Already Forgiven

My college's prayer team has spent days and weeks participating in 24/7 prayer for a number of years, and next week is our big Spring 2013 week of nonstop prayer. 24/7 Prayer is an "international, interdenominational Christian movement praying and working for reconciliation" spiritually, socially, and environmentally.

A couple years ago, while I was spending an hour in our prayer room on campus with a group of people for a 24/7 prayer week, I got the strong sense that God was speaking to me. This was before the really powerful sense of God's voice I felt when my vision clouded over and my heart beat faster, like when I was called to Asia, even though I haven't had that same experience in a while. Anyway, I felt as if God was saying, "I've already forgiven you." At the time, I had not been to counseling or expressed my need for confession or accountability yet. I didn't understand. It was almost like I could not quite process what God was saying to me, like I wasn't ready for it.

I'm not sure if I felt like I was being "super-righteous" or what, but I opened my eyes and looked for someone to whom I could tell what God had told me. I figured that since I didn't quite understand what he meant in reference to my own life, he must have meant it for someone else. I stood up and walked across the room to a girl I barely knew, who I'll call T, and I told her, "God has already forgiven you." She smiled at me, I smiled back, and I returned to my seat.

The funny thing is, she no longer attends my college, but I recently became acquainted with her blog. She is working with the International House of Prayer in the area where I used to live, and I am reading such encouraging and spiritually-motivating thoughts on her blog. A tiny part of me is like: Who am I to think I'm all high and mighty for God Himself to give me a message for this girl who is obviously closer to Him than I am?

I chastised myself for that thought, because why would I think that? Maybe she really did need to hear what God had told me. On the other hand, for several weeks after that night, I have questioned why I so distinctly felt God telling me "I've already forgiven you" if there was no point to it. Eventually, I gave up my concern for the circumstance and let it pass. Now, years later, it struck me tonight that perhaps that word from God was for me.

I have been out of counseling for over three months now, and I do not have all my problems solved. However, I am at a much healthier place in my life. I have learned positive coping mechanisms and successful thought processes. I have seen God in an entirely new light. And now even when the emotional roller coaster of that changing process is pretty much over, and it's tempting to get down on myself again, God continues to reveal little things to me. Like this thought tonight that maybe that word was for me: to prepare me for dealing with my crap and to prepare me for the time of learning after dealing with it.

His Words to me are:

I have already forgiven you. And I will keep forgiving you.

This is about more than the "sin that so easily entangles" that we all deal with everyday. This is about the deep tragedies of life from when we were younger, the sins we committed and the sins committed against us. This is about the sense of failing that grinds into our shoulders and backs and hearts and keeps us from standing up straight or letting our real faces show to the world.

Our God is not a God of anger. He is a God who speaks.

I have been praying for God to speak to me again, and I have been asking for more of Him since very early this month. I'm sad to say I have not been asking him consistently for these big things, but mostly I have been asking him for little things, like to "please let this computer open my document now so I won't be late to class." I know, those are ridiculous things. People write sermons on how we shouldn't treat God like a vending machine when they hear prayers like that.

Fortunately, those "little" prayers are teaching me something, too. A relationship with God is built not only on big things, but also on little things. Similarly, my relationship with my roommate L is built on "big" things, like finding time to Skype over Christmas or summer break or buying each other nice things for our birthdays. But it is also built on little things, like when I save her the chocolate piece at the end of a nutty ice cream cone. She loves the little chocolate piece. It's something small and meaningful, as crazy as that sounds.

A relationship with God should not be lived on Sunday mornings and during revival weeks. It should be lived in the day to day, and my seemingly petty prayers only serve to remind me to keep a conversation with God at the forefront. They remind me to ask God what he would have me do instead of constantly asking him to do things for me. He is so good and so patient and so graceful with an already-but-not-yet-resurrected-fallen-woman like me.

Oh, and by the way, the document opened before I had even finished my prayer. Even in the little things, God reminds me that he will always pursue me. He will always speak to me. He will always forgive me.

We are already forgiven.

"What is Man?" [My Thoughts on Lent]

Stuck between hours of reading, journal responses, and craft nights for Valentine's Day sits something I usually scarcely notice. My desk and the kitchen table are scattered with glittery heart stickers and pink and red hole scraps of paper. There are books everywhere.

My nights are late. When they're not, my mornings are early. And sometimes both.

This is the point of the semester when you prove yourself. It's not yet mid-terms. It's not yet pay-day. The homework level has increased to the typical norm and you must balance your time wisely so you can complete the bigger tasks that lay ahead.

I am not-so-patiently awaiting details on overseas student teaching, acceptance at a summer job, and confirmation for my future. I struggle with feeling alone, again, on Valentine's Day. I struggle with feeling tired too early in the semester. I struggle with keeping a budget when I'm on the five-meal plan. I struggle with freedom.

Today was Ash Wednesday, which marked the beginning of the Lenten season. My college has, in the past couple semesters, introduced a variety of worship styles. Our chapel service this morning was an Ash Wednesday service based on Anglican liturgy. It included Scripture reading, responsive reading, chanting, kneeling, standing, prayers aloud and silently, and the traditional ashen cross. We were given the option of coming forward during the Imposition of Ashes to receive the cross on our foreheads.

While the speaker, a professor here, spoke candidly about how we must not skip ahead to the resurrection too soon, I found myself longing for it desperately throughout the service. It is true that being raised in communities that only barely resemble liturgical churches may have colored my perception of liturgy. However, it seems to me that we can get too easily caught up in guilt and shame and sin that we neglect to act as if and believe that we are forgiven. Having lived in a mindset of legalism, guilt (real and false), and worthlessness for years, I am tired of feeling guilty for my sins any longer. Maybe that is not the appropriate response, but it is exactly how I feel. I don't want to be beaten over the head with rules that make me feel like crap. Don't God and I have a relationship?

