Pages from My Asia Notebook (Part 2)

This post contains two passages from the journal I took to Asia. This is part two of two. I hope you'll see that living overseas is hard, but that God shows up in big ways.

7/24/12
I'm learning a lot about selflessness so far. I mean, the trip and the city and the food are new and exciting for a time. And then all that wears off and you're left with tired feet, unorganized lesson plans, lost wallets, janitors who throw your classroom decorations away, a difficult conversation, a language and culture you can't decipher, people who aren't speaking your love language, unresponsive students, buses that never come, a chipped tooth, a level 10 typhoon, a night you're unable to sleep, cravings for a restaurant on the other side of the world, a difficult provided Bible study, and a wondering in your heart if your students will ever see His love. It's not easy.
When the fun and excitement wears off, His love remains. His people remain. Relationships (with the Creator of the world first and with the community He's given us after that) are what surpass country lines and culture shock. They will provide for us to push through the difficulties and trust His faithfulness even in the bleak times, even when we worry or doubt or fear. He's there no matter where we are, at home or half way around the world, loving us just the same, desiring to work through us just the same.

7/26/12

I've had "I Believe You Will Come Like the Rain" stuck in my head for days now. It rains everyday here. 

Paul could tell the Philippians honestly, "...Everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News" (Phil 1:12). He didn't know (at the time all the crap was happening) that all of it would work perfectly together to bring about the Good News. And he probably never saw it working together perfectly with his own eyes. But he believed the Father.

I don't know how my life is going to work out. Honestly, I don't know. It's scary. But God is good. He works everything out for my good and His glory, so the Good News will be spread.

That God of ours, He works everything out for good and glory. We are called to let Him use us. And He is faithful to equip us for the work to which He's called us.

Spiritually Prepared

My biggest fear going into college was that I wouldn't make any friends. God radically challenged and demolished that fear by blessing me with an amazing group of friends I have kept and loved these last two years. I would not be here without them.

Now, when it comes to my five week trip to Asia (which I leave for in 7 days!), my biggest fear is that I am not spiritually prepared enough. It's like this little sneaky feeling that I should be somewhere else (farther or deeper or stronger) in my relationship with God and that I'm just not there yet. I was actually really upset that I was not as "Christian" as I thought I should be before embarking on this trip.

The organization I'm serving with really emphasizes preparation and  pre-trip planning, even providing a Bible study, a journal devotional, and a book on servanthood to prepare us for the trip and the ministry we'll be doing. I think that's great, but it was affecting my outlook on the trip in general. I felt like I was not good enough to go to Asia in the first place. Fortunately, I was wrong. It's not about my "good-ness" or ability. It's about God's goodness and ability. He will equip me to do the good work he is calling me to. The pre-trip devotionals and Bible studies are for the purpose of opening my eyes and heart so I am willing to let him use me. They serve little purpose than to help me be aware, to help open and keep open the lines of communication between me and God.

Tirzah Presbyterian Church

I learned this while I was on a mini road trip today. This morning, I woke up at 6:30am and drove a little over an hour to a city a couple counties over from mine. It was fairly spontaneous, as the idea occurred to me late yesterday afternoon, and I wasn't sure exactly where I was going. I ended up doing everything I set out to do. First, I visited a tiny unincorporated community called Tirzah. In Hebrew, "Tirzah" is a female name which means "She is my delight" and it is found in the Bible as both a name and a city. I've always wanted to visit it just because of the name, but I learned today that the little town is just one street long! The road (Tirzah Rd) is about a mile and a half long and it literally has one church and a bunch of pretty houses. That's it. I wondered why I drove all the way there to drive down one street. Later, I went to the County library and found old records from the church, but nothing to explain why it was named Tirzah.

I think I set out trying to prove that I was beautiful or to find beauty. Maybe if I'm beautiful, I found myself reasoning, my Father will notice me. Or maybe I went about it trying to prove that I was somehow a good Christian, that I could go be away with God somewhere and have an amazing experience and come back spiritually renewed and glowing. Initially, I didn't set out looking to spend more time with God; I set out trying to be someone I wasn't.

Tirzah Road sign

After that random adventure, I drove to the Glencairn Gardens, a volunteer-run flower garden in the area. I spent some time taking pictures of nature and enjoying the scenery. Then I settled in for Jesus time. And let me tell you, God showed up without me needing to pressure him into coming. Or get down on my hands and knees and beg his presence. Not that there's anything wrong with asking God to be among us. The fact is that I learned that He already is. It matters so much to me that God sees me, that he notices me, that he finds me important, significant, and yes, beautiful. I failed to realize that he already does.

I don't have to do anything to get his attention because I already have it. He has carved my name into the palms of his hands. He doesn't just walk away when I need him or ignore me when I call him or find something more interesting to do. He always wants to hear my voice.

Flower at the Gardens

Thus, I realized I tend to focus on myself way too much. Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest had this to say today: "The continual inner-searching we do in an effort to see if we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, sickly type of Christianity, not the vigorous and simple life of a child of God."

I honestly felt like I wasn't good enough, and that held me back from doing so much. Chambers says that the correct attitude is to "launch out in reckless, unrestrained belief that the redemption is complete," because even if it isn't, we are made right with God in Christ, and we should move on from ourselves. At some point, we should not "worry anymore about [ourselves], but begin to do as Jesus has said...". Which is: prayer and service. Sometimes as Christians, we get this weird idea that sanctification and ministry are not simultaneous. I would like to argue that they almost always happen at the same time. God has saved me and is saving me and I'm working out my salvation through my work for God's kingdom.

