. We must pray and fast and embrace silence and read the Word and every other spiritual discipline. We must learn to love all our brothers and sisters. We must give and give freely of ourselves and our time and our love. And I believe we must have heartache along the way. No one is ready for a dating relationship unless they have been hurt and caused hurt in the past and have come to terms with it and moved. It’s essential.

Is your faith your own? Is your God your own? Do you love him?

I wrote a fictional (but largely based on actual events) post that was themed like a Q and A session with God. I asked God why I was still single. He asked me if I loved him. I hope and pray that we would dive deeper into him, take our pain and joys to him, and worship him fully. That’s why we’re here.

Even at twenty years old and never dated, that's still why I'm here. A woman's highest calling is the same as a man's, regardless of occupation, station, or relationship status... to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Sacrifices

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

(1 Peter 2:9)

I have never officially participated in Lent, the 40 days of fasting before Easter, but I have made spiritual decisions for my life that correspond with lent for the past two years. So far this year, God has been doing some amazingly awesome stuff, which has contributed to what I’m doing for a personal rendition of Lent.

For one, this past Thursday, God gave reconciliation to a friendship of mine. It was pretty much unexpected and surprising. I was convinced people could not change, but I was reminded that when God gets a hold of someone who is open, awesome things happen. That reconciliation was an answer to prayer and I know God is going to do great things with this friend’s life.

Friday, the next day, I went hiking and “swimming” with some awesome friends. After dinner, I went back to my room, but it was Friday, so I didn’t want to do any homework or hang out alone. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anyone to hang out with, but I began to sense that I needed and wanted to spend time with God. So, I grabbed my Bible, journal, and iPod and headed to the campus prayer room, where I turned up the worship music so loud the walls were shaking. That whole worship experience was amazing. It was almost two and a half hours of singing, Scripture reading, artsy-crafty worship, and dancing (yes, dancing can be worship, too!). It was good communion with God.

And then, out of the blue, some thoughts popped up. Not immoral thoughts, just a realization. I realized that guys who love Jesus are attractive. Not sure why it took me so long to get it... just kidding! Anyway, I was so taken aback by the suddenness of these thoughts I honestly did not know what to do with them; I immediately turned them over to God. Obviously, it’s not wrong for women to be attracted to Godly men, but this was worship time. I have come to understand that my focus should be always be on God over and above what God has created, even if it’s good.

This simple and somewhat naïve action this past Friday started an entire personal lent movement. When I went to God with the realization, he asked me make a sacrifice. He asked me to sacrifice my desire to date and get married. Almost immediately, Genesis chapter 22 (where Abraham attempts to sacrifice Isaac) came to mind and I knew that’s what God wanted me to do.

Even though I’m making this sacrifice, I believe I will still get married. Abraham knew and believed his descendents would come from Isaac, but he was still able and ready to obey God and sacrifice Isaac (see Hebrews 11:17-19). The point and meaning of this sacrifice is that I will make a conscious and intentional effort to focus on God and my relationship with Him instead of the worries, doubts, and fears that come with potentially entering the realm of dating. 

Believe me when I say that guys who obviously love Jesus are incredibly attractive to me. What a blessing from the Lord to feel that way! We are human beings after all. Yet I know God is calling me to singleness for this time. I know, because he has asked me to hold my relationship with him so close that a dating relationship cannot be in the picture yet.

Towards the end of my first semester of freshman year, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before he brought a guy into my life. I asked for those things, and slowly, God revealed them. Most of them were ministry opportunities or personal development opportunities that could be best taken as a single person. When I returned to school this January, I looked back over what I was doing and I realized none of those things were in my life anymore. Suddenly, I questioned God’s providence. Was he calling me to remain single or to date? Now, with this new revelation of sacrifice, I am convinced again of God’s purposes and providence. He has a plan for my life and he is doing great things. Awesome things.

The prayer team on my college’s campus has organized a 24/7 Bible Reading, in which students and staff of the college sign up to read from the Bible for 24 hours a day as many days as it takes to read the entire Bible, which is actually going to be less than seven days. We’ve done the same thing with prayer before. Last night, I went to listen to whomever was reading, but I ended up filling in for an hour for someone who missed their shift. I was reading Psalms and I kept breaking out in song every few chapters. It was raining, so I kept singing “And I believe You will come like the rain” from Jesus Culture, as well as any songs I thought of when I read the Psalms. It was pretty amazing. I left that hour, after reading, praying, and singing the Word, very fulfilled. I prayed for rain and for God to come like Hosea 6:3 says.

The funny thing is, we sang “You’ll Come” by Hillsong in chapel today. The chorus is about both rain and God coming to us, and I knew it was no coincidence that it lined up perfectly with what I prayed for last night. And it did rain today, it was just misty instead of drenching. I began to see that God’s pursuit of me is definitely not a coincidence, but that it is real and consistent, but more than that, it is gentle, like misty rain. I am reminded that God’s love is strong. How can something so often thought of as weak and mushy be strong? I think it’s in the same way that God’s pursuit of his bride is both furious and gentle at the same time.

My point is that in “giving up” the dating desire (and taking practical steps to reduce the temptation I encounter to worry about or lust over a potential relationship), I am making the effort to grow closer to God and to listen to him as he is pursuing me. So, yeah, in some way, this is what I’m giving up for Lent. And this semester. And this summer. And probably this entire year. And who knows how long. Because my relationship with the God of the universe matters so much than getting married and having kids. Don’t get me wrong, I desperately desire to get married and have kids one day, but that cannot be my focus. I can’t go to college to get my MRS degree, because that’s ridiculous. I must ask myself: who am I focusing on?

Maybe, if you’ve read this far, you’re wondering why I put 1 Peter 2:9 as the opening for this post. Honestly, I do not know. All I know is that within a couple hours on Monday night, I heard this verse twice from two different people in two completely different contexts. I am asking God to show me what he wants me to gather from this verse.  I know for sure that God is doing great things and, as his child, I am privileged to be a part of them. To be loved by the God of the universe so much that he calls you his holy priesthood is pretty amazing stuff. He loves you.

Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City" or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God,” for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

(Isaiah 62:4)

Switchfoot on the Drive Home and “Boys”

Yesterday, I drove home a different way for the first time. I had my windows down and the radio way too loud, letting Switchfoot and this surprisingly warm February speak to my soul. It was such a blessing.

Recently, my heart’s been breaking over relationships. For one, Student Government elections tend to bring out the worst in people. I left the Open Forum early, but I heard it got a little heated towards the end. And I heard some slightly accusatory questions before I left. Why? Are we Christians when we’re going to church and feeding the homeless, but not when we’re choosing the next SGA president? I’m aware that SGA is not a “religious” organization, but we are all Christians and I think a little more should have been said for the character of the candidates. Like, who is connected to a church and serving whole-heartedly? My favorite teacher in high school once said that the best way to find out if a boy is a man is to ask him how many trenches he’s dug. Hard work usually makes for excellent character.

Speaking of which, this whole issue with “boys” and “men” intrigues me. A couple weekends ago, a good friend and I went to visit our mutual friends at a nearby college. At one point in the evening, one of our friends was talking about her developmental psychology class last semester in which the professor would not let any student refer to people of their own age group as “girls” or “boys.” The professor required students to say “women” and “men.” (This was because college students are physically, mentally, and legally adults.)

Interestingly, I’ve seen that when we’re upset with each other, we refer to each other as if we were children. Last week, in less than a two hour time frame, two friends came to me to talk about “boys” who they termed as “stupid.” I listened to their stories. And yes, the males in the circumstances made some stupid decisions. But in all honesty, it pained me to hear my female friends describe our brothers in this way. All of the guys mentioned in these conversations profess to be Christians. Yes, they may do some not-so-smart stuff, but they are not “stupid boys.” They are 19 to 20-something-year-old men who serve the same God we do.

