Memories Are Funny Things

So, the play is over. It went marvelous. The stage kiss got better each time, as did my characterization. I felt like my character. Pretty cool stuff. Tons of people came to support me and my fellow actors / actresses. Lots of thanks to those people who made the play possible, not to mention those who have impacted me and reminded me that mentally and physically disabled people are people, too.
If you didn't know, we performed the play, Flowers for Algernon. It's about a disabled young man (Charlie Gordon) who receives an operation that will make him "smart". I played Charlie's teacher, Alice Kinnian. The most important quote of the play is when Charlie says that he is a human being, "And I was before you wheeled me into that operating room". It gives me chills.
And to think - my last high school play is this thought-provoking, deeper-meaning, powerful play.
The poem (You Remain, below) is about the fact that life goes on. After the best time with friends, you still wake up in the morning and go on about your life. After the worst fight or break-up or whatever, there's tomorrow. And after all that, what remains? What's left?
So, the play is over. Tuesday at 1:30pm, we'll be packing up props and sweeping the stage instead of rehearsing a scene and setting the stage. We'll be smiling at pictures that have been posted on Facebook instead of smiling for pictures that haven't been posted yet.
And some people may say: So, it wasn't worth it. Which, obviously, it was. The message of the play (disabled and handicapped people are people, too), the friendships that have grown, the memories that have formed... All those things are worth it. Definitely worth it!

Poetry No. 2

You Remain
When all else fails
Still You remain
When everything passes
Still You remain
When what was once prized sits idly by
Still You remain

And Onward

Hey, so, I don't know if I told you, but I got a new laptop. And it's beautiful. It's a Dell Inspiron 15 in red. And it's nice.

In other news, opening night for the play was today. I was so nervous! It went well, though. Well, mostly. At the end of the play, the lead guy and I have a kissing scene. Now, I'm saving my first kiss for my fiance. So obviously we were going to go a stage kiss. (Which I'm fine with, but he wouldn't practice with me beforehand.) So, our first (stage) kiss was stage on opening night, which was earlier today.

So, yeah, pretty interesting. In actuality, he put his thumbs on my lips and kissed my nose. I told him we had to practice, but I don't know if we will. I don't want anything to happen unless it's our characters, not us, you know? And it needs to be longer than the two seconds he barely pecked my nose, lol. :)

Alright, more later.

So...

... I talked to the guy today. Everything's wonderful. I know why he was acting strange, and things are getting better. I'm proud of him again. It's going to work out great, I think. And he texted me tonight about a Key Club event tomorrow (and said some funny things along the way).

Anyway, the play is going nicely and I have high hopes it will go well. My co-star (lol, he's really the star) is jut getting better and better.

Prom is a different story. A friend of mine was going to ask a guy friend of hers from our Math class to go to Prom with her. But he's taken. By the one girl she can't stand - a girl who flirted very obviously with him when she still attended our school. I know it's all just school drama, but my friend is upset. She had planned a perfect prom around her daydreams, and now it's not coming true. Now she's planning to take a guy friend of hers who attends a different school and who is friends with another one of our girl friends. (If this isn't making sense, it's okay!) Anyway, her mom doesn't know this guy personally, and would much rather if I double-dated with her. Now the problem is finding me a date. There are only 2 options in the senior class (My guy from Homecoming is taken) and I would be completely willing to attend prom with either one. The problem is actually getting one.

My friend wants to ask one of them to ask me. But isn't that kind of middle-school-ish? I don't know. It's all so complicated.

I guess I will wait until after the play is over to bother with that. I mean, sure, prom is important. But there's still time. And I'm not ready to dive into that realm again for some time. Guys are just so complicated.

Guys…

You can’t live with them; you can’t live without them.

Back in January, I asked a guy a year younger than me to escort me to Homecoming, where I received the title of Miss Senior. He was a very Godly guy who had served as a Key Club officer with me.

Before Homecoming, everything was relatively normal. He was a typical guy: funny, approachable. During Homecoming prep and that night, we was so hilarious, and everything he said was perfect. After Homecoming, things started to change.

By now, everything is different. He won’t look at me, won’t talk to me. Last Thursday, I saw his mom (who’s really sweet) and she suggested we take can tabs the Key Club had been collecting to the Ronald McDonald house together. He didn’t seem too happy. Earlier last week, I was speaking with him and my faculty advisor about college choices. He wouldn’t look in my direction. This morning, he saw me behind him, but he didn’t hold the door for me – which is something he knows is important to me.

In accordance with advice from my mom and one of my friends (and against the advice of another friend), I’ve decided to speak to him about it. I will do that tomorrow.

Oh, and did I mention he has a date to prom? Not me, of course. I mean, I would like him to go to prom with someone he likes, a girl from his class. Of course, that leaves me with the senior guys who wouldn’t go out with me to save their lives.

What’s a girl to do?

Spring

Spring is just around the corner. I mean, DST is literally tonight! But also, today was the first day this season I wore capri pants. I love those things. Not only were my pants still in the washer and dryer, but it was a bit warm outside.

I went to a Kiwanis Pancake Breakfast with my very wonderful Key Club members and I made pancakes with them. Then I went with my mom to Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond to make bridal registries for her.