The point is that God sees and notices and loves me. Sometimes I still have to be reminded of that. Because he so generously lavishes love and forgiveness on me, I can go and serve and minister to others, even if I don't feel perfect or even good enough. You know why?

Because we "are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that [we] may declare the praises of him who called [us] out of darkness into this wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:9). He chose us to serve him. And if we waited until we were perfect to start serving, we would be in heaven already. (Alone, of course, because a nice portion of that serving is missions work.)

In this post from March, I included 1 Peter 2:9 because I heard it twice in one less-than-two-hour period and I couldn't figure out why. However, today, when I opened My Utmost for His Highest and saw that 1 Peter 2:9 was the headlining verse, I knew God was going to speak to me through it. It was like he had given me a little taste beforehand so I'd know when to pay attention when he used that verse to speak to me. What a strange blessing from the Lord!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is going to use me how and where he wants me. He is going to equip me for the work to which he's called me. And I don't have to be superwoman or super-Christian. I just have to be willing.

What I'm Listening To:

"You're Beautiful" - Phil Wickham

"Something Beautiful" - NeedtoBreathe

Switchfoot on shuffle

Doing the Impossible

Paul instructs us to “never tire of doing good” in second Thessalonians. Taken at its simplest, this is still incredible instruction. Doing what is good is more difficult than doing what is right, which is even more difficult than just not doing what is wrong. Think about that for a minute.

Now, are we trying to do what is good and right and trying to not do what is wrong and bad out of our own power? I would argue that we are.

I know for me, I have a consistent problem of trying to do everything on my own, in my own power, alone. I suffered at the beginning of last semester with the mindset that I could survive sophomore year without any help. It was actually kind of stupid. About the time midterms hit, God whispered, “Alex, stop hiding.” When I realized, with help, what I was hiding from, I was ashamed. I was hiding from my friends, my core, the people I had learned to love and rely on during freshman year.

So on the Tuesday before Midterm exams, I was confronted with the need to start over, to come to terms with the realization that I needed my friends. I began the process of reestablishing good friendships and redefining not-so-good ones. It’s not over yet, I know. After almost ignoring the connections I had with my core for a few months, getting things back with them is very difficult, especially now that I live two floors away from some of them.

The point I’m making is that I realized I could not do this semester, the year, even that week before midterms, without people. We need each other, if you haven’t realized. And we need God. Because we can’t do life, especially the Christian life without Him.

First Thessalonians 5:23-24 reads:

Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.

My devotional for today featured verse 23 and discussed the importance of being blameless before God. As I read it this morning, I immediately became defensive. I don’t know about you, but I am not blameless. I mess up every day in ways I cannot make excuses for. I’m so often ashamed of my inability to just behave, to just do things right. It’s a Romans 7 struggle I'm not happy about. I was suddenly resentful of the devotional reading on blamelessness because I knew I could not be blameless on my own.

But isn’t that why my Savior died for me? Our blameless king became a servant and took our blame so we could live. “…[H]e has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.” (Colossians 1:22)

So when I opened my Bible and found the next verse, I Thessalonians 5:24, I almost cried. It says that GOD will "make me blameless" and "holy," without fault, because "he who calls me is faithful." Since this past Easter, my Savior has been pouring his faithfulness onto me. It’s one of the ways he romances and show his love for me. And to know that I am not the one making myself pure and blameless is amazing. God is making me pure and blameless. Yes, I should never tire of doing good, but it is God who changes my heart so I can do that which is good.

We must stop trying to do life on our own; we must realize our need for Him and depend on Him for everything, even the ability to live and live in Christ.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” – Philippians 1:6

Navigating This Season

[This is part one of a three part series.]

Maybe I’m just a biased, almost 20 year old college student, but none of these books or articles or websites or speakers on Christian singleness are really helping.

Last week, I found myself in the back of the library, sitting on a stepstool in the corner beside the “Devotional” section, hunched up and holding the book carefully so no who descended the stairs and rounded the corner could see the title. I held my breath whenever someone walked through the doorway to the stairs, hoping it wasn’t someone I knew. I spent an hour on that little stepstool (after I got my studying done, of course), reading books on chastity and singleness. It hasn’t been the easiest season of singleness recently, and I needed some kind of help that knew what it was talking about but wouldn’t judge and had time for me at 10:30 on a Sunday night. Enter the Christian experts shelved in my college’s library.

For the most part, I appreciated the comments. I found a good book by Lauren Winner, which I didn’t have time to read in its entirety. However, most of the books I located were published in the early 90’s (which isn’t surprising for my small college’s library), but I have a feeling things may have changed just a bit in the last 20 years.

Coming home for Christmas break, I found my huge collection of books I’ve loved, as well as those I just haven’t had time to read yet. In the want-to-read-but-haven’t-yet pile, I found many books, including the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (Harris) and “I Gave Dating a Chance” (Clark) dichotomy, as well as “Boundaries in Dating” and “Lady in Waiting,” not to mention my “Wild at Heart” and “Captivating” bookshelf back at school. So, why do I have all these books? Because the books from high school (like “Dateable”) aren’t cutting it for the college student I have become. Because if I’m honest with myself, marriage is no longer foreign and far away. Suddenly I find myself almost twenty and searching for a few answers.