Have you ever seen this picture on a book or T-shirt? I laughed the very first time I saw it. I mean, all girls (there I go again…) understand it because all of us have been hurt by a guy at one time or another. Or multiple times.  But today it just makes me angry.


One of my guy friends is particularly fond of the word “destroy” and he often uses it to describe the way he feels after a good philosophical argument destroys what he thought he knew. Recently, however, he also used it to explain the way a good friend of his was destroyed by his ex-girlfriend. It caught me off-guard when my friend wrote, “…you're not a guy if a girl hasn't destroyed you at some point.” I would agree that (vice versa) is true for girls as well. But anyway, my point is that girls (women) do stupid things, too. We often don’t realize it, because girls and guys do stupid things in different ways.

That’s why that picture makes me angry. Why, when we all do stupid things or do good things stupidly, do we call each other stupid? Hey, does the Golden Rule to treat others the way we want to be treated or the Christian mandate to love your neighbor go out the window when a guy hurts you?

I’m not minimizing the pain, believe me. After my dad left when I was eight, I’ve been sensitive to the pain that male-female relationships cause. And most recently, the loss of a good guy friend and the ministry we shared. It’s been months now, and I can honestly say that I’ve forgiven him. I’m moving on. I’m healing. Good friends have been pouring into me, helping me release the pain and to stop holding on to what happened. I like to use it as a shield, to keep me from getting close to guys again, and friends have been showing me how to love with boundaries, not shields, and to learn to trust again.

In no way am I saying your pain from a male-female relationship isn’t real. But the thing we must remember is that we are all broken people. What happened is not okay, but you are okay. You will be okay. God is in the process of restoring broken people. And that guy? He will be okay. Healing and moving on will come. And it will come when you two are working through it separately. Switchfoot sings an awesome and deep song about some healing and moving on.

I’m asking that we learn to love each other despite and through our shortcomings. Yes, sin hurts. Like crap. But what about forgiveness? What about love?

Let me close this post…

• Guys (men), your sisters have been hurt. A lot of us are deeply terrified of dating. Yes, it would be nice, but we are striving to pursue what God wants for us, and to work on our personal healing and goals before we begin a relationship. I speak for many of us: please just be our brothers. There will be time for pursuing girls romantically.
• Girls (women), your brothers have been hurt. A lot of them are afraid and apprehensive of dating. Yes, they would probably love to be dating, but they want to pursue God’s healing and God’s purposes for their lives before a dating relationship. I can’t speak for them, but I do know that they admire us as their sisters and we should continue to be there for them the way sisters should. Dating will come in time.

Overall, keep loving. No matter what, we are still brothers and sisters.

“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” (John 13:35)

Growing and Serving in This Season

[This is part three of a three part series.]


“You should never get married until you are first happy being single,” she said. At the time I took her word for it, although I really didn’t believe her. Less than ten years later, she did get married and is happily married to this day.


After going through the program herself, my mom led a few sessions of the DivorceCare program at our old church. One of the topics the curriculum discussed was remarriage after the divorce was final. The program encouraged the newly single people to remain single for a long time. Remarriage too quickly was usually a sign of either infidelity during the marriage or a marriage out of loneliness instead of love and commitment.


As a single person, my mom’s words still hold true for me. I think you shouldn’t enter a dating relationship until you are happy being single. Cloud and Townsend write, “If you must be dating or married in order to be happy, you are dependent, and you will never be happy with whatever person you find.” They suggest “curing” the aloneness first, then dating. Never use dating to try to cure the feeling of loneliness. Their steps for the cure include strengthening your relationship with God, strengthening your relationships with other Christians (a “safe and healthy” group of people known as your “support system”), having a “full life,” and working to repair brokenness in your spiritual and emotional life.


In this blog post, I want to focus on the idea of a “full life,” which Cloud and Townsend describe as including “spiritual growth, personal growth, vocational growth, altruistic service, hobbies, intellectual growth, and the like.” In part one of this series of singleness, I mentioned the importance of college, career, and ministry as places to put your time and focus while you are single. At this stage in my life, for example, I can be anything. I have so many opportunities, so many chances to take risks and explore and try out new things that I really wouldn’t have if I was married and settling down. College, especially, is like that. Here’s a time when you are almost on your own, where you can do so much. Think of this time in your life as an open horizon or blank page. It’s why I made my 30 before 30 list. It’s why I’m going to China this summer. It’s why I can stay up late writing blog posts (or get up early, in this case)!


Hint, hint: Living a “full life” makes you a more interesting person. It gives you things to do, so you’re not always on Facebook. It makes life worthwhile. It gives you opportunities to learn experientially and to practice what you’ve been learning. And think about it: Aren’t the people who do something with their lives a bit more attractive than those who sit around and eat potato chips?


Now, for some people, stress is something they hide behind. The more they are encouraged to do, the more they will take on, eventually overloading and harming themselves. Do not be that kind of person, but allow yourself to take risks and to try new things.


So, what are you doing with your life? A friend once asked, “If you could do anything and knew you could not fail, what would you do? And why aren’t you doing it?” I have always wanted to co-lead a small group at my college called a Barnabas Group. I will be able to apply to lead such a group towards the end of next semester and I’m really looking forward to it, although I am nervous about the application process and the actual leadership of a group of freshman. Likewise, I’m nervous about China this summer. Things have and are falling into place, so I know God’s got this, but it is still intimidating to go for something so challenging.


Yet, look at the other side, friends. After this summer (spending five weeks in Asia), and my junior year (hopefully co-leading a group of freshmen girls), what kind of person will emerge? A stronger, deeper, healthier, and more Christ-like person, that’s my prayer. I made a list a couple months ago of qualities I desired in my future husband, but also qualities that I would seek to reach as well. One such quality was the ability to attempt difficult things. Challenging things. Things like ministering overseas, but also things like becoming yourself.


I think too many of us are afraid of who really are, but like my psychology professor always says: “There must be a ‘me’ before there can be a ‘we’.”A Relevant Magazine article discusses the importance of singleness as it relates to your individuality: “Making the most of being single means being on your own. It’s just you and God. Being single is about discovering who you are, setting personal boundaries, knowing your likes and dislikes, your passions and the desires of your heart.”


Let me close with something God gave me over a year ago. My first semester of college, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before there was a guy in my life. I believe he gave me three ministry and life opportunities at that point in which to serve him through my singleness.


Recently I realized I do not have any of those three things in my life anymore. At first, I became upset and I wondered (completely selfishly) if God had somehow forgotten about me. Then I realized that either this meant God was moving me out of a stage of singleness or he was giving me new opportunities to serve him in my current season. Right now I’m going with the latter, and I’m finding hope in the fact that God doesn’t give us the next three or four steps for our lives at once. Usually, God opens one door at a time and sheds light on one stone in the pathway at once. This time, he’s giving me a trip to Asia this summer that I doubt I would take if I was in a serious relationship, among other things.


I’m also left wondering if I put a little too much emphasis on the “through me” part of God’s promise and forgot about the “in me” part. If I am not changed on the inside, molded to be more like him through the on-going process of sanctification, my outside actions are not going to look like him either. I also believe that your service, ministry, and vocation should come from what is inside you, meaning that what God wants to do in you is just as important as what he wants to do through you. Howard Thurman said, “Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”


If I’ve learned one thing recently, it’s that it is perfectly okay to need some time. It’s okay to ask God for help. It’s okay to need to spend some time working on your own heart. Let God begin to heal and restore you and stop fighting him. Ministering to others does not mean that you have to put God’s work in you on hold. Be moldable through your ministry.


