Leaving It Behind

Hebrews 12:1 says: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

Happy May, everyone! I am officially finished with my sophomore year of college! I cannot believe how fast time flies.

If I could describe this year or even this past semester in one phrase, it would be “Coming to Terms.” I have spent my sophomore year coming to terms with my past, dealing with of crap, and learning to move on. I wish I could say I am now perfectly healed and whole, but that’s not entirely true. Yes, God has redeemed and ransomed me, and I am not who I was, but I still have a very long way to go. The cool part is that God has me where he wants me, and I’m sure of that now.

As part of this whole “coming to terms” thing, I shared a part of my testimony at the end of March with the ladies in my dorm. The entire experience was absolutely great - God had his hand in it the whole time. As part of the testimony night, everyone who shared painted, drew, or chalked key phrases from their testimonies on a piece of cardboard. Each lady’s cardboard testimony had a “before” side and an “after” side, describing her struggles on one side and her hope or change on the other.

After the evening, I put my cardboard testimony on the shelf above my desk where I could see it every time I walked in my room. The “after” side faced out, which was really encouraging. Yesterday, when I finished packing up and preparing to head home, I found myself unsure about what to do with my piece of cardboard. I knew I could fit it in my car, but I also knew that it would be hassle to squeeze it in somehow. And what am I going to do with a piece of painted cardboard?

I debated quickly whether to throw it away or to keep it, and the pack rat in me lost. But as I threw the rectangle cardboard testimony into the dirty and rusty garbage dumpster behind my dorm, I felt like I was leaving that pain and that sin behind. It was like a weight was being lifted. Suddenly, a portion of the guilt that I thought could never leave began to melt and crack a little.

So I left my sin in the dumpster. Eventually, a dump truck will come by and carry my cardboard testimony to a landfill miles away. It’s virtually gone forever. I promise I am still coming to terms. I promise I am still dealing with guilt, shame, and mistakes. I promise I will still struggle. But I know that I know that God has forgiven me. I don’t have to fight anymore. God is here.

Even before the word “Emmanuel” was used for Jesus to mean “God with us,” a name for God translated Jehovah Shammah was used. It means “The Lord is there.” Not only is this phrase the final words of the book of Ezekiel (48:35), but it is repeated multiple times in the Old Testament. It is used in reference to Jerusalem, as the Lord is living among his people in Israel.

I heard about Jehovah Shammah a while ago, but when I was coming to terms with feelings of loneliness, I began researching the name again. To learn that this name refers to the city of Jerusalem makes me want to cry with joy. See, when I shared my testimony in March, I quoted Isaiah 62:4 about God’s restoration of the city of Jerusalem. I mentioned it because I like to compare the broken and hurting woman to the broken and hurting city of Jerusalem during the times of captivity or warfare. Thus, just as God came for Jerusalem to heal her and rescue her, so God does the same for women (and men, too).

How beautiful is it to know that the same God who calls Jerusalem by a new name in Isaiah 62:4 because he is restoring her is the same God who then dwells in Jerusalem and calls himself Jehovah Shammah because he is there in that city with his bride. I believe that God is also calling himself Jehovah Shammah with us, his children. I left that sin behind in a landfill in some county in North Georgia, but God is here. Sometimes that’s all I know, and it is more than enough.

What I'm listening to...

"Million Pieces" - Newsboys

"Oh My Dear" - Tenth Avenue North

Singleness of Heart

I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently. About how messy they are, how our relationship with God affects other relationships and how other relationships affect our relationship with God, how people shape our lives, for better or for worse. I love seeing the parallels between my relationship with God and the relationship involved in marriage. It's absolutely beautiful.

Along the same lines, remember back two months ago when I first shared about a calling God had given me? (If not, you can read about it here.) Recently, God shook that up a little bit. He whispered to me that maybe it wasn't so much about singleness of relationship status as it was about singleness of heart.

When the people return to their homeland, they will remove every trace of their vile images and detestable idols. And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, so they will obey my decrees and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.

(Ezekiel 11:18-20)

This passage from Ezekiel is describing the Jewish people returning to Jerusalem after the exile. God tells Ezekiel that the people will give up their idolatry. God says that he will bring his people back to focusing on him spiritually and legally. Therefore, singleness of heart means to get rid of anything that even so much as threatens God's place in your life. Anything that breaks that first commandment is out. 

Interestingly, the passage also talks about having a tender and responsive heart. Ladies who are struggling with their emotions tend to think that if only they could just be strong and not weak, they wouldn't succumb to their emotions. Legalistic people often think they are never firm enough and that's why they can't keep their obligations. The fact is that being gentle, tender, open, whatever word you want to use, is good. It's good to be willing to let God use you, to be available to his calling, to let yourself melt when he pursues you. It's good to allow yourself to be responsive to God. 

