Confession: I Don't Do Well With Change

Maybe I'm just going crazy. I certainly feel like it.

The last two weeks have led me to a conclusion: I don't do well with change. Sure, I can handle going halfway around the world with 100+ people I've never met before and getting thrown into a culture and language I definitely did not study enough and facing responsibilities like riding the public bus by myself and imparting not only the English language but also the love of the Father to more than 20 Asian teenagers. Oh, sure. Difficult, but I survived and loved it.

What I can't handle is coming back for my third year in this city and at this college. Granted, I love this so much. I love where I'm living, I love living here in this area of this state, I love who I'm living with. I love my classes, professors, and (even sometimes) the homework.

But this is so stinkin' hard. My confession is that I'm having a much difficult time than I anticipated. I'm definitely feeling disoriented and confused.

For one, I almost got lost in the dorm where I spent two years of my life. I went to visit, and the whole thing was crazy weird. The halls and rooms are the same, but the decorations, names on the doors, and faces are different. I forgot that one staircase goes to all three floors and the basement, while the other only goes to the upper floors. I also entered that dorm's code into the electronic lock on my new terrace-dorm's door. Twice.

Two, I walked into the library more than thirty minutes ago. I literally know less than 40% of the people in the library who have been here since I've been here. So many faces are unfamiliar and voices unknown. I kinda don't know what to do anymore.

Three, I'm still unsure as to what extracurricular activities I'm supposed to be involved in. I mean, my relationship with my church has been weird because our college Sunday school has not yet started up again and I'm not going on Wednesday night anymore. I love all of them, and I miss them.
From first semester freshman year to almost a year ago, I was involved in a group that met for fellowship and Bible study each week. When my time with that ministry drew to a close almost a year ago, I suddenly found myself feeling very empty with how I was supposed to structure my time. I had been so busy for so long that I forgot what to do with myself. I spent October to December in that weird middle state until I began teaching ESL in a neighboring town with a group from my college in January.
Well, I have rejoined that ESL group only to find that there are all new teachers (except me) and I have been paired with a guy (who's engaged) to teach a class of three adult students. The thing is, change is a little unsettling to me. Especially because none of these people taught last semester. Especially because our class sizes are really small this semester. Especially because I don't know this guy very well and I'm worried about co-teaching with him because he's doing this for credit, while I'm just volunteering. So, I'm just a bit unsure of everything.
I feel like I should be stepping up to the roles to which God has called me. Roles like ESL teaching, discipling a friend who asked for help on a class requirement for discipleship, co-leading a small group of freshmen/transfer girls, etc., but I'm having a hard time doing so.

Four, the fact of singleness has hit me hard. I think it does every August, because returning back to school and seeing all the couples get together makes me feel lonely. Maybe moreso this year, I'm seeing couples actually getting married. Couples I know. None of my super-close friends, but people I know. And that's crazy scary. It feels like people are just growing up and moving on without me.  I know God is still doing great and wonderful things in me and through me before I have a guy in my life. But I'm waiting to know what more of those are. I'm learning that it's okay to step outside of my comfort zone a bit and it's okay to get to know people better and it's okay to choose not to hide from guys. Yet, I'm in that awkward stage of not liking anyone. And, again, I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.
Also, autumn/fall, as a season, has definitely been difficult for me for the last two or three years, so there are a lot of cold-weather "backseat driver" moments. And that's been hard as well.

In fact, as I was preparing for this post, I read a previous post of mine from October 2011 in which I wrote about God asking me to be tree. On that day, God showed me that he has great things for me, but he might just "shake my leaves" and ask me to "dig my roots deep" into him in preparation for those things. I wrote that God was telling me:

Look, I am bringing about new buds. Little bursts of growth and blessing. Alex, let me love you, and I will shower lush leaves upon you. I will bring about new growth and new experiences... I long for you to trust me, to hope in me, to have faith that what I am bringing about is best, even you don't understand, even when you're hurt. Let me love you. Let me demonstrate my faithfulness. I am the Lord your God.

You know what? Eleven months later, He is still telling me that. He's still asking me to come in close to him and fall in love with him and trust him and rely on him.

I think right now He's asking me to talk with him. Because how can we claim to love a God with whom we never talk?

What I'm Listening To:

 "Erosion" and "Learning to Breathe" - Switchfoot

"Skeleton Bones" and "Dress Us Up" - John Mark McMillan

Singleness of Heart

I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently. About how messy they are, how our relationship with God affects other relationships and how other relationships affect our relationship with God, how people shape our lives, for better or for worse. I love seeing the parallels between my relationship with God and the relationship involved in marriage. It's absolutely beautiful.

Along the same lines, remember back two months ago when I first shared about a calling God had given me? (If not, you can read about it here.) Recently, God shook that up a little bit. He whispered to me that maybe it wasn't so much about singleness of relationship status as it was about singleness of heart.

When the people return to their homeland, they will remove every trace of their vile images and detestable idols. And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, so they will obey my decrees and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.

(Ezekiel 11:18-20)

This passage from Ezekiel is describing the Jewish people returning to Jerusalem after the exile. God tells Ezekiel that the people will give up their idolatry. God says that he will bring his people back to focusing on him spiritually and legally. Therefore, singleness of heart means to get rid of anything that even so much as threatens God's place in your life. Anything that breaks that first commandment is out. 

Interestingly, the passage also talks about having a tender and responsive heart. Ladies who are struggling with their emotions tend to think that if only they could just be strong and not weak, they wouldn't succumb to their emotions. Legalistic people often think they are never firm enough and that's why they can't keep their obligations. The fact is that being gentle, tender, open, whatever word you want to use, is good. It's good to be willing to let God use you, to be available to his calling, to let yourself melt when he pursues you. It's good to allow yourself to be responsive to God. 

