Switchfoot on the Drive Home and “Boys”

Yesterday, I drove home a different way for the first time. I had my windows down and the radio way too loud, letting Switchfoot and this surprisingly warm February speak to my soul. It was such a blessing.

Recently, my heart’s been breaking over relationships. For one, Student Government elections tend to bring out the worst in people. I left the Open Forum early, but I heard it got a little heated towards the end. And I heard some slightly accusatory questions before I left. Why? Are we Christians when we’re going to church and feeding the homeless, but not when we’re choosing the next SGA president? I’m aware that SGA is not a “religious” organization, but we are all Christians and I think a little more should have been said for the character of the candidates. Like, who is connected to a church and serving whole-heartedly? My favorite teacher in high school once said that the best way to find out if a boy is a man is to ask him how many trenches he’s dug. Hard work usually makes for excellent character.

Speaking of which, this whole issue with “boys” and “men” intrigues me. A couple weekends ago, a good friend and I went to visit our mutual friends at a nearby college. At one point in the evening, one of our friends was talking about her developmental psychology class last semester in which the professor would not let any student refer to people of their own age group as “girls” or “boys.” The professor required students to say “women” and “men.” (This was because college students are physically, mentally, and legally adults.)

Interestingly, I’ve seen that when we’re upset with each other, we refer to each other as if we were children. Last week, in less than a two hour time frame, two friends came to me to talk about “boys” who they termed as “stupid.” I listened to their stories. And yes, the males in the circumstances made some stupid decisions. But in all honesty, it pained me to hear my female friends describe our brothers in this way. All of the guys mentioned in these conversations profess to be Christians. Yes, they may do some not-so-smart stuff, but they are not “stupid boys.” They are 19 to 20-something-year-old men who serve the same God we do.

Have you ever seen this picture on a book or T-shirt? I laughed the very first time I saw it. I mean, all girls (there I go again…) understand it because all of us have been hurt by a guy at one time or another. Or multiple times.  But today it just makes me angry.


One of my guy friends is particularly fond of the word “destroy” and he often uses it to describe the way he feels after a good philosophical argument destroys what he thought he knew. Recently, however, he also used it to explain the way a good friend of his was destroyed by his ex-girlfriend. It caught me off-guard when my friend wrote, “…you're not a guy if a girl hasn't destroyed you at some point.” I would agree that (vice versa) is true for girls as well. But anyway, my point is that girls (women) do stupid things, too. We often don’t realize it, because girls and guys do stupid things in different ways.

That’s why that picture makes me angry. Why, when we all do stupid things or do good things stupidly, do we call each other stupid? Hey, does the Golden Rule to treat others the way we want to be treated or the Christian mandate to love your neighbor go out the window when a guy hurts you?

I’m not minimizing the pain, believe me. After my dad left when I was eight, I’ve been sensitive to the pain that male-female relationships cause. And most recently, the loss of a good guy friend and the ministry we shared. It’s been months now, and I can honestly say that I’ve forgiven him. I’m moving on. I’m healing. Good friends have been pouring into me, helping me release the pain and to stop holding on to what happened. I like to use it as a shield, to keep me from getting close to guys again, and friends have been showing me how to love with boundaries, not shields, and to learn to trust again.

In no way am I saying your pain from a male-female relationship isn’t real. But the thing we must remember is that we are all broken people. What happened is not okay, but you are okay. You will be okay. God is in the process of restoring broken people. And that guy? He will be okay. Healing and moving on will come. And it will come when you two are working through it separately. Switchfoot sings an awesome and deep song about some healing and moving on.

I’m asking that we learn to love each other despite and through our shortcomings. Yes, sin hurts. Like crap. But what about forgiveness? What about love?

Let me close this post…

• Guys (men), your sisters have been hurt. A lot of us are deeply terrified of dating. Yes, it would be nice, but we are striving to pursue what God wants for us, and to work on our personal healing and goals before we begin a relationship. I speak for many of us: please just be our brothers. There will be time for pursuing girls romantically.
• Girls (women), your brothers have been hurt. A lot of them are afraid and apprehensive of dating. Yes, they would probably love to be dating, but they want to pursue God’s healing and God’s purposes for their lives before a dating relationship. I can’t speak for them, but I do know that they admire us as their sisters and we should continue to be there for them the way sisters should. Dating will come in time.

Overall, keep loving. No matter what, we are still brothers and sisters.

“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” (John 13:35)

Coming to Terms

On their new album, Switchfoot sings,

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
....
I want to thrive, not just survive...

Finding words for this post was difficult, I'm just going to be honest, and the post seems all over the place and scrambled. This week has been like an emotional roller coaster. I learned this week to let go of the things I carry around with me. It's like an unspoken rule that I always have to be upset or angry over something; I must always have a grudge on someone. I like to hold on to what happened and let it fester. Even if I've already forgiven and "moved on," bringing it up again to complain about it is somehow comforting.