Do something. Anything. Something challenging and maybe a bit risky. Something to benefit someone else. Love it and enjoy it. And grow closer and deeper in love with our amazing God. If it’s in his plans that you get married, you will, but better to do so while passionately in love with God, your friends, and your whole and full life, than desperate for someone to finally call your own.


Thanks for reading this three part blog series on singleness!
I have recently changed over to the new Blogger interface. Sorry about the huge line breaks - any help on how to change them would be appreciated. 

Learning From This Season

[This is part two of a three part series.]

During my one of two Old Testament classes in college, I studied 1 Samuel for the first time. Something I really enjoyed reading about was the movement from a theocracy to a monarchy in the nation of Israel in chapter eight.

Finally, all the elders of Israel met at Ramah to discuss the matter with Samuel. “Look,” they told him, “You are now old, and your sons are not like you. Give us a king to judge us like all the other nations have.”
Samuel was displeased with their request and went to the Lord for guidance. “Do everything they say to you,” the Lord replied, “for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don’t want me to be their king any longer. Ever since I brought them from Egypt they have continually abandoned me and followed other gods. And now they are giving you the same treatment. Do as they ask, but solemnly warn them about the way a king will reign over them.”

(1 Sam 8:4-9)

On first glance, this is a judge named Samuel being petitioned by his people to give them a king. However, after I continued to read and pay attention in class, I saw how some details from this circumstance could relate to singleness.

The idea of Israel being ruled by a king was not outrageous. Passages like Genesis 17:57, 35:11, and 49:10, among others, hint and anticipate at a “Theocratic Kingdom” in Israel’s future. Numbers 24:17 uses a synecdoche (English majors unite!) when it says that “a scepter will emerge from Israel.” I found this interesting, because the vast majority of my peers will get married. Most Christian college students do. I’ve also heard from a few friends who firmly believe they will get married, like one who told me that a lady she had met at a Christian camp came up to her one day and prayed specifically for her future husband. There is a kind of prophetic vision in both the incident with a king for Israel and a husband for my friend.

One reason not to date? Because “everyone else is doing it.” One of the two reasons given for Israel wanting a king is that “all the other nations have” one (v. 5). And let me tell you, to God, that’s not enough reason to want something. In addition, the people wanted a king who would fight for them in battles, although we know that God fought for them. Sometimes we need to realize that God can and is already filling the void we may think is empty without a significant other. God desires that we trust him and rely on him above and beyond the things we think we need, although we must not underestimate his power to provide.

Deuteronomy 17:14-15 says, “You are about to enter the land the Lord your God is giving you. When you take it over and settle there, you may think, ‘We should select a king to rule over us like the other nations around us.’ If this happens, be sure to select as king the man the Lord your God chooses…” The Israelites did just that. God made provision for his people to have a king. Depending on your views on free will, God caused or allowed Israel to desire a kingship and gave them the resources to go about getting one. That issue of desire is significant. I believe that God provides us with what we desire, but that he also creates in us the desire for certain things (Psalm 37:4). And I would say that the desire to date and get married is probably a desire God has given most of us, a desire God has placed in our hearts. All of that to say that desires are not wrong. (Yes, there are people called to singleness, but I believe God makes that clear to them.)

However, after reading verses seven and eight from 1 Samuel chapter 8, it seems as if it was wrong for the Israelites to desire a king. Those two verses are God telling Samuel to go ahead and give the Israelites a king, even though they are rejecting God and have abandoned him to follow other gods. Yet God still tells Samuel, even after Samuel questions God once more, to give the people what they are asking for. Is this hesitation on God’s part? I don’t think so. Yes, the Israelites were not doing a very good job at loving and worshipping their Redeemer and Rescuer, the Almighty God who led them out of Egypt. They went after other things in an attempt to be filled. But notice that God did provide a king for his people, a king he had chosen. I think this was God acting like the father he is. Matthew 7:11 says, “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.” God was aware that his children desired someone else to fill the “king” void that he was currently fulfilling for them, but I believe he wanted to give them a king.

Having a king did not make everything perfect for the Israelites. Getting married does not fix our problems, either. But the people of Israel chose a king God had ordained for them. We know that this king, Saul, was indwelled by the Holy Spirit (1 Sam 10:6) and that when David became king after Saul, the Holy Spirit indwelled him (1 Sam 16:12-14). Therefore, I believe it was God’s will that Israel have a king, even though they still had problems and issues. God had Samuel warn Israel about having a king and the difficulties that would arise out of a monarchy, and we should definitely consider the cost before dating and marrying. One thing this has taught me, though, is that while I should strive for wholeness, I don't have to be perfect to begin a relationship.

The difficult part comes in 1 Samuel 15:10, where it says that God was “sorry” he had made Saul king. The notes my professor gave us for the class state that “The people’s desire for a king was a mistake” and while I would hate to disagree with a PhD. (he’s a really nice guy, too), I have a hard time believing that desires can be “mistakes.” Desires can be sinful and acting on a sinful desire is wrong, but since God had made the provision for their future desire for a king and had not condemned the desire before (Deut 17:14), I would say that there was nothing wrong with this desire. In fact, the not-so-happy ending of Saul’s reign only made David’s reign something to look forward to and to enjoy that much more. Despite David’s sins, his rule was much more successful. Do not take this to mean that if you don’t like your spouse, you can get a divorce and marry another one (there are certainly Biblical grounds for divorce, although dislike is not one of them). Take it to mean that most people don’t marry the first person they date. And that's okay. My grandmother once told me I was practically required to date more than one guy. Since she only dated my grandpa, she was not as impressed and aware of his good qualities as she would have been if she had dated other guys who did not share those good qualities. She has a point, and it reminds me of something a friend once told me. After a difficult circumstance, she said, "Alex, God is just preparing you to be ready for the best."

The point of this post was to share what I learned about singleness from the story of the nation of Israel’s move from a theocracy to a monarchy: God's already got it figured out, "everyone else is doing it" is a bad reason, desires are not wrong, God is our father who gives us good things, marriage does not fix our problems (God wants to heal us), and don't settle for "okay," use it to be ready for the best. Strange that Israel's history would have comments on modern day singleness, huh?

Navigating This Season

[This is part one of a three part series.]

Maybe I’m just a biased, almost 20 year old college student, but none of these books or articles or websites or speakers on Christian singleness are really helping.

Last week, I found myself in the back of the library, sitting on a stepstool in the corner beside the “Devotional” section, hunched up and holding the book carefully so no who descended the stairs and rounded the corner could see the title. I held my breath whenever someone walked through the doorway to the stairs, hoping it wasn’t someone I knew. I spent an hour on that little stepstool (after I got my studying done, of course), reading books on chastity and singleness. It hasn’t been the easiest season of singleness recently, and I needed some kind of help that knew what it was talking about but wouldn’t judge and had time for me at 10:30 on a Sunday night. Enter the Christian experts shelved in my college’s library.

For the most part, I appreciated the comments. I found a good book by Lauren Winner, which I didn’t have time to read in its entirety. However, most of the books I located were published in the early 90’s (which isn’t surprising for my small college’s library), but I have a feeling things may have changed just a bit in the last 20 years.

Coming home for Christmas break, I found my huge collection of books I’ve loved, as well as those I just haven’t had time to read yet. In the want-to-read-but-haven’t-yet pile, I found many books, including the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (Harris) and “I Gave Dating a Chance” (Clark) dichotomy, as well as “Boundaries in Dating” and “Lady in Waiting,” not to mention my “Wild at Heart” and “Captivating” bookshelf back at school. So, why do I have all these books? Because the books from high school (like “Dateable”) aren’t cutting it for the college student I have become. Because if I’m honest with myself, marriage is no longer foreign and far away. Suddenly I find myself almost twenty and searching for a few answers.

