Provision Despite Worry

My first semester of college was tough, to say the least. As a rule-follower and structure-oriented person, I couldn't handle hallmates heading on late-night Taco Bell runs, running late to class, or feeling overwhelmed with the amount of free-for-all homework that was being assigned. I struggled my freshman year with feeling like the stress was up to my eyeballs.

One night early in that year, my RA (resident assistant) came into my room to chat or do roomcheck or something and asked me how I was doing. It was so great to have the chance to tell someone how I was feeling. I had my Bible with me (probably doing chapter summaries or something) and she asked me to turn to Matthew chapter six.

I grew up in Sunday School, I thought. I know where she's going with this. And I was right, she pointed out verse 25 and following.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

- Matthew 6:25-33, NLT

A little over two years ago, I still remember that conversation. Even though I "knew" the passage she was referring to, I did not really know it. I had not really experienced it. Sure, times were hard financially and emotionally after my parents' divorce when my mom was single. Money was tight, but God provided. I never feared that we wouldn't have a roof over our heads and food in our fridge. As a child, I never knew how much we really didn't have. Up until that semester, my needs were pretty much met.

However, going to college was a new experience. A change. Have I mentioned how much I don't like change? (I even wrote a post entitled "I Hate Change" in August 2010... oh goodness.) Anyway, this change, this new experience, has been fantastic, but it has also been challenging. For example, that first year, I was terribly afraid I would not have enough time to do my homework. I sacrificed time with good friends because I feared not finishing an assignment. As time went on, I feared other things. First, it was: would I be able to make friends? Later: would I have enough nice clothes to wear to work? Would I be able to finish this project? Would I be able to serve effectively here or there? Would I be able to end this relationship, if needed, and heal from it, if necessary? Would I be able to go through counseling (and would it actually help)? Would I be able to make it in another country? Would I be able to find my identity in Christ?

And most recently, my worry has been: Do I have enough money? Can I afford this?
I think it's a bit ironic that Matthew writes that "you cannot serve both God and money" exactly one verse before the passage my RA shared with me. In addition, the examples Matthew uses as things people worry about are food, drink, and clothing. All money-related items. It seems as if God is pretty serious when it comes to relying on him over money. That's why Jesus said that it is "easier for a camel to go through an eye of a needle than for a rich person to go to heaven" (Matthew 19:24). If we depend on our money, we are not depending on God. "Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven," Matthew writes.

Yet despite God's consistent warnings, we still need money to survive. I'm going on the five-meal plan at my college this coming semester. That means that I will only get five meals per week in the cafeteria. The other meals I will cook or eat out. From the money my parents are saving by this room and board option, they will be giving me a chunk (for groceries) and saving the rest. I'm going to need that grocery money. But I don't have to worry about it. God will provide, though my parents and through his provision.

It's interesting, though, that God will always provide. And if he doesn't? It just means he has better plans. My black dress flats had started to show serious signs of wear this past semester, and the heel of one is falling apart now. I needed to buy a new pair before I completed observations at a local school in January. Yesterday, I just got so worried about getting a new pair of shoes at a price I could afford that I literally started tearing up in the car. It was actually kindof ridiculous how worried I was.

In that moment, my RA's advice rang through my head. Matthew chapter six. Do not "worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?" And "do not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough trouble of its own." 

You know what? God will provide impromptu shopping trips and shoes on sale. He will, I promise. :) But that's not the point here. The point is that He is all we need. Seek Him first, and he will provide.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

-  Matthew 6:33, KJV

What I'm Listening To:

"Nothing But the Blood" - Matt Redman
"My Story" - Addison Road
"Search My Heart" - Hillsong
"All We Need" - Charlie Hall
"You Never Let Go" - Matt Redman

The Rescue

I knew there was a problem when it was 1 am and I was still on my computer, following some drama play out on Facebook. The thing about relationships is that they are messy, and if I didn't know better, I'd stay as far away from all relationships as possible. Thankfully, the blessings of good relationships supersede the troubles of even the worst, and we can rejoice in those.

I sit here reminded of friends of mine who are fearful and broken tonight. Near the end of the semester, a good friend and next-door neighbor dealt with problems in her family. Her uncle had contracted a severe illness and is still in the hospital, though regaining his abilities to speak and move. Then between Thanksgiving and Christmas break, her grandmother (her dad and uncle's mom) passed away. She was struggling with the hurt. I got a text from another friend yesterday that her great-grandmother, who has been in hospice, took a turn for the worse. Then today I got a Facebook message from a third friend whose grandfather is at risk for his second heart attack in a week and it doesn't look good.

While praying for and thinking about these friends who are hurting tonight over the fear of the unknown, a song came on my iTunes shuffle that seemed to fill the room. I've written earlier about music: how songs bring back memories and how sometimes those memories get altered or replaced. This case is similar. "The Rescue" is about a guy who is offering comfort and rescue to a girl who has been hurt, but it carries a symbolic meaning of God rescuing his beloved, even ending with the lyrics to "Amazing Grace."

It took a minute to break through, but I realized that God was changing my perception of this song. For so long, it has only served to remind me of a relationship that went south. Yet when I realize that God can redeem not only my heart, but also this song, I see his rescue available for my friends. He can take these notes and these lyrics and give them a new meaning. It is not really replacing what they used to remind me of, but rather, providing a new layer of meaning.

It is in that sense of rescue, beautiful rescue, when I realize this is a community thing. "Community" is that sense of partnership and in-it-together-ness that encircles us when we feel loved and supported and held by fellow believers around us. Community is what Hebrews 12:1 is referencing (and what Hebrews 11 is proving). Community is the body of Christ coming alongside each other, to do what Romans 12:15 is commanding.  Community is the reason and the opportunity for accountability. Community is what happens (for me, at least), during impromptu hand-holding prayer and within acoustic worship sessions and when friends stop to ask how you're doing and really listen.

And I've always thought of rescue as a singular deal. One person getting rescued by God. Alone. I guess that stems from my similar belief that salvation should also be an alone deal. It's the reason I hate altar calls. Why would I want to go up to the front, not only where can people see me, but also where some person I don't know is waiting to lay hands on me and ask God for something generic for me?

Maybe there is a sense of community in rescue. After a year of counseling, I firmly believe that Christian counseling should be an extension of the body of Christ, i.e. community. It's two Christians coming together to discuss and navigate pain. If counseling is not a form of rescue, I don't know what is!

Not only is counseling a form of rescue, but I also believe intercession prayer is as well. I've never been good at intercession. I mean, I know it doesn't really count as a talent or a hobby, but I have never really learned how to do it right or even disciplined myself enough to get a good amount of practice in it. I typically say the generic things ("I ask that You be with my friends") and not much more. However, today, I sent a prayer over text to my friend whose grandfather is in the hospital. That was unique in itself. But something else was different for me: I prayed a character quality of God and a Bible verse. Suddenly, the focus of that conversation with God was not on me or on my friend or even on his troubles, but it was on God. And that felt so freeing. In that moment, it didn't matter how the prayer affected my friend or his family, it mattered that God was praised and uplifted and acknowledged as omnipotent and omniscient King. Then once God was praised and I rejoiced in that, I got a reply from my friend and was able to rejoice in that as well. Rescue became a joint act. I got to play a small part in God's work in my friend's life.

Christian college kids everywhere can identify, but it is typically over breaks when I feel the least supported. Everyone is at home, doing their own things, and I live more than 45 minutes from any friends. Community is hard to come by and Satan is easy to listen to.

But the wonderful God we serve caught my attention earlier this break with significant themes in the devotional I've been using. Two days in a row, I saw themes of blindness and deafness, with Jesus providing healing and asking the people to watch him and listen to him. I thought about it for a while and could not figure out why it stuck out to me. The thing is, God provides community even when we're all home on breaks. Friends who call, text, and e-mail, (and who respond to mine) are such encouragements during this time. In addition, being able to be with my family (who have finally started attending a good church regularly!) provides community as well. He is speaking; are we listening? Have we opened our eyes to God and shut them to Satan?

God is in the redeeming and rescuing business, and many times He uses his children to minister to others of his children. Keep your eyes and ears open. After going through a difficult time, he may just use you to provide comfort and offer rescue to your brother or sister.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

What I'm Listening To:

"The Rescue" - Tyler Ward

"Hallelujah" - Tenth Avenue North

"I Will Wait" - Mumford and Sons

"Like An Avalanche" - Hillsong

Treasure

Maybe it's just my maternal instinct sneaking out, but I'm starting to catch a glimpse of what Luke meant when he wrote that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2:19).

