Growing and Serving in This Season

[This is part three of a three part series.]


“You should never get married until you are first happy being single,” she said. At the time I took her word for it, although I really didn’t believe her. Less than ten years later, she did get married and is happily married to this day.


After going through the program herself, my mom led a few sessions of the DivorceCare program at our old church. One of the topics the curriculum discussed was remarriage after the divorce was final. The program encouraged the newly single people to remain single for a long time. Remarriage too quickly was usually a sign of either infidelity during the marriage or a marriage out of loneliness instead of love and commitment.


As a single person, my mom’s words still hold true for me. I think you shouldn’t enter a dating relationship until you are happy being single. Cloud and Townsend write, “If you must be dating or married in order to be happy, you are dependent, and you will never be happy with whatever person you find.” They suggest “curing” the aloneness first, then dating. Never use dating to try to cure the feeling of loneliness. Their steps for the cure include strengthening your relationship with God, strengthening your relationships with other Christians (a “safe and healthy” group of people known as your “support system”), having a “full life,” and working to repair brokenness in your spiritual and emotional life.


In this blog post, I want to focus on the idea of a “full life,” which Cloud and Townsend describe as including “spiritual growth, personal growth, vocational growth, altruistic service, hobbies, intellectual growth, and the like.” In part one of this series of singleness, I mentioned the importance of college, career, and ministry as places to put your time and focus while you are single. At this stage in my life, for example, I can be anything. I have so many opportunities, so many chances to take risks and explore and try out new things that I really wouldn’t have if I was married and settling down. College, especially, is like that. Here’s a time when you are almost on your own, where you can do so much. Think of this time in your life as an open horizon or blank page. It’s why I made my 30 before 30 list. It’s why I’m going to China this summer. It’s why I can stay up late writing blog posts (or get up early, in this case)!


Hint, hint: Living a “full life” makes you a more interesting person. It gives you things to do, so you’re not always on Facebook. It makes life worthwhile. It gives you opportunities to learn experientially and to practice what you’ve been learning. And think about it: Aren’t the people who do something with their lives a bit more attractive than those who sit around and eat potato chips?


Now, for some people, stress is something they hide behind. The more they are encouraged to do, the more they will take on, eventually overloading and harming themselves. Do not be that kind of person, but allow yourself to take risks and to try new things.


So, what are you doing with your life? A friend once asked, “If you could do anything and knew you could not fail, what would you do? And why aren’t you doing it?” I have always wanted to co-lead a small group at my college called a Barnabas Group. I will be able to apply to lead such a group towards the end of next semester and I’m really looking forward to it, although I am nervous about the application process and the actual leadership of a group of freshman. Likewise, I’m nervous about China this summer. Things have and are falling into place, so I know God’s got this, but it is still intimidating to go for something so challenging.


Yet, look at the other side, friends. After this summer (spending five weeks in Asia), and my junior year (hopefully co-leading a group of freshmen girls), what kind of person will emerge? A stronger, deeper, healthier, and more Christ-like person, that’s my prayer. I made a list a couple months ago of qualities I desired in my future husband, but also qualities that I would seek to reach as well. One such quality was the ability to attempt difficult things. Challenging things. Things like ministering overseas, but also things like becoming yourself.


I think too many of us are afraid of who really are, but like my psychology professor always says: “There must be a ‘me’ before there can be a ‘we’.”A Relevant Magazine article discusses the importance of singleness as it relates to your individuality: “Making the most of being single means being on your own. It’s just you and God. Being single is about discovering who you are, setting personal boundaries, knowing your likes and dislikes, your passions and the desires of your heart.”


Let me close with something God gave me over a year ago. My first semester of college, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before there was a guy in my life. I believe he gave me three ministry and life opportunities at that point in which to serve him through my singleness.


Recently I realized I do not have any of those three things in my life anymore. At first, I became upset and I wondered (completely selfishly) if God had somehow forgotten about me. Then I realized that either this meant God was moving me out of a stage of singleness or he was giving me new opportunities to serve him in my current season. Right now I’m going with the latter, and I’m finding hope in the fact that God doesn’t give us the next three or four steps for our lives at once. Usually, God opens one door at a time and sheds light on one stone in the pathway at once. This time, he’s giving me a trip to Asia this summer that I doubt I would take if I was in a serious relationship, among other things.


I’m also left wondering if I put a little too much emphasis on the “through me” part of God’s promise and forgot about the “in me” part. If I am not changed on the inside, molded to be more like him through the on-going process of sanctification, my outside actions are not going to look like him either. I also believe that your service, ministry, and vocation should come from what is inside you, meaning that what God wants to do in you is just as important as what he wants to do through you. Howard Thurman said, “Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”


If I’ve learned one thing recently, it’s that it is perfectly okay to need some time. It’s okay to ask God for help. It’s okay to need to spend some time working on your own heart. Let God begin to heal and restore you and stop fighting him. Ministering to others does not mean that you have to put God’s work in you on hold. Be moldable through your ministry.


Do something. Anything. Something challenging and maybe a bit risky. Something to benefit someone else. Love it and enjoy it. And grow closer and deeper in love with our amazing God. If it’s in his plans that you get married, you will, but better to do so while passionately in love with God, your friends, and your whole and full life, than desperate for someone to finally call your own.


Thanks for reading this three part blog series on singleness!
I have recently changed over to the new Blogger interface. Sorry about the huge line breaks - any help on how to change them would be appreciated. 

Learning From This Season

[This is part two of a three part series.]

During my one of two Old Testament classes in college, I studied 1 Samuel for the first time. Something I really enjoyed reading about was the movement from a theocracy to a monarchy in the nation of Israel in chapter eight.

Finally, all the elders of Israel met at Ramah to discuss the matter with Samuel. “Look,” they told him, “You are now old, and your sons are not like you. Give us a king to judge us like all the other nations have.”
Samuel was displeased with their request and went to the Lord for guidance. “Do everything they say to you,” the Lord replied, “for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don’t want me to be their king any longer. Ever since I brought them from Egypt they have continually abandoned me and followed other gods. And now they are giving you the same treatment. Do as they ask, but solemnly warn them about the way a king will reign over them.”

(1 Sam 8:4-9)

On first glance, this is a judge named Samuel being petitioned by his people to give them a king. However, after I continued to read and pay attention in class, I saw how some details from this circumstance could relate to singleness.

The idea of Israel being ruled by a king was not outrageous. Passages like Genesis 17:57, 35:11, and 49:10, among others, hint and anticipate at a “Theocratic Kingdom” in Israel’s future. Numbers 24:17 uses a synecdoche (English majors unite!) when it says that “a scepter will emerge from Israel.” I found this interesting, because the vast majority of my peers will get married. Most Christian college students do. I’ve also heard from a few friends who firmly believe they will get married, like one who told me that a lady she had met at a Christian camp came up to her one day and prayed specifically for her future husband. There is a kind of prophetic vision in both the incident with a king for Israel and a husband for my friend.

One reason not to date? Because “everyone else is doing it.” One of the two reasons given for Israel wanting a king is that “all the other nations have” one (v. 5). And let me tell you, to God, that’s not enough reason to want something. In addition, the people wanted a king who would fight for them in battles, although we know that God fought for them. Sometimes we need to realize that God can and is already filling the void we may think is empty without a significant other. God desires that we trust him and rely on him above and beyond the things we think we need, although we must not underestimate his power to provide.

Deuteronomy 17:14-15 says, “You are about to enter the land the Lord your God is giving you. When you take it over and settle there, you may think, ‘We should select a king to rule over us like the other nations around us.’ If this happens, be sure to select as king the man the Lord your God chooses…” The Israelites did just that. God made provision for his people to have a king. Depending on your views on free will, God caused or allowed Israel to desire a kingship and gave them the resources to go about getting one. That issue of desire is significant. I believe that God provides us with what we desire, but that he also creates in us the desire for certain things (Psalm 37:4). And I would say that the desire to date and get married is probably a desire God has given most of us, a desire God has placed in our hearts. All of that to say that desires are not wrong. (Yes, there are people called to singleness, but I believe God makes that clear to them.)

However, after reading verses seven and eight from 1 Samuel chapter 8, it seems as if it was wrong for the Israelites to desire a king. Those two verses are God telling Samuel to go ahead and give the Israelites a king, even though they are rejecting God and have abandoned him to follow other gods. Yet God still tells Samuel, even after Samuel questions God once more, to give the people what they are asking for. Is this hesitation on God’s part? I don’t think so. Yes, the Israelites were not doing a very good job at loving and worshipping their Redeemer and Rescuer, the Almighty God who led them out of Egypt. They went after other things in an attempt to be filled. But notice that God did provide a king for his people, a king he had chosen. I think this was God acting like the father he is. Matthew 7:11 says, “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.” God was aware that his children desired someone else to fill the “king” void that he was currently fulfilling for them, but I believe he wanted to give them a king.