Let me clue you in. This is what I’m looking at right now:

1. Being single, I can devote more of my time to ministry than to a boyfriend/husband/family (1 Corinthians 7:34)
2. This season of life can be used to plan for the next. There should be an enjoyment of this season with anticipation for the next season, but not a focus on it (Ecclesiastes 3).
3. The desire for dating and marriage is not inherently wrong, and I would do well to find a place to put it (more on that later) instead of stuffing it (Psalm 37:4, Song of Solomon).

That is what I believe. Yet, I find that many of the resources available and/or prized highly for Christian singles are not saying what we need to hear. Many of the Christian sources I found told me I just needed to be a stronger Christian or I needed to have more purity, and I would be okay until marriage. I heard the ever elusive “Don’t awaken love before its time” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4), but "love" has already been awake for a while. Let me give you another example: I gave away my copies of “Passion and Purity” and “When God Writes Your Love Story” because I was so upset at their messages. I got the impression that I should just sit here and wait for God to hang a flashing neon sign above the head of the guy I should marry. While that’s probably not what the authors were intending, that’s the message I got.

Elisabeth Elliot (author of Passion and Purity) praised the womanly virtue of patience, which seemed to me more like sitting here waiting for the guy God told we’re going get married finally come around to asking me. She admits in the book that her future husband (the first of three) even began “talking” to some girls at the college he attended while they were physically separated before their courtship began. I may be female, but I am not called to sit here in silence while he makes all the moves.

Note: I am not asserting any feminist tendencies here. This issue here is not about submission as a wife, but rather the concept that relationships take two people, not just a pursuing guy. Anyway, learning to submit to God, who loves me enough to die for me, has taught me some lessons that will be valuable in the future.

In the meantime, however, let me propose some places to “put” the desire for dating and marriage that I really feel neither our worldly culture nor our Christian culture has, for the most part, provided. I believe these places are healthy outlets and safe places for the Christian single.

• Friendships. Having healthy and positive relationships with both guys and girls has made singleness a good thing for me. We will need our friends before, during, and after dating relationships. And until that boyfriend becomes a fiancé, your girl friends come first any day. I would add that we need friends of both genders who are both single and taken, and we desperately need same-gender single friends to hold us accountable and provide support and encouragement (Ecclesiastes 4:12, Proverbs 27:17).

• College, Career, and Ministry. If one more person mentions going to college to her get MRS degree, I’m going to get really angry. Yes, it would be great to marry a guy who will graduate from such an awesome college as mine, but I have a life apart from marriage. I have a job I’m excited about and a future career into which I desire to invest. I have obligations here at college that I long to fulfill. Life is not about getting married and having kids, and although I desire that, I will not make it my aim. In addition, there are multiple ministry opportunities, places of service, jobs, and callings that are only available to single people, and we can minister in those capacities in our seasons of singleness (1 Corinthians 7:34).

• Preparation. I know I bashed many Christian singles books, but there are also some good ones. I would recommend “Boundaries in Dating” by Townsend and Cloud. In addition, people are usually better than books any day, so I would encourage you to go to other Christians, those who are single, dating, and married, and ask for advice and encouragement. A pastor once said that if you don’t start thinking and planning for marriage when you’re eighteen, it will probably be too late to start by the time you’re twenty-five. (Proverbs 16:9)

• God. “I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20). Have we forgotten how much God loves us? He is wooing us like a patient lover. Before you get all up in arms about singleness, return to God. Let him love you. Now, loving God does not always mean that your longing for a guy or girl will be eliminated. I believe that if God has not called you to singleness, you will still yearn to get married. But God provides fulfillment until he opens the door for marriage. Like a good father, he wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but he wants us to first be satisfied in him. (Psalm 37:4, Luke 11:13, 1 Samuel 8:4-9)

Finally, know that we were never meant to be alone and that the desires within you to date and get married are not wrong. They will never be wrong unless they take the place of God in your heart. Also know that loneliness is a possibility. I’ve felt so lonely at periods when I was surrounded by people. It takes a close Christian community and a growing relationship in Christ to combat loneliness. But never let loneliness force you into a relationship. Go into a relationship when there is a measure of wholeness, not out of your own brokenness.

Trust that God guides us on the best path (Psalm 32:8). After all of this, I still believe that God has a guy picked out for me, and me for him. And I believe that God knows what he’s doing when he works out circumstances and relationships the way he does.

After writing this entire post and going back over it multiple times over several days, one line from my devotional reading this morning really stuck out. It was about love being the true fellowship of two souls. I spent a while reading through 1 Corinthians 13 and I was convicted about the terrible job I’ve been doing at love. It’s easy to end a conversation with a friend with: “Bye, I love you!” But do I really love them?

I once heard a friend say that he felt like he had so much work to do on his heart and in his life before he could get married, because he didn’t think he was mature enough or Christ-like enough to love his wife and treat her right. When I heard that, I laughed, because I know we’ll never be “good enough” for anything, if that is our goal. But it started to make sense to me when I looked at what I could be doing so much better. Maybe God knows what he’s doing when he requires us to wait a seemingly long time for a romantic relationship. In our deep struggles connected with the opposite gender/love/families, there are issues we must work through on our own and there are issues we work through with our spouses. Maybe God’s “holding off” because I’m still working on me. Because He’s still working on me.

And that’s okay. In fact, it’s awesome. I still fall short, but God is in the process of restoring me. When his timing is right, a guy and I will end up running the race together and being perfected by God together. Jeramy Clark writes, “You’re running on your own, then one day you notice someone running next to you at the same pace and in the same direction. You can run together without hindrance because your course is the same."