Friends, are we walking with the Lord so closely that we are devoted to him like a bride is devoted to her soon-to-husband? Are we so patiently listening for his will and so captivated by his words that we will let ourselves be pursued?

God loves you. A ton. He died for you! And the point I'm making is that because he is so awesome and so great, we are called to praise him. One beautiful way to praise him is to allow only Him in our hearts at one time.

It's called singleness of heart. It means that while I don't know what God is doing in my love life and I probably won't want to know, I'm still seeking with everything, and maybe a little more than everything. Do I do it perfect? Nope. Anything but. But I know that God is faithful and that he loves us. No matter what.

Turning Twenty... And Other Wrestles

I had a bit of a crisis last night in the library between Charles Dickens’ Best Stories and Europe Since 1715. It had nothing to do with literary and historical classics, but… I’m turning twenty years old this weekend! What?!? Don’t get me wrong, this is super exciting, but it’s a time of transition and change as well. And I usually don’t like transition and change.

I was sitting at my favorite table in the library, filling out an application for a ministry position on campus, when I was just a bit shocked at how quickly I had found myself here. Hasn’t it been less than two years since I cried myself to sleep as a high school senior, wondering what was going to happen when I graduated, moved, and “adopted” an entire stepfamily? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I drove a little red Mercury Cougar with bucket seats? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I was a terrified and naïve eighteen year old with a broken family and a heart yearning for love?

Sometimes I just want to yell, "Look at me now!" I want to find that guy who made fun of me in middle school so I can show him who I’ve become and talk with him about what God can do in people’s lives. I want to remind my dad that I am no longer the eight year old little girl I was when he left and I want to tell him that he can never get back those years of my life. I want to actually do the great and wonderful things that my shyness and insecurities kept me from doing years ago.

One of the things I’ve wrestled with when it comes to my birthday is my singleness. For one, God has been showing me amazing things about singleness and sacrifice since my last post. That’s been really good. The problem, however, is that I honestly have not been living and thinking in ways I know I should and in ways that will glorify God. I mean, I have worked to maintain outward displays of purity and joyfulness in singleness, but I am not living with singleness of heart. My heart is not thinking on that which is noble and pure and true and my mind is not full of the glories of my Savior. It is often on two things: Complaining about being "alone" and dwelling on the "potentials" of a relationship.

This makes me upset. God has specifically called me to singleness for this current season, for the next while of my life, and I’ve discovered my heart is set on anything but Him. That should be my point! When we sacrifice what is good, we do so for the whole purpose of gaining that which is best (namely, God). So, if we participate in something like Lent or a personal sacrifice, we must replace what we give up with God, especially more time in his presence and more time meditating on him.

I guess I had some kind of unspoken plan to date while I was still a teenager. Leaving that behind has been weird. It’s a bit like the first time I realized I wasn’t going to be kissed in high school. I’m saving my first kiss for when I get engaged, so that eliminates that opportunity. It really was not a big deal, but it made me think. Now, I’m wondering how long God’s command that I sacrifice my desire to date will be. At this rate, I’m doing a very bad job at it, and God just might call me to surrender dating for a while. Am I okay with that? Well, when it comes to God, I have to be. Assuming that the Creator of the universe actually gave me life and knows how best to live it, I shouldn’t have much of a problem trusting his plans for my life, my entire life, even my love life.

But I do. I do have problems trusting him.

I have a problem when I see yet another couple is displaying way too much physical affection. I have a problem when I don’t pay attention to God’s consistent pursuit of my heart because I chalk it up to coincidence. I have a problem when I hear stories of the not-so-smart actions of girls and guys when it comes to romantic relationships.

This problem is more like a heart cry of mine, focused on the brokenness between people, especially in male/female relationships. A female friend and I talked the other night, completely broken over the hurt we have encountered in relationships with our dads, brothers, guy friends, and male spiritual leaders. There’s a lot of hurt there. I told her that I was striving with every bit of me to believe that there are strong Godly men who are spiritual leaders. Yet after struggling with the pain of broken relationships, believing that is so difficult.

That’s a problem I encounter when it comes to trusting in God. Now, the good news is that we must give God time to shape our future spouses. We wouldn’t want to begin dating them until God has shaped us, too.

And I think that’s my point.

Are we passionately in love with the God who pursues us and loves us with everything? I’ve come to realize that we cannot and should not begin a dating relationship until we are passionately in love with him. This does not mean that we never date. This does not mean that we are hopeless. This simply means that we get some things straight before we involve other person. We must be able to worship and serve God and love doing it. We must find out some things about ourselves, like what makes us tick and what gives us energy, before we try to find that in another person. We must pray and fast and embrace silence and read the Word and every other spiritual discipline. We must learn to love all our brothers and sisters. We must give and give freely of ourselves and our time and our love. And I believe we must have heartache along the way. No one is ready for a dating relationship unless they have been hurt and caused hurt in the past and have come to terms with it and moved. It’s essential.

Is your faith your own? Is your God your own? Do you love him?

I wrote a fictional (but largely based on actual events) post that was themed like a Q and A session with God. I asked God why I was still single. He asked me if I loved him. I hope and pray that we would dive deeper into him, take our pain and joys to him, and worship him fully. That’s why we’re here.

Even at twenty years old and never dated, that's still why I'm here. A woman's highest calling is the same as a man's, regardless of occupation, station, or relationship status... to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Sacrifices

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

(1 Peter 2:9)

I have never officially participated in Lent, the 40 days of fasting before Easter, but I have made spiritual decisions for my life that correspond with lent for the past two years. So far this year, God has been doing some amazingly awesome stuff, which has contributed to what I’m doing for a personal rendition of Lent.

For one, this past Thursday, God gave reconciliation to a friendship of mine. It was pretty much unexpected and surprising. I was convinced people could not change, but I was reminded that when God gets a hold of someone who is open, awesome things happen. That reconciliation was an answer to prayer and I know God is going to do great things with this friend’s life.

