Constellations and Redemption

As Orion sinks slowly below the horizon, a little farther each night, so spring rolls softly around the corner.

My 6th grade Math and Science teacher, Mr. Underwood, taught our class how to find Orion in the night sky. We were supposed to locate the constellation for homework and report back the next day. I remember slipping out the sliding glass door into my backyard, wrapped in a blanket from shoulders to knees, but with nothing on my feet, gazing up until my neck hurt.

Photo by Bahadorjn, Flickr

When the days grew longer, Mr. Underwood explained to a concerned student that Orion wasn't disappearing. The constellations that we could see in our hemisphere changed as the earth rotated, and Orion is only visible in the winter.

I continued to visit Orion after that first night, especially in the dead of winter, especially when I needed some grounding. It's crazy how seeing the vastness of the universe can ground you.

Today I reflected on what God has been doing in my life. I have all but completed a huge paper, due largely to the fact that God provided the crazy idea to check to see if the library in town had the book I needed for my paper Friday night. I prayed long and hard that I would be able to finish it in time - it's not due until Tuesday. I have been experiencing a bit of a digestive issue, but my roommate suggested a simple remedy that is really helping. In addition, tonight we had a time of worship at my college, and during one song I had a really personal heart-to-heart the Lord.

And he told me that he is doing something new.

Just as Orion can be seen in the northern hemisphere only in the winter, and then it fades from our view, so God is preparing to do something in me and in my life that has been hidden from my view. I'm excited for whatever it is and I'm eagerly anticipating the next stage in my life, but I'm a little afraid as well. I once told God I would follow him anywhere - from the shack in the middle of India to the country club in the Carolinas, and God has been known to do infinitely more than we could ask or express. He has a sense of humor like that.

Despite my fear, I just can't help but be excited. God told me, "That stuff you were dealing with a year, two years ago... It is over. I have redeemed you from that and I have set things in a different direction. I have the next step prepared for you."

And so I wait with eager anticipation. God, reveal to me more of who You are.

I realized just last week that I literally have nine months until I return to Asia. If my last trip was any indication, there's going to be a lot of heart-prep that needs to happen in the next few months, as well as a lot of working and saving and prayer to be able to go overseas. Just the other day, I had a kind of vivid daydream in which I felt like I was in Hong Kong again. I saw the familiar sights, felt and smelled the same sensations, everything.

It also hits me often: How can I expect to make an impact on people in Thailand if I cannot love the people beside me? That cuts deep, and I am often unable to understand why I find it difficult to love people. Often, I either try really hard and fail or I have no desire to try. This reveals itself in relationships with friends or acquaintances I know, but choose not to treat with patience, kindness, etc. God, make me more like You.
It also reveals itself in the frustration I occasionally feel with the pace of this whole dating business. I mean, I hate to harp on something no one likes to hear about, but, really, do I treat guys like real people? Do I treat them with patience, kindness, etc., or do I think about only what I could get from them (no matter how weird that sounds)? I want to be respectful and considerate towards every guy, not just the ones that I maybe could possibly date one day.
I want to love these people around me, both guys and girls. I only have about nine months left with them.

Yes, God has redeemed me from a significant amount of difficulties I faced earlier in college. But I am not perfect. I still have bad days. I rejoice in the fact that my paper is 99% finished, but I still have a thousand (not quite) rationales to write for my portfolio, which is due on the same day. I face struggles consistently, but I know God is good, even when it doesn't seem like it.

I know God is good because Orion fades away, and then returns. I know God is good because winter turns to spring. Every. Single. Year. He is doing something new, even if I feel stuck. He makes all things new.

Jesus, You're the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus, surely you will find us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new
Will make all things new

- "Dry Bones," Gungor

My Call to Go

One of the things I love most about being home for the summer is sitting around the dining room table with my family. Usually there’s something funny going on: someone is either getting picked on or just said or did something hilarious or is telling a funny story from their day.

My stepdad recently buzzed my brother’s hair, I got a trim today, and my mom is getting her hair cut tomorrow, so we recently discussed hair styles. In a bit of humor, my stepdad told me to get a crazy hairstyle before I go to Asia, so that it will catch on. Casually, he remarked that “when [I] go back in three years,” everyone in Asia will be wearing their hair like that.

