Intentional Grace.

Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.

- People of the Second Chance

I like to categorize things. I organize my clothes based on occasion in which to wear them. I organize my music into theme or season playlists. I spent a long time cleaning up this blog when I could have been cleaning up my room. It's the act of categorization that makes me happy.

Looking back over my recent history, it is clear to me that stages of my life fall into certain categories. For example, high school was very over-extenuating and provided me with opportunities (not always taken until much later) to learn quite a bit. My freshman year of college was a time of new opportunities and new friends, especially that spring, when I developed many of the friendships I still have today. It was that next semester (fall of my sophomore year) when I realized how much I needed those reliable friendships I had formed. That was one of the most painful times yet. With the spring of my sophomore year came a lot of coming to terms with the past. This "past" included thirteen years ago, eight years ago, and even the semester just prior. I started counseling that semester. It was that February when God called me to singleness of heart (and it was April when He redefined it). Summer 2012 was marked by an amazing and life-changing trip to Asia. 

And then I began my junior year. Looking back over last semester (fall of my junior year), I see a lot of growth. I treasure the growth and challenges and "pressing through the hurt" that occurred from August to December 2012. I went through a funk but I came out on the other side. I learned quite a bit about God and grace.

I have also learned to learn from the past and move on. So in this post, I want to look ahead. When I was preparing for 2013, I stumbled across a project called OneWord365. In this project, participants choose one word and meditate on it (and live it!) for one entire year. I knew I had to participate.

Is it any wonder the word I chose was grace? 

OneWord button courtesy of Melanie at www.onlyabreath.com.

I feel as if I'm at that point in my walk where I've gone through some difficult challenges and now God is asking me to put what I learned into practice. I know I am not finished with the tough stuff, because I still have work to do before my sanctification is complete. The good news is that God is not finished with me yet.  His graciousness means he never gives up. He is still working, and He is working in his timing.

I believe this is the time for me to move. To be adventurous. To act on what he's shown me. And what has he shown me? That He is good. All the time. That He is just and merciful. That He is forgiving. 

That He is full of grace. 

And if God Himself is not angry with me, who do I have to fear? If God Himself is not upset with me, what can anyone or anything else do to me? If I know that God is forgiving and accepting and gracious towards me, how will I then treat others?

With intentional grace.

Plans are for Wimps

I have completed a successful first week of my junior year. Successful by His providence alone! 

Keep reading to see why plans are for wimps.

I began reading Jesus Calling by Sarah Young at the beginning of this week. Maintaining a consistent devotional time, while difficult during the hectic school semester, is vitally important. Obviously, some days are better than others, but it's not important that we stick to a firm schedule with absolute laws, but rather that we meet to commune with the Lord. (By the way, if you're looking for ideas, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers is what I read last year, and I highly recommend it.)

Anyway, Jesus Calling is themed as if Jesus himself were speaking to the reader. Here is today's selection...

I don't know if you know this yet, but I am a HUGE planner. I plan everything. Sometimes it's a bit annoying.  I love to plan, to organize, to structure, to consolidate and make things more efficient. This is a good gift, I'm told, but it is also a weakness for me. 

The line from this devotional reading that caught me is: "Your natural preference is to plan out your day; knowing what will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed." In my natural desire and normal gift to plan and prepare and organize, I often miss what God wants to do. Yes, there is a need for structure and other administrative gifts, but there is also a time to (depending on your theology)  let randomness take it's course, or to let providence have it's prominence. 

See, God is all about doing things that probably do not and will not make sense to us. Often, it's later (or sometimes never) that he reveals how things are working together. Remember, of course, that He works all things together for those who love him and who are called according to his purposes. 

Take for example: today. After reading through this devotional and praying that I would "depend on God for my direction," (a little half-heartedly, I might add), I went about my day as usual. I knew I wanted to go to the women's soccer game on campus at 5pm. So, with my roommate, I did. And then we went to Ingles and spent way too much time buying too many things we didn't need. All of that was planned and normal and comfort-zone.

Then we went through the McDonalds drive-through to get a snack, and lo and behold, my automatic window broke. I couldn't roll it down! So I ambled through the drive-through like a nerd with a broken window. On the way back, I realized a lovely spider friend had joined us in the car! Like I said, I couldn't roll my window down! Of. Course.

When we got back to campus, my roommate suggested we go play piano and sing in the small chapel, so we went ahead and spent some time in worship. While we were out, we also visited the coffeeshop (which was closed) and the student lounge (which contained some Star Wars fans during an episode marathon).

