Provision Despite Worry

My first semester of college was tough, to say the least. As a rule-follower and structure-oriented person, I couldn't handle hallmates heading on late-night Taco Bell runs, running late to class, or feeling overwhelmed with the amount of free-for-all homework that was being assigned. I struggled my freshman year with feeling like the stress was up to my eyeballs.

One night early in that year, my RA (resident assistant) came into my room to chat or do roomcheck or something and asked me how I was doing. It was so great to have the chance to tell someone how I was feeling. I had my Bible with me (probably doing chapter summaries or something) and she asked me to turn to Matthew chapter six.

I grew up in Sunday School, I thought. I know where she's going with this. And I was right, she pointed out verse 25 and following.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

- Matthew 6:25-33, NLT

A little over two years ago, I still remember that conversation. Even though I "knew" the passage she was referring to, I did not really know it. I had not really experienced it. Sure, times were hard financially and emotionally after my parents' divorce when my mom was single. Money was tight, but God provided. I never feared that we wouldn't have a roof over our heads and food in our fridge. As a child, I never knew how much we really didn't have. Up until that semester, my needs were pretty much met.

However, going to college was a new experience. A change. Have I mentioned how much I don't like change? (I even wrote a post entitled "I Hate Change" in August 2010... oh goodness.) Anyway, this change, this new experience, has been fantastic, but it has also been challenging. For example, that first year, I was terribly afraid I would not have enough time to do my homework. I sacrificed time with good friends because I feared not finishing an assignment. As time went on, I feared other things. First, it was: would I be able to make friends? Later: would I have enough nice clothes to wear to work? Would I be able to finish this project? Would I be able to serve effectively here or there? Would I be able to end this relationship, if needed, and heal from it, if necessary? Would I be able to go through counseling (and would it actually help)? Would I be able to make it in another country? Would I be able to find my identity in Christ?

And most recently, my worry has been: Do I have enough money? Can I afford this?
I think it's a bit ironic that Matthew writes that "you cannot serve both God and money" exactly one verse before the passage my RA shared with me. In addition, the examples Matthew uses as things people worry about are food, drink, and clothing. All money-related items. It seems as if God is pretty serious when it comes to relying on him over money. That's why Jesus said that it is "easier for a camel to go through an eye of a needle than for a rich person to go to heaven" (Matthew 19:24). If we depend on our money, we are not depending on God. "Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven," Matthew writes.

Yet despite God's consistent warnings, we still need money to survive. I'm going on the five-meal plan at my college this coming semester. That means that I will only get five meals per week in the cafeteria. The other meals I will cook or eat out. From the money my parents are saving by this room and board option, they will be giving me a chunk (for groceries) and saving the rest. I'm going to need that grocery money. But I don't have to worry about it. God will provide, though my parents and through his provision.

It's interesting, though, that God will always provide. And if he doesn't? It just means he has better plans. My black dress flats had started to show serious signs of wear this past semester, and the heel of one is falling apart now. I needed to buy a new pair before I completed observations at a local school in January. Yesterday, I just got so worried about getting a new pair of shoes at a price I could afford that I literally started tearing up in the car. It was actually kindof ridiculous how worried I was.

In that moment, my RA's advice rang through my head. Matthew chapter six. Do not "worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?" And "do not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough trouble of its own." 

You know what? God will provide impromptu shopping trips and shoes on sale. He will, I promise. :) But that's not the point here. The point is that He is all we need. Seek Him first, and he will provide.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

-  Matthew 6:33, KJV

What I'm Listening To:

"Nothing But the Blood" - Matt Redman
"My Story" - Addison Road
"Search My Heart" - Hillsong
"All We Need" - Charlie Hall
"You Never Let Go" - Matt Redman

Plans are for Wimps

I have completed a successful first week of my junior year. Successful by His providence alone! 

Keep reading to see why plans are for wimps.

I began reading Jesus Calling by Sarah Young at the beginning of this week. Maintaining a consistent devotional time, while difficult during the hectic school semester, is vitally important. Obviously, some days are better than others, but it's not important that we stick to a firm schedule with absolute laws, but rather that we meet to commune with the Lord. (By the way, if you're looking for ideas, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers is what I read last year, and I highly recommend it.)

Anyway, Jesus Calling is themed as if Jesus himself were speaking to the reader. Here is today's selection...

I don't know if you know this yet, but I am a HUGE planner. I plan everything. Sometimes it's a bit annoying.  I love to plan, to organize, to structure, to consolidate and make things more efficient. This is a good gift, I'm told, but it is also a weakness for me. 

The line from this devotional reading that caught me is: "Your natural preference is to plan out your day; knowing what will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed." In my natural desire and normal gift to plan and prepare and organize, I often miss what God wants to do. Yes, there is a need for structure and other administrative gifts, but there is also a time to (depending on your theology)  let randomness take it's course, or to let providence have it's prominence. 

See, God is all about doing things that probably do not and will not make sense to us. Often, it's later (or sometimes never) that he reveals how things are working together. Remember, of course, that He works all things together for those who love him and who are called according to his purposes. 

Take for example: today. After reading through this devotional and praying that I would "depend on God for my direction," (a little half-heartedly, I might add), I went about my day as usual. I knew I wanted to go to the women's soccer game on campus at 5pm. So, with my roommate, I did. And then we went to Ingles and spent way too much time buying too many things we didn't need. All of that was planned and normal and comfort-zone.

