His Love is Even Here

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. The last few weeks of the semester tend to do that to me.

Sickness messed with my sleep and work schedules, which messed with my concentration and homework time, which messed with my free time and has me confused as to which day of the week it is today. Friends needing a shoulder to cry on; other friends not wanting to talk at all; other friends flip-flopping between wanting to be friends and ignoring the threads of friendship between us.

This has all left me tired and definitely in the midst of a real-life Twilight Zone. What can break me out of this mind-trick?

• Twelve hours of sleep made me feel better physically, but not really mentally. 
• A random act of kindness filled the gap like drugs: a high I could ride that left me in a crash.
• Waiting for a summer job interview, a placement for student teaching, a reply on my resubmitted nonfiction piece... I'm always waiting.
• Running lines with two precious girls for our church Christmas play lifted my spirits but reminded me of the work to be done for the play.
• Letting go of a crush the same day I see friends comforted by their boyfriends is disheartening. Very disheartening.
• Canceling our Thursday small group provided rest for my co-leader and me, but now it doesn't feel like Thursday anymore, and I can't shake the feeling I'm failing at ministry again.
• Breakfast at 10:30am. Enough said.
• My roommate and housemate pulled an all-nighter last night and woke me up just before 7 this morning. Lovely.

Speaking of which, I wrote my roommate a raw and painfully honest letter this morning about various things in our friendship. I was so busy writing it that I was almost late to my class this morning. When I looked down at the pages I had written, my heart was broken at how angry I sounded. The passive-aggressive letter is long and full of questions and exclamations I would have to flinch to even say aloud to her. Who do I think I am, expressing those hurtful comments to someone who matters so much to me? But, what if those comments need to be spoken because of how much she matters to me?

At this point I don't know.

Religion seems meaningless right now.

Ecclesiastes ends with the Teacher telling us to fear God and obey Him, for we will be judged. He goes through twelve chapters shooting down everything in the entire universe as meaningless, and then he comes back to God. Obey Him. Those are his final words.

And even at this point, obedience seems meaningless. Unless I disconnect it from religion.

Obedience because of religion is heartless and pointless. Muslims bow in prayer five times a day. Jewish people light eight candles (with a ninth candle in the middle) for Hanukkah each year. Why? These seem to be empty traditions based on obedience to religions that seem empty themselves.

If we think of Christianity in those terms of empty religion, it is meaningless. However, if we think of obedience as an out-flowing of the love we have for our Savior and friend, it becomes a relationship.

Did you know that his love is even here? Even here in the Twilight Zone with a headache, waiting for so many things, trying to get well, sipping tea that's gone cold, wondering how I feel so alone when I'm so surrounded... His love is here. Even here.

• When I can only get out his name in a broken voice before the guilt of my sin overcomes me, He's here.
• When I can't concentrate on a single homework assignment, not to mention a chapter of my favorite book in His Word, He's here.
• When I feel like I'm failing as a small group co-leader, like my past has come back to haunt me, He's here.
• When I wrongly think that hearing his words and feeling his hug would make things right, He's here.
• When I hurt with desperation over the confusion in my friendships, He's here.
• When I have trouble even lasting a shift at work, He's here.
• When no food satisfies and most of it leaves me feeling nauseous, He's here.
• When my singleness adds to my already disillusioned outlook, He's here.
• And even when I don't want Him, He's here. Like a patient gentleman, He's waiting on me to ask Him to come in and be at home with me with nothing but jasmine tea between us.

His love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between. 

Oh, How He Loves.
Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. For the Bible tells me so.

He is the God who is here.

What I'm Listening To:

"Times" - Tenth Avenue North

"Sometimes" - David Crowder Band

Take It or Leave It

The English idiom "take it or leave it" has two distinct meanings. It can mean that the other person must take your offer and you will not compromise (think of making an offer at a pawn shop or auction). It can also mean that the item is not important or wanted enough to be overly concerned about ("Sushi's not my favorite, but I'll eat it... I could take it or leave it").