And then we happened upon a group of freshman sitting in a circle with some guitars. We passed by them earlier and sang a song with them, but I was convinced I didn't want to stay there. When we passed by the second time, my roommate promised we would just spend five minutes singing with them. 

Those five minutes turned in one hour! My roommate invited them to our terrace. We gave them hot tea and talked about life and fun experiences. We invited them to evening prayer that my roommate hosts and we added them on Facebook. It was completely unplanned. I didn't even want to hang out with them, but I found myself enjoying their company and really wanting to get to know each of them. 

What is the chance that I could rely on my roommate's friendliness and on God's provision to actually enjoy this weirdly-awesome change of plans? Uh, actually, it's not chance. It is totally the plans of God. See, when I let go of my plans, God does some awesome things, like putting a few awesome people into my life. Yes, I'm an introvert. Yes, I need structure. Yes, I need plans. But, like the devotional says, growing strong in my weakness (and these things can be weaknesses at times), is a process of relying on God to give me strength when He has called me to things I feel like I can't do.

We are strong when we rely on His strength. We don't have to worry when we rely on His plans. So, it's okay to make some plans, but do so with flexibility, because God loves to shake them up!

Impossible

It's become almost like a curse word to me now: the "i" word. Let me explain...

My last full day in Asia, my own shortsightedness and humanity hit me in the face. For all my group's previous large-group meetings, we had been in a fairly big room with a projector, floor to ceiling windows, and several rows of chairs. Yet for some reason, we were scheduled to gather in a much smaller room for our final meeting. My roommate and I arrived around 8 minutes early to find the room empty, save for a few scattered tables. We were very confused.

A minute later, a man arrived who would be conducting part of the meeting. He clarified who he was and that this was the room we were meeting in, and then he asked for our help to arrange the room. We began folding tables and unstacking chairs as more people arrived. Soon, there were at least ten of us arranging rows and occasionally pausing to count the chairs.

The entire time, I kept saying to myself and, even more unfortunately, to the people around me: "This is not going to work. There isn't enough room. This area is too small. How are we going to fit more than seventy people in here?" I remember once, leaning over to my roommate and saying a bit too loudly, "This is just impossible."

Less than ten minutes later, the room was arranged and seating was provided for more than seventy people.

When I realized what had just happened, I felt extremely humiliated. I found a seat on the second row and sat down, feeling awkward and probably blushing a bit. The good news is that the man who had asked us to help wasn't bothered at all by my doubt, and he struck up a conversation with me before the meeting started.

It occurred to me later that God did a lot of impossible things this summer. I mean, seriously, I lived half-way around the world for more than five weeks and not only survived, but loved it. My team and I led, organized, and taught a three-week English camp to almost 200 Asian teenagers. I built friendships with my team, my students, and a bunch of Lao college kids that I hope will be lasting. I saw the need for prayer and some methods of prayer and I discovered the importance of intentionality in relationships. I lost my wallet, but thankfully not my ID or passport, and I received my replacement debit card in the mail in perfect timing. And, with about 9 other people, I set up seventy chairs in a room which I thought could not hold that many people.

And I realized: Nothing is impossible for God. When I'm putting my trust in the Almighty Father, He is truly that: All. Mighty. Omnipotent. Can't the One who created the world also work in the world? He is not a hands-off God, He is an active and present and all-knowing God.

Nothing is impossible for Him. He works everything out in His ways and with His provision. We may feel as if that limits Him, but it doesn't. It only shows his greatness and omnipotence. I guess I should stop saying that things are impossible. Saying that just proves that I am not trusting my Father. "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)

What I'm Listening To:

"Grace" - Tenth Avenue North

"You Do All Things Well" - Tenth Avenue North

Pages from My Asia Notebook (Part 2)

This post contains two passages from the journal I took to Asia. This is part two of two. I hope you'll see that living overseas is hard, but that God shows up in big ways.

7/24/12
I'm learning a lot about selflessness so far. I mean, the trip and the city and the food are new and exciting for a time. And then all that wears off and you're left with tired feet, unorganized lesson plans, lost wallets, janitors who throw your classroom decorations away, a difficult conversation, a language and culture you can't decipher, people who aren't speaking your love language, unresponsive students, buses that never come, a chipped tooth, a level 10 typhoon, a night you're unable to sleep, cravings for a restaurant on the other side of the world, a difficult provided Bible study, and a wondering in your heart if your students will ever see His love. It's not easy.
When the fun and excitement wears off, His love remains. His people remain. Relationships (with the Creator of the world first and with the community He's given us after that) are what surpass country lines and culture shock. They will provide for us to push through the difficulties and trust His faithfulness even in the bleak times, even when we worry or doubt or fear. He's there no matter where we are, at home or half way around the world, loving us just the same, desiring to work through us just the same.

