Provision Despite Worry

My first semester of college was tough, to say the least. As a rule-follower and structure-oriented person, I couldn't handle hallmates heading on late-night Taco Bell runs, running late to class, or feeling overwhelmed with the amount of free-for-all homework that was being assigned. I struggled my freshman year with feeling like the stress was up to my eyeballs.

One night early in that year, my RA (resident assistant) came into my room to chat or do roomcheck or something and asked me how I was doing. It was so great to have the chance to tell someone how I was feeling. I had my Bible with me (probably doing chapter summaries or something) and she asked me to turn to Matthew chapter six.

I grew up in Sunday School, I thought. I know where she's going with this. And I was right, she pointed out verse 25 and following.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

- Matthew 6:25-33, NLT

A little over two years ago, I still remember that conversation. Even though I "knew" the passage she was referring to, I did not really know it. I had not really experienced it. Sure, times were hard financially and emotionally after my parents' divorce when my mom was single. Money was tight, but God provided. I never feared that we wouldn't have a roof over our heads and food in our fridge. As a child, I never knew how much we really didn't have. Up until that semester, my needs were pretty much met.

However, going to college was a new experience. A change. Have I mentioned how much I don't like change? (I even wrote a post entitled "I Hate Change" in August 2010... oh goodness.) Anyway, this change, this new experience, has been fantastic, but it has also been challenging. For example, that first year, I was terribly afraid I would not have enough time to do my homework. I sacrificed time with good friends because I feared not finishing an assignment. As time went on, I feared other things. First, it was: would I be able to make friends? Later: would I have enough nice clothes to wear to work? Would I be able to finish this project? Would I be able to serve effectively here or there? Would I be able to end this relationship, if needed, and heal from it, if necessary? Would I be able to go through counseling (and would it actually help)? Would I be able to make it in another country? Would I be able to find my identity in Christ?

And most recently, my worry has been: Do I have enough money? Can I afford this?
I think it's a bit ironic that Matthew writes that "you cannot serve both God and money" exactly one verse before the passage my RA shared with me. In addition, the examples Matthew uses as things people worry about are food, drink, and clothing. All money-related items. It seems as if God is pretty serious when it comes to relying on him over money. That's why Jesus said that it is "easier for a camel to go through an eye of a needle than for a rich person to go to heaven" (Matthew 19:24). If we depend on our money, we are not depending on God. "Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven," Matthew writes.

Yet despite God's consistent warnings, we still need money to survive. I'm going on the five-meal plan at my college this coming semester. That means that I will only get five meals per week in the cafeteria. The other meals I will cook or eat out. From the money my parents are saving by this room and board option, they will be giving me a chunk (for groceries) and saving the rest. I'm going to need that grocery money. But I don't have to worry about it. God will provide, though my parents and through his provision.

It's interesting, though, that God will always provide. And if he doesn't? It just means he has better plans. My black dress flats had started to show serious signs of wear this past semester, and the heel of one is falling apart now. I needed to buy a new pair before I completed observations at a local school in January. Yesterday, I just got so worried about getting a new pair of shoes at a price I could afford that I literally started tearing up in the car. It was actually kindof ridiculous how worried I was.

In that moment, my RA's advice rang through my head. Matthew chapter six. Do not "worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?" And "do not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough trouble of its own." 

You know what? God will provide impromptu shopping trips and shoes on sale. He will, I promise. :) But that's not the point here. The point is that He is all we need. Seek Him first, and he will provide.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

-  Matthew 6:33, KJV

What I'm Listening To:

"Nothing But the Blood" - Matt Redman
"My Story" - Addison Road
"Search My Heart" - Hillsong
"All We Need" - Charlie Hall
"You Never Let Go" - Matt Redman

Love Yourself: Advice for Christians, Not Hippies

In a song expressing a couple getting back together and renewing their relationship, Lifehouse sings the following lines about the female in the relationship...

She said, "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see,"
She said, "Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I must be honest. When I first heard this song, I thought it was ridiculous, for a number of reasons. I asked myself several pointed questions about the song:

1. Where are the guys who would work to maintain a relationship like this? Who would actually listen to things like that?
2. Where are the girls who would work to maintain a relationship like this? Who would actually say things like that?
3. What does it mean to "love yourself" and aren't we supposed to put ourselves last? 

