Coming to Terms

On their new album, Switchfoot sings,

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
....
I want to thrive, not just survive...

Finding words for this post was difficult, I'm just going to be honest, and the post seems all over the place and scrambled. This week has been like an emotional roller coaster. I learned this week to let go of the things I carry around with me. It's like an unspoken rule that I always have to be upset or angry over something; I must always have a grudge on someone. I like to hold on to what happened and let it fester. Even if I've already forgiven and "moved on," bringing it up again to complain about it is somehow comforting.

The truth is that I should just get over some of those difficult things I carry around with me. Others of them, however, while I may have moved past them in one sense, are deeply embedded into who I think I am. Those usually deserve some deeper thought and prayer (maybe some evaluations, some changes, etc), but they are definitely not the end of the world. Nothing really is. God's got me no matter what, and I need to remember that.

On Monday, I had my first appointment with one of the counselors here on campus. I realized I could not deal with issues from last semester, seven years ago, twelve years ago, etc., on my own. Plenty of hurt surfaced, some related, some not, and I had to talk it out. I had to pray about it. I had to stop bugging my friends with my same, ridiculous issues again and again, and I needed someone to talk to who wasn't nineteen years old and living in a college dorm. I realized not only am I more than what has happened to me, but I'm also more than what I've done. God does forgive sin.

I feel a bit ashamed to admit that I broke down at church on Wednesday. I felt so alone. It was stupid, really. With my extremely sensitive nature, I took some sarcastic comments a little too personally and they became the straw on the camel's back of my emotions. With the help of my pastor's lovely wife and a good friend, I realized that we are all, essentially, the same. We all have crap in our lives. We all have needs and desires: psycho-social, physical, mental, emotional, relational, psychological, spiritual, and more. We all have this overwhelming emptiness, this innate yearning for something more. We all fear that we are just not good enough or we just don't quite fit. Therefore, it is wrong to complain about our issues, because, let's face it, others are hurting, too. This does not mean that our true friends do not want to hear from us. Or that its wrong to have a bad day or need some crying time or whatever. It just means that we should be living with our eyes ahead, lifted to God's grace, whether we are on the mountains or in the valleys of life. Don't get so bogged down in the things of life. Name them, learn from them, and move on.

Please be praying for my dad and stepmom. This past week, two relatives and friends of theirs passed away, both pretty suddenly. I have been praying for and seeking a way to talk with them about Jesus, and while this was definitely not expected, it does provide a prime chance to talk. Please pray for that.

But there is good news, my friends!

On Thursday, I was blessed with two generous donations for my trip to China this summer. God is so good. I cannot imagine how poor college students could have contribution so much already. Your prayers are coveted for the trip, especially for the teenagers I will be teaching, either middle or school or high school grade(s).

Also, I will be teaching (substituting) in an ESL class on Tuesday. I usually team-teach the Advanced class with a friend, but this week I am substituting alone, for the beginner's class, which is super exciting.

Finally, to end on a good note, I want to show you a blog post I wrote when I was turning 18. I asked if I was what I thought I would be, and if I wanted to be who I thought I would be. I answered both questions with a "no," because even though I had most of what I wanted (like a car, a job, extracurriculars, etc.) In a sense, I'm glad I got what I wanted. But more than that, I realized, at seventeen and 362 days, that I wish I had listened to God more during high school. I do not want that to be a regret of my college experience.

One way to avoid being regretful in college is to move on through my issues and difficulties. Getting stuck in the pitfalls is an absolutely horrible idea. This week I began taking the first steps to a continual process of moving on, and it was the people around me who helped to make it possible.

Please Stop Lying to Yourself

When we begin to come to terms with the things we've done and/or the things that have been done to us that grieve God’s heart (i.e., sins), we also begin to wrestle with the natural ramifications of those things. Sin is never simply a mistake. Each time a sin is committed, we lay the groundwork for future pain, either in our lives or the lives of others, and usually in both.