When I go back in three years? Wait… 

And that’s when I felt it. That little pinprick in my heart. Kinda like a cross between a jolt of electricity and the flap of a butterfly’s wing. Or perhaps it’s easier described as a push or poke or a bright light, maybe? (It sounded like this to Abraham and smelled like smoke for Moses.)

It’s happened to me a couple times. My heart skips a beat, my peripheral vision clouds over, I can’t breathe.

Sometimes it happens when God is calling me to say something. Or not to say something. But I’ve felt it strongest when God is speaking to me. It can happen in the midst of a worship session or in a random conversation. I felt it, just for a second, at the dinner table the other night.

Sometimes it’s clear like it was at dinner. That moment during May of my freshman year when God all but audibly called me to my vocation (teaching), was more than distinct. I cried walking down the hallway with a bunch of eighth graders. When God called me to intentional singleness last February, I was sitting in the prayer room on my college campus and I felt it inside. There’s no way I could pretend I didn’t hear what God said to me.

Other times, it’s been less noticeable. I can’t remember one specific moment when God called me to Asia, and I still don’t know if I'll ever serve in Asia long-term. But my heart is hugely with Asia for this summer. I knew in May 2011 that God called me to be a teacher, and I am drawn towards late middle school / early high school, which is what led me to volunteer with the organization I’m serving with this summer. Then Asia came into the picture, because that’s where the organization works. So I said: Cool, I've never been to Asia. I want to do something awesome this summer and for God to be glorified. And it’s teaching English, something I’ll be doing for the rest of my life.

And slowly, God broke down my defenses against Asia and revealed to me that he has great plans for me there. He has great plans for the team of college students I’ll meet in Los Angeles and work with Asia. And he has great plans for the students I will be teaching.

Recently, I’ve been having a hard time keeping my eyes from "leaking." I was given a copy of a pre-service Bible study called “God’s Heart for the Nations” for my trip and my eyes started watering while I was completing the first lesson. I couldn’t even get through the first preface to the third edition of John Piper’s Let the Nations be Glad without tearing up. The Sunday before Memorial Day, I spoke at my grandma’s church and received a love offering from them.  While I was preparing, the pastor and I previewed the video I was going to show before I spoke. I couldn’t even see the video once it started playing because my eyes were watering, and I struggled to keep myself from being noticed. And don’t even get me started on when I received the Operation Servanthood book, my luggage tags, T-shirt, waterbottle, and official journal in the mail. I opened the journal and skimmed a couple pages and felt like my heart was exploding.

It’s weird, because while I do have a tendency to cry, I don’t cry all that much. Nothing (except for the beauty of my Savior and my vocational calling) has captured my heart so much as this trip to Asia. Maybe it’s because this trip opens up a world (literally) of overseas opportunities for my future. Or maybe because this is the longest time I’ll be overseas, without anyone I’ve met before.  Or maybe because Asia is hitting me hard. (I would love to share more about that when I return!)

While I was getting ready for this trip, a guy friend of mine who has been to Asia three times before handed me an envelope with some cash for my trip. It was quite a lot of money for a college student, and I thanked him profusely.

On the outside of the envelope, he wrote a note, signing it “sincerely, with blessings, from a bro,” and his name. One line from the note caught my attention: May your preparation be worship. …That makes me cry, too.

In these next three weeks before I leave, I must make prayer a vital part of my preparation. I must make worship (the conscious effort of placing God first and giving him the glory due him) a vital part of my preparation. My friend was saying that all of my preparations, whatever I have to do to get ready, be an act of worship. I love that.

I have no doubt this trip is going to be difficult. Five weeks, two countries, over thirty-eight hours in airplanes (not to mention layovers), at least three different beds and roommates, and a classroom of 16-20 teenaged students. Yeah, it’ll be tough. But, hey, with God, nothing is impossible. With God, I have nothing to fear.

"No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you." (Joshua 1:5)

"The One Who called you is faithful and will do what He promised." (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

"God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. (1 Corinthians 1:9)

What I'm Listening To:

"Hold On" - B*Witched (this is one of my pumped-for-the-summer songs)

"I Refuse" - Josh Wilson

"Conmigo Estas (You Hold Me Now)" - Hillsong

P.S. I won't be updating this blog while I'm Asia. If you would like to receive my e-mail updates, please scroll down to the bottom of this post. For more information about my trip and how you can help, see my page here or send me an e-mail. Thanks!