Then we went through the McDonalds drive-through to get a snack, and lo and behold, my automatic window broke. I couldn't roll it down! So I ambled through the drive-through like a nerd with a broken window. On the way back, I realized a lovely spider friend had joined us in the car! Like I said, I couldn't roll my window down! Of. Course.

When we got back to campus, my roommate suggested we go play piano and sing in the small chapel, so we went ahead and spent some time in worship. While we were out, we also visited the coffeeshop (which was closed) and the student lounge (which contained some Star Wars fans during an episode marathon).

And then we happened upon a group of freshman sitting in a circle with some guitars. We passed by them earlier and sang a song with them, but I was convinced I didn't want to stay there. When we passed by the second time, my roommate promised we would just spend five minutes singing with them. 

Those five minutes turned in one hour! My roommate invited them to our terrace. We gave them hot tea and talked about life and fun experiences. We invited them to evening prayer that my roommate hosts and we added them on Facebook. It was completely unplanned. I didn't even want to hang out with them, but I found myself enjoying their company and really wanting to get to know each of them. 

What is the chance that I could rely on my roommate's friendliness and on God's provision to actually enjoy this weirdly-awesome change of plans? Uh, actually, it's not chance. It is totally the plans of God. See, when I let go of my plans, God does some awesome things, like putting a few awesome people into my life. Yes, I'm an introvert. Yes, I need structure. Yes, I need plans. But, like the devotional says, growing strong in my weakness (and these things can be weaknesses at times), is a process of relying on God to give me strength when He has called me to things I feel like I can't do.

We are strong when we rely on His strength. We don't have to worry when we rely on His plans. So, it's okay to make some plans, but do so with flexibility, because God loves to shake them up!

My Disappointments

To me, true beauty is being able to take something that looks like a mess and turn it into something good. And God does that well!

I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life that I don't have time to worry about it. It's so amazing that God can use my disappointments to strengthen and prepare me, encourage others, and glorify Him. :)

I had been praying for God to provide guidance and direction and peace in a certain aspect of my life, but it wasn't until I made the conscious effort to give this thing to God that I really saw him working and heard him speak. And when I gave him full control of this issue, he did something wonderful - He took it away from me. I know what you're thinking: What?! How could God take that away from her? For a while, I was really disappointed. This was something I wanted, and had wanted for a while, and God removed it from my life. But I had given it to God. I realized that I couldn't just take it back from God now. It belonged to him. It had already belonged to him, I was just giving him control. I was relinquishing my futile grasp on what already belonged to him. I was saying that I would no longer try to manipulate circumstances or people that I honestly couldn't control.

God taking this from me was probably the best thing he could have done, obviously. I mean, I had prayed for God to show me that I could trust his plan and purpose and for an understanding of his guidance and future and desire to give me what is best for me. I've realized that when God wants to teach me something, he doesn't just show me, he puts me in a circumstance where I will have to learn it. So, to teach me that he always does what is best for me, he took this thing I thought I needed out of my grasp. To teach me that he is reliable and dependable and trustworthy, he placed me in a situation where the people I thought I could depend on let me down, and the people I didn't really want to trust were the ones who stuck by me throughout the situation. See, God knows me better than I know myself, and he knows what I need and what I want, what I long for and what he desires for me. And God allows trials and difficult circumstances in my life to strengthen, prepare, encourage, and grow me. He has a reason for allowing the hurt that comes from both my mistakes and outside influences.

So, yeah, it hurts that at the end of the day, this issue doesn't pop up. It hurts that things have changed. But, at the same time, it's a blessing that I no longer have to control this. It's a blessing that God is in control of my life. It's a blessing that I don't have to worry about what's going on anymore. Because Christ died for me - and all I can do is give myself to him as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:2). God can do infinitely more than we might ask or imagine if we are willing to give him our first and our full (Ephesians 3:20).

I realized that I would make a mess of my life if I held on to it. I realized that I would ruin everything if I jumped ahead before God called me. But waiting for God to lead me only means that he has something SO much better for me and that if I wait on him, he will bring it into my life at the perfect time.

Why not trust God with your life and your joys and your disappointments? He knows what's going to happen! He has a great and wonderful plan, and when you trust him, he can do wonderful things in you and through you for others.

Temple Tuesday

A few years ago, I started to read the book of Psalm, a chapter a day. I started with good intentions, but my plan fell through because I didn't feel like I could relate to the Psalms. David and the other authors of the Psalms wrote about lions, enemies on the hunt for them, wars, political strife, personal crises, and more. Personally, I wasn't being pursued by vicious enemies who wanted to torture and kill me.

Towards the end of this summer, however, I started reading Psalm again. And this time there was a huge difference. As I entered college, I began to identify these enemies David struggled with in my own life. Things like stress, worry, fear, and the feeling that surviving my challenges are impossible... Those are my "enemies". Those are the "people" who I feel are chasing me, hunting me, enveloping me.

For example, on my first day of classes, I was overwhelmed, God gave me the sixteenth chapter of Psalm. It was next in my regular reading schedule, but it really, really spoke to me. I was worried, and I was afraid, and David wrote the words I needed to make it through the day. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak these words to your heart.

Keep me safe, O God,
for I have come to you for refuge.
I said to the Lord, “You are my Master!
Every good thing I have comes from you.”
The godly people in the land
are my true heroes!
I take pleasure in them!
Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.
I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood
or even speak the names of their gods.

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.
You guard all that is mine.
The land you have given me is a pleasant land.
What a wonderful inheritance!
I will bless the Lord who guides me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I know the Lord is always with me.
I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
My body rests in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead
or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
You will show me the way of life,
granting me the joy of your presence
and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Psalm 16:1-11