Switchfoot on the Drive Home and “Boys”

Yesterday, I drove home a different way for the first time. I had my windows down and the radio way too loud, letting Switchfoot and this surprisingly warm February speak to my soul. It was such a blessing.

Recently, my heart’s been breaking over relationships. For one, Student Government elections tend to bring out the worst in people. I left the Open Forum early, but I heard it got a little heated towards the end. And I heard some slightly accusatory questions before I left. Why? Are we Christians when we’re going to church and feeding the homeless, but not when we’re choosing the next SGA president? I’m aware that SGA is not a “religious” organization, but we are all Christians and I think a little more should have been said for the character of the candidates. Like, who is connected to a church and serving whole-heartedly? My favorite teacher in high school once said that the best way to find out if a boy is a man is to ask him how many trenches he’s dug. Hard work usually makes for excellent character.

Speaking of which, this whole issue with “boys” and “men” intrigues me. A couple weekends ago, a good friend and I went to visit our mutual friends at a nearby college. At one point in the evening, one of our friends was talking about her developmental psychology class last semester in which the professor would not let any student refer to people of their own age group as “girls” or “boys.” The professor required students to say “women” and “men.” (This was because college students are physically, mentally, and legally adults.)

Interestingly, I’ve seen that when we’re upset with each other, we refer to each other as if we were children. Last week, in less than a two hour time frame, two friends came to me to talk about “boys” who they termed as “stupid.” I listened to their stories. And yes, the males in the circumstances made some stupid decisions. But in all honesty, it pained me to hear my female friends describe our brothers in this way. All of the guys mentioned in these conversations profess to be Christians. Yes, they may do some not-so-smart stuff, but they are not “stupid boys.” They are 19 to 20-something-year-old men who serve the same God we do.

Have you ever seen this picture on a book or T-shirt? I laughed the very first time I saw it. I mean, all girls (there I go again…) understand it because all of us have been hurt by a guy at one time or another. Or multiple times.  But today it just makes me angry.


One of my guy friends is particularly fond of the word “destroy” and he often uses it to describe the way he feels after a good philosophical argument destroys what he thought he knew. Recently, however, he also used it to explain the way a good friend of his was destroyed by his ex-girlfriend. It caught me off-guard when my friend wrote, “…you're not a guy if a girl hasn't destroyed you at some point.” I would agree that (vice versa) is true for girls as well. But anyway, my point is that girls (women) do stupid things, too. We often don’t realize it, because girls and guys do stupid things in different ways.

That’s why that picture makes me angry. Why, when we all do stupid things or do good things stupidly, do we call each other stupid? Hey, does the Golden Rule to treat others the way we want to be treated or the Christian mandate to love your neighbor go out the window when a guy hurts you?

I’m not minimizing the pain, believe me. After my dad left when I was eight, I’ve been sensitive to the pain that male-female relationships cause. And most recently, the loss of a good guy friend and the ministry we shared. It’s been months now, and I can honestly say that I’ve forgiven him. I’m moving on. I’m healing. Good friends have been pouring into me, helping me release the pain and to stop holding on to what happened. I like to use it as a shield, to keep me from getting close to guys again, and friends have been showing me how to love with boundaries, not shields, and to learn to trust again.

In no way am I saying your pain from a male-female relationship isn’t real. But the thing we must remember is that we are all broken people. What happened is not okay, but you are okay. You will be okay. God is in the process of restoring broken people. And that guy? He will be okay. Healing and moving on will come. And it will come when you two are working through it separately. Switchfoot sings an awesome and deep song about some healing and moving on.

I’m asking that we learn to love each other despite and through our shortcomings. Yes, sin hurts. Like crap. But what about forgiveness? What about love?

