He Keeps Track of Sorrows... and Gives JOY

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Even Christians are not happy all the time. First of all, that's just weird. Second, we are called to live honest and real lives versus fake lifestyles, even if they're not very happy. Recently, things have just been getting me down. Things like a confusing conversation at work, an apparently peaceful confrontation, an untimely invitation, or an inside joke that doesn't include me.

Now, the reality is that things change. Each new August, roommates get switched, dorms and terraces and floors and halls house new people, and relationships like suitemates and across-the-hall-mates and wallmates change. Relationships deepen and wane. Hearts are broken and mended. Family situations, life experiences, and goals for the future become more distinct and defined. Obviously, it's no one's fault that things change. In fact, it's great! Seeing a good guy friend develop some amazing strength and self-control I never though he would have is really inspiring. Watching as good friends ask questions about their futures, questions like "Am I in the right major?" or "What does God want me to do when I graduate? Or this summer?" is awesome. We are becoming the people we are going to be. And that is amazing. That is God working. Four years from now, we are going to be doing totally different things. We are going to pursuing the active futures God has for us. College is like a crock pot - you've got so many different obligations, responsibilities, experiences, choices, and opportunities in these few short 4 or 5 years, but out of that comes an awesome dinner... er, person. You get the gist.

The point I'm making is that despite my knowledge that change is okay, even good, it still makes me feel weird. Knowing that continuing relationships with the people I loved dearly last year (and still do) is going to be difficult doesn't make it easier to reconnect and love on them. Knowing that I have a new boss and a new RD are going to shake things up does not calm my nerves when things are randomly shaken. Knowing that the new friendships I'm forming deserve energy and time does not make more energy in my body and time in my day. Knowing that I am surrounded by people (and an amazing God) who love me usually does not make me feel more loved.

See, feelings are very tricky things. We should pay attention to them and listen to how we feel emotionally, because it may tie in to how our bodies are feeling physically, or even how we are subconsciously dealing with stress or pain. We should allow ourselves to feel emotions instead of stuffing them.

But feelings are not always reliable. For example, we can feel that God is far away or that people do not care about us or that we are being left out - but that doesn't make it true. Something to remember is that God is always true regardless of how we feel about him. Scripture is always reliable even when we don't "get it" emotionally.

Despite feeling down recently, I don't have to take that as God leaving me or ignoring me. God is always faithful! He doesn't leave, even if I'm not feeling him. And the cool thing is that he understands our pain and hurt and cares about it. Psalm 56:8 says,

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

Finally, know that while Christians are not called to happiness, we are called to joy. And since joy is not dependent on circumstances, we can be joyful even when we feel like crap. Joy is a fruit of the spirit, which means that we cannot control or create it in our lives. It has to be done by the Holy Spirit.

I'm going to ask you to do what I have to do: to ask God for joy. To stop letting little things get in the way of the big picture. To reevaluate and change some things. For me, this means holding fast to God and appreciating the people he's given me without becoming overly dependent on them. This means accepting that things are going to happen and life is going to change and knowing that God is still the same. This means understanding God's reliability and consistency and learning to bask in that. Ask and seek for joy today.

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

- Psalm 28:7

"Why Are You Nice?"

This past Wednesday, a friend and I were pushing swings, catching kids at the bottom of the slide, and carrying on conversations with little ones before children's church started. I found myself at the top of the slide with a little girl behind me. As I picked her up so she could slide down on my lap, an eight year old boy behind us asked, "Why are the college kids always so nice?"

My heart broke for him. I wanted to sit him down and look into those green eyes of his and tell him how Jesus saved me. I wanted to pour out my joy upon this little kid, investing God's love into him. I wanted to captivate his attention with the story of how I came to know Christ and how Christ is changing me. I wanted to be a vessel through which God could shine down his love upon this child.

It was time to go inside for church. So I simply smiled at this eight year boy and told him we'd talk later. How I long for an opportunity to do just that!

Because I believe that question was his way of sending a little questioning probe into Christianity, into the possibility of a relationship with Christ. It's the same as an adult asking her Christian colleague, "Why are you so peaceful despite all the work you have to do?" Or the guy knee-deep in partying asking his Christian roommate, "Why don't you come party with us?" Or the grandma in the airplane beside a young missionary asking, "Where do you get this strength to go on long-term mission trips?" I believe that little boy was asking where we got our joy and where we tapped into the love we often unknowingly pour upon those kids.