Someone once told me that legalism is the natural course of the heart. When we realize we aren't doing it perfectly, we strive to make rules for ourselves so that we will, by our estimation. What we don't understand is that God doesn't want rules and God doesn't want sacrifices. He wants us to do what he says out of love, not out of a fear that we don't, we will be struck down from heaven.

Yet perhaps there is a time and a place for the "Ash Wednesday" phenomenon. I mean, the church calendar has been around for ages and no one really seems to have a huge problem with today's purple and black and ash crosses. Yes, my sinfulness brings me to my knees on many occasions. I guess the problem I have is with "requiring" repentance just because this is the beginning of a season.

I would just like to change the connotation of the Lenten season. Rather than a time of repentance and sad reflection, let this be a time of eager anticipation. Do not fast because it somehow reminds you of the suffering of Christ (how can it even compare?). Fast because it allows you that time to devote to knowing Christ more. And never, by any means, fast because everyone else is doing it. Fast (from anything) because God is telling you to do it.

In the scheme of things, finite man is nothing compared to infinite God. Nothing. But the fact remains that he is deeply in love with us. Why? Because he is delighted in the creation that he chose to create.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

- Psalm 8:3-5

Second Chances

After a lovely graduation at my alma mater and an awesome commencement speech from one of my favorite high school teachers, I had every intention of welcoming friends into the high-school-graduate club, taking a few pictures, and heading home to enjoy the beautiful and warm evening. I planned to write a blog post and add some supporters to my e-mail update list for while I am overseas before going to bed.

 I was feeling like quite the independent woman, to say the least. (Cue the “independent black woman who don’t need no man!”) Walking back to my car after the ceremony tonight, in my heels with my fancy purse, I relished (maybe a bit too forwardly) that I was a twenty year college student with my life before me and trip to Asia on the horizon. I even got the random urge to roll down my windows and turn up the radio and sing Abandon’s “New Years Day” much too loudly on the thirty minute drive home. It was fantastic.

Then I glanced down and realized I had missed a call from my mom. I called her back and we played a short round of phone tag. She called me back again and asked me if I had left graduation yet and where I was.

Pause with me for a moment. Here I am. Independent. Driving my own car. I have been at college on and off for two years, during which time I do not call my mom every time I leave or arrive somewhere, like I once did during my first years as a licensed driver. My mom was even at graduation, though she was required to sit with the other teachers while I sat with a friend, and she told me she was leaving as soon as the ceremony was over, but that I could stay as long as I wanted. So why did she call me? It felt like overkill.

Believe me, I absolutely love my mom. But there was something that irked me about her phone call. Sometimes I feel like I am at this strange and confusing crossroads between child and adult. Legally, I can order things online, drive unrestricted, live by myself, and a host of other things. One more year and I’ll be legal in more ways as well.

Yet at the very same time, I am so incredibly dependent. Just hours earlier, my mom bought my dinner at Moe’s and was reminding me that I have to rely on someone to come pick me up from the airport when I fly back to the US from Asia.

And when it comes to God, I need him to. Sometimes I hate admitting that.

I came home from college excited about this trip to Asia. I came home tired, so tired, but ready to learn and grow (and read and knit and run) this summer. And I was doing well, too. I had a system for getting up at a decent time, eating a healthy breakfast and doing a devotional time, then heading to the YMCA for a good workout and practicing for a 5K.

In time, I began slipping out of the schedule. I got prideful. I stayed up too late and woke up too late. I didn’t do my devotions; I stopped seeing God in the little things. I slipped up. Earlier today, I got upset for no reason. I lost my phone and blamed it on everyone but myself. I became disappointed in myself for a side cramp and a leg-spasm-thing that kept me from running today. I yelled at my brother.

When I don’t go to God for the daily (spiritual) bread I need each day, I sometimes wonder how I make it through the day. It’s awful. There is this God who is sovereign over everything and who loves me and I continue to ignore him and his pursuit of me because reading the Bible is “boring” or I’m “tired” or there’s “so much” to do. How stupid is that?

Tonight, driving with the windows down and “New Years Day” loud, I thought about second chances. Today did not go exactly as planned, although it ended well. When I mess up, whether I’m struggling with a bad habit sin or a major struggle sin, whether I’m just not seeing God or actively rebelling against God, it should bring me to (good) guilt - the kind that leads to repentance.

Repentance is not an “I’m sorry” and move on. It’s a changing “I’m sorry.” Repentance means that I hate the sin and I am so grateful that God would love me through and in spite of it. In reality, God does not see my sinful self, but rather the holy Jesus covering over me. And while God sees Jesus covering me, I am being redeemed and made holy. I am in the process of sanctification. I am being saved.

Am I there yet? Definitely not. But I must believe that God is working. God is moving. I am being sanctified. I am being made to look more like him.

And I must have patience with myself along the way. God is a God of second chances and it’s okay to need him desperately, because I do. A lot.

What I'm Listening To...

"New Year's Day" - Abandon

"You Are" - Tenth Avenue North

"You Are My King (Amazing Love)" - Newsboys

Check out my 30 Before 30 Blog: doing thirty things in the next ten years. Want to get e-mail updates  while I'm in Asia for five weeks? Use the form in the post below. Comment with your thoughts on repentance!