One such pain I would like to analyze is found in the lies we tell ourselves. For example, after engaging in sexual sin, we may later feel dirty, worthless, undesirable, unvaluable, or any of the above. Or, after someone we care about speaks condescendingly or negatively towards us, we may feel insignificant, inadequate, rejected, etc. I’m sure you could think of some prime examples in your own life.

We may also use “If… then…” or “Since… then…” statements on ourselves. Have you ever said this: “Since no one wants to hang out with me, then I must not matter to anyone.” Or, “If I cannot resist this temptation, then I will never be able to have a successful marriage / career / relationship / family.” Or, “If I fail one more time, then it must mean I am a failure.” Or, “Since my dad left, then that means I’m not wanted and no guy will ever want to date me.”

If I am completely honest, I have to tell you that I have said all of those to myself. It has taken lots of time to identify that, first, I’m saying those things to myself, and second, they are not truth. And even when they feel true, I must acknowledge that one fact does not prescribe the other. Yes, my dad left when I was eight, but that in no way means that I’m not attractive or not valuable or not significant or not desirable. Good friends have poured into me the realization that I am valuable. Professors and mentors who care about me and my growth are apt to acknowledge my significance. And even when some situations with guys seem to repeatedly speak negatively to me about attractiveness or desirability, I must hold on to glimpses of truth, such as a cute hair day, a compliment, a kind remark from a guy friend, or a word from God about beauty.

What we know deep inside and what we know from God’s Word are things that we should be letting define ourselves, not those painful experiences that seep into our lives and threaten to take truth away. The truth is that God will never leave us (Deuteronomy 31:6 and 8). The truth is that we are valuable (Matthew 6:26). The truth is that God is listening (Psalm 17:6). The truth is that God has chosen us and is with us and will help us (Isaiah 41:8-10). Do you believe the Bible is the Word of God? Then believe these things. And stop lying to yourself. Don’t believe what Satan is telling you. Find a verse to disprove anything you hear from him.

On another note, I heard a beautiful testimony tonight from a dear friend. I had heard it once before, when we went out for coffee, but tonight she shared with a group at a prayer meeting. She had told me multiple times before that she just wanted God to get the glory and to be praised through the story of her issues and struggles and redemption. So, tonight, as she talked, I smiled at her jokes and cried at her pain, but I was praying. Praying that God would receive the glory. To my surprise, after the meeting, some girls called for the musicians in the group to go get their guitars so we could all worship in song together. Her story inspired intimate worship and praise to and for God – what an amazing testament to glorifying God.

Someone once told me, “We should not think less of ourselves. Instead, we should think of ourselves less.” Awesome advice. So today, I'm telling you not to lie to yourself or belittle yourself. I’m telling you to spend more time with God. I’m telling you to believe what He says. I’m telling you to glorify Him no matter what. God will do great things. Sometimes you have to step back and watch.

Awesomeness from Tonight

I think this is the only time (that I can remember) that I have left a large-ish gathering of people feeling energized and refreshed. The trademark of an introvert is that they gain energy from being alone or being in pairs, so it’s weird to enjoy people so much.

But I did and do.

Some awesome things that happened tonight:

• I met my mom halfway between college and home so she could give me some schoolwork and shoes I forgot when I moved back into my dorm. We ate at Waffle House in the middle of a rather “sketchy” part of town, and I had an amazing conversation with my mom, more like friends than a parental role. Those sorts of things are happening more often, now that I’m almost twenty. (What? Almost twenty?)

• And on the way to meet my mom, I felt my car hydroplane a little bit on the very wet roads. I was afraid that the raining would get worse and that the highways would be even more wet, although I once I got to the interstate, it was mostly puddle-free and easy to drive. God is awesome. 

