"What is Man?" [My Thoughts on Lent]

Stuck between hours of reading, journal responses, and craft nights for Valentine's Day sits something I usually scarcely notice. My desk and the kitchen table are scattered with glittery heart stickers and pink and red hole scraps of paper. There are books everywhere.

My nights are late. When they're not, my mornings are early. And sometimes both.

This is the point of the semester when you prove yourself. It's not yet mid-terms. It's not yet pay-day. The homework level has increased to the typical norm and you must balance your time wisely so you can complete the bigger tasks that lay ahead.

I am not-so-patiently awaiting details on overseas student teaching, acceptance at a summer job, and confirmation for my future. I struggle with feeling alone, again, on Valentine's Day. I struggle with feeling tired too early in the semester. I struggle with keeping a budget when I'm on the five-meal plan. I struggle with freedom.

Today was Ash Wednesday, which marked the beginning of the Lenten season. My college has, in the past couple semesters, introduced a variety of worship styles. Our chapel service this morning was an Ash Wednesday service based on Anglican liturgy. It included Scripture reading, responsive reading, chanting, kneeling, standing, prayers aloud and silently, and the traditional ashen cross. We were given the option of coming forward during the Imposition of Ashes to receive the cross on our foreheads.

While the speaker, a professor here, spoke candidly about how we must not skip ahead to the resurrection too soon, I found myself longing for it desperately throughout the service. It is true that being raised in communities that only barely resemble liturgical churches may have colored my perception of liturgy. However, it seems to me that we can get too easily caught up in guilt and shame and sin that we neglect to act as if and believe that we are forgiven. Having lived in a mindset of legalism, guilt (real and false), and worthlessness for years, I am tired of feeling guilty for my sins any longer. Maybe that is not the appropriate response, but it is exactly how I feel. I don't want to be beaten over the head with rules that make me feel like crap. Don't God and I have a relationship?

Someone once told me that legalism is the natural course of the heart. When we realize we aren't doing it perfectly, we strive to make rules for ourselves so that we will, by our estimation. What we don't understand is that God doesn't want rules and God doesn't want sacrifices. He wants us to do what he says out of love, not out of a fear that we don't, we will be struck down from heaven.

Yet perhaps there is a time and a place for the "Ash Wednesday" phenomenon. I mean, the church calendar has been around for ages and no one really seems to have a huge problem with today's purple and black and ash crosses. Yes, my sinfulness brings me to my knees on many occasions. I guess the problem I have is with "requiring" repentance just because this is the beginning of a season.

I would just like to change the connotation of the Lenten season. Rather than a time of repentance and sad reflection, let this be a time of eager anticipation. Do not fast because it somehow reminds you of the suffering of Christ (how can it even compare?). Fast because it allows you that time to devote to knowing Christ more. And never, by any means, fast because everyone else is doing it. Fast (from anything) because God is telling you to do it.

In the scheme of things, finite man is nothing compared to infinite God. Nothing. But the fact remains that he is deeply in love with us. Why? Because he is delighted in the creation that he chose to create.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

- Psalm 8:3-5

Treasure

Maybe it's just my maternal instinct sneaking out, but I'm starting to catch a glimpse of what Luke meant when he wrote that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2:19).

I'm acting in my church's Christmas play tonight alongside two little girls, a 7-year-old and an 11-year-old. An entire slew of children and adults are acting in other scenes, as characters such as Herod, wisemen, shepherds, and angels. We have been practicing for the play twice a week since just before Thanksgiving and we have our final dress rehearsal this afternoon at 4pm.

You may think that a church Christmas play is a stressful, daunting, and frustrating task. It is. But it doesn't have to be. I have been so amazed and surprised by how the entire process can be so much more rewarding. For one, I have started to treat the girls I'm acting with as if we were equals. When I tell them they need to slow down or exit now or make sure they don't forget a word in a certain line, I also ask them if I can do anything for them. I've gotten responses like: "Can you make sure you say 'Egypt' at the end of that line, so I know my cue?" and "Can I not say this part of my line?" and my personal favorite: "Can I roll my eyes when she says that?" They are actually making their own choices and I believe they feel like I care about their choices.

Yet one thing really captured my heart. In the play, the two girls have not seen their dad in several months and their mom has recently passed away. I'm the social worker at the children's home where they are staying. At the end of the play, I've presented the gospel and the girls and I are praying. The Narrator and music fade in. When we were rehearsing, one of the girls asked me, "Do you think their dad comes back? Why is that not in the play?" I had the opportunity to discuss how finding and accepting Jesus does not make your life perfect; it simply makes you able to handle the problems of life because you can depend on God through them. The girls agreed with me and shared examples.

When we took a break from the hustle and bustle of the play and instead spent some time reflecting, we were able to relate to each other, to place a building block on our relationships, and to fix our eyes on Jesus. That moment is something I treasure. I would not trade it for anything.

---

Similarly, I'm learning some interesting things through conflict resolution with my roommate. It is not fun. At all. But it is good.

My roommate is a people-oriented, relationship-motivated extrovert. It makes me want to shoot my foot. I am an introvert who loves people, but I can only handle people in small doses. In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes: "I am that cordless screwdriver that has to charge for twenty hours to earn ten minutes use." I completely understand. I'm also task-oriented. My roommate and I figured this out: It hurts me when she doesn't wash her dishes. It hurts her when I tell her I don't want to talk about what's bothering me. Well, duh, I want to say, Wash your dishes to show me you value me. (I'm task-oriented: wash your dishes.) But then she's saying, Well, duh, talk to me to show me you value me. (She's people-oriented: the dishes can wait.) It's fairly amusing to actually talk about it and deal with it.

The beautiful moment that I will treasure is when we faced this phenomenon together. We talked about our issues no matter how much they hurt. I will treasure the moment when I realized that being a "3am friend" is probably not cut out for me, and I cried about it, and she was there with a hug. I will treasure the moment when she acted as a mediator to help our mutual friend and I experience conflict resolution together. For the first time, I'm seeing problems and disagreements actually worked out in a healthy way. And I treasure that.

---

I treasure coffee nights and dinners with my small group girls. About half the group went to coffee with my co-leader and me last night and the other half (with some overlap) are having dinner with us Monday night. I'm seeing that ministry doesn't have to fit in the confines of one hour a week in which we talk about the Bible for the entire hour. In almost all cases, "ministry" should first and foremost be relationships. I treasure the fact that last night, we didn't talk about Jesus. As crazy as that sounds, that's why I treasure it. Because suddenly, I was able to look at these girls as the beautiful individuals they are without trying to weasel some sort of spiritual thoughts out of them. I felt honest as we sipped peppermint mochas and chai lattes. I felt like we were becoming friends while we laughed about Candy Land and chocolate cake. It didn't feel like group, it felt like friendship. And I treasure that.

---

I treasure the relationships I have with my guy friends. Who would have thought that guys would make great friends? Definitely not me. While there are still challenges, as with any friendship, I am truly honored to be doing life alongside both girls and guys. I'm starting to see these people as women and men - adults of whom I'm really proud. What a blessing to walk alongside these guys as their sister!

---

I wanted to share these things with you as a reminder that although we have bad days (weeks, months, seasons...), we are still surrounded by an amazing God who provides for us each day. He blesses us with not  only the things we need for life, but also things that provide the joy in life.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

- C.S Lewis

His Love is Even Here

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. The last few weeks of the semester tend to do that to me.

Sickness messed with my sleep and work schedules, which messed with my concentration and homework time, which messed with my free time and has me confused as to which day of the week it is today. Friends needing a shoulder to cry on; other friends not wanting to talk at all; other friends flip-flopping between wanting to be friends and ignoring the threads of friendship between us.

This has all left me tired and definitely in the midst of a real-life Twilight Zone. What can break me out of this mind-trick?