Let me clue you in. This is what I’m looking at right now:

1. Being single, I can devote more of my time to ministry than to a boyfriend/husband/family (1 Corinthians 7:34)
2. This season of life can be used to plan for the next. There should be an enjoyment of this season with anticipation for the next season, but not a focus on it (Ecclesiastes 3).
3. The desire for dating and marriage is not inherently wrong, and I would do well to find a place to put it (more on that later) instead of stuffing it (Psalm 37:4, Song of Solomon).

That is what I believe. Yet, I find that many of the resources available and/or prized highly for Christian singles are not saying what we need to hear. Many of the Christian sources I found told me I just needed to be a stronger Christian or I needed to have more purity, and I would be okay until marriage. I heard the ever elusive “Don’t awaken love before its time” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4), but "love" has already been awake for a while. Let me give you another example: I gave away my copies of “Passion and Purity” and “When God Writes Your Love Story” because I was so upset at their messages. I got the impression that I should just sit here and wait for God to hang a flashing neon sign above the head of the guy I should marry. While that’s probably not what the authors were intending, that’s the message I got.

Elisabeth Elliot (author of Passion and Purity) praised the womanly virtue of patience, which seemed to me more like sitting here waiting for the guy God told we’re going get married finally come around to asking me. She admits in the book that her future husband (the first of three) even began “talking” to some girls at the college he attended while they were physically separated before their courtship began. I may be female, but I am not called to sit here in silence while he makes all the moves.

Note: I am not asserting any feminist tendencies here. This issue here is not about submission as a wife, but rather the concept that relationships take two people, not just a pursuing guy. Anyway, learning to submit to God, who loves me enough to die for me, has taught me some lessons that will be valuable in the future.

In the meantime, however, let me propose some places to “put” the desire for dating and marriage that I really feel neither our worldly culture nor our Christian culture has, for the most part, provided. I believe these places are healthy outlets and safe places for the Christian single.

• Friendships. Having healthy and positive relationships with both guys and girls has made singleness a good thing for me. We will need our friends before, during, and after dating relationships. And until that boyfriend becomes a fiancé, your girl friends come first any day. I would add that we need friends of both genders who are both single and taken, and we desperately need same-gender single friends to hold us accountable and provide support and encouragement (Ecclesiastes 4:12, Proverbs 27:17).

• College, Career, and Ministry. If one more person mentions going to college to her get MRS degree, I’m going to get really angry. Yes, it would be great to marry a guy who will graduate from such an awesome college as mine, but I have a life apart from marriage. I have a job I’m excited about and a future career into which I desire to invest. I have obligations here at college that I long to fulfill. Life is not about getting married and having kids, and although I desire that, I will not make it my aim. In addition, there are multiple ministry opportunities, places of service, jobs, and callings that are only available to single people, and we can minister in those capacities in our seasons of singleness (1 Corinthians 7:34).

• Preparation. I know I bashed many Christian singles books, but there are also some good ones. I would recommend “Boundaries in Dating” by Townsend and Cloud. In addition, people are usually better than books any day, so I would encourage you to go to other Christians, those who are single, dating, and married, and ask for advice and encouragement. A pastor once said that if you don’t start thinking and planning for marriage when you’re eighteen, it will probably be too late to start by the time you’re twenty-five. (Proverbs 16:9)

• God. “I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20). Have we forgotten how much God loves us? He is wooing us like a patient lover. Before you get all up in arms about singleness, return to God. Let him love you. Now, loving God does not always mean that your longing for a guy or girl will be eliminated. I believe that if God has not called you to singleness, you will still yearn to get married. But God provides fulfillment until he opens the door for marriage. Like a good father, he wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but he wants us to first be satisfied in him. (Psalm 37:4, Luke 11:13, 1 Samuel 8:4-9)

Finally, know that we were never meant to be alone and that the desires within you to date and get married are not wrong. They will never be wrong unless they take the place of God in your heart. Also know that loneliness is a possibility. I’ve felt so lonely at periods when I was surrounded by people. It takes a close Christian community and a growing relationship in Christ to combat loneliness. But never let loneliness force you into a relationship. Go into a relationship when there is a measure of wholeness, not out of your own brokenness.

Trust that God guides us on the best path (Psalm 32:8). After all of this, I still believe that God has a guy picked out for me, and me for him. And I believe that God knows what he’s doing when he works out circumstances and relationships the way he does.

After writing this entire post and going back over it multiple times over several days, one line from my devotional reading this morning really stuck out. It was about love being the true fellowship of two souls. I spent a while reading through 1 Corinthians 13 and I was convicted about the terrible job I’ve been doing at love. It’s easy to end a conversation with a friend with: “Bye, I love you!” But do I really love them?

I once heard a friend say that he felt like he had so much work to do on his heart and in his life before he could get married, because he didn’t think he was mature enough or Christ-like enough to love his wife and treat her right. When I heard that, I laughed, because I know we’ll never be “good enough” for anything, if that is our goal. But it started to make sense to me when I looked at what I could be doing so much better. Maybe God knows what he’s doing when he requires us to wait a seemingly long time for a romantic relationship. In our deep struggles connected with the opposite gender/love/families, there are issues we must work through on our own and there are issues we work through with our spouses. Maybe God’s “holding off” because I’m still working on me. Because He’s still working on me.

And that’s okay. In fact, it’s awesome. I still fall short, but God is in the process of restoring me. When his timing is right, a guy and I will end up running the race together and being perfected by God together. Jeramy Clark writes, “You’re running on your own, then one day you notice someone running next to you at the same pace and in the same direction. You can run together without hindrance because your course is the same."

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6 (NASB)

P.S. I welcome any suggestions for books and articles on this or any other subject.

Relationships... And Crazy People.

I struggled for a long time with how to introduce this post. On one hand, I am a die-hard introvert who struggles to make small talk and who has difficulty keeping up with lots of people. On the other, I love friends and community and challenges and deep dialogue. So, relationships are complicated for me, to put it simply.

This does not mean that they are not rewarding. The longer I’m at college, the more amazing relationships become. I mean, who would have thought that guy friends can be so cool? Or that the girls I shared a bathroom with would actually become young ladies I could cry with and laugh with. Or that a friend with a similar home situation would sob on my shoulder, and I on hers. Or that God would bless me with not one, but two awesome roommates. Or that a community would actually wrap their arms around me. I mean, really.

However, do not take this to mean that relationships are in any way easy. I mean, the fact that we have to work for them usually makes them as rewarding as they are. But they’re so difficult!

To paraphrase my friend who led Sunday School this morning, a relationship can be defined as a shared understanding between two people. This understanding involves expectations which we assume will be met by the other person. These expectations are 1) Care for each other (concern, acknowledgement, etc), as well as 2) Mutual intimacy through shared enjoyment of each other or a mutual interest, goal, principle, or activity. Basically, when either of the expectations are not met, there is a sudden rift and pain in the friendship. This pain is called shame.

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I want to focus specifically on a couple “pain” feelings I’ve dealt with recently.

For one, I recently got upset with my roommate. Long story short, I ended up washing three loads of dishes. I told a mutual friend that I was not going to wash the dishes and that I was leaving them for my roommate, but in the end I just couldn’t leave them. It was not my job to wash these dishes, I didn’t use them and they weren’t mine, but I washed them anyway. Why?

In the past, I have succumbed, I guess, to other people’s wishes. I blamed myself when things went wrong. I did more than my share of the group project. I drove to events or church or school even when I didn’t want to. I felt sick when there were confrontations or arguments between two other people around me. While I was washing the dishes tonight, I realized I was beating up myself. I kept saying “I should have made her wash the dishes. Maybe then she wouldn’t leave a pile. But what would Jesus do? Isn’t it right to lay down what I want for someone else? I know this isn’t the first time this has happened, but I’m a compassionate, forgiving person. Why, so I can let this happen again?” It was ridiculous. All that said, I washed the dishes.