The One Thing Not On The List

A friend and I were speaking recently about our dreams and goals for the future. I am definitely a goal-setter and I've become more of a "goal-reacher" since I've gone to college. Anyway, I told this friend about the list I'm making of all the things I want to do in the next 10 and 1/2 years. Eventually, I want to complete thirty goals before I turn thirty. So, my friend immediately told me the goal that would be number one on her list: Getting married.

Ironically, that was the one thing I decided not to put on my list.

I've wrestled with the idea of marriage for a long time. I guess since I was 13, when I wrote the first letter to my future husband. That was also the year my mom gave me a purity ring and I made the decision to save my first kiss for my fiance. Since then, dating and marriage have been familiar, yet strangely foreign, topics to me. Like knowing how to cook, but never having cooked yourself. You might know the steps to making scrambled eggs, but it takes experience to get it right.

Of the little experience I have with guys, I feel like it's all been a big mess. I know that I have grown a lot because of the icky and awkward situations I have dealt with and I know that they have prepared me for what is to come. But that doesn't change the fact that they were still icky and awkward and often painful situations. Yet after all of that awkwardness, I've still had comparatively little experience. I have yet to enter a dating relationship. It's a little disheartening.

I'm torn between two thoughts: I'm nineteen and I still have the rest of my life to find a great guy, get married, have kids, and settle down and I'm a college sophomore, the chances of meeting a guy after college are small and I want to get married so I can have kids before I'm thirty.

But the honest-to-goodness fact is that I can't control my love life. I can't make anyone like me. I can't manufacture an awesome guy and waltz him right on into my life at the perfect time. It doesn't work like that. Relationships are one of those things with which we must trust God. That does not mean I'm called to be an indifferent, uncaring, boring, turtleneck-wearing, nun... you get the picture. So, yeah, my list of 30 things to do before I'm 30 currently does not include anything that would require a man by my side. I'm not finished writing it yet, so that may change later. Right now it simply includes things I want to do for me and others before I reach the big "3-oh." I have time. I have a little less than 11 years.

Does this mean that if, within the next 11 years, God brings my future husband into my life, I can't marry him? Of course not. It simply means that I'm not going to put a time limit on God's schedule for my life. I'm not going to tell God that he has to work within these parameters and this calendar. I'm going to let God have his way with me. And if his way is that I live in a shack in the middle of India when I'm thirty, where I can't own a piano, open a long-term savings account, or any of the other things on my list (excluding visit more countries or go on another mission trip), then so be it. Because his plans are going to be so much better than mine.

On the other hand, just because I'm letting God take control, that doesn't mean I don't care. I was visiting a church for a service for college-aged young adults. The topic for the night was marriage and someone asked, "I'm 18. Why do I need to talk about marriage now?" The pastor answered, "Because if you wait until you're twenty-five, it will be too late." God's got a plan and I'm going to pray hard and prepare diligently (and let myself be prepared) so I'll be ready for what he has for me and even for what Satan throws me at me.

This means that whether I start dating in two months or in two years, or whether I get married in five years or in fifteen years, God is still in control. And that's why I'm not putting it on my list. Because God is still in control. And with something as big as marriage, I don't want to jeopardize God's plan with my desire to beat a timeline.

Hey, The Future's Calling; It's For You.

In 5 days, we will ring in the new year. Have you ever made New Year's Resolutions? Last year, I participated in the Office of Letters and Light's "Big, Fun, Scary Adventure Challenge" (which is just a cool way to do Resolutions) and I completed 21 of my 25 challenges.

I try to set and accomplish goals which will improve myself. This summer, I had a goal to log as many hours of reading as I could for the public library's teen summer reading program, and to read many books from a College Bound Reading List I found. I read plenty of books and logged over 50 hours. I went on a mission trip with my school to an island near Charleston to work with Habitat for Humanity. I attended my mom's wedding, went to the beach with my grandma and brother, moved into my new house, and worked several days at my stepfamily's used car lot.