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6 (NASB)

P.S. I welcome any suggestions for books and articles on this or any other subject.

Fully Restored

In the past week or so, more than two people have told me, verbatim: “God is faithful.” None of these people know that since this past Easter, God’s been showing me that he’s faithful.

Somewhere along the line, I forgot that God was faithful. I started having doubts again. I was so fearful and uncertain and worried. Things happened in life that almost took away my joy. Surprisingly, as soon as I made the decision to stop fighting what God was doing and allow Him to keep working, joy and peace and hope instinctively took over.

It was like the difference between night and day. Suddenly, I noticed the birds singing in the trees, I noticed how blue the sky was, I marveled at the bright stars. God is faithful.

God is faithful to always be here. I felt so far from him the past few weeks, but he is still here and he has never left. I may feel far away because of circumstances or choices or a lack of a Christ-focused mindset, but God is here.

And God is faithful to redeem and restore us. He will not leave us in the broken state in which we find ourselves. He will not leave us in the sin wrapped around our wrists. Our goal should be to become more like Christ – and through this God is repairing those broken pieces. We will always have scars, but those are just reminders of what God has done in saving us.

I have begun to acknowledge this amazing hope and joy in my heart today, and as I do, the things that threaten it seem both more menacing and yet so small in comparison. I am reminded that I cannot do this alone. We cannot think positive thoughts about negative things by ourselves. It takes an amazing God. And yes, it hurts. Restoration hurts a ton, but it is so beautiful. We must let God into the darkest, deepest places and surrender that which he calls us to give up, and he will make us whole again.

On the day when we meet Christ Jesus, we will be fully restored. We are not there yet, but that is where we are moving. And that makes me so joyful. Because my God is faithful.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

– Philippians 4:8

Cemeteries: A Summer Recap and Thoughts on Jesus

Less than 9 days until I return to college. I will be a sophomore - 1 year under my belt, but still left with enough time to enjoy it.

In between observations and online classes, VBS and summer camp, concerts and mini-road trips, I enjoyed being home. Sometimes I regret not applying for jobs, but on the other hand, I really loved just doing nothing. I loved being able to take my brother roller skating, eat dinner with my family almost every night, waste time online, and visit cemeteries.

Have I mentioned I love cemeteries? I love genealogical research, finding my ancestors, scrolling through US censuses, and locating the gravesites of people whose grandchildren's grandchildren are my parents. I love standing at the foot of their graves and closing my eyes and picturing people (who never knew that one day I would come into the world as a result of their marriage and children) bury their deceased loved ones, back before TV existed. It's really something awesome.

This summer, other than visiting cemeteries where my ancestors are buried, I also used the path around the cemetery in the little town where I live as a walking/running track. I've never been much for health clubs or organized sports or most types of physical activity, but I've realized that exercise is good. For one, since I've been getting good exercise more than three times a week, I haven't felt nearly as panicky or anxious or depressed as those times when I have not exercised in months. There's something to be said for getting enough sleep and enough exercise, especially for easily anxious people like me.

Waking up about 8, eating breakfast, reading the Word, and walking/running a good 1.5 - 2 miles before starting the day's events has been a regular schedule for me the past few months, most recently since I returned home from the beach with my mom and stepdad. Typically I walk a few laps, run one or two laps, then walk a couple more to cool down. Each lap is 1/4 of a mile, so six laps is one and a half miles. Today, unlike the usual stretch, walk, run, walk, drink water, drive home business, I cut across the track on my last lap to study the stone figure in the middle of the cemetery.

I always assumed it was Jesus, and even though there are no markings or signs, I'm reasonably sure it is. Running and sweating your way around a cemetery between five and eight times a day could be creepy, if I let it, especially with this large stone guy looking like he's going to step down from the pedestal and give me a bear hug at any moment. I guess because I like cemeteries so much, the stone Jesus sculpture didn't seem to bother me.

Walking up close to the sculpture, I realized something I hadn't noticed before. Jesus's head was

dipped slightly and his arms outstretched. You might be able to see it better in the picture on the left. It reminds me of Jesus on the cross, such a humble, giving position, but at the same time, so strong. It's like he's defeated death and he's welcoming everyone into his arms. Now, I know this is just an artist's interpretation of a Westernized Jesus, but I just can't help but be filled with the same feeling I get at all cemeteries. You might not be able to tell from the pictures, but this sculpture is quite a bit old. I kept thinking of all the people who had visited this cemetery in years past, whether to bury someone they were close to, or to lay flowers on a grave of a family member. And I wondered how many people saw the sculpture and realized Jesus was opening his arms to them, to their grief and pain and brokenness.

My Jesus is humble and patient. I mean, read Philippians 2:3-11. Jesus "took the humble position of a slave" when he came to earth to live and die for us. But he is so much stronger and greater than we often give him credit for. He defeated death and rose again to redeem us, to purchase us from sin's tangles and give us the lives we never could have had otherwise.

One of my favorite passages, the two verses I chose as my Senior Bible Verses when I graduated high school, is Ephesians 5:1-2. It summaries this idea well:

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

It also provides direction for where I'm going. This direction? Love. Imitating God. Following Christ's example of selflessness.

I'm involved in ministry this coming semester, serving my fellow college students through community and dialogue on the Eldredges' Captivating and Wild at Heart books with a friend, mentoring a 6th grade girl, and serving in various capacities at church and on campus. I'm working at the job I held last year in the Admissions Office. And I am asking God to prepare my heart and love and be loved in great ways this year.

