Dream

I had a dream last night.

It was about something that happened, or rather, didn't happen, in high school. The dream concerned me asking a fellow classmate for advice about this thing which was to have happened.

I woke up before the advice was given, unfortunately. But I really did want this thing to happen - it seemed to be right thing for me. Something I had prayed for, begged for, and wished for all these
years.

But the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.

Even if it was God's perfect who and what, it probably wasn't God's perfect when or where. The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.

This dream reminded me of that thing I wanted so badly. And that I'll never get it in my timing. My timing.

I think in the long run, this has taught me to recognize that 1) getting everything I want is not really what I want, 2) God has a higher purpose and plan for my life, and 3) His plan involves the entire world and the greater good of bringing more people to himself, not my whims and wishes.

I'll wait on God's timing!

Did I Miss Out?

Over the course of my adolescence, I've had crushes on many guys. Some were painful emotions which lasted for years, and some were moment-long butterflies.

I caught a glance of one of the guys I recently liked at youth group. The butterfly feelings were unmistakable - and strong. I hadn't felt them in a long time. I looked away. And I felt guilty for my fleeting look, however innocent, because I knew a friend of mine was interested in this guy.

And when my mind wandered to her feelings for this guy, my guilt turned to disappointment. All my middle school daydreams of meeting the perfect guy in high school, walking to and from classes with him, being escorted to senior prom by him... Gone.

The question I'm asking is - Did I miss out on something in High School because I didn't date? Am I missing what "everyone else" had?

I'll let you know ten years from now when I'm a happy wife and a mother!

God, Why is it so hard to...

...trust you?
Why is it so hard to just let go?
Why is it so hard to give it all to you?
Why is it so hard to place my life in your hands?

I can give you one issue. I can ask you one question. I can reveal to you one wound.
But you can't have all of me.
Why?

There are so many things coming up that I'm unsure about. Maybe it takes an unsure moment to demonstrate trust, to develop faith.
My Sunday School days taught me that faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". It's ringing in my ears because someone taught me years ago.
But, in all practicality, how can I be certain of what I cannot see? That's like saying, "I'm certain there's a little village over that hill." How can I say that? Because in Disney movies, there's always a little village on the other side of a hill? Because I want there to be a little village over there? Because someone told me there's a village - I just haven't seen it with my own eyes yet?
I'm going to go with the last one.

God, you told me you'd never leave me nor forsake me (Joshua 1:9 - another gem from Sunday School). You told me to be strong and courageous. You told me you would supply every need I have (Phillipians 4:19). You told me your grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). Do I believe You? God, my amazing, incredible, outstanding, extraordinary, Almighty God... Do I believe you?
Why not?

If the Creator of the universe promised He loved you and would never leave you, would you believe him?
Yes, outside circumstances might prompt you to doubt. It's normal to doubt. We put a lot of stock into what our parents do, and the abandonment of a parent might cause you to fret about God one day abandoning you. That's normal.
But God is not normal. He's super-normal, supernatural, and phenomenal. His word is final and absoute. 2 Samuel 22:31 says, "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." 1 Kings 8:56 tells of a specific example, "Praise be to the LORD, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses."

1 Chronicles 16:10-17 explains,

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,

O descendants of Israel his servant, O sons of Jacob, his chosen ones.

He is the LORD our God; his judgments are in all the earth.

He remembers his covenant forever, the word he commanded, for a thousand generations,

the covenant he made with Abraham, the oath he swore to Isaac.

He confirmed it to Jacob as a decree, to Israel as an everlasting covenant...

If you can't trust God, whose words are documented and verified a thousand times over, who can you trust?

Graduation

It's finally here. My high school graduation.

I'm so excited, so tired, and so ready for this. I think it hit me for a minute yesterday at lunch time. After the Class Day festivities, we had a class day luncheon for the seniors and family members. I was sitting there eating the usual Class Day luncheon food (turkey, dressing, mac and cheese...) and I asked myself, "Am I really eating Class Day food? Like, it's really me?" It was surprising. A kind of shocked realization that this is it, you know?

Tonight I will walk into the Sanctuary as a high school senior, and when I leave, I will be a graduate of Shannon Forest. I will be a college freshman!

Wow. Life just keeps moving and I'm so excited!

In Your Ocean I'm Ankle Deep

My prayer tonight...