Friday, the next day, I went hiking and “swimming” with some awesome friends. After dinner, I went back to my room, but it was Friday, so I didn’t want to do any homework or hang out alone. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anyone to hang out with, but I began to sense that I needed and wanted to spend time with God. So, I grabbed my Bible, journal, and iPod and headed to the campus prayer room, where I turned up the worship music so loud the walls were shaking. That whole worship experience was amazing. It was almost two and a half hours of singing, Scripture reading, artsy-crafty worship, and dancing (yes, dancing can be worship, too!). It was good communion with God.

And then, out of the blue, some thoughts popped up. Not immoral thoughts, just a realization. I realized that guys who love Jesus are attractive. Not sure why it took me so long to get it... just kidding! Anyway, I was so taken aback by the suddenness of these thoughts I honestly did not know what to do with them; I immediately turned them over to God. Obviously, it’s not wrong for women to be attracted to Godly men, but this was worship time. I have come to understand that my focus should be always be on God over and above what God has created, even if it’s good.

This simple and somewhat naïve action this past Friday started an entire personal lent movement. When I went to God with the realization, he asked me make a sacrifice. He asked me to sacrifice my desire to date and get married. Almost immediately, Genesis chapter 22 (where Abraham attempts to sacrifice Isaac) came to mind and I knew that’s what God wanted me to do.

Even though I’m making this sacrifice, I believe I will still get married. Abraham knew and believed his descendents would come from Isaac, but he was still able and ready to obey God and sacrifice Isaac (see Hebrews 11:17-19). The point and meaning of this sacrifice is that I will make a conscious and intentional effort to focus on God and my relationship with Him instead of the worries, doubts, and fears that come with potentially entering the realm of dating. 

Believe me when I say that guys who obviously love Jesus are incredibly attractive to me. What a blessing from the Lord to feel that way! We are human beings after all. Yet I know God is calling me to singleness for this time. I know, because he has asked me to hold my relationship with him so close that a dating relationship cannot be in the picture yet.

Towards the end of my first semester of freshman year, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before he brought a guy into my life. I asked for those things, and slowly, God revealed them. Most of them were ministry opportunities or personal development opportunities that could be best taken as a single person. When I returned to school this January, I looked back over what I was doing and I realized none of those things were in my life anymore. Suddenly, I questioned God’s providence. Was he calling me to remain single or to date? Now, with this new revelation of sacrifice, I am convinced again of God’s purposes and providence. He has a plan for my life and he is doing great things. Awesome things.

The prayer team on my college’s campus has organized a 24/7 Bible Reading, in which students and staff of the college sign up to read from the Bible for 24 hours a day as many days as it takes to read the entire Bible, which is actually going to be less than seven days. We’ve done the same thing with prayer before. Last night, I went to listen to whomever was reading, but I ended up filling in for an hour for someone who missed their shift. I was reading Psalms and I kept breaking out in song every few chapters. It was raining, so I kept singing “And I believe You will come like the rain” from Jesus Culture, as well as any songs I thought of when I read the Psalms. It was pretty amazing. I left that hour, after reading, praying, and singing the Word, very fulfilled. I prayed for rain and for God to come like Hosea 6:3 says.

The funny thing is, we sang “You’ll Come” by Hillsong in chapel today. The chorus is about both rain and God coming to us, and I knew it was no coincidence that it lined up perfectly with what I prayed for last night. And it did rain today, it was just misty instead of drenching. I began to see that God’s pursuit of me is definitely not a coincidence, but that it is real and consistent, but more than that, it is gentle, like misty rain. I am reminded that God’s love is strong. How can something so often thought of as weak and mushy be strong? I think it’s in the same way that God’s pursuit of his bride is both furious and gentle at the same time.

My point is that in “giving up” the dating desire (and taking practical steps to reduce the temptation I encounter to worry about or lust over a potential relationship), I am making the effort to grow closer to God and to listen to him as he is pursuing me. So, yeah, in some way, this is what I’m giving up for Lent. And this semester. And this summer. And probably this entire year. And who knows how long. Because my relationship with the God of the universe matters so much than getting married and having kids. Don’t get me wrong, I desperately desire to get married and have kids one day, but that cannot be my focus. I can’t go to college to get my MRS degree, because that’s ridiculous. I must ask myself: who am I focusing on?

Maybe, if you’ve read this far, you’re wondering why I put 1 Peter 2:9 as the opening for this post. Honestly, I do not know. All I know is that within a couple hours on Monday night, I heard this verse twice from two different people in two completely different contexts. I am asking God to show me what he wants me to gather from this verse.  I know for sure that God is doing great things and, as his child, I am privileged to be a part of them. To be loved by the God of the universe so much that he calls you his holy priesthood is pretty amazing stuff. He loves you.

Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City" or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God,” for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

(Isaiah 62:4)

Growing and Serving in This Season

[This is part three of a three part series.]


“You should never get married until you are first happy being single,” she said. At the time I took her word for it, although I really didn’t believe her. Less than ten years later, she did get married and is happily married to this day.


After going through the program herself, my mom led a few sessions of the DivorceCare program at our old church. One of the topics the curriculum discussed was remarriage after the divorce was final. The program encouraged the newly single people to remain single for a long time. Remarriage too quickly was usually a sign of either infidelity during the marriage or a marriage out of loneliness instead of love and commitment.


As a single person, my mom’s words still hold true for me. I think you shouldn’t enter a dating relationship until you are happy being single. Cloud and Townsend write, “If you must be dating or married in order to be happy, you are dependent, and you will never be happy with whatever person you find.” They suggest “curing” the aloneness first, then dating. Never use dating to try to cure the feeling of loneliness. Their steps for the cure include strengthening your relationship with God, strengthening your relationships with other Christians (a “safe and healthy” group of people known as your “support system”), having a “full life,” and working to repair brokenness in your spiritual and emotional life.