7/26/12

I've had "I Believe You Will Come Like the Rain" stuck in my head for days now. It rains everyday here. 

Paul could tell the Philippians honestly, "...Everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News" (Phil 1:12). He didn't know (at the time all the crap was happening) that all of it would work perfectly together to bring about the Good News. And he probably never saw it working together perfectly with his own eyes. But he believed the Father.

I don't know how my life is going to work out. Honestly, I don't know. It's scary. But God is good. He works everything out for my good and His glory, so the Good News will be spread.

That God of ours, He works everything out for good and glory. We are called to let Him use us. And He is faithful to equip us for the work to which He's called us.

Navigating This Season

[This is part one of a three part series.]

Maybe I’m just a biased, almost 20 year old college student, but none of these books or articles or websites or speakers on Christian singleness are really helping.

Last week, I found myself in the back of the library, sitting on a stepstool in the corner beside the “Devotional” section, hunched up and holding the book carefully so no who descended the stairs and rounded the corner could see the title. I held my breath whenever someone walked through the doorway to the stairs, hoping it wasn’t someone I knew. I spent an hour on that little stepstool (after I got my studying done, of course), reading books on chastity and singleness. It hasn’t been the easiest season of singleness recently, and I needed some kind of help that knew what it was talking about but wouldn’t judge and had time for me at 10:30 on a Sunday night. Enter the Christian experts shelved in my college’s library.

For the most part, I appreciated the comments. I found a good book by Lauren Winner, which I didn’t have time to read in its entirety. However, most of the books I located were published in the early 90’s (which isn’t surprising for my small college’s library), but I have a feeling things may have changed just a bit in the last 20 years.

Coming home for Christmas break, I found my huge collection of books I’ve loved, as well as those I just haven’t had time to read yet. In the want-to-read-but-haven’t-yet pile, I found many books, including the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (Harris) and “I Gave Dating a Chance” (Clark) dichotomy, as well as “Boundaries in Dating” and “Lady in Waiting,” not to mention my “Wild at Heart” and “Captivating” bookshelf back at school. So, why do I have all these books? Because the books from high school (like “Dateable”) aren’t cutting it for the college student I have become. Because if I’m honest with myself, marriage is no longer foreign and far away. Suddenly I find myself almost twenty and searching for a few answers.

Let me clue you in. This is what I’m looking at right now:

1. Being single, I can devote more of my time to ministry than to a boyfriend/husband/family (1 Corinthians 7:34)
2. This season of life can be used to plan for the next. There should be an enjoyment of this season with anticipation for the next season, but not a focus on it (Ecclesiastes 3).
3. The desire for dating and marriage is not inherently wrong, and I would do well to find a place to put it (more on that later) instead of stuffing it (Psalm 37:4, Song of Solomon).

That is what I believe. Yet, I find that many of the resources available and/or prized highly for Christian singles are not saying what we need to hear. Many of the Christian sources I found told me I just needed to be a stronger Christian or I needed to have more purity, and I would be okay until marriage. I heard the ever elusive “Don’t awaken love before its time” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4), but "love" has already been awake for a while. Let me give you another example: I gave away my copies of “Passion and Purity” and “When God Writes Your Love Story” because I was so upset at their messages. I got the impression that I should just sit here and wait for God to hang a flashing neon sign above the head of the guy I should marry. While that’s probably not what the authors were intending, that’s the message I got.

Elisabeth Elliot (author of Passion and Purity) praised the womanly virtue of patience, which seemed to me more like sitting here waiting for the guy God told we’re going get married finally come around to asking me. She admits in the book that her future husband (the first of three) even began “talking” to some girls at the college he attended while they were physically separated before their courtship began. I may be female, but I am not called to sit here in silence while he makes all the moves.

Note: I am not asserting any feminist tendencies here. This issue here is not about submission as a wife, but rather the concept that relationships take two people, not just a pursuing guy. Anyway, learning to submit to God, who loves me enough to die for me, has taught me some lessons that will be valuable in the future.

In the meantime, however, let me propose some places to “put” the desire for dating and marriage that I really feel neither our worldly culture nor our Christian culture has, for the most part, provided. I believe these places are healthy outlets and safe places for the Christian single.