The truth is that I should just get over some of those difficult things I carry around with me. Others of them, however, while I may have moved past them in one sense, are deeply embedded into who I think I am. Those usually deserve some deeper thought and prayer (maybe some evaluations, some changes, etc), but they are definitely not the end of the world. Nothing really is. God's got me no matter what, and I need to remember that.

On Monday, I had my first appointment with one of the counselors here on campus. I realized I could not deal with issues from last semester, seven years ago, twelve years ago, etc., on my own. Plenty of hurt surfaced, some related, some not, and I had to talk it out. I had to pray about it. I had to stop bugging my friends with my same, ridiculous issues again and again, and I needed someone to talk to who wasn't nineteen years old and living in a college dorm. I realized not only am I more than what has happened to me, but I'm also more than what I've done. God does forgive sin.

I feel a bit ashamed to admit that I broke down at church on Wednesday. I felt so alone. It was stupid, really. With my extremely sensitive nature, I took some sarcastic comments a little too personally and they became the straw on the camel's back of my emotions. With the help of my pastor's lovely wife and a good friend, I realized that we are all, essentially, the same. We all have crap in our lives. We all have needs and desires: psycho-social, physical, mental, emotional, relational, psychological, spiritual, and more. We all have this overwhelming emptiness, this innate yearning for something more. We all fear that we are just not good enough or we just don't quite fit. Therefore, it is wrong to complain about our issues, because, let's face it, others are hurting, too. This does not mean that our true friends do not want to hear from us. Or that its wrong to have a bad day or need some crying time or whatever. It just means that we should be living with our eyes ahead, lifted to God's grace, whether we are on the mountains or in the valleys of life. Don't get so bogged down in the things of life. Name them, learn from them, and move on.

Please be praying for my dad and stepmom. This past week, two relatives and friends of theirs passed away, both pretty suddenly. I have been praying for and seeking a way to talk with them about Jesus, and while this was definitely not expected, it does provide a prime chance to talk. Please pray for that.

But there is good news, my friends!

On Thursday, I was blessed with two generous donations for my trip to China this summer. God is so good. I cannot imagine how poor college students could have contribution so much already. Your prayers are coveted for the trip, especially for the teenagers I will be teaching, either middle or school or high school grade(s).

Also, I will be teaching (substituting) in an ESL class on Tuesday. I usually team-teach the Advanced class with a friend, but this week I am substituting alone, for the beginner's class, which is super exciting.

Finally, to end on a good note, I want to show you a blog post I wrote when I was turning 18. I asked if I was what I thought I would be, and if I wanted to be who I thought I would be. I answered both questions with a "no," because even though I had most of what I wanted (like a car, a job, extracurriculars, etc.) In a sense, I'm glad I got what I wanted. But more than that, I realized, at seventeen and 362 days, that I wish I had listened to God more during high school. I do not want that to be a regret of my college experience.

One way to avoid being regretful in college is to move on through my issues and difficulties. Getting stuck in the pitfalls is an absolutely horrible idea. This week I began taking the first steps to a continual process of moving on, and it was the people around me who helped to make it possible.

Living in Today

God is not in the failure business. In fact, I believe there are no failures where God is concerned. Even a "failure" in our eyes is simply preparation or a redirection in God's.

There is one person, however, who is interested in bringing up our failures to our faces, and we give him way too much credit in our lives. Satan, unlike God, wants us to know how insignificant we are so we will become depressed, lose confidence, belittle ourselves, and stop fighting for God's side. God wants us to know how insignificant we are to this world so we can run to him for our significance and realize his significance and power.

I'm going to let you in on a secret. When I was little, I had horrible stress- and nerve-induced stomach-aches, especially when I was going to be doing something new or something I was unsure about. They made me so nauseous I couldn't eat, and I often had to breathe deeply and hold onto something to keep from getting sick. Tonight, after I picked my brother up from a concert, I started feeling that familiar nervousness I thought I had overcome more than a year ago. I was nervous about going back to college tomorrow. The whole stomach-ache and sweaty palms business. Why? Why was I suddenly upset about something I couldn't wait to do? I would have gone back to school in June if I could. Why this sudden nervousness?

And then it hit me. Strangely, filtering in to my thoughts like sunlight filters through half-closed blinds, a memory of a time I had failed last year came rushing back. It involved a musical instrument and a couple instances when I was to demonstrate, but couldn't. I won't go into the details, but 88 keys tend to be a problem when you've only got 10 fingers. Playing music is something I do for fun, like running, and I'm not too talented at it, especially when people are watching. Without warning, other "failures," like relationships gone awry, conversations that could have been handled better, and people I could have treated differently came flashing back to mind. To be honest, it was debilitating. I mean, I was still driving, keeping the speed limit and stopping at red lights, but I felt paralyzed.