• As I was leaving Waffle House, I stopped to get gas (again, sketchy part of town) and I drove through more rain and some fog. And, of course, the college and its town I was going back to and the situations there that are difficult there came to mind. At the most perfect moment, Chris Tomlin’s “Our God” came on the radio. Wow. Our God is bigger and stronger than the storms of the weather and the storms of our lives. It was a great reminder.

• I drove back to my college town and met some friends at my pastor’s house. We played Rock Band, Catchphrase, and MadGabs and it was an awesome time of fellowship and friendship. We used to get together like that in the past, and I really appreciated the time to be together with my best friends and two beloved mentors. 

• When my fellow college kids and I drove back to campus to make curfew, I happened to be the first person in the succession of cars. It was weird, because I usually drive very slow, and I always feel scrutinized when people I know drive behind me. However, it was actually beneficial tonight. The headlights on my car are not the best, and I actually needed the headlights of the two cars behind me to help me see when I wasn't under streetlights or when I was driving through the fog. Even though the person behind me probably wanted to make fun of my bad driving habits, their presence actually helped me to drive safer, because I could see.

There was no deep spiritual or theological or psychological conversation tonight. It was fun and practical and worthwhile. It was being a daughter. It was being a friend. And I loved it.  I loved listening to the rain on my car windows and learning simple practical lessons about God’s provision and protection. I loved driving almost an hour and a half to meet my mom for dinner. I loved having nothing to do. I loved not being tied to a computer or a phone. I loved. And was loved.

Today, I’m thankful for the people God has placed in my life.

Doing the Impossible

Paul instructs us to “never tire of doing good” in second Thessalonians. Taken at its simplest, this is still incredible instruction. Doing what is good is more difficult than doing what is right, which is even more difficult than just not doing what is wrong. Think about that for a minute.

Now, are we trying to do what is good and right and trying to not do what is wrong and bad out of our own power? I would argue that we are.

I know for me, I have a consistent problem of trying to do everything on my own, in my own power, alone. I suffered at the beginning of last semester with the mindset that I could survive sophomore year without any help. It was actually kind of stupid. About the time midterms hit, God whispered, “Alex, stop hiding.” When I realized, with help, what I was hiding from, I was ashamed. I was hiding from my friends, my core, the people I had learned to love and rely on during freshman year.

So on the Tuesday before Midterm exams, I was confronted with the need to start over, to come to terms with the realization that I needed my friends. I began the process of reestablishing good friendships and redefining not-so-good ones. It’s not over yet, I know. After almost ignoring the connections I had with my core for a few months, getting things back with them is very difficult, especially now that I live two floors away from some of them.

The point I’m making is that I realized I could not do this semester, the year, even that week before midterms, without people. We need each other, if you haven’t realized. And we need God. Because we can’t do life, especially the Christian life without Him.

First Thessalonians 5:23-24 reads:

Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.

My devotional for today featured verse 23 and discussed the importance of being blameless before God. As I read it this morning, I immediately became defensive. I don’t know about you, but I am not blameless. I mess up every day in ways I cannot make excuses for. I’m so often ashamed of my inability to just behave, to just do things right. It’s a Romans 7 struggle I'm not happy about. I was suddenly resentful of the devotional reading on blamelessness because I knew I could not be blameless on my own.

But isn’t that why my Savior died for me? Our blameless king became a servant and took our blame so we could live. “…[H]e has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.” (Colossians 1:22)

So when I opened my Bible and found the next verse, I Thessalonians 5:24, I almost cried. It says that GOD will "make me blameless" and "holy," without fault, because "he who calls me is faithful." Since this past Easter, my Savior has been pouring his faithfulness onto me. It’s one of the ways he romances and show his love for me. And to know that I am not the one making myself pure and blameless is amazing. God is making me pure and blameless. Yes, I should never tire of doing good, but it is God who changes my heart so I can do that which is good.

We must stop trying to do life on our own; we must realize our need for Him and depend on Him for everything, even the ability to live and live in Christ.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” – Philippians 1:6