• Friendships. Having healthy and positive relationships with both guys and girls has made singleness a good thing for me. We will need our friends before, during, and after dating relationships. And until that boyfriend becomes a fiancé, your girl friends come first any day. I would add that we need friends of both genders who are both single and taken, and we desperately need same-gender single friends to hold us accountable and provide support and encouragement (Ecclesiastes 4:12, Proverbs 27:17).

• College, Career, and Ministry. If one more person mentions going to college to her get MRS degree, I’m going to get really angry. Yes, it would be great to marry a guy who will graduate from such an awesome college as mine, but I have a life apart from marriage. I have a job I’m excited about and a future career into which I desire to invest. I have obligations here at college that I long to fulfill. Life is not about getting married and having kids, and although I desire that, I will not make it my aim. In addition, there are multiple ministry opportunities, places of service, jobs, and callings that are only available to single people, and we can minister in those capacities in our seasons of singleness (1 Corinthians 7:34).

• Preparation. I know I bashed many Christian singles books, but there are also some good ones. I would recommend “Boundaries in Dating” by Townsend and Cloud. In addition, people are usually better than books any day, so I would encourage you to go to other Christians, those who are single, dating, and married, and ask for advice and encouragement. A pastor once said that if you don’t start thinking and planning for marriage when you’re eighteen, it will probably be too late to start by the time you’re twenty-five. (Proverbs 16:9)

• God. “I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20). Have we forgotten how much God loves us? He is wooing us like a patient lover. Before you get all up in arms about singleness, return to God. Let him love you. Now, loving God does not always mean that your longing for a guy or girl will be eliminated. I believe that if God has not called you to singleness, you will still yearn to get married. But God provides fulfillment until he opens the door for marriage. Like a good father, he wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but he wants us to first be satisfied in him. (Psalm 37:4, Luke 11:13, 1 Samuel 8:4-9)

Finally, know that we were never meant to be alone and that the desires within you to date and get married are not wrong. They will never be wrong unless they take the place of God in your heart. Also know that loneliness is a possibility. I’ve felt so lonely at periods when I was surrounded by people. It takes a close Christian community and a growing relationship in Christ to combat loneliness. But never let loneliness force you into a relationship. Go into a relationship when there is a measure of wholeness, not out of your own brokenness.

Trust that God guides us on the best path (Psalm 32:8). After all of this, I still believe that God has a guy picked out for me, and me for him. And I believe that God knows what he’s doing when he works out circumstances and relationships the way he does.

After writing this entire post and going back over it multiple times over several days, one line from my devotional reading this morning really stuck out. It was about love being the true fellowship of two souls. I spent a while reading through 1 Corinthians 13 and I was convicted about the terrible job I’ve been doing at love. It’s easy to end a conversation with a friend with: “Bye, I love you!” But do I really love them?

I once heard a friend say that he felt like he had so much work to do on his heart and in his life before he could get married, because he didn’t think he was mature enough or Christ-like enough to love his wife and treat her right. When I heard that, I laughed, because I know we’ll never be “good enough” for anything, if that is our goal. But it started to make sense to me when I looked at what I could be doing so much better. Maybe God knows what he’s doing when he requires us to wait a seemingly long time for a romantic relationship. In our deep struggles connected with the opposite gender/love/families, there are issues we must work through on our own and there are issues we work through with our spouses. Maybe God’s “holding off” because I’m still working on me. Because He’s still working on me.

And that’s okay. In fact, it’s awesome. I still fall short, but God is in the process of restoring me. When his timing is right, a guy and I will end up running the race together and being perfected by God together. Jeramy Clark writes, “You’re running on your own, then one day you notice someone running next to you at the same pace and in the same direction. You can run together without hindrance because your course is the same."

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6 (NASB)

P.S. I welcome any suggestions for books and articles on this or any other subject.

The One Thing Not On The List

A friend and I were speaking recently about our dreams and goals for the future. I am definitely a goal-setter and I've become more of a "goal-reacher" since I've gone to college. Anyway, I told this friend about the list I'm making of all the things I want to do in the next 10 and 1/2 years. Eventually, I want to complete thirty goals before I turn thirty. So, my friend immediately told me the goal that would be number one on her list: Getting married.

Ironically, that was the one thing I decided not to put on my list.

I've wrestled with the idea of marriage for a long time. I guess since I was 13, when I wrote the first letter to my future husband. That was also the year my mom gave me a purity ring and I made the decision to save my first kiss for my fiance. Since then, dating and marriage have been familiar, yet strangely foreign, topics to me. Like knowing how to cook, but never having cooked yourself. You might know the steps to making scrambled eggs, but it takes experience to get it right.