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Secondly, an issue we talked about this morning is what I like to term “soul-disclosure.” It’s the act of disclosing not only information about yourself, but also the deeper things. When you meet someone and you talk about where you’re from, your family, what you do, that sort of stuff is self-disclosure. When you start talking about God, your testimony, your hopes and dreams, your doubts and fears, your wounds and compromises, and boundaries, things have shifted from self-disclosure to soul-disclosure.

From personal experience, I would say that all close relationships with our Christian brothers and sisters should be at a level of soul-disclosure, but the level of depth is up to you. A relationship of mine suffered and the friendship ended several weeks ago because there was a miscommunication about the expectations involved. You must be careful with soul-disclosure, because this is intimate stuff. The fear is that if we reveal a certain aspect of our souls, we will be rejected. That is why soul-disclosure must only be given when trust has been established. And even then, hurt can still happen.

This is where my pain comes from. With regards to soul-disclosure, the perfectly normal and good expectation was not met, and I experienced shame. It’s why I feel like I’m too much or not enough. And I’m still dealing with it – it doesn’t go away immediately by itself. But God is good. Because through this, he is refining me like gold through fire. He’s teaching me how to let him love me. But more on that later.

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In closing, I believe that we need each other. Greatly. The Christian community is so essential for the Christian. If for no other reason, go to church for the people.

With that said, I would invite you to make peace with Christian brothers or sisters you need to reconcile with. In the past few weeks, good friends have come to me and said, “I apologized to so-and-so” or “Hey, I got to talk with so-and-so” and it is amazing hearing their stories. The thing that has made life so much better for me the past year was forgiving my dad last March. So, if you’re waiting to make peace, here’s the encouragement.

I also encourage you to shake up the way you express love. For example, I often end conversations with “Love you!” or compliment a friend with “I love you!” While it’s wonderful to say that, and I am not lying, I feel as if few people really understand. I’ve decided I’m going to actually define “I love you” when I say it. This means that I’m going to be saying what I mean, however weird it sounds. “I enjoy spending time with you,” “I value your thoughts and feelings,” and “I’m here for you” are all ways to say “I love you” without the awkward connotations or confusion. It really clarifies what I actually feel. Now by all means, there is something significantly important to the words "I love you," but sometimes they need defining.

Finally, define love. And love the people around you. God's given them to you for a reason.

The Lord, My Husband

Hosea 2:14-16 and 19, speaking of God restoring the unfaithful nation of Israel:

'But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes,' says the Lord, 'you will call me "my husband" instead of "my master." .... I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.'

Can you say beautiful? Sinful, rebellious, unfaithful Israel, restored to her king and lover. And represented by Hosea marrying, and then returning to rescue multiple times, his adulterous wife. It's amazing.

I've been thinking recently about God as my lover or husband. It's kindof a strange idea, especially after so many Sunday School lessons where Jesus was presented as a best friend or Father-figure. When I moved up to high school ministry, the same presentation was applied. There was little mention, as far as I can remember, of Jesus being a lover. (Some of my pastors strayed away from Song of Solomon, too, if you get my gist.)

But God definitely is a lover. You can't read Hosea without seeing that. Last month, I wrote a post referencing a verse from Exodus in which Moses tells the Israelites that God is jealous for a relationship with them, his chosen people. In a later post, I reflected on God being jealous for a relationship with me. And you.

There's such a distinct connection between God's love and human love. Granted, God's love is always unconditional even when human love is not, but one helps to explain the other. An older friend once told me that she began to understand God's love for her more clearly as she experienced the love her husband had for her. It makes sense. Another friend explained relationships by saying that God gives us friendships and romantic relationships to illustrate and help us understand the relationship God wants to have with us. Since we can see and physically touch other people, our responses to them are typically more "natural" (although maybe that's the wrong word) than with God, whom we cannot see or touch. There is a physical metaphor to almost every spiritual occurrence (e.g. run the good race, warfare, discipline, etc) - and human relationships are a metaphor for our relationship with God.

Oddly enough, diving deeper into a connection like this with God has got me desiring a dating relationship. It seems strange that this enlightenment about God's love would reawaken my longing for love, but only until I realize that God created love. It's normal. It's good. How can the God of the universe who sent his only Son to die for me not inspire love? How can I respond to him in any other way but love, when I realize that while I was yet a sinner, steeped in filth, he loved me first and he rescued me simply because he wanted to, simply because he considered me valuable?

And that makes me desire something deep and beautiful: a dating relationship with a guy that is, of course, fun and affectionate, but is also genuine. Real and compassionate. Supportive, poetic, and ridiculously adventurous. Where God is so central and so overwhelming to the relationship that people watching us just can't help but feel Him. Where we are our own persons, but we become something stronger together. A relationship in which physical boundaries are tightly drawn. A relationship where I can stop trying, controlling, and wanting to manipulate, and just enjoy. A place where vulnerability is necessary and trust is required. Something with possibilities. Something that leads to marriage. I mean, dating that doesn't have the possibility of heading toward marriage is a bit pointless, don't you think?

Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Maybe that sort of thing doesn't happen anymore. Maybe it's just for movies. I looked up synonyms for "romantic," and alongside words like affectionate, amorous, and aphrodisiac, I saw impractical, unrealistic, unusual, and Utopian. But something in me, something deeply embedded in my soul, tells me that the love I desire is not impossible. It's confirmed by the beautiful heart of my Savior.

So, I'm waiting. But (cue John Waller), while I'm waiting, I'm not complaining. Okay, I'm not trying to complain... Haha. But it's not so much waiting as it is letting God have his way with me. What is God doing in me? Well, for one, he's showing me how faithful he is. He has been doing that since Easter, and I love watching him work as he reveals faithfulness after faithfulness. Another thing God is doing is showing me his love. He's pouring out love, through friends and experiences and moments like two nights ago when I just spent a while in surrender and worship and prayer. And I have realized that God is not finished yet. Every time I think he is, he draws me through another challenge just to convince that there's more I have yet to learn! And I'm learning what it means to get excited about those things God is about. I'm learning to listen to his heart and see people the way he sees them. And I have the freedom to do what he's asking without hesitation - I'm not tied to any guy... which is both a humbling and freeing thought.

The Lord is my husband, my Savior, my lover. I'm excited about knowing and loving him as such, even though I have no idea how to do it. But I am learning, ever so slowly. And God is working. I am overwhelmed only by His love.

Growing Up and Falling in Love

This past week was so much fun and such a time of challenge for me. When I applied and interviewed to become one of the counselors at a summer camp held at my college, I didn't think I would make it. The position was for one week in July and on a completely volunteer basis, but I anticipated many of my fellow college students jumping on the chance to serve. I decided to sign up anyway, because something simply encouraged me onward.

I was met with a small group of friends who were also applying to serve and just enough positions for me to become a member of the team. I was surprised. What can I offer? Why did God choose me to spend a week with misfit teenagers and their youth pastors? I have never been a counselor or RA or youth leader before. I attended a few summer camps in elementary and middle school and I went on a mission trip to John's Island, SC every summer during high school. But, honestly, what advantage do I have?

God does not call the equipped. He equips the called.

Well, obviously. That one kindof hit me over the head. God wanted to do something this past week and he wanted to use me. It's that simple. I didn't have anything special, other than a willingness to be used by God. That's all it takes.

I believe that God wants to use us when we have little to nothing to offer, and that's cool because it shows us that God is working and we are just letting him work. It shows us that awesome stuff is not happening because of us, but because of God, and this gives us more reason to praise him. However, and this is cool to me, God isn't finished with us yet. Philippians 1:6 says,

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

You may have heard Mandisa's new song, Stronger, which encourages us to keep going because the pain we face is only making us stronger. She sings, "'Cause if [God] started this work in your life, He will be faithful to complete it, if only you believe it."