But, what did I do? What did I do that will have lasting effects? What did I do to help those around me? To aid those less fortunate? To build into the future?

Listen, the future is calling and it's for you!

By all means, go set a goal to read 20 books this year, go decide to run a marathon or learn to knit or speak a new language or write a novel or keep your room clean or research your ancestors or whatnot. Those are all good things that can be a part of your desire to use the mind and energy and resources God gave you. But don't stop there.

Ask yourself: How am I helping people? Or better yet: How is God using me to love others? How can I show them his love? The Bible doesn't say: "Go and get educated or rich or healthy or somehow 'better' so you will be a better person." Nope. It says, "Love God and Love People" and not so you'll be a better person, but because you were commanded to do so. And because out of this love comes a reverence and relationship with God as well as a community among people who will see Christ in you when you are loving them. See, the point is to love. Everything we are to be doing comes back to it. How are you loving?

Also, something very important to realize is that we can't just magically conjure up any "loving feelings" on our own. That turns into basing our actions of compassion and selfless on a feeling. And, in case you haven't realized it, love is not a feeling. It's a choice to put the other person above yourself - it's a decision to be selfless. And in and of ourselves, we have no ability to keep this up. But if we could do it all ourselves, we wouldn't need God. He willingly extends his strength to us, even giving us the needed resources to love him back.

So, friend, thanks for reading this far. I'm proud of you. Oh, and by the way, the future's calling and it's for you. Make the decision now to love. Start by doing something small, taking the baby steps and asking God to direct you to even bigger things. Every big run requires lots of little steps.

Maybe, like a friend of mine, you decide, every time you are wronged, to forgive within 30 seconds. That way you'd never hold a grudge. Maybe you decide to sincerely compliment a different person every day. Or hold the door for the people behind you. Or ask friends how you can pray for them. Or go on a mission trip. Or connect more with your parents or siblings. Find a baby-step way to love right now.

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

(Matthew 22:36-40, NIV)

[Put your name in the blank... Which area do you need to ask God for strength to work on?]

____ is patient,

____ is kind and is not jealous;

____ does not brag and is not arrogant,

____ does not act unbecomingly

____ does not seek its own and is not provoked

____ does not take into account a wrong suffered

____ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth

____ bears all things and believes all things

____ hopes all things and endures all things.

____ never fails...

(1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NASB, edited)

Temple Tuesday

Some thoughts to encourage you on this Tuesday before Christmas...

And you, my little son,
will be called the prophet of the Most High,
because you will prepare the way for the Lord.

You will tell his people how to find salvation
through forgiveness of their sins.
Because of God’s tender mercy,
the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us,

to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,
and to guide us to the path of peace.

- Luke 1:76-79 (Zechariah, speaking about his newborn son John the Baptist)

"I believe that if God showed us our purpose and future all at once, we wouldn't be able to handle it. God has such magnificent things in store for you, and sometimes it's going to be painful waiting for them to be manifested completely. Believe me, I know. So take heart and learn to be patient with yourself."

- Me, to a friend

"My child, eat honey, for it is good, and the honeycomb is sweet to the taste. In the same way, wisdom is sweet to your soul. If you find it, you will have a bright future, and your hopes will not be cut short."

- Proverbs 24:13-14

"This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed."

- Habakkuk 2:3

Living Life Like I Control It All = Ridiculous

God, I hate that I hate.

And I'm disappointed that I feel disappointed.

I feel upset and uneasy over the fact that I'm upset. And uneasy.

I regret that I have regrets. I wish I didn't wish for so much. It would be nice if I was nicer.

It it were up to me, everything would be peachy keen and soft and sweet. But what I once longed for is never coming to fruition.

But what is God doing? Here I go again, living life like I control it all!

Hey, you. Yeah, you. God has a plan for your life. God has a purpose. God is working all things out for your good, because you love him and have been called according to his purpose. You are not struggling through this world on your own. So hope for the best and keep on keeping on. Don't get so bogged down in the little things of life.

Imagine the unimaginable! Try to fathom the unbelievable. That's what God wants to do in your life, your school, your workplace, your city, your state, your country, and in this world.

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

(Ephesians 3:20-21, MSG)

My Disappointments

To me, true beauty is being able to take something that looks like a mess and turn it into something good. And God does that well!