In this blog post, I want to focus on the idea of a “full life,” which Cloud and Townsend describe as including “spiritual growth, personal growth, vocational growth, altruistic service, hobbies, intellectual growth, and the like.” In part one of this series of singleness, I mentioned the importance of college, career, and ministry as places to put your time and focus while you are single. At this stage in my life, for example, I can be anything. I have so many opportunities, so many chances to take risks and explore and try out new things that I really wouldn’t have if I was married and settling down. College, especially, is like that. Here’s a time when you are almost on your own, where you can do so much. Think of this time in your life as an open horizon or blank page. It’s why I made my 30 before 30 list. It’s why I’m going to China this summer. It’s why I can stay up late writing blog posts (or get up early, in this case)!


Hint, hint: Living a “full life” makes you a more interesting person. It gives you things to do, so you’re not always on Facebook. It makes life worthwhile. It gives you opportunities to learn experientially and to practice what you’ve been learning. And think about it: Aren’t the people who do something with their lives a bit more attractive than those who sit around and eat potato chips?


Now, for some people, stress is something they hide behind. The more they are encouraged to do, the more they will take on, eventually overloading and harming themselves. Do not be that kind of person, but allow yourself to take risks and to try new things.


So, what are you doing with your life? A friend once asked, “If you could do anything and knew you could not fail, what would you do? And why aren’t you doing it?” I have always wanted to co-lead a small group at my college called a Barnabas Group. I will be able to apply to lead such a group towards the end of next semester and I’m really looking forward to it, although I am nervous about the application process and the actual leadership of a group of freshman. Likewise, I’m nervous about China this summer. Things have and are falling into place, so I know God’s got this, but it is still intimidating to go for something so challenging.


Yet, look at the other side, friends. After this summer (spending five weeks in Asia), and my junior year (hopefully co-leading a group of freshmen girls), what kind of person will emerge? A stronger, deeper, healthier, and more Christ-like person, that’s my prayer. I made a list a couple months ago of qualities I desired in my future husband, but also qualities that I would seek to reach as well. One such quality was the ability to attempt difficult things. Challenging things. Things like ministering overseas, but also things like becoming yourself.


I think too many of us are afraid of who really are, but like my psychology professor always says: “There must be a ‘me’ before there can be a ‘we’.”A Relevant Magazine article discusses the importance of singleness as it relates to your individuality: “Making the most of being single means being on your own. It’s just you and God. Being single is about discovering who you are, setting personal boundaries, knowing your likes and dislikes, your passions and the desires of your heart.”


Let me close with something God gave me over a year ago. My first semester of college, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before there was a guy in my life. I believe he gave me three ministry and life opportunities at that point in which to serve him through my singleness.


Recently I realized I do not have any of those three things in my life anymore. At first, I became upset and I wondered (completely selfishly) if God had somehow forgotten about me. Then I realized that either this meant God was moving me out of a stage of singleness or he was giving me new opportunities to serve him in my current season. Right now I’m going with the latter, and I’m finding hope in the fact that God doesn’t give us the next three or four steps for our lives at once. Usually, God opens one door at a time and sheds light on one stone in the pathway at once. This time, he’s giving me a trip to Asia this summer that I doubt I would take if I was in a serious relationship, among other things.


I’m also left wondering if I put a little too much emphasis on the “through me” part of God’s promise and forgot about the “in me” part. If I am not changed on the inside, molded to be more like him through the on-going process of sanctification, my outside actions are not going to look like him either. I also believe that your service, ministry, and vocation should come from what is inside you, meaning that what God wants to do in you is just as important as what he wants to do through you. Howard Thurman said, “Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”


If I’ve learned one thing recently, it’s that it is perfectly okay to need some time. It’s okay to ask God for help. It’s okay to need to spend some time working on your own heart. Let God begin to heal and restore you and stop fighting him. Ministering to others does not mean that you have to put God’s work in you on hold. Be moldable through your ministry.


Do something. Anything. Something challenging and maybe a bit risky. Something to benefit someone else. Love it and enjoy it. And grow closer and deeper in love with our amazing God. If it’s in his plans that you get married, you will, but better to do so while passionately in love with God, your friends, and your whole and full life, than desperate for someone to finally call your own.


Thanks for reading this three part blog series on singleness!
I have recently changed over to the new Blogger interface. Sorry about the huge line breaks - any help on how to change them would be appreciated. 

Learning From This Season

[This is part two of a three part series.]

During my one of two Old Testament classes in college, I studied 1 Samuel for the first time. Something I really enjoyed reading about was the movement from a theocracy to a monarchy in the nation of Israel in chapter eight.

Finally, all the elders of Israel met at Ramah to discuss the matter with Samuel. “Look,” they told him, “You are now old, and your sons are not like you. Give us a king to judge us like all the other nations have.”
Samuel was displeased with their request and went to the Lord for guidance. “Do everything they say to you,” the Lord replied, “for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don’t want me to be their king any longer. Ever since I brought them from Egypt they have continually abandoned me and followed other gods. And now they are giving you the same treatment. Do as they ask, but solemnly warn them about the way a king will reign over them.”

(1 Sam 8:4-9)

On first glance, this is a judge named Samuel being petitioned by his people to give them a king. However, after I continued to read and pay attention in class, I saw how some details from this circumstance could relate to singleness.

The idea of Israel being ruled by a king was not outrageous. Passages like Genesis 17:57, 35:11, and 49:10, among others, hint and anticipate at a “Theocratic Kingdom” in Israel’s future. Numbers 24:17 uses a synecdoche (English majors unite!) when it says that “a scepter will emerge from Israel.” I found this interesting, because the vast majority of my peers will get married. Most Christian college students do. I’ve also heard from a few friends who firmly believe they will get married, like one who told me that a lady she had met at a Christian camp came up to her one day and prayed specifically for her future husband. There is a kind of prophetic vision in both the incident with a king for Israel and a husband for my friend.