Friends, are we walking with the Lord so closely that we are devoted to him like a bride is devoted to her soon-to-husband? Are we so patiently listening for his will and so captivated by his words that we will let ourselves be pursued?

God loves you. A ton. He died for you! And the point I'm making is that because he is so awesome and so great, we are called to praise him. One beautiful way to praise him is to allow only Him in our hearts at one time.

It's called singleness of heart. It means that while I don't know what God is doing in my love life and I probably won't want to know, I'm still seeking with everything, and maybe a little more than everything. Do I do it perfect? Nope. Anything but. But I know that God is faithful and that he loves us. No matter what.

Learning From This Season

[This is part two of a three part series.]

During my one of two Old Testament classes in college, I studied 1 Samuel for the first time. Something I really enjoyed reading about was the movement from a theocracy to a monarchy in the nation of Israel in chapter eight.

Finally, all the elders of Israel met at Ramah to discuss the matter with Samuel. “Look,” they told him, “You are now old, and your sons are not like you. Give us a king to judge us like all the other nations have.”
Samuel was displeased with their request and went to the Lord for guidance. “Do everything they say to you,” the Lord replied, “for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don’t want me to be their king any longer. Ever since I brought them from Egypt they have continually abandoned me and followed other gods. And now they are giving you the same treatment. Do as they ask, but solemnly warn them about the way a king will reign over them.”

(1 Sam 8:4-9)

On first glance, this is a judge named Samuel being petitioned by his people to give them a king. However, after I continued to read and pay attention in class, I saw how some details from this circumstance could relate to singleness.

The idea of Israel being ruled by a king was not outrageous. Passages like Genesis 17:57, 35:11, and 49:10, among others, hint and anticipate at a “Theocratic Kingdom” in Israel’s future. Numbers 24:17 uses a synecdoche (English majors unite!) when it says that “a scepter will emerge from Israel.” I found this interesting, because the vast majority of my peers will get married. Most Christian college students do. I’ve also heard from a few friends who firmly believe they will get married, like one who told me that a lady she had met at a Christian camp came up to her one day and prayed specifically for her future husband. There is a kind of prophetic vision in both the incident with a king for Israel and a husband for my friend.

One reason not to date? Because “everyone else is doing it.” One of the two reasons given for Israel wanting a king is that “all the other nations have” one (v. 5). And let me tell you, to God, that’s not enough reason to want something. In addition, the people wanted a king who would fight for them in battles, although we know that God fought for them. Sometimes we need to realize that God can and is already filling the void we may think is empty without a significant other. God desires that we trust him and rely on him above and beyond the things we think we need, although we must not underestimate his power to provide.

Deuteronomy 17:14-15 says, “You are about to enter the land the Lord your God is giving you. When you take it over and settle there, you may think, ‘We should select a king to rule over us like the other nations around us.’ If this happens, be sure to select as king the man the Lord your God chooses…” The Israelites did just that. God made provision for his people to have a king. Depending on your views on free will, God caused or allowed Israel to desire a kingship and gave them the resources to go about getting one. That issue of desire is significant. I believe that God provides us with what we desire, but that he also creates in us the desire for certain things (Psalm 37:4). And I would say that the desire to date and get married is probably a desire God has given most of us, a desire God has placed in our hearts. All of that to say that desires are not wrong. (Yes, there are people called to singleness, but I believe God makes that clear to them.)

However, after reading verses seven and eight from 1 Samuel chapter 8, it seems as if it was wrong for the Israelites to desire a king. Those two verses are God telling Samuel to go ahead and give the Israelites a king, even though they are rejecting God and have abandoned him to follow other gods. Yet God still tells Samuel, even after Samuel questions God once more, to give the people what they are asking for. Is this hesitation on God’s part? I don’t think so. Yes, the Israelites were not doing a very good job at loving and worshipping their Redeemer and Rescuer, the Almighty God who led them out of Egypt. They went after other things in an attempt to be filled. But notice that God did provide a king for his people, a king he had chosen. I think this was God acting like the father he is. Matthew 7:11 says, “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.” God was aware that his children desired someone else to fill the “king” void that he was currently fulfilling for them, but I believe he wanted to give them a king.

Having a king did not make everything perfect for the Israelites. Getting married does not fix our problems, either. But the people of Israel chose a king God had ordained for them. We know that this king, Saul, was indwelled by the Holy Spirit (1 Sam 10:6) and that when David became king after Saul, the Holy Spirit indwelled him (1 Sam 16:12-14). Therefore, I believe it was God’s will that Israel have a king, even though they still had problems and issues. God had Samuel warn Israel about having a king and the difficulties that would arise out of a monarchy, and we should definitely consider the cost before dating and marrying. One thing this has taught me, though, is that while I should strive for wholeness, I don't have to be perfect to begin a relationship.