I missed the opportunity to share with him this past week, but I'm counting on it again. God is opening doors to share his heart with broken people... Even eight year old boys.

There is hope, there is hope, there is hope
But everyone who’s lost will be coming home
And everything that hurts will be whole again
And love will be the last thing standing

"Love Wins," Robbie Seay Band

Be Careful What You Pray For

The weather's changing, which always makes me start feeling a little more. Sometimes it's feeling empty and alone, sometimes refreshed and in love with God.

College is awesome as always, although I'm constantly comparing each semester. Last year, especially last semester, I was so busy and stressed that I really had to trust God. I depended on God for so much - every minute I needed to study, every quarter I needed for laundry, every hour I needed for work, every friendship I needed for community. It was intense, because sometimes I wasn't sure of hardly anything.

In addition, the majority of the stress was my own fault. No one needs three leadership positions, a student ministry, 15 hours of work, and 5 classes. Looking back, I see now how a lot of that was an attempt to stifle what I was actually trying to work towards. I've written it about before, but one of the ways that women try to cope with emotional wounds is by becoming driven, dominating, and busy. She hides behind everything she has to do. While I was saying I was striving for dedicated, deep friendships and an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, I was painfully running away from those by having too much to do all the time.

Which brings me to my next point. When I was as busy as I was last semester, I rarely stayed very late after my Thursday night ministry (a small group for my fellow college kids). I just didn't have the time, and I was exhausted from all the late nights I had already pulled that week.

But this past week, as this ministry resumed this semester, the leadership team bathed each other and the night in prayer shortly before we started. The four of us went around in a circle praying for God to reveal himself, for great things to happen, for people to come to a deeper relationship with God. It was great. When it was my turn, I prayed this amazingly dangerous prayer... I asked God to "wreck our schedules."

If you don't know me very well, I am a schedule freak. Literally, I have my calendar on my phone. I have my weekly schedule (a color-coordinated Excel Document) taped to the side of my desk. I have a sticky note on my desk that I replace every week with that week's homework assignments. I started wearing a watch last summer, and checking it has been both a life-saver and an annoying habit. So, for me to pray for God to "wreck our schedules" was a really big deal.

In fact, God answered that prayer. Our worship leaders ended up substituting a couple songs on the set list, cutting out a song I love. There was a shift in our notes, and my co-leader and I ended up jumping ahead, then having to come back around to the points we missed. For closing worship, one of our worship leaders lead us outside to sit and lay in the grass as we worshiped. God answered that prayer! Tangibly!

...And I was so angry.

I honestly do not know why. I've been asking for God to do something. I've been asking for answers to prayer and trying to look for them. So when God did something that I could actually see, I don't know why, but I became upset. Angry. Disoriented. I couldn't name the feeling.

After our ministry was over and everyone left, I sat on the edge of the stage beside my co-leader and two other friends, surrounded by their compassion, as they held my hands or touched my shoulders. And I prayed. Real, honest prayer. Half the time, I forgot they were there. I prayed that I would learn to trust. I prayed for each aspect of life that I wasn't trusting God with: church, homework, friendships, singleness, etc. I asked for forgiveness for being upset with what God was doing. We sang a couple songs together. Later that night, recounting the story to my current and former roommates, I cried.

God, I'm so messed up. Why do you love me?

Because I choose to.

The title of this post is kind of a joke, because we should be praying with abandon, praising and confessing to God, not simply repeating a laundry list of requests. So chill out. Stop running. During first semester, God kept telling me, "Alex, stop and let me love you." When we have some time to stop and breathe Him in, we'll actually hear what God is saying. And what a beautiful time to listen to Him than early autumn.

At The Well

Last night I had the opportunity to portray the woman at the well (see John 4) for children's church. It was awesome. I took drama in high school, and I have learned that your acting does not seem real unless you are actually feeling the emotions the character should be feeling in that moment. Standing there, dressed up like Yoda and holding a painted bucket, I felt like the woman at the well.

Believe me, I felt it. Dirty. Stained. Broken. Worthless. Guilty.