One reason not to date? Because “everyone else is doing it.” One of the two reasons given for Israel wanting a king is that “all the other nations have” one (v. 5). And let me tell you, to God, that’s not enough reason to want something. In addition, the people wanted a king who would fight for them in battles, although we know that God fought for them. Sometimes we need to realize that God can and is already filling the void we may think is empty without a significant other. God desires that we trust him and rely on him above and beyond the things we think we need, although we must not underestimate his power to provide.

Deuteronomy 17:14-15 says, “You are about to enter the land the Lord your God is giving you. When you take it over and settle there, you may think, ‘We should select a king to rule over us like the other nations around us.’ If this happens, be sure to select as king the man the Lord your God chooses…” The Israelites did just that. God made provision for his people to have a king. Depending on your views on free will, God caused or allowed Israel to desire a kingship and gave them the resources to go about getting one. That issue of desire is significant. I believe that God provides us with what we desire, but that he also creates in us the desire for certain things (Psalm 37:4). And I would say that the desire to date and get married is probably a desire God has given most of us, a desire God has placed in our hearts. All of that to say that desires are not wrong. (Yes, there are people called to singleness, but I believe God makes that clear to them.)

However, after reading verses seven and eight from 1 Samuel chapter 8, it seems as if it was wrong for the Israelites to desire a king. Those two verses are God telling Samuel to go ahead and give the Israelites a king, even though they are rejecting God and have abandoned him to follow other gods. Yet God still tells Samuel, even after Samuel questions God once more, to give the people what they are asking for. Is this hesitation on God’s part? I don’t think so. Yes, the Israelites were not doing a very good job at loving and worshipping their Redeemer and Rescuer, the Almighty God who led them out of Egypt. They went after other things in an attempt to be filled. But notice that God did provide a king for his people, a king he had chosen. I think this was God acting like the father he is. Matthew 7:11 says, “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.” God was aware that his children desired someone else to fill the “king” void that he was currently fulfilling for them, but I believe he wanted to give them a king.

Having a king did not make everything perfect for the Israelites. Getting married does not fix our problems, either. But the people of Israel chose a king God had ordained for them. We know that this king, Saul, was indwelled by the Holy Spirit (1 Sam 10:6) and that when David became king after Saul, the Holy Spirit indwelled him (1 Sam 16:12-14). Therefore, I believe it was God’s will that Israel have a king, even though they still had problems and issues. God had Samuel warn Israel about having a king and the difficulties that would arise out of a monarchy, and we should definitely consider the cost before dating and marrying. One thing this has taught me, though, is that while I should strive for wholeness, I don't have to be perfect to begin a relationship.

The difficult part comes in 1 Samuel 15:10, where it says that God was “sorry” he had made Saul king. The notes my professor gave us for the class state that “The people’s desire for a king was a mistake” and while I would hate to disagree with a PhD. (he’s a really nice guy, too), I have a hard time believing that desires can be “mistakes.” Desires can be sinful and acting on a sinful desire is wrong, but since God had made the provision for their future desire for a king and had not condemned the desire before (Deut 17:14), I would say that there was nothing wrong with this desire. In fact, the not-so-happy ending of Saul’s reign only made David’s reign something to look forward to and to enjoy that much more. Despite David’s sins, his rule was much more successful. Do not take this to mean that if you don’t like your spouse, you can get a divorce and marry another one (there are certainly Biblical grounds for divorce, although dislike is not one of them). Take it to mean that most people don’t marry the first person they date. And that's okay. My grandmother once told me I was practically required to date more than one guy. Since she only dated my grandpa, she was not as impressed and aware of his good qualities as she would have been if she had dated other guys who did not share those good qualities. She has a point, and it reminds me of something a friend once told me. After a difficult circumstance, she said, "Alex, God is just preparing you to be ready for the best."

The point of this post was to share what I learned about singleness from the story of the nation of Israel’s move from a theocracy to a monarchy: God's already got it figured out, "everyone else is doing it" is a bad reason, desires are not wrong, God is our father who gives us good things, marriage does not fix our problems (God wants to heal us), and don't settle for "okay," use it to be ready for the best. Strange that Israel's history would have comments on modern day singleness, huh?

Navigating This Season

[This is part one of a three part series.]

Maybe I’m just a biased, almost 20 year old college student, but none of these books or articles or websites or speakers on Christian singleness are really helping.

Last week, I found myself in the back of the library, sitting on a stepstool in the corner beside the “Devotional” section, hunched up and holding the book carefully so no who descended the stairs and rounded the corner could see the title. I held my breath whenever someone walked through the doorway to the stairs, hoping it wasn’t someone I knew. I spent an hour on that little stepstool (after I got my studying done, of course), reading books on chastity and singleness. It hasn’t been the easiest season of singleness recently, and I needed some kind of help that knew what it was talking about but wouldn’t judge and had time for me at 10:30 on a Sunday night. Enter the Christian experts shelved in my college’s library.

For the most part, I appreciated the comments. I found a good book by Lauren Winner, which I didn’t have time to read in its entirety. However, most of the books I located were published in the early 90’s (which isn’t surprising for my small college’s library), but I have a feeling things may have changed just a bit in the last 20 years.

Coming home for Christmas break, I found my huge collection of books I’ve loved, as well as those I just haven’t had time to read yet. In the want-to-read-but-haven’t-yet pile, I found many books, including the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (Harris) and “I Gave Dating a Chance” (Clark) dichotomy, as well as “Boundaries in Dating” and “Lady in Waiting,” not to mention my “Wild at Heart” and “Captivating” bookshelf back at school. So, why do I have all these books? Because the books from high school (like “Dateable”) aren’t cutting it for the college student I have become. Because if I’m honest with myself, marriage is no longer foreign and far away. Suddenly I find myself almost twenty and searching for a few answers.