It kind of hit me there, walking behind her with a scanner. "Do we need this? Do we need that?" It was almost as if I didn't need to be there - like she was 23 again, looking for stuff for her first wedding. I mean, she was obviously looking for her second marriage and she told the salespeople that. I don't know, it just felt weird.

But I am glad that she asked me to come along. I'm a part of this. It's not just two people coming together. It's the blending of two families.

In other news, birthday dinner with my friends is tonight! I'm so excited. I love these people. Happy Birthday to me!

Poetry No. 1

(No, poetry is not required to have rhyme or rhythm. This is called "free verse".)

The Same Anymore

Did you want more?
I saw it as a date to serve a purpose
A function in which I needed someone on my arm
It was a chance to get to know you and enjoy myself that night

Did I want more?
Maybe you saw it as my invitation
And when I didn't take another step in that direction
Were you wondering? Were you let down? Is that why things just aren't

the same anymore?

Tomorrow

I turn eighteen tomorrow at 2:32pm. It's pretty exciting. I'm totally exhausted, so I'm just going to go to sleep now. Goodnight!

Is This What I Meant?

I'm writing this after a seemingly normal day in the life of me. I woke up, ate breakfast, checked my e-mail, drove to school, went to English where I talked about poems, went to Bible where I took a quiz and did a worksheet, went to Science where I took a test, went to lunch, went to Economics where I watched a Dave Ramsey video, drove home and did four transactions on my Economics project, worked on my Key Club Scholarship, checked my Facebook, then I ate leftover Taco soup and watched Law and Order: Criminal Intent until I left for Bible Study which was at the coffee shop, I led the lesson at Bible Study about Abraham after listening to one of our members practice her speech on faberge eggs for her class tomorrow, then I came home and watched House with my mom as I made a Facebook event for next week's Bible Study and talked with a friend about a possible move night next week, then I got my laptop and went into my room where I continued to work on my scholarship application, and where I realized that I was supposed to buy a costume for the upcoming play, in which I play the main female role, then I logged on to my online yearbook program to work on my page which is due the day after tomorrow, and then I logged in here.

And it occurred to me: On Thursday I will be 18 years old. Of course, I've been planning events and talking about it with my friends, but it finally hit me. I suddenly realized: Wow. I wondered: When I was younger, and I dreamed about being 18, is this what I had meant? Is this what I had envisioned for my future?

I had always wanted to be involved and active in my world and have a lot of friends and a boyfriend and a car and that sort of thing. And sure, I'm the president of my school's Key Club, I'm a member of my church and my church's youth group, and my church's youth group's leadership team, and my church's Guest Services team, and... But sometimes it just seems like busy-ness. My younger self always thought that I would find immense fulfillment in every activity I undertook, yet my busy days look like just that - busy days. Not this perfect teenager who succeeds at everything she does. (Because I don't!)

I guess my question is: Am I who I thought I would be?

The answer is two-fold: Yes and no. Yes, activities like Key Club and youth group and Bible Study and my babysitting business have brought me out of my terribly shy shell and given me the experience to do more in my future, but no, I'm not perfect. I'm not the ideal teenager with a perfect life. No, I don't have a boyfriend and I struggle with thoughts that I'm not good enough every day.

I've always had this "perfect" mentality. You may see it in the lives of adults who say things like this: "I just need that job or that kind of car or a house in that neighborhood or those kinds of kids... and then I'll be good enough. Then I'll be perfect. Then I will be better than the Joneses." Well, I had this perfect little teenager ideal picked out for me: Car, Boyfriend, Job, president of some clubs, straight As, all the extracurriculars, overly kind, open to everyone... I could go on forever.

And now my question is: Do I want to be who I thought I would be? Do I want that ideal teenage life?

The answer is no. When we pick and choose these "perfect" labels, we forget God's plan. See, God doesn't want us to be "successful" as much as he wants us to serve him. Maybe God wants you in this particular neighborhood instead of the one you have your eyes on, so you can minister to the people here. Maybe God doesn't want you to join 10 groups in high school. Maybe He wants you to invest your life into 1 or 3 where you can make a big difference for Him. Maybe I don't have a boyfriend because he wants to use me as a single lady for his purposes, maybe to encourage someone else who isn't dating.

Riddle me this: Is the dirt-poor missionary in Africa any less successful than the famous wealthy movie star with 3 broken marriages?

Yeah, it's hard to say that I'll give God my everything, because I want my money! I want my time! I want my love life! I want, I want! It's hard to say that I will care about heavenly successes more than earthly successes. It's hard to say that treasures in heaven are more important to me than treasures on earth. It's hard to say that I'm more interested in God telling me "Well done, good and faithful servant" than the scholarship board telling me "Congratulations, here's your $1,000 scholarship".

But what really matters?

"Money is given you by God so that you might use it in such a way that it is plain to everyone that money is not your treasure Christ is!"

- John Piper

People get it living for a job,
Make a little money start living for a car,
Get 'em a wife, a house, kids and a dog,
Then they retire, they living high on the hog,
But guess what? They didn’t ever really live at all,
To live is Christ, and that’s Paul I recall,
To die is gain and for Christ we give it all,
He's the treasure you’ll never find in a mall,
See, your money, your singleness, marriage, talents, your time,
They were loaned you to show the world that Christ is divine

- Don't Waste Your Life By: LeCrae

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

- Matthew 6:21