I remembered the sins I have committed, the people I have hurt, the relationships I've screwed up, and the mistakes I continue to make over and over. I imagined this woman's feelings of failed relationships, knowing that I can only grasp so little of her feelings of rejection and broken promises. The woman who met Jesus at the well that day had been married five times and was living with a man she was not married to. The town shunned her, and I doubt they knew the half of it. She carried around guilt so strong she went to get water at the hottest part of the day, so she wouldn't have to see anyone gossip about her or curse her.

At the point she meets Jesus at the well, who is she most afraid of? Who has hurt her the most? The men in her life. The script I used mentioned the woman's husbands as abandoning her. Having dealt with intentional and non-intentional "abandonment," per say, I felt that feeling. I felt her lack of self-confidence with regard to men. I felt her sense of worthlessness, because she just cannot get any man to stay with her. I would assume that the man she was living with when she met Jesus was not hanging around because she was a great cook. You can use your imagination there. In short, the woman at the well was truly alone. And loneliness hurts.

But the script, and the woman's story, does not end there. Even though it took a while for the woman to trust and believe Jesus, she fell for his offering of living water. Water that, if she drank it, she would never be thirsty again. She mentioned the Messiah. It is so amazing that even though this woman had faced so much, she was still holding on to the hope of the coming Messiah. I can imagine Jesus's smile as he explained gently to her, "I AM the Messiah, the Christ." Jesus revealed himself so openly to this woman, so gently. He told her about her sins and he was not ashamed of discussing her past mistakes with her, many of which no one but the woman herself knew.

You know what's amazing? Jesus actively pursued a conversation with this woman who was shunned and avoided by men just like Jesus. He cared about her. He wanted her to see the truth about himself, about his purpose to rescue broken people and bring them to fullness and wholeness in him. The monologue ended with these lines:

He knew me inside and out but still welcomed me into a friendship with Him! Finally! Someone who loved me as I was but loved me too much to leave me there!

It is true when they say that He who is forgiven much, loves much (see Luke 7:47). This woman at the well, so utterly forgiven of everything that separated her from the community, ran into town and announced to everyone that the Messiah was standing by the well. The Messiah who knew everything about her! Look how this changed not only the woman's life, but also the lives of the people in her town...

Many Samaritans from the village believed in Jesus because the woman had said, "He told me everything I ever did!" When they came out to see him, they begged him to stay in their village. So he stayed for two days, long enough for many more to hear his message and believe. Then they said to the woman, "Now we believe, not just because of what you told us, but because we have heard him ourselves. Now we know that he is indeed the Savior of the world."

(John 4:39-41)

God used this woman's past to do amazing things in not only her life, but the lives of the people in her town who came to know Jesus personally through her testimony. What a beautiful redemption God provided for this woman at the well.

And at the end of the skit, I felt her feelings again, the same way I had at the beginning. Feelings of joy, weightlessness, purpose, redemption, holiness, forgiveness, and worthiness. My God can change a leper's spots and melt a heart of stone and forgive the most avoided woman in a Samaritan town... And he can redeem me. He can forgive me. By all means, let him forgive you. Let him show you his power and redemption in your life. Let him restore your heart. And like the woman, don't give up hope that he is coming, that he is going to break through your darkest hours. Switchfoot sings: I've been keeping my hope unbroken. Is your hope unbroken?

If you don't get anything else from this entire post, get this:

About a week ago, I heard several stories of growth and challenge and inspiring experiences from some friends. I felt like my story was weak and insignificant compared to their stories. Frustrated and humbled, I came to God and asked, "Why don't you do anything awesome like that in my life?" The answer I got was simply: "You don't let me." Ouch.

While I do believe that God has a plan and is working everything out for our good, I also think that God is not going to make us do anything. He invented free will. For me, I realized last night that this woman at the well desired deep in her heart to see freedom from the chains of guilt. Jesus did not force her to accept his love, but she was ready to do so and made the choice.

It's the same thing with really cool experiences in our lives. First, you have to go for it. If there is opportunity you are interested in, go for it. God will redirect you if you are not where he wants you. And second, allow God to work. Pray and be open to his guidance. Listen for his voice.

He is waiting to say to you, "I AM the Messiah. Come and follow me."