Yes, God wants to use us when we are broken and nothing and lacking and empty, but he also wants to grow us. He is the business of fixing broken hearts and renewing lives and growing us spiritually and emotionally. He is going to finish the good work he began in us by using us in places we think we could never be used and by asking us to minister and serve to people we never thought we would be able to serve. And through these opportunities, he teaches us lessons and rescues our hearts and restores us.

That's what happened this week. I was a little bit apprehensive, I guess, since I really did not know what to expect. But overall, I was not nervous. I was ready to meet the teenagers I would spend a week with, because I wanted to minister to them. But I ended up being ministered to much more. Not only was worship amazing and the messages fantastic, but I was surrounded by an awesome group of friends who were happy to see me every morning. They made my day more than once. In fact, one night, while patrolling the campus during Capture the Flag, I had an amazingly awesome talk with a friend of mine named Nancy. I had been struggling with some really stupid thoughts and emotions, like jealousy, envy, and guilt, and Nancy really set me straight that night. She reminded me to be content, and to question why I'm satisfied with not finding my contentment in God. In God's Word Translation, 1 Timothy 6:6-7 says,

A godly life brings huge profits to people who are content with what they have. We didn’t bring anything into the world, and we can’t take anything out of it.

Am I living for Christ, imitating him in everything I do? Because that is contentment. And once again, I ponder what it means to be satisfied in God.

Through that conversation with Nancy and other wonderful conversations and interactions with other good friends, like Jessie and Kyle and Erin, I began to see once again God's love for me. God's relentless pursuit of me. It finally clicked yesterday morning as I was finishing the book of Exodus and slugging through commandment after commandment. I was getting tired when I found this verse, tucked away beside something about the Ark of the Covenant....

You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.

It's Exodus 34:14. And I can't help but be amazed by it. God is jealous. God is jealous for attention and adoration. And also: God is jealous about his relationship with me. (Me!) It could also be worded: God is jealous for a relationship with me. I think I've realized that growing up is a lifelong process. You don't just wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm all grown up now." No, we are constantly learning new things and developing into new people. And part of my growing up is that affirmation that God is not only my friend, my father, my comforter, and my Savior, but that he is my lover. He is jealous for our relationship.

If I can have a regret from this week, it's that I didn't reach out more. With God's love bubbling in me, I wish I could have stayed up until 3 in the morning with the girls on my hall. I wish I had sat with different people a bit more during meals. I could have gone a little farther, opened up a little more, when talking with kids about Jesus. I could have instigated those conversations about God, instead of waiting for them to happen. And yet, the good news is that there is more time. God is still working. Great things happened and great things are still to happen. God knows what he's doing and he is bringing everything about in his timing and within his plans.

Finally, I want you to know that God loves you. And when we're little kids, it's fine to say that God's our friend or Dad and he is looking out for us. But as I'm growing up, I'm seeing that God loves me like a faithful husband loves his wife (see Hosea 2:20). It's that real and practical and obvious and even emotional. I want to close with a quote from a book I have yet to read, but I have heard many good things about.

The following quote describes what a romantic relationship should look like from a Christian perspective. See, one of the things that bothered me this past week was that I was the only female counselor who was not dating, taken, or otherwise pursuing a relationship. It drove me crazy for a while. (Have you ever asked, "What is wrong with me?") I will be the first to tell younger girls that they don't need a boyfriend or to encourage a friend who is struggling with her singleness, but I tend to secretly struggle very deeply with my singleness. To be honest, I hate this struggle with a passion. I hate the fear I encounter when I feel alone. I hate the guilty feeling I get when I am uncomfortable with being single. I hate the doubting and questioning that seems to overwhelm me. And broaching this subject is a scary place, because I feel weak when I talk about it. But know this, my heart, know this, my friend, God loves you. He is jealous for a relationship with you. He yearns to be desired by you. Does that make the desire to date go away? Probably not. But for me, it makes the fear subside and the guilt diminish. It makes my heart stop hiding. It makes my eyes see God in more places and my ears a little more attuned to his voice. It makes my soul cease questioning, if only for a few moments of sunshine. It makes me realize what I'm looking for in a guy and keep my emotions from swaying me too far. And, in the end, it allows me to fall in love with Jesus. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true. Okay, here's the quote...

One day she will be running in her lane, relentlessly in pursuit of Jesus, looking ahead and not around, when all of a sudden she will hear him approaching. If he is the one, she will not have to stop running or change her pace, and she won't have to look behind her, because before she knows it, he will be running alongside her. He will grab her hand and they will finish the good race together.

Excerpted from A Man Worth Waiting For, by Jackie Kendall

All of this to say... I realized this week that I'm growing up and falling in love. And its beautiful.

The One Thing Not On The List

A friend and I were speaking recently about our dreams and goals for the future. I am definitely a goal-setter and I've become more of a "goal-reacher" since I've gone to college. Anyway, I told this friend about the list I'm making of all the things I want to do in the next 10 and 1/2 years. Eventually, I want to complete thirty goals before I turn thirty. So, my friend immediately told me the goal that would be number one on her list: Getting married.

Ironically, that was the one thing I decided not to put on my list.

I've wrestled with the idea of marriage for a long time. I guess since I was 13, when I wrote the first letter to my future husband. That was also the year my mom gave me a purity ring and I made the decision to save my first kiss for my fiance. Since then, dating and marriage have been familiar, yet strangely foreign, topics to me. Like knowing how to cook, but never having cooked yourself. You might know the steps to making scrambled eggs, but it takes experience to get it right.

Of the little experience I have with guys, I feel like it's all been a big mess. I know that I have grown a lot because of the icky and awkward situations I have dealt with and I know that they have prepared me for what is to come. But that doesn't change the fact that they were still icky and awkward and often painful situations. Yet after all of that awkwardness, I've still had comparatively little experience. I have yet to enter a dating relationship. It's a little disheartening.

I'm torn between two thoughts: I'm nineteen and I still have the rest of my life to find a great guy, get married, have kids, and settle down and I'm a college sophomore, the chances of meeting a guy after college are small and I want to get married so I can have kids before I'm thirty.

But the honest-to-goodness fact is that I can't control my love life. I can't make anyone like me. I can't manufacture an awesome guy and waltz him right on into my life at the perfect time. It doesn't work like that. Relationships are one of those things with which we must trust God. That does not mean I'm called to be an indifferent, uncaring, boring, turtleneck-wearing, nun... you get the picture. So, yeah, my list of 30 things to do before I'm 30 currently does not include anything that would require a man by my side. I'm not finished writing it yet, so that may change later. Right now it simply includes things I want to do for me and others before I reach the big "3-oh." I have time. I have a little less than 11 years.

Does this mean that if, within the next 11 years, God brings my future husband into my life, I can't marry him? Of course not. It simply means that I'm not going to put a time limit on God's schedule for my life. I'm not going to tell God that he has to work within these parameters and this calendar. I'm going to let God have his way with me. And if his way is that I live in a shack in the middle of India when I'm thirty, where I can't own a piano, open a long-term savings account, or any of the other things on my list (excluding visit more countries or go on another mission trip), then so be it. Because his plans are going to be so much better than mine.

On the other hand, just because I'm letting God take control, that doesn't mean I don't care. I was visiting a church for a service for college-aged young adults. The topic for the night was marriage and someone asked, "I'm 18. Why do I need to talk about marriage now?" The pastor answered, "Because if you wait until you're twenty-five, it will be too late." God's got a plan and I'm going to pray hard and prepare diligently (and let myself be prepared) so I'll be ready for what he has for me and even for what Satan throws me at me.