The thing I love the most about cemeteries is how they are so directly related to love. I mean, all of those deceased people have families, families who buy flower arrangements to cover their graves. All those families have friends who came to the funerals for their loved ones. So, love. But seeing the sculpture of a humbled and powerful Jesus welcoming his children into his arms reminds me of Jesus's love. It gets me excited to one day see the face of my Savior in heaven and gives me the encouragement to keep going when things get tough.

As I was walking away from the sculpture, the Cupid Shuffle came on my iPod, which I had just remembered was still in my ears. I started to dance without realizing it, and I was suddenly like Oh my goodness, this is so irreverent! But then I laughed at myself. Lord willing, the people these graves symbolize are rejoicing in the arms of Jesus. And I bet that the Jesus Shuffle is on the playlist for the party in heaven. So, don't tell my grandma, but I Cupid Shuffle-d all the way back to my car.

And, friends, that's what I did this summer. Believe me, I'm planning to do something a little more exciting that sit at home and run around cemeteries next summer, although I did learn a lot, spend good time with my family, and served at summer camp and VBS, which I really enjoyed.

Less than nine days remains, and I'm going to enjoy every one of them until I move back in at college and make the most of those eight or nine months of sophomore year.

Growing Up and Falling in Love

This past week was so much fun and such a time of challenge for me. When I applied and interviewed to become one of the counselors at a summer camp held at my college, I didn't think I would make it. The position was for one week in July and on a completely volunteer basis, but I anticipated many of my fellow college students jumping on the chance to serve. I decided to sign up anyway, because something simply encouraged me onward.

I was met with a small group of friends who were also applying to serve and just enough positions for me to become a member of the team. I was surprised. What can I offer? Why did God choose me to spend a week with misfit teenagers and their youth pastors? I have never been a counselor or RA or youth leader before. I attended a few summer camps in elementary and middle school and I went on a mission trip to John's Island, SC every summer during high school. But, honestly, what advantage do I have?

God does not call the equipped. He equips the called.

Well, obviously. That one kindof hit me over the head. God wanted to do something this past week and he wanted to use me. It's that simple. I didn't have anything special, other than a willingness to be used by God. That's all it takes.

I believe that God wants to use us when we have little to nothing to offer, and that's cool because it shows us that God is working and we are just letting him work. It shows us that awesome stuff is not happening because of us, but because of God, and this gives us more reason to praise him. However, and this is cool to me, God isn't finished with us yet. Philippians 1:6 says,

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

You may have heard Mandisa's new song, Stronger, which encourages us to keep going because the pain we face is only making us stronger. She sings, "'Cause if [God] started this work in your life, He will be faithful to complete it, if only you believe it."

Yes, God wants to use us when we are broken and nothing and lacking and empty, but he also wants to grow us. He is the business of fixing broken hearts and renewing lives and growing us spiritually and emotionally. He is going to finish the good work he began in us by using us in places we think we could never be used and by asking us to minister and serve to people we never thought we would be able to serve. And through these opportunities, he teaches us lessons and rescues our hearts and restores us.

That's what happened this week. I was a little bit apprehensive, I guess, since I really did not know what to expect. But overall, I was not nervous. I was ready to meet the teenagers I would spend a week with, because I wanted to minister to them. But I ended up being ministered to much more. Not only was worship amazing and the messages fantastic, but I was surrounded by an awesome group of friends who were happy to see me every morning. They made my day more than once. In fact, one night, while patrolling the campus during Capture the Flag, I had an amazingly awesome talk with a friend of mine named Nancy. I had been struggling with some really stupid thoughts and emotions, like jealousy, envy, and guilt, and Nancy really set me straight that night. She reminded me to be content, and to question why I'm satisfied with not finding my contentment in God. In God's Word Translation, 1 Timothy 6:6-7 says,

A godly life brings huge profits to people who are content with what they have. We didn’t bring anything into the world, and we can’t take anything out of it.

Am I living for Christ, imitating him in everything I do? Because that is contentment. And once again, I ponder what it means to be satisfied in God.

Through that conversation with Nancy and other wonderful conversations and interactions with other good friends, like Jessie and Kyle and Erin, I began to see once again God's love for me. God's relentless pursuit of me. It finally clicked yesterday morning as I was finishing the book of Exodus and slugging through commandment after commandment. I was getting tired when I found this verse, tucked away beside something about the Ark of the Covenant....

You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.

It's Exodus 34:14. And I can't help but be amazed by it. God is jealous. God is jealous for attention and adoration. And also: God is jealous about his relationship with me. (Me!) It could also be worded: God is jealous for a relationship with me. I think I've realized that growing up is a lifelong process. You don't just wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm all grown up now." No, we are constantly learning new things and developing into new people. And part of my growing up is that affirmation that God is not only my friend, my father, my comforter, and my Savior, but that he is my lover. He is jealous for our relationship.

If I can have a regret from this week, it's that I didn't reach out more. With God's love bubbling in me, I wish I could have stayed up until 3 in the morning with the girls on my hall. I wish I had sat with different people a bit more during meals. I could have gone a little farther, opened up a little more, when talking with kids about Jesus. I could have instigated those conversations about God, instead of waiting for them to happen. And yet, the good news is that there is more time. God is still working. Great things happened and great things are still to happen. God knows what he's doing and he is bringing everything about in his timing and within his plans.

