Stop Doing

There's a pile of half folded clothes on my bed. The floor needs vacuuming. I should put the clean dishes away. I’m half-way through the ten page paper I have due on Friday. There’s work to be done for fundraising for my trip this summer.

I began folding my laundry tonight while it was still warm, which is a blessing in and of itself. While I was folding, I mentally I went through everything I have to do before 8:30am tomorrow morning. (It’s important to know that all I really want to do is sleep.) While folding a shirt, I found myself leaning on the pile of unfolded clothes for a few minutes. And I realized something.

I haven't stopped in weeks. Months, maybe. I am always moving. I took a hike yesterday morning and spent time breathing in fresh air, taking some pictures of beautiful creation, and singing out God’s praise… But I kept moving. I was up before 8am yesterday morning, stayed up until 3:30 last night (this morning), and was awakened by my alarm at 8:30 this morning.
I just do not want to do anything. And I find myself feeling like this when there’s so much to do. Not only physically, but there is a lot to wrestle down emotionally. Autumn has been like that the past four or five years. I can’t tell if it’s psychological or not.

Wrestling needs to happen, I’m sure, but I’m not sure how to go about it. For one, I’m dealing with pain from the ending of a friendship and determining how to love this person now. I’m also contemplating new and changing friendships. I’m questioning motives and debating purposes and wondering why God brings circumstances and people into my life. Good things, but still confusing things.

I just want to sit here wrapped in my fuzzy white blanket and avoid that ten page paper. I want to know what’s going to happen in the future. I want to have the words to say to make things right. Time, yes. Time does not heal all wounds, but it helps the process. I must allow myself time.

I must stop running. Stop moving. Stop hiding behind obligations and duties. The end of one of my ministry roles greatly helped me to stop hiding behind things I “had” to do. I became aware of the time I actually had in my schedule. I have discovered that I am more than the ever elusive schedule. And I will not let it control me. One of the ways I’ve hidden is by controlling time and activities and planning and organizing. Good qualities, but not when taken to the extreme to which I took them.

I’m not hiding anymore. I’m growing into more of me, which is really cool. And I’m learning that my significance is not based on if my room is clean. It’s not based on what grade I made on that test or what service projects I signed up for. It’s not based on my schedule or what I do or who I pretend I am. My significance is not based on me, strangely. It comes from God and the innate importance and pleasure he finds in me.

With all of that in mind, I ask God that I could just stop and rest and know his love for me and know that he is God and Lord of my life. I am valuable to him not because of what I do, but because of who I am. And I pray that I could love those who hurt me, I pray that I could find peace mentally and emotionally when I feel like I’m in an uproar. I pray that I wouldn’t get distracted by everything and anything that pops up in this head of mine.

So here I sit, eating my Mississippi Mud Pie Fudge from the “Hansel and Gretel” Candy Shop and listening to Mumford and Sons. I’m planning to go to bed in the next fifteen minutes. I’m going to stop thinking and stop planning and stop striving and let God do his thing. He knows what he is doing. I am called to trust him. Depend on him.

And never stop hoping. Because I have worth and importance in the eyes of my Savior.

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Because I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

The Cave, Mumford and Sons

Jesus Wants More Than 8 Minutes

One week sometime earlier this semester, I finished up my devotional time every morning at 8:08am. It’s weird that it was at the same time every day, but I have to tell you that I sat down to devotional time every morning between 7:57 and 8 o’clock. Believe me, Jesus wants more than 8 minutes. And I returned to God after glancing at the clock and said, “Hey, I want to dive deeper into You and You deserve more than what I’m giving you right now.” It was a little depressing to realize that I devoted to God a page of My Utmost for His Highest and a few verses from Psalms or Deuteronomy or whatever book I flipped through. I thought I had progressed to a deeper relationship with God and here I was crossing “God time” off my to-do list like a control freak. It hurt me and the people around me and I could tell.

I spent an hour in communion with God today as part of my college’s 24/7 prayer week. Every day this week, around the clock, at least one person is in our prayer (army) tent. During the evenings, a group comes to lead worship and group prayer. It struck me during my hour slot that I was not spending the time with God that I should. It made me sad. I mean, here’s God, the creator of the universe, who loves me enough to send his only son to die for me, and I can’t even spend an hour talking with him?

I heard somewhere that married couples are not spending enough time with each other. To have a healthy relationship, couples should spend an hour a day, a morning/evening a week, a day a month, and a weekend a year together in close, personal communication, alone together.

Then I realized that if I claim to have a personal and intimate relationship with my Savior, yet I am not spending time with him, what do I have? Since a husband and wife is a great metaphor to Christ and the church, we must realize that a marriage without close communication and unity (emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically) is hurting. Likewise with our relationship with Christ.

So my question is this: Have you spent time with God today? Have you heard his words to you? Have you bathed in his presence? Have you given him your heart? Have you placed your burdens at his feet?

A friend once told that God never gets tired of hearing my voice. What a beautiful thing to hear. God never tires of listening to you. He may chuckle or roll his eyes or shake his head, but he is listening to every word you say and every thought you think and every silent prayer you whisper.

So what if we spent an hour with God everyday? An hour in personal time devoted to him. That doesn't mean an hour of Bible reading, although that could certainly be it. Maybe it's an hour walk with no distractions or an hour in worship music. Take the time and give it to God.

Like a Tree

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.

Ephesians 3:17

God sure works in mysterious ways, but I believe that he always provides confirmation. God provided wet fleece for Gideon, a star for the Magi, and a promise for Abraham. He asked these people to go and do, sometimes without specific directions, but once they obeyed, he gave them provision and confirmation.

Today, I drove to a nearby town to mentor like I do every Friday, but I actually did not get the opportunity to mentor this week. I was a little disappointed about it, but I realized when I was driving back to campus that God had shown me something awesome earlier. Maybe the point of driving out there was to see the confirmation God was showing me.

God has used music to get my attention before, and today, as I was pulling off campus, a song came on our campus radio station that really made me focus. It was Ascend the Hill's cover of "How Great Thou Art." I typically love modern covers of hymns, and this one is phenomenal. After that song, I flipped through a couple stations and heard "Our God," "How He Loves," and "My Savior Lives," all powerful songs that hold meaning for me. God was talking and asking me to listen.

I drove past a house I've driven past several times before, but this time, due to the weather changing, the tree was only half covered with leaves, orange and yellow leaves, and as I watched, some leaves drifted off the tree and floated to the ground.

And God said, "Alex, I want you to be a tree." Seriously. He said, "I've been shaking you and your leaves, the things you hold dear, because I want you to hold me dearer than any of that. Soon, you're going to be bare. You have felt and will feel empty and alone. But you are never alone. And during those times, I urge you to dig your roots down deep into my love and my words. Look, I am bringing about new buds. Little bursts of growth and blessing. Alex, let me love you, and I will shower lush leaves upon you. I will bring about new growth and new experiences and new things for you and for the people around you. I long for you to trust me, to hope in me, to have faith that what I am bringing about is best, even you don't understand, even when you're hurt. Let me love you. Let me demonstrate my faithfulness. I am the Lord your God."

For I am like a tree whose roots reach the water, whose branches are refreshed with the dew.

Job 29:19

So I'm going to be a tree.

Hoping

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

- Romans 5:3-5 (Emphasis mine)