Of the little experience I have with guys, I feel like it's all been a big mess. I know that I have grown a lot because of the icky and awkward situations I have dealt with and I know that they have prepared me for what is to come. But that doesn't change the fact that they were still icky and awkward and often painful situations. Yet after all of that awkwardness, I've still had comparatively little experience. I have yet to enter a dating relationship. It's a little disheartening.

I'm torn between two thoughts: I'm nineteen and I still have the rest of my life to find a great guy, get married, have kids, and settle down and I'm a college sophomore, the chances of meeting a guy after college are small and I want to get married so I can have kids before I'm thirty.

But the honest-to-goodness fact is that I can't control my love life. I can't make anyone like me. I can't manufacture an awesome guy and waltz him right on into my life at the perfect time. It doesn't work like that. Relationships are one of those things with which we must trust God. That does not mean I'm called to be an indifferent, uncaring, boring, turtleneck-wearing, nun... you get the picture. So, yeah, my list of 30 things to do before I'm 30 currently does not include anything that would require a man by my side. I'm not finished writing it yet, so that may change later. Right now it simply includes things I want to do for me and others before I reach the big "3-oh." I have time. I have a little less than 11 years.

Does this mean that if, within the next 11 years, God brings my future husband into my life, I can't marry him? Of course not. It simply means that I'm not going to put a time limit on God's schedule for my life. I'm not going to tell God that he has to work within these parameters and this calendar. I'm going to let God have his way with me. And if his way is that I live in a shack in the middle of India when I'm thirty, where I can't own a piano, open a long-term savings account, or any of the other things on my list (excluding visit more countries or go on another mission trip), then so be it. Because his plans are going to be so much better than mine.

On the other hand, just because I'm letting God take control, that doesn't mean I don't care. I was visiting a church for a service for college-aged young adults. The topic for the night was marriage and someone asked, "I'm 18. Why do I need to talk about marriage now?" The pastor answered, "Because if you wait until you're twenty-five, it will be too late." God's got a plan and I'm going to pray hard and prepare diligently (and let myself be prepared) so I'll be ready for what he has for me and even for what Satan throws me at me.

This means that whether I start dating in two months or in two years, or whether I get married in five years or in fifteen years, God is still in control. And that's why I'm not putting it on my list. Because God is still in control. And with something as big as marriage, I don't want to jeopardize God's plan with my desire to beat a timeline.

God's Infinite Wisdom

So if you had told me six months ago about the crazy (yet awesome) whirlwind that my first semester of college would be, I would have laughed in disbelief. Two months ago, if you would have told me that the chaotic shaking up I was about to experience would actually be beneficial, not only to me but eventually to others around me, I would have seriously doubted your sanity.

But God (get this!), God has a plan! If you look back over my blog posts, you can see a definite period of doubt, confusion, and emotional upset that permeated my writing. And I often clung to the truth that God had a plan, but I never really got it. Sometimes it just takes experiencing something to truly understand it.

What I'm trying to say is that you've got to hold on and see it through. I faced a circumstance a couple months ago that I did not want to face. I was angry at myself for the way I responded to it. But now, looking back, I see at least 4 people, who, having walked through this issue with me or having seen me come out of it, are blessed through that. My experiences have encouraged or strengthened them. And it was God's infinite wisdom and perfect plan that provided this for me and for the people around me.

So, trust God. He truly does have a plan! And he really has a purpose.

You Can't Forget Unless You Forgive

You can't forget unless you forgive

You can't move on unless you first let go

-~-~-~-~-~-

Poetry Number Seven

-~-~-~-~-~-

I'm sorry

I forgave you before you apologized

I thought I was doing some great feat

But I never apologized to you

Or asked for your forgiveness

And I'm sorry

If I could do it all over again, I would do it all differently

And If I could take it all back and start over, I would

And even though life has moved on

It still hurts

I still hurt

And I'm sorry

There is no cure for stupidity.

Thank God!

Because I would never have learned this lesson otherwise.

But even still,

I'm sorry.

God Has You Where He Wants You

Okay, so let's say that you are living in such a way to honor God. You're loving on people, you're spending time in the Word, you're attending a church and investing into the lives in Christians around you... But you want something else. Maybe you want money, a car, a job, to get married, to finally graduate school, to get a certain grade, a certain friend, a certain experience, a dating relationship, to be accepted or admired, or a physical possession. So, what is it?