Finally, I want you to know that God loves you. And when we're little kids, it's fine to say that God's our friend or Dad and he is looking out for us. But as I'm growing up, I'm seeing that God loves me like a faithful husband loves his wife (see Hosea 2:20). It's that real and practical and obvious and even emotional. I want to close with a quote from a book I have yet to read, but I have heard many good things about.

The following quote describes what a romantic relationship should look like from a Christian perspective. See, one of the things that bothered me this past week was that I was the only female counselor who was not dating, taken, or otherwise pursuing a relationship. It drove me crazy for a while. (Have you ever asked, "What is wrong with me?") I will be the first to tell younger girls that they don't need a boyfriend or to encourage a friend who is struggling with her singleness, but I tend to secretly struggle very deeply with my singleness. To be honest, I hate this struggle with a passion. I hate the fear I encounter when I feel alone. I hate the guilty feeling I get when I am uncomfortable with being single. I hate the doubting and questioning that seems to overwhelm me. And broaching this subject is a scary place, because I feel weak when I talk about it. But know this, my heart, know this, my friend, God loves you. He is jealous for a relationship with you. He yearns to be desired by you. Does that make the desire to date go away? Probably not. But for me, it makes the fear subside and the guilt diminish. It makes my heart stop hiding. It makes my eyes see God in more places and my ears a little more attuned to his voice. It makes my soul cease questioning, if only for a few moments of sunshine. It makes me realize what I'm looking for in a guy and keep my emotions from swaying me too far. And, in the end, it allows me to fall in love with Jesus. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true. Okay, here's the quote...

One day she will be running in her lane, relentlessly in pursuit of Jesus, looking ahead and not around, when all of a sudden she will hear him approaching. If he is the one, she will not have to stop running or change her pace, and she won't have to look behind her, because before she knows it, he will be running alongside her. He will grab her hand and they will finish the good race together.

Excerpted from A Man Worth Waiting For, by Jackie Kendall

All of this to say... I realized this week that I'm growing up and falling in love. And its beautiful.

Communion and My Freshman Year

We take communion in honor and remembrance of Jesus. His life, his death, his resurrection, his presence beside God at this moment, his ultimate return to earth.

The last time (besides today) I had the chance to partake of the Lord's Supper was at a weekly Bible study / community of friends. We had been studying the movie "To Save a Life" and we were taking a break to spend some time learning about silence. The guy leading our study, a friend of mine, invited us to come forward when we were ready to take communion. He specifically said, "Do not come and take communion if you are not at peace with a fellow brother or sister or with God." Our worship leader played some songs on the guitar for a while, then stopped and let us soak in the silence. It was beautiful, but I was pained.

I left the room and sat outside. It was late February or early March, and still chilly, so I was freezing by the time I found a seat on the stairs outside. There weren't any words I could say to explain what I felt. But God listened. And the words from Romans about the Holy Spirit interceding for us with groans that cannot be expressed in words came rushing back to me.

A friend once told me that people become themselves when they enter college - intense versions of themselves. I believe that describes what's been going on with me. I feel like this whole last year, my first year of college, has been a very emotional time. I'm a nineteen year old girl - I am emotional. But it has almost felt like turmoil. So many things have happened, with guys, with friends, learning how to live away from my mom, figuring out how to manage my time, discovering that my relationship with God is my responsibility. I have been blessed with some incredible friends, specifically the girls on my hall, who have walked through these months with me every step of the way. I'm so grateful for them. They've helped me tremendously. But, why was everything that happened so emotional to me?

I'm emotional - obviously. But I'm also a thinker. On the Meyers-Briggs, I'm an INFJ. My I and J are very, very strong. I'm Introverted and Judging. Those two mostly go without saying. My N is not very strong. In fact, neither N nor S are expressed very readily in my personality. (Meaning, when it comes to iNtuitive and Sensing, I'm not dominate in any one category.) However, my F is just a little more strong than T, which means that I'm strong in both Feeling and Thinking.

All of that mumbo-jumbo to say, when something happens, I've realized I feel it first, then I think to get through it. The problem is that my feeling and thinking are so closely intertwined that I end up feeling what I'm thinking and thinking what I'm feeling... or something like that. Basically, when something is sketch, I question and ponder it mercilessly. It makes for a very emotional thought-life and a very tired brain and heart. I can't let go of something once I'm thinking about it and feeling it. It's like anxiety in my mind.

In explanation, that's what was happening that night in March. I couldn't let go of a struggle that I was facing in a relationship with a friend. I now consider this person a good friend and I'm very proud of where they are going in life, but it took dealing with that issue (and not taking communion until I had dealt with it) to move on. In fact, today, about an hour or two after taking communion at my grandma's church, I heard from this friend that God had answered a prayer - something a group of us had been praying about for a couple months now. And I was so excited. I felt like a sister, telling my friend congratulations for how God had provided.

I'm still struggling through some things. (As soon as you conquer one issue in life, another one lands on the table and you've got to deal with it.) But, and this is something I often miss, I try to deal with it alone. To be honest, God is not the first person I go to when I'm facing something difficult or even something joyous. Why? Well, first I feel it. Then I think about it and run through each scenario. And by that time, someone's asked me how I'm doing and I spill the beans on them. God is usually last on the list. I hate admitting that. I feel like I've failed. I feel like the God of the universe, my creator, my Savior, my lover and friend, who longs to hear me, who never tires of hearing my voice, should be the first person I cry out to in good or in bad. Don't I trust that God will provide? That God will tell me what to do (or better yet, what he is doing)? That he will use the Holy Spirit in my life to speak to me? To show me the path I should take? Don't I believe? Don't I realize that it's when walking along my own path that I fall? Proverbs says, "Do not lean on your own understanding." I'm ashamed, because I've been leaning on my own understanding and following what I think to be right all this time...

