It's almost humorous. My mom and stepdad both got off work early today and drove to a nice furniture store about an hour or two away. They dropped my little brother off with me. So, he and I got suitcases down from the attic by ourselves, which was a great feat for my acrophobic brother. I packed up one of the suitcases to take back to school with me for two weeks. Then I asked him to come out with me to the "shop" behind our house to look for a bottle of car wash, since I was considering washing my car. During this time, my mom called, suggested we order pizza, and told me where the bathing suits were. We couldn't find any car wash, but my brother suggested using every kind of wax and polish and degreaser that my stepdad owns. I called my mom again and asked where to order pizza, and the only place nearby doesn't deliver and is really sketch (which my mom assured me was fine, but I disagreed).
And then I got frustrated. I remembered that I had wanted to get my car washed somewhere professionally, since I wanted it vacuumed as well. It frustrated me that I didn't remember that before I lugged my brother outside to help me look for a bottle of car wash. It frustrated me that I was hot and tired and sweaty and now wouldn't be able to wash my car. It frustrated me that my brother wanted pizza and I wasn't about to go to the sketchy pizza place alone. I just felt very frustrated and bothered and anxious.
Anxious for what?
I wanted someone to be there. Someone to put a hand on my shoulder and say, "It's okay, it's okay. This is not a big deal. You can get your car washed another time." Someone to give me a hug and tell me that they'll go get pizza. Someone to say, "Hey, I've got this."
Is that crazy?
This is something I should be able to handle on my own. And God proves to me everyday that he's with me. And that he's got everything under control.
I guess this is another reminder that I'm ready live on my own yet. I'm not ready to get married. I'm not ready to plan meals or raise a family or take care of other people or be independent yet. And I feel ridiculous saying that. I mean, I'm the adult in this situation, right? But I guess it's okay, even a good thing, that I'm not ready to be on my own yet. I've still got 3 more years in college living on campus. I bet I've got between four and ten years until marriage comes knocking on my door. I've got time. For once, that seems like a very nice thing to have.
When I was younger, I was always waiting. Waiting to get my braces off, waiting to go to high school, waiting to get a driver's license, waiting to get a car, waiting to get a job, waiting to get asked out on a date (still hasn't happened), waiting to graduate, waiting to go to college... And I guess I'm still waiting. Waiting for my next paycheck, waiting for the summer, waiting to move up a year in school, waiting to get asked out, waiting for my final grades to be posted online... It's just at this point in my life, I'm okay to wait. God wants to do something during this period of waiting.
I realized earlier that God wants to do something great in me and through me before there's a guy in my life. Sometime during this past semester I forgot about that and got all sidetracked. It's a little disheartening to look back and say, "Wow, if only I had remembered what God wanted to do! How would things have looked different?" Now, though, I can look forward and say, "How will things look different now that I'm reminding myself of what God wants to do?"
So, while God has done and is doing great things through my singleness, I'm also considering: what is God doing while I'm in this awkward stage between childhood and adulthood? Well, for one, he's teaching me what it looks like to be an adult. What it looks like to do things alone, and how I'm never really alone.
At the very beginning of my first semester of college, my car broke down, and my mom and stepdad drove the roll-back (like a tow-truck) two hours in the pouring rain to get my car and take me out to dinner. I was grateful that they came, but I was upset that I couldn't handle the situation on my own. My mom told me that of course I couldn't handle my broke-down car by myself, that I wasn't meant to. Then she gave me some advice that has really stuck with me...
Being an adult doesn't mean you don't ask for help. It simply means knowing who to ask and when to ask them for help.
Yeah, even adults are not meant to do it alone. It's not a measure of adulthood if I can accomplish everything myself. Obviously, becoming confident and competent mean that I'm an adult. But another measure of adulthood is my being interdependent: self-sufficient, but able to relate to adults as adults. Knowing where to appropriately find help, not doing everything without help.
And, another thing, God never called us to completely independent. He created us to know and love and need each other. That's the beauty of people. They're messy (oh, so messy!) but worthwhile. Relationships are so important and necessary to life. The good news is that God did not stick us on this earth to live alone. He gave us people, fellow believers, even. He gave us his Holy Spirit, who will be with us and in us forever. And he gave us immediate, direct contact to himself, through prayer because Jesus died and rose again for us.
So, in the end, I'm never really alone. Maybe this was just a slightly humorous, frustratingly obvious way to make me see that. Now, if you'll excuse me, my little brother and I are going to go play a board game. :)
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