• Twelve hours of sleep made me feel better physically, but not really mentally. 
• A random act of kindness filled the gap like drugs: a high I could ride that left me in a crash.
• Waiting for a summer job interview, a placement for student teaching, a reply on my resubmitted nonfiction piece... I'm always waiting.
• Running lines with two precious girls for our church Christmas play lifted my spirits but reminded me of the work to be done for the play.
• Letting go of a crush the same day I see friends comforted by their boyfriends is disheartening. Very disheartening.
• Canceling our Thursday small group provided rest for my co-leader and me, but now it doesn't feel like Thursday anymore, and I can't shake the feeling I'm failing at ministry again.
• Breakfast at 10:30am. Enough said.
• My roommate and housemate pulled an all-nighter last night and woke me up just before 7 this morning. Lovely.

Speaking of which, I wrote my roommate a raw and painfully honest letter this morning about various things in our friendship. I was so busy writing it that I was almost late to my class this morning. When I looked down at the pages I had written, my heart was broken at how angry I sounded. The passive-aggressive letter is long and full of questions and exclamations I would have to flinch to even say aloud to her. Who do I think I am, expressing those hurtful comments to someone who matters so much to me? But, what if those comments need to be spoken because of how much she matters to me?

At this point I don't know.

Religion seems meaningless right now.

Ecclesiastes ends with the Teacher telling us to fear God and obey Him, for we will be judged. He goes through twelve chapters shooting down everything in the entire universe as meaningless, and then he comes back to God. Obey Him. Those are his final words.

And even at this point, obedience seems meaningless. Unless I disconnect it from religion.

Obedience because of religion is heartless and pointless. Muslims bow in prayer five times a day. Jewish people light eight candles (with a ninth candle in the middle) for Hanukkah each year. Why? These seem to be empty traditions based on obedience to religions that seem empty themselves.

If we think of Christianity in those terms of empty religion, it is meaningless. However, if we think of obedience as an out-flowing of the love we have for our Savior and friend, it becomes a relationship.

Did you know that his love is even here? Even here in the Twilight Zone with a headache, waiting for so many things, trying to get well, sipping tea that's gone cold, wondering how I feel so alone when I'm so surrounded... His love is here. Even here.

• When I can only get out his name in a broken voice before the guilt of my sin overcomes me, He's here.
• When I can't concentrate on a single homework assignment, not to mention a chapter of my favorite book in His Word, He's here.
• When I feel like I'm failing as a small group co-leader, like my past has come back to haunt me, He's here.
• When I wrongly think that hearing his words and feeling his hug would make things right, He's here.
• When I hurt with desperation over the confusion in my friendships, He's here.
• When I have trouble even lasting a shift at work, He's here.
• When no food satisfies and most of it leaves me feeling nauseous, He's here.
• When my singleness adds to my already disillusioned outlook, He's here.
• And even when I don't want Him, He's here. Like a patient gentleman, He's waiting on me to ask Him to come in and be at home with me with nothing but jasmine tea between us.

His love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between. 

Oh, How He Loves.
Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. For the Bible tells me so.

He is the God who is here.

What I'm Listening To:

"Times" - Tenth Avenue North

"Sometimes" - David Crowder Band

Confession: I Don't Do Well With Change

Maybe I'm just going crazy. I certainly feel like it.

The last two weeks have led me to a conclusion: I don't do well with change. Sure, I can handle going halfway around the world with 100+ people I've never met before and getting thrown into a culture and language I definitely did not study enough and facing responsibilities like riding the public bus by myself and imparting not only the English language but also the love of the Father to more than 20 Asian teenagers. Oh, sure. Difficult, but I survived and loved it.

What I can't handle is coming back for my third year in this city and at this college. Granted, I love this so much. I love where I'm living, I love living here in this area of this state, I love who I'm living with. I love my classes, professors, and (even sometimes) the homework.

But this is so stinkin' hard. My confession is that I'm having a much difficult time than I anticipated. I'm definitely feeling disoriented and confused.

For one, I almost got lost in the dorm where I spent two years of my life. I went to visit, and the whole thing was crazy weird. The halls and rooms are the same, but the decorations, names on the doors, and faces are different. I forgot that one staircase goes to all three floors and the basement, while the other only goes to the upper floors. I also entered that dorm's code into the electronic lock on my new terrace-dorm's door. Twice.

Two, I walked into the library more than thirty minutes ago. I literally know less than 40% of the people in the library who have been here since I've been here. So many faces are unfamiliar and voices unknown. I kinda don't know what to do anymore.

Three, I'm still unsure as to what extracurricular activities I'm supposed to be involved in. I mean, my relationship with my church has been weird because our college Sunday school has not yet started up again and I'm not going on Wednesday night anymore. I love all of them, and I miss them.
From first semester freshman year to almost a year ago, I was involved in a group that met for fellowship and Bible study each week. When my time with that ministry drew to a close almost a year ago, I suddenly found myself feeling very empty with how I was supposed to structure my time. I had been so busy for so long that I forgot what to do with myself. I spent October to December in that weird middle state until I began teaching ESL in a neighboring town with a group from my college in January.
Well, I have rejoined that ESL group only to find that there are all new teachers (except me) and I have been paired with a guy (who's engaged) to teach a class of three adult students. The thing is, change is a little unsettling to me. Especially because none of these people taught last semester. Especially because our class sizes are really small this semester. Especially because I don't know this guy very well and I'm worried about co-teaching with him because he's doing this for credit, while I'm just volunteering. So, I'm just a bit unsure of everything.
I feel like I should be stepping up to the roles to which God has called me. Roles like ESL teaching, discipling a friend who asked for help on a class requirement for discipleship, co-leading a small group of freshmen/transfer girls, etc., but I'm having a hard time doing so.

Four, the fact of singleness has hit me hard. I think it does every August, because returning back to school and seeing all the couples get together makes me feel lonely. Maybe moreso this year, I'm seeing couples actually getting married. Couples I know. None of my super-close friends, but people I know. And that's crazy scary. It feels like people are just growing up and moving on without me.  I know God is still doing great and wonderful things in me and through me before I have a guy in my life. But I'm waiting to know what more of those are. I'm learning that it's okay to step outside of my comfort zone a bit and it's okay to get to know people better and it's okay to choose not to hide from guys. Yet, I'm in that awkward stage of not liking anyone. And, again, I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.
Also, autumn/fall, as a season, has definitely been difficult for me for the last two or three years, so there are a lot of cold-weather "backseat driver" moments. And that's been hard as well.

In fact, as I was preparing for this post, I read a previous post of mine from October 2011 in which I wrote about God asking me to be tree. On that day, God showed me that he has great things for me, but he might just "shake my leaves" and ask me to "dig my roots deep" into him in preparation for those things. I wrote that God was telling me:

Look, I am bringing about new buds. Little bursts of growth and blessing. Alex, let me love you, and I will shower lush leaves upon you. I will bring about new growth and new experiences... I long for you to trust me, to hope in me, to have faith that what I am bringing about is best, even you don't understand, even when you're hurt. Let me love you. Let me demonstrate my faithfulness. I am the Lord your God.

You know what? Eleven months later, He is still telling me that. He's still asking me to come in close to him and fall in love with him and trust him and rely on him.

I think right now He's asking me to talk with him. Because how can we claim to love a God with whom we never talk?

What I'm Listening To:

 "Erosion" and "Learning to Breathe" - Switchfoot

"Skeleton Bones" and "Dress Us Up" - John Mark McMillan

Impossible

It's become almost like a curse word to me now: the "i" word. Let me explain...