Thunderstorms and Change in the Air

It rained so many times today. The skies were absolutely dark in the direction ahead of me and I was driving  to a nearby town to pick up my brother. I called him and asked him if it was raining where he was. He assured me it was not and I hung up. A few moments later, it started pouring where I was driving.
It rained again when I missed my turn and took the back way to get my brother, this time a more gentle rain. My windshield looked like it was covered in tiny jewels.
Then it rained once I got into town and began helping for my mom's program. We moved everything for the reception upstairs into the cafeteria just in time before a huge storm hit. The lights flickered and the windows shook and we could barely see out of the windows.

My roommate-last-year loves the rain because to her, it is God telling her he's got everything under control and he knows what he's doing. I am not sure if I am remembering right, but I am pretty sure it rained at her grandfather's funeral, and that is why it means so much to her. It was like God was saying, "Hey, I've got this..." Recently, butterflies have been telling me the same thing. Rain often still gets to me in a beautiful way, but God has been using butterflies, too. For example, over the weekend I was nervous about a friend's spiritual life. I was putting my insurance information back into my glove compartment, half of my body in my car and half out, when I glanced out the windshield. Right as I looked up, a gorgeous blue butterfly flitted by. And God said, "Hey, I've got this..." 

I know it sounds a bit sacrilegious to an American Christian to rely on "signs and visions," although the Bible tells us that in the end days, people will prophesy and see visions and dreams (Acts 2:17). However, I know that God is a patient lover who is pursuing his bride, the church, both corporately and individually. And I know that one of the ways God pursues us is with things that have meaning to us, like the right song at the right time. Or a kind word right when we need it. Or a butterfly.

Believe me, God is here. And active. And he is working. We just have to listen.

From Flickr - US National Archives

P.S. I'm going to China in five weeks and two days! I will not be posting on this blog while I'm gone and I may or may not be available on Facebook. If you would like to receive e-mail updates from me (about one per week) while I'm out of the country for five weeks, please fill out the form below. Thanks!

Singleness of Heart

I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently. About how messy they are, how our relationship with God affects other relationships and how other relationships affect our relationship with God, how people shape our lives, for better or for worse. I love seeing the parallels between my relationship with God and the relationship involved in marriage. It's absolutely beautiful.

Along the same lines, remember back two months ago when I first shared about a calling God had given me? (If not, you can read about it here.) Recently, God shook that up a little bit. He whispered to me that maybe it wasn't so much about singleness of relationship status as it was about singleness of heart.

When the people return to their homeland, they will remove every trace of their vile images and detestable idols. And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, so they will obey my decrees and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.

(Ezekiel 11:18-20)

This passage from Ezekiel is describing the Jewish people returning to Jerusalem after the exile. God tells Ezekiel that the people will give up their idolatry. God says that he will bring his people back to focusing on him spiritually and legally. Therefore, singleness of heart means to get rid of anything that even so much as threatens God's place in your life. Anything that breaks that first commandment is out. 

Interestingly, the passage also talks about having a tender and responsive heart. Ladies who are struggling with their emotions tend to think that if only they could just be strong and not weak, they wouldn't succumb to their emotions. Legalistic people often think they are never firm enough and that's why they can't keep their obligations. The fact is that being gentle, tender, open, whatever word you want to use, is good. It's good to be willing to let God use you, to be available to his calling, to let yourself melt when he pursues you. It's good to allow yourself to be responsive to God. 

Friends, are we walking with the Lord so closely that we are devoted to him like a bride is devoted to her soon-to-husband? Are we so patiently listening for his will and so captivated by his words that we will let ourselves be pursued?

God loves you. A ton. He died for you! And the point I'm making is that because he is so awesome and so great, we are called to praise him. One beautiful way to praise him is to allow only Him in our hearts at one time.

It's called singleness of heart. It means that while I don't know what God is doing in my love life and I probably won't want to know, I'm still seeking with everything, and maybe a little more than everything. Do I do it perfect? Nope. Anything but. But I know that God is faithful and that he loves us. No matter what.

Turning Twenty... And Other Wrestles

I had a bit of a crisis last night in the library between Charles Dickens’ Best Stories and Europe Since 1715. It had nothing to do with literary and historical classics, but… I’m turning twenty years old this weekend! What?!? Don’t get me wrong, this is super exciting, but it’s a time of transition and change as well. And I usually don’t like transition and change.

I was sitting at my favorite table in the library, filling out an application for a ministry position on campus, when I was just a bit shocked at how quickly I had found myself here. Hasn’t it been less than two years since I cried myself to sleep as a high school senior, wondering what was going to happen when I graduated, moved, and “adopted” an entire stepfamily? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I drove a little red Mercury Cougar with bucket seats? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I was a terrified and naïve eighteen year old with a broken family and a heart yearning for love?

Sometimes I just want to yell, "Look at me now!" I want to find that guy who made fun of me in middle school so I can show him who I’ve become and talk with him about what God can do in people’s lives. I want to remind my dad that I am no longer the eight year old little girl I was when he left and I want to tell him that he can never get back those years of my life. I want to actually do the great and wonderful things that my shyness and insecurities kept me from doing years ago.

One of the things I’ve wrestled with when it comes to my birthday is my singleness. For one, God has been showing me amazing things about singleness and sacrifice since my last post. That’s been really good. The problem, however, is that I honestly have not been living and thinking in ways I know I should and in ways that will glorify God. I mean, I have worked to maintain outward displays of purity and joyfulness in singleness, but I am not living with singleness of heart. My heart is not thinking on that which is noble and pure and true and my mind is not full of the glories of my Savior. It is often on two things: Complaining about being "alone" and dwelling on the "potentials" of a relationship.

