Strangely Dim

Just a thought I had tonight: When we’re looking into the eyes of Jesus, it’s a bit hard to get distracted by everything around us. His gaze is compelling and strong. As Helen Lemmel wrote,

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

Do we believe that Christ is all we need? Do we run to him above all else? Do we find our satisfaction in him? Sometimes get so sidetracked by everything else going on that I forget why I’m even living this Christian life. I get so bombarded with the junk and the trials and the insignificant things that I lose sight of Jesus’s face. And what a scary place that is.

When we’re not looking at Jesus’s face, we are so easily distracted and so quickly beat down and discouraged. But God wants to encourage you and remind you of the great cloud of witnesses that is surrounding you. He wants to give you the strength to keep going and to press on even when things are rough, even when the problems and issues of life seem to weigh you down. He has great plans for you that are bigger than the circumstances around you right now.

My advice for the weary soul? Go and worship. Lift his name. And suddenly the “things of earth will grow strangely dim.”

After about 45 minutes of acoustic worship in the small chapel on campus, I joined a group of students, led by our campus pastor, as we walked to the waterfall on our campus. Thirty-four years ago today, there was a massive flood on our campus from that waterfall that destroyed all of campus and killed 39 people. But tonight, as we walked out to the falls along a path lined with votive candles and tiki torches, we saw the falls illuminated by and outlined in moonlight. It was gorgeous. We gathered to pray and I realized how insignificant my problems actually are compared to the greatness of God. We gazed up at the waterfall clothed in moonlight and stared up at the stars shining all too brightly upon us and we realized how great God is and how small our problems are.

And they grew strangely dim.

Take It or Leave It

The English idiom "take it or leave it" has two distinct meanings. It can mean that the other person must take your offer and you will not compromise (think of making an offer at a pawn shop or auction). It can also mean that the item is not important or wanted enough to be overly concerned about ("Sushi's not my favorite, but I'll eat it... I could take it or leave it").

God's been asking me to take it or leave it recently. For example, there was a circumstance with a situation I wanted to remedy, a person I wanted to hold on to, and God said, "Hey, if I asked you to, could you totally let this go? Could you take it or leave it?" I realized I had to leave it behind. It just wasn't worth it.

But I want to focus on taking or leaving something else that has been bothering me for a while now. Being in a two-parent household for the first time in ten years, where my stepdad works two jobs just because he wants to, we are better off financially more than we were in the past. It's difficult to watch (and I often feel uncomfortable over) the amount of money my family spends - even though comparatively, it's not outrageous. Having experienced ten years with no internet or cable at home and PB&J instead of Filet Mignon, I feel weird when we drop a nice amount at a Japanese steakhouse, for example. In addition, spending eight or so months in a culture where 86 cent Ramen noodles are regular fare, gas money is hard to come by, and half of my peers have first-hand accounts of starving children in Africa, has shaped me.

Speaking of college, during this past year, I hesitated to speak about money. The times I did, I received some weird looks or a snide comment. I always offered to drive friends, and I bought what I needed (and even some of what I wanted) on regular Walmart trips. And many times it made me uncomfortable. I give to church and to missions, but why do I have more than other people? (Maybe so I can give, and give freely, to church and missions and friends? Hm.)

Through all this, I've wrestled with the desire to minister to those who appear well-off. I'm unsure if this desire is from God (a "missionary to the mansions" kind of thing) or from me (cushy lifestyle instead of just scraping by). Years ago, I was struggling with this same thing as I babysat for both a wealthy family and a 'penny-pinching' family. I still remember a certain moment one night; I was sitting on my bedroom floor with a journal and I was just pouring all of this out to God. Eventually, I told him: "I will follow you to the mansion by the golf course country club or to the dirt-floor shack in the middle of India."

How true that is becoming! With a degree in English Education, which I plan to receive in 3 years, I could teach AP English Literature at an elite college-prep school in the Buckhead area of Atlanta. Or I could teach remedial reading at a Title I school in the low income county of Hancock. Or I could teach ESL at a school in China or Mexico. Or teach Chaucer and Bunyan at a middle-income Christian school in Greenville. Or teach sponsor-supported missionary kids at an International School in Spain. You get the picture.

