Relapse (Or, Grace Upon Grace)

It always happens the same way. Stress tends to build up like a slow but severe snow storm and, before I know it, I’m snowed in. Or, rather, “stressed”-in. I have lost the simplistic joy I once felt. I have mistaken jokes for criticisms and companionship for annoyance. I have done what I do best in tumult – hide. I take introversion too far. I snap at people. I neglect the needs and desires of those around me. I cannot see above the obligations, the homework, the work hours, the confusion. I cannot see God. I slip into the sin that so easily entangles and I cannot find my way out. The tension within stretches and snaps my frail defenses.

But God (the two greatest words in my opinion), in his infinite wisdom, draws me back to himself like an adoring father forgiving his daughter, like a patient lover restoring his bride. I don’t know why he wants me again. After letting the things of this world almost crowd him out of my vision, I do not understand why he would fight to be my vision and fight to win back my heart.

But he is. He is fighting for me. Early last week, I flipped my Bible open to 2 Chronicles 20, when God tells the people that they need only to “stand firm” while he fights on their behalf. God’s got this. He knows what he’s doing.

I could have sworn that the gorgeous, warm day we had this past Sunday was created just for me. Warm weather is a blessing to the soul, and I welcomed it wholeheartedly by letting two friends convince me to hammock with them. I read Edith Wharton while lying in a friend’s hammock and experiencing a strange sense of peace. It was as if I had vitamin D deficiency and the sunshine was recharging a battery of sorts. A physical battery and an emotional battery.

We read from Job on Sunday morning and I was reminded of Job’s blatant finite-ness compared with the amazingly infinite God he served.

Then Job replied to the Lord: “I know that You can do anything, and no one can stop You. You asked, ‘Who is this that questions My wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I--and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me… I had only heard about You before, but now I have seen You with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

(Job 42:1-3,5-6)

It is in the place of brokenness, when have not spent with time with God earlier, when we are falling into sin and fear, that we often call out to God to save us. I wonder if God gets upset with us. If you had just stayed with me earlier, you wouldn't be in this mess, I imagine him saying sometimes. Yet that doesn't sound like God. God doesn't bring up all the bad things Job must have done to be deserving this pain, but he does ask Job who he thinks he is. Job answers by saying, “I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head” (Job 42:5, MSG). God demonstrates his omnipotence and omniscience in this situation and he proves Job's (and man's as a whole) nothingness.

Yet I don't think that God was necessary angry in the last couple chapters of Job. I think he was acting like a powerful father in a kind of protective rage. In a sense, he wants to prove man's nothingness so man will return to him with all he is. God isn't sitting up on some cloud berating me for the combination of circumstances and mistakes that led to this stressful situation. God isn't criticizing me for not running to Him at first sight of what I could not handle.

He’s standing here with his arms open. He is asking me to come back.

This world is not our home and it will not treat us kindly or fairly, but take heart, because He has overcome the world.

John 1, while describing Jesus's incarnation, pauses for a minute to discuss Christ in relation to the law. Basically, where the law could not provide peace or salvation for us, Christ does. God's unfailing love came from Christ, not from the law we couldn't keep. John 1:16 says, "From [Christ's] abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another."

The English Standard Version comes close to what I've read that the original Greek means. It translates "one gracious blessing after another" as "grace upon grace." The Amplified Bible translates it as "gift heaped upon gift." My friends, even in our times of relapse, brokenness, shame, pain, or confusion... Because Christ came and died for us, we have grace heaped upon grace freely available.

He is a God who welcomes us back.

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This post was contributed to Only a Breath's Monthly link-up party for OneWord365 bloggers on March 14th, 2013. 

Like a Tree

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.

Ephesians 3:17

God sure works in mysterious ways, but I believe that he always provides confirmation. God provided wet fleece for Gideon, a star for the Magi, and a promise for Abraham. He asked these people to go and do, sometimes without specific directions, but once they obeyed, he gave them provision and confirmation.

Today, I drove to a nearby town to mentor like I do every Friday, but I actually did not get the opportunity to mentor this week. I was a little disappointed about it, but I realized when I was driving back to campus that God had shown me something awesome earlier. Maybe the point of driving out there was to see the confirmation God was showing me.

God has used music to get my attention before, and today, as I was pulling off campus, a song came on our campus radio station that really made me focus. It was Ascend the Hill's cover of "How Great Thou Art." I typically love modern covers of hymns, and this one is phenomenal. After that song, I flipped through a couple stations and heard "Our God," "How He Loves," and "My Savior Lives," all powerful songs that hold meaning for me. God was talking and asking me to listen.

I drove past a house I've driven past several times before, but this time, due to the weather changing, the tree was only half covered with leaves, orange and yellow leaves, and as I watched, some leaves drifted off the tree and floated to the ground.