This makes me upset. God has specifically called me to singleness for this current season, for the next while of my life, and I’ve discovered my heart is set on anything but Him. That should be my point! When we sacrifice what is good, we do so for the whole purpose of gaining that which is best (namely, God). So, if we participate in something like Lent or a personal sacrifice, we must replace what we give up with God, especially more time in his presence and more time meditating on him.

I guess I had some kind of unspoken plan to date while I was still a teenager. Leaving that behind has been weird. It’s a bit like the first time I realized I wasn’t going to be kissed in high school. I’m saving my first kiss for when I get engaged, so that eliminates that opportunity. It really was not a big deal, but it made me think. Now, I’m wondering how long God’s command that I sacrifice my desire to date will be. At this rate, I’m doing a very bad job at it, and God just might call me to surrender dating for a while. Am I okay with that? Well, when it comes to God, I have to be. Assuming that the Creator of the universe actually gave me life and knows how best to live it, I shouldn’t have much of a problem trusting his plans for my life, my entire life, even my love life.

But I do. I do have problems trusting him.

I have a problem when I see yet another couple is displaying way too much physical affection. I have a problem when I don’t pay attention to God’s consistent pursuit of my heart because I chalk it up to coincidence. I have a problem when I hear stories of the not-so-smart actions of girls and guys when it comes to romantic relationships.

This problem is more like a heart cry of mine, focused on the brokenness between people, especially in male/female relationships. A female friend and I talked the other night, completely broken over the hurt we have encountered in relationships with our dads, brothers, guy friends, and male spiritual leaders. There’s a lot of hurt there. I told her that I was striving with every bit of me to believe that there are strong Godly men who are spiritual leaders. Yet after struggling with the pain of broken relationships, believing that is so difficult.

That’s a problem I encounter when it comes to trusting in God. Now, the good news is that we must give God time to shape our future spouses. We wouldn’t want to begin dating them until God has shaped us, too.

And I think that’s my point.

Are we passionately in love with the God who pursues us and loves us with everything? I’ve come to realize that we cannot and should not begin a dating relationship until we are passionately in love with him. This does not mean that we never date. This does not mean that we are hopeless. This simply means that we get some things straight before we involve other person. We must be able to worship and serve God and love doing it. We must find out some things about ourselves, like what makes us tick and what gives us energy, before we try to find that in another person. We must pray and fast and embrace silence and read the Word and every other spiritual discipline. We must learn to love all our brothers and sisters. We must give and give freely of ourselves and our time and our love. And I believe we must have heartache along the way. No one is ready for a dating relationship unless they have been hurt and caused hurt in the past and have come to terms with it and moved. It’s essential.

Is your faith your own? Is your God your own? Do you love him?

I wrote a fictional (but largely based on actual events) post that was themed like a Q and A session with God. I asked God why I was still single. He asked me if I loved him. I hope and pray that we would dive deeper into him, take our pain and joys to him, and worship him fully. That’s why we’re here.

Even at twenty years old and never dated, that's still why I'm here. A woman's highest calling is the same as a man's, regardless of occupation, station, or relationship status... to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

The Lord, My Husband

Hosea 2:14-16 and 19, speaking of God restoring the unfaithful nation of Israel:

'But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes,' says the Lord, 'you will call me "my husband" instead of "my master." .... I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.'

Can you say beautiful? Sinful, rebellious, unfaithful Israel, restored to her king and lover. And represented by Hosea marrying, and then returning to rescue multiple times, his adulterous wife. It's amazing.

I've been thinking recently about God as my lover or husband. It's kindof a strange idea, especially after so many Sunday School lessons where Jesus was presented as a best friend or Father-figure. When I moved up to high school ministry, the same presentation was applied. There was little mention, as far as I can remember, of Jesus being a lover. (Some of my pastors strayed away from Song of Solomon, too, if you get my gist.)

But God definitely is a lover. You can't read Hosea without seeing that. Last month, I wrote a post referencing a verse from Exodus in which Moses tells the Israelites that God is jealous for a relationship with them, his chosen people. In a later post, I reflected on God being jealous for a relationship with me. And you.

There's such a distinct connection between God's love and human love. Granted, God's love is always unconditional even when human love is not, but one helps to explain the other. An older friend once told me that she began to understand God's love for her more clearly as she experienced the love her husband had for her. It makes sense. Another friend explained relationships by saying that God gives us friendships and romantic relationships to illustrate and help us understand the relationship God wants to have with us. Since we can see and physically touch other people, our responses to them are typically more "natural" (although maybe that's the wrong word) than with God, whom we cannot see or touch. There is a physical metaphor to almost every spiritual occurrence (e.g. run the good race, warfare, discipline, etc) - and human relationships are a metaphor for our relationship with God.

Oddly enough, diving deeper into a connection like this with God has got me desiring a dating relationship. It seems strange that this enlightenment about God's love would reawaken my longing for love, but only until I realize that God created love. It's normal. It's good. How can the God of the universe who sent his only Son to die for me not inspire love? How can I respond to him in any other way but love, when I realize that while I was yet a sinner, steeped in filth, he loved me first and he rescued me simply because he wanted to, simply because he considered me valuable?

And that makes me desire something deep and beautiful: a dating relationship with a guy that is, of course, fun and affectionate, but is also genuine. Real and compassionate. Supportive, poetic, and ridiculously adventurous. Where God is so central and so overwhelming to the relationship that people watching us just can't help but feel Him. Where we are our own persons, but we become something stronger together. A relationship in which physical boundaries are tightly drawn. A relationship where I can stop trying, controlling, and wanting to manipulate, and just enjoy. A place where vulnerability is necessary and trust is required. Something with possibilities. Something that leads to marriage. I mean, dating that doesn't have the possibility of heading toward marriage is a bit pointless, don't you think?

Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Maybe that sort of thing doesn't happen anymore. Maybe it's just for movies. I looked up synonyms for "romantic," and alongside words like affectionate, amorous, and aphrodisiac, I saw impractical, unrealistic, unusual, and Utopian. But something in me, something deeply embedded in my soul, tells me that the love I desire is not impossible. It's confirmed by the beautiful heart of my Savior.

So, I'm waiting. But (cue John Waller), while I'm waiting, I'm not complaining. Okay, I'm not trying to complain... Haha. But it's not so much waiting as it is letting God have his way with me. What is God doing in me? Well, for one, he's showing me how faithful he is. He has been doing that since Easter, and I love watching him work as he reveals faithfulness after faithfulness. Another thing God is doing is showing me his love. He's pouring out love, through friends and experiences and moments like two nights ago when I just spent a while in surrender and worship and prayer. And I have realized that God is not finished yet. Every time I think he is, he draws me through another challenge just to convince that there's more I have yet to learn! And I'm learning what it means to get excited about those things God is about. I'm learning to listen to his heart and see people the way he sees them. And I have the freedom to do what he's asking without hesitation - I'm not tied to any guy... which is both a humbling and freeing thought.

The Lord is my husband, my Savior, my lover. I'm excited about knowing and loving him as such, even though I have no idea how to do it. But I am learning, ever so slowly. And God is working. I am overwhelmed only by His love.

Jealous

In the midst of commands about covenants, Asherah poles, Festivals, and sacrafices, I found this little gem in Exodus 34:14:

You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.

Wow. That makes "How He Loves" such a more beautiful song. God is jealous for me, and jealous for our relationship. It reminds me of Hosea, when Israel (the prostitute) scorns God (Hosea) b leaving him and committing adultery with other men. God is so jealous for me and I constantly leave him to run after something else I think might make me happy instead of him.

The Accuser

For the accuser of our brothers and sisters has been thrown down to earth -the one who accuses them before our God day and night.

-Revelation 12:10b

One day the members of the heavenly court came to present themselves before the Lord, and the Accuser, Satan, came with them. "Where have you come from?" the Lord asked Satan. Satan answered the Lord, "I have been patrolling the earth, watching everything that’s going on."

- Job 1:6-7

Are you feeling accused? One of the names of Satan is Accuser (also see Zechariah 3:1) and he seems to wear the title proudly when we are the most unable to stand up for ourselves.

I was exhausted physically and feeling far from God emotionally and a little on the dry side spiritually recently when I began feeling even worse. It was like everything I fear, everything I doubt, and everything I worry about was being thrown into my face all at once. I felt insignificant and berated and accused. Accused of things I've already been forgiven for.

I was crying when God gave me Zephaniah 3:17. It just popped into my head. But instead of the NLT version, which I own, I remembered and later looked up the 2011 NIV version, which reads a little differently. It says,

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.

And that's awesome. Those words that my NLT Bible translates as "He is a mighty savior" or words you may remember from Hillsong as "He is mighty to save" are translated in the new NIV as "Mighty Warrior who saves". My God is a Mighty Warrior and he is fighting on my behalf.

I suddenly got the image from John Eldredge's Wild at Heart where the man fights for and on behalf of the woman in his life. Not that the woman can't fight, but that the man is called to fight for her. It is his duty to come for her heart in that way. Listen, girls and guys, God is coming for your heart. He is a Mighty Warrior, fighting on your behalf against Satan and his lies.

Honestly, I was really scared of the feelings I could not explain. I did not know how I could stand up from under them. But I didn't have to. See, God fought for me last night. Since we belong to Christ now, we are co-heirs and conquerors with him. We are his precious children and his bride. Basically, when Satan messes with you, he's messing with God.

So, let God fight for you. Be honest. Say, "God, I can't do this anymore." And let him take your burdens, however painful they are. Let him take your griefs and mistakes, however deep they run. Let him take even Satan's lies, however true they seem. God is your patient lover, waiting to come to your rescue.

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.

- Isaiah 30:18

God is Pursuing You...

...Even when your busyness is overwhelming.

I've got some things on my heart right now that I really need to express. For one, this is the third week of the Spring semester of my Freshman year of college. Literally, it feels like I just got here. I'm so impressed with how quickly everything seems to be passing by.

In addition, this semester has marked the beginning of my participation in several activities, including my first Student Ministry (semester-long community or campus service). For my student ministry, I'm working with my new church in the youth and children's ministries. I am also leading a Bible Study for the girls in my dorm on the book of Esther (we had our second meeting today) and co-leading a group here on campus that is studying the movie "To Save a Life". In addition, I'm working 15 hours a week (3 more than last semester) and slowly assuming the responsibilities as Secretary in a club that was created to spread awareness and prevent sex trafficking of minors. And, last but not least, I'm taking 15 credit hours, which is 5 classes.

Surviving this semester in one piece will be a miracle. But you know what the cool thing is? God still works miracles. :)

And the fact of the matter is that God is still pursuing me. He's showing me amazing things. On Monday, I was beginning to worry about not having the right lesson plans for Bible study today. I had a theme I wanted to talk about, but I couldn't find a good story to tie Esther's experiences to modern day. In my 11am class on Monday, a missionary couple was invited to speak, and the wife told us the story of how they became missionaries and how God was calling them into the field. It was so beautiful, and I knew it was perfect for relating to God calling Esther to the King's Palace.