God is asking me, "Alex, if I place you in a location, in a situation where money is prevalent, you must be willing to take it or leave it for me. You must love the people and not the stuff. And you must be willing to take me and leave everything else behind at a moment's notice." And you know what? This applies even today, too. There are so many things in life clamoring for my attention, my energy, my time, my faith, and my desire that God is often pushed aside from the forefront of my life. This should definitely not be so. I finished reading an allegorical book recently where the main character built an altar every time she began putting what she wanted (healing, human love, to go her own way, etc) above what God wanted for her. This is the way I should view my life. If I could drop it all for Christ - if I could take it or leave it - I'm on the right track. Matthew 19:29-30 says,

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

This does not mean we should disown our family to go live in the jungle in the middle of nowhere. But it does mean that God always comes first. I've heard countless stories of teenagers and young adults who wanted to pursue something God laid on their hearts, despite the words of naysayers like their parents. I think it all boils down to obedience. Am I willing to obey God no matter the cost?

See, Abraham did. And Ruth. Mary. Joseph. Jonah. Esther. They gave up their homes, possessions, reputations, safety, even their lives. So why do I find it so hard to give God even a full day of my time?

Finally, for months about a year ago before I left for college, I struggled with the idea of being satisfied in God. How can I be completely satisfied in God and not want or need anything else? Is God really all I need? Yeah, those kind of thoughts. But since last year, and even while writing this, it seems to me that God is revealing just how amazing he really is. Life with God does not even compare to anything else I could possibly want. Everything just looks bleak without God.

When I want God more than I want financial security or a relationship or a squeaky-clean reputation or perfect grades, I honestly can choose God over everything else and be perfectly okay with it. Yeah, it's going to hurt when I start to compare myself with others who have those things, but God is so much better. God's way is better, God's gifts are better, and God's peace is better. And you know what, God gives us the desires of our heart. I like to translate that verse (Psalm 37:4) as God giving us what we will desire (putting the desire in our hearts). Because God has a crazy way of giving us what we do want, be careful what you wish for! But anyway, God's not going to leave you high and dry unless he is actually bringing what you desire to you or he is asking you to sacrifice it on the altar to him. Either way, God's way is better. He is in the restoring business, the redeeming business. And he knows how to give good gifts to his children (Luke 11:13). Don't doubt that God knows what he's doing - even if it doesn't look like he is working for your good. Just be willing to obey whatever he asks of you.

Take it from a recent Tweet of mine:

God: "You are always right where I want you. Instead of complaining about circumstances, watch me do something bigger than you."

Growing Up and Falling in Love

This past week was so much fun and such a time of challenge for me. When I applied and interviewed to become one of the counselors at a summer camp held at my college, I didn't think I would make it. The position was for one week in July and on a completely volunteer basis, but I anticipated many of my fellow college students jumping on the chance to serve. I decided to sign up anyway, because something simply encouraged me onward.

I was met with a small group of friends who were also applying to serve and just enough positions for me to become a member of the team. I was surprised. What can I offer? Why did God choose me to spend a week with misfit teenagers and their youth pastors? I have never been a counselor or RA or youth leader before. I attended a few summer camps in elementary and middle school and I went on a mission trip to John's Island, SC every summer during high school. But, honestly, what advantage do I have?

God does not call the equipped. He equips the called.

Well, obviously. That one kindof hit me over the head. God wanted to do something this past week and he wanted to use me. It's that simple. I didn't have anything special, other than a willingness to be used by God. That's all it takes.

I believe that God wants to use us when we have little to nothing to offer, and that's cool because it shows us that God is working and we are just letting him work. It shows us that awesome stuff is not happening because of us, but because of God, and this gives us more reason to praise him. However, and this is cool to me, God isn't finished with us yet. Philippians 1:6 says,

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

You may have heard Mandisa's new song, Stronger, which encourages us to keep going because the pain we face is only making us stronger. She sings, "'Cause if [God] started this work in your life, He will be faithful to complete it, if only you believe it."

Yes, God wants to use us when we are broken and nothing and lacking and empty, but he also wants to grow us. He is the business of fixing broken hearts and renewing lives and growing us spiritually and emotionally. He is going to finish the good work he began in us by using us in places we think we could never be used and by asking us to minister and serve to people we never thought we would be able to serve. And through these opportunities, he teaches us lessons and rescues our hearts and restores us.

That's what happened this week. I was a little bit apprehensive, I guess, since I really did not know what to expect. But overall, I was not nervous. I was ready to meet the teenagers I would spend a week with, because I wanted to minister to them. But I ended up being ministered to much more. Not only was worship amazing and the messages fantastic, but I was surrounded by an awesome group of friends who were happy to see me every morning. They made my day more than once. In fact, one night, while patrolling the campus during Capture the Flag, I had an amazingly awesome talk with a friend of mine named Nancy. I had been struggling with some really stupid thoughts and emotions, like jealousy, envy, and guilt, and Nancy really set me straight that night. She reminded me to be content, and to question why I'm satisfied with not finding my contentment in God. In God's Word Translation, 1 Timothy 6:6-7 says,

A godly life brings huge profits to people who are content with what they have. We didn’t bring anything into the world, and we can’t take anything out of it.

