Doing It Alone (Part Two)

Yesterday, after finishing up a very long post about how I was never meant to go at life alone, I got a crazy idea to make breakfast for dinner for my little brother and me. I fried bacon (which could have been a little more crispy), made cheese grits, toast, and cereal. I was starting to get a little prideful, when all of a sudden a crack of thunder shook the house and knocked the power out. The rain outside the kitchen window was blinding. And I was home alone with a thirteen year old boy who was afraid of the dark.

Thanks, God.

Again, reminding me that I can't do it alone, my older stepbrother and his friend came home from the Fire department (where my stepbrother is a regular volunteer). Together, we found candles and lit them. My stepbrother got the oil lantern from our parents' room, lit it, and proceeded to give me instructions on how to use it (which was definitely humorous, considering he didn't know how to use it either). He made sure the kitchen, living room, and bathroom were adequately lit and asked if we needed anything. It was all very nonchalant and simple, but I appreciated it. They even taught my little brother some wrestling moves, just for fun. (I was just afraid they were going to knock down a candle and set the house on fire.) They stayed for a while before leaving again.

I can't do it alone. I would be lying if I said my stepbrother coming home to check on us and the house didn't make me feel any safer. And I felt even better when my mom came home about twenty-minutes later. It's weird to say, but I wasn't completely satisfied until my stepdad came home just a few minutes later. The funny thing is, right after he got home and found a flashlight, the power came back on.

There's something to be said for trusting other people. I've been rereading the Eldridge's book Captivating recently and it hits me hard every time I pick it up. This morning, I read about the two ways women try to deal with their wounds: becoming either dominating or desolate. The dominating woman hides behind everything she has to do. She becomes busy. She seems successful - she could be a CEO or chairman of the PTA or president of Key Club (sound familiar?). But inside, she's hurting. She's hiding. The desolate woman throws herself at men. She doesn't have a handle on who she is and often falls into abusive situations. She doesn't go for it; she doesn't go for anything. Inside, she's hurting, too. This is what women are told: "Hide your vulnerability. Hide your heart. You aren't safe."

We women are told that we aren't enough, and that we're too much, at the same time. And because of that, we tend to fall into two categories. Dominating or desolate. I see a little of myself in both. I get and stay busy. Last semester, I was stressed on multiple occasions (okay, pretty much every week). And that's the way I lived: one week at a time. Where was my time for rest? Where was my time to have fun with friends? To stay late and pray with someone? To open my heart to what God wanted to say? No, I had to be busy. I had to move from one thing to the next. I couldn't open my heart. I didn't have time.

Why?

For many reasons. One of which is that I think I can't trust people. It's easy to stay busy. To glance at a watch when things get too emotional or vulnerable and say, "I hate it, but I have to run." It's hard to trust. It's easy to run on a time schedule.

Being a woman is not being weak. It's being vulnerable. It's being humble. It's being gracefully strong. It's being gentle. It's being true. It's being adventurous. Somewhere along the line, I missed this. I decided to be busy. There's nothing alluring and inviting in a constantly busy and lonely woman. I use the word lonely because when you're constantly running, you're not relaxing in the company of friends.

Proverbs 11:16 says, "A woman of gentle grace gets respect..."

And I urge you to live in that place of gentle grace. It's beautiful. I'm learning to be real with people. It's taken 8 or 9 months to see that the people who really love me won't leave when I'm real with them. To confide in a friend pain I'm feeling, pain that is honest and raw and deep and messy, and for them to stay beside me and walk with me through it... That's the blessing that comes from being real with people. I'm learning how to do that. How to trust people. It's so hard! But it's so worth it. We were not meant to do this alone. We think we can. We think that since we were messed up and broken and lied to when we were little, people cannot be trusted anymore. So we put up walls. And one of my walls is busyness.

Sisters and brothers, I urge you. Go to God first. When your heart aches, go to Him before anything and anyone else. Give Him your ache. Let Him take it. Lay it at his feet and let Him pick you up and hold you in His arms.

And when He's held for you for longer than you think you need to be held, watch for the people He's placing in your life who will walk with you step-by-step through the healing. Yeah, healing takes time. Usually it's messier than anything you've seen before. But don't forget this one thing...

You were never meant to do this alone.