God is still pursuing me. Even when things get crazy, God's ridiculously in love with me. And you! And he would love for you to take a break from the hectic-ness of life and just spend some moments with him. Spend some time focused on him, his love for you, the amazing gift of his son whom he sent for you. And after being romanced by your Savior, go love someone. Christ has shown us what it means to love so we can go and be love for those around us.

Be still and know that he is God and let him recharge you to go out and love others.

C. S. Lewis writes:

An ‘impersonal God’ - well and good. A subjective God of beauty, truth and goodness, inside our own heads - better still. A formless life-force surging through us, a vast power which we can tap - best of all. But God Himself, alive, pulling at the other end of the cord, perhaps approaching at an infinite speed, the hunter, king, husband - that is quite another matter.

- C.S. Lewis's Miracles

Later in this same passage, C.S. Lewis asks, "Supposing we really found Him? Or, He found us?"

There are many people on a mad search for God, even though they call it something else. They'll say "I'm trying to find happiness" or "Looking for someone who will make me feel good and happy" or "I just need this amount of money, this kind of boyfriend or girlfriend, this car, then I'll be set". Some get a little closer when they say: "If I only knew the meaning of life, then I'd know what I'm supposed to be doing."

We are all on a search for something to fill us, to stop us from striving, and we, as faulty humans, will try anything. Bad things, good things, people, possessions, activities, experiences... But nothing will fill in the hole like Christ. In fact, nothing ever fills the emptiness in us except Christ.

So, in all of this searching, if these searching people actually came face to face with God, the real, living God that Lewis describes as "hunter, king, and husband", how would their lives change. Everything would be different. God changes everything.

The cool part is that God, the real, living God, is not sitting on a giant throne somewhere gazing down on our earth nonchalantly. He is playing an active role in our world. He created it, but he hasn't left it here - He is working in it even now. With that in mind, note that God is ardently pursing every one of us, even those who do not know him or believe in him. He pursues us with love, quietly, romantically, drawing us into a relationship with Him. Picture a wayward young woman romanced by a strong lover, diligent in pursuing her.

God may be pursuing you in many different ways. For me, I am captivated by sunrises and sunsets, and I believe God creates them to show his beauty. Other times, friends, acquaintances, even people I don't know, say something that could only be perceived as a word from God. He is wooing you and pulling you towards Him.

And He is real and living and active and personable.

All We Need Is You

There are two specific times in our lives when we come face-to-face with the realization that Christ is literally we need: First, when we have absolutely nothing monetarily or physically or even emotionally, and we have to rely completely on God for life and sustainment. And second, when we have everything we want and then some, and we finally understand that none of it matters and none of it fulfills and we realize the only way we can be truly sustained (and yet also truly alive) is through God.

I feel like I have experienced tiny glimpses of both in my life. In regards to the first one: following my parents' divorce when I was eight, my mom, 3-year-old brother, and I moved into my mom's parents' house for six months. It was five people sharing one shower. My mom saved up to buy a little house about an hour away from my grandparents. I never knew it at the time, but those first few years in our new house on our own were the most difficult for my mom, financially and emotionally. She was in desperate need of God, and through that I now see how God provided for us.

Secondly, my mom married my stepdad in June, and since then, we've lived in his house, about 30 minutes away from our old house. Not only has this marriage provided more financially for my family (in the way of two incomes), but it has also helped to expand my horizons and cause me to grow (I've stepped out of a teeny-tiny comfort zone, my mom is now more stable to support me in my endeavors in college, and my step-dad is also pushing me to be better while encouraging who I am). Thus, I have more stuff (my physical needs and wants are met) and I have more strength emotionally (I am supported by a network of caring people).

And after all this is said and done, here I sit, on this Christmas Eve, knowing I'm in the second category. This post from a little over a month ago relates the same idea: I have a lot of stuff. Good stuff, don't get me wrong, not only possessions, but also things like a great college I'm attending, friends I admire and look up to, a family I wouldn't trade for anything, experiences that have taught me so much, service and leadership opportunities... But it's a lot of stuff. There's nothing I'm just dying to have right now. Except one thing - God.

It's so easy to say "Well, if I only had this! If I only had that!", especially at this time of year. But I've got to the point where no physical thing is necessary any longer. God is calling out. And he's saying: "You don't need me and ____ or me and ____. You just need me. Nothing else will satisfy. I am all you need. I am your God and you will find everything you desire, everything you want, everything you need in me. So drink deep."

Ask God to show you what it looks like for him to be all you need. Ask him to show you what it means to be fully dependent on him. But be careful: I went into that prayer thinking God would take my earthly joys, like possessions or status, away, so that I could learn to trust him when I had nothing. Instead, God gave me earthly joys and asked me to prove that I didn't need them. Either way, and often, echo the words of Charlie Hall, "Cause we have all we need in You. All we need is You, all we need is you."

"The essence of faith is being satisfied with all that God is for us in Jesus."

- John Piper

"I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you."

- Psalm 63:2-5

Your Love

God, thank you for wooing me. Like a patient lover enamored by my beauty, You adore me. You pursue me.

God, I am chief of sinners. I am desperately entangled in sin, surrounded by my enemies, encompassed by the lies of this world, the lies of my sinful desires. I am wrong, so bitterly wrong. I feel distant from you. Surrounded by the dark clouds of my mistakes, and You seem so far away, so dim through the haze.

But You reach out Your hand. Into the darkness of my sin, my pain, my apathy, You reach Your great hand to rescue me. You pull me from the mud and mire and give me a firm, steady, secure, safe place to stand.