I still haven't reached any conclusion as to the first two questions, but I want to focus this post on the third question. What does it mean to "love yourself" and aren't we supposed to put ourselves last?

I think that for many people who have grown up in the church, the idea of focusing on yourself is "bad" or "wrong." I do not want to bash the church, but I think having come into this place of semi-adulthood, I am able to take a step back and look at my earlier years. One thing I learned through this taking a step back process is that I was taught at an early age to give up of myself, almost to the point of self-deprecation. 

For example, it was a painful experience for me to realize that I mattered exquisitely to the Creator of the universe. I'm sure my parents told me that I was beautiful, but the idea that I am a lovely creation of the Most High is something I am still grasping. I'm sure I was praised for accomplishments as a child, but when I realized that pride in a good job is not wrong, it blew my mind. When I learned that making excuses and deflecting compliments is a horrible way to act when praised, I was surprised. Isn't it Christian to say something like "No, it was all God" or "Psh, I didn't do anything" when we are complimented after a performance or presentation?

No, it is not. God made you; we all know that. So take delight in what he's done in you instead of belittling yourself. We can love ourselves by respecting ourselves, by taking delight in the good things about ourselves and by changing or learning to appreciate (not dwelling on) the things we don't like about ourselves.

I am also learning that "loving yourself" refers to the adjectives and verbs in 1 Corinthians 13. It means being and doing those things both to yourself and to other people. The first way Paul describes love in 1 Corinthians 13 is patient. Are you patient with yourself? I think that is where most of us get stuck. There are many times when I simply cannot figure out the homework assignment, or I do a pretty bad job at time management the week a paper is due, or I struggle with repetitive sin for a while. And in those moments, I lose patience with myself. I become upset. I may verbally hate on myself. I may say things to myself that I would never say to other people. This refers to a second characteristic of love.

Gary Habermas, a professor at Liberty University, says, "Most of your pain does not come from what happens to you. It comes from how you download what happens to you." Most of our pain comes from how we interpret what happens and what we tell ourselves about what happens. The second way Paul describes love is kind. We frequently hear sermons about saying kind things to other people, but are we saying kind things to ourselves? Or we filling our minds and hearts with negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves?

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I hope I've been able to begin to illustrate that the advice to "love yourself" does not have to be emotional or self-seeking advice for non-believers or hippies, but it can be taken for Christians as well. I want to discuss more ways 1 Corinthians chapter 13 can be applied to ourselves, but I do not have the time. Please stay tuned for my thoughts on demanding your own way, forgiving yourself, enduring, and hoping for yourself.

The Lord, My Husband

Hosea 2:14-16 and 19, speaking of God restoring the unfaithful nation of Israel:

'But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes,' says the Lord, 'you will call me "my husband" instead of "my master." .... I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.'

Can you say beautiful? Sinful, rebellious, unfaithful Israel, restored to her king and lover. And represented by Hosea marrying, and then returning to rescue multiple times, his adulterous wife. It's amazing.

I've been thinking recently about God as my lover or husband. It's kindof a strange idea, especially after so many Sunday School lessons where Jesus was presented as a best friend or Father-figure. When I moved up to high school ministry, the same presentation was applied. There was little mention, as far as I can remember, of Jesus being a lover. (Some of my pastors strayed away from Song of Solomon, too, if you get my gist.)

But God definitely is a lover. You can't read Hosea without seeing that. Last month, I wrote a post referencing a verse from Exodus in which Moses tells the Israelites that God is jealous for a relationship with them, his chosen people. In a later post, I reflected on God being jealous for a relationship with me. And you.

There's such a distinct connection between God's love and human love. Granted, God's love is always unconditional even when human love is not, but one helps to explain the other. An older friend once told me that she began to understand God's love for her more clearly as she experienced the love her husband had for her. It makes sense. Another friend explained relationships by saying that God gives us friendships and romantic relationships to illustrate and help us understand the relationship God wants to have with us. Since we can see and physically touch other people, our responses to them are typically more "natural" (although maybe that's the wrong word) than with God, whom we cannot see or touch. There is a physical metaphor to almost every spiritual occurrence (e.g. run the good race, warfare, discipline, etc) - and human relationships are a metaphor for our relationship with God.