I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life that I don't have time to worry about it. It's so amazing that God can use my disappointments to strengthen and prepare me, encourage others, and glorify Him. :)

I had been praying for God to provide guidance and direction and peace in a certain aspect of my life, but it wasn't until I made the conscious effort to give this thing to God that I really saw him working and heard him speak. And when I gave him full control of this issue, he did something wonderful - He took it away from me. I know what you're thinking: What?! How could God take that away from her? For a while, I was really disappointed. This was something I wanted, and had wanted for a while, and God removed it from my life. But I had given it to God. I realized that I couldn't just take it back from God now. It belonged to him. It had already belonged to him, I was just giving him control. I was relinquishing my futile grasp on what already belonged to him. I was saying that I would no longer try to manipulate circumstances or people that I honestly couldn't control.

God taking this from me was probably the best thing he could have done, obviously. I mean, I had prayed for God to show me that I could trust his plan and purpose and for an understanding of his guidance and future and desire to give me what is best for me. I've realized that when God wants to teach me something, he doesn't just show me, he puts me in a circumstance where I will have to learn it. So, to teach me that he always does what is best for me, he took this thing I thought I needed out of my grasp. To teach me that he is reliable and dependable and trustworthy, he placed me in a situation where the people I thought I could depend on let me down, and the people I didn't really want to trust were the ones who stuck by me throughout the situation. See, God knows me better than I know myself, and he knows what I need and what I want, what I long for and what he desires for me. And God allows trials and difficult circumstances in my life to strengthen, prepare, encourage, and grow me. He has a reason for allowing the hurt that comes from both my mistakes and outside influences.

So, yeah, it hurts that at the end of the day, this issue doesn't pop up. It hurts that things have changed. But, at the same time, it's a blessing that I no longer have to control this. It's a blessing that God is in control of my life. It's a blessing that I don't have to worry about what's going on anymore. Because Christ died for me - and all I can do is give myself to him as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:2). God can do infinitely more than we might ask or imagine if we are willing to give him our first and our full (Ephesians 3:20).

I realized that I would make a mess of my life if I held on to it. I realized that I would ruin everything if I jumped ahead before God called me. But waiting for God to lead me only means that he has something SO much better for me and that if I wait on him, he will bring it into my life at the perfect time.

Why not trust God with your life and your joys and your disappointments? He knows what's going to happen! He has a great and wonderful plan, and when you trust him, he can do wonderful things in you and through you for others.

Sometimes I Feel Like a Mess

But, you know what? It's okay! Because when I'm broken and desperate and needy, that is when I realize my need for God. That is when I realize how I'm going nowhere without him. In the New Living Translation, Matthew 5:3 reads, "God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs." It's okay to struggle and it's good to realize that we don't and won't have it all together, because through that we come to understand how great and powerful and forgiving and holy and accepting of us God really is. So, run to him and climb up in his lap and love him and receive his love for you! Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

Along those same lines, I often find myself going through life searching for the next "thing", the next "high", if you will. For many people, life is just a series of events strung one after the other. It follows that "living for the weekend" mindset that you may have noticed in high school or college: life consists of planning parties for next weekend and 'recovering' from parties last weekend.

We even see this in the Christian life. We think that we are truly Christians, or that we're doing it right, during those moments of high intensity in our Christian walk. There's this subconsious idea that, as Christians, those moments where we are completely on fire for God and we see God everywhere are better or "right" and that those times of living in the valley and struggling to see God are not "Christian" or are "wrong". But we forget that life can't lived on an emotional high everyday. We need moments of peace. Also, God may be using the times when you don't necessarily "feel" him as an opportunity to prepare you for something better in life. For example, for me personally, I can see how God is using this moment of singleness (even when being single hurts!) to prepare me for his future for me in regards to dating and marriage. I've learned so much through the struggles that I truly would not trade it for anything.

My friend Tori said it well when she said, "God is just preparing you to be ready for the best." If it's not the best, then it's not from God - and God's "best" usually looks different than mine! Hold out for God's best, trust that he knows what he's doing (because he does!), and use today to learn something. What is God trying to teach you through this experience?