My last full day in Asia, my own shortsightedness and humanity hit me in the face. For all my group's previous large-group meetings, we had been in a fairly big room with a projector, floor to ceiling windows, and several rows of chairs. Yet for some reason, we were scheduled to gather in a much smaller room for our final meeting. My roommate and I arrived around 8 minutes early to find the room empty, save for a few scattered tables. We were very confused.

A minute later, a man arrived who would be conducting part of the meeting. He clarified who he was and that this was the room we were meeting in, and then he asked for our help to arrange the room. We began folding tables and unstacking chairs as more people arrived. Soon, there were at least ten of us arranging rows and occasionally pausing to count the chairs.

The entire time, I kept saying to myself and, even more unfortunately, to the people around me: "This is not going to work. There isn't enough room. This area is too small. How are we going to fit more than seventy people in here?" I remember once, leaning over to my roommate and saying a bit too loudly, "This is just impossible."

Less than ten minutes later, the room was arranged and seating was provided for more than seventy people.

When I realized what had just happened, I felt extremely humiliated. I found a seat on the second row and sat down, feeling awkward and probably blushing a bit. The good news is that the man who had asked us to help wasn't bothered at all by my doubt, and he struck up a conversation with me before the meeting started.

It occurred to me later that God did a lot of impossible things this summer. I mean, seriously, I lived half-way around the world for more than five weeks and not only survived, but loved it. My team and I led, organized, and taught a three-week English camp to almost 200 Asian teenagers. I built friendships with my team, my students, and a bunch of Lao college kids that I hope will be lasting. I saw the need for prayer and some methods of prayer and I discovered the importance of intentionality in relationships. I lost my wallet, but thankfully not my ID or passport, and I received my replacement debit card in the mail in perfect timing. And, with about 9 other people, I set up seventy chairs in a room which I thought could not hold that many people.

And I realized: Nothing is impossible for God. When I'm putting my trust in the Almighty Father, He is truly that: All. Mighty. Omnipotent. Can't the One who created the world also work in the world? He is not a hands-off God, He is an active and present and all-knowing God.

Nothing is impossible for Him. He works everything out in His ways and with His provision. We may feel as if that limits Him, but it doesn't. It only shows his greatness and omnipotence. I guess I should stop saying that things are impossible. Saying that just proves that I am not trusting my Father. "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)

What I'm Listening To:

"Grace" - Tenth Avenue North

"You Do All Things Well" - Tenth Avenue North

Spiritually Prepared

My biggest fear going into college was that I wouldn't make any friends. God radically challenged and demolished that fear by blessing me with an amazing group of friends I have kept and loved these last two years. I would not be here without them.

Now, when it comes to my five week trip to Asia (which I leave for in 7 days!), my biggest fear is that I am not spiritually prepared enough. It's like this little sneaky feeling that I should be somewhere else (farther or deeper or stronger) in my relationship with God and that I'm just not there yet. I was actually really upset that I was not as "Christian" as I thought I should be before embarking on this trip.

The organization I'm serving with really emphasizes preparation and  pre-trip planning, even providing a Bible study, a journal devotional, and a book on servanthood to prepare us for the trip and the ministry we'll be doing. I think that's great, but it was affecting my outlook on the trip in general. I felt like I was not good enough to go to Asia in the first place. Fortunately, I was wrong. It's not about my "good-ness" or ability. It's about God's goodness and ability. He will equip me to do the good work he is calling me to. The pre-trip devotionals and Bible studies are for the purpose of opening my eyes and heart so I am willing to let him use me. They serve little purpose than to help me be aware, to help open and keep open the lines of communication between me and God.

Tirzah Presbyterian Church

I learned this while I was on a mini road trip today. This morning, I woke up at 6:30am and drove a little over an hour to a city a couple counties over from mine. It was fairly spontaneous, as the idea occurred to me late yesterday afternoon, and I wasn't sure exactly where I was going. I ended up doing everything I set out to do. First, I visited a tiny unincorporated community called Tirzah. In Hebrew, "Tirzah" is a female name which means "She is my delight" and it is found in the Bible as both a name and a city. I've always wanted to visit it just because of the name, but I learned today that the little town is just one street long! The road (Tirzah Rd) is about a mile and a half long and it literally has one church and a bunch of pretty houses. That's it. I wondered why I drove all the way there to drive down one street. Later, I went to the County library and found old records from the church, but nothing to explain why it was named Tirzah.

I think I set out trying to prove that I was beautiful or to find beauty. Maybe if I'm beautiful, I found myself reasoning, my Father will notice me. Or maybe I went about it trying to prove that I was somehow a good Christian, that I could go be away with God somewhere and have an amazing experience and come back spiritually renewed and glowing. Initially, I didn't set out looking to spend more time with God; I set out trying to be someone I wasn't.

Tirzah Road sign

After that random adventure, I drove to the Glencairn Gardens, a volunteer-run flower garden in the area. I spent some time taking pictures of nature and enjoying the scenery. Then I settled in for Jesus time. And let me tell you, God showed up without me needing to pressure him into coming. Or get down on my hands and knees and beg his presence. Not that there's anything wrong with asking God to be among us. The fact is that I learned that He already is. It matters so much to me that God sees me, that he notices me, that he finds me important, significant, and yes, beautiful. I failed to realize that he already does.

I don't have to do anything to get his attention because I already have it. He has carved my name into the palms of his hands. He doesn't just walk away when I need him or ignore me when I call him or find something more interesting to do. He always wants to hear my voice.

Flower at the Gardens

Thus, I realized I tend to focus on myself way too much. Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest had this to say today: "The continual inner-searching we do in an effort to see if we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, sickly type of Christianity, not the vigorous and simple life of a child of God."

I honestly felt like I wasn't good enough, and that held me back from doing so much. Chambers says that the correct attitude is to "launch out in reckless, unrestrained belief that the redemption is complete," because even if it isn't, we are made right with God in Christ, and we should move on from ourselves. At some point, we should not "worry anymore about [ourselves], but begin to do as Jesus has said...". Which is: prayer and service. Sometimes as Christians, we get this weird idea that sanctification and ministry are not simultaneous. I would like to argue that they almost always happen at the same time. God has saved me and is saving me and I'm working out my salvation through my work for God's kingdom.

The point is that God sees and notices and loves me. Sometimes I still have to be reminded of that. Because he so generously lavishes love and forgiveness on me, I can go and serve and minister to others, even if I don't feel perfect or even good enough. You know why?

Because we "are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that [we] may declare the praises of him who called [us] out of darkness into this wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:9). He chose us to serve him. And if we waited until we were perfect to start serving, we would be in heaven already. (Alone, of course, because a nice portion of that serving is missions work.)

In this post from March, I included 1 Peter 2:9 because I heard it twice in one less-than-two-hour period and I couldn't figure out why. However, today, when I opened My Utmost for His Highest and saw that 1 Peter 2:9 was the headlining verse, I knew God was going to speak to me through it. It was like he had given me a little taste beforehand so I'd know when to pay attention when he used that verse to speak to me. What a strange blessing from the Lord!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is going to use me how and where he wants me. He is going to equip me for the work to which he's called me. And I don't have to be superwoman or super-Christian. I just have to be willing.

What I'm Listening To:

"You're Beautiful" - Phil Wickham

"Something Beautiful" - NeedtoBreathe

Switchfoot on shuffle

Second Chances

After a lovely graduation at my alma mater and an awesome commencement speech from one of my favorite high school teachers, I had every intention of welcoming friends into the high-school-graduate club, taking a few pictures, and heading home to enjoy the beautiful and warm evening. I planned to write a blog post and add some supporters to my e-mail update list for while I am overseas before going to bed.

 I was feeling like quite the independent woman, to say the least. (Cue the “independent black woman who don’t need no man!”) Walking back to my car after the ceremony tonight, in my heels with my fancy purse, I relished (maybe a bit too forwardly) that I was a twenty year college student with my life before me and trip to Asia on the horizon. I even got the random urge to roll down my windows and turn up the radio and sing Abandon’s “New Years Day” much too loudly on the thirty minute drive home. It was fantastic.