This means that whether I start dating in two months or in two years, or whether I get married in five years or in fifteen years, God is still in control. And that's why I'm not putting it on my list. Because God is still in control. And with something as big as marriage, I don't want to jeopardize God's plan with my desire to beat a timeline.

Oh, The Promises

I would never do you wrong or let you down or lead you on.

- Lifehouse

I will never cross the line. I won't tell you any lies. I was sent here for the rescue.

- Tyler Ward

A girl like you is impossible to find. ... Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep.

- Secondhand Serenade

I never knew that I could love someone the way that I love you.

- Ben Rector

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again.

- Anberlin (originally by The Cure)

They say that emotional arousal/attachment is the pornography of women. Romantic fantasies. Chick flicks. Yep. We get the twisted idea that all guys should be like that. We get all excited. Heart starts racing, mind starts inventing all kinds of things that were never there. Don't lie to me, you do it too.

I guess now is the time to confess my guilty pleasure... These songs. These promises sung oh-so-sweetly. Seriously, I know these songs are sung appropriately - mostly with pure intentions. One of the quotes I even took out of context to prove my point. But I like all of these songs. Some of them have played on my iTunes as I'm writing this.

Ladies, because our minds are filled with "images" of the perfect guy (or of what he says), we tend to attach song lyrics and movie lines and emotions to our boyfriends, interests, crushes, and guy friends. It could be disastrous, for a couple reasons.

1. He could be saying or doing those romantic things he does just to keep us and get us to do things for him (Guys give love to get sex, girls give sex to get love.)
2. We could be forcing what we want onto the relationship, thinking there's more going on than there actually is.

I will confess, I'm probably too cynical for my own good. I don't want to be hurt again. But it's really ridiculous that I'm always concerned a guy has ulterior motives. Yeah, I will admit: guys are stupid. (In reality, girls aren't that smart, either.) But, honestly - do guys really mean what they say? Or maybe the better question is: do they mean it the way girls think they mean it? I guess as girls we attach code to everything. Maybe to a guy "I enjoy talking with you" really just means "I enjoy talking with you," for goodness' sake!

Maybe we should all just listen to Foreign Language and call it a day?

Unfortunately, no. Haha. I'll tell you what I know. Please comment if you'd like to add anything.

• Guys like to promise great and outrageous things to the people they love.
• But, guys... The problem is that the girl will remember everything you tell her. Everything. And she will hold you to it, which means she's stuck to you. Bad idea. (Exception: The good news is that making a statement like that to your wife or long-term girlfriend can be good - you are offering her your strength. She will admire that. Do not fail her or she will kill you, though.)
• Girls, not only should you take care to guard your heart around guys (by not freely giving of it to be mishandled), you should also guard your heart around music or fashion or magazines or books or movies. Whatever floats your boat. Guard your heart around it. Be careful with it.
• Finally, ask God for strength. Guys, ask God to guide and direct your steps around the impressionable young ladies you interact with. You may need to be up front and honest about your plans for the future of the relationship. You may need to reevaluate the things you say to her. Girls, ask God to guide and direct your steps around the young men you interact with. Don't put more on them than they can handle. And don't rush what God's doing.

Finally, know that God's romance story for your life is so much better than anything Nicholas Sparks could have ever written.

Great and Wonderful Things

Sometimes it's really easy to get angry at God for where we find ourselves. We look around and see things that are totally different from what we anticipated, and what do we do? We get angry and frustrated at God. We blame him for setting us up in a situation or at a place or with people we don't prefer.

And you know what? It's really ridiculous to think like that. Believe me, I've done it a million times. But why? Why don't we look for the positives? Why don't we look for what God is actually doing?

It's so easy, especially as college students, to look around see people in relationships, getting engaged and getting married, and become slightly depressed with that fact that we are not dating. Honestly, I hate to keep harping on this issue. But if I had a dollar for every conversation I've had in the past few weeks about relationships, both good and bad, I bet wouldn't even have to take out student loans!

Okay, maybe that was a hyperbole, but you get the point. Just stop with me and consider that maybe God has an unbelievable plan and purpose for you - and one of the qualities he might use to bring about his plan is your singleness. It's not crazy, it's practical. He did the same sort thing to prepare the world for the sending of his Son. Do you think it's any coincidence that the vast expanse of the Mediterrian world was controlled by one power (Rome), generally spoke the same language, had a huge transportation system, and began to accept Judaism as the legal religion about the same time that Jesus was born?

For example, last semester, God said to me: I want to do great and wonderful things in you and through you before there's a guy in your life. When I asked God to show me what those were, he put multiple things in my path, such as leading a Bible Study for the girls in my dorm, co-leading a student group on campus, starting my student ministry with the church, and multiple other ways I could get involved on campus and in my community - that I could do very efficiently while I'm single. God answered that prayer of mine with a very distinct answer. He gave me a reason to have faith, to believe in what I can't see, specifically that he has a plan for my life. He wants to use me to further his kingdom. And while it may seem like I'm a lonely single lady, God is really doing something beautiful in my life. The loveliest part of it is that he's using me to reach others. How amazing is that?

And guess what? He wants to use you, too. Exactly where you are.

Patience Is a Virtue

"The kind of guys who would go after you your first semester [or first year of college] are not the kind of guys you should date and marry." - My Lovely RA

Believe me, it feels good to be approached by a guy first semester freshman year of college (or even high school) and realize he's paying attention to you. I'm not going to lie and tell you that attraction is bad or wrong. It's normal. And granted, we all like people to notice us.

However, with the entering of college or high school that first semester, suddenly you are surrounded by so many new people. There are a lot of new things to experience, new people to meet, new friends to get to know, new things to do. My advice is to put off dating. For a long while.

When they say patience is a virtue, they aren't lying. To tell you the truth, I've never heard someone say, "Yeah, we waited until we knew each other better or whatever before we started dating and it was the worst decision we ever made." Who says that? If anything, it's typically a positive to wait.

Wait for how long and for what? I don't want to give specific details, since, well, I've never been there, but typically, if you've been in a relationship before, you should wait before you get in another relationship the length of time of your last relationship. If you were dating someone for 6 months, you should probably wait at least 6 months before dating again. If you haven't been in a relationship before, I'd say you should know the person 6 months to a year (And I'd really push a year) before entering into an exclusive dating relationship. Obviously, group dating/outings are different.

Someone wise once told me, "You should never date until you're happy being single." Which, actually, is the over-arching point of this entire blog-post. If you're out there visibly looking for a significant other, if you found the perfect guy or girl who makes you feel happy... Not exactly a prime reason to begin a relationship. In addition, I just want to remind you that singleness is a beautiful gift as well. Allow God to do something great and lovely in you and through you before have a guy/girl in your life.

I don't know if I'm just vastly old-fashioned, but I love the idea of being a lady in waiting, having what Proverbs 11:16 (in the Message) describes as "gentle grace". None of this flirtatious, go-ask-the-guy-out-because-he's-too-much-of-a-pansy stuff. Guys are called to be men. I don't know how much you believe that.

But there's something that girls, especially some around me, have forgotten. Being a man does not mean that a guy should ask you out immediately. Girls get so tired of waiting on guys to do the asking, but imagine what would happen if he asked too quickly or never left you alone. There's something more beautiful, more manly, even, in a guy giving a girl he happens to like a little more space, in "casually" bumping into her at the cafeteria, for example. By all means, there is a time to make your intentions known - it's typically called the "defining the relationship talk" - and it's different from asking her on a date. But that time does not need to happen as soon as you meet her.

There's an anonymous quote that is used to compare relationships to grains of sand. If you've ever held a handful of sad tightly in your fist, you know what I mean...