Finally, have patience. Josh Wilson sings, "My friend, you know how this all ends and you know where you're going, you just don't know how you'll get there. So say a prayer. And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God. Life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture." And he's right - it's going to take time, but press on. God loves you and he has a good and perfect plan for your life and he will never fail you.

Maybe there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring better ending. Someday, somehow, you'll see.

- "Before the Morning", by: Josh Wilson

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

- Zephaniah 3:17

Faithfulness Begins Now

Married people are constantly urged to be faithful to their spouses. But what if we, as single high school and college kids, lived today with honor and respect and faithfulness for our future spouses? What if you considered the lasting effect your actions and words might have on not only the people around you, but also on the guy or girl you'll one day marry?

If God has a plan for your life and a purpose for your existence and circumstances, would it not also make sense that he has picked out a girl or guy for you to marry? Listen, the things that happen in life do not happen by chance; God has a plan. A wonderful, perfect, prosperous, giving-you-a-hope-and-a-future plan. Read Jeremiah 29:11. And I believe if that plan includes marriage, it also includes the specific girl or guy.

See, faithfulness begins now. Even before marriage, we are still called to be faithful to our future mate. We are also called to honor and respect the future spouses of our friends and people we know.

To help in this realization, here's some practice advice:

• No matter how you look at it, dating prepares us for marriage. Investing into one guy or girl for a while, then breaking up and jumping straight to the next one illustrates a life pattern of adultery and divorce. I'm not saying you shouldn't date. I'm saying dating should be something considered highly, and not for any random guy or girl who looks good.
• R-E-S-P-E-C-T! :) It's necessary! For example, girls, never wear that super-low cut shirt and show off everything. Be respectful to the guys in your life and don't set up stumbling blocks in their paths. Be mysterious. Guys, both you and the girls in your life should have boundaries and lines clearly drawn. As a guy, you're taking the initiative, but never set foot near that line. Your job is keep the daughter of the King from getting anywhere near the edge of the cliff. And be friendly, not a flirt.
• If you took pictures of everything you did with your friends of both genders to one day show to your grandma, your youth pastor, and your future spouse, would you be embarrassed by the pictures? Go ahead and enjoy friendship and enjoy dating, but keep it clean and honorable.
• Girls, get over this idea that the guy you've been dating for a month is the guy you're going to marry in 4 or 7 years. You don't know what could happen or where God will lead you. So when dating, consider the future wife of your boyfriend. What should you leave for her? Or, what would you like left for you? The book Dateable says, "It will not last." So, with that in mind, do not invest so much into this relationship that obviously will not last. Guys, this applies to you, too. Protect the girls in your life (and the girl you're dating) with the expectation that one day they'll get married - and maybe not to you.
• Finally, ask yourself, "How do I want to be remembered?" When this is over, how will the people I met and did life with remember me?

So go enjoy life! I'm not trying to be a party-pooper. But make sure you've got your head and heart in the right place.

Reminiscing about the Future

(aka Poetry No. 5)

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I sit here reminiscing about the future

Memories of my home away from home

Recollections of the butterflies, matching steps, and hopeful glances

I sit here remembering what is yet to come

Flashbacks of anticipated anecdotes

My anamnesis of warm moments, when the world outside is chilly

My reflection of the future houses thoughtful gestures, thoughtless arguments

It holds harmonious hours and mistaken minutes

It harbors intimate identities and unrealized carelessness

But the thread that keeps my future memories together is selfless passion

Mine and Yours

Marriage

My mom is getting married tomorrow!

It's pretty exciting, but it's mostly just nerve-wracking and emotional. My mom is acting like she's PMS-ing. But generally, I'm excited, and there's so much going on to get too concerned about anything.

Her dress is blue with green, purple, and white specks, paisley, and swirls and she bought it at Belk. My future step-dad is wearing a blue/green polo shirt with khaki pants. My brother, my step-brother, and my step-sister are wearing khaki bottoms and white tops as well. My mom says it will make the pictures look nice, but I don't like it. I might just make her wear something awful to my wedding as payback. Haha.

Anyway, my brother and I arranged for my mom and step-dad to get chocolate-covered strawberries while they're on their honeymoon cruise. I think they're going to enjoy it.