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

(Something Beautiful, By: NeedtoBreathe)

Poetry No. 4

Once Before

I put my foot over the ledge

once before

I pulled up my bootstraps

tied my scarf tight

put on my big girl panties

once before

I put my foot over the ledge

but instead of His wings to lift me

all I felt was my body tumbling down

once before

And I can't

I just cannot

Let go of my safety net

And take that first step

Because I did

And even though it seems good, I tumbled down the cliff

once before

Fear

I felt it today.

Fear.

The fear that I wasn't good enough, that I was too shy, too young, too inexperienced, that I wasn't worth it. It consumed me. The fear that I wouldn't get a job.

And as I stripped from the confining layers of a cute outfit, the weight of fear shrouded over me.

I had an image, of myself, sitting in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar walls and unfamiliar floors, an empty, closed room, with my door closed to the world and those unfamiliar people who called themselves family. And they left for work, but I sat in that strange room, silent and alone.

And it was stupid. To think that way. But I did.

Fear.

And while it seems like I'm moving halfway across the world with no looking back, I'll only be 45 minutes from my old house. My old house. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave.

And I don't want anyone to know I don't want to go. I don't want anyone to know my

Fear.

Crying here over something wrecking my world. Wrecking my soul.

Fear.

Do I believe that you're my God / That you're all I need, That you're all I need?

("Yahweh", By: Tal and Acacia)

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea... God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day... The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

(Psalm 46:1,2,5,7,10 NIV)

Pile your troubles on God's shoulders— he'll carry your load, he'll help you out. He'll never let good people topple into ruin.

(Psalm 55:22, MSG)

It's not the places you go...

...but the people you know who make life worth it.

A girl who I know through a mutual organization, thought not personally, got married on Friday, which was also her birthday. She's my age, a high school senior. I looked at her wedding pictures, her gorgeous dress, her lovely cake, and the smiling face of her now-husband as he walked her to his car, and I wondered if I could get married my senior year of high school. I don't know this girl's situation firsthand, so I can't explain her early marriage.

After her 18th birthday in November, my grandmother married my grandfather in January 1965. She completed her last four months of high school as a married woman, living with my grandfather and his family to escape the abuse of her often drunk stepfather.

What about me? I mean, yeah, if I loved the guy and all, but really, I've got my whole life ahead of me! It really gets you thinking, though, about what would happen if things went differently. I really don't feel ready for a marriage yet. I barely know who I am, not to mention taking care of a husband and learning who he is. And, of course, with a husband comes children...!

Sometimes I'm glad I've never had a boyfriend in high school. One less thing to stress over and one more reason to wait a while before committing to anything. But there's always college! And there's plenty of time to get married in the future.
I'll wait on God's timing.

Poetry No. 3

And When I Said I Was Sorry

Okay, maybe I was overreacting a bit.
Maybe more than a bit.
But you know what,
We're good.


And when I said I was sorry,
in a whisper
in a crowd
by your side
late that night,

I meant it.


And when I said I was sorry,
to my empty car
a weekend after
my happiest time
and your forgotten moments,

I meant it.


~

Couldn't wait to get going...

...But wasn't quite ready to leave.

Don't you just love music? That quote is from the song "American Honey" by: Lady Antebellum. It tells a story of memories of a girl years ago who "innocent, pure, and sweet, like American Honey".
And on the topic of memories, today was my last official day of high school. Right now, I just want it to be over, but I know that come graduation, I will be crying. It's always depressing to leave behind the only ground you've had for 8+ years. Yet it's a joyous cause for celebration to move on in life, to grow as a person and encounter new things and make decisions for yourself.
So, yeah, I feel like I always couldn't wait to get going, but I'm still not ready to leave. Where did the time go? And why am I here? How did I end up at Shannon Forest, in this house, with this family, and these friends, and these relationships? How did I get here? How did I come this far?

Matchbox 20 sings, "Let's see how far we've come". Hebrews 13:14 says, "For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come."

Yeah, I've come this far. But why? Because I worked hard and made A's? Because I'm so awesome in everything I try? Haha, no.
Because the God who created me offered his Son to take away the penalty for my sins, so I could realize His free gift of salvation and heaven, and experience some earthly successes as well.
I'm not here because of me. I'm here because of Him.
Still, though, it's pretty awesome that I'm here at all. :)