The difficult part comes in 1 Samuel 15:10, where it says that God was “sorry” he had made Saul king. The notes my professor gave us for the class state that “The people’s desire for a king was a mistake” and while I would hate to disagree with a PhD. (he’s a really nice guy, too), I have a hard time believing that desires can be “mistakes.” Desires can be sinful and acting on a sinful desire is wrong, but since God had made the provision for their future desire for a king and had not condemned the desire before (Deut 17:14), I would say that there was nothing wrong with this desire. In fact, the not-so-happy ending of Saul’s reign only made David’s reign something to look forward to and to enjoy that much more. Despite David’s sins, his rule was much more successful. Do not take this to mean that if you don’t like your spouse, you can get a divorce and marry another one (there are certainly Biblical grounds for divorce, although dislike is not one of them). Take it to mean that most people don’t marry the first person they date. And that's okay. My grandmother once told me I was practically required to date more than one guy. Since she only dated my grandpa, she was not as impressed and aware of his good qualities as she would have been if she had dated other guys who did not share those good qualities. She has a point, and it reminds me of something a friend once told me. After a difficult circumstance, she said, "Alex, God is just preparing you to be ready for the best."

The point of this post was to share what I learned about singleness from the story of the nation of Israel’s move from a theocracy to a monarchy: God's already got it figured out, "everyone else is doing it" is a bad reason, desires are not wrong, God is our father who gives us good things, marriage does not fix our problems (God wants to heal us), and don't settle for "okay," use it to be ready for the best. Strange that Israel's history would have comments on modern day singleness, huh?

The Lord, My Husband

Hosea 2:14-16 and 19, speaking of God restoring the unfaithful nation of Israel:

'But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes,' says the Lord, 'you will call me "my husband" instead of "my master." .... I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.'

Can you say beautiful? Sinful, rebellious, unfaithful Israel, restored to her king and lover. And represented by Hosea marrying, and then returning to rescue multiple times, his adulterous wife. It's amazing.

I've been thinking recently about God as my lover or husband. It's kindof a strange idea, especially after so many Sunday School lessons where Jesus was presented as a best friend or Father-figure. When I moved up to high school ministry, the same presentation was applied. There was little mention, as far as I can remember, of Jesus being a lover. (Some of my pastors strayed away from Song of Solomon, too, if you get my gist.)

But God definitely is a lover. You can't read Hosea without seeing that. Last month, I wrote a post referencing a verse from Exodus in which Moses tells the Israelites that God is jealous for a relationship with them, his chosen people. In a later post, I reflected on God being jealous for a relationship with me. And you.

There's such a distinct connection between God's love and human love. Granted, God's love is always unconditional even when human love is not, but one helps to explain the other. An older friend once told me that she began to understand God's love for her more clearly as she experienced the love her husband had for her. It makes sense. Another friend explained relationships by saying that God gives us friendships and romantic relationships to illustrate and help us understand the relationship God wants to have with us. Since we can see and physically touch other people, our responses to them are typically more "natural" (although maybe that's the wrong word) than with God, whom we cannot see or touch. There is a physical metaphor to almost every spiritual occurrence (e.g. run the good race, warfare, discipline, etc) - and human relationships are a metaphor for our relationship with God.

Oddly enough, diving deeper into a connection like this with God has got me desiring a dating relationship. It seems strange that this enlightenment about God's love would reawaken my longing for love, but only until I realize that God created love. It's normal. It's good. How can the God of the universe who sent his only Son to die for me not inspire love? How can I respond to him in any other way but love, when I realize that while I was yet a sinner, steeped in filth, he loved me first and he rescued me simply because he wanted to, simply because he considered me valuable?

And that makes me desire something deep and beautiful: a dating relationship with a guy that is, of course, fun and affectionate, but is also genuine. Real and compassionate. Supportive, poetic, and ridiculously adventurous. Where God is so central and so overwhelming to the relationship that people watching us just can't help but feel Him. Where we are our own persons, but we become something stronger together. A relationship in which physical boundaries are tightly drawn. A relationship where I can stop trying, controlling, and wanting to manipulate, and just enjoy. A place where vulnerability is necessary and trust is required. Something with possibilities. Something that leads to marriage. I mean, dating that doesn't have the possibility of heading toward marriage is a bit pointless, don't you think?

Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Maybe that sort of thing doesn't happen anymore. Maybe it's just for movies. I looked up synonyms for "romantic," and alongside words like affectionate, amorous, and aphrodisiac, I saw impractical, unrealistic, unusual, and Utopian. But something in me, something deeply embedded in my soul, tells me that the love I desire is not impossible. It's confirmed by the beautiful heart of my Savior.