Let me close this post…

• Guys (men), your sisters have been hurt. A lot of us are deeply terrified of dating. Yes, it would be nice, but we are striving to pursue what God wants for us, and to work on our personal healing and goals before we begin a relationship. I speak for many of us: please just be our brothers. There will be time for pursuing girls romantically.
• Girls (women), your brothers have been hurt. A lot of them are afraid and apprehensive of dating. Yes, they would probably love to be dating, but they want to pursue God’s healing and God’s purposes for their lives before a dating relationship. I can’t speak for them, but I do know that they admire us as their sisters and we should continue to be there for them the way sisters should. Dating will come in time.

Overall, keep loving. No matter what, we are still brothers and sisters.

“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” (John 13:35)

Coming to Terms

On their new album, Switchfoot sings,

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
....
I want to thrive, not just survive...

Finding words for this post was difficult, I'm just going to be honest, and the post seems all over the place and scrambled. This week has been like an emotional roller coaster. I learned this week to let go of the things I carry around with me. It's like an unspoken rule that I always have to be upset or angry over something; I must always have a grudge on someone. I like to hold on to what happened and let it fester. Even if I've already forgiven and "moved on," bringing it up again to complain about it is somehow comforting.

The truth is that I should just get over some of those difficult things I carry around with me. Others of them, however, while I may have moved past them in one sense, are deeply embedded into who I think I am. Those usually deserve some deeper thought and prayer (maybe some evaluations, some changes, etc), but they are definitely not the end of the world. Nothing really is. God's got me no matter what, and I need to remember that.

On Monday, I had my first appointment with one of the counselors here on campus. I realized I could not deal with issues from last semester, seven years ago, twelve years ago, etc., on my own. Plenty of hurt surfaced, some related, some not, and I had to talk it out. I had to pray about it. I had to stop bugging my friends with my same, ridiculous issues again and again, and I needed someone to talk to who wasn't nineteen years old and living in a college dorm. I realized not only am I more than what has happened to me, but I'm also more than what I've done. God does forgive sin.

I feel a bit ashamed to admit that I broke down at church on Wednesday. I felt so alone. It was stupid, really. With my extremely sensitive nature, I took some sarcastic comments a little too personally and they became the straw on the camel's back of my emotions. With the help of my pastor's lovely wife and a good friend, I realized that we are all, essentially, the same. We all have crap in our lives. We all have needs and desires: psycho-social, physical, mental, emotional, relational, psychological, spiritual, and more. We all have this overwhelming emptiness, this innate yearning for something more. We all fear that we are just not good enough or we just don't quite fit. Therefore, it is wrong to complain about our issues, because, let's face it, others are hurting, too. This does not mean that our true friends do not want to hear from us. Or that its wrong to have a bad day or need some crying time or whatever. It just means that we should be living with our eyes ahead, lifted to God's grace, whether we are on the mountains or in the valleys of life. Don't get so bogged down in the things of life. Name them, learn from them, and move on.

Please be praying for my dad and stepmom. This past week, two relatives and friends of theirs passed away, both pretty suddenly. I have been praying for and seeking a way to talk with them about Jesus, and while this was definitely not expected, it does provide a prime chance to talk. Please pray for that.

But there is good news, my friends!

On Thursday, I was blessed with two generous donations for my trip to China this summer. God is so good. I cannot imagine how poor college students could have contribution so much already. Your prayers are coveted for the trip, especially for the teenagers I will be teaching, either middle or school or high school grade(s).

Also, I will be teaching (substituting) in an ESL class on Tuesday. I usually team-teach the Advanced class with a friend, but this week I am substituting alone, for the beginner's class, which is super exciting.

Finally, to end on a good note, I want to show you a blog post I wrote when I was turning 18. I asked if I was what I thought I would be, and if I wanted to be who I thought I would be. I answered both questions with a "no," because even though I had most of what I wanted (like a car, a job, extracurriculars, etc.) In a sense, I'm glad I got what I wanted. But more than that, I realized, at seventeen and 362 days, that I wish I had listened to God more during high school. I do not want that to be a regret of my college experience.

One way to avoid being regretful in college is to move on through my issues and difficulties. Getting stuck in the pitfalls is an absolutely horrible idea. This week I began taking the first steps to a continual process of moving on, and it was the people around me who helped to make it possible.