I'm acting in my church's Christmas play tonight alongside two little girls, a 7-year-old and an 11-year-old. An entire slew of children and adults are acting in other scenes, as characters such as Herod, wisemen, shepherds, and angels. We have been practicing for the play twice a week since just before Thanksgiving and we have our final dress rehearsal this afternoon at 4pm.

You may think that a church Christmas play is a stressful, daunting, and frustrating task. It is. But it doesn't have to be. I have been so amazed and surprised by how the entire process can be so much more rewarding. For one, I have started to treat the girls I'm acting with as if we were equals. When I tell them they need to slow down or exit now or make sure they don't forget a word in a certain line, I also ask them if I can do anything for them. I've gotten responses like: "Can you make sure you say 'Egypt' at the end of that line, so I know my cue?" and "Can I not say this part of my line?" and my personal favorite: "Can I roll my eyes when she says that?" They are actually making their own choices and I believe they feel like I care about their choices.

Yet one thing really captured my heart. In the play, the two girls have not seen their dad in several months and their mom has recently passed away. I'm the social worker at the children's home where they are staying. At the end of the play, I've presented the gospel and the girls and I are praying. The Narrator and music fade in. When we were rehearsing, one of the girls asked me, "Do you think their dad comes back? Why is that not in the play?" I had the opportunity to discuss how finding and accepting Jesus does not make your life perfect; it simply makes you able to handle the problems of life because you can depend on God through them. The girls agreed with me and shared examples.

When we took a break from the hustle and bustle of the play and instead spent some time reflecting, we were able to relate to each other, to place a building block on our relationships, and to fix our eyes on Jesus. That moment is something I treasure. I would not trade it for anything.

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Similarly, I'm learning some interesting things through conflict resolution with my roommate. It is not fun. At all. But it is good.

My roommate is a people-oriented, relationship-motivated extrovert. It makes me want to shoot my foot. I am an introvert who loves people, but I can only handle people in small doses. In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes: "I am that cordless screwdriver that has to charge for twenty hours to earn ten minutes use." I completely understand. I'm also task-oriented. My roommate and I figured this out: It hurts me when she doesn't wash her dishes. It hurts her when I tell her I don't want to talk about what's bothering me. Well, duh, I want to say, Wash your dishes to show me you value me. (I'm task-oriented: wash your dishes.) But then she's saying, Well, duh, talk to me to show me you value me. (She's people-oriented: the dishes can wait.) It's fairly amusing to actually talk about it and deal with it.

The beautiful moment that I will treasure is when we faced this phenomenon together. We talked about our issues no matter how much they hurt. I will treasure the moment when I realized that being a "3am friend" is probably not cut out for me, and I cried about it, and she was there with a hug. I will treasure the moment when she acted as a mediator to help our mutual friend and I experience conflict resolution together. For the first time, I'm seeing problems and disagreements actually worked out in a healthy way. And I treasure that.

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I treasure coffee nights and dinners with my small group girls. About half the group went to coffee with my co-leader and me last night and the other half (with some overlap) are having dinner with us Monday night. I'm seeing that ministry doesn't have to fit in the confines of one hour a week in which we talk about the Bible for the entire hour. In almost all cases, "ministry" should first and foremost be relationships. I treasure the fact that last night, we didn't talk about Jesus. As crazy as that sounds, that's why I treasure it. Because suddenly, I was able to look at these girls as the beautiful individuals they are without trying to weasel some sort of spiritual thoughts out of them. I felt honest as we sipped peppermint mochas and chai lattes. I felt like we were becoming friends while we laughed about Candy Land and chocolate cake. It didn't feel like group, it felt like friendship. And I treasure that.

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I treasure the relationships I have with my guy friends. Who would have thought that guys would make great friends? Definitely not me. While there are still challenges, as with any friendship, I am truly honored to be doing life alongside both girls and guys. I'm starting to see these people as women and men - adults of whom I'm really proud. What a blessing to walk alongside these guys as their sister!

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I wanted to share these things with you as a reminder that although we have bad days (weeks, months, seasons...), we are still surrounded by an amazing God who provides for us each day. He blesses us with not  only the things we need for life, but also things that provide the joy in life.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

- C.S Lewis

His Love is Even Here

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. The last few weeks of the semester tend to do that to me.

Sickness messed with my sleep and work schedules, which messed with my concentration and homework time, which messed with my free time and has me confused as to which day of the week it is today. Friends needing a shoulder to cry on; other friends not wanting to talk at all; other friends flip-flopping between wanting to be friends and ignoring the threads of friendship between us.

This has all left me tired and definitely in the midst of a real-life Twilight Zone. What can break me out of this mind-trick?

• Twelve hours of sleep made me feel better physically, but not really mentally. 
• A random act of kindness filled the gap like drugs: a high I could ride that left me in a crash.
• Waiting for a summer job interview, a placement for student teaching, a reply on my resubmitted nonfiction piece... I'm always waiting.
• Running lines with two precious girls for our church Christmas play lifted my spirits but reminded me of the work to be done for the play.
• Letting go of a crush the same day I see friends comforted by their boyfriends is disheartening. Very disheartening.
• Canceling our Thursday small group provided rest for my co-leader and me, but now it doesn't feel like Thursday anymore, and I can't shake the feeling I'm failing at ministry again.
• Breakfast at 10:30am. Enough said.
• My roommate and housemate pulled an all-nighter last night and woke me up just before 7 this morning. Lovely.

Speaking of which, I wrote my roommate a raw and painfully honest letter this morning about various things in our friendship. I was so busy writing it that I was almost late to my class this morning. When I looked down at the pages I had written, my heart was broken at how angry I sounded. The passive-aggressive letter is long and full of questions and exclamations I would have to flinch to even say aloud to her. Who do I think I am, expressing those hurtful comments to someone who matters so much to me? But, what if those comments need to be spoken because of how much she matters to me?

At this point I don't know.

Religion seems meaningless right now.

Ecclesiastes ends with the Teacher telling us to fear God and obey Him, for we will be judged. He goes through twelve chapters shooting down everything in the entire universe as meaningless, and then he comes back to God. Obey Him. Those are his final words.

And even at this point, obedience seems meaningless. Unless I disconnect it from religion.

Obedience because of religion is heartless and pointless. Muslims bow in prayer five times a day. Jewish people light eight candles (with a ninth candle in the middle) for Hanukkah each year. Why? These seem to be empty traditions based on obedience to religions that seem empty themselves.

If we think of Christianity in those terms of empty religion, it is meaningless. However, if we think of obedience as an out-flowing of the love we have for our Savior and friend, it becomes a relationship.

Did you know that his love is even here? Even here in the Twilight Zone with a headache, waiting for so many things, trying to get well, sipping tea that's gone cold, wondering how I feel so alone when I'm so surrounded... His love is here. Even here.

• When I can only get out his name in a broken voice before the guilt of my sin overcomes me, He's here.
• When I can't concentrate on a single homework assignment, not to mention a chapter of my favorite book in His Word, He's here.
• When I feel like I'm failing as a small group co-leader, like my past has come back to haunt me, He's here.
• When I wrongly think that hearing his words and feeling his hug would make things right, He's here.
• When I hurt with desperation over the confusion in my friendships, He's here.
• When I have trouble even lasting a shift at work, He's here.
• When no food satisfies and most of it leaves me feeling nauseous, He's here.
• When my singleness adds to my already disillusioned outlook, He's here.
• And even when I don't want Him, He's here. Like a patient gentleman, He's waiting on me to ask Him to come in and be at home with me with nothing but jasmine tea between us.

His love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between. 

Oh, How He Loves.
Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. For the Bible tells me so.

He is the God who is here.

What I'm Listening To:

"Times" - Tenth Avenue North

"Sometimes" - David Crowder Band

A Success Story

This is a success story. Freedom is possible.

There's this realization that kinda hits you in the face when you overcome. It's even better when you realize God already overcame for you and in you.
Hillsong sings that when God took on human form in Jesus and came to die for us on a cross, shame and sinfulness were broken, faithfulness was revealed, sin was broken, hope and defense in Christ were proven, the lost were saved, and his name was (and will be) lifted higher. That's beyond incredible. God really died for us. For our hearts and for our souls.