I hope that even though things are changing, and right now it's really stressful, things are going to be better, even awesome, in the future. I dream about my husband and our kids, and going to visit my step-dad and my mom, and my kids calling them Grandpa and Grandma. It's pretty awesome. That's what I want for my kids.

Fear

I felt it today.

Fear.

The fear that I wasn't good enough, that I was too shy, too young, too inexperienced, that I wasn't worth it. It consumed me. The fear that I wouldn't get a job.

And as I stripped from the confining layers of a cute outfit, the weight of fear shrouded over me.

I had an image, of myself, sitting in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar walls and unfamiliar floors, an empty, closed room, with my door closed to the world and those unfamiliar people who called themselves family. And they left for work, but I sat in that strange room, silent and alone.

And it was stupid. To think that way. But I did.

Fear.

And while it seems like I'm moving halfway across the world with no looking back, I'll only be 45 minutes from my old house. My old house. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave.

And I don't want anyone to know I don't want to go. I don't want anyone to know my

Fear.

Crying here over something wrecking my world. Wrecking my soul.

Fear.

Do I believe that you're my God / That you're all I need, That you're all I need?

("Yahweh", By: Tal and Acacia)

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea... God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day... The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

(Psalm 46:1,2,5,7,10 NIV)

Pile your troubles on God's shoulders— he'll carry your load, he'll help you out. He'll never let good people topple into ruin.

(Psalm 55:22, MSG)

It's not the places you go...

...but the people you know who make life worth it.

A girl who I know through a mutual organization, thought not personally, got married on Friday, which was also her birthday. She's my age, a high school senior. I looked at her wedding pictures, her gorgeous dress, her lovely cake, and the smiling face of her now-husband as he walked her to his car, and I wondered if I could get married my senior year of high school. I don't know this girl's situation firsthand, so I can't explain her early marriage.

After her 18th birthday in November, my grandmother married my grandfather in January 1965. She completed her last four months of high school as a married woman, living with my grandfather and his family to escape the abuse of her often drunk stepfather.

What about me? I mean, yeah, if I loved the guy and all, but really, I've got my whole life ahead of me! It really gets you thinking, though, about what would happen if things went differently. I really don't feel ready for a marriage yet. I barely know who I am, not to mention taking care of a husband and learning who he is. And, of course, with a husband comes children...!

Sometimes I'm glad I've never had a boyfriend in high school. One less thing to stress over and one more reason to wait a while before committing to anything. But there's always college! And there's plenty of time to get married in the future.
I'll wait on God's timing.

Unending love

It hit me in church this morning - God doesn't change. He had no beginning, he has no end. His love never wavers. His faithfulness never fails.

Despite leaving high school, leaving my home of 7 and a half years, leaving my hometown... God doesn't change. And he's still here. And his sacrifice doesn't loose it's significance because I'm not in my comfortable little bubble. In fact, it will probably gain more significance in my eyes.

Attending the Brooklyn Tabernacle in New York last week on my senior trip really opened my eyes to the fact that every true Christian serves the same God.

The Maker of Adam, the Lord of Abraham, the King of David, on into the Savior of New Yorkers, the Redeemer of Mexicans, the Helper of Middle Easterners... This is my God. This is our God. Christianity surpasses every race and geographical boundary.

God's love is unending and unchanging, no matter where, what, or who I am.

Spring

Spring is just around the corner. I mean, DST is literally tonight! But also, today was the first day this season I wore capri pants. I love those things. Not only were my pants still in the washer and dryer, but it was a bit warm outside.

I went to a Kiwanis Pancake Breakfast with my very wonderful Key Club members and I made pancakes with them. Then I went with my mom to Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond to make bridal registries for her.

It kind of hit me there, walking behind her with a scanner. "Do we need this? Do we need that?" It was almost as if I didn't need to be there - like she was 23 again, looking for stuff for her first wedding. I mean, she was obviously looking for her second marriage and she told the salespeople that. I don't know, it just felt weird.

But I am glad that she asked me to come along. I'm a part of this. It's not just two people coming together. It's the blending of two families.

In other news, birthday dinner with my friends is tonight! I'm so excited. I love these people. Happy Birthday to me!

Is This What I Meant?