And God said, "Alex, I want you to be a tree." Seriously. He said, "I've been shaking you and your leaves, the things you hold dear, because I want you to hold me dearer than any of that. Soon, you're going to be bare. You have felt and will feel empty and alone. But you are never alone. And during those times, I urge you to dig your roots down deep into my love and my words. Look, I am bringing about new buds. Little bursts of growth and blessing. Alex, let me love you, and I will shower lush leaves upon you. I will bring about new growth and new experiences and new things for you and for the people around you. I long for you to trust me, to hope in me, to have faith that what I am bringing about is best, even you don't understand, even when you're hurt. Let me love you. Let me demonstrate my faithfulness. I am the Lord your God."

For I am like a tree whose roots reach the water, whose branches are refreshed with the dew.

Job 29:19

So I'm going to be a tree.

The Accuser

For the accuser of our brothers and sisters has been thrown down to earth -the one who accuses them before our God day and night.

-Revelation 12:10b

One day the members of the heavenly court came to present themselves before the Lord, and the Accuser, Satan, came with them. "Where have you come from?" the Lord asked Satan. Satan answered the Lord, "I have been patrolling the earth, watching everything that’s going on."

- Job 1:6-7

Are you feeling accused? One of the names of Satan is Accuser (also see Zechariah 3:1) and he seems to wear the title proudly when we are the most unable to stand up for ourselves.

I was exhausted physically and feeling far from God emotionally and a little on the dry side spiritually recently when I began feeling even worse. It was like everything I fear, everything I doubt, and everything I worry about was being thrown into my face all at once. I felt insignificant and berated and accused. Accused of things I've already been forgiven for.

I was crying when God gave me Zephaniah 3:17. It just popped into my head. But instead of the NLT version, which I own, I remembered and later looked up the 2011 NIV version, which reads a little differently. It says,

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.

And that's awesome. Those words that my NLT Bible translates as "He is a mighty savior" or words you may remember from Hillsong as "He is mighty to save" are translated in the new NIV as "Mighty Warrior who saves". My God is a Mighty Warrior and he is fighting on my behalf.

I suddenly got the image from John Eldredge's Wild at Heart where the man fights for and on behalf of the woman in his life. Not that the woman can't fight, but that the man is called to fight for her. It is his duty to come for her heart in that way. Listen, girls and guys, God is coming for your heart. He is a Mighty Warrior, fighting on your behalf against Satan and his lies.

Honestly, I was really scared of the feelings I could not explain. I did not know how I could stand up from under them. But I didn't have to. See, God fought for me last night. Since we belong to Christ now, we are co-heirs and conquerors with him. We are his precious children and his bride. Basically, when Satan messes with you, he's messing with God.

So, let God fight for you. Be honest. Say, "God, I can't do this anymore." And let him take your burdens, however painful they are. Let him take your griefs and mistakes, however deep they run. Let him take even Satan's lies, however true they seem. God is your patient lover, waiting to come to your rescue.

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.

- Isaiah 30:18

One Hundred Billion Trillion

I love learning about science. Granted, typically I'm a very "artsy" kind of person. I'd rather take a picture of a flower than learn about the pollination of the flower. I'd rather write a poem about the moon than study the craters on its surface.

However, in Scientific Literacy yesterday, my professor was teaching about the cosmos. Mid-way through his lecture, he thought of something and ran out of the room to get his his Bible from his office. When he returned, he read from Isaiah chapter 40, verse 26:

Look up into the heavens.
Who created all the stars?
He brings them out like an army, one after another,
calling each by its name.
Because of his great power and incomparable strength,
not a single one is missing.

Then, referring to some calculations on the whiteboard, he indicated that modern scientists roughly estimate that there are about one hundred billion trillion stars in the known universe.

Okay, catch that: God knows and calls the name of each star in the universe, and there are more than a hundred billion trillion of them! God calls each star out one by one to light the night sky and fill the darkness of nighttime. No star is missed. Psalm 147:4 says, "[God] counts the stars and calls them all by name."

The only thing that was running through my head as my professor was saying this was a line from Matthew West's song, More: "I love you more than the sun and the stars that I taught how to shine...". And if God, this vast, omnipotent, omnipresent God, loves me more than the stars he hand-placed in the sky, I truly am loved!

The Bible is not silent about science, as some might assume. In fact, since science is basically the study of God's creation, the Bible is filled with discussion about it. Job 9:9 says, "[God] made all the stars—the Bear and Orion,the Pleiades and the constellations of the southern sky." The awesome thing about creation is that it shows God's presence and majesty (Romans 1:20), because creation has to have a creator. While we can't physically see God, we can see his creation, which gives us a glimpse of how amazing God really is.

Go outside and watch the sunset, watch God bring the stars out one by one, watch the moon light up the night. And praise him. For every great star that appears in the night sky, we catch a reminder of God's love for us.

God is more glorious than the moon; he shines brighter than the stars.

Job 25:5

The Lord merely spoke, and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born.

Psalm 33:6

When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—

the moon and the stars you set in place—

what are mere mortals that you should think about them,

human beings that you should care for them?

Psalm 8:3-4