I don't want to take Your hand. Everything in me yearns for it, but I'm bitter. I'm depressed, feeling dejected, feeling hurt, feeling ugly and worthless. I feel like I messed up everything.

But You show me the path to redemption. Lighted only by Your voice and marked out only by Your eyes. You show me Your heart.

Still, I'm afraid. It's a scary thing to grasp Your hand and let You pull me up.

You woo me. You speak through the loosened tongues of those who know me. I hear Your voice from the lips of those who have become available for your work. Through these people, willing to be used by You without knowing the outcome, you tell me:

You will always be in love with me

Suffering is inevitable and necessary to be like Christ, but You will never leave me

I am Your masterpiece

You Love me just the way I am

You stretch out Your hand, but because of my shame, I am wary of reaching for it. I know when You begin to rescue me, all my misdeeds, all my sins against Your Holy name will be revealed in the light of Your glory. And I'm ashamed.

But Your Love is greater than any sin of mine. I try to cower, but You simply smile and nod behind You. And there, standing behind you, is a man, yet somehow more than a man. His hands are pierced and bloody, his side is punctured. A crown of thorns is pressed into his head. He is dirty, ragged, and exhausted. But at the same time, He shines with radiance. You smile and tell me he shines because he defeated sin and death. My sin and death. I'm confused.

Knowingly, You remind me of Christ's death and resurrection. But seeing my sin upon his shoulders, tormenting him and weighing him down on that cross, it becomes real. That man, that person of Your trinity, took my sin, my mistakes, my misdeeds, my doubt, my frustrations, my self-righteousness, my impurity, my greed, my selfishness, my apathy, my hate, all my sin, upon himself and was brutally, horrifically, tortured and murdered. For me. Everything I should have faced, everything I should have felt, all the punishment I should have endured because of my sin against my neighbor, against my friend, against my enemy, against You, he suffered. He took the blame, the punishment.

Suddenly, my hazy pit looks like a pity-party for myself. This man, this son of Yours, this only son, died a horrible death for me, for punishment for my sin. He was depressed, dejected, and hurt. For me. Somehow I can never get that through my head. Maybe it's so hard to get my mind around it, so hard to get my mind around Your Love.

Your Love. So I grasp Your hand, the hand You so willingly offer, and You pull me out of my mud and mire. And You give me a rock to stand on. In Your light, I see my nakedness, my shame, my sin, myself for who I really am.

But that's not the way You see me. Because in Your eyes, I am really clothed, unashamed, and perfect. Perfect because I am Yours.There is now no condemnation for those who belong to Your son, You tell me. I am beautiful and matchless to You.

You have a beautiful plan for my life, You tell me. You have a God-sized plan for everyone as a whole, to bring about world-sized restoration. You're bringing Your people back to You again. And You want me to be a part of this. You want me, having been drawn to You, to be Your witness wherever I go, wherever You send me, to the people I meet. And when they see me, they will see You.

You tenderly invite me to an existence of joy. A life not contained by this world, but one which expands beyond the limits of time to live in You. You compassionately invite me to join You, to seek Your face, to know You, to live within You, and thus, to meet other people where they are and be a vessel You can use for Your purposes. Your whole purpose is in restoring Your people to You and You are passionate about this goal. And I willingly accept Your invitation to go out into the world, to my neighbor beside me and my neighbor across the world from me, and be Your witness and reach the ones You love who are lost without You.

You are in love with me. And You adore me.

I constantly spit in Your face, ridicule You, and reject You for something I think might possibly be more important than You, and when I realize what I have done, I am ashamed and my remorse fills me deeply. But You are so in love with me, You just want to be with me. You just want to see my face, hear my voice say Your name. I do not deserve You. I do not deserve Your attention. I messed up! When You Love me, I bring back to memory all the times I rejected You, all the times I cursed You and pretended I didn't know You, all the moments I ignored You...

And You stand there with a smile on Your face, telling me You have no idea what I'm talking about, telling me You Love me. You Love me. Your Love is amazing. And having experienced it, I am falling on my knees. Worship. Surrender. Love.

This was not the story of my conversion to Christ, although it certainty could have been. I turn my back on God on a daily and momentarily basis more times than I'd care to admit, and, as such, this is just the story of a simple day. A little over twenty-four hours of God's wooing. He is incredible. And just as he loves me, he loves you. With the same kind of love and the same deep intensity. His love knows no bounds. And it's here waiting to envelope you.

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

"Your Love" - Brandon Heath

How Amazing is God's LOVE!

Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery, how You gently lift me
When I am surrounded, Your love carries me

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Your love makes me sing

Your love is surprising, I can feel it rising
All the joy that's growing deep inside of me
Every time I see You, all Your goodness shines through
And I can feel this God song, rising up in me

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Your love makes me sing

Hallelujah, By: Vineyard

Missing the Point

To open his book "Crazy Love", Francis Chan asks, "Have you ever wondered if we're missing it?"

I think, especially at Christian schools or colleges, we focus so much on the nonessentials that we are missing the point. In the long run, all of this study of eschatology and typology and deeper Biblical meanings and methods of evangelism and baptism and worship and whatnot are good, but aren't truly essential.

Barlowgirl sings, "At the end of it all, I want to be in Your arms." When it really comes down to the end, where are we? Are we debating if the last chapter of Mark was original or are we sitting on God's lap and breathing him in? When your last day comes, will you tell Jesus how you aced your Hermeneutics exam? Or will you tell him about the people he used you to love? When you go to sleep at night, are you satisfied that you truly convinced the atheist about God's existence or satisfied that Jesus loves you, unconditionally, and has blessed you with the desire to show others his love?