Am I living for Christ, imitating him in everything I do? Because that is contentment. And once again, I ponder what it means to be satisfied in God.

Through that conversation with Nancy and other wonderful conversations and interactions with other good friends, like Jessie and Kyle and Erin, I began to see once again God's love for me. God's relentless pursuit of me. It finally clicked yesterday morning as I was finishing the book of Exodus and slugging through commandment after commandment. I was getting tired when I found this verse, tucked away beside something about the Ark of the Covenant....

You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.

It's Exodus 34:14. And I can't help but be amazed by it. God is jealous. God is jealous for attention and adoration. And also: God is jealous about his relationship with me. (Me!) It could also be worded: God is jealous for a relationship with me. I think I've realized that growing up is a lifelong process. You don't just wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm all grown up now." No, we are constantly learning new things and developing into new people. And part of my growing up is that affirmation that God is not only my friend, my father, my comforter, and my Savior, but that he is my lover. He is jealous for our relationship.

If I can have a regret from this week, it's that I didn't reach out more. With God's love bubbling in me, I wish I could have stayed up until 3 in the morning with the girls on my hall. I wish I had sat with different people a bit more during meals. I could have gone a little farther, opened up a little more, when talking with kids about Jesus. I could have instigated those conversations about God, instead of waiting for them to happen. And yet, the good news is that there is more time. God is still working. Great things happened and great things are still to happen. God knows what he's doing and he is bringing everything about in his timing and within his plans.

Finally, I want you to know that God loves you. And when we're little kids, it's fine to say that God's our friend or Dad and he is looking out for us. But as I'm growing up, I'm seeing that God loves me like a faithful husband loves his wife (see Hosea 2:20). It's that real and practical and obvious and even emotional. I want to close with a quote from a book I have yet to read, but I have heard many good things about.

The following quote describes what a romantic relationship should look like from a Christian perspective. See, one of the things that bothered me this past week was that I was the only female counselor who was not dating, taken, or otherwise pursuing a relationship. It drove me crazy for a while. (Have you ever asked, "What is wrong with me?") I will be the first to tell younger girls that they don't need a boyfriend or to encourage a friend who is struggling with her singleness, but I tend to secretly struggle very deeply with my singleness. To be honest, I hate this struggle with a passion. I hate the fear I encounter when I feel alone. I hate the guilty feeling I get when I am uncomfortable with being single. I hate the doubting and questioning that seems to overwhelm me. And broaching this subject is a scary place, because I feel weak when I talk about it. But know this, my heart, know this, my friend, God loves you. He is jealous for a relationship with you. He yearns to be desired by you. Does that make the desire to date go away? Probably not. But for me, it makes the fear subside and the guilt diminish. It makes my heart stop hiding. It makes my eyes see God in more places and my ears a little more attuned to his voice. It makes my soul cease questioning, if only for a few moments of sunshine. It makes me realize what I'm looking for in a guy and keep my emotions from swaying me too far. And, in the end, it allows me to fall in love with Jesus. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true. Okay, here's the quote...

One day she will be running in her lane, relentlessly in pursuit of Jesus, looking ahead and not around, when all of a sudden she will hear him approaching. If he is the one, she will not have to stop running or change her pace, and she won't have to look behind her, because before she knows it, he will be running alongside her. He will grab her hand and they will finish the good race together.

Excerpted from A Man Worth Waiting For, by Jackie Kendall

All of this to say... I realized this week that I'm growing up and falling in love. And its beautiful.

Purpose

I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.

His purpose is to give me a rich and satisfying life. He has placed me where I am for the very purpose of displaying his power in me and to spread his fame throughout the earth. My ultimate purpose is to please God, not people. So I run with purpose in every step.

Taken from John 10:10, Romans 9:17, 1 Thessalonians 2:4, Romans 8:28, Psalm 57:2, and 1 Corinthians 9:26.

All We Need Is You

There are two specific times in our lives when we come face-to-face with the realization that Christ is literally we need: First, when we have absolutely nothing monetarily or physically or even emotionally, and we have to rely completely on God for life and sustainment. And second, when we have everything we want and then some, and we finally understand that none of it matters and none of it fulfills and we realize the only way we can be truly sustained (and yet also truly alive) is through God.