Having a king did not make everything perfect for the Israelites. Getting married does not fix our problems, either. But the people of Israel chose a king God had ordained for them. We know that this king, Saul, was indwelled by the Holy Spirit (1 Sam 10:6) and that when David became king after Saul, the Holy Spirit indwelled him (1 Sam 16:12-14). Therefore, I believe it was God’s will that Israel have a king, even though they still had problems and issues. God had Samuel warn Israel about having a king and the difficulties that would arise out of a monarchy, and we should definitely consider the cost before dating and marrying. One thing this has taught me, though, is that while I should strive for wholeness, I don't have to be perfect to begin a relationship.

The difficult part comes in 1 Samuel 15:10, where it says that God was “sorry” he had made Saul king. The notes my professor gave us for the class state that “The people’s desire for a king was a mistake” and while I would hate to disagree with a PhD. (he’s a really nice guy, too), I have a hard time believing that desires can be “mistakes.” Desires can be sinful and acting on a sinful desire is wrong, but since God had made the provision for their future desire for a king and had not condemned the desire before (Deut 17:14), I would say that there was nothing wrong with this desire. In fact, the not-so-happy ending of Saul’s reign only made David’s reign something to look forward to and to enjoy that much more. Despite David’s sins, his rule was much more successful. Do not take this to mean that if you don’t like your spouse, you can get a divorce and marry another one (there are certainly Biblical grounds for divorce, although dislike is not one of them). Take it to mean that most people don’t marry the first person they date. And that's okay. My grandmother once told me I was practically required to date more than one guy. Since she only dated my grandpa, she was not as impressed and aware of his good qualities as she would have been if she had dated other guys who did not share those good qualities. She has a point, and it reminds me of something a friend once told me. After a difficult circumstance, she said, "Alex, God is just preparing you to be ready for the best."

The point of this post was to share what I learned about singleness from the story of the nation of Israel’s move from a theocracy to a monarchy: God's already got it figured out, "everyone else is doing it" is a bad reason, desires are not wrong, God is our father who gives us good things, marriage does not fix our problems (God wants to heal us), and don't settle for "okay," use it to be ready for the best. Strange that Israel's history would have comments on modern day singleness, huh?

Navigating This Season

[This is part one of a three part series.]

Maybe I’m just a biased, almost 20 year old college student, but none of these books or articles or websites or speakers on Christian singleness are really helping.

Last week, I found myself in the back of the library, sitting on a stepstool in the corner beside the “Devotional” section, hunched up and holding the book carefully so no who descended the stairs and rounded the corner could see the title. I held my breath whenever someone walked through the doorway to the stairs, hoping it wasn’t someone I knew. I spent an hour on that little stepstool (after I got my studying done, of course), reading books on chastity and singleness. It hasn’t been the easiest season of singleness recently, and I needed some kind of help that knew what it was talking about but wouldn’t judge and had time for me at 10:30 on a Sunday night. Enter the Christian experts shelved in my college’s library.

For the most part, I appreciated the comments. I found a good book by Lauren Winner, which I didn’t have time to read in its entirety. However, most of the books I located were published in the early 90’s (which isn’t surprising for my small college’s library), but I have a feeling things may have changed just a bit in the last 20 years.

Coming home for Christmas break, I found my huge collection of books I’ve loved, as well as those I just haven’t had time to read yet. In the want-to-read-but-haven’t-yet pile, I found many books, including the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (Harris) and “I Gave Dating a Chance” (Clark) dichotomy, as well as “Boundaries in Dating” and “Lady in Waiting,” not to mention my “Wild at Heart” and “Captivating” bookshelf back at school. So, why do I have all these books? Because the books from high school (like “Dateable”) aren’t cutting it for the college student I have become. Because if I’m honest with myself, marriage is no longer foreign and far away. Suddenly I find myself almost twenty and searching for a few answers.

Let me clue you in. This is what I’m looking at right now:

1. Being single, I can devote more of my time to ministry than to a boyfriend/husband/family (1 Corinthians 7:34)
2. This season of life can be used to plan for the next. There should be an enjoyment of this season with anticipation for the next season, but not a focus on it (Ecclesiastes 3).
3. The desire for dating and marriage is not inherently wrong, and I would do well to find a place to put it (more on that later) instead of stuffing it (Psalm 37:4, Song of Solomon).

That is what I believe. Yet, I find that many of the resources available and/or prized highly for Christian singles are not saying what we need to hear. Many of the Christian sources I found told me I just needed to be a stronger Christian or I needed to have more purity, and I would be okay until marriage. I heard the ever elusive “Don’t awaken love before its time” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4), but "love" has already been awake for a while. Let me give you another example: I gave away my copies of “Passion and Purity” and “When God Writes Your Love Story” because I was so upset at their messages. I got the impression that I should just sit here and wait for God to hang a flashing neon sign above the head of the guy I should marry. While that’s probably not what the authors were intending, that’s the message I got.

Elisabeth Elliot (author of Passion and Purity) praised the womanly virtue of patience, which seemed to me more like sitting here waiting for the guy God told we’re going get married finally come around to asking me. She admits in the book that her future husband (the first of three) even began “talking” to some girls at the college he attended while they were physically separated before their courtship began. I may be female, but I am not called to sit here in silence while he makes all the moves.

Note: I am not asserting any feminist tendencies here. This issue here is not about submission as a wife, but rather the concept that relationships take two people, not just a pursuing guy. Anyway, learning to submit to God, who loves me enough to die for me, has taught me some lessons that will be valuable in the future.

In the meantime, however, let me propose some places to “put” the desire for dating and marriage that I really feel neither our worldly culture nor our Christian culture has, for the most part, provided. I believe these places are healthy outlets and safe places for the Christian single.

• Friendships. Having healthy and positive relationships with both guys and girls has made singleness a good thing for me. We will need our friends before, during, and after dating relationships. And until that boyfriend becomes a fiancé, your girl friends come first any day. I would add that we need friends of both genders who are both single and taken, and we desperately need same-gender single friends to hold us accountable and provide support and encouragement (Ecclesiastes 4:12, Proverbs 27:17).

• College, Career, and Ministry. If one more person mentions going to college to her get MRS degree, I’m going to get really angry. Yes, it would be great to marry a guy who will graduate from such an awesome college as mine, but I have a life apart from marriage. I have a job I’m excited about and a future career into which I desire to invest. I have obligations here at college that I long to fulfill. Life is not about getting married and having kids, and although I desire that, I will not make it my aim. In addition, there are multiple ministry opportunities, places of service, jobs, and callings that are only available to single people, and we can minister in those capacities in our seasons of singleness (1 Corinthians 7:34).

• Preparation. I know I bashed many Christian singles books, but there are also some good ones. I would recommend “Boundaries in Dating” by Townsend and Cloud. In addition, people are usually better than books any day, so I would encourage you to go to other Christians, those who are single, dating, and married, and ask for advice and encouragement. A pastor once said that if you don’t start thinking and planning for marriage when you’re eighteen, it will probably be too late to start by the time you’re twenty-five. (Proverbs 16:9)

• God. “I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20). Have we forgotten how much God loves us? He is wooing us like a patient lover. Before you get all up in arms about singleness, return to God. Let him love you. Now, loving God does not always mean that your longing for a guy or girl will be eliminated. I believe that if God has not called you to singleness, you will still yearn to get married. But God provides fulfillment until he opens the door for marriage. Like a good father, he wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but he wants us to first be satisfied in him. (Psalm 37:4, Luke 11:13, 1 Samuel 8:4-9)

Finally, know that we were never meant to be alone and that the desires within you to date and get married are not wrong. They will never be wrong unless they take the place of God in your heart. Also know that loneliness is a possibility. I’ve felt so lonely at periods when I was surrounded by people. It takes a close Christian community and a growing relationship in Christ to combat loneliness. But never let loneliness force you into a relationship. Go into a relationship when there is a measure of wholeness, not out of your own brokenness.

Trust that God guides us on the best path (Psalm 32:8). After all of this, I still believe that God has a guy picked out for me, and me for him. And I believe that God knows what he’s doing when he works out circumstances and relationships the way he does.

After writing this entire post and going back over it multiple times over several days, one line from my devotional reading this morning really stuck out. It was about love being the true fellowship of two souls. I spent a while reading through 1 Corinthians 13 and I was convicted about the terrible job I’ve been doing at love. It’s easy to end a conversation with a friend with: “Bye, I love you!” But do I really love them?