Let me clue you in. This is what I’m looking at right now:

1. Being single, I can devote more of my time to ministry than to a boyfriend/husband/family (1 Corinthians 7:34)
2. This season of life can be used to plan for the next. There should be an enjoyment of this season with anticipation for the next season, but not a focus on it (Ecclesiastes 3).
3. The desire for dating and marriage is not inherently wrong, and I would do well to find a place to put it (more on that later) instead of stuffing it (Psalm 37:4, Song of Solomon).

That is what I believe. Yet, I find that many of the resources available and/or prized highly for Christian singles are not saying what we need to hear. Many of the Christian sources I found told me I just needed to be a stronger Christian or I needed to have more purity, and I would be okay until marriage. I heard the ever elusive “Don’t awaken love before its time” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4), but "love" has already been awake for a while. Let me give you another example: I gave away my copies of “Passion and Purity” and “When God Writes Your Love Story” because I was so upset at their messages. I got the impression that I should just sit here and wait for God to hang a flashing neon sign above the head of the guy I should marry. While that’s probably not what the authors were intending, that’s the message I got.

Elisabeth Elliot (author of Passion and Purity) praised the womanly virtue of patience, which seemed to me more like sitting here waiting for the guy God told we’re going get married finally come around to asking me. She admits in the book that her future husband (the first of three) even began “talking” to some girls at the college he attended while they were physically separated before their courtship began. I may be female, but I am not called to sit here in silence while he makes all the moves.

Note: I am not asserting any feminist tendencies here. This issue here is not about submission as a wife, but rather the concept that relationships take two people, not just a pursuing guy. Anyway, learning to submit to God, who loves me enough to die for me, has taught me some lessons that will be valuable in the future.

In the meantime, however, let me propose some places to “put” the desire for dating and marriage that I really feel neither our worldly culture nor our Christian culture has, for the most part, provided. I believe these places are healthy outlets and safe places for the Christian single.

• Friendships. Having healthy and positive relationships with both guys and girls has made singleness a good thing for me. We will need our friends before, during, and after dating relationships. And until that boyfriend becomes a fiancé, your girl friends come first any day. I would add that we need friends of both genders who are both single and taken, and we desperately need same-gender single friends to hold us accountable and provide support and encouragement (Ecclesiastes 4:12, Proverbs 27:17).

• College, Career, and Ministry. If one more person mentions going to college to her get MRS degree, I’m going to get really angry. Yes, it would be great to marry a guy who will graduate from such an awesome college as mine, but I have a life apart from marriage. I have a job I’m excited about and a future career into which I desire to invest. I have obligations here at college that I long to fulfill. Life is not about getting married and having kids, and although I desire that, I will not make it my aim. In addition, there are multiple ministry opportunities, places of service, jobs, and callings that are only available to single people, and we can minister in those capacities in our seasons of singleness (1 Corinthians 7:34).

• Preparation. I know I bashed many Christian singles books, but there are also some good ones. I would recommend “Boundaries in Dating” by Townsend and Cloud. In addition, people are usually better than books any day, so I would encourage you to go to other Christians, those who are single, dating, and married, and ask for advice and encouragement. A pastor once said that if you don’t start thinking and planning for marriage when you’re eighteen, it will probably be too late to start by the time you’re twenty-five. (Proverbs 16:9)

• God. “I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20). Have we forgotten how much God loves us? He is wooing us like a patient lover. Before you get all up in arms about singleness, return to God. Let him love you. Now, loving God does not always mean that your longing for a guy or girl will be eliminated. I believe that if God has not called you to singleness, you will still yearn to get married. But God provides fulfillment until he opens the door for marriage. Like a good father, he wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but he wants us to first be satisfied in him. (Psalm 37:4, Luke 11:13, 1 Samuel 8:4-9)

Finally, know that we were never meant to be alone and that the desires within you to date and get married are not wrong. They will never be wrong unless they take the place of God in your heart. Also know that loneliness is a possibility. I’ve felt so lonely at periods when I was surrounded by people. It takes a close Christian community and a growing relationship in Christ to combat loneliness. But never let loneliness force you into a relationship. Go into a relationship when there is a measure of wholeness, not out of your own brokenness.

Trust that God guides us on the best path (Psalm 32:8). After all of this, I still believe that God has a guy picked out for me, and me for him. And I believe that God knows what he’s doing when he works out circumstances and relationships the way he does.

After writing this entire post and going back over it multiple times over several days, one line from my devotional reading this morning really stuck out. It was about love being the true fellowship of two souls. I spent a while reading through 1 Corinthians 13 and I was convicted about the terrible job I’ve been doing at love. It’s easy to end a conversation with a friend with: “Bye, I love you!” But do I really love them?

I once heard a friend say that he felt like he had so much work to do on his heart and in his life before he could get married, because he didn’t think he was mature enough or Christ-like enough to love his wife and treat her right. When I heard that, I laughed, because I know we’ll never be “good enough” for anything, if that is our goal. But it started to make sense to me when I looked at what I could be doing so much better. Maybe God knows what he’s doing when he requires us to wait a seemingly long time for a romantic relationship. In our deep struggles connected with the opposite gender/love/families, there are issues we must work through on our own and there are issues we work through with our spouses. Maybe God’s “holding off” because I’m still working on me. Because He’s still working on me.

And that’s okay. In fact, it’s awesome. I still fall short, but God is in the process of restoring me. When his timing is right, a guy and I will end up running the race together and being perfected by God together. Jeramy Clark writes, “You’re running on your own, then one day you notice someone running next to you at the same pace and in the same direction. You can run together without hindrance because your course is the same."

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6 (NASB)

P.S. I welcome any suggestions for books and articles on this or any other subject.

The Lord, My Husband

Hosea 2:14-16 and 19, speaking of God restoring the unfaithful nation of Israel:

'But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes,' says the Lord, 'you will call me "my husband" instead of "my master." .... I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.'