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be.

I know it sounds anti-pop culture, or whatever, but it's true. The greatest test to see if something if really for you is if you let it go and it doesn't go away. To apply this, if you stop trying to control a relationship and let God do the writing of your story, it's actually going to work out the way God desires and has planned. Believe me, it does. God has a plan and a purpose for you and your love life. Take the risk to believe it.

Please don't get wrong, I am not condemning or ridiculing those who have begun dating relationships, even Freshman year. I am simply offering advice, wisdom, and encouragement to those who haven't entered these relationships and/or will face the opportunity soon.

God Has You Where He Wants You

Okay, so let's say that you are living in such a way to honor God. You're loving on people, you're spending time in the Word, you're attending a church and investing into the lives in Christians around you... But you want something else. Maybe you want money, a car, a job, to get married, to finally graduate school, to get a certain grade, a certain friend, a certain experience, a dating relationship, to be accepted or admired, or a physical possession. So, what is it?

What if I told you that God has you where you wants you? God has placed you in the life situation you find yourself for a purpose and a reason. It sounds cliche, but roll with me. For example, with regards to dating, I realized last week that I'm excited to date and get married. But not yet! Because there are so many wonderful, world-changing things God wants to do in me and through me before there's a guy in my life. Maybe it's hard for you to see it like that. But just consider something you want to do with your life that would be difficult to do with a family. I want to serve a year with an organization called "City Year" in either Atlanta or Columbia, which would be really difficult to do if I'm married. Just take a moment to consider that, and ask God to show you what He wants to do through you when you're single.

If you're dating or otherwise involved with a significant other, ask God for his direction, ask God for his provision, and ask him what He can do through your relationship.

LeCrae sings (er... raps), "See, your money, your singleness, marriage, talents, your time / They were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is divine". See, wherever you are in life, God is working. Whether single or dating, young or old, in high school, college or the workplace. God has you where you wants you. Give him everything you are and have and ask Him to show you how He can love others through you.

Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches.

(1 Corinthians 7:17)

A Call to Purity

Finally, dear brothers and sisters, we urge you in the name of the Lord Jesus to live in a way that pleases God, as we have taught you. You live this way already, and we encourage you to do so even more. For you remember what we taught you by the authority of the Lord Jesus.

God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways. Never harm or cheat a Christian brother in this matter by violating his wife, for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before. God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.

But we don’t need to write to you about the importance of loving each other, for God himself has taught you to love one another. Indeed, you already show your love for all the believers throughout Macedonia. Even so, dear brothers and sisters, we urge you to love them even more.

- 1st Thessalonians 4:1-10

Okay, I don't know if you actually read those verses or just skipped ahead, but go back and read it. Or, if you did read it, go read it again. I want you to get it.

Got it? Good. Now let's talk.

Because of where we're from or how we were raised, we may have varying interpretations of the meaning of the word "purity". For some, that means no sex before marriage. For others, it means modesty. For others, it refers to wearing turtleneck sweaters and ankle-length skirts and long-sleeve button-up shirts and not being able to stand within two feet of someone of the other gender. But what does purity really mean?

I don't know about you, but I've got a very high standard for purity. We can talk about the specifics later, but in general, I hold purity in a high regard. Purity is to be valued as living a holy life. Verse 3 from Thessalonians chapter 4 says that we should avoid sexual sin, not so we will not have fun or experience pleasure in this life, but so that we will live within God's will for us, which is that we be holy. Holy means "set apart" and refers to us, as Christians, being and behaving differently than the world, so that God can use us for his purposes. Sexual sins are sins against our own bodies, yet God paid a high price for us and desires that we not only honor him with our bodies, but also give him our bodies as living sacrifices (1 Corinthians 6:18-20, Romans 12:2). Overall, I believe that when our hearts and minds are focused firmly on Christ and his love, our relationships tend to model that. Instead of a relationship that is centered on what we desire, or centered on the other person and what they do, our relationships should be wholly about Christ, about genuinely loving those God's placed in our lives, whether friends or boyfriends/girlfriends.

Realistically, there are practical steps to embrace a lifestyle of purity. We see one very evident in verse 6, "Never harm or cheat a Christian brother in this matter by violating his wife...". Few of you are married, but consider the implications of this verse. In most cases, young adults date many people before getting married. It's a little of bit of an imagination stretch, but consider the people you have liked and may date but won't marry. They are someone else's wife or husband. I read a story about a youth pastor who asked a dating couple who had been all over each during youth group to stay after and talk with him. He asked the guy, "Are you ready to marry this girl right now?" The guy responded, "No." And the pastor asked, "So why are you touching another man's wife?" Sure, it may seem a bit extreme. But it's the truth. Until you actually are married, you don't know if you will get married. Why take the risk of giving of yourself too much emotionally or physically before marriage?

The passage in 1 Thessalonians concludes by urging the Christians to love. In reality, we prize purity out of love: love for our brothers and sisters in Christ, love for our friends and acquaintances, love for our future and current dating relationships, love for our future spouses. Love means putting the other person first. It means asking, "What can I do for you?". Paul tells us that we cannot love too much - so keep on loving more and more!

Finally, know that every dating relationship ends. It will not last. (I know it's hard to fathom, but roll with me here.) When it ends, what do you want to be left with? If we maintain purity now, we will be left with purity and some sweet memories, and yes, maybe some heartache. But I tell you the truth, you will not regret maintaining a high level of purity in your relationships even now.

See, the purpose of living a pure life is so that God can use us. Allow me to shake things up for you: Being pure for marriage is wonderful. But it should not be our goal. It should be a by-product of our goal, which is loving God and loving others.

If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work. Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.

- 2 Timothy 2:21-22

Sometimes I Feel Like a Mess

But, you know what? It's okay! Because when I'm broken and desperate and needy, that is when I realize my need for God. That is when I realize how I'm going nowhere without him. In the New Living Translation, Matthew 5:3 reads, "God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs." It's okay to struggle and it's good to realize that we don't and won't have it all together, because through that we come to understand how great and powerful and forgiving and holy and accepting of us God really is. So, run to him and climb up in his lap and love him and receive his love for you! Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

Along those same lines, I often find myself going through life searching for the next "thing", the next "high", if you will. For many people, life is just a series of events strung one after the other. It follows that "living for the weekend" mindset that you may have noticed in high school or college: life consists of planning parties for next weekend and 'recovering' from parties last weekend.

We even see this in the Christian life. We think that we are truly Christians, or that we're doing it right, during those moments of high intensity in our Christian walk. There's this subconsious idea that, as Christians, those moments where we are completely on fire for God and we see God everywhere are better or "right" and that those times of living in the valley and struggling to see God are not "Christian" or are "wrong". But we forget that life can't lived on an emotional high everyday. We need moments of peace. Also, God may be using the times when you don't necessarily "feel" him as an opportunity to prepare you for something better in life. For example, for me personally, I can see how God is using this moment of singleness (even when being single hurts!) to prepare me for his future for me in regards to dating and marriage. I've learned so much through the struggles that I truly would not trade it for anything.

My friend Tori said it well when she said, "God is just preparing you to be ready for the best." If it's not the best, then it's not from God - and God's "best" usually looks different than mine! Hold out for God's best, trust that he knows what he's doing (because he does!), and use today to learn something. What is God trying to teach you through this experience?

Finally, have patience. Josh Wilson sings, "My friend, you know how this all ends and you know where you're going, you just don't know how you'll get there. So say a prayer. And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God. Life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture." And he's right - it's going to take time, but press on. God loves you and he has a good and perfect plan for your life and he will never fail you.

Maybe there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring better ending. Someday, somehow, you'll see.

- "Before the Morning", by: Josh Wilson

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

- Zephaniah 3:17