So, back to the story. I overcame. That could be the entire story, but I'm going to be a little more open with you guys and share some of the back story. This is a slight bit vague so you can apply it to you and your struggles.

When dealing with repetitive sins (lying, coveting, sexual sins, anything that seems to ensnare or entangle you), I've learned that there are certain triggers that may prompt them. These may start out innocently enough, or may take the form of temptation. Either way, when faced with a trigger, we have choices. The knee-jerk reaction is to do what we've always done, in most cases, the sin. It's almost immediate. Sometimes we can get so accustomed to the repetition that we feel as if we have no option but the knee-jerk reaction.
I would like to take this chance to argue that we do have another option. Remember when I said that we have choices? Plural. More than one. So what do we do?

We cannot keep all of the triggers from happening. For example, say someone struggles with alcoholism. They can choose not to walk into a bar. That one is obvious. However, they may not be aware that a friend of a friend is planning to bring wine to a dinner party. One smell and that becomes a trigger. There is a sense of carefulness and discernment that comes along with an alcoholic's choice to embrace sobriety and healing.

My step one is this: Don't be stupid. (And I don't use that word flippantly.) Don't walk into a bar if you are a recovering alcoholic. Avoid the dessert table if you want to loose weight. Choose not to spend extended time with gossipy friends. Don't put yourself in a compromising position.
And step two: Bounce and replace. When I was in high school, the guys in my youth group learned a trick called "the bounce." For example, a girl at school is wearing something low cut. Instead of staring, they would "bounce" their eyes away. Tempted to covet your neighbor's oxen (er.... whatever)? If you can't avoid his "oxen," choose to focus on something else while you're over at his "farm." Get your mind off of the issue, whatever the issue is.
Replace refers to choosing something to fill the gap left by removing the sin. It's not enough to be tempted to punch some dude in the face and then just decide not to do it. What are you going to do with all of that energy that you built up while getting ready to punch him? What are going to do with those feelings of anger? Replace the sin you just avoided with a better coping strategy. One of the reasons I took up knitting was because I used to bite my fingernails. When I decided I didn't want to bite my nails anymore, I looked for something else to do with my hands. It is also great that knitting involves creating something, because I was more likely to stay with it when I saw the benefits that could come from it. Namely, scarves and sweaters and stuff. Slowly, the repetition of knitting (and of choosing knitting over nail-biting) replaced the repetition of biting my nails.

When it comes to repetitive sins, identify your triggers, don't be stupid, and bounce/replace. In this way, overcoming becomes much more possible. Just a word to the wise, however, if and when you follow through with your first reaction (the sin one), know that God has already forgiven you. And he is still overcoming for you. Choose to avoid sin for the purpose of strengthening your relationship with God and keeping yourself from the consequences, but don't ever fall into the trap of legalism. I believe that eventually, your first reaction will be the better strategy instead of the sin. But that takes a lot of time and consistently choosing good over evil for that to happen. So don't let your guard down.

Anyway, so I told you this was a success story. Well, last night I encountered a significant trigger for me. And I was not moving in the right direction. (The right direction, by the way, is as far away from the trigger as possible, mentally or physically, usually both.) It wasn't looking good. I came to the point in which I had to make a choice: keep going in this direction (give into the temptation) or turn around and run away (flee temptation). Suddenly I caught a glimpse of how I would see this situation if I were an outsider looking in on the circumstances. Not a pretty picture. Then I realized that looking back on that moment and seeing it as future-me was not any prettier. And in that moment when I thought I had no choice but to give in to the knee-jerk reaction, I made the choice to stop right there in my tracks. Turn around. And run away as fast as possible. I bounced and then replaced: went to play piano and then made cookies with some friends.

Easy does not describe that choice to change directions. At all. But overcome does. I overcame. Victory, hallelujah.

1 Corinthians 10:13:

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

For an entire year, from one Easter to the next, God hammered (for lack of a better word) his faithfulness into me. I bet I heard faithful used in some form every day that year. To see that word show up in this verse, seven months after that "hammering" subsided, is pretty amazing. God is not finished with us. He will not give up on us. And he is faithful, not only to provide a way out, but also to forgive us if we do fall.

So beautiful. Our God is so merciful and so good and so just. Hallelujah, we are free to struggle, Tenth Avenue North sings, but we're not struggling to be free. We are already free. We are free to struggle. It's that struggle that makes us feel alive and that gives us the joy we can find when we overcome. Hallelujah, God did not make robots. God made people with free will who have the choice for relationships with Him. And because of that free will and those choices, we can know love.

Relationships are a lot of give-and-take. I have an amazing roommate who I've been blessed to share a room with for a second school year now. This friendship we share is so unlike anything I've done before. We are so close that we now know so much about each other and, yet, there is no judgement in our relationship. She knows my crap and loves me anyway. Our relationship is full of give-and-take. When one of us is upset about something, the other one will be, too. When one of us acts selfishly, it takes away from the other. And that relationship is a (not-perfect, but similar) picture of the relationship God wants to have with us.

Blessed be the name of the Lord that he made us for relationships, not dictatorships or mechanical repetition or false obedience. We obey God out of love for him. How beautiful is that?

In this moment when I'm sharing my success story, I have to give all honor and praise to God. Success is not possible without him. Trying to avoid a repetitive sin without God's strength and grace is like trying to survive a hurricane while standing outside in an open field beside a telephone pole. It doesn't work, because in that moment, you are a prime target.
I also want to leave you with the thought that success in overcoming is even more possible with accountability. Trying to avoid a repetitive sin without someone else knowing and holding you accountable is like trying to survive without water. Telling someone else is extremely painful, but it is also amazingly refreshing. That's why I went to counseling. And it's the same reason why I am phasing out of counseling and into an accountability/mentoring kind of thing in this next semester. And you know what? Go back and read 1 Corinthians 10:13. It says that "no temptation has seized you except that which is common to man." Literally. That means that you're not alone. Did you catch that? You. Are. Not. Alone. Realizing that right there made it easier for me to tell someone. I hope it does the same for you.

I want to leave you with these truths: Success is possible. Freedom is real. Healing is tangible. There is nothing wrong with you. God is merciful. God has already forgiven you. You don't have to live like your past.
Remember: avoid your triggers (don't be stupid), bounce/replace, get accountability. More on that last one soon.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

- Hebrews 12:1

Peace be with you.

What I'm Listening to:

"Lay Me Down" - Chris Tomlin
"The Earth is Yours" - Gungor
"The Struggle" - Tenth Avenue North
"Worn" - Tenth Avenue North

Thankful for His Grace

What is God's response when we sin? What is his attitude towards us? Is God angry at us?

I've written about my legalistic tendencies before, but to reiterate, I have a very difficult time accepting grace. To me, and to many people, it seems as if a perfect God would not tolerate any sinfulness on our part, and that immediate repentance and begging and pleading is required to appease his wrath that occurs because of our sin.

Yet is that really how God views us? Romans 8 says "nothing will be able separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus." Nothing. Nothing in the future or in the past. Just prior to that verse, Paul writes that it is God who sent his only son, Jesus, to die for us, which means that God would not turn around and then condemn us. Jesus has already stood in our place to receive our punishment. Since we are justified by God through Jesus, Jesus cannot and will not condemn us either. Romans 8:34 says that Jesus died and rose again, and is now sitting at God's right hand interceding or pleading for us. That means that he is praying for us continually.

Why would Jesus pray for us? To paraphrase theologian Bryan Chapell, Jesus is pleading for us even today because we still sin even today. Why yes, Christians still sin, but, like I wrote earlier, sin in a Christian's life eventually leads him or her closer to God. Where sin abounds, grace does much more abound. God's grace is overflowing for us because he has already redeemed us. God doesn't change his mind when it comes to grace.

Yet, here is my dilemma. If God will keep forgiving me, do I have to stop sinning? What if sin feels good or is a natural response? Paul asked this same question in Romans 5:20-6:2:

....But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant. So just as sin ruled over all people and brought them to death, now God’s wonderful grace rules instead, giving us right standing with God and resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it?