Don't get me wrong, it's a blessing to be here at a Christian college and get the chance to learn my faith and prove it. But have I been missing the most important part?

Recently, I've been getting a weird feeling in worship and prayer and I asked God, "What are you doing? What's going on in my life?" And this morning God said, "Alex, stop trying so hard. Just sit here in me. Breathe me in. Relax and let me do something beautiful."

That's what I'm getting at. Yes, we should study the Bible and Christianity. Yes, we should love and serve and support others. But we should do so out of an intimate relationship and deep love with God.

Temple Tuesday

God, your love is amazing,

Your grace is outstanding,

My soul cannot comprehend.

God, your love brings me to my knees,

Your grace brings me to let go,

Your peace brings me to smile.

God, the gift of your son draws me to tears,

But the fact you redeem me breaks forth my joy.

God, your forgiveness prompts me to forgive others,

And your love prods me to love others.

And the way you welcome me, chief of sinners, into your arms,

Makes me desire to welcome even the worst into your kingdom.

How Vast is God's Love!

Francis Chan writes, "The irony is that while God doesn't need us, but still wants us, we desperately need God, but don't really want him most of the time."

Have you ever thought about God's love? I mean, we've experienced some human love. We have experienced love from our parents, other adult role models, best friends, some of us have experienced romantic love from a significant other or the joyous love of a child. But what about God's love? A term I like to use for God's love is vast, which means immense or huge. But the term also has two distinct connotations: "very great in number, quantity, amount" and "very great in degree, intensity" (dictionary.com). Think about God's love in those terms - not only a lot of love, but also a high intensity of love. Not only the fact that God always loves us, but that fact that he loves us to the nth degree. Unconditionally.

I just wanted to share some quotes from a group of students from my college who meet once a week. This semester, we're talking about "Crazy Love" by: Francis Chan.

"The love of God is the most exciting thing. Being fully consumed with God means that there is no stopping what God can do."

"People will tell you to conserve your energy and to not give all to God and to others. But love is an all-giving thing."

"It's really hard to love people who think they know God's love."

How Deep the Father's Love For Us

By: Stuart Townend

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

My Prayer Today

God,

I've made a mess of me. Like Switchfoot sings, I am my own affliction. Why do I mess up so much?

God, give me a desire to know you more, to yearn for you. Give me a desire to search for you, to seek you, to desire you above all else.

Nothing else fulfills me and rescues me like you.

Lord, I am your creation, pursued by you. Your child. Your friend. Your beloved. Throughout my busy, hectic, overwhelming life, I pray that you, loving you and your children, would be the focus of my life.

Christ be the center of our lives. Be the place we fix our eyes. Be the center of our lives.

Facebook Fast Update #2

Today is day 6 1/2. Tomorrow the "half" is really the whole day because I promised not to get on Facebook until after prom. I won't be home from prom until midnight, which is obviously Sunday. :)

Anyway, other than daydreaming about what my crops must be doing, or wondering how many notifications I'll have when I return, fasting from Facebook isn't truly that hard.

But I have a confession. By eliminating Facebook, I haven't really replaced it with something else. I mean, my life is so busy anyway, but I thought I'd have all this time to do whatever with. Turns out I just watch tv and go to bed earlier. Not entirely what I thought I'd do.

Although maybe today will be different. No school today. I'm getting my eyebrows done at 10:15, then heading to the mall for some kind of hair accessory for prom. I'll be home before lunch, so what am I going to do with the rest of my day? Work on homework for Monday? (Probably, because all I have is a Budget plan for Econ.)

But, I digress. The point is that I'll have more free time today and tomorrow morning/early afternoon. Which is why I'm writing here instead of posting a good Facebook status.

Something I've realized while doing this is that you get out what you put in. When I stopped making status updates, I stopped getting as many e-mails (something I forgot to turn off) announcing that my friends had commented on my statuses. I think that concept applies to other areas of life, too. If I put hours into a certain friendship or relationship, building up the other person, communicating, developing inside jokes... I'm going to get something great out of it. Same thing with God. I haven't been putting in much lately. I've been feeling like I'm working too hard and I'm not getting anything out.

At youth group on Wednesday, the message series was called "Flirt" and it's about "the air and opportunity between God and me". Our youth pastor told us that (in the best sense), God is flirting with us. He draws us towards him and chases us, like guys should do for girls. I've never really heard it mentioned like that before. And I've never really felt like that before. It always seems like I have to do the work to get to God.

People always quote James 4:8 ("Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.") which always leaves me wondering if I have to be perfect to enter God's presence, if I have to do to the work to get to know God. Wouldn't he want to get to know me?

Since context is king, I went to James chapter 4. It describes sinful, covetous people who quarrel and fight because they don't have what they want "because you do not ask God" (v. 2). It goes on to say that when they ask, they ask with "wrong motives" (v. 3).

It says that "friendship with the world is hatred toward God" (v. 4) but that God gives us more grace if we are humble (v. 6). Verse seven is a call for submission to God and resistance to the devil. And there is verse eight, which tells us to draw near to God and purify ourselves. Verses nine and ten tell us to be sad and gloomy and to humble ourselves so God will lift us up.

Huh?

So then I looked at a commentary (here). The commentary says that James is clear about sinful practices and motives "not to leave us in deeper despair over it, but that we may humble ourselves before the Lord and find grace for change". But the commentary does not speak directly to verse 8.

I have to go take a shower, but I trust that this will be resolved. Secretly, though, it's a little scary. Ever been pursued by a guy? It's unnerving! It's hard to know what's happening next.

More later.