Then I glanced down and realized I had missed a call from my mom. I called her back and we played a short round of phone tag. She called me back again and asked me if I had left graduation yet and where I was.

Pause with me for a moment. Here I am. Independent. Driving my own car. I have been at college on and off for two years, during which time I do not call my mom every time I leave or arrive somewhere, like I once did during my first years as a licensed driver. My mom was even at graduation, though she was required to sit with the other teachers while I sat with a friend, and she told me she was leaving as soon as the ceremony was over, but that I could stay as long as I wanted. So why did she call me? It felt like overkill.

Believe me, I absolutely love my mom. But there was something that irked me about her phone call. Sometimes I feel like I am at this strange and confusing crossroads between child and adult. Legally, I can order things online, drive unrestricted, live by myself, and a host of other things. One more year and I’ll be legal in more ways as well.

Yet at the very same time, I am so incredibly dependent. Just hours earlier, my mom bought my dinner at Moe’s and was reminding me that I have to rely on someone to come pick me up from the airport when I fly back to the US from Asia.

And when it comes to God, I need him to. Sometimes I hate admitting that.

I came home from college excited about this trip to Asia. I came home tired, so tired, but ready to learn and grow (and read and knit and run) this summer. And I was doing well, too. I had a system for getting up at a decent time, eating a healthy breakfast and doing a devotional time, then heading to the YMCA for a good workout and practicing for a 5K.

In time, I began slipping out of the schedule. I got prideful. I stayed up too late and woke up too late. I didn’t do my devotions; I stopped seeing God in the little things. I slipped up. Earlier today, I got upset for no reason. I lost my phone and blamed it on everyone but myself. I became disappointed in myself for a side cramp and a leg-spasm-thing that kept me from running today. I yelled at my brother.

When I don’t go to God for the daily (spiritual) bread I need each day, I sometimes wonder how I make it through the day. It’s awful. There is this God who is sovereign over everything and who loves me and I continue to ignore him and his pursuit of me because reading the Bible is “boring” or I’m “tired” or there’s “so much” to do. How stupid is that?

Tonight, driving with the windows down and “New Years Day” loud, I thought about second chances. Today did not go exactly as planned, although it ended well. When I mess up, whether I’m struggling with a bad habit sin or a major struggle sin, whether I’m just not seeing God or actively rebelling against God, it should bring me to (good) guilt - the kind that leads to repentance.

Repentance is not an “I’m sorry” and move on. It’s a changing “I’m sorry.” Repentance means that I hate the sin and I am so grateful that God would love me through and in spite of it. In reality, God does not see my sinful self, but rather the holy Jesus covering over me. And while God sees Jesus covering me, I am being redeemed and made holy. I am in the process of sanctification. I am being saved.

Am I there yet? Definitely not. But I must believe that God is working. God is moving. I am being sanctified. I am being made to look more like him.

And I must have patience with myself along the way. God is a God of second chances and it’s okay to need him desperately, because I do. A lot.

What I'm Listening To...

"New Year's Day" - Abandon

"You Are" - Tenth Avenue North

"You Are My King (Amazing Love)" - Newsboys

Check out my 30 Before 30 Blog: doing thirty things in the next ten years. Want to get e-mail updates  while I'm in Asia for five weeks? Use the form in the post below. Comment with your thoughts on repentance!

Appointment With Dr. House, Please?

I cannot vouch for any coherence of thought in this post, considering it is after 10pm and I’ve taken medicine, but I wanted to share a bit about what’s going on.

It’s been a really weird week. On Monday, my three-hour night class was shortened to individual 15 minute meetings, which left me slightly unoccupied and worried I was missing something. I’ve had a headache since Tuesday, accompanied by some dizziness and nausea. The doctor I saw at the clinic thinks it might be congestion from sinuses or allergies, so he’s pumping me full of meds and hoping something sticks.

Not only that, but on Tuesday, I spilled my favorite Thai noodles all over my favorite outfit, the couch, and the floor around the microwave in my dorm, before I had even taken a bite. I was so upset. After that, nothing I ate could make me full. Also, a lot of events are happening this weekend, from Thursday night, when high school students came to visit our college, to tonight, when our college has rented out a theater at the local cinema for everyone to watch The Hunger Games. Unfortunately, I have not been able to attend most of these events due to my headache and dizziness.

I’m trying not to complain. Some of my friends have graciously volunteered their time (thank you Tiffany) or their driving abilities (you too, Jeremy and Lula) to help me out.

The problem is that somewhere deep inside, I’m afraid this is not congestion and the medicine is not going to work. Even with some good pain killers, my head and neck still hurt, and I’m pretty sure the antibiotics are not doing anything.

This whole experience is teaching me a lot about being needy, about not being to do things by myself.

I love driving people places. For a while, I considered it my personal ministry to physically bring people to church. I prefer to drive or to ride in the front seat anywhere I go. So, of course, the medicine the doctor prescribes me has specific warnings against operating moving vehicles. It’s hard to be independent when standing up and walking up stairs is a slow and sometimes dizzying process, not to mention not even being allowed to drive!

Yet hasn’t God called us to be utterly dependent on him? We should never be fearful or afraid or weak, but we are never alone and we should never “lean on our own understandings.”

While I’m filling out my application for the Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital’s diagnostic team’s next case, I’m also searching for God. Do I really think I can survive this crazy, messed-up life on my own? Of course not. My hope is found in God alone. Being seen by the great Dr. House would be awesome, but only God can truly heal my spirit and direct my paths.

It's at the point of not knowing that we begin to trust and have faith.

See Psalm 70:5, Isaiah 41:17, and Philippians 4:19.

Turning Twenty... And Other Wrestles

I had a bit of a crisis last night in the library between Charles Dickens’ Best Stories and Europe Since 1715. It had nothing to do with literary and historical classics, but… I’m turning twenty years old this weekend! What?!? Don’t get me wrong, this is super exciting, but it’s a time of transition and change as well. And I usually don’t like transition and change.

I was sitting at my favorite table in the library, filling out an application for a ministry position on campus, when I was just a bit shocked at how quickly I had found myself here. Hasn’t it been less than two years since I cried myself to sleep as a high school senior, wondering what was going to happen when I graduated, moved, and “adopted” an entire stepfamily? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I drove a little red Mercury Cougar with bucket seats? Hasn’t it been less than two years since I was a terrified and naïve eighteen year old with a broken family and a heart yearning for love?

Sometimes I just want to yell, "Look at me now!" I want to find that guy who made fun of me in middle school so I can show him who I’ve become and talk with him about what God can do in people’s lives. I want to remind my dad that I am no longer the eight year old little girl I was when he left and I want to tell him that he can never get back those years of my life. I want to actually do the great and wonderful things that my shyness and insecurities kept me from doing years ago.

One of the things I’ve wrestled with when it comes to my birthday is my singleness. For one, God has been showing me amazing things about singleness and sacrifice since my last post. That’s been really good. The problem, however, is that I honestly have not been living and thinking in ways I know I should and in ways that will glorify God. I mean, I have worked to maintain outward displays of purity and joyfulness in singleness, but I am not living with singleness of heart. My heart is not thinking on that which is noble and pure and true and my mind is not full of the glories of my Savior. It is often on two things: Complaining about being "alone" and dwelling on the "potentials" of a relationship.

This makes me upset. God has specifically called me to singleness for this current season, for the next while of my life, and I’ve discovered my heart is set on anything but Him. That should be my point! When we sacrifice what is good, we do so for the whole purpose of gaining that which is best (namely, God). So, if we participate in something like Lent or a personal sacrifice, we must replace what we give up with God, especially more time in his presence and more time meditating on him.