Chapter six goes on to say that we are no longer slaves to sin. As Christians, we have been redeemed. Grace reigns in us through righteousness for eternal life. Yet in God, we have the full power to tell Satan to get out of our way. We can say "No." We are no longer slaves to sin.

Another thing to consider is that sin disrupts our relationship with God. I would argue that it doesn't change how God sees and feels about us (remember, he doesn't change his mind), but it changes how we feel about God. I think the Holy Spirit convicts us, but I don't think God is stomping around like an angry Zeus. Ever done something behind someone's back that you should not have done, and then ignored them because you felt guilty about it? That is what happens when Christians sin. We feel bad about it and there is a disruption in our relationship with God. Yes, sin is sin, and yes, it is wrong. However, I think too many Christians forget that Jesus has truly already died for our sins.

I described this phenomenon of sin actually drawing us closer to God in an earlier post:

When we sin now, as believers, we can come to God and kneel before him and confess, "God, I'm sorry for my sin. I repent." And you know what? God says, "What sin? I don't know what you're talking about. Come up here and sit on my lap."

God's forgiveness does not give us a license to sin. In fact, it should make us want to sin less. Wow, God really loves me. I'm so grateful for that and I don't want to take advantage of it. John 14:15 says, "If you love me, obey my commandments." When we love God, we are more likely to not want to sin against him. When we know that God loves us, we are more likely to come to him in repentance, not terrified fear, after sinning.

So, how do we know that God really loves us? Open your Bible! It's full of God's love. Jason Zahn says that when dealing with repetitive sins, we know we are doing the right thing if we are making progress towards sanctification. It may be hard to see for a while, but when we see that we are sinning less, that we are pursuing Bible study, prayer, worship, and community, and that, as Zahn says, we are "grow[ing] in understanding [of our] Savior," we know that God continues to forgive. Not only does he continue to forgive, but he continues to love.

Remember, you don't have to have all your crap together to approach God. Not the first time you approach him or the 47th time. Or the 8,739th time. Because in reality, the Christian life is not actually about us. My sanctification is not the end all be all of Christ's death and resurrection. Fortunately, Christ came and died so all the nations would be saved through him. Really, this life is about God and his ultimate cosmic plan. I believe his plan includes my growth and maturation and sanctification as a follower of Him. But I also believe there's more to it than that.

This November, I am challenging myself to be thankful for his grace. I have often been very cynical of it. I have thought things like, "Why on earth would God still love someone like me?" And, "Since I don't understand why God would forgive me, I'm not going to accept it." What a horrible way to treat the death of my Savior! He died so that I might live, and I refuse to live. Ridiculous.

I'm remembering, even today, that in Him, I am literally a new creation. When he says that the old has gone, he is not saying that it is my duty to remove everything bad from my life. That is what I am aiming for, but He is doing it in me and through me. It is a slow process, but all good things are slow processes.

Two years ago, I never would have imagined that when God told me he was going to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before there was a guy in my life, he meant all that has happened since then. I mean, I've had some guy troubles, some friendship troubles, I've begun counseling, I've faced the crap that I stuffed for many years... I went to Asia and I'm planning to go back (wow!), I felt my calling to teaching solidified... so much has happened. So much has changed. Finally, I'm out of the "funk" that haunted me for several weeks earlier this semester. I'm starting to see God and Christianity in a new light. I'm starting to see his forgiveness as beautiful and merciful, not as unwanted as I did before. I'm (very slowly) starting to see marriage as viable, possible, and not completely terrifying.

Does all of this mean that God's going to plop Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome right in front of me tomorrow? I'd be beyond surprised if he did. It does mean that God is still doing those great and wonderful things. He hasn't given up on me and He is still working in my life.

What a beautiful, gracious, amazing, and mighty God we serve. Oh, how he loves!

What I'm Listening To:

"Free" - Switchfoot

"Only Grace" - Matthew West

"Desert Soul" - Rend Collective Experiment

"This Love is Free" - Hyland

Love Yourself: Advice for Christians (Part Two)

If you missed part one, you can read it here.

I accepted Jesus into my heart fourteen years ago this month. I've spent fourteen years in this religion that is more like a relationship; fourteen years deeper into the heart of God.

A lot has changed since then. For one, I have learned how to articulate my beliefs. I finally nailed down my views on Calvinism and Arminianism (closer to the latter), soteriology (ransom theory with a bit of Christus Victor), and predestination ("ordained" free will... kinda). In addition, I've had my fair share of heartaches, victories, doubts, and beliefs. I watched the breaking apart of my parents' marriage. I lost a piece of my innocence. I lost my grandpa. I faced my fears. I began counseling.

Sometimes I characterize my growing up as "overchurched," in the sense that attending a Christian school and being involved in every activity at church often made me jaded to Christ. I literally did not want to hear it anymore. Unfortunately, living with a continual and typically repetitive or even simplistic "dose" of Jesus every time you turn around can be unhealthy. We may forget the most important things about Christianity.

Case in point: We all know the words of John 3:16 by heart, but most of us really do not believe them in our hearts. John 3:16 begins with these two words: God loves. Do we believe that he loves? Does our acknowledgement of his love change the way we live, interact, or think?

---

In my last post, I offered the idea that the advice "Love Yourself" can actually be beneficial for Christians. When I look at 1 Corinthians 13 and see that love is patient, love is kind, it only makes sense that I would treat myself, just as I treat others, in those ways.

To continue with 1 Corinthians 13, verse five says that love "keeps no record of being wronged." When it comes to loving yourself, I think this phrase goes both ways. Love does not make a list of every time someone sins against you. But also, love does not make a list of every time you sin. Yourself. Love is not about keeping the law or maintaining rules and regulations. Love is about living a spirit-filled life. Romans 8:3-4 reads:

The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin's control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit.

The thing is, under the new covenant (basically, the New Testament), we do not live by the rules of the Law (the old covenant, the Old Testament Law). And when we meet Christ and accept his free gift of salvation, we no longer live in slavery to the sinful nature. As born-again Christians, we live by the Spirit. God declared an end to both the law's control and sin's control over us.

Now, take this theology and apply it to keeping no record of wrongs. If Romans 8:1 is correct, if there really is no condemnation for those who in Christ Jesus, then of course God does not make a list of our sins and judge us by it. He loves us as his children, and I believe he isn't about to bring up our past sins to make us feel guilty or to place blame or shame on us. That's not the way love works.

Similarly, when we talk about loving ourselves, it is important that we acknowledge that we sin, that we are aware that we are not yet who we want to be in Christ, but that we not become obsessed with feeling bad about our sins or walking around with this subjective feeling of "condemnation" for doing something wrong. Has God forgiven you? Has God already forgiven you? The answer is a firm and resounding Yes. Don't keep holding to that bad feeling after you sin. 1 John 1:9 says, "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." So confess it and move on.

Keeping a record of your wrongs and bringing them up again every single time someone mentions forgiveness and grace is a pretty depressing way to live. I know. I've been there. The thing is, God doesn't care about all of that. He loves you regardless. He loves you for who he made you to be. He loves you because His son's blood covers all of your sins. Why hold on to something Jesus has already washed off of you? Why grasp the chains of sin and guilt that Jesus already broke? Tenth Avenue North sings:

Your blood bought and makes us children
Children drop your chains and sing

Friends, a healthy realization that, as Christians, we still sin, is good. Yes, Christians still sin. The only difference is that sin does not drive us from God in a desperation, it actually ends up drawing us closer to God. When we sin now, as believers, we can come to God and kneel before him and confess, "God, I'm sorry for my sin. I repent." And you know what? God says, "What sin? I don't know what you're talking about." Come up here and sit on my lap.

Hebrews chapter four says that since Jesus was tempted in every way we are, yet he did not sin, we can "approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" (Hebrews 4:16). God is not angry at us! He wants to give us mercy and grace. He wants to help us in our weaknesses. He beckons us towards him. What a beautiful realization that, even though it seems impossible, if we give God our pain and mistakes and heartaches, if we reveal to him our brokenness and sins, he will redeem us. He will forgive us. In fact, he already has. Come to the water, my friend.

God keeps no record of wrongs. Love keeps no record of wrongs (your own or someone else's). To love yourself means to not beat yourself up over what has happened in the past. To love yourself means to confess it and move on, to accept God's graciousness and forgiveness and be loved. To let yourself be loved.

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1 Corinthians 13:7 says that love always hopes. Check back for part three where I will discuss how hope applies to loving yourself.