Oddly enough, diving deeper into a connection like this with God has got me desiring a dating relationship. It seems strange that this enlightenment about God's love would reawaken my longing for love, but only until I realize that God created love. It's normal. It's good. How can the God of the universe who sent his only Son to die for me not inspire love? How can I respond to him in any other way but love, when I realize that while I was yet a sinner, steeped in filth, he loved me first and he rescued me simply because he wanted to, simply because he considered me valuable?

And that makes me desire something deep and beautiful: a dating relationship with a guy that is, of course, fun and affectionate, but is also genuine. Real and compassionate. Supportive, poetic, and ridiculously adventurous. Where God is so central and so overwhelming to the relationship that people watching us just can't help but feel Him. Where we are our own persons, but we become something stronger together. A relationship in which physical boundaries are tightly drawn. A relationship where I can stop trying, controlling, and wanting to manipulate, and just enjoy. A place where vulnerability is necessary and trust is required. Something with possibilities. Something that leads to marriage. I mean, dating that doesn't have the possibility of heading toward marriage is a bit pointless, don't you think?

Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Maybe that sort of thing doesn't happen anymore. Maybe it's just for movies. I looked up synonyms for "romantic," and alongside words like affectionate, amorous, and aphrodisiac, I saw impractical, unrealistic, unusual, and Utopian. But something in me, something deeply embedded in my soul, tells me that the love I desire is not impossible. It's confirmed by the beautiful heart of my Savior.

So, I'm waiting. But (cue John Waller), while I'm waiting, I'm not complaining. Okay, I'm not trying to complain... Haha. But it's not so much waiting as it is letting God have his way with me. What is God doing in me? Well, for one, he's showing me how faithful he is. He has been doing that since Easter, and I love watching him work as he reveals faithfulness after faithfulness. Another thing God is doing is showing me his love. He's pouring out love, through friends and experiences and moments like two nights ago when I just spent a while in surrender and worship and prayer. And I have realized that God is not finished yet. Every time I think he is, he draws me through another challenge just to convince that there's more I have yet to learn! And I'm learning what it means to get excited about those things God is about. I'm learning to listen to his heart and see people the way he sees them. And I have the freedom to do what he's asking without hesitation - I'm not tied to any guy... which is both a humbling and freeing thought.

The Lord is my husband, my Savior, my lover. I'm excited about knowing and loving him as such, even though I have no idea how to do it. But I am learning, ever so slowly. And God is working. I am overwhelmed only by His love.

God, Why is it so hard to...

...trust you?
Why is it so hard to just let go?
Why is it so hard to give it all to you?
Why is it so hard to place my life in your hands?

I can give you one issue. I can ask you one question. I can reveal to you one wound.
But you can't have all of me.
Why?

There are so many things coming up that I'm unsure about. Maybe it takes an unsure moment to demonstrate trust, to develop faith.
My Sunday School days taught me that faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". It's ringing in my ears because someone taught me years ago.
But, in all practicality, how can I be certain of what I cannot see? That's like saying, "I'm certain there's a little village over that hill." How can I say that? Because in Disney movies, there's always a little village on the other side of a hill? Because I want there to be a little village over there? Because someone told me there's a village - I just haven't seen it with my own eyes yet?
I'm going to go with the last one.

God, you told me you'd never leave me nor forsake me (Joshua 1:9 - another gem from Sunday School). You told me to be strong and courageous. You told me you would supply every need I have (Phillipians 4:19). You told me your grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). Do I believe You? God, my amazing, incredible, outstanding, extraordinary, Almighty God... Do I believe you?
Why not?

If the Creator of the universe promised He loved you and would never leave you, would you believe him?
Yes, outside circumstances might prompt you to doubt. It's normal to doubt. We put a lot of stock into what our parents do, and the abandonment of a parent might cause you to fret about God one day abandoning you. That's normal.
But God is not normal. He's super-normal, supernatural, and phenomenal. His word is final and absoute. 2 Samuel 22:31 says, "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." 1 Kings 8:56 tells of a specific example, "Praise be to the LORD, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses."

1 Chronicles 16:10-17 explains,

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,

O descendants of Israel his servant, O sons of Jacob, his chosen ones.

He is the LORD our God; his judgments are in all the earth.

He remembers his covenant forever, the word he commanded, for a thousand generations,

the covenant he made with Abraham, the oath he swore to Isaac.

He confirmed it to Jacob as a decree, to Israel as an everlasting covenant...

If you can't trust God, whose words are documented and verified a thousand times over, who can you trust?