So, I'm waiting. But (cue John Waller), while I'm waiting, I'm not complaining. Okay, I'm not trying to complain... Haha. But it's not so much waiting as it is letting God have his way with me. What is God doing in me? Well, for one, he's showing me how faithful he is. He has been doing that since Easter, and I love watching him work as he reveals faithfulness after faithfulness. Another thing God is doing is showing me his love. He's pouring out love, through friends and experiences and moments like two nights ago when I just spent a while in surrender and worship and prayer. And I have realized that God is not finished yet. Every time I think he is, he draws me through another challenge just to convince that there's more I have yet to learn! And I'm learning what it means to get excited about those things God is about. I'm learning to listen to his heart and see people the way he sees them. And I have the freedom to do what he's asking without hesitation - I'm not tied to any guy... which is both a humbling and freeing thought.

The Lord is my husband, my Savior, my lover. I'm excited about knowing and loving him as such, even though I have no idea how to do it. But I am learning, ever so slowly. And God is working. I am overwhelmed only by His love.

Your Testimony

Look at your testimony, your story of faith. Describe it. Look at where you've been and how far you've come. What has God taught you?

Too often we have this mindset that the only good testimonies are the ones where we can see some spectacular sign of God's immediate and powerful work. We live like the only good testimonies are the stories of desperate, wicked sinners being radically and emotionally changed into God-fearing, loving saints.

...Wait a minute! Aren't we all desperate wicked sinners who need God? And aren't all Christians radically changed by God? And aren't all of us called to radical obedience and crazily giving everything back to God and letting him love others through us?

Well, yeah, actually. But we tend to play the comparison game, even when it comes to our testimonies. We say, "Oh, well, I accepted Christ when I was 6 and I've always lived in a Christian home and I never did drugs or slept around, so my life and testimony is boring" and we hear someone who lived an immoral life and who didn't listen to God until they were adults and have overcome such supposedly vast sins... And we think that their testimony is so much more important and special and influential than ours.

But the truth is that we are all sinners saved by grace through faith. My story is no more important or amazing than yours, because it's my story. It's what God said to me and did in me. Likewise with your story.

I see this in the two stories of changed lives we find in Acts 9:1-22 and in Luke 5:1-11. In Acts chapter 9, Saul is going to Damascus when God does something incredible. If you know the story, you know that a bright light shines down, Saul is blinded, and Jesus asks, "Saul, why are you persecuting me? ... I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do." (v.4-6). It's a pretty amazing story. But God works in many different ways, and we see a slightly different faith story in Luke chapter 5. Jesus climbs into Simon Peter's boat and asks him to take the boat out a bit into the water so Jesus can preach from the boat. It is a seemingly ordinary move - a guy stepping into another guy's boat. Jesus called Peter, a simple, uneducated man who worked as a fisherman to follow him. And Peter didn't leave behind a life of massive, growth sin (in human standards), he left behind his own life. And he took up his cross and followed after Jesus. It changed his life.

So whether or not your testimony sounds "cool" or seems to compare with others' testimonies, it really doesn't matter. Because God has and is and will continue to work in your life. And God will use your struggles and your testimony for his glory. Because that's the purpose, that's the end result: That we are conformed to the image of Christ for the sake of others.

Going According to Plan

It took me longer than I thought to realize that life isn't about me. And still, I have moments where I get all confused and wonder why things are happening the way I want them to.

This reminds me of the Jews of the 1st century. They were anxiously awaiting a Messiah, a military leader to rescue them from Roman rule. They even celebrated Hanukkah in remembrance of not only the Menorah oil that lasted eight days, but also for what Judas Maccabeus had done in recapturing the temple (which was a military conquering).

This Military-ruler Messiah mindset is very prevalent to the Jewish people. We see this in John Chapter 10 at Hanukkah when Jesus is at the Temple. The Jewish people ask, "How long are you going to keep us in suspense? If you are the Messiah, tell us plainly." So Jesus replies, "I have already told you, and you don’t believe me." He goes on to talk about his "sheep" and his father's name and eternal life and the Jews are left standing there with their mouths open.

Can you imagine the shock this must have caused? Suddenly, the Jews found that the guy they thought was probably their Messiah likes to talk about sheep. Verse 31 even says that the people picked up stones to kill him. What had happened to the idea of a military Messiah?

Life isn't always going to work out. Life is rarely, if ever, going to work out the way you've planned. I'm such a planner, that this realization really hurt. But see, God has better plans for me than I planned myself. I need to make the effort to trust him and depend on him and seek him above all else.