What I'm Listening To:

Hallelujah, The Struggle, and Shadows - Tenth Avenue North
Doubts or Disbelief - Chasen

Love Yourself: Advice for Christians, Not Hippies

In a song expressing a couple getting back together and renewing their relationship, Lifehouse sings the following lines about the female in the relationship...

She said, "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see,"
She said, "Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I must be honest. When I first heard this song, I thought it was ridiculous, for a number of reasons. I asked myself several pointed questions about the song:

1. Where are the guys who would work to maintain a relationship like this? Who would actually listen to things like that?
2. Where are the girls who would work to maintain a relationship like this? Who would actually say things like that?
3. What does it mean to "love yourself" and aren't we supposed to put ourselves last? 

I still haven't reached any conclusion as to the first two questions, but I want to focus this post on the third question. What does it mean to "love yourself" and aren't we supposed to put ourselves last?

I think that for many people who have grown up in the church, the idea of focusing on yourself is "bad" or "wrong." I do not want to bash the church, but I think having come into this place of semi-adulthood, I am able to take a step back and look at my earlier years. One thing I learned through this taking a step back process is that I was taught at an early age to give up of myself, almost to the point of self-deprecation. 

For example, it was a painful experience for me to realize that I mattered exquisitely to the Creator of the universe. I'm sure my parents told me that I was beautiful, but the idea that I am a lovely creation of the Most High is something I am still grasping. I'm sure I was praised for accomplishments as a child, but when I realized that pride in a good job is not wrong, it blew my mind. When I learned that making excuses and deflecting compliments is a horrible way to act when praised, I was surprised. Isn't it Christian to say something like "No, it was all God" or "Psh, I didn't do anything" when we are complimented after a performance or presentation?

No, it is not. God made you; we all know that. So take delight in what he's done in you instead of belittling yourself. We can love ourselves by respecting ourselves, by taking delight in the good things about ourselves and by changing or learning to appreciate (not dwelling on) the things we don't like about ourselves.

I am also learning that "loving yourself" refers to the adjectives and verbs in 1 Corinthians 13. It means being and doing those things both to yourself and to other people. The first way Paul describes love in 1 Corinthians 13 is patient. Are you patient with yourself? I think that is where most of us get stuck. There are many times when I simply cannot figure out the homework assignment, or I do a pretty bad job at time management the week a paper is due, or I struggle with repetitive sin for a while. And in those moments, I lose patience with myself. I become upset. I may verbally hate on myself. I may say things to myself that I would never say to other people. This refers to a second characteristic of love.

Gary Habermas, a professor at Liberty University, says, "Most of your pain does not come from what happens to you. It comes from how you download what happens to you." Most of our pain comes from how we interpret what happens and what we tell ourselves about what happens. The second way Paul describes love is kind. We frequently hear sermons about saying kind things to other people, but are we saying kind things to ourselves? Or we filling our minds and hearts with negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves?

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I hope I've been able to begin to illustrate that the advice to "love yourself" does not have to be emotional or self-seeking advice for non-believers or hippies, but it can be taken for Christians as well. I want to discuss more ways 1 Corinthians chapter 13 can be applied to ourselves, but I do not have the time. Please stay tuned for my thoughts on demanding your own way, forgiving yourself, enduring, and hoping for yourself.

The Mystery of Grace

Towards the beginning of the summer, I wrote a post on my realization that God sees me, and that He is aware of me and cares specifically for me. Last week, after an incredible Spiritual Emphasis Week, I felt the need to write a post describing my interactions and reactions with what I learned in chapel.

But I was at a loss for words. Until tonight.

I was fighting the temptation to throw myself a pity party for some ridiculous reason when I hopped on to Twitter and saw a line from C.S. Lewis sitting on my homepage. 

Wow. "He sees because He loves, and therefore loves although He sees."

I acknowledged back in June that God loves us and sees us, but I still have a difficult time understanding God's love "although He sees." The fact that he loves even though he knows we are broken and messy. Being a natural rule-follower, I have legalistic tendencies, which show up in huge way in my interactions with sin and grace. Grace, to a rule-follower and people-pleaser like me, is ludicrous. It makes zero sense. Why would a perfect God choose to love and forgive a consistently sinful person like me? My confession is that I don't understand grace.

If God truly saw me, We reason, he would never love me. He would never forgive me. He would always be angry with me.
If my friends knew who I really was, they would be disappointed in me or just avoid me.
If, God forbid, I told my pastor or even a mentor or counselor, about my struggles or pain, I would be pegged as a psycho by everyone who knew.

Um, hello? None of that is true. I know, I know, it is so hard to believe it. For one, our godly friends are gifts from heaven who make up the body of Christ for us. They are there to bear our burdens.  A friend who will not only confront us with grace, but who will also hold us to accountable if and when we mess up again is extremely valuable (Galatians 6). Two, many times there are issues, struggles, or pain we legitmately cannot handle on our own. God gives us not only friends and family, but also pastors, mentors, counselors, and the like to walk with us through those dark places.

---

I'm in my second semester of counseling right now. It seems like forever ago when I asked one of the counselors on campus if we could talk. We dealt with my parents' divorce. We identified practical steps for dealing with a broken friendship. We talked about a personal struggle. I found freedom in naming my issues. I was working to learn from them and move on from them.

I signed up to continue counseling this semester without even thinking about it. I came back here to school three weeks ago, moved in, and began weekly meetings again. We both knew there was more to my story. I ignored it and my counselor didn't press for it.

And then one day I told him that we could do "feeling journals" for the rest of the semester, but I didn't feel like we would go anywhere until I told him the rest of the story. (Paul Harvey, anyone? Anyway...)

"There's more." I said simply. He nodded. Silently and obviously, I gathered the courage to open the door into one of the darkest places of my heart. It took almost four weeks, not to mention the semester prior, to get to that point where I could let someone in on the "stuffed stuff," meaning, the thoughts and experiences I tried so hard to forget. They keep coming back because, until that point, they had not been dealt with. Now, it is freeing that someone else knows me to my core. It is freeing to have a safe place to talk about things that have been hidden for so long.

---

So I have advocated for Christian siblings and for professional help, but I have failed to make the connection to God's grace. Yet. As Lewis said, "...He loves although He sees." Honestly, even as I sit here, I'm wondering if his love really is enough.

It seems to me that at any point, God could just stand up and say, "Look, Alex, I thought you were different. I thought my gift of salvation changed your life, but apparently you are still the sinful human now that you were back before salvation. It's too late for you. I'm tired of dealing with your crap."

Oh, how wrong that is! Brothers and sisters, God will never make that statement to any of us. I'm a firm believer in permanent salvation - God does not take it back.

Yet we know that God is holy, and, on our own, we are not. So, why does he love us? Because he wants to.

I was once told that the Japanese (and Chinese, I believe) symbol for righteousness is depicted by drawing the symbol for "lamb" above the symbol for "me." Thus, when God looks down from heaven, he doesn't see my sinfulness, but Christ (the lamb of God who took on the sin of the world) covering over me. (See more info here) This is righteousness. It is as if Jesus Christ, who never sinned, is like a white robe to cover me.

---

One of the most significant things I learned from Spiritual Emphasis Week is that God wants to come sit with me in my brokenness. He loves me enough to want to be invited into the dark places of my heart so we can drink Chai lattes (my drink of choice!) and feel that pain together. I believe the Holy Spirit is the person of the trinity who does just that.

And the reason that God can come into my place of sinfulness and pain with me? He's already forgiven me for it. "Christ suffered for our sins once for all time" (1 Peter). I think He is able to feel my pain because we have a high priest who sympathizes with us, namely, Jesus. He loves me intimately and wants me to trust him with the dark places. Isn't that beautiful?

Friends, God will not give up on you. I went to a Tenth Avenue North concert this past weekend and I was blown away by the stories Mike Donehey (the lead singer) shared about God's grace. I had pre-ordered the new album, The Struggle, when it was first available, but it wasn't until I heard Mike share stories and Biblical truths behind the album's songs that I was aware of how they really capture the idea of God's grace.

I hope to post more about grace as I'm learning to understand what I can of it, but I will leave you with this chorus from "The Struggle," by Tenth Avenue North.