What if I told you that God has you where you wants you? God has placed you in the life situation you find yourself for a purpose and a reason. It sounds cliche, but roll with me. For example, with regards to dating, I realized last week that I'm excited to date and get married. But not yet! Because there are so many wonderful, world-changing things God wants to do in me and through me before there's a guy in my life. Maybe it's hard for you to see it like that. But just consider something you want to do with your life that would be difficult to do with a family. I want to serve a year with an organization called "City Year" in either Atlanta or Columbia, which would be really difficult to do if I'm married. Just take a moment to consider that, and ask God to show you what He wants to do through you when you're single.

If you're dating or otherwise involved with a significant other, ask God for his direction, ask God for his provision, and ask him what He can do through your relationship.

LeCrae sings (er... raps), "See, your money, your singleness, marriage, talents, your time / They were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is divine". See, wherever you are in life, God is working. Whether single or dating, young or old, in high school, college or the workplace. God has you where you wants you. Give him everything you are and have and ask Him to show you how He can love others through you.

Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches.

(1 Corinthians 7:17)

Temple Tuesday

There's so much I could write about tonight. So many God-things have been happening to me, to others around me, and within my campus and this community and this world that I could write about, but I really just want to focus on one thing.

While waiting for (or actively pursuing) God's specific plan for you, do not neglect his general command to love.

I believe that God has given us general commands and specific commands, both of which we must obey. For example, God said: Go and make disciples of all nations, Honor your father and mother, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength... Those are his general commands and they apply to every Christian on the face of this earth.

But God has also given us and/or will give us specific commands. Some are as seemingly small as "Go tell this person something from me" or "Start a Bible Study". Then are things that specifically reflect God's overarching plan for us. These are typically bigger (though not necessarily more important), like when God gives us the reassurances to go to a certain college or instructs us to move to another area or to take a certain job or volunteer for a certain ministry. And these specific commands also include our vocation. Basically: What are you going to do with the rest of your life?

Many times we get caught up in the "big picture" items, that we neglect the seemingly "smaller" things. For example, God's given me a desire for teaching, because through that I can explore the English language and literature and minister to teenagers, which are two important things to me. But God hasn't really given me anything too far beyond that.

Okay, but I can deal with that. I'm satisfied with where God's placed me and I know that I have 7 semesters before I step out into the workforce. But I want to do something amazing for God right here and now. I mean, I'm at this college, with these friends, in these classes, in this dorm, on this hall, with this roommate and these suitemates, and involved in these extracurricular events for a purpose and a reason. And God has me here because it's where he wants me. But at the same time, I feel this insatiable need to go do something for God. And I'm almost afraid of just jumping out and doing something for the fear that it will end in a mess. So I've been sitting here, saying "God, show me what you want me to do. I will follow you wherever you lead me." And God hasn't shown me anything specific yet.

Yet, in this moment, it hit me: I can't put everything else on hold while I wait for God's specific command. Because God wants me to obey his general commands at all times, especially while I'm waiting for his specific commands. One general command I think we forget is to love others as we love ourselves.

Ever met someone who was on such a mission that nothing could stop them? They charge through the hallways, looking for that one professor or trying to make it to chapel on time that they ignore everything else?

With regard to God vs the world, we should be like that. Acknowledge that you can leave everything in this world behind all for God, and that you'd be okay with that. But when it comes to people, love them! Love, love, love. Invest time into them. Listen to them. Pour your life into them. Don't get so focused on the "ministry" aspect that you neglect the people you're helping. Don't get so focused on the end result that you neglect the means. Love others with a heart that longs to see them restored in Christ.

See, no matter what your specific command or your calling is, God has called you to love him and to love others. No matter if God has called you to be a truck-driver, a soccer coach, a mom, a college professor, a counselor, a doctor, or housekeeper... He has called you first to love.

Learning Some Lessons

I realized last night and today that I really love college. I'm so blessed to be here!! And I just wanted to share some things I've been learning, so that I can remember them and so that you may be blessed because of them. :)

• God has a purpose for everything that happens and he can use mistakes and problems for good - because everything works out for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).
• God can and will speak through other people, circumstances, worship, and His word. Listen!
• When God tells you to do something, do it. Don't hesitate.
• People are not scary! Be willing to invest your life into others. Listen to their needs, pray for and with them, and concern yourself with lifting them up and being a tangible of expression of Christ for them.
• Forgiving someone doesn't mean they were right, it doesn't mean what they did is okay, and it doesn't mean you understand what they did or why they did it - it just means you don't hold it against them. It means you acknowledge that God forgave you and accepts you as his child, and because of that, you have to forgive those who hurt you, and accept them as brothers or sisters in Christ.
• Always be willing to listen. And love on people with every chance you get. God will honor that and bless you.
• When you don't know how to pray or what to pray for, the Holy Spirit will intercede for you "with groanings that cannot be expressed in words" (Romans 8:26). So don't worry about praying the right thing, because he understands.
• When God points out something in your life that you're trying to hold on to, give it to him. Don't get all angry that God is shaking up the way you do things. Give him everything. Don't hold back because you're afraid. Relinquish control on what truly does belong to God, because he wants to do something beautiful with those parts of your life he shows you that he wants you to let go of.
• Pray. And don't just babble on and on. Listen to God. God wants to say something to you, but are you quiet long enough to hear him.
• Finally, work ahead. Because you do not want to be doing chapter summaries at two in the morning!