I once heard a friend say that he felt like he had so much work to do on his heart and in his life before he could get married, because he didn’t think he was mature enough or Christ-like enough to love his wife and treat her right. When I heard that, I laughed, because I know we’ll never be “good enough” for anything, if that is our goal. But it started to make sense to me when I looked at what I could be doing so much better. Maybe God knows what he’s doing when he requires us to wait a seemingly long time for a romantic relationship. In our deep struggles connected with the opposite gender/love/families, there are issues we must work through on our own and there are issues we work through with our spouses. Maybe God’s “holding off” because I’m still working on me. Because He’s still working on me.

And that’s okay. In fact, it’s awesome. I still fall short, but God is in the process of restoring me. When his timing is right, a guy and I will end up running the race together and being perfected by God together. Jeramy Clark writes, “You’re running on your own, then one day you notice someone running next to you at the same pace and in the same direction. You can run together without hindrance because your course is the same."

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6 (NASB)

P.S. I welcome any suggestions for books and articles on this or any other subject.

Fully Restored

In the past week or so, more than two people have told me, verbatim: “God is faithful.” None of these people know that since this past Easter, God’s been showing me that he’s faithful.

Somewhere along the line, I forgot that God was faithful. I started having doubts again. I was so fearful and uncertain and worried. Things happened in life that almost took away my joy. Surprisingly, as soon as I made the decision to stop fighting what God was doing and allow Him to keep working, joy and peace and hope instinctively took over.

It was like the difference between night and day. Suddenly, I noticed the birds singing in the trees, I noticed how blue the sky was, I marveled at the bright stars. God is faithful.

God is faithful to always be here. I felt so far from him the past few weeks, but he is still here and he has never left. I may feel far away because of circumstances or choices or a lack of a Christ-focused mindset, but God is here.

And God is faithful to redeem and restore us. He will not leave us in the broken state in which we find ourselves. He will not leave us in the sin wrapped around our wrists. Our goal should be to become more like Christ – and through this God is repairing those broken pieces. We will always have scars, but those are just reminders of what God has done in saving us.

I have begun to acknowledge this amazing hope and joy in my heart today, and as I do, the things that threaten it seem both more menacing and yet so small in comparison. I am reminded that I cannot do this alone. We cannot think positive thoughts about negative things by ourselves. It takes an amazing God. And yes, it hurts. Restoration hurts a ton, but it is so beautiful. We must let God into the darkest, deepest places and surrender that which he calls us to give up, and he will make us whole again.

On the day when we meet Christ Jesus, we will be fully restored. We are not there yet, but that is where we are moving. And that makes me so joyful. Because my God is faithful.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

– Philippians 4:8

Relationships... And Crazy People.

I struggled for a long time with how to introduce this post. On one hand, I am a die-hard introvert who struggles to make small talk and who has difficulty keeping up with lots of people. On the other, I love friends and community and challenges and deep dialogue. So, relationships are complicated for me, to put it simply.

This does not mean that they are not rewarding. The longer I’m at college, the more amazing relationships become. I mean, who would have thought that guy friends can be so cool? Or that the girls I shared a bathroom with would actually become young ladies I could cry with and laugh with. Or that a friend with a similar home situation would sob on my shoulder, and I on hers. Or that God would bless me with not one, but two awesome roommates. Or that a community would actually wrap their arms around me. I mean, really.

However, do not take this to mean that relationships are in any way easy. I mean, the fact that we have to work for them usually makes them as rewarding as they are. But they’re so difficult!

To paraphrase my friend who led Sunday School this morning, a relationship can be defined as a shared understanding between two people. This understanding involves expectations which we assume will be met by the other person. These expectations are 1) Care for each other (concern, acknowledgement, etc), as well as 2) Mutual intimacy through shared enjoyment of each other or a mutual interest, goal, principle, or activity. Basically, when either of the expectations are not met, there is a sudden rift and pain in the friendship. This pain is called shame.

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I want to focus specifically on a couple “pain” feelings I’ve dealt with recently.

For one, I recently got upset with my roommate. Long story short, I ended up washing three loads of dishes. I told a mutual friend that I was not going to wash the dishes and that I was leaving them for my roommate, but in the end I just couldn’t leave them. It was not my job to wash these dishes, I didn’t use them and they weren’t mine, but I washed them anyway. Why?

In the past, I have succumbed, I guess, to other people’s wishes. I blamed myself when things went wrong. I did more than my share of the group project. I drove to events or church or school even when I didn’t want to. I felt sick when there were confrontations or arguments between two other people around me. While I was washing the dishes tonight, I realized I was beating up myself. I kept saying “I should have made her wash the dishes. Maybe then she wouldn’t leave a pile. But what would Jesus do? Isn’t it right to lay down what I want for someone else? I know this isn’t the first time this has happened, but I’m a compassionate, forgiving person. Why, so I can let this happen again?” It was ridiculous. All that said, I washed the dishes.

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Secondly, an issue we talked about this morning is what I like to term “soul-disclosure.” It’s the act of disclosing not only information about yourself, but also the deeper things. When you meet someone and you talk about where you’re from, your family, what you do, that sort of stuff is self-disclosure. When you start talking about God, your testimony, your hopes and dreams, your doubts and fears, your wounds and compromises, and boundaries, things have shifted from self-disclosure to soul-disclosure.

From personal experience, I would say that all close relationships with our Christian brothers and sisters should be at a level of soul-disclosure, but the level of depth is up to you. A relationship of mine suffered and the friendship ended several weeks ago because there was a miscommunication about the expectations involved. You must be careful with soul-disclosure, because this is intimate stuff. The fear is that if we reveal a certain aspect of our souls, we will be rejected. That is why soul-disclosure must only be given when trust has been established. And even then, hurt can still happen.

This is where my pain comes from. With regards to soul-disclosure, the perfectly normal and good expectation was not met, and I experienced shame. It’s why I feel like I’m too much or not enough. And I’m still dealing with it – it doesn’t go away immediately by itself. But God is good. Because through this, he is refining me like gold through fire. He’s teaching me how to let him love me. But more on that later.

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In closing, I believe that we need each other. Greatly. The Christian community is so essential for the Christian. If for no other reason, go to church for the people.

With that said, I would invite you to make peace with Christian brothers or sisters you need to reconcile with. In the past few weeks, good friends have come to me and said, “I apologized to so-and-so” or “Hey, I got to talk with so-and-so” and it is amazing hearing their stories. The thing that has made life so much better for me the past year was forgiving my dad last March. So, if you’re waiting to make peace, here’s the encouragement.

I also encourage you to shake up the way you express love. For example, I often end conversations with “Love you!” or compliment a friend with “I love you!” While it’s wonderful to say that, and I am not lying, I feel as if few people really understand. I’ve decided I’m going to actually define “I love you” when I say it. This means that I’m going to be saying what I mean, however weird it sounds. “I enjoy spending time with you,” “I value your thoughts and feelings,” and “I’m here for you” are all ways to say “I love you” without the awkward connotations or confusion. It really clarifies what I actually feel. Now by all means, there is something significantly important to the words "I love you," but sometimes they need defining.

Finally, define love. And love the people around you. God's given them to you for a reason.

Strangely Dim

Just a thought I had tonight: When we’re looking into the eyes of Jesus, it’s a bit hard to get distracted by everything around us. His gaze is compelling and strong. As Helen Lemmel wrote,

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

Do we believe that Christ is all we need? Do we run to him above all else? Do we find our satisfaction in him? Sometimes get so sidetracked by everything else going on that I forget why I’m even living this Christian life. I get so bombarded with the junk and the trials and the insignificant things that I lose sight of Jesus’s face. And what a scary place that is.

When we’re not looking at Jesus’s face, we are so easily distracted and so quickly beat down and discouraged. But God wants to encourage you and remind you of the great cloud of witnesses that is surrounding you. He wants to give you the strength to keep going and to press on even when things are rough, even when the problems and issues of life seem to weigh you down. He has great plans for you that are bigger than the circumstances around you right now.

My advice for the weary soul? Go and worship. Lift his name. And suddenly the “things of earth will grow strangely dim.”

After about 45 minutes of acoustic worship in the small chapel on campus, I joined a group of students, led by our campus pastor, as we walked to the waterfall on our campus. Thirty-four years ago today, there was a massive flood on our campus from that waterfall that destroyed all of campus and killed 39 people. But tonight, as we walked out to the falls along a path lined with votive candles and tiki torches, we saw the falls illuminated by and outlined in moonlight. It was gorgeous. We gathered to pray and I realized how insignificant my problems actually are compared to the greatness of God. We gazed up at the waterfall clothed in moonlight and stared up at the stars shining all too brightly upon us and we realized how great God is and how small our problems are.

And they grew strangely dim.