Hallelujah, we are free to struggle
But we're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
Children, drop your chains and sing

Suddenly, freedom in Christ becomes a much more beautiful thing. Yes, God sees us because he loves us. As a direct result, he also loves us even though he sees us. All of us. They say a true friend knows everything about you and still loves you.

Oh what a friend we have in Jesus...

Confession: I Don't Do Well With Change

Maybe I'm just going crazy. I certainly feel like it.

The last two weeks have led me to a conclusion: I don't do well with change. Sure, I can handle going halfway around the world with 100+ people I've never met before and getting thrown into a culture and language I definitely did not study enough and facing responsibilities like riding the public bus by myself and imparting not only the English language but also the love of the Father to more than 20 Asian teenagers. Oh, sure. Difficult, but I survived and loved it.

What I can't handle is coming back for my third year in this city and at this college. Granted, I love this so much. I love where I'm living, I love living here in this area of this state, I love who I'm living with. I love my classes, professors, and (even sometimes) the homework.

But this is so stinkin' hard. My confession is that I'm having a much difficult time than I anticipated. I'm definitely feeling disoriented and confused.

For one, I almost got lost in the dorm where I spent two years of my life. I went to visit, and the whole thing was crazy weird. The halls and rooms are the same, but the decorations, names on the doors, and faces are different. I forgot that one staircase goes to all three floors and the basement, while the other only goes to the upper floors. I also entered that dorm's code into the electronic lock on my new terrace-dorm's door. Twice.

Two, I walked into the library more than thirty minutes ago. I literally know less than 40% of the people in the library who have been here since I've been here. So many faces are unfamiliar and voices unknown. I kinda don't know what to do anymore.

Three, I'm still unsure as to what extracurricular activities I'm supposed to be involved in. I mean, my relationship with my church has been weird because our college Sunday school has not yet started up again and I'm not going on Wednesday night anymore. I love all of them, and I miss them.
From first semester freshman year to almost a year ago, I was involved in a group that met for fellowship and Bible study each week. When my time with that ministry drew to a close almost a year ago, I suddenly found myself feeling very empty with how I was supposed to structure my time. I had been so busy for so long that I forgot what to do with myself. I spent October to December in that weird middle state until I began teaching ESL in a neighboring town with a group from my college in January.
Well, I have rejoined that ESL group only to find that there are all new teachers (except me) and I have been paired with a guy (who's engaged) to teach a class of three adult students. The thing is, change is a little unsettling to me. Especially because none of these people taught last semester. Especially because our class sizes are really small this semester. Especially because I don't know this guy very well and I'm worried about co-teaching with him because he's doing this for credit, while I'm just volunteering. So, I'm just a bit unsure of everything.
I feel like I should be stepping up to the roles to which God has called me. Roles like ESL teaching, discipling a friend who asked for help on a class requirement for discipleship, co-leading a small group of freshmen/transfer girls, etc., but I'm having a hard time doing so.

Four, the fact of singleness has hit me hard. I think it does every August, because returning back to school and seeing all the couples get together makes me feel lonely. Maybe moreso this year, I'm seeing couples actually getting married. Couples I know. None of my super-close friends, but people I know. And that's crazy scary. It feels like people are just growing up and moving on without me.  I know God is still doing great and wonderful things in me and through me before I have a guy in my life. But I'm waiting to know what more of those are. I'm learning that it's okay to step outside of my comfort zone a bit and it's okay to get to know people better and it's okay to choose not to hide from guys. Yet, I'm in that awkward stage of not liking anyone. And, again, I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.
Also, autumn/fall, as a season, has definitely been difficult for me for the last two or three years, so there are a lot of cold-weather "backseat driver" moments. And that's been hard as well.

In fact, as I was preparing for this post, I read a previous post of mine from October 2011 in which I wrote about God asking me to be tree. On that day, God showed me that he has great things for me, but he might just "shake my leaves" and ask me to "dig my roots deep" into him in preparation for those things. I wrote that God was telling me:

Look, I am bringing about new buds. Little bursts of growth and blessing. Alex, let me love you, and I will shower lush leaves upon you. I will bring about new growth and new experiences... I long for you to trust me, to hope in me, to have faith that what I am bringing about is best, even you don't understand, even when you're hurt. Let me love you. Let me demonstrate my faithfulness. I am the Lord your God.

You know what? Eleven months later, He is still telling me that. He's still asking me to come in close to him and fall in love with him and trust him and rely on him.

I think right now He's asking me to talk with him. Because how can we claim to love a God with whom we never talk?

What I'm Listening To:

 "Erosion" and "Learning to Breathe" - Switchfoot

"Skeleton Bones" and "Dress Us Up" - John Mark McMillan

Plans are for Wimps

I have completed a successful first week of my junior year. Successful by His providence alone! 

Keep reading to see why plans are for wimps.

I began reading Jesus Calling by Sarah Young at the beginning of this week. Maintaining a consistent devotional time, while difficult during the hectic school semester, is vitally important. Obviously, some days are better than others, but it's not important that we stick to a firm schedule with absolute laws, but rather that we meet to commune with the Lord. (By the way, if you're looking for ideas, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers is what I read last year, and I highly recommend it.)

Anyway, Jesus Calling is themed as if Jesus himself were speaking to the reader. Here is today's selection...

I don't know if you know this yet, but I am a HUGE planner. I plan everything. Sometimes it's a bit annoying.  I love to plan, to organize, to structure, to consolidate and make things more efficient. This is a good gift, I'm told, but it is also a weakness for me. 

The line from this devotional reading that caught me is: "Your natural preference is to plan out your day; knowing what will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed." In my natural desire and normal gift to plan and prepare and organize, I often miss what God wants to do. Yes, there is a need for structure and other administrative gifts, but there is also a time to (depending on your theology)  let randomness take it's course, or to let providence have it's prominence. 

See, God is all about doing things that probably do not and will not make sense to us. Often, it's later (or sometimes never) that he reveals how things are working together. Remember, of course, that He works all things together for those who love him and who are called according to his purposes. 

Take for example: today. After reading through this devotional and praying that I would "depend on God for my direction," (a little half-heartedly, I might add), I went about my day as usual. I knew I wanted to go to the women's soccer game on campus at 5pm. So, with my roommate, I did. And then we went to Ingles and spent way too much time buying too many things we didn't need. All of that was planned and normal and comfort-zone.

Then we went through the McDonalds drive-through to get a snack, and lo and behold, my automatic window broke. I couldn't roll it down! So I ambled through the drive-through like a nerd with a broken window. On the way back, I realized a lovely spider friend had joined us in the car! Like I said, I couldn't roll my window down! Of. Course.

When we got back to campus, my roommate suggested we go play piano and sing in the small chapel, so we went ahead and spent some time in worship. While we were out, we also visited the coffeeshop (which was closed) and the student lounge (which contained some Star Wars fans during an episode marathon).

And then we happened upon a group of freshman sitting in a circle with some guitars. We passed by them earlier and sang a song with them, but I was convinced I didn't want to stay there. When we passed by the second time, my roommate promised we would just spend five minutes singing with them. 

Those five minutes turned in one hour! My roommate invited them to our terrace. We gave them hot tea and talked about life and fun experiences. We invited them to evening prayer that my roommate hosts and we added them on Facebook. It was completely unplanned. I didn't even want to hang out with them, but I found myself enjoying their company and really wanting to get to know each of them. 

What is the chance that I could rely on my roommate's friendliness and on God's provision to actually enjoy this weirdly-awesome change of plans? Uh, actually, it's not chance. It is totally the plans of God. See, when I let go of my plans, God does some awesome things, like putting a few awesome people into my life. Yes, I'm an introvert. Yes, I need structure. Yes, I need plans. But, like the devotional says, growing strong in my weakness (and these things can be weaknesses at times), is a process of relying on God to give me strength when He has called me to things I feel like I can't do.

We are strong when we rely on His strength. We don't have to worry when we rely on His plans. So, it's okay to make some plans, but do so with flexibility, because God loves to shake them up!

Impossible

It's become almost like a curse word to me now: the "i" word. Let me explain...

My last full day in Asia, my own shortsightedness and humanity hit me in the face. For all my group's previous large-group meetings, we had been in a fairly big room with a projector, floor to ceiling windows, and several rows of chairs. Yet for some reason, we were scheduled to gather in a much smaller room for our final meeting. My roommate and I arrived around 8 minutes early to find the room empty, save for a few scattered tables. We were very confused.