Then I saw this huge lightning bolt crack ahead of me, slightly to the left. I saw it breaking through layers of cloud and tree limbs, a purplish color, bright and forceful. And only for a moment, because as soon as it came, it left. It faded off into the distance. I stared at the direction from which it had come and waited to see it again. This next time, it was even bigger and brighter. The flashes of lightening looked like strobe lights against the night sky. It kinda hit me that there's something bigger going on here. As much as I fear my mistakes and find it hard to tear myself away from my doubts and flaws and defeats, they are not the issue. I've got to separate myself from the errors I hold on to. What purpose do they serve? And do other people really care about something that happened six months when I was a terrified freshman? Do other people really poke fun of past mistakes of mine? Do they even remember?

Hillsong sings,

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

Christ has overcome our failures. Can we not now stand? Stand to overcome them, but also stand to move on? Do not let past mistakes dictate future actions. You are your own person. And you are new in Christ. His mercies are new every morning. So why do we find it so hard to forgive ourselves and accept this mercy? Jesus died for our sins, to forgive us for our wrongs. He also died to redeem us from wrongs done to us. In addition, he died so we could know freedom. Even here. The joys of eternal life don't wait until heaven to appear.

Are you letting fears that you'll fail restrict your freedom? It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Don't get tangled up in life before Christ again. You don't have to hold on to past mistakes like long lost treasures. Name them, learn from them, and move on. And live in today.

A Call to Apologize and Forgive

Here's a song that exemplifies my call to apologize and forgive.

When we realize that God gave us everything when He didn't owe us anything and we didn't deserve anything, it makes us so much more willing to forgive others and to move on past both our mistakes and their mistakes. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

Embers and Envelopes

By: Mae

We write to apologize.
We ask to look past life as it goes by
I know you have sacrificed time, life, love, time to fly
Please consider all things trite,
forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by
I know to have something like this broken, is hard to fix

Embers, we're burning bridges down
Our envelopes stuffed with feelings found
To write this down as means to reconcile

Embers, we're burning bridges down
Our envelopes stuffed with feelings found
To write this down as means to reconcile

We write to patch things up,
maybe not to agree but to proclaim love.
Let's look ahead and then we'll see the One whose glory never ends.
And based on that we'll see,
there'll be room for change, but gradually.
I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Our envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.

If all is said and done and over,
If we don't have to, we're not gonna
Make the change, it's worth the try.
What's broken can be fixed tonight.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Our envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.

Connecting

Ironically, the week before my first official Sunday at my new house, my old church is doing a series on connecting. The tag-line is "Life doesn't work well in isolation". Touche, church, touche.
Being alone hurts, everyone knows that. Sure, it may feel good to get away from everything once in a while, but humans were not designed to be alone all the time. That's why we have friends and family and spouses and roommates and churches.
And other than hanging with my mom and my brother all day long as we move stuff to our new house and train our dog to stay inside the new invisible fence and eat dinner with my stepdad, there hasn't been a lot of connecting going on. I haven't seen one of my best friends since the day after graduation, and the other since my mom's wedding about 3 weeks ago. Another good group of friends and I last got together on Memorial Day.
I love my friends. And while I may miss them, I have a million things to do with the move and I just haven't had time to see them yet. Although, I am get-together with a good friend tomorrow, so that's okay.

But what about church? I have this summer to deal with. Eight Sundays until I go to college.
There are many churches in my new town I could visit, and I think I will. On one hand, I feel guilty for leaving my old church. The problem is that I don't want to drive 45 minutes to church every week. So maybe it's time to move on. Moving and moving on.
There's a church at the college I'm attending that I'll visit and probably attend when I go to college.
I don't want to feel upset that I'm leaving my old church and visiting new ones. I want to be able to find connections wherever I am. And I'll be praying for God to help me establish those.

Couldn't wait to get going...

...But wasn't quite ready to leave.

Don't you just love music? That quote is from the song "American Honey" by: Lady Antebellum. It tells a story of memories of a girl years ago who "innocent, pure, and sweet, like American Honey".
And on the topic of memories, today was my last official day of high school. Right now, I just want it to be over, but I know that come graduation, I will be crying. It's always depressing to leave behind the only ground you've had for 8+ years. Yet it's a joyous cause for celebration to move on in life, to grow as a person and encounter new things and make decisions for yourself.
So, yeah, I feel like I always couldn't wait to get going, but I'm still not ready to leave. Where did the time go? And why am I here? How did I end up at Shannon Forest, in this house, with this family, and these friends, and these relationships? How did I get here? How did I come this far?

Matchbox 20 sings, "Let's see how far we've come". Hebrews 13:14 says, "For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come."

Yeah, I've come this far. But why? Because I worked hard and made A's? Because I'm so awesome in everything I try? Haha, no.
Because the God who created me offered his Son to take away the penalty for my sins, so I could realize His free gift of salvation and heaven, and experience some earthly successes as well.
I'm not here because of me. I'm here because of Him.
Still, though, it's pretty awesome that I'm here at all. :)