Stop Doing

There's a pile of half folded clothes on my bed. The floor needs vacuuming. I should put the clean dishes away. I’m half-way through the ten page paper I have due on Friday. There’s work to be done for fundraising for my trip this summer.

I began folding my laundry tonight while it was still warm, which is a blessing in and of itself. While I was folding, I mentally I went through everything I have to do before 8:30am tomorrow morning. (It’s important to know that all I really want to do is sleep.) While folding a shirt, I found myself leaning on the pile of unfolded clothes for a few minutes. And I realized something.

I haven't stopped in weeks. Months, maybe. I am always moving. I took a hike yesterday morning and spent time breathing in fresh air, taking some pictures of beautiful creation, and singing out God’s praise… But I kept moving. I was up before 8am yesterday morning, stayed up until 3:30 last night (this morning), and was awakened by my alarm at 8:30 this morning.
I just do not want to do anything. And I find myself feeling like this when there’s so much to do. Not only physically, but there is a lot to wrestle down emotionally. Autumn has been like that the past four or five years. I can’t tell if it’s psychological or not.

Wrestling needs to happen, I’m sure, but I’m not sure how to go about it. For one, I’m dealing with pain from the ending of a friendship and determining how to love this person now. I’m also contemplating new and changing friendships. I’m questioning motives and debating purposes and wondering why God brings circumstances and people into my life. Good things, but still confusing things.

I just want to sit here wrapped in my fuzzy white blanket and avoid that ten page paper. I want to know what’s going to happen in the future. I want to have the words to say to make things right. Time, yes. Time does not heal all wounds, but it helps the process. I must allow myself time.

I must stop running. Stop moving. Stop hiding behind obligations and duties. The end of one of my ministry roles greatly helped me to stop hiding behind things I “had” to do. I became aware of the time I actually had in my schedule. I have discovered that I am more than the ever elusive schedule. And I will not let it control me. One of the ways I’ve hidden is by controlling time and activities and planning and organizing. Good qualities, but not when taken to the extreme to which I took them.

I’m not hiding anymore. I’m growing into more of me, which is really cool. And I’m learning that my significance is not based on if my room is clean. It’s not based on what grade I made on that test or what service projects I signed up for. It’s not based on my schedule or what I do or who I pretend I am. My significance is not based on me, strangely. It comes from God and the innate importance and pleasure he finds in me.

With all of that in mind, I ask God that I could just stop and rest and know his love for me and know that he is God and Lord of my life. I am valuable to him not because of what I do, but because of who I am. And I pray that I could love those who hurt me, I pray that I could find peace mentally and emotionally when I feel like I’m in an uproar. I pray that I wouldn’t get distracted by everything and anything that pops up in this head of mine.

So here I sit, eating my Mississippi Mud Pie Fudge from the “Hansel and Gretel” Candy Shop and listening to Mumford and Sons. I’m planning to go to bed in the next fifteen minutes. I’m going to stop thinking and stop planning and stop striving and let God do his thing. He knows what he is doing. I am called to trust him. Depend on him.

And never stop hoping. Because I have worth and importance in the eyes of my Savior.

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Because I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

The Cave, Mumford and Sons

Jesus Wants More Than 8 Minutes

One week sometime earlier this semester, I finished up my devotional time every morning at 8:08am. It’s weird that it was at the same time every day, but I have to tell you that I sat down to devotional time every morning between 7:57 and 8 o’clock. Believe me, Jesus wants more than 8 minutes. And I returned to God after glancing at the clock and said, “Hey, I want to dive deeper into You and You deserve more than what I’m giving you right now.” It was a little depressing to realize that I devoted to God a page of My Utmost for His Highest and a few verses from Psalms or Deuteronomy or whatever book I flipped through. I thought I had progressed to a deeper relationship with God and here I was crossing “God time” off my to-do list like a control freak. It hurt me and the people around me and I could tell.

I spent an hour in communion with God today as part of my college’s 24/7 prayer week. Every day this week, around the clock, at least one person is in our prayer (army) tent. During the evenings, a group comes to lead worship and group prayer. It struck me during my hour slot that I was not spending the time with God that I should. It made me sad. I mean, here’s God, the creator of the universe, who loves me enough to send his only son to die for me, and I can’t even spend an hour talking with him?

I heard somewhere that married couples are not spending enough time with each other. To have a healthy relationship, couples should spend an hour a day, a morning/evening a week, a day a month, and a weekend a year together in close, personal communication, alone together.

Then I realized that if I claim to have a personal and intimate relationship with my Savior, yet I am not spending time with him, what do I have? Since a husband and wife is a great metaphor to Christ and the church, we must realize that a marriage without close communication and unity (emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically) is hurting. Likewise with our relationship with Christ.

So my question is this: Have you spent time with God today? Have you heard his words to you? Have you bathed in his presence? Have you given him your heart? Have you placed your burdens at his feet?

A friend once told that God never gets tired of hearing my voice. What a beautiful thing to hear. God never tires of listening to you. He may chuckle or roll his eyes or shake his head, but he is listening to every word you say and every thought you think and every silent prayer you whisper.

So what if we spent an hour with God everyday? An hour in personal time devoted to him. That doesn't mean an hour of Bible reading, although that could certainly be it. Maybe it's an hour walk with no distractions or an hour in worship music. Take the time and give it to God.

Like a Tree

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.

Ephesians 3:17

God sure works in mysterious ways, but I believe that he always provides confirmation. God provided wet fleece for Gideon, a star for the Magi, and a promise for Abraham. He asked these people to go and do, sometimes without specific directions, but once they obeyed, he gave them provision and confirmation.

Today, I drove to a nearby town to mentor like I do every Friday, but I actually did not get the opportunity to mentor this week. I was a little disappointed about it, but I realized when I was driving back to campus that God had shown me something awesome earlier. Maybe the point of driving out there was to see the confirmation God was showing me.

God has used music to get my attention before, and today, as I was pulling off campus, a song came on our campus radio station that really made me focus. It was Ascend the Hill's cover of "How Great Thou Art." I typically love modern covers of hymns, and this one is phenomenal. After that song, I flipped through a couple stations and heard "Our God," "How He Loves," and "My Savior Lives," all powerful songs that hold meaning for me. God was talking and asking me to listen.

I drove past a house I've driven past several times before, but this time, due to the weather changing, the tree was only half covered with leaves, orange and yellow leaves, and as I watched, some leaves drifted off the tree and floated to the ground.

And God said, "Alex, I want you to be a tree." Seriously. He said, "I've been shaking you and your leaves, the things you hold dear, because I want you to hold me dearer than any of that. Soon, you're going to be bare. You have felt and will feel empty and alone. But you are never alone. And during those times, I urge you to dig your roots down deep into my love and my words. Look, I am bringing about new buds. Little bursts of growth and blessing. Alex, let me love you, and I will shower lush leaves upon you. I will bring about new growth and new experiences and new things for you and for the people around you. I long for you to trust me, to hope in me, to have faith that what I am bringing about is best, even you don't understand, even when you're hurt. Let me love you. Let me demonstrate my faithfulness. I am the Lord your God."

For I am like a tree whose roots reach the water, whose branches are refreshed with the dew.

Job 29:19

So I'm going to be a tree.

Hoping

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

- Romans 5:3-5 (Emphasis mine)

He Keeps Track of Sorrows... and Gives JOY

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Even Christians are not happy all the time. First of all, that's just weird. Second, we are called to live honest and real lives versus fake lifestyles, even if they're not very happy. Recently, things have just been getting me down. Things like a confusing conversation at work, an apparently peaceful confrontation, an untimely invitation, or an inside joke that doesn't include me.

Now, the reality is that things change. Each new August, roommates get switched, dorms and terraces and floors and halls house new people, and relationships like suitemates and across-the-hall-mates and wallmates change. Relationships deepen and wane. Hearts are broken and mended. Family situations, life experiences, and goals for the future become more distinct and defined. Obviously, it's no one's fault that things change. In fact, it's great! Seeing a good guy friend develop some amazing strength and self-control I never though he would have is really inspiring. Watching as good friends ask questions about their futures, questions like "Am I in the right major?" or "What does God want me to do when I graduate? Or this summer?" is awesome. We are becoming the people we are going to be. And that is amazing. That is God working. Four years from now, we are going to be doing totally different things. We are going to pursuing the active futures God has for us. College is like a crock pot - you've got so many different obligations, responsibilities, experiences, choices, and opportunities in these few short 4 or 5 years, but out of that comes an awesome dinner... er, person. You get the gist.