A minute later, a man arrived who would be conducting part of the meeting. He clarified who he was and that this was the room we were meeting in, and then he asked for our help to arrange the room. We began folding tables and unstacking chairs as more people arrived. Soon, there were at least ten of us arranging rows and occasionally pausing to count the chairs.

The entire time, I kept saying to myself and, even more unfortunately, to the people around me: "This is not going to work. There isn't enough room. This area is too small. How are we going to fit more than seventy people in here?" I remember once, leaning over to my roommate and saying a bit too loudly, "This is just impossible."

Less than ten minutes later, the room was arranged and seating was provided for more than seventy people.

When I realized what had just happened, I felt extremely humiliated. I found a seat on the second row and sat down, feeling awkward and probably blushing a bit. The good news is that the man who had asked us to help wasn't bothered at all by my doubt, and he struck up a conversation with me before the meeting started.

It occurred to me later that God did a lot of impossible things this summer. I mean, seriously, I lived half-way around the world for more than five weeks and not only survived, but loved it. My team and I led, organized, and taught a three-week English camp to almost 200 Asian teenagers. I built friendships with my team, my students, and a bunch of Lao college kids that I hope will be lasting. I saw the need for prayer and some methods of prayer and I discovered the importance of intentionality in relationships. I lost my wallet, but thankfully not my ID or passport, and I received my replacement debit card in the mail in perfect timing. And, with about 9 other people, I set up seventy chairs in a room which I thought could not hold that many people.

And I realized: Nothing is impossible for God. When I'm putting my trust in the Almighty Father, He is truly that: All. Mighty. Omnipotent. Can't the One who created the world also work in the world? He is not a hands-off God, He is an active and present and all-knowing God.

Nothing is impossible for Him. He works everything out in His ways and with His provision. We may feel as if that limits Him, but it doesn't. It only shows his greatness and omnipotence. I guess I should stop saying that things are impossible. Saying that just proves that I am not trusting my Father. "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)

What I'm Listening To:

"Grace" - Tenth Avenue North

"You Do All Things Well" - Tenth Avenue North

A "Real" Missionary: How We're Always on Assignment

A lot of people think that missions is giving up of luxuries in Jesus's name. Like "I'm not a real missionary unless I go to the farthest corner of the earth and have no running water and run an undercover house church."

But that is not true. Serving the Lord in missions is an act of giving up your selfcenteredness for His glory so that He may use you to love on and minister to the people He desires to draw to Himself. Simply, it's not always giving up world-defined "luxuries." It's giving up anything which draws your attention back to yourself. Anything that keeps you from being selfless. Anything that keeps you from listening to the Spirit as he directs your steps. Anything that keeps you from building relationships with the people who need to hear of His saving grace and forgiveness.

If you can selflessly serve the Lord in a one room shack in the middle of India to poverty-stricken Hindus, you are doing missions. If you can selflessly serve the Lord in a tiny Hong Kong apartment in the heart of a big city among unreached businessmen, you are doing missions. If you can selflessly serve the Lord in a four bedroom house near the mountains of the Carolinas among "situational" and "nominal" Christians, you are doing missions.

Missions is not always the act of being luxury-less, it is the act of being selfless. Sometimes the two are the same thing. Sometimes God calls us to be his hands and feet to people who literally have nothing and are starving and naked and thirsty. And sometimes he calls us to be his hands and feet to people who seemingly have everything, but who in reality are as broken and needy as those who have nothing.

The organization I served with this summer primarily ministers to the educated of Asia. These people have food, they have shelter, but they are hungry for hope.

Yes, there is a dire need for people like us to meet the physical needs of the poor around the world. Even Jesus did that. He healed the lepers and fed the hungry before he told them the Good News. As a teacher, I like to say that my students won't care how much I know until they know how much I care. It's the same thing with the Good News. People won't care what you know (Jesus cares) until they know that you care. I'm not saying there isn't a call for physical needs (like hunger, thirst, illness, and nakedness) to be met. I would like to argue that there is more. There is also a call for emotional and mental needs to be met. Help meet the first need (whichever one God has equipped you to meet) and people will be open to hearing about how God can meet their spiritual need.

 Don't ever think that if your calling doesn't take you out of the country or to the poorest of the poor that you somehow aren't good enough. Because sometimes the orphans of the world are AIDS-infected African children. And sometimes they are black-haired, light-brown-skinned teenagers with almond-shaped-eyes whose biological parents have never told them that they love them.

And unless we learn to love the people around us in situations that don't actually call us to give up "big" or comfortable things, how can we ever love the people around us in the situations that do?

A lot of people think that missions is simply showing the Jesus film and planting a church. Maybe digging a fresh water well, too. Those things are great and we need them. But I think that "missions" can be more accurately defined as a lifestyle, not a profession. And way more than a summer trip.

We can choose professions like pastor, teacher, translator, counselor, and even auto mechanic, and can use those jobs as part of our missional lifestyle. That's one problem I have with majoring in Cross-Cultural Studies, like many people at my college do. Because what are you going to do with that? Why not get additional training? Major in Counseling and minor in CCS, so you then have a practical skill. Not only can that grant you entrance into a creative-access country, but it is actually a marketable profession you can do and get paid for and do missions through. Or major in Cross-Cultural Adult Education, because education is a great tool for relationship building which can lead to some awesome conversations.

Don't think that only people with a cross-cultural or inter-cultural studies degree can serve as a missionary. Missions is a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle whether you are overseas or in your home country. It's an assignment to make known the name of Christ wherever you are.

Interestingly, you never retire from mission work. We are always on an assignment, which proves that missions isn't something that only happens in other countries. 2 Peter chapter 3 says, "Always be ready to explain [your Christian hope]," not just when you sign up to go on a mission trip. I want to leave you with this quote from Father Sullivan...

We say the missionary is coming ‘home’. Perhaps that is the problem, for in fact, the missionary is not coming home. For it is as difficult to return and begin as it was to begin when you first went. The person has changed, the culture has changed, and the politics of the country has changed. So let’s reconceptualise it: we are not coming home, we are going on a new assignment. We have made that transition once, let’s build on a previous experience and feel we are going on a new commitment. This takes a lot of work.

What I'm Listening To:

"Send Us to the Nations" - Jarod Espy / Arisen

"All the Poor and Powerless" - All Sons and Daughters
"I Refuse" - Josh Wilson

Pages from My Asia Notebook (Part 2)

This post contains two passages from the journal I took to Asia. This is part two of two. I hope you'll see that living overseas is hard, but that God shows up in big ways.

7/24/12
I'm learning a lot about selflessness so far. I mean, the trip and the city and the food are new and exciting for a time. And then all that wears off and you're left with tired feet, unorganized lesson plans, lost wallets, janitors who throw your classroom decorations away, a difficult conversation, a language and culture you can't decipher, people who aren't speaking your love language, unresponsive students, buses that never come, a chipped tooth, a level 10 typhoon, a night you're unable to sleep, cravings for a restaurant on the other side of the world, a difficult provided Bible study, and a wondering in your heart if your students will ever see His love. It's not easy.
When the fun and excitement wears off, His love remains. His people remain. Relationships (with the Creator of the world first and with the community He's given us after that) are what surpass country lines and culture shock. They will provide for us to push through the difficulties and trust His faithfulness even in the bleak times, even when we worry or doubt or fear. He's there no matter where we are, at home or half way around the world, loving us just the same, desiring to work through us just the same.

7/26/12

I've had "I Believe You Will Come Like the Rain" stuck in my head for days now. It rains everyday here. 

Paul could tell the Philippians honestly, "...Everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News" (Phil 1:12). He didn't know (at the time all the crap was happening) that all of it would work perfectly together to bring about the Good News. And he probably never saw it working together perfectly with his own eyes. But he believed the Father.

I don't know how my life is going to work out. Honestly, I don't know. It's scary. But God is good. He works everything out for my good and His glory, so the Good News will be spread.

That God of ours, He works everything out for good and glory. We are called to let Him use us. And He is faithful to equip us for the work to which He's called us.

Pages from My Asia Notebook (Part 1)

Welcome Back! As you know, I spent the last five weeks in Asia teaching, sight-seeing, and catching a vision, and I returned to the States almost a week ago. It was an amazing and challenging trip that put things into perspective and solidified my calling. I would like to share with you some passages from the notebook/journal I used in Asia. This is part one of two. Enjoy!