I guess I had some kind of unspoken plan to date while I was still a teenager. Leaving that behind has been weird. It’s a bit like the first time I realized I wasn’t going to be kissed in high school. I’m saving my first kiss for when I get engaged, so that eliminates that opportunity. It really was not a big deal, but it made me think. Now, I’m wondering how long God’s command that I sacrifice my desire to date will be. At this rate, I’m doing a very bad job at it, and God just might call me to surrender dating for a while. Am I okay with that? Well, when it comes to God, I have to be. Assuming that the Creator of the universe actually gave me life and knows how best to live it, I shouldn’t have much of a problem trusting his plans for my life, my entire life, even my love life.

But I do. I do have problems trusting him.

I have a problem when I see yet another couple is displaying way too much physical affection. I have a problem when I don’t pay attention to God’s consistent pursuit of my heart because I chalk it up to coincidence. I have a problem when I hear stories of the not-so-smart actions of girls and guys when it comes to romantic relationships.

This problem is more like a heart cry of mine, focused on the brokenness between people, especially in male/female relationships. A female friend and I talked the other night, completely broken over the hurt we have encountered in relationships with our dads, brothers, guy friends, and male spiritual leaders. There’s a lot of hurt there. I told her that I was striving with every bit of me to believe that there are strong Godly men who are spiritual leaders. Yet after struggling with the pain of broken relationships, believing that is so difficult.

That’s a problem I encounter when it comes to trusting in God. Now, the good news is that we must give God time to shape our future spouses. We wouldn’t want to begin dating them until God has shaped us, too.

And I think that’s my point.

Are we passionately in love with the God who pursues us and loves us with everything? I’ve come to realize that we cannot and should not begin a dating relationship until we are passionately in love with him. This does not mean that we never date. This does not mean that we are hopeless. This simply means that we get some things straight before we involve other person. We must be able to worship and serve God and love doing it. We must find out some things about ourselves, like what makes us tick and what gives us energy, before we try to find that in another person. We must pray and fast and embrace silence and read the Word and every other spiritual discipline. We must learn to love all our brothers and sisters. We must give and give freely of ourselves and our time and our love. And I believe we must have heartache along the way. No one is ready for a dating relationship unless they have been hurt and caused hurt in the past and have come to terms with it and moved. It’s essential.

Is your faith your own? Is your God your own? Do you love him?

I wrote a fictional (but largely based on actual events) post that was themed like a Q and A session with God. I asked God why I was still single. He asked me if I loved him. I hope and pray that we would dive deeper into him, take our pain and joys to him, and worship him fully. That’s why we’re here.

Even at twenty years old and never dated, that's still why I'm here. A woman's highest calling is the same as a man's, regardless of occupation, station, or relationship status... to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Please Stop Lying to Yourself

When we begin to come to terms with the things we've done and/or the things that have been done to us that grieve God’s heart (i.e., sins), we also begin to wrestle with the natural ramifications of those things. Sin is never simply a mistake. Each time a sin is committed, we lay the groundwork for future pain, either in our lives or the lives of others, and usually in both.

One such pain I would like to analyze is found in the lies we tell ourselves. For example, after engaging in sexual sin, we may later feel dirty, worthless, undesirable, unvaluable, or any of the above. Or, after someone we care about speaks condescendingly or negatively towards us, we may feel insignificant, inadequate, rejected, etc. I’m sure you could think of some prime examples in your own life.

We may also use “If… then…” or “Since… then…” statements on ourselves. Have you ever said this: “Since no one wants to hang out with me, then I must not matter to anyone.” Or, “If I cannot resist this temptation, then I will never be able to have a successful marriage / career / relationship / family.” Or, “If I fail one more time, then it must mean I am a failure.” Or, “Since my dad left, then that means I’m not wanted and no guy will ever want to date me.”

If I am completely honest, I have to tell you that I have said all of those to myself. It has taken lots of time to identify that, first, I’m saying those things to myself, and second, they are not truth. And even when they feel true, I must acknowledge that one fact does not prescribe the other. Yes, my dad left when I was eight, but that in no way means that I’m not attractive or not valuable or not significant or not desirable. Good friends have poured into me the realization that I am valuable. Professors and mentors who care about me and my growth are apt to acknowledge my significance. And even when some situations with guys seem to repeatedly speak negatively to me about attractiveness or desirability, I must hold on to glimpses of truth, such as a cute hair day, a compliment, a kind remark from a guy friend, or a word from God about beauty.

What we know deep inside and what we know from God’s Word are things that we should be letting define ourselves, not those painful experiences that seep into our lives and threaten to take truth away. The truth is that God will never leave us (Deuteronomy 31:6 and 8). The truth is that we are valuable (Matthew 6:26). The truth is that God is listening (Psalm 17:6). The truth is that God has chosen us and is with us and will help us (Isaiah 41:8-10). Do you believe the Bible is the Word of God? Then believe these things. And stop lying to yourself. Don’t believe what Satan is telling you. Find a verse to disprove anything you hear from him.

On another note, I heard a beautiful testimony tonight from a dear friend. I had heard it once before, when we went out for coffee, but tonight she shared with a group at a prayer meeting. She had told me multiple times before that she just wanted God to get the glory and to be praised through the story of her issues and struggles and redemption. So, tonight, as she talked, I smiled at her jokes and cried at her pain, but I was praying. Praying that God would receive the glory. To my surprise, after the meeting, some girls called for the musicians in the group to go get their guitars so we could all worship in song together. Her story inspired intimate worship and praise to and for God – what an amazing testament to glorifying God.

Someone once told me, “We should not think less of ourselves. Instead, we should think of ourselves less.” Awesome advice. So today, I'm telling you not to lie to yourself or belittle yourself. I’m telling you to spend more time with God. I’m telling you to believe what He says. I’m telling you to glorify Him no matter what. God will do great things. Sometimes you have to step back and watch.

Awesomeness from Tonight

I think this is the only time (that I can remember) that I have left a large-ish gathering of people feeling energized and refreshed. The trademark of an introvert is that they gain energy from being alone or being in pairs, so it’s weird to enjoy people so much.

But I did and do.

Some awesome things that happened tonight:

• I met my mom halfway between college and home so she could give me some schoolwork and shoes I forgot when I moved back into my dorm. We ate at Waffle House in the middle of a rather “sketchy” part of town, and I had an amazing conversation with my mom, more like friends than a parental role. Those sorts of things are happening more often, now that I’m almost twenty. (What? Almost twenty?)

• And on the way to meet my mom, I felt my car hydroplane a little bit on the very wet roads. I was afraid that the raining would get worse and that the highways would be even more wet, although I once I got to the interstate, it was mostly puddle-free and easy to drive. God is awesome. 

• As I was leaving Waffle House, I stopped to get gas (again, sketchy part of town) and I drove through more rain and some fog. And, of course, the college and its town I was going back to and the situations there that are difficult there came to mind. At the most perfect moment, Chris Tomlin’s “Our God” came on the radio. Wow. Our God is bigger and stronger than the storms of the weather and the storms of our lives. It was a great reminder.

• I drove back to my college town and met some friends at my pastor’s house. We played Rock Band, Catchphrase, and MadGabs and it was an awesome time of fellowship and friendship. We used to get together like that in the past, and I really appreciated the time to be together with my best friends and two beloved mentors. 

• When my fellow college kids and I drove back to campus to make curfew, I happened to be the first person in the succession of cars. It was weird, because I usually drive very slow, and I always feel scrutinized when people I know drive behind me. However, it was actually beneficial tonight. The headlights on my car are not the best, and I actually needed the headlights of the two cars behind me to help me see when I wasn't under streetlights or when I was driving through the fog. Even though the person behind me probably wanted to make fun of my bad driving habits, their presence actually helped me to drive safer, because I could see.