Can you say beautiful? Sinful, rebellious, unfaithful Israel, restored to her king and lover. And represented by Hosea marrying, and then returning to rescue multiple times, his adulterous wife. It's amazing.

I've been thinking recently about God as my lover or husband. It's kindof a strange idea, especially after so many Sunday School lessons where Jesus was presented as a best friend or Father-figure. When I moved up to high school ministry, the same presentation was applied. There was little mention, as far as I can remember, of Jesus being a lover. (Some of my pastors strayed away from Song of Solomon, too, if you get my gist.)

But God definitely is a lover. You can't read Hosea without seeing that. Last month, I wrote a post referencing a verse from Exodus in which Moses tells the Israelites that God is jealous for a relationship with them, his chosen people. In a later post, I reflected on God being jealous for a relationship with me. And you.

There's such a distinct connection between God's love and human love. Granted, God's love is always unconditional even when human love is not, but one helps to explain the other. An older friend once told me that she began to understand God's love for her more clearly as she experienced the love her husband had for her. It makes sense. Another friend explained relationships by saying that God gives us friendships and romantic relationships to illustrate and help us understand the relationship God wants to have with us. Since we can see and physically touch other people, our responses to them are typically more "natural" (although maybe that's the wrong word) than with God, whom we cannot see or touch. There is a physical metaphor to almost every spiritual occurrence (e.g. run the good race, warfare, discipline, etc) - and human relationships are a metaphor for our relationship with God.

Oddly enough, diving deeper into a connection like this with God has got me desiring a dating relationship. It seems strange that this enlightenment about God's love would reawaken my longing for love, but only until I realize that God created love. It's normal. It's good. How can the God of the universe who sent his only Son to die for me not inspire love? How can I respond to him in any other way but love, when I realize that while I was yet a sinner, steeped in filth, he loved me first and he rescued me simply because he wanted to, simply because he considered me valuable?

And that makes me desire something deep and beautiful: a dating relationship with a guy that is, of course, fun and affectionate, but is also genuine. Real and compassionate. Supportive, poetic, and ridiculously adventurous. Where God is so central and so overwhelming to the relationship that people watching us just can't help but feel Him. Where we are our own persons, but we become something stronger together. A relationship in which physical boundaries are tightly drawn. A relationship where I can stop trying, controlling, and wanting to manipulate, and just enjoy. A place where vulnerability is necessary and trust is required. Something with possibilities. Something that leads to marriage. I mean, dating that doesn't have the possibility of heading toward marriage is a bit pointless, don't you think?

Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Maybe that sort of thing doesn't happen anymore. Maybe it's just for movies. I looked up synonyms for "romantic," and alongside words like affectionate, amorous, and aphrodisiac, I saw impractical, unrealistic, unusual, and Utopian. But something in me, something deeply embedded in my soul, tells me that the love I desire is not impossible. It's confirmed by the beautiful heart of my Savior.

So, I'm waiting. But (cue John Waller), while I'm waiting, I'm not complaining. Okay, I'm not trying to complain... Haha. But it's not so much waiting as it is letting God have his way with me. What is God doing in me? Well, for one, he's showing me how faithful he is. He has been doing that since Easter, and I love watching him work as he reveals faithfulness after faithfulness. Another thing God is doing is showing me his love. He's pouring out love, through friends and experiences and moments like two nights ago when I just spent a while in surrender and worship and prayer. And I have realized that God is not finished yet. Every time I think he is, he draws me through another challenge just to convince that there's more I have yet to learn! And I'm learning what it means to get excited about those things God is about. I'm learning to listen to his heart and see people the way he sees them. And I have the freedom to do what he's asking without hesitation - I'm not tied to any guy... which is both a humbling and freeing thought.

The Lord is my husband, my Savior, my lover. I'm excited about knowing and loving him as such, even though I have no idea how to do it. But I am learning, ever so slowly. And God is working. I am overwhelmed only by His love.

Growing Up and Falling in Love

This past week was so much fun and such a time of challenge for me. When I applied and interviewed to become one of the counselors at a summer camp held at my college, I didn't think I would make it. The position was for one week in July and on a completely volunteer basis, but I anticipated many of my fellow college students jumping on the chance to serve. I decided to sign up anyway, because something simply encouraged me onward.

I was met with a small group of friends who were also applying to serve and just enough positions for me to become a member of the team. I was surprised. What can I offer? Why did God choose me to spend a week with misfit teenagers and their youth pastors? I have never been a counselor or RA or youth leader before. I attended a few summer camps in elementary and middle school and I went on a mission trip to John's Island, SC every summer during high school. But, honestly, what advantage do I have?

God does not call the equipped. He equips the called.

Well, obviously. That one kindof hit me over the head. God wanted to do something this past week and he wanted to use me. It's that simple. I didn't have anything special, other than a willingness to be used by God. That's all it takes.

I believe that God wants to use us when we have little to nothing to offer, and that's cool because it shows us that God is working and we are just letting him work. It shows us that awesome stuff is not happening because of us, but because of God, and this gives us more reason to praise him. However, and this is cool to me, God isn't finished with us yet. Philippians 1:6 says,

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

You may have heard Mandisa's new song, Stronger, which encourages us to keep going because the pain we face is only making us stronger. She sings, "'Cause if [God] started this work in your life, He will be faithful to complete it, if only you believe it."

Yes, God wants to use us when we are broken and nothing and lacking and empty, but he also wants to grow us. He is the business of fixing broken hearts and renewing lives and growing us spiritually and emotionally. He is going to finish the good work he began in us by using us in places we think we could never be used and by asking us to minister and serve to people we never thought we would be able to serve. And through these opportunities, he teaches us lessons and rescues our hearts and restores us.