I feel like I have experienced tiny glimpses of both in my life. In regards to the first one: following my parents' divorce when I was eight, my mom, 3-year-old brother, and I moved into my mom's parents' house for six months. It was five people sharing one shower. My mom saved up to buy a little house about an hour away from my grandparents. I never knew it at the time, but those first few years in our new house on our own were the most difficult for my mom, financially and emotionally. She was in desperate need of God, and through that I now see how God provided for us.

Secondly, my mom married my stepdad in June, and since then, we've lived in his house, about 30 minutes away from our old house. Not only has this marriage provided more financially for my family (in the way of two incomes), but it has also helped to expand my horizons and cause me to grow (I've stepped out of a teeny-tiny comfort zone, my mom is now more stable to support me in my endeavors in college, and my step-dad is also pushing me to be better while encouraging who I am). Thus, I have more stuff (my physical needs and wants are met) and I have more strength emotionally (I am supported by a network of caring people).

And after all this is said and done, here I sit, on this Christmas Eve, knowing I'm in the second category. This post from a little over a month ago relates the same idea: I have a lot of stuff. Good stuff, don't get me wrong, not only possessions, but also things like a great college I'm attending, friends I admire and look up to, a family I wouldn't trade for anything, experiences that have taught me so much, service and leadership opportunities... But it's a lot of stuff. There's nothing I'm just dying to have right now. Except one thing - God.

It's so easy to say "Well, if I only had this! If I only had that!", especially at this time of year. But I've got to the point where no physical thing is necessary any longer. God is calling out. And he's saying: "You don't need me and ____ or me and ____. You just need me. Nothing else will satisfy. I am all you need. I am your God and you will find everything you desire, everything you want, everything you need in me. So drink deep."

Ask God to show you what it looks like for him to be all you need. Ask him to show you what it means to be fully dependent on him. But be careful: I went into that prayer thinking God would take my earthly joys, like possessions or status, away, so that I could learn to trust him when I had nothing. Instead, God gave me earthly joys and asked me to prove that I didn't need them. Either way, and often, echo the words of Charlie Hall, "Cause we have all we need in You. All we need is You, all we need is you."

"The essence of faith is being satisfied with all that God is for us in Jesus."

- John Piper

"I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you."

- Psalm 63:2-5

Enjoying God

Well, after that passionate post yesterday about taking action and following God and obeying his every command, I find an interesting status update on Facebook from a friend which really spoke to me. Here I am, all excited about doing God’s will for the purpose of obedience and I read this status, which says,“The key to serving God is to enjoy God. If you don’t enjoy God, you’re not ready to serve him. For God doesn’t want your help, he wants your heart.” (from my friend Evan).

God doesn't want my help.

This makes me think of something I dived into a bit earlier on this blog. And that is the concept of being still. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still, and know that I am God...". Exodus 14:14, Moses speaking to the depressed and complaining Isralites, states: "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

In the NASB, Psalm 46:10 reads, "Cease striving and know that I am God...". Why would knowing God is God stop us from striving? Psalm 100:3 says, "Know that the LORD Himself is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture." When we get it into our minds that God is in control, that He is the Almighty Lord of all, the King of everything, the great, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient Creator God... when we even try to wrap our minds around it... It gives us a bit of peace. It does for me at least. One of the main causes of stress, of striving, is the false thought that maybe God can't handle it, that maybe he doesn't know what he's doing. I mean, honestly, God creates the whole world from nothing, then I come along and get all upset that he's messing up my life. Looking at myself from that perspective, I can be really ridiculous sometimes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're focused on anything but God, you're going to mess up. We can do a lot of good things in life, even people who don't believe in God can do nice things for other people. But true good, true satisfaction, true purpose and meaning, only come from God. Your life should be like a flowchart. Out of God's love he saved us. And because of that salvation and that love, we then give God everything we have, and by means of that, we love other people - the "whatever you do to the least of these" philosophy (Matt 25:40). Don't do seemingly "good" things to get something from God. Do them because of what God has already given you.

And, by the way, when we are satisified, we will stop striving. John Piper said, "God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him." Along with the idea that God knows what he's doing in our lives is the realization that God is all we need. Nothing else can satisfy.

Ask God to show you what it looks like to find him the center of your life. Ask God to give you the desire and the power to focus on Him and to love him and to enjoy him for who he is and what he has done.

I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

- Psalm 13:6

Am I really satisfied?