There was no deep spiritual or theological or psychological conversation tonight. It was fun and practical and worthwhile. It was being a daughter. It was being a friend. And I loved it.  I loved listening to the rain on my car windows and learning simple practical lessons about God’s provision and protection. I loved driving almost an hour and a half to meet my mom for dinner. I loved having nothing to do. I loved not being tied to a computer or a phone. I loved. And was loved.

Today, I’m thankful for the people God has placed in my life.

Doing the Impossible

Paul instructs us to “never tire of doing good” in second Thessalonians. Taken at its simplest, this is still incredible instruction. Doing what is good is more difficult than doing what is right, which is even more difficult than just not doing what is wrong. Think about that for a minute.

Now, are we trying to do what is good and right and trying to not do what is wrong and bad out of our own power? I would argue that we are.

I know for me, I have a consistent problem of trying to do everything on my own, in my own power, alone. I suffered at the beginning of last semester with the mindset that I could survive sophomore year without any help. It was actually kind of stupid. About the time midterms hit, God whispered, “Alex, stop hiding.” When I realized, with help, what I was hiding from, I was ashamed. I was hiding from my friends, my core, the people I had learned to love and rely on during freshman year.

So on the Tuesday before Midterm exams, I was confronted with the need to start over, to come to terms with the realization that I needed my friends. I began the process of reestablishing good friendships and redefining not-so-good ones. It’s not over yet, I know. After almost ignoring the connections I had with my core for a few months, getting things back with them is very difficult, especially now that I live two floors away from some of them.

The point I’m making is that I realized I could not do this semester, the year, even that week before midterms, without people. We need each other, if you haven’t realized. And we need God. Because we can’t do life, especially the Christian life without Him.

First Thessalonians 5:23-24 reads:

Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.

My devotional for today featured verse 23 and discussed the importance of being blameless before God. As I read it this morning, I immediately became defensive. I don’t know about you, but I am not blameless. I mess up every day in ways I cannot make excuses for. I’m so often ashamed of my inability to just behave, to just do things right. It’s a Romans 7 struggle I'm not happy about. I was suddenly resentful of the devotional reading on blamelessness because I knew I could not be blameless on my own.

But isn’t that why my Savior died for me? Our blameless king became a servant and took our blame so we could live. “…[H]e has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.” (Colossians 1:22)

So when I opened my Bible and found the next verse, I Thessalonians 5:24, I almost cried. It says that GOD will "make me blameless" and "holy," without fault, because "he who calls me is faithful." Since this past Easter, my Savior has been pouring his faithfulness onto me. It’s one of the ways he romances and show his love for me. And to know that I am not the one making myself pure and blameless is amazing. God is making me pure and blameless. Yes, I should never tire of doing good, but it is God who changes my heart so I can do that which is good.

We must stop trying to do life on our own; we must realize our need for Him and depend on Him for everything, even the ability to live and live in Christ.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” – Philippians 1:6

Be Careful What You Pray For

The weather's changing, which always makes me start feeling a little more. Sometimes it's feeling empty and alone, sometimes refreshed and in love with God.

College is awesome as always, although I'm constantly comparing each semester. Last year, especially last semester, I was so busy and stressed that I really had to trust God. I depended on God for so much - every minute I needed to study, every quarter I needed for laundry, every hour I needed for work, every friendship I needed for community. It was intense, because sometimes I wasn't sure of hardly anything.

In addition, the majority of the stress was my own fault. No one needs three leadership positions, a student ministry, 15 hours of work, and 5 classes. Looking back, I see now how a lot of that was an attempt to stifle what I was actually trying to work towards. I've written it about before, but one of the ways that women try to cope with emotional wounds is by becoming driven, dominating, and busy. She hides behind everything she has to do. While I was saying I was striving for dedicated, deep friendships and an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, I was painfully running away from those by having too much to do all the time.

Which brings me to my next point. When I was as busy as I was last semester, I rarely stayed very late after my Thursday night ministry (a small group for my fellow college kids). I just didn't have the time, and I was exhausted from all the late nights I had already pulled that week.

But this past week, as this ministry resumed this semester, the leadership team bathed each other and the night in prayer shortly before we started. The four of us went around in a circle praying for God to reveal himself, for great things to happen, for people to come to a deeper relationship with God. It was great. When it was my turn, I prayed this amazingly dangerous prayer... I asked God to "wreck our schedules."

If you don't know me very well, I am a schedule freak. Literally, I have my calendar on my phone. I have my weekly schedule (a color-coordinated Excel Document) taped to the side of my desk. I have a sticky note on my desk that I replace every week with that week's homework assignments. I started wearing a watch last summer, and checking it has been both a life-saver and an annoying habit. So, for me to pray for God to "wreck our schedules" was a really big deal.

In fact, God answered that prayer. Our worship leaders ended up substituting a couple songs on the set list, cutting out a song I love. There was a shift in our notes, and my co-leader and I ended up jumping ahead, then having to come back around to the points we missed. For closing worship, one of our worship leaders lead us outside to sit and lay in the grass as we worshiped. God answered that prayer! Tangibly!

...And I was so angry.

I honestly do not know why. I've been asking for God to do something. I've been asking for answers to prayer and trying to look for them. So when God did something that I could actually see, I don't know why, but I became upset. Angry. Disoriented. I couldn't name the feeling.

After our ministry was over and everyone left, I sat on the edge of the stage beside my co-leader and two other friends, surrounded by their compassion, as they held my hands or touched my shoulders. And I prayed. Real, honest prayer. Half the time, I forgot they were there. I prayed that I would learn to trust. I prayed for each aspect of life that I wasn't trusting God with: church, homework, friendships, singleness, etc. I asked for forgiveness for being upset with what God was doing. We sang a couple songs together. Later that night, recounting the story to my current and former roommates, I cried.

God, I'm so messed up. Why do you love me?

Because I choose to.

The title of this post is kind of a joke, because we should be praying with abandon, praising and confessing to God, not simply repeating a laundry list of requests. So chill out. Stop running. During first semester, God kept telling me, "Alex, stop and let me love you." When we have some time to stop and breathe Him in, we'll actually hear what God is saying. And what a beautiful time to listen to Him than early autumn.

Cemeteries: A Summer Recap and Thoughts on Jesus

Less than 9 days until I return to college. I will be a sophomore - 1 year under my belt, but still left with enough time to enjoy it.

In between observations and online classes, VBS and summer camp, concerts and mini-road trips, I enjoyed being home. Sometimes I regret not applying for jobs, but on the other hand, I really loved just doing nothing. I loved being able to take my brother roller skating, eat dinner with my family almost every night, waste time online, and visit cemeteries.

Have I mentioned I love cemeteries? I love genealogical research, finding my ancestors, scrolling through US censuses, and locating the gravesites of people whose grandchildren's grandchildren are my parents. I love standing at the foot of their graves and closing my eyes and picturing people (who never knew that one day I would come into the world as a result of their marriage and children) bury their deceased loved ones, back before TV existed. It's really something awesome.

This summer, other than visiting cemeteries where my ancestors are buried, I also used the path around the cemetery in the little town where I live as a walking/running track. I've never been much for health clubs or organized sports or most types of physical activity, but I've realized that exercise is good. For one, since I've been getting good exercise more than three times a week, I haven't felt nearly as panicky or anxious or depressed as those times when I have not exercised in months. There's something to be said for getting enough sleep and enough exercise, especially for easily anxious people like me.