It's storming outside again. Thunder and lightning. Not as bad as the hail that attacked us two days ago, but still it's a storm. It's God... God, my powerful, Almighty King, the Lord of all, the Creator and sustainer of the universe, the lover that is jealously coveting my attention and affection ("Have you forgotten your first love?"). It's God. God, displaying his healing forgiveness, his pardon for my sins, his blood washing away my grievances against him, shown through the rain. It's God, my Savior, my protector, my Father, providing me with grace that he will never flood the earth again, seen in the rainbow after the storm. God is powerful, God deserves everything I am and everything I have, but God is also always full of forgiveness. He is angry, righteous anger, but his forgiveness and unfailing love just seem to bubble over, covering me. I cannot breathe when he pours out his love. He longs for me to be closer, to feel him, to lay back against him and feel his heartbeat. I'm terrified. (To get that close to the God who fashioned everything, both seen and unseen?) But, yet, God also created my heart. My feeling, thinking, fragile, but beautiful heart. He made it, with care. Doesn't he deserve it? All of it?

When God speaks to me, my heart hurts, my heartbeat starts pounding in my ears, and my vision clouds. Just as long as it takes him to speak to me. Today, in church, God said, "There's something bigger going on here than you." It made sense immediately. The here was the church building, but it was also the circumstance I was, of course, mercilessly pondering. It was my life. It was my narrow-minded opinion of the world. God has something bigger in mind. We can rarely see the big picture. (In fact, some time ago, I asked God to show me what he was doing. Bad idea, since I was afraid of what I saw. I decided it would better to leave those things to God.) Because, see, God is working out the details and the big picture. At the same time. And he has it under control.

What is God teaching me through this? A lot, since it's so wonderful to get it out onto paper and stop mulling it over. He's been, since Easter, showing me that he is faithful. That he doesn't leave and he doesn't change. That seriously gets me every time. He's also showing me and teaching me that peace is possible. I do not have to turn situations and circumstances and confusing encounters and relationships and ideas and feelings over and over in my mind. I can find a peace to fill my heart. I can find a peace to fill my mind.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

John 14:27

We take communion to remember Jesus. Let's actually remember him today. Jesus died so we could live victorious. Yes, we will face trials here on earth. But Jesus rose and defeated death. And one day, we will defeat death as well, living in heaven. Live life victorious today, not in fear or emotional turmoil. Come to him with everything you face and he will guard you with peace.

Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So

... "SO!"

Ever sang that song as a child? It basically repeats that one line over and over and at the end of each line, we always yell "So!" as loud as we can.

Notice something with me here: it doesn't say "Let the perfect people say so" or "Let the complete, finished, or accomplished people say so". It says "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so".

Philippians 1:6 explains "that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." The point is that you're not completed yet. You are redeemed. And you're on the path to restoration. But you're not finished. God is in the process of changing you, of doing something amazing in your life.

I know I'm not the person I once was. A lot has happened since I was six, when I first made the decision to accept Christ. At lot has happened since I was twelve, when I again committed my life to Christ, making my faith mine and not my parents'. In reality, a lot has happened in the past six months, both around me and in me. I'm not who I was. And I've grown a lot in the faith as well. Like Relient K sings, "Who I am hates who I've been".

I hope and pray you are aware of God's work in your life. Often, we get glimpses of what God is doing, and it's pretty amazing. But while you're excited about God's work, don't get prideful. Don't claim what God is doing as something you have done. Just be completely and utterly thankful for it.

But, on the other hand, don't get so caught up in acting perfect. You are not perfect! Yes, heaven is a wonderful place, but you're not there yet! As Christians, we should be looking forward to and anticipating Heaven, especially because there we will be like Christ. But lose this ridiculous idea that you will somehow attain perfection and completion here on this earth in this life. We are still sinful.

For so long I had the faulty idea that real Christians didn't sin. Uh, yeah we do. And it's going to hurt, because sin separates us from God. But that's why Christ died - to restore the relationship between us and God that was broken because of sin. See, when Jesus died for us, he repaired our broken connection to God. He brought us to the presence of the living Creator God. Yes, Christians sin and mess up and cause problems and have hang-ups and hurt other people and ourselves. But with our hearts turned to God, we seek forgiveness, we apologize, and with God's grace we move on. And we grow because of it. And God isn't put off by our sins. When he looks at us, he sees Christ's blamelessness. He doesn't see our sin, because while we're slowly working towards our completion in Christ, Christ's purity and lack of sin has covered us. We're being washed in the blood of Jesus.

Did you get that? Jesus Christ has overcome your sin. He bore it on the cross and you no longer hold it. Yes, you face earthly consequences, like a rift in a relationship after an argument. But God doesn't hold it against you. He loves you. Loves.

There's going to be sin, trials, difficult circumstances, upsets, depressions, hurdles, and all around bad things in life, caused by you, by others, or just circumstantially. And since God never wastes anything, he uses these difficulties as a means for our growth, to lead us closer and closer to completion in Christ. James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I challenge you to learn to be patient with yourself. You're not going to have it all together. Stop thinking that a mistake is going to ruin you and God. God still loves you. Nothing you do or don't do could make him stop loving you. Realize that you are redeemed, not perfect. And remember, living the Christian life doesn't work if it's all about rules. It only works if, because we are so in love with our Creator, we simply desire to obey and please him.

