Rebelling Against Grace

I've been cynical and rebellious towards God's grace for a long time now. I chose grace as my OneWord for 2013 because I was really hoping that I would be able to get a handle on the crazy notion that God would give me what I don't deserve. And I kinda feel like I haven't learned anything.

For several months, I've been asking what God's response is when we sin. Why would he treat me with grace when I deserve nothing less than punishment and Hell?  No one has a really solid answer. Yes, Christ died for me and took my punishment, but I can't stand the feeling of not being held accountable. It feels wrong, and I don't know how to handle it. I caught myself asking "Is grace really all there is?" It doesn't feel like enough has been done. Do I just not understand what Christ really did?

I've included here two songs I love that have guided and continue to guide my thoughts on grace. I've included links and lyrics for them. I pray that even when I don't understand what God is doing; even when I wonder, yet again, why he loves me; even when I cannot seem to grasp this concept of his love for me, that I would be able to find rest in his provision and hope.

The Scandal of Grace - Hillsong

Grace, what have You done?
Murdered for me on that cross
Accused in absence of wrong
My sin washed away in Your blood

Too much to make sense of it all
I know that Your love breaks my fall
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live

Chorus:
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart

Death, where is your sting?
Your power is as dead as my sin
The cross has taught me to live
And mercy, my heart now to sing

The day and its trouble shall come
I know that Your strength is enough
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live

Chorus

Beautiful, Scandalous Night - Smalltown Poets
Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified
Follow Christ to the holy mountain
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
Cleanse your heart and your soul
In the fountain that flows
For you and for me and for all

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

On the hillside, you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that pours
From our blessed Savior's side

Grace Means Freedom and Second Chances

Freedom is what happens when you choose to forgive, and forgiveness is a process. A long process. And it's pretty stinkin' hard.

I was talking with a good friend tonight who has been feeling disrespected and unappreciated, and she was angry towards the person she felt had wronged her. She told me that she knew she wanted to love and forgive this person, but she didn't know how to love someone with whom she didn't have a relationship.

How do you love someone you don't know? How do you forgive someone with whom you don't already have the basis of relationship?

I smiled and cried at the same time, because I realized it could be done.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

- Romans 5:8

God loved us before he had a relationship with us. How do we know? Because he forgave us. He gave us his Son so that we could be reconciled to him. If God was not all-knowing, his gift of his Son would be a bit like an act of faith. It would be God extending his offer of forgiveness and waiting to see if we would accept it.

Of course, God is omniscient, so I don't think that was an issue for him, but it is worth acknowledging because it applies to us. If you have a healthy relationship with someone, you can say without fear, "Hey, it bothers me when you don't take out the trash, could you please take it out next time?" Or, "I'm sorry about what I said about you." But if you do not have a relationship, or even a healthy relationship, with the person who has wronged you, forgiveness is so much more harder. You have to put yourself out there in an act of faith, hoping that they will give you what you are asking for.

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I was blessed to have a very encouraging time of closure in a broken friendship earlier this week. When the friendship dissolved, we were both forced to seek God individually, alone and in appropriate communities, and the conversation this week was about what God has done in our lives since that time. And God has done some beautiful things.

I remember praying desperately and clinging to hope when things started crashing around me during the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012. Remembering that God is good enabled me to keep clinging to Him through that time. Songs like "Times" and "Beautiful Things" rang in my ears. I didn't have immediate proof that all things worked out for our good and His glory, so I held on to the hope that they would eventually.

A year and a half later, God showed me the beautiful things he did through that time. He brought two people out of the crap they were stuck in and washed off the dust that settled on them after the collapse of a friendship and a ministry. He brought us out of places of darkness, sin, and pain through a catastrophic event.

God made us new and has given us second chances.

I was able to forgive this person only, ironically, after I realized God's forgiveness for me. I could extend grace only after I received God's grace towards me. In that point of forgiveness, I realized that grace is freedom.

Now, set free through God's gift of grace from things which kept me in chains of brokenness, I am alive. I am given a second chance. God made me a new creation when he rescued me from the eternal consequences of my sin, but he also continues to make me a new creation each day when his mercies are new.

Jesus is pleading for us even today because we still sin even today.

- Bryan Chapell
His attitude towards us is full of grace, not shame, not anger, not bitterness. The Son is pleading for us before the Father to bring about his righteousness over us. Because he loves us.

Finally, I see that grace has brought about a purpose to my mistakes instead of shame. For one, my mistakes led to the development of a healthier and stronger relationship with Christ. I can rest in that.

Edited 3/25/13 at 9:57pm for labels.

Grace Relaxes Perfectionism (And Other Lessons)

A little over two weeks ago, I picked one word to focus on for the year 2013: Grace. I chose to modify my word with one powerful adjective: Intentional. It's time to take a look at my OneWord challenge and see what has happened recently.