Waking up about 8, eating breakfast, reading the Word, and walking/running a good 1.5 - 2 miles before starting the day's events has been a regular schedule for me the past few months, most recently since I returned home from the beach with my mom and stepdad. Typically I walk a few laps, run one or two laps, then walk a couple more to cool down. Each lap is 1/4 of a mile, so six laps is one and a half miles. Today, unlike the usual stretch, walk, run, walk, drink water, drive home business, I cut across the track on my last lap to study the stone figure in the middle of the cemetery.

I always assumed it was Jesus, and even though there are no markings or signs, I'm reasonably sure it is. Running and sweating your way around a cemetery between five and eight times a day could be creepy, if I let it, especially with this large stone guy looking like he's going to step down from the pedestal and give me a bear hug at any moment. I guess because I like cemeteries so much, the stone Jesus sculpture didn't seem to bother me.

Walking up close to the sculpture, I realized something I hadn't noticed before. Jesus's head was

dipped slightly and his arms outstretched. You might be able to see it better in the picture on the left. It reminds me of Jesus on the cross, such a humble, giving position, but at the same time, so strong. It's like he's defeated death and he's welcoming everyone into his arms. Now, I know this is just an artist's interpretation of a Westernized Jesus, but I just can't help but be filled with the same feeling I get at all cemeteries. You might not be able to tell from the pictures, but this sculpture is quite a bit old. I kept thinking of all the people who had visited this cemetery in years past, whether to bury someone they were close to, or to lay flowers on a grave of a family member. And I wondered how many people saw the sculpture and realized Jesus was opening his arms to them, to their grief and pain and brokenness.

My Jesus is humble and patient. I mean, read Philippians 2:3-11. Jesus "took the humble position of a slave" when he came to earth to live and die for us. But he is so much stronger and greater than we often give him credit for. He defeated death and rose again to redeem us, to purchase us from sin's tangles and give us the lives we never could have had otherwise.

One of my favorite passages, the two verses I chose as my Senior Bible Verses when I graduated high school, is Ephesians 5:1-2. It summaries this idea well:

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

It also provides direction for where I'm going. This direction? Love. Imitating God. Following Christ's example of selflessness.

I'm involved in ministry this coming semester, serving my fellow college students through community and dialogue on the Eldredges' Captivating and Wild at Heart books with a friend, mentoring a 6th grade girl, and serving in various capacities at church and on campus. I'm working at the job I held last year in the Admissions Office. And I am asking God to prepare my heart and love and be loved in great ways this year.

The thing I love the most about cemeteries is how they are so directly related to love. I mean, all of those deceased people have families, families who buy flower arrangements to cover their graves. All those families have friends who came to the funerals for their loved ones. So, love. But seeing the sculpture of a humbled and powerful Jesus welcoming his children into his arms reminds me of Jesus's love. It gets me excited to one day see the face of my Savior in heaven and gives me the encouragement to keep going when things get tough.

As I was walking away from the sculpture, the Cupid Shuffle came on my iPod, which I had just remembered was still in my ears. I started to dance without realizing it, and I was suddenly like Oh my goodness, this is so irreverent! But then I laughed at myself. Lord willing, the people these graves symbolize are rejoicing in the arms of Jesus. And I bet that the Jesus Shuffle is on the playlist for the party in heaven. So, don't tell my grandma, but I Cupid Shuffle-d all the way back to my car.

And, friends, that's what I did this summer. Believe me, I'm planning to do something a little more exciting that sit at home and run around cemeteries next summer, although I did learn a lot, spend good time with my family, and served at summer camp and VBS, which I really enjoyed.

Less than nine days remains, and I'm going to enjoy every one of them until I move back in at college and make the most of those eight or nine months of sophomore year.

Doing it Alone

It's moments like this that remind me I was never meant to do it alone. Why do I even try?

It's almost humorous. My mom and stepdad both got off work early today and drove to a nice furniture store about an hour or two away. They dropped my little brother off with me. So, he and I got suitcases down from the attic by ourselves, which was a great feat for my acrophobic brother. I packed up one of the suitcases to take back to school with me for two weeks. Then I asked him to come out with me to the "shop" behind our house to look for a bottle of car wash, since I was considering washing my car. During this time, my mom called, suggested we order pizza, and told me where the bathing suits were. We couldn't find any car wash, but my brother suggested using every kind of wax and polish and degreaser that my stepdad owns. I called my mom again and asked where to order pizza, and the only place nearby doesn't deliver and is really sketch (which my mom assured me was fine, but I disagreed).

And then I got frustrated. I remembered that I had wanted to get my car washed somewhere professionally, since I wanted it vacuumed as well. It frustrated me that I didn't remember that before I lugged my brother outside to help me look for a bottle of car wash. It frustrated me that I was hot and tired and sweaty and now wouldn't be able to wash my car. It frustrated me that my brother wanted pizza and I wasn't about to go to the sketchy pizza place alone. I just felt very frustrated and bothered and anxious.

Anxious for what?

I wanted someone to be there. Someone to put a hand on my shoulder and say, "It's okay, it's okay. This is not a big deal. You can get your car washed another time." Someone to give me a hug and tell me that they'll go get pizza. Someone to say, "Hey, I've got this."

Is that crazy?

This is something I should be able to handle on my own. And God proves to me everyday that he's with me. And that he's got everything under control.

I guess this is another reminder that I'm ready live on my own yet. I'm not ready to get married. I'm not ready to plan meals or raise a family or take care of other people or be independent yet. And I feel ridiculous saying that. I mean, I'm the adult in this situation, right? But I guess it's okay, even a good thing, that I'm not ready to be on my own yet. I've still got 3 more years in college living on campus. I bet I've got between four and ten years until marriage comes knocking on my door. I've got time. For once, that seems like a very nice thing to have.

When I was younger, I was always waiting. Waiting to get my braces off, waiting to go to high school, waiting to get a driver's license, waiting to get a car, waiting to get a job, waiting to get asked out on a date (still hasn't happened), waiting to graduate, waiting to go to college... And I guess I'm still waiting. Waiting for my next paycheck, waiting for the summer, waiting to move up a year in school, waiting to get asked out, waiting for my final grades to be posted online... It's just at this point in my life, I'm okay to wait. God wants to do something during this period of waiting.

I realized earlier that God wants to do something great in me and through me before there's a guy in my life. Sometime during this past semester I forgot about that and got all sidetracked. It's a little disheartening to look back and say, "Wow, if only I had remembered what God wanted to do! How would things have looked different?" Now, though, I can look forward and say, "How will things look different now that I'm reminding myself of what God wants to do?"

So, while God has done and is doing great things through my singleness, I'm also considering: what is God doing while I'm in this awkward stage between childhood and adulthood? Well, for one, he's teaching me what it looks like to be an adult. What it looks like to do things alone, and how I'm never really alone.

At the very beginning of my first semester of college, my car broke down, and my mom and stepdad drove the roll-back (like a tow-truck) two hours in the pouring rain to get my car and take me out to dinner. I was grateful that they came, but I was upset that I couldn't handle the situation on my own. My mom told me that of course I couldn't handle my broke-down car by myself, that I wasn't meant to. Then she gave me some advice that has really stuck with me...

Being an adult doesn't mean you don't ask for help. It simply means knowing who to ask and when to ask them for help.

Yeah, even adults are not meant to do it alone. It's not a measure of adulthood if I can accomplish everything myself. Obviously, becoming confident and competent mean that I'm an adult. But another measure of adulthood is my being interdependent: self-sufficient, but able to relate to adults as adults. Knowing where to appropriately find help, not doing everything without help.

And, another thing, God never called us to completely independent. He created us to know and love and need each other. That's the beauty of people. They're messy (oh, so messy!) but worthwhile. Relationships are so important and necessary to life. The good news is that God did not stick us on this earth to live alone. He gave us people, fellow believers, even. He gave us his Holy Spirit, who will be with us and in us forever. And he gave us immediate, direct contact to himself, through prayer because Jesus died and rose again for us.