God's been asking me to take it or leave it recently. For example, there was a circumstance with a situation I wanted to remedy, a person I wanted to hold on to, and God said, "Hey, if I asked you to, could you totally let this go? Could you take it or leave it?" I realized I had to leave it behind. It just wasn't worth it.

But I want to focus on taking or leaving something else that has been bothering me for a while now. Being in a two-parent household for the first time in ten years, where my stepdad works two jobs just because he wants to, we are better off financially more than we were in the past. It's difficult to watch (and I often feel uncomfortable over) the amount of money my family spends - even though comparatively, it's not outrageous. Having experienced ten years with no internet or cable at home and PB&J instead of Filet Mignon, I feel weird when we drop a nice amount at a Japanese steakhouse, for example. In addition, spending eight or so months in a culture where 86 cent Ramen noodles are regular fare, gas money is hard to come by, and half of my peers have first-hand accounts of starving children in Africa, has shaped me.

Speaking of college, during this past year, I hesitated to speak about money. The times I did, I received some weird looks or a snide comment. I always offered to drive friends, and I bought what I needed (and even some of what I wanted) on regular Walmart trips. And many times it made me uncomfortable. I give to church and to missions, but why do I have more than other people? (Maybe so I can give, and give freely, to church and missions and friends? Hm.)

Through all this, I've wrestled with the desire to minister to those who appear well-off. I'm unsure if this desire is from God (a "missionary to the mansions" kind of thing) or from me (cushy lifestyle instead of just scraping by). Years ago, I was struggling with this same thing as I babysat for both a wealthy family and a 'penny-pinching' family. I still remember a certain moment one night; I was sitting on my bedroom floor with a journal and I was just pouring all of this out to God. Eventually, I told him: "I will follow you to the mansion by the golf course country club or to the dirt-floor shack in the middle of India."

How true that is becoming! With a degree in English Education, which I plan to receive in 3 years, I could teach AP English Literature at an elite college-prep school in the Buckhead area of Atlanta. Or I could teach remedial reading at a Title I school in the low income county of Hancock. Or I could teach ESL at a school in China or Mexico. Or teach Chaucer and Bunyan at a middle-income Christian school in Greenville. Or teach sponsor-supported missionary kids at an International School in Spain. You get the picture.

God is asking me, "Alex, if I place you in a location, in a situation where money is prevalent, you must be willing to take it or leave it for me. You must love the people and not the stuff. And you must be willing to take me and leave everything else behind at a moment's notice." And you know what? This applies even today, too. There are so many things in life clamoring for my attention, my energy, my time, my faith, and my desire that God is often pushed aside from the forefront of my life. This should definitely not be so. I finished reading an allegorical book recently where the main character built an altar every time she began putting what she wanted (healing, human love, to go her own way, etc) above what God wanted for her. This is the way I should view my life. If I could drop it all for Christ - if I could take it or leave it - I'm on the right track. Matthew 19:29-30 says,

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

This does not mean we should disown our family to go live in the jungle in the middle of nowhere. But it does mean that God always comes first. I've heard countless stories of teenagers and young adults who wanted to pursue something God laid on their hearts, despite the words of naysayers like their parents. I think it all boils down to obedience. Am I willing to obey God no matter the cost?

See, Abraham did. And Ruth. Mary. Joseph. Jonah. Esther. They gave up their homes, possessions, reputations, safety, even their lives. So why do I find it so hard to give God even a full day of my time?

Finally, for months about a year ago before I left for college, I struggled with the idea of being satisfied in God. How can I be completely satisfied in God and not want or need anything else? Is God really all I need? Yeah, those kind of thoughts. But since last year, and even while writing this, it seems to me that God is revealing just how amazing he really is. Life with God does not even compare to anything else I could possibly want. Everything just looks bleak without God.