The point I'm making is that despite my knowledge that change is okay, even good, it still makes me feel weird. Knowing that continuing relationships with the people I loved dearly last year (and still do) is going to be difficult doesn't make it easier to reconnect and love on them. Knowing that I have a new boss and a new RD are going to shake things up does not calm my nerves when things are randomly shaken. Knowing that the new friendships I'm forming deserve energy and time does not make more energy in my body and time in my day. Knowing that I am surrounded by people (and an amazing God) who love me usually does not make me feel more loved.

See, feelings are very tricky things. We should pay attention to them and listen to how we feel emotionally, because it may tie in to how our bodies are feeling physically, or even how we are subconsciously dealing with stress or pain. We should allow ourselves to feel emotions instead of stuffing them.

But feelings are not always reliable. For example, we can feel that God is far away or that people do not care about us or that we are being left out - but that doesn't make it true. Something to remember is that God is always true regardless of how we feel about him. Scripture is always reliable even when we don't "get it" emotionally.

Despite feeling down recently, I don't have to take that as God leaving me or ignoring me. God is always faithful! He doesn't leave, even if I'm not feeling him. And the cool thing is that he understands our pain and hurt and cares about it. Psalm 56:8 says,

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

Finally, know that while Christians are not called to happiness, we are called to joy. And since joy is not dependent on circumstances, we can be joyful even when we feel like crap. Joy is a fruit of the spirit, which means that we cannot control or create it in our lives. It has to be done by the Holy Spirit.

I'm going to ask you to do what I have to do: to ask God for joy. To stop letting little things get in the way of the big picture. To reevaluate and change some things. For me, this means holding fast to God and appreciating the people he's given me without becoming overly dependent on them. This means accepting that things are going to happen and life is going to change and knowing that God is still the same. This means understanding God's reliability and consistency and learning to bask in that. Ask and seek for joy today.

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

- Psalm 28:7

"Why Are You Nice?"

This past Wednesday, a friend and I were pushing swings, catching kids at the bottom of the slide, and carrying on conversations with little ones before children's church started. I found myself at the top of the slide with a little girl behind me. As I picked her up so she could slide down on my lap, an eight year old boy behind us asked, "Why are the college kids always so nice?"

My heart broke for him. I wanted to sit him down and look into those green eyes of his and tell him how Jesus saved me. I wanted to pour out my joy upon this little kid, investing God's love into him. I wanted to captivate his attention with the story of how I came to know Christ and how Christ is changing me. I wanted to be a vessel through which God could shine down his love upon this child.

It was time to go inside for church. So I simply smiled at this eight year boy and told him we'd talk later. How I long for an opportunity to do just that!

Because I believe that question was his way of sending a little questioning probe into Christianity, into the possibility of a relationship with Christ. It's the same as an adult asking her Christian colleague, "Why are you so peaceful despite all the work you have to do?" Or the guy knee-deep in partying asking his Christian roommate, "Why don't you come party with us?" Or the grandma in the airplane beside a young missionary asking, "Where do you get this strength to go on long-term mission trips?" I believe that little boy was asking where we got our joy and where we tapped into the love we often unknowingly pour upon those kids.

I missed the opportunity to share with him this past week, but I'm counting on it again. God is opening doors to share his heart with broken people... Even eight year old boys.

There is hope, there is hope, there is hope
But everyone who’s lost will be coming home
And everything that hurts will be whole again
And love will be the last thing standing

"Love Wins," Robbie Seay Band

Be Careful What You Pray For

The weather's changing, which always makes me start feeling a little more. Sometimes it's feeling empty and alone, sometimes refreshed and in love with God.

College is awesome as always, although I'm constantly comparing each semester. Last year, especially last semester, I was so busy and stressed that I really had to trust God. I depended on God for so much - every minute I needed to study, every quarter I needed for laundry, every hour I needed for work, every friendship I needed for community. It was intense, because sometimes I wasn't sure of hardly anything.

In addition, the majority of the stress was my own fault. No one needs three leadership positions, a student ministry, 15 hours of work, and 5 classes. Looking back, I see now how a lot of that was an attempt to stifle what I was actually trying to work towards. I've written it about before, but one of the ways that women try to cope with emotional wounds is by becoming driven, dominating, and busy. She hides behind everything she has to do. While I was saying I was striving for dedicated, deep friendships and an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, I was painfully running away from those by having too much to do all the time.

Which brings me to my next point. When I was as busy as I was last semester, I rarely stayed very late after my Thursday night ministry (a small group for my fellow college kids). I just didn't have the time, and I was exhausted from all the late nights I had already pulled that week.

But this past week, as this ministry resumed this semester, the leadership team bathed each other and the night in prayer shortly before we started. The four of us went around in a circle praying for God to reveal himself, for great things to happen, for people to come to a deeper relationship with God. It was great. When it was my turn, I prayed this amazingly dangerous prayer... I asked God to "wreck our schedules."

If you don't know me very well, I am a schedule freak. Literally, I have my calendar on my phone. I have my weekly schedule (a color-coordinated Excel Document) taped to the side of my desk. I have a sticky note on my desk that I replace every week with that week's homework assignments. I started wearing a watch last summer, and checking it has been both a life-saver and an annoying habit. So, for me to pray for God to "wreck our schedules" was a really big deal.

In fact, God answered that prayer. Our worship leaders ended up substituting a couple songs on the set list, cutting out a song I love. There was a shift in our notes, and my co-leader and I ended up jumping ahead, then having to come back around to the points we missed. For closing worship, one of our worship leaders lead us outside to sit and lay in the grass as we worshiped. God answered that prayer! Tangibly!

...And I was so angry.

I honestly do not know why. I've been asking for God to do something. I've been asking for answers to prayer and trying to look for them. So when God did something that I could actually see, I don't know why, but I became upset. Angry. Disoriented. I couldn't name the feeling.

After our ministry was over and everyone left, I sat on the edge of the stage beside my co-leader and two other friends, surrounded by their compassion, as they held my hands or touched my shoulders. And I prayed. Real, honest prayer. Half the time, I forgot they were there. I prayed that I would learn to trust. I prayed for each aspect of life that I wasn't trusting God with: church, homework, friendships, singleness, etc. I asked for forgiveness for being upset with what God was doing. We sang a couple songs together. Later that night, recounting the story to my current and former roommates, I cried.

God, I'm so messed up. Why do you love me?

Because I choose to.

The title of this post is kind of a joke, because we should be praying with abandon, praising and confessing to God, not simply repeating a laundry list of requests. So chill out. Stop running. During first semester, God kept telling me, "Alex, stop and let me love you." When we have some time to stop and breathe Him in, we'll actually hear what God is saying. And what a beautiful time to listen to Him than early autumn.

At The Well

Last night I had the opportunity to portray the woman at the well (see John 4) for children's church. It was awesome. I took drama in high school, and I have learned that your acting does not seem real unless you are actually feeling the emotions the character should be feeling in that moment. Standing there, dressed up like Yoda and holding a painted bucket, I felt like the woman at the well.

Believe me, I felt it. Dirty. Stained. Broken. Worthless. Guilty.

I remembered the sins I have committed, the people I have hurt, the relationships I've screwed up, and the mistakes I continue to make over and over. I imagined this woman's feelings of failed relationships, knowing that I can only grasp so little of her feelings of rejection and broken promises. The woman who met Jesus at the well that day had been married five times and was living with a man she was not married to. The town shunned her, and I doubt they knew the half of it. She carried around guilt so strong she went to get water at the hottest part of the day, so she wouldn't have to see anyone gossip about her or curse her.

At the point she meets Jesus at the well, who is she most afraid of? Who has hurt her the most? The men in her life. The script I used mentioned the woman's husbands as abandoning her. Having dealt with intentional and non-intentional "abandonment," per say, I felt that feeling. I felt her lack of self-confidence with regard to men. I felt her sense of worthlessness, because she just cannot get any man to stay with her. I would assume that the man she was living with when she met Jesus was not hanging around because she was a great cook. You can use your imagination there. In short, the woman at the well was truly alone. And loneliness hurts.

But the script, and the woman's story, does not end there. Even though it took a while for the woman to trust and believe Jesus, she fell for his offering of living water. Water that, if she drank it, she would never be thirsty again. She mentioned the Messiah. It is so amazing that even though this woman had faced so much, she was still holding on to the hope of the coming Messiah. I can imagine Jesus's smile as he explained gently to her, "I AM the Messiah, the Christ." Jesus revealed himself so openly to this woman, so gently. He told her about her sins and he was not ashamed of discussing her past mistakes with her, many of which no one but the woman herself knew.

You know what's amazing? Jesus actively pursued a conversation with this woman who was shunned and avoided by men just like Jesus. He cared about her. He wanted her to see the truth about himself, about his purpose to rescue broken people and bring them to fullness and wholeness in him. The monologue ended with these lines:

He knew me inside and out but still welcomed me into a friendship with Him! Finally! Someone who loved me as I was but loved me too much to leave me there!