So, in the end, I'm never really alone. Maybe this was just a slightly humorous, frustratingly obvious way to make me see that. Now, if you'll excuse me, my little brother and I are going to go play a board game. :)

What More Do I Want?

Sometimes I get so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I get so exhausted with striving and striving. Living the Christian life is exhausting and often burnout comes quickly, even if we have pure motives and are maintaining a consistent devotional time.

It's at the point of giving up with exhaustion when we ask God for a sign. We ask him to show or give us something that will keep us going. We beg him to make things happen in our lives, to fix our situations, to give us additional reassurance.

And then we sit down with our eyes closed and our ears plugged and we ignore God's thunderstorm outside.

Listen, God is working whether we see it or not! When we attribute a certain circumstance to chance or coincidence, God is working. When something just goes completely perfect, God is working. Things just don't happen. God is working them out. Also, God knows what we need. Even before we ourselves know it. He's just that awesome.

Some practical examples:

I was upset over a rift in a relationship, and God caused the other person to say something at just the right time to smooth things over.

I was worried about who I was going to room with next year, and a friend asked me if I would be willing to room with her - which was a total God thing.

I was focused so much on myself and what I do and what I need and a friend blessed me with words of encouragement, thanking me for something God had used me to do for other people.
I was beyond stressed over a paper that was due on Tuesday when I got an e-mail saying the due date had been extended to Thursday - so a couple more days to finish this long paper! Before I got the e-mail, my great-uncle reminded me he was praying for me and all the work I had due, and it really encouraged me to keep going.

There are a multitude of further examples. The point is that God is truly working. He is not silent; he is not absent. So while it's normal to want a sign from God, we don't need one. Every sunrise, every breath, every baby born, every moment is a sign that God is active in our world today, a sign that he really does care. We don't see God in actuality. And we typically don't audibly hear his voice. But he is here, active and present.

1 Peter 1:8 says, "Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy."

Where's Your Heart?

It's days when I feel like everything is going perfectly when God reminds me how I can do nothing. It's those days when everything is seemingly going how I planned and I'm starting to feel prideful that I accomplished everything today, when I'm left with a weird feeling. It doesn't feel like "emptiness" per say, but it definitely feels like I'm missing something. It feels like a consistent, unquenchable yearning for something more. But what?

Tell me: Where is your heart? What is it running after? What is your heart crying out? What is the song it is singing? In other words, what matters? What is it in your day-to-day that takes up your time, your thoughts, and your feelings? What makes you tick? What is your heart yearning for? What is your soul on fire for?

Hillsong sings, "My heart will sing no other name... Jesus, Jesus". And I'm reminded, on these days when I seem to have it all together, that the "cry of my heart [should be] to bring [Him] praise". The most important thing is not my success. When I get ready for bed, I should not be asking myself: "Did I have a good today? What did I accomplish today? How did I benefit today?" But rather, "God, are you glorified through me and how can I glorify You more? How did You use me to bless others today? And how can I love others with Your love tomorrow?"

I should rejoice in God's majesty and blessings! When good things happen, my immediate response should be to thank God and to praise him.

So, back to the first paragraph... Yep, I'm missing something. I'm missing God being the center of my life. Yes, I'm a Christian. But we can be Christians without living sold out for God. We can be Christians without being fully on fire and completely in love with God. And that's sad. So I'm urging you tonight to remember why you're here. Why you are pressing on in this complicated thing called life. Why you're even a Christian!

Remember back to the moment (or moments) you realized you were a desperate sinner and needed God above anything else. Remember how poor, lost, broken, and hopeless you were and felt. Go ahead. It's okay to feel it. But not for too long. Because you are no longer like that! Rejoice in the fact that God sent his son to pay the highest ransom (death!) for you. And he would have died for you even if you were the only person in the world. What a wonderful realization that is. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 lists a multitude of sins that, if practiced, do not lead to heaven. But verse eleven says, "Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." So rejoice. You've been set free! This is a call to remember what Christ did for us and to look forward to what he will do in providing heaven. This mindset keeps us focused on what really matters every day.

Live like Christ died yesterday, rose this morning, and is coming back tomorrow.

Letter of Life

Poetry Number Six

A Reluctant but Necessary Letter of Life for Many People

~~~---~~~---~~~---~~~---~~~---~~~

To the one who needs compassion and hope,

I am here with open arms.

To the one who hides the pain with joking, but hurts inside,

Let me show you my Creator.

To the one who wants to believe God's word, but isn't able,

See how He's changing my life.

To the one with unanswered questions and uncalmed fears,

Might I awaken you to God's healing.

To the one with broken promises, broken hearts, and empty souls,

Jesus's yoke is light and his burden is easy.

To the one with all the right answers and perfect responses, but who doesn't read beyond the lines,

Ask for peace.

To the one who desires to help, but without the capacity to do,

Just being available is the biggest help.

To the one with a deep desire for God and seeing things change here,

Do not neglect your Father's grace.

To the one with words beyond all measure,

Stop and Think.

To the one who already has an unfair advantage,

Press the brake and slide onto the back burner.

Set Your Mind

Ever gone through your daily life, all the eating, breathing, talking, playing, preparing, interacting, doing, and sleeping of it - without a distinct focus in life? Trying to survive instead of actually living? Kindof "floating" through life instead of enjoy it? Or maybe always waiting for the next event, the next conversation, the next 'high'?

I know, right? Like, every day?

During the school year, especially, or whenever I'm particularly busy - I tend to zone out from my goal. I forget the constant impact that I have on other people. I forget my goal in life. I become like a zombie - just skating through life instead of living it.

Hey, people, this isn't the purpose in life!! Go live life! Go enjoy it!

And, remember, life is not pointless. Colossians 3:1-2 says, "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

Focus on God. Live with him in mind.

Still a Child?

Last night, I was in the bathroom thinking (as I do sometimes), and my eye fell on the brown rectangular bath mat, the one you step on when you step out of the shower. Imprinted onto the thick rug was the perfect shape of a foot. I sat there, marveling at how big and broad that foot impression was. It must have come from a gigantic foot, my older step-brother's most likely.

So I stood and tested the size of my foot against the gigantic imprint. I wanted to see how much bigger it was than my foot.

But sure enough, when I tested the foot, it came back exactly the same size as mine. Suddenly, the childish curiousity I felt was replaced by a calm, adult feeling. It seemed that I was a "big girl" now. My feet were huge! And I patted myself on the back and told myself that I was a lot older than I gave myself credit for.

I'm 18! A college freshman! A legal adult in many cases. I'm old enough to smoke, buy lottery tickets, fight for my country, and buy things online and by phone.

Then I thought about the day's events and didn't feel like an adult anymore. Some accidentally misguided directions left me lost in a new city today. A passive confrontation between two parties left me the unfortunate and reluctant mediator. A friendly, laughable conversation left me wondering if the other person really respected who I am. I felt, suddenly, like a lost child inside the body of an 18-year-old adult.

I think God reminds us that we're young to remind us that we're his. See, the thing about children is that they can't take care of themselves and they need someone to care for them. And the thing about human beings is that we need someone. We need someone (Jesus) to take our place and die for us so we wouldn't have to suffer the consequences of our sins - being forever separated from God and all that is good.

I'm over my emotional rollercoaster middle school days - but I still cry sometimes. I hope it's mostly because of joy, but sometimes I do cry because of sadness, disappointment, fear, and uncertainty. Yes, it hurts to cry. It hurts to feel those deep feelings. But you know what? They remind us that we always need God - he's our rock, our strong tower. And God is always there. Without God, I'd be like an orphaned child. I'd have no hope, no strength, and no small, peaceful voice ringing in my ears songs of joy and verses of guidance.