I'm writing this after a seemingly normal day in the life of me. I woke up, ate breakfast, checked my e-mail, drove to school, went to English where I talked about poems, went to Bible where I took a quiz and did a worksheet, went to Science where I took a test, went to lunch, went to Economics where I watched a Dave Ramsey video, drove home and did four transactions on my Economics project, worked on my Key Club Scholarship, checked my Facebook, then I ate leftover Taco soup and watched Law and Order: Criminal Intent until I left for Bible Study which was at the coffee shop, I led the lesson at Bible Study about Abraham after listening to one of our members practice her speech on faberge eggs for her class tomorrow, then I came home and watched House with my mom as I made a Facebook event for next week's Bible Study and talked with a friend about a possible move night next week, then I got my laptop and went into my room where I continued to work on my scholarship application, and where I realized that I was supposed to buy a costume for the upcoming play, in which I play the main female role, then I logged on to my online yearbook program to work on my page which is due the day after tomorrow, and then I logged in here.

And it occurred to me: On Thursday I will be 18 years old. Of course, I've been planning events and talking about it with my friends, but it finally hit me. I suddenly realized: Wow. I wondered: When I was younger, and I dreamed about being 18, is this what I had meant? Is this what I had envisioned for my future?

I had always wanted to be involved and active in my world and have a lot of friends and a boyfriend and a car and that sort of thing. And sure, I'm the president of my school's Key Club, I'm a member of my church and my church's youth group, and my church's youth group's leadership team, and my church's Guest Services team, and... But sometimes it just seems like busy-ness. My younger self always thought that I would find immense fulfillment in every activity I undertook, yet my busy days look like just that - busy days. Not this perfect teenager who succeeds at everything she does. (Because I don't!)

I guess my question is: Am I who I thought I would be?

The answer is two-fold: Yes and no. Yes, activities like Key Club and youth group and Bible Study and my babysitting business have brought me out of my terribly shy shell and given me the experience to do more in my future, but no, I'm not perfect. I'm not the ideal teenager with a perfect life. No, I don't have a boyfriend and I struggle with thoughts that I'm not good enough every day.

I've always had this "perfect" mentality. You may see it in the lives of adults who say things like this: "I just need that job or that kind of car or a house in that neighborhood or those kinds of kids... and then I'll be good enough. Then I'll be perfect. Then I will be better than the Joneses." Well, I had this perfect little teenager ideal picked out for me: Car, Boyfriend, Job, president of some clubs, straight As, all the extracurriculars, overly kind, open to everyone... I could go on forever.

And now my question is: Do I want to be who I thought I would be? Do I want that ideal teenage life?

The answer is no. When we pick and choose these "perfect" labels, we forget God's plan. See, God doesn't want us to be "successful" as much as he wants us to serve him. Maybe God wants you in this particular neighborhood instead of the one you have your eyes on, so you can minister to the people here. Maybe God doesn't want you to join 10 groups in high school. Maybe He wants you to invest your life into 1 or 3 where you can make a big difference for Him. Maybe I don't have a boyfriend because he wants to use me as a single lady for his purposes, maybe to encourage someone else who isn't dating.

Riddle me this: Is the dirt-poor missionary in Africa any less successful than the famous wealthy movie star with 3 broken marriages?

Yeah, it's hard to say that I'll give God my everything, because I want my money! I want my time! I want my love life! I want, I want! It's hard to say that I will care about heavenly successes more than earthly successes. It's hard to say that treasures in heaven are more important to me than treasures on earth. It's hard to say that I'm more interested in God telling me "Well done, good and faithful servant" than the scholarship board telling me "Congratulations, here's your $1,000 scholarship".

But what really matters?

"Money is given you by God so that you might use it in such a way that it is plain to everyone that money is not your treasure Christ is!"

- John Piper

People get it living for a job,
Make a little money start living for a car,
Get 'em a wife, a house, kids and a dog,
Then they retire, they living high on the hog,
But guess what? They didn’t ever really live at all,
To live is Christ, and that’s Paul I recall,
To die is gain and for Christ we give it all,
He's the treasure you’ll never find in a mall,
See, your money, your singleness, marriage, talents, your time,
They were loaned you to show the world that Christ is divine

- Don't Waste Your Life By: LeCrae

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

- Matthew 6:21