It is true when they say that He who is forgiven much, loves much (see Luke 7:47). This woman at the well, so utterly forgiven of everything that separated her from the community, ran into town and announced to everyone that the Messiah was standing by the well. The Messiah who knew everything about her! Look how this changed not only the woman's life, but also the lives of the people in her town...

Many Samaritans from the village believed in Jesus because the woman had said, "He told me everything I ever did!" When they came out to see him, they begged him to stay in their village. So he stayed for two days, long enough for many more to hear his message and believe. Then they said to the woman, "Now we believe, not just because of what you told us, but because we have heard him ourselves. Now we know that he is indeed the Savior of the world."

(John 4:39-41)

God used this woman's past to do amazing things in not only her life, but the lives of the people in her town who came to know Jesus personally through her testimony. What a beautiful redemption God provided for this woman at the well.

And at the end of the skit, I felt her feelings again, the same way I had at the beginning. Feelings of joy, weightlessness, purpose, redemption, holiness, forgiveness, and worthiness. My God can change a leper's spots and melt a heart of stone and forgive the most avoided woman in a Samaritan town... And he can redeem me. He can forgive me. By all means, let him forgive you. Let him show you his power and redemption in your life. Let him restore your heart. And like the woman, don't give up hope that he is coming, that he is going to break through your darkest hours. Switchfoot sings: I've been keeping my hope unbroken. Is your hope unbroken?

If you don't get anything else from this entire post, get this:

About a week ago, I heard several stories of growth and challenge and inspiring experiences from some friends. I felt like my story was weak and insignificant compared to their stories. Frustrated and humbled, I came to God and asked, "Why don't you do anything awesome like that in my life?" The answer I got was simply: "You don't let me." Ouch.

While I do believe that God has a plan and is working everything out for our good, I also think that God is not going to make us do anything. He invented free will. For me, I realized last night that this woman at the well desired deep in her heart to see freedom from the chains of guilt. Jesus did not force her to accept his love, but she was ready to do so and made the choice.

It's the same thing with really cool experiences in our lives. First, you have to go for it. If there is opportunity you are interested in, go for it. God will redirect you if you are not where he wants you. And second, allow God to work. Pray and be open to his guidance. Listen for his voice.

He is waiting to say to you, "I AM the Messiah. Come and follow me."

1 Corinthians 8:9-13

But you must be careful so that your freedom does not cause others with a weaker conscience to stumble. For if others see you - with your "superior knowledge" - eating in the temple of an idol, won’t they be encouraged to violate their conscience by eating food that has been offered to an idol? So because of your superior knowledge, a weak believer for whom Christ died will be destroyed. And when you sin against other believers by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong, you are sinning against Christ. So if what I eat causes another believer to sin, I will never eat meat again as long as I live - for I don’t want to cause another believer to stumble.

1 Corinthians 8:9-13, NLT

Feet: A Lesson in Humility

I've participated in a couple foot-washings, at Bible study groups and on mission trips, both giving and receiving the washing. They have all been great experiences and I always get the feeling like I'm serving and being served. It is quite a humbling experience.

Tonight, however, I was being served and I didn't even realize it.

Today, after a pair of shoes I haven't worn in a while rubbed my heels raw, I took off my shoes to walk from class to lunch, hoping that I could give my heels a break from the rubbing. Unfortunately, the asphalt between the two said locations was extremely hot. Due to callouses on my feet, I didn't even notice the heat until I found my seat. (Read that last sentence aloud!) Anyway, it wasn't until I sat down in the cafeteria (with my shoes back on) that I realized how much the balls of my feet hurt from the hot asphalt. In fact, I had caused heat blisters to form on the balls of my feet.

Since Band-Aids can only do so much, I asked my lovely roommate to take a look. We have known each other since last year, but we have only been rooming together for 3 days so far. She is very knowledgeable about minor injuries and the best ways to treat them. Despite this however, I was half-expecting her to say something like, "Man, that looks bad. Do you need more band-aids?" But instead, she let me lay down on the bed and she sat in front of me and held my feet up near her face so she could remove the dead skin, apply cream that would kill the germs, and then apply antibiotic. She then put Band-Aids on my heels and studied the blisters on the balls of my feet.

To begin with, I did some pretty stupid things. Of course asphalt is hot at noon in August in the south. It should go without saying. But without criticizing me or berating me, my lovely roommate just got to work, including handling my stinky feet and my whiny attitude (I'm bad with pain). She didn't mind working with me or asking me to move so she could accomplish the task. She took extra precautions so I would hopefully heal faster.

It reminded me so much of Jesus so very willingly and gently accepting our stupidness and mistakes and failures and dirty pasts and freely saving us. It's a process and, through that, there's pain. The cream Lula rubbed on my ankles stung and burned. But it's worth it. Now the area is clean and can begin to heal. And so are the little places in my heart where God has already started to work. Jesus got down and dirty (in fact, he died) so I could live.

And why? Why did he want me? Why does he want to get into our brokenness, redeem us, and restore us?

Love. Jesus literally loves us more than life.

And we are blessed by beautiful people who model that for us more times that we often realize.

Living in Today

God is not in the failure business. In fact, I believe there are no failures where God is concerned. Even a "failure" in our eyes is simply preparation or a redirection in God's.

There is one person, however, who is interested in bringing up our failures to our faces, and we give him way too much credit in our lives. Satan, unlike God, wants us to know how insignificant we are so we will become depressed, lose confidence, belittle ourselves, and stop fighting for God's side. God wants us to know how insignificant we are to this world so we can run to him for our significance and realize his significance and power.

I'm going to let you in on a secret. When I was little, I had horrible stress- and nerve-induced stomach-aches, especially when I was going to be doing something new or something I was unsure about. They made me so nauseous I couldn't eat, and I often had to breathe deeply and hold onto something to keep from getting sick. Tonight, after I picked my brother up from a concert, I started feeling that familiar nervousness I thought I had overcome more than a year ago. I was nervous about going back to college tomorrow. The whole stomach-ache and sweaty palms business. Why? Why was I suddenly upset about something I couldn't wait to do? I would have gone back to school in June if I could. Why this sudden nervousness?

And then it hit me. Strangely, filtering in to my thoughts like sunlight filters through half-closed blinds, a memory of a time I had failed last year came rushing back. It involved a musical instrument and a couple instances when I was to demonstrate, but couldn't. I won't go into the details, but 88 keys tend to be a problem when you've only got 10 fingers. Playing music is something I do for fun, like running, and I'm not too talented at it, especially when people are watching. Without warning, other "failures," like relationships gone awry, conversations that could have been handled better, and people I could have treated differently came flashing back to mind. To be honest, it was debilitating. I mean, I was still driving, keeping the speed limit and stopping at red lights, but I felt paralyzed.

Then I saw this huge lightning bolt crack ahead of me, slightly to the left. I saw it breaking through layers of cloud and tree limbs, a purplish color, bright and forceful. And only for a moment, because as soon as it came, it left. It faded off into the distance. I stared at the direction from which it had come and waited to see it again. This next time, it was even bigger and brighter. The flashes of lightening looked like strobe lights against the night sky. It kinda hit me that there's something bigger going on here. As much as I fear my mistakes and find it hard to tear myself away from my doubts and flaws and defeats, they are not the issue. I've got to separate myself from the errors I hold on to. What purpose do they serve? And do other people really care about something that happened six months when I was a terrified freshman? Do other people really poke fun of past mistakes of mine? Do they even remember?

Hillsong sings,

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

Christ has overcome our failures. Can we not now stand? Stand to overcome them, but also stand to move on? Do not let past mistakes dictate future actions. You are your own person. And you are new in Christ. His mercies are new every morning. So why do we find it so hard to forgive ourselves and accept this mercy? Jesus died for our sins, to forgive us for our wrongs. He also died to redeem us from wrongs done to us. In addition, he died so we could know freedom. Even here. The joys of eternal life don't wait until heaven to appear.

Are you letting fears that you'll fail restrict your freedom? It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Don't get tangled up in life before Christ again. You don't have to hold on to past mistakes like long lost treasures. Name them, learn from them, and move on. And live in today.

Cemeteries: A Summer Recap and Thoughts on Jesus

Less than 9 days until I return to college. I will be a sophomore - 1 year under my belt, but still left with enough time to enjoy it.

In between observations and online classes, VBS and summer camp, concerts and mini-road trips, I enjoyed being home. Sometimes I regret not applying for jobs, but on the other hand, I really loved just doing nothing. I loved being able to take my brother roller skating, eat dinner with my family almost every night, waste time online, and visit cemeteries.