If you've read this far, I'd love for you to comment with some thoughts or post some things God's been teaching you. :)

Sometimes I Feel Like a Mess

But, you know what? It's okay! Because when I'm broken and desperate and needy, that is when I realize my need for God. That is when I realize how I'm going nowhere without him. In the New Living Translation, Matthew 5:3 reads, "God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs." It's okay to struggle and it's good to realize that we don't and won't have it all together, because through that we come to understand how great and powerful and forgiving and holy and accepting of us God really is. So, run to him and climb up in his lap and love him and receive his love for you! Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

Along those same lines, I often find myself going through life searching for the next "thing", the next "high", if you will. For many people, life is just a series of events strung one after the other. It follows that "living for the weekend" mindset that you may have noticed in high school or college: life consists of planning parties for next weekend and 'recovering' from parties last weekend.

We even see this in the Christian life. We think that we are truly Christians, or that we're doing it right, during those moments of high intensity in our Christian walk. There's this subconsious idea that, as Christians, those moments where we are completely on fire for God and we see God everywhere are better or "right" and that those times of living in the valley and struggling to see God are not "Christian" or are "wrong". But we forget that life can't lived on an emotional high everyday. We need moments of peace. Also, God may be using the times when you don't necessarily "feel" him as an opportunity to prepare you for something better in life. For example, for me personally, I can see how God is using this moment of singleness (even when being single hurts!) to prepare me for his future for me in regards to dating and marriage. I've learned so much through the struggles that I truly would not trade it for anything.

My friend Tori said it well when she said, "God is just preparing you to be ready for the best." If it's not the best, then it's not from God - and God's "best" usually looks different than mine! Hold out for God's best, trust that he knows what he's doing (because he does!), and use today to learn something. What is God trying to teach you through this experience?

Finally, have patience. Josh Wilson sings, "My friend, you know how this all ends and you know where you're going, you just don't know how you'll get there. So say a prayer. And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God. Life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture." And he's right - it's going to take time, but press on. God loves you and he has a good and perfect plan for your life and he will never fail you.

Maybe there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring better ending. Someday, somehow, you'll see.

- "Before the Morning", by: Josh Wilson

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

- Zephaniah 3:17

Temple Tuesday... Wednesday

I never got time to post a Temple Tuesday yesterday, because I had night class and a prayer meeting with some friends. So, today is going to be a Temple [Wednesday]! I've got some Bible verses and several quotes from friends of mine.

While you're reading, spend some time thinking about this: What if the tricky, difficult situations we're dealing with right now are actually good things? I'll say it differently: What if God has allowed the not-so-fun circumstances in our lives for a purpose? Namely, to draw us close to him, to instill in us a value or meaning or something important we've forgotten. Or even to prepare us for something significant in the future.

It's easier [to trust God] when you find out that all the crud that's been in your life is only behind you because of His help through.

Trusting in God is hard for the majority of us because when we trust in Him, we lose control over our kingdom. We begin to try to trust in God with some of our self and hold back other areas for us to control. Relationships are an area that we tend to hold on to, but they should be the first we give away. If we want to be blessed in our relationships, we have to trust in God to direct us in the way that we should go with them.

Wait.... hold up a minute. We have a better idea of how life should be than the Creator of the Heavens, Earth, and everything in it? We hold things back from the One who already knows all about us? I think we really have to work on this issue of surrender. God already knows everything... and I mean EVERYTHING! So doesn't it seem quite silly to keep parts of our lives out of God's reach?

God, give us a peace about things from you and terror about things from the enemy.

Growing with God can be very difficult but I love the feeling when you know what you were supposed to learn!

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2

The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace. Proverbs 29:11

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

To My Sisters in Christ

Dear Sisters,

I pray these things for us, as daughters of the King. Remember, you are valuable. And God has picked out a guy for you who values you. Don't settle for anything less.