Finally, God loves you. Get that! He does! And he is doing something incredible in you and through you. Let him mold you as the potter molds the clay. He is carefully, painstakingly, refining you and drawing you towards himself every day.

Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.

Isaiah 64:8

Selfless Living

When was the last time you gave of yourself to serve someone else selflessly? It could be an organized service project or a spur of the moment decision to love. It could be a global initiative for missions or a consistent effort to brighten your roommate's day. It could be listening to a friend's concerns and needs or feeding a hungry child. It could be anything where you give of yourself and become nothing so someone else can be blessed. Philippians 2:3 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." I think that's what I'm getting at.

It's like this: I've got homework, I'm tired, I feel a headache coming on, and I'm hungry, but a friend comes into my room needing help, and I must be selfless and listen to her and give her advice.

Or: Despite my work and school obligations, one of my classes is doing a service project and I'm required to be there. Do I show up late and with an attitude? Or do I strive to get there as soon as I can and demonstrate a servant's heart?

Or: I totally forget about something a friend is struggling with and I bring up related, awkward topics without considering the effect it might have. Why do I do that?

Because I'm sinful. Paul said, "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate." (Romans 7:15) But guess what? Christ, living in me, through the Spirit, can do fantastic things, such as selfless living. When I give everything I am and have and desire to God, he can use it for great things to bless others and further his kingdom. Your longings and fears and desires and family situation and past and relationships and circumstances and plans are not coincidence. Let God use them for His glory.

Listen, God will never take something away from you without giving you something better. God works everything out for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) and he will give you what is good (Matthew 7:9-11).

Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.

Romans 6:13-14, NLT

Satisfied in God

What does it mean to be fully satisfied in God?

I've shared some quotes and verses here that I've been reading and praying over, specifically with regard to this idea of being satisfied in God.

"The essence of faith is being satisfied with all that God is for us in Jesus" - John Piper

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" - John Piper

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

- Philippians 4:12

"To just read the Bible, attend church, and avoid 'big' sins - is this passionate, wholehearted love for God?" - Francois Fenelon

"It confuses us when loving God is hard. Shouldn't it be easy to love a God so wonderful? When we love God because we feel we should love Him, instead of genuinely loving out of our true selves, we have forgotten who God really is.... This dissatisfaction [of American advertising] transfers over to our thinking about God. We forget that we already have everything we need in Him. Because we don't often think about the reality of who God is, we quickly forget that He is worthy to be worshipped and loved. We are to fear Him."

- Francis Chan

"If anyone is thirsty, let Him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." John 7:37-38

So, I ask my question again: What does it mean to be fully satisfied in God? Should I ever desire something beyond God? Will God supply my every need? And what is characterized as a "need"? What if what I desire isn't in God's plan for me - am I just supposed to ignore my desire?

Riddle me this: What does it mean to be fully satisfied in God?

Passion and Thoughts

Do you have a passion? Maybe you have a passion for art, drama, a particular sport or sports team, an activity or person. You might even feel somewhat apathetic.
It's true that no matter what we're passionate about, we will spend a lot of time thinking about it. How many times have you stayed up really late to watch your favorite team play? How many hours did you spend making that piece of artwork or that short story or that skateboard trick or that song on your guitar just perfect?
But listen to this: John Piper writes: "Nobody had a more single-minded vision for his life than Paul did.... One thing matters [to Paul]: Know Christ, and gain Christ. Everything is rubbish in comparison to this." (pg. 48, Don't Waste Your Life). The Apostle Paul's passion in life was knowing God. Piper urges his readers to adopt this same, single, life-changing passion, to make it the forefront of our lives.

Elsewhere, John Piper writes that with the single passion and goal of knowing Christ, resisting temptation becomes easier. There is less time to think about the lusts of the flesh if one's mind is filled with thoughts of God, knowing him, and rejoicing in his work. That is why Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about the admirable, excellent, praiseworthy things in life - because they come from God. See, sin starts in the thought life. If we don't stop the immoral thoughts when they first enter our mind, if we dwell on them, they becomes sin. Don't let that happen! Keep your mind on God and his majesty!

The point I'm making is that having pure thoughts and living a God-centered, God-passionate life does not begin with me saying "Okay, this is what I need to do to please God. This is my battleplan, this is my to-do list." It begins with having a passion and living passionately for God - something I cannot do in my own power. I just can't. That's why the possessed boy's father exclaimed, "Lord, I do believe; help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24). He couldn't believe fully because he was human - and neither can we. We have doubt. But give it to God!

It's funny to me that the life of a believer is asking God for help to praise God. But this shows that we need God - that we desperately need him and desire to passionately fall in love with him.

Temple Tuesday

Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, Rejoice!" What does it mean to rejoice in the Lord?
John Piper tells us in his book, Don't Waste Your Life, that God created us for his glory. God created us to enjoy and to display him and his glory.
Enjoy, you ask? Yep, to enjoy him. I think, especially with regard to rejoicing in the Lord, that we forget the actual part about enjoying. Look, God made the world, God made the beautiful landscapes, the lovely things in life, the sun and moon and stars, the giggles of little children, the love between a husband and wife. Go see and feel something greater than you, something beautiful - and enjoy God. Rejoice in him, thank him, and praise him. Christianity is not about being sad and boring. Go rejoice!