7/12/12
So, I met my class two days ago. They are absolutely adorable and I love all of them. To think that the Father loves all of them more than I ever will is simply amazing.
I shared the devo tonight (we each have two nights to share a devo with the rest of the team). I shared about Lowercase People - the bus drivers, waitresses, 7-11 employees, school janitors, etc. They are not our primary focus, but they are making this trip possible. (Great tie to Switchfoot as well!) I received lots of comments about how good it was and I said "thank you" - that's it. It was good for me. What a blessing to hear that, even when everyone was tired.

Out to lunch with some students.

I'm thankful for taxi cabs when we don't want to ride the bus and good seats when we do. I'm thankful for snacks and cold water and the internet and students who listen when we talk. I'm thankful for students who will invite me to lunch and Ms. Bersa and Mr. Wong who also invite us. I'm thankful for sleep.

7/15/12
What an amazing two weeks it's been. I can say I love sitting at the harbor with my team at Tsim Sha Tsui looking over the Hong Kong skyline. It was beautiful. I really love my team - though sometimes each of them can get a bit annoying at times. Making sure I get enough food, rest, and introvert time makes loving them easier.

Some of the team and me at the TST Harbor.

I am reminded of His forgiveness when I compare myself to His standard and find I can never measure up. We celebrated communion at fellowship today and the leader said: "We take communion because we love the Lord a little and want to love Him a more... When we celebrate it, we do so not out of guilt, but by remembering that Christ has clothed us in his white robes of righteousness." No guilt in communion, only grace and forgiveness and remembrance.

The God Who Sees: Free Verse and Playlist

I wanted to share some final thoughts as I get ready to leave for Asia in a few short hours. I have been thinking about God as a God who sees. A month ago, I wrote a free verse poem / blog post about the fact that God sees us. Below, I have included that poem as well as my Summer 2012 so far iTunes playlist and a song from the playlist that I am especially enjoying right now.

"Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. She said, 'You are the God who sees me.' She also said, 'Have I truly seen the One who sees me?'"

- Genesis 16:13

and He sees His daughter… 

This kinda hit me in the face over the last couple days…

God is here. He sees me. He hears me. He’s looking at me. He knows me. He acknowledges me. He desires me. He wants me. He hopes for me. He plans for me. He is in love with me. He cherishes me. He longs for me. He is here for me. He is proud of (not disappointed about) me. He is near to (not far off from) me.
He is honest with me. He is gracious to me. He is forgiving to me. He is honored because of me. He is majestic before me. He is just and pure towards me. He is appreciative of me. He is strong for me. He is mindful of me. He sees me. He notices me. More than that, I am important to him.

God sees you. And he loves you. He does not run away when he sees you approaching. He loves you. He comes near. He invites you on his lap where he can love you and embrace you and welcome you.

He’s God and he loves us. Oh, how he loves.

What I'm Listening To:

("Summer 2012" Edition)

"Party in the USA" - Miley Cyrus

"Hold On" - B*Witched

"I Refuse" - Josh Wilson

"Never Gonna Let You Go" - Ben Rector

"Sweetly Broken" - Jeremy Riddle

"Naive Orleans [Acoustic]" - Anberlin

"My Story" - Addison Road

"All This Time" - Britt Nicole

"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." 

- Joshua 1:9

Spiritually Prepared

My biggest fear going into college was that I wouldn't make any friends. God radically challenged and demolished that fear by blessing me with an amazing group of friends I have kept and loved these last two years. I would not be here without them.

Now, when it comes to my five week trip to Asia (which I leave for in 7 days!), my biggest fear is that I am not spiritually prepared enough. It's like this little sneaky feeling that I should be somewhere else (farther or deeper or stronger) in my relationship with God and that I'm just not there yet. I was actually really upset that I was not as "Christian" as I thought I should be before embarking on this trip.

The organization I'm serving with really emphasizes preparation and  pre-trip planning, even providing a Bible study, a journal devotional, and a book on servanthood to prepare us for the trip and the ministry we'll be doing. I think that's great, but it was affecting my outlook on the trip in general. I felt like I was not good enough to go to Asia in the first place. Fortunately, I was wrong. It's not about my "good-ness" or ability. It's about God's goodness and ability. He will equip me to do the good work he is calling me to. The pre-trip devotionals and Bible studies are for the purpose of opening my eyes and heart so I am willing to let him use me. They serve little purpose than to help me be aware, to help open and keep open the lines of communication between me and God.

Tirzah Presbyterian Church

I learned this while I was on a mini road trip today. This morning, I woke up at 6:30am and drove a little over an hour to a city a couple counties over from mine. It was fairly spontaneous, as the idea occurred to me late yesterday afternoon, and I wasn't sure exactly where I was going. I ended up doing everything I set out to do. First, I visited a tiny unincorporated community called Tirzah. In Hebrew, "Tirzah" is a female name which means "She is my delight" and it is found in the Bible as both a name and a city. I've always wanted to visit it just because of the name, but I learned today that the little town is just one street long! The road (Tirzah Rd) is about a mile and a half long and it literally has one church and a bunch of pretty houses. That's it. I wondered why I drove all the way there to drive down one street. Later, I went to the County library and found old records from the church, but nothing to explain why it was named Tirzah.

I think I set out trying to prove that I was beautiful or to find beauty. Maybe if I'm beautiful, I found myself reasoning, my Father will notice me. Or maybe I went about it trying to prove that I was somehow a good Christian, that I could go be away with God somewhere and have an amazing experience and come back spiritually renewed and glowing. Initially, I didn't set out looking to spend more time with God; I set out trying to be someone I wasn't.

Tirzah Road sign

After that random adventure, I drove to the Glencairn Gardens, a volunteer-run flower garden in the area. I spent some time taking pictures of nature and enjoying the scenery. Then I settled in for Jesus time. And let me tell you, God showed up without me needing to pressure him into coming. Or get down on my hands and knees and beg his presence. Not that there's anything wrong with asking God to be among us. The fact is that I learned that He already is. It matters so much to me that God sees me, that he notices me, that he finds me important, significant, and yes, beautiful. I failed to realize that he already does.

I don't have to do anything to get his attention because I already have it. He has carved my name into the palms of his hands. He doesn't just walk away when I need him or ignore me when I call him or find something more interesting to do. He always wants to hear my voice.

Flower at the Gardens

Thus, I realized I tend to focus on myself way too much. Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest had this to say today: "The continual inner-searching we do in an effort to see if we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, sickly type of Christianity, not the vigorous and simple life of a child of God."

I honestly felt like I wasn't good enough, and that held me back from doing so much. Chambers says that the correct attitude is to "launch out in reckless, unrestrained belief that the redemption is complete," because even if it isn't, we are made right with God in Christ, and we should move on from ourselves. At some point, we should not "worry anymore about [ourselves], but begin to do as Jesus has said...". Which is: prayer and service. Sometimes as Christians, we get this weird idea that sanctification and ministry are not simultaneous. I would like to argue that they almost always happen at the same time. God has saved me and is saving me and I'm working out my salvation through my work for God's kingdom.

The point is that God sees and notices and loves me. Sometimes I still have to be reminded of that. Because he so generously lavishes love and forgiveness on me, I can go and serve and minister to others, even if I don't feel perfect or even good enough. You know why?

Because we "are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that [we] may declare the praises of him who called [us] out of darkness into this wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:9). He chose us to serve him. And if we waited until we were perfect to start serving, we would be in heaven already. (Alone, of course, because a nice portion of that serving is missions work.)

In this post from March, I included 1 Peter 2:9 because I heard it twice in one less-than-two-hour period and I couldn't figure out why. However, today, when I opened My Utmost for His Highest and saw that 1 Peter 2:9 was the headlining verse, I knew God was going to speak to me through it. It was like he had given me a little taste beforehand so I'd know when to pay attention when he used that verse to speak to me. What a strange blessing from the Lord!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is going to use me how and where he wants me. He is going to equip me for the work to which he's called me. And I don't have to be superwoman or super-Christian. I just have to be willing.

What I'm Listening To:

"You're Beautiful" - Phil Wickham

"Something Beautiful" - NeedtoBreathe

Switchfoot on shuffle