When I want God more than I want financial security or a relationship or a squeaky-clean reputation or perfect grades, I honestly can choose God over everything else and be perfectly okay with it. Yeah, it's going to hurt when I start to compare myself with others who have those things, but God is so much better. God's way is better, God's gifts are better, and God's peace is better. And you know what, God gives us the desires of our heart. I like to translate that verse (Psalm 37:4) as God giving us what we will desire (putting the desire in our hearts). Because God has a crazy way of giving us what we do want, be careful what you wish for! But anyway, God's not going to leave you high and dry unless he is actually bringing what you desire to you or he is asking you to sacrifice it on the altar to him. Either way, God's way is better. He is in the restoring business, the redeeming business. And he knows how to give good gifts to his children (Luke 11:13). Don't doubt that God knows what he's doing - even if it doesn't look like he is working for your good. Just be willing to obey whatever he asks of you.

Take it from a recent Tweet of mine:

God: "You are always right where I want you. Instead of complaining about circumstances, watch me do something bigger than you."

Going For It (A Call to Action!)

What if you asked God what he wanted you to do? And then actually did it? Like, actually took steps in the direction of obedience to God instead of ignoring his opened doors for you?

I was over at a friend's blog, A Work in Progress, reading and being encouraged by her thoughts, and I came across this question: "What would you be willing to do for Christ if you KNEW you could not fail?" A speaker had asked this question at an FCA meeting she attended, and she wrote a post about it.

When I read that, I felt really challenged, but also a bit frightened by the thought. If I knew, without a doubt, that all I needed was God, that I would not encounter any failed attempts, that everything would be successful, I would go for it! I can just imagine everything I would do! My friend, Katie, wrote that she was considering going to Africa. Wow. Just imagine - how God could use you if you let him!

A while ago, I asked God what he wanted me to do. I was feeling like God had given me a great reminder of his love, and all these blessings and encouragements, and I wasn't doing anything to give back to him. At the same time, I felt like if I jumped out and did anything (seemingly "on my own" without God saying "Alex, do this!"), I would fail. A friend asked me to consider how I would react if God's response was always "Yes". As in, if it's a good thing, I should go for it and watch intently for God to open or close doors. God may not speak audibly to you and say: "Hey Alex, I want you to go here and say this and then do this." Nope. He may give you a command in something a friend says, an idea, a sermon or message. And the good news is that he gives us friends and pastors and mentors who will help us confirm what God wants for us.

And that is exactly what I did, and God opened the doors for me to coordinate a group of students at my college who have, so far, organized and led two ministries to our campus - simple ways to show love to our fellow students.

Some time later, I was feeling slightly depressed about my singleness. If you've ever been the only single girl or guy in a group of people, you know how I felt! But I didn't want to let that stop me. The thing that got to me was: God can and wants to do incredible things in me and through me before I have a guy in my life. So I asked: "God, what can I do for you, your glory, to minister to your people, as a single lady?" Not only did I then read the blog post I mentioned above, but God also began showing me some awesome things.

For one, a friend of mine asked if I would be interested in taking on a leadership role in the Bible study / small group ministry he started at our college. I was honored and impressed, and God said, "Here. Here's something you can do for my glory while you're single." What a blessing! In addition, I began attending a group on campus for the prevention of Human Trafficking. The involvement I have with that club, and the possibility I have for future further involvement, like becoming an officer, is another thing God's shown me. And finally, I knew that something I could definitely do more of while single was missions trips. I learned about a mission trip opportunity this morning that I'm considering.

Okay, now don't get me wrong. Through this and because of this (and especially in that period where I didn't hear God), I learned that I'm going for it and I'm taking action, not to appease God, not to make God love me more, not to perform... But out of gratitude for what God has done for me. I'm thanking God for how amazing he is and offering my life to him. This is the first step of many steps to actually obeying God. To doing what he commands.

God wants to use you to do something incredible in this world. Will you let him?

Brothers and sisters, because of God’s compassion toward us, I encourage you to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, dedicated to God and pleasing to him. This kind of worship is appropriate for you. Don’t become like the people of this world. Instead, change the way you think. Then you will always be able to determine what God really wants—what is good, pleasing, and perfect.

(Romans 12:1-2, GWT)