Have I mentioned I love cemeteries? I love genealogical research, finding my ancestors, scrolling through US censuses, and locating the gravesites of people whose grandchildren's grandchildren are my parents. I love standing at the foot of their graves and closing my eyes and picturing people (who never knew that one day I would come into the world as a result of their marriage and children) bury their deceased loved ones, back before TV existed. It's really something awesome.

This summer, other than visiting cemeteries where my ancestors are buried, I also used the path around the cemetery in the little town where I live as a walking/running track. I've never been much for health clubs or organized sports or most types of physical activity, but I've realized that exercise is good. For one, since I've been getting good exercise more than three times a week, I haven't felt nearly as panicky or anxious or depressed as those times when I have not exercised in months. There's something to be said for getting enough sleep and enough exercise, especially for easily anxious people like me.

Waking up about 8, eating breakfast, reading the Word, and walking/running a good 1.5 - 2 miles before starting the day's events has been a regular schedule for me the past few months, most recently since I returned home from the beach with my mom and stepdad. Typically I walk a few laps, run one or two laps, then walk a couple more to cool down. Each lap is 1/4 of a mile, so six laps is one and a half miles. Today, unlike the usual stretch, walk, run, walk, drink water, drive home business, I cut across the track on my last lap to study the stone figure in the middle of the cemetery.

I always assumed it was Jesus, and even though there are no markings or signs, I'm reasonably sure it is. Running and sweating your way around a cemetery between five and eight times a day could be creepy, if I let it, especially with this large stone guy looking like he's going to step down from the pedestal and give me a bear hug at any moment. I guess because I like cemeteries so much, the stone Jesus sculpture didn't seem to bother me.

Walking up close to the sculpture, I realized something I hadn't noticed before. Jesus's head was

dipped slightly and his arms outstretched. You might be able to see it better in the picture on the left. It reminds me of Jesus on the cross, such a humble, giving position, but at the same time, so strong. It's like he's defeated death and he's welcoming everyone into his arms. Now, I know this is just an artist's interpretation of a Westernized Jesus, but I just can't help but be filled with the same feeling I get at all cemeteries. You might not be able to tell from the pictures, but this sculpture is quite a bit old. I kept thinking of all the people who had visited this cemetery in years past, whether to bury someone they were close to, or to lay flowers on a grave of a family member. And I wondered how many people saw the sculpture and realized Jesus was opening his arms to them, to their grief and pain and brokenness.

My Jesus is humble and patient. I mean, read Philippians 2:3-11. Jesus "took the humble position of a slave" when he came to earth to live and die for us. But he is so much stronger and greater than we often give him credit for. He defeated death and rose again to redeem us, to purchase us from sin's tangles and give us the lives we never could have had otherwise.

One of my favorite passages, the two verses I chose as my Senior Bible Verses when I graduated high school, is Ephesians 5:1-2. It summaries this idea well:

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

It also provides direction for where I'm going. This direction? Love. Imitating God. Following Christ's example of selflessness.

I'm involved in ministry this coming semester, serving my fellow college students through community and dialogue on the Eldredges' Captivating and Wild at Heart books with a friend, mentoring a 6th grade girl, and serving in various capacities at church and on campus. I'm working at the job I held last year in the Admissions Office. And I am asking God to prepare my heart and love and be loved in great ways this year.

The thing I love the most about cemeteries is how they are so directly related to love. I mean, all of those deceased people have families, families who buy flower arrangements to cover their graves. All those families have friends who came to the funerals for their loved ones. So, love. But seeing the sculpture of a humbled and powerful Jesus welcoming his children into his arms reminds me of Jesus's love. It gets me excited to one day see the face of my Savior in heaven and gives me the encouragement to keep going when things get tough.

As I was walking away from the sculpture, the Cupid Shuffle came on my iPod, which I had just remembered was still in my ears. I started to dance without realizing it, and I was suddenly like Oh my goodness, this is so irreverent! But then I laughed at myself. Lord willing, the people these graves symbolize are rejoicing in the arms of Jesus. And I bet that the Jesus Shuffle is on the playlist for the party in heaven. So, don't tell my grandma, but I Cupid Shuffle-d all the way back to my car.

And, friends, that's what I did this summer. Believe me, I'm planning to do something a little more exciting that sit at home and run around cemeteries next summer, although I did learn a lot, spend good time with my family, and served at summer camp and VBS, which I really enjoyed.

Less than nine days remains, and I'm going to enjoy every one of them until I move back in at college and make the most of those eight or nine months of sophomore year.

The Lord, My Husband

Hosea 2:14-16 and 19, speaking of God restoring the unfaithful nation of Israel:

'But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes,' says the Lord, 'you will call me "my husband" instead of "my master." .... I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.'

Can you say beautiful? Sinful, rebellious, unfaithful Israel, restored to her king and lover. And represented by Hosea marrying, and then returning to rescue multiple times, his adulterous wife. It's amazing.

I've been thinking recently about God as my lover or husband. It's kindof a strange idea, especially after so many Sunday School lessons where Jesus was presented as a best friend or Father-figure. When I moved up to high school ministry, the same presentation was applied. There was little mention, as far as I can remember, of Jesus being a lover. (Some of my pastors strayed away from Song of Solomon, too, if you get my gist.)

But God definitely is a lover. You can't read Hosea without seeing that. Last month, I wrote a post referencing a verse from Exodus in which Moses tells the Israelites that God is jealous for a relationship with them, his chosen people. In a later post, I reflected on God being jealous for a relationship with me. And you.

There's such a distinct connection between God's love and human love. Granted, God's love is always unconditional even when human love is not, but one helps to explain the other. An older friend once told me that she began to understand God's love for her more clearly as she experienced the love her husband had for her. It makes sense. Another friend explained relationships by saying that God gives us friendships and romantic relationships to illustrate and help us understand the relationship God wants to have with us. Since we can see and physically touch other people, our responses to them are typically more "natural" (although maybe that's the wrong word) than with God, whom we cannot see or touch. There is a physical metaphor to almost every spiritual occurrence (e.g. run the good race, warfare, discipline, etc) - and human relationships are a metaphor for our relationship with God.

Oddly enough, diving deeper into a connection like this with God has got me desiring a dating relationship. It seems strange that this enlightenment about God's love would reawaken my longing for love, but only until I realize that God created love. It's normal. It's good. How can the God of the universe who sent his only Son to die for me not inspire love? How can I respond to him in any other way but love, when I realize that while I was yet a sinner, steeped in filth, he loved me first and he rescued me simply because he wanted to, simply because he considered me valuable?

And that makes me desire something deep and beautiful: a dating relationship with a guy that is, of course, fun and affectionate, but is also genuine. Real and compassionate. Supportive, poetic, and ridiculously adventurous. Where God is so central and so overwhelming to the relationship that people watching us just can't help but feel Him. Where we are our own persons, but we become something stronger together. A relationship in which physical boundaries are tightly drawn. A relationship where I can stop trying, controlling, and wanting to manipulate, and just enjoy. A place where vulnerability is necessary and trust is required. Something with possibilities. Something that leads to marriage. I mean, dating that doesn't have the possibility of heading toward marriage is a bit pointless, don't you think?

Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Maybe that sort of thing doesn't happen anymore. Maybe it's just for movies. I looked up synonyms for "romantic," and alongside words like affectionate, amorous, and aphrodisiac, I saw impractical, unrealistic, unusual, and Utopian. But something in me, something deeply embedded in my soul, tells me that the love I desire is not impossible. It's confirmed by the beautiful heart of my Savior.

So, I'm waiting. But (cue John Waller), while I'm waiting, I'm not complaining. Okay, I'm not trying to complain... Haha. But it's not so much waiting as it is letting God have his way with me. What is God doing in me? Well, for one, he's showing me how faithful he is. He has been doing that since Easter, and I love watching him work as he reveals faithfulness after faithfulness. Another thing God is doing is showing me his love. He's pouring out love, through friends and experiences and moments like two nights ago when I just spent a while in surrender and worship and prayer. And I have realized that God is not finished yet. Every time I think he is, he draws me through another challenge just to convince that there's more I have yet to learn! And I'm learning what it means to get excited about those things God is about. I'm learning to listen to his heart and see people the way he sees them. And I have the freedom to do what he's asking without hesitation - I'm not tied to any guy... which is both a humbling and freeing thought.

The Lord is my husband, my Savior, my lover. I'm excited about knowing and loving him as such, even though I have no idea how to do it. But I am learning, ever so slowly. And God is working. I am overwhelmed only by His love.

Ministry

I'm going to start this one with a disclaimer. I'm not majoring in Christian Education or Cross-Cultural Studies. I'm not planning on working in a church, running a non-profit, or becoming a full-time missionary when I graduate. But, like most of you, I'm a Christian with a desire for ministry. I'm a born-again believer with a mission and a goal for lost hearts to be ransomed for Christ and for my heart to be used by God in the process.

And because of that, I am involved in ministry, both scheduled and spontaneous. Christian Ministry is that process, that service, that giving of ourselves which serves to aid in others knowing Christ, both coming to know him and growing deeper in love with him. Steve Miller writes here,

Ministry occurs when God answers a need through your loving service, and God gets the credit.

This need, as he explains, can be emotional, physical, and (most of all) spiritual. A person's ultimate salvation is their biggest need, but, like Jesus healed the blind and deaf before they believed him, so we must meet the outward need before the spiritual need. We should be doing this all the time, regardless of our major or our student ministry.

So that's what ministry is. But I want to confess a bit and encourage my fellow ministers in Christ's service to steer clear of a couple problems we often encounter in the realm of ministry. I'm going to be all technical and include some bullet points.

• I once asked a friend: "How much of this is friendship and how much is ministry?" It's a different circumstance, but I think we need to ask ourselves the same thing. How much of the time we spend with God is for our relationship with Him and our companionship with Him and just knowing him and breathing him in... And how much is so we can prepare a Bible study lesson? Do we go to God so we can cross him off our list and move on to the next task of the day? Do we go to God to get work done? Or do we go to God to know him? Bill Johnson said,

  If you engage with the Holy Spirit because you want to merely be effective in ministry, then you’re developing professional intimacy… and what do we call people who are intimate as a profession?

• Many Christian ministers often forget that there are so many people looking up to them. Take the example of a pastor: countless churches have dispelled because of a pastor's immorality, but few disband because the guy who sat in the third row and played in the church softball team did the same thing. We obviously put a high level of trust in our ministry leaders and James speaks to this strict regard when he writes about teachers in the church in James 3:1. So what about us? We're not pastors, but we often forget how important it is to maintain high standards because of our ministries. For example, for my student ministry this coming semester, I am going to continue mentoring an eleven year old girl who lives near the college I attend. It is imperative that I embrace and sustain purity, not only when I'm around her, but anytime. Things like improper speech, immodest clothing, lack of respect, or hanging out where I should not be spending time, do not help my case when I talk with her about God. Basically, I'm talking about not allowing yourself to be a stumbling block to someone else. Friends, don't let the way you behave hinder your witness in ministry. There are people watching. Ask God that they would see Him in you. In II Corinthians 6:3-4, Paul writes,

  We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry. In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind.

• Finally, the last thing in the quote from Steve Miller (above) is that God gets the credit for our service. This is the hardest part. You know, you put in all that work, you paid the money to go on the trip or buy the supplies, you organized that service project and coordinated volunteers... Yeah, but give God the glory. A friend always says, "Keep pointing up." Don't hesitate to let people know that it's God who saves souls and God who prepares hearts and God who plans ministry. But I also know that it is right, very right, to feel good about ministry and service. Don't think that since we can't get the credit, we can't feel good about the results - just make sure you're bragging on Jesus. :)

And ministry is not simply volunteering at children's church or collecting canned goods, although those are wonderful and needed ministries. Honestly, I cannot give examples of ministry because there are so many: Ministries we can support and be a part of through prayer, giving money or donations, our time, our energy, our talents, our gifts, our hearts... At the end of the day, it is the lives God is changing (including our own) that make ministry worth it. So keep serving, keep loving, keep going on mission trips, feeding the homeless, meeting to encourage each other, playing with little kids, making music for worship, and whatever you do for His glory. It's beautiful and honoring and like a fragrant offering to our King.

Take It or Leave It

The English idiom "take it or leave it" has two distinct meanings. It can mean that the other person must take your offer and you will not compromise (think of making an offer at a pawn shop or auction). It can also mean that the item is not important or wanted enough to be overly concerned about ("Sushi's not my favorite, but I'll eat it... I could take it or leave it").

God's been asking me to take it or leave it recently. For example, there was a circumstance with a situation I wanted to remedy, a person I wanted to hold on to, and God said, "Hey, if I asked you to, could you totally let this go? Could you take it or leave it?" I realized I had to leave it behind. It just wasn't worth it.

But I want to focus on taking or leaving something else that has been bothering me for a while now. Being in a two-parent household for the first time in ten years, where my stepdad works two jobs just because he wants to, we are better off financially more than we were in the past. It's difficult to watch (and I often feel uncomfortable over) the amount of money my family spends - even though comparatively, it's not outrageous. Having experienced ten years with no internet or cable at home and PB&J instead of Filet Mignon, I feel weird when we drop a nice amount at a Japanese steakhouse, for example. In addition, spending eight or so months in a culture where 86 cent Ramen noodles are regular fare, gas money is hard to come by, and half of my peers have first-hand accounts of starving children in Africa, has shaped me.

Speaking of college, during this past year, I hesitated to speak about money. The times I did, I received some weird looks or a snide comment. I always offered to drive friends, and I bought what I needed (and even some of what I wanted) on regular Walmart trips. And many times it made me uncomfortable. I give to church and to missions, but why do I have more than other people? (Maybe so I can give, and give freely, to church and missions and friends? Hm.)

Through all this, I've wrestled with the desire to minister to those who appear well-off. I'm unsure if this desire is from God (a "missionary to the mansions" kind of thing) or from me (cushy lifestyle instead of just scraping by). Years ago, I was struggling with this same thing as I babysat for both a wealthy family and a 'penny-pinching' family. I still remember a certain moment one night; I was sitting on my bedroom floor with a journal and I was just pouring all of this out to God. Eventually, I told him: "I will follow you to the mansion by the golf course country club or to the dirt-floor shack in the middle of India."

How true that is becoming! With a degree in English Education, which I plan to receive in 3 years, I could teach AP English Literature at an elite college-prep school in the Buckhead area of Atlanta. Or I could teach remedial reading at a Title I school in the low income county of Hancock. Or I could teach ESL at a school in China or Mexico. Or teach Chaucer and Bunyan at a middle-income Christian school in Greenville. Or teach sponsor-supported missionary kids at an International School in Spain. You get the picture.

God is asking me, "Alex, if I place you in a location, in a situation where money is prevalent, you must be willing to take it or leave it for me. You must love the people and not the stuff. And you must be willing to take me and leave everything else behind at a moment's notice." And you know what? This applies even today, too. There are so many things in life clamoring for my attention, my energy, my time, my faith, and my desire that God is often pushed aside from the forefront of my life. This should definitely not be so. I finished reading an allegorical book recently where the main character built an altar every time she began putting what she wanted (healing, human love, to go her own way, etc) above what God wanted for her. This is the way I should view my life. If I could drop it all for Christ - if I could take it or leave it - I'm on the right track. Matthew 19:29-30 says,

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

This does not mean we should disown our family to go live in the jungle in the middle of nowhere. But it does mean that God always comes first. I've heard countless stories of teenagers and young adults who wanted to pursue something God laid on their hearts, despite the words of naysayers like their parents. I think it all boils down to obedience. Am I willing to obey God no matter the cost?

See, Abraham did. And Ruth. Mary. Joseph. Jonah. Esther. They gave up their homes, possessions, reputations, safety, even their lives. So why do I find it so hard to give God even a full day of my time?

Finally, for months about a year ago before I left for college, I struggled with the idea of being satisfied in God. How can I be completely satisfied in God and not want or need anything else? Is God really all I need? Yeah, those kind of thoughts. But since last year, and even while writing this, it seems to me that God is revealing just how amazing he really is. Life with God does not even compare to anything else I could possibly want. Everything just looks bleak without God.

When I want God more than I want financial security or a relationship or a squeaky-clean reputation or perfect grades, I honestly can choose God over everything else and be perfectly okay with it. Yeah, it's going to hurt when I start to compare myself with others who have those things, but God is so much better. God's way is better, God's gifts are better, and God's peace is better. And you know what, God gives us the desires of our heart. I like to translate that verse (Psalm 37:4) as God giving us what we will desire (putting the desire in our hearts). Because God has a crazy way of giving us what we do want, be careful what you wish for! But anyway, God's not going to leave you high and dry unless he is actually bringing what you desire to you or he is asking you to sacrifice it on the altar to him. Either way, God's way is better. He is in the restoring business, the redeeming business. And he knows how to give good gifts to his children (Luke 11:13). Don't doubt that God knows what he's doing - even if it doesn't look like he is working for your good. Just be willing to obey whatever he asks of you.

Take it from a recent Tweet of mine:

God: "You are always right where I want you. Instead of complaining about circumstances, watch me do something bigger than you."