To be honest, I have almost everything I've ever wanted. It sounds bad, I know, but really... I'm going to a college I love, majoring in a field I can't wait to dive into, participating in organizations I enjoy, working a great job... I have a mom, dad, step-dad, step-mom, brother, step-brother, step-sister, a whole ton of cousins, aunts and uncles, and a grandma who all love me, an amazing assortment of friends who I can count on for anything, I have incredible and hilarious suitemates and hallmates, a roommate who, despite being so totally different from me completely gets me, a bunch of professors and past teachers who I look up to and trust, a pastor at home and a pastor here at school who challenge and encourage me, a vast amount of adults and peers who are lifting me up in prayer and investing into my life... I mean, I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, shoes on my feet, and Jesus in my heart! That's all I need, and then God showers all this other stuff on me. Stuff I don't need, but find incredibly wonderful and often take for granted.

Seriously, do I need a cell phone? Do I need a car? Do I need a laptop? Do I need new clothes and expensive books and a wonderful college education? Do I need a comfortable, well-paying job?

And when I have all of this stuff, not only physical possessions, but also God's more personal gifts, like friends, accomplishments, qualities, and growths, I have to ask myself, am I really satisfied? Does all of this stuff satisfy me?

The truth is that I'm still yearning for more. There's got to be something more than this life. Seriously, all of this stuff I am and have and do is awesome. Some of it will last a long time and impact a bunch of people. But, in the end, what am I left with? When I die, what will truly matter? When I'm 92 years old (Lord willing) and looking back over my life, I pray that I will find something more important than my earthly accomplishments and even my spiritual accomplishments. I hope and pray and desire that the one thing I find will be Christ. The one thing I'm left with will be a relationship with the God of the universe.

What else really matters? Because I'm not satisfied with the good things of this life. I'm not satisfied with things I could live without. I mean, yeah, good things. I'm not saying that I wouldn't want a college education or I don't like having nice things - but I can live without them. And I'm not satisfied with them.

I want to be wholly satisfied with God. Because everything else could pass away, and I could be left with nothing... And God would still be here. God would be here holding me up and giving and taking away. And then, finally, I could say with confidence and utter belief: "Blessed be the name of the Lord, who gives and takes away." Job was left with absolutely nothing; even his wife, his companion in this life, told him to curse God and die. But he held on. Because when we're left with nothing, God is so much more amazing. We can't depend on anything but him. How amazing!

This is a call to be broken before God and to remember just how incredible he is. To recognize that we should not and will not be satisfied apart from him.

These are the lyrics from Jeremy Riddle's "Sweetly Broken"...

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

What If There's More To Life

What if life isn't really about me? What if all this time I've wasted on my earthly concerns could have been better spent rejoicing in God and thinking about his concerns?

How would God view the people in my life? How would God view the circumstances I'm facing today? This week? This week? This year? How would God treat those he loved? And those he didn't particularly like? How would God feel about those around him? How would God deal with interruptions? Confusions? Annoying people? Rude people?

What if there is more to life than jumping from one experience, one relationship, one gift, one party, or one weekend to the next? What if each moment in my life is important? What if God has a purpose and a plan for me, not only for the significant, emotional, and trying times, but also for the seemingly boring moments?

What if my chief goal is to glorify God and be satisfied in Him?

How would I go about life differently?

Satisfied in God

What does it mean to be fully satisfied in God?

I've shared some quotes and verses here that I've been reading and praying over, specifically with regard to this idea of being satisfied in God.

"The essence of faith is being satisfied with all that God is for us in Jesus" - John Piper

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" - John Piper

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

- Philippians 4:12

"To just read the Bible, attend church, and avoid 'big' sins - is this passionate, wholehearted love for God?" - Francois Fenelon

"It confuses us when loving God is hard. Shouldn't it be easy to love a God so wonderful? When we love God because we feel we should love Him, instead of genuinely loving out of our true selves, we have forgotten who God really is.... This dissatisfaction [of American advertising] transfers over to our thinking about God. We forget that we already have everything we need in Him. Because we don't often think about the reality of who God is, we quickly forget that He is worthy to be worshipped and loved. We are to fear Him."

- Francis Chan

"If anyone is thirsty, let Him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." John 7:37-38

So, I ask my question again: What does it mean to be fully satisfied in God? Should I ever desire something beyond God? Will God supply my every need? And what is characterized as a "need"? What if what I desire isn't in God's plan for me - am I just supposed to ignore my desire?

Riddle me this: What does it mean to be fully satisfied in God?