Wait for the guy who makes you want to dive deeper into God. Wait for the guy who reminds you how incredible God is and how beautiful he's made his creation. Wait for the moment when God gives you his peace and his blessing about his gifts and his timing. Wait for the guy who is a gift from God, not a burden or an infatuation.

Wait for the guy who will wait, not only for you, but also for God's timing. Wait for the guy who will not let waiting become more awkward than it is. Wait for the guy who respects you. Wait for the guy who chases God with everything he is.

Wait for God's guy for you.

With love,

Your Sister In Christ

No Matter How Good It Is...

...if it's not from God, it's not for us. See, Satan is in the business of half-truths and little white lies. They seem fine to us if we aren't paying attention, but in reality, they are very destructive.

For example, God gave us the gift of marriage. But Satan likes to twist it, telling such lies like "But it's love", "God is love", and "God just wants you to be happy". And that is where we end up with all kinds of ridiculous distortions of marriage, like homosexuality and polygamy (and even living together before marriage), for example. God is very clear on the fact that marriage is for one man and one woman, but when you're listening to Satan, it doesn't always seem that way.

In the Garden of Eden, Satan twisted God's words when he tempted Eve. He asked her, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" (Gen 3:1). Well, we know that God told Adam and Eve that they could eat from "any tree in the garden" except "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" (Gen 2:16-17). See how Satan twisted God's words to suit himself?

Okay, so you probably fall into the category of lies from Satan on a much smaller scale than something like polygamy. Maybe you are considering whether to pursue a relationship with a girl or guy who isn't a Christian. And Satan's telling you that you should totally be a missionary to them and that a good way to do that is to date them. Dating and relationships are good things from God, but only in the right context. Or maybe you're wondering about something even simpler, like music, which is a gift from God. But let's say you like a certain song and it's not explicit, but it's not clean, either, if you know what I mean. Music is from God, but Satan often uses it in just horrible ways. Keep a lookout for things like that. Do you really want that song playing in your head, on your iPod, in your car?

Another example: There are times when we are vulnerable and need to keep a guard up for safety. I'll explain it a different way: My college has a guard shack at the front entrance. During the day, the guards will wave at whoever comes into the campus. But at dusk, when it starts getting dark and the college itself becomes vulnerable, the guards typically stop cars coming in to make sure they belong here. When are vulnerable to Satan's voice, maybe when we're alone, or around people of the opposite gender, or surrounded by people who seem to have it all together and look like they're models... We must guard our hearts.

Believe me, it's hard to distinguish God's voice from Satan's voice sometimes. But here's something my stepdad taught me: God wants what's best for me even when I don't. In sin, I typically desire what feels good or what makes me look better to others, but God, in his love, desires (and knows) what is the best not only for me and my life, but also for the lives of those around me. And, this is awesome, "the best thing" may not be the easiest thing. In fact, God often uses difficult situations to grow us and mold us to become more like Him. Trust God's timing and God's voice and make those difficult decisions he is leading you towards. You may or not may not see an immediate result, but you will feel peace. Peace from the Holy Spirit.

No matter how good it is, if it's not from God, it's not for us.

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

- Ephesians 6:12

Purpose

Imagine this: God has you where he wants you. God has placed where you are right now for a purpose. Your existence, and even your very being wherever you are, is God's plan.

I didn't get the summer job I wanted. A part of me is still unhappy about that. But another part of me has realized that because I'm not working full-time, I have time to move in to my new house, time to get adjusted to a step-family, time to plan for college, and time to enjoy my last high school summer. It's actually a blessing not to have to worry about all the transitions that are happening right now and maintain a work schedule of 40 hours a week. And I believe that's because God has me right where he wants me.

The next time you're tempted to get angry or upset because something didn't work out the way you hoped - consider that God has a plan for everything. Closing one door does not mean God hasn't opened another.

Dream

I had a dream last night.

It was about something that happened, or rather, didn't happen, in high school. The dream concerned me asking a fellow classmate for advice about this thing which was to have happened.

I woke up before the advice was given, unfortunately. But I really did want this thing to happen - it seemed to be right thing for me. Something I had prayed for, begged for, and wished for all these
years.

But the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.

Even if it was God's perfect who and what, it probably wasn't God's perfect when or where. The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.

This dream reminded me of that thing I wanted so badly. And that I'll never get it in my timing. My timing.

I think in the long run, this has taught me to recognize that 1) getting everything I want is not really what I want, 2) God has a higher purpose and plan for my life, and 3) His plan involves the entire world and the greater good of bringing more people to himself, not my whims and wishes.

I'll wait on God's timing!