That's what happened this week. I was a little bit apprehensive, I guess, since I really did not know what to expect. But overall, I was not nervous. I was ready to meet the teenagers I would spend a week with, because I wanted to minister to them. But I ended up being ministered to much more. Not only was worship amazing and the messages fantastic, but I was surrounded by an awesome group of friends who were happy to see me every morning. They made my day more than once. In fact, one night, while patrolling the campus during Capture the Flag, I had an amazingly awesome talk with a friend of mine named Nancy. I had been struggling with some really stupid thoughts and emotions, like jealousy, envy, and guilt, and Nancy really set me straight that night. She reminded me to be content, and to question why I'm satisfied with not finding my contentment in God. In God's Word Translation, 1 Timothy 6:6-7 says,

A godly life brings huge profits to people who are content with what they have. We didn’t bring anything into the world, and we can’t take anything out of it.

Am I living for Christ, imitating him in everything I do? Because that is contentment. And once again, I ponder what it means to be satisfied in God.

Through that conversation with Nancy and other wonderful conversations and interactions with other good friends, like Jessie and Kyle and Erin, I began to see once again God's love for me. God's relentless pursuit of me. It finally clicked yesterday morning as I was finishing the book of Exodus and slugging through commandment after commandment. I was getting tired when I found this verse, tucked away beside something about the Ark of the Covenant....

You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.

It's Exodus 34:14. And I can't help but be amazed by it. God is jealous. God is jealous for attention and adoration. And also: God is jealous about his relationship with me. (Me!) It could also be worded: God is jealous for a relationship with me. I think I've realized that growing up is a lifelong process. You don't just wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm all grown up now." No, we are constantly learning new things and developing into new people. And part of my growing up is that affirmation that God is not only my friend, my father, my comforter, and my Savior, but that he is my lover. He is jealous for our relationship.

If I can have a regret from this week, it's that I didn't reach out more. With God's love bubbling in me, I wish I could have stayed up until 3 in the morning with the girls on my hall. I wish I had sat with different people a bit more during meals. I could have gone a little farther, opened up a little more, when talking with kids about Jesus. I could have instigated those conversations about God, instead of waiting for them to happen. And yet, the good news is that there is more time. God is still working. Great things happened and great things are still to happen. God knows what he's doing and he is bringing everything about in his timing and within his plans.

Finally, I want you to know that God loves you. And when we're little kids, it's fine to say that God's our friend or Dad and he is looking out for us. But as I'm growing up, I'm seeing that God loves me like a faithful husband loves his wife (see Hosea 2:20). It's that real and practical and obvious and even emotional. I want to close with a quote from a book I have yet to read, but I have heard many good things about.

The following quote describes what a romantic relationship should look like from a Christian perspective. See, one of the things that bothered me this past week was that I was the only female counselor who was not dating, taken, or otherwise pursuing a relationship. It drove me crazy for a while. (Have you ever asked, "What is wrong with me?") I will be the first to tell younger girls that they don't need a boyfriend or to encourage a friend who is struggling with her singleness, but I tend to secretly struggle very deeply with my singleness. To be honest, I hate this struggle with a passion. I hate the fear I encounter when I feel alone. I hate the guilty feeling I get when I am uncomfortable with being single. I hate the doubting and questioning that seems to overwhelm me. And broaching this subject is a scary place, because I feel weak when I talk about it. But know this, my heart, know this, my friend, God loves you. He is jealous for a relationship with you. He yearns to be desired by you. Does that make the desire to date go away? Probably not. But for me, it makes the fear subside and the guilt diminish. It makes my heart stop hiding. It makes my eyes see God in more places and my ears a little more attuned to his voice. It makes my soul cease questioning, if only for a few moments of sunshine. It makes me realize what I'm looking for in a guy and keep my emotions from swaying me too far. And, in the end, it allows me to fall in love with Jesus. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true. Okay, here's the quote...

One day she will be running in her lane, relentlessly in pursuit of Jesus, looking ahead and not around, when all of a sudden she will hear him approaching. If he is the one, she will not have to stop running or change her pace, and she won't have to look behind her, because before she knows it, he will be running alongside her. He will grab her hand and they will finish the good race together.

Excerpted from A Man Worth Waiting For, by Jackie Kendall

All of this to say... I realized this week that I'm growing up and falling in love. And its beautiful.

Q and A with God

Me: God, why am I still single?

God: Because you don't love me.

Me: What?! That's ridiculous. Of course I love you.

God: You philos me, but you do not agape me. You read a chapter of my Word in the morning, if you have time, you send up some little one sentence prayers if you remember someone who needs something, you tend to enjoy church more for the people and less for meeting with me, and you don't desire me.

Child, I long for you to be intimate with me, to want me, and to want to want me. You aren't passionately in love with your Creator, child. You find me burdensome often. Yeah, there are those moments where you rejoice in my presence. When things have been hard, and I bring you to the other side, you are amazed at my power as if you had never seen it before. My child, that is great, but I long for you to experience that all the time.

Child, when you see the sunrise or sunset, or the way the moon peaks out from behind the clouds, or hear a child laughing, or experience true love, child, revel in it. Don't say, "oh that's cool" and stuff that feeling that you are tiny compared to my greatness and giant plan for the world. This meta-narrative didn't have to include you, but it does. And everything is written in my book before it comes to pass. Everything.

Including where and with whom you would fall in love and get married and all of those wonderful things. But, daughter, listen to me. If you don't desire me and long for me above everything else in this world in you live in, you will take the first guy you can get your hands on and place him above me in your life. So, by keeping you single right now, I am protecting you. If only you realized that I doing this for your good!

And, my daughter, until you desire me with every fiber of your being before everything else, you will not have any healthy dating relationship. If you could take him or leave him for my sake, you are making great strides. Realize that that text message can wait, that Facebook notification isn't important. Come spend time with me. Come be in my presence; come lay back against me and breathe.