In the first two weeks or so of 2013, I sliced my left index finger open while chopping collared greens (lovely scar still remains), drove down to my college apartment to pick up my swim suit and summer-y clothes, took my brother to get sushi for his birthday, celebrated his birthday with some of the extended family and our traditional chocolate ganache cake, packed and repacked for our vacation, went on said vacation (Christmas-present cruise with the family!), swam with stingrays on said vacation, and then returned home just in time to begin a week of observations at a private school in town. Today is day two of observations and I am as exhausted as ever. This teaching business is tiring, and I'm not even teaching!

Even though it has only been fifteen days, I took some careful notes regarding intentional grace. When my brother and I got in an argument over who would sleep on the "couch" bed and the "real" bed during our one-night stay in a hotel before our cruise, I was taught that grace is patient. I let him have the "real" bed. It wasn't worth arguing about, and I knew it was right to think of him before myself. Even if I failed the first few thoughts. Grace doesn't lose her temper with a little brother who has always slept in the "couch" bed when traveling. Grace doesn't lose her temper because she is blessed to know she has a bed tonight that she doesn't have to share.

When we were on our cruise, I realized that grace relaxes perfectionism and doesn't demand her own way. I hate this lesson. I will probably learn it everyday for the rest of my life. I'm the kind of person who reads all the flyers and watches the information channel just to tell you that yes, we do need to eat before we leave and yes, they will call us off the ship at this time. I like to know where things are and how much they cost and what time the show is and I'm not afraid to tell you. Early in our vacation, my mom pulled me aside and said, "Sometimes it hurts people when you talk like you know more than they do." Instead of getting defensive, I listened. It is God's Grace that grants me a second chance when I'm not perfect. Who am I to demand everyone be perfect on the first try? I mean, really?

I heard somewhere that humans were not made to withstand every shake. Just as tall buildings in earthquake-prone areas are made with a bit of flexibility to them, so also are people made to "wobble" a bit. Grace is what lets us struggle like buildings in an earthquake. If we were always strong, we would never wobble, and a single catastrophe would ruin our lives. But if we allow ourselves to struggle, if we allow ourselves grace, we will not crumble at the first sign of disaster. We will weather the storm. Don't bottle it in; let yourself feel and move and wobble.

It's been fifteen interesting and unique days. I'm ready to keep at it this year. Before I sign off, I have one very exciting tid-bit to share. I will completing my student teaching one year from now. I applied to complete this student teaching experience overseas and I just discovered today that my placement at a specific international school has been secured. I will receive a confirmation of placement soon, but I could not wait to share the name of my school. Want to take a guess? Grace International School, of course!

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I'm writing this post as part of a monthly link-up party for OneWord through Only a Breath. Check out the January reminder and other bloggers' thoughts on their words for the year.

For more information on my overseas student teaching trip, visit Alex's Adventures in Asia.
What has God been teaching you about grace?

Intentional Grace.

Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.

- People of the Second Chance

I like to categorize things. I organize my clothes based on occasion in which to wear them. I organize my music into theme or season playlists. I spent a long time cleaning up this blog when I could have been cleaning up my room. It's the act of categorization that makes me happy.

Looking back over my recent history, it is clear to me that stages of my life fall into certain categories. For example, high school was very over-extenuating and provided me with opportunities (not always taken until much later) to learn quite a bit. My freshman year of college was a time of new opportunities and new friends, especially that spring, when I developed many of the friendships I still have today. It was that next semester (fall of my sophomore year) when I realized how much I needed those reliable friendships I had formed. That was one of the most painful times yet. With the spring of my sophomore year came a lot of coming to terms with the past. This "past" included thirteen years ago, eight years ago, and even the semester just prior. I started counseling that semester. It was that February when God called me to singleness of heart (and it was April when He redefined it). Summer 2012 was marked by an amazing and life-changing trip to Asia. 

And then I began my junior year. Looking back over last semester (fall of my junior year), I see a lot of growth. I treasure the growth and challenges and "pressing through the hurt" that occurred from August to December 2012. I went through a funk but I came out on the other side. I learned quite a bit about God and grace.

I have also learned to learn from the past and move on. So in this post, I want to look ahead. When I was preparing for 2013, I stumbled across a project called OneWord365. In this project, participants choose one word and meditate on it (and live it!) for one entire year. I knew I had to participate.

Is it any wonder the word I chose was grace? 

OneWord button courtesy of Melanie at www.onlyabreath.com.

I feel as if I'm at that point in my walk where I've gone through some difficult challenges and now God is asking me to put what I learned into practice. I know I am not finished with the tough stuff, because I still have work to do before my sanctification is complete. The good news is that God is not finished with me yet.  His graciousness means he never gives up. He is still working, and He is working in his timing.

I believe this is the time for me to move. To be adventurous. To act on what he's shown me. And what has he shown me? That He is good. All the time. That He is just and merciful. That He is forgiving. 

That He is full of grace. 

And if God Himself is not angry with me, who do I have to fear? If God Himself is not upset with me, what can anyone or anything else do to me? If I know that God is forgiving and accepting and